Wednesday, August 17, 2005

192 Pounds

I know its the medicine, my food intake and activity have not been bad, if anything they have been good. I havn't been this heavy for a year.

I feel really defeated right now. This is a faustian bargain if I have ever heard of one. My anxiety has calmed enough for me to feel comfortable with the fact that I value beauty- in exchange for this sense of peace- FAT!

I could stand myself at 185. I wanted to lose more but walking past a mirror didn't feel like punishment. I feel that "learned helplessness" response right now. I have eaten relatively well this trip. I did have imperfect foods, but my calories were less than usual. I am seeing now that I am going to change to a full-on weight watchers -always-thinking-about-what-food-I-have-eaten type of lifestyle. I would much rather stay the same weight, put the weight loss off until later and deal with my brain first, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

There is of course only one answer to this dilemma. I need to go on a bikeride. My chain has a kink in it and is being annoying but I guess now is as good of a time to deal with it as ever. I am so sad. I am going to check my calendar to see if it's just my cycle (oh, what a saving grace that would be) but I doubt it.


mood: concerned, defeated

I just checked- its not TOTM.


Jay said...

I commend you for your self-awareness. Your weight is just a number, and you are an interesting, worthwhile person no matter what that number might be.

Diana Crabtree said...

Thanks Jay :)

I can desire and work towards losing the weight, but I shouldnt forget that important point.

That Girl said...

Hang in there Diana. You appear to be a very beatiful person no matter your size.

Satan said...

That's like, what? 85 kilos. That's not a big problem. I can see the problem going to be more your attitude towards it. Jay and That Girl are right on the mark!

Diana Crabtree said...

Thank you TG.

And thank you Satan, you mean well, but it is a big problem. I weighed 187 last week. Before that I weighed 185. 192 isnt the problem, the problem is 187-192 in a short period of time when I have been eating better and exercising more.

And weight is a number, but it matters to me. Every woman needs to feel attractive. At 210 I am neither attractive nor energetic nor happy. I have to figure something out.

Satan said...

Point taken, weight fluctuation is does take it's toll on the body.

I'm sure if you figure it out you'll be a messiah to women everywhere. I guess what I mean is that when something like this is not fully within your control devoting a huge amount of nervous energy to it may be detrimental to taking positive steps towards gaining control in your life. I know it's about how you feel within your body as well. I just hope you take a balanced approach to it.

Diana Crabtree said...

The good news is, the medications I am taking might be the same medications you would give an anorexic, so I can be hopeful that I wont go in an unsafe direction with it.

On the other hand I can't be 210 again. I cant be 200 again. I just cant. I have to figure SOMETHING out, it can't not be in my control, it has to be.

Diana Crabtree said...

Despite how it sounds- the previous comment is not a cry for help- just a cry! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Satan said...

Cute! We'll cry with you then. : )

Radin said...

Don't worry about your weight. You should eat everything. A balance diet is to have all that is good for you. All you have to do is watch the amount.