Wednesday, August 24, 2005

The world is out to get me

I really thought the uplifted mood from my clean house would stay with me for a few days. Au contrair mon frair. Day one of my flight I end up with the sleaziest mysogynist of a captian, and a favorite F/O, but the F/O doesn't seem himself...he is developing a cold.

On the first night the F/O, in a sick haze, knocks his foot into his flight bag while getting up in the middle of the night, and he breaks his toe! (He says he thinks its broken because it's swollen and Black & Blue) So day 2 we convince the F/O to go home, and we get a new F/O. He's nice but I am ultra sensitve and assume he hates me.

For both day 1 and day 2 I have felt straight up depressed, like I was really short on sleep, an annoying feeling after feeling so elevated. I had my theories on where the depression was coming from, (something about feeling anxious about success so getting depressed as a defense mechanism) but now I have an alternate idea- I got sick.

The afternoon of day 2 we got off early in the day. I decided to sleep the rest of the day to try to catch up/start the rest of the trip off fresh, but the next day I was sluggish and easily irritated. Some guys were talking so loud during my announcements that I lost track of where I was and froze up, this happens and is usually no big deal- but yesterday I couldn't laugh it off. I felt very victimy and defeated, I even slipped in a passive-aggressive statement at the end of my announcement "thank you to those of you that paid attention" instead of "thank you for your attention" and all I had to do was say "would you two please lower your voice" but I felt too weak and victimy to confront them.

This morning I woke up with dry lips from breathing through my mouth, a stuffy nose and a sore throat, as the day progressed my symptoms got progressively worse. I would have gotten home sooner, but the skeeze bag captian created a drama regarding a mechanical (a great story- I should post more in detail but I DONT WANNA RIGHT NOW!) So I spent 2 extra hours on the ground, as my body got weaker and weaker.

To make it better today I suddenly couldn't post comments on my blog! (haven't yet checked others) and after laying down and trying to sleep but unable I went to the bathroom to get a decongestant, only to find they both have pseudoephedrine in them! (will keep me up!)

Tomorrow I have a tour. Did I mention I am seriously considering quitting? If it doesn't become more than self-flaggelation soon I will have to...I can be proud that I finished training, but accept that I am not having fun. I will talk to the therapist and my art mentor before making the decision. I am just too burnt out from it, the fun is gone and all thats left is the stress and self-doubt. The tour is at 11 am so I am sure its too late for me to call in sick. (I would hate to leave other guides hanging like that)

And now I cant sleep.

Not a good week so far, but I am hopeful that the sickness is the reason. I am in good medical hands right now, so I am not going to freak out just because I feel depression. (this week I was depressive, not just sad or crabby. I LIKE being sad or crabby, they are feelings, depression is like me and my announcements, you feel weak and hopeless.)

mood: like someone put a hairdryer on high heat in my mouth and left it there


Satan said...

You shouldn't have been kissing your F/O. Even if it was to kiss his foot better.

That Girl said...

Hang in there...and if you enjoy the tours, keep doing it, if not, then do not stress yourself out to much. I have found it is best to do the things you enjoy!!!

Satan said...

Maybe this will help,

Albert Ellis is a legend

Diana Crabtree said...

Yay on 2 accounts!

One, I can comment on my OWN BLOG again (what was up with that?)

Second, you know me so well :) Cognitive behavioral therapy is the thing that my therapist is focusing on with me. I have picked up a pretty bleak perspective on the world that is holding me back quite a bit- really needs to change. Thanks for pointing me to it :)