Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Back in the real world

Buddhism teaches not to cling to good feelings or resist bad ones. My vacation is over, I am back in my snowy city, but I am trying not to feel sad about it. Life is made up of happy, unhappy, and neutral moments, I am not going to feel disappointment because I am not elated like I was during my vacation.

I feel like I really deserved this vacation. My inner dialogue the last four years has been me promising myself that life will get better, without being sure I could come through with the promise. Life is better, and next time I am having the suicidal thoughts I can look back at how bad it was, that I thought it would stay bad but it didn't. I am glad to have a reward to give myself for not "giving up."

I also feel like I deserved my vacation fling. To kiss a brutally hot man with a lovely personality is what a person needs to bring thier standards back up. I had the tendancy of saying "yes" to dates with men I didn't feel a spark for, thinking that saying "no" would be superficial or unfair. The lovelyness of kissing someone you are really drawn to is unreplaceable. If his personality doesn't suck me in right away (it really is mostly personality- I mean it) then the chemistry isn't there, so I'll say "no thanks." Had I followed this rule, Marshmallow Cock would have never happened.

I also got a little taste...of a directionless life. Partying is addictive, especially when you mix in the ego-stroking and excitement of the hunt. I drank 3 nights straight, and if it wouldn't make me fat and addicted I would want to do it every night. I had a short party girl phase in college that I got over soon enough, but I could see myself sliding back into it. It's not the drinking as much as the sexual conquest that is so alluring to me. Fortunately I got some reality checks. I felt royally bummed out knowing I would never see Mr. Perfect again, and I maxxed out my credit card, leading to me at the airport today with no money to eat. Both were like mini versions of the consequences of what that lifestyle eventually leads to.

One thing I will integrate into my life is I am going out more. I will try to keep the drinking and boy-smooching to a limit (the latter a REAL challenge for me- especially since I have only recently been at a weight where I have gotten ANY attention!) But dressing up and going dancing are both very healthy, and I need to do them much more.

So following the Buddha's instructions I am not feeling sorry for myself because I am home now, or clinging to the vacation feeling...I am taking what I learned from the vacation instead. The water doesn't cling to the reflection of a passing cloud...I will not cling to the elation of a past weekend. Oh, and the Buddha also taught to abstain from mind altering substances like alcohol- I guess I have a lot to learn.

mood: ok. I do want to make my life more cheery I think.

1 comment:

Joseph said...

Dont confuse too much with anything. Not good.

Glad you had a pretty good vacation. Hope the year ahead will be as good as that or better than that.