Saturday, August 13, 2005

Three's company

I will make this quick, because I want to go to bed.

Tonight I went out with my neighbor's girlfriend and my neighbor showed up later on.

We had fun, she drank a little too much and was a little embarrasing, but it was a good time. My jealousy was in good shape, it wasn't him that I wanted but the connection that they had.

She is going to drive me to a baby shower tomorrow (!) and she said (while drunk) that if I can help her get her new laptop to do what her old one does I can have the old one (it has a damaged hard drive, but works) I realize now that was a drunk offer, but my fingers are crossed.

He is a sweet guy. He gave me a hug (tee hee.) My imagination was a little inappropriate in their house, but I felt that I was visiting friendS

Scratch all of that. I am lying to myself and you. My ego was being awful. I was finding everything wrong I could about her and telling myself I would be better. It is textbook intimacy-avoidance to put your emotional energy into people who are unavailable to you in one way or another and I bet you a hundred dollars I would find a reason not to want him if he was available to me.

By the way, it turns out he is 46! It shocks me. I thought the guy was in his late thirties. His girlfriend is so they seem like a good age for eachother.

I honestly feel a bit down right now. I am staring unhealthy patterns of mine in the face and it makes me sick to my stomach. I always play this unattainable character, not because I am somehow "better" than anyone else, but thats the character I play. It's not that he is unavailable that upsets me, it's that if he was available I would find too much wrong with him and dump him. His apartment would be too bohemian. If his apartment looked better homes and gardens I would say his house wasn't original enough. This is so old! I have been doing this since boys began! I have it totally in for myself!

And to make the yucky gut feeling worse, today Dr. T pushed me to examine the way I think about why my thinking is structured to see people in economic/social classes. You don't have to look too deep to see some ugly predjudices I feel towards the working class. (And paradoxically I am predjudiced against the middle and upper classes too!) I felt (and feel) very defensive about looking into this topic, which means, of course, it's important. Before my next session I should write about that, I think I will just freewrite it since I am so reluctant to even examine it.

But now- off to bed. It really was a nice night. Just like strenuous excercise hurts a bit, strenuous inner change hurts, and starting up a hill is the worst part, and I think these issues are doozies of hills.

mood: down, even though I had fun earlier. I think medication 4 hours late could be involved (or maybe having 4 drinks)

No comments: