I had an hour long conversation with my dad tonight.
We bonded, and not just on hating George Bush. We talked about lots of things, art, a mutual aquaintence, even mental health. We did not argue a bit, we debated a few things, but neither of us got defensive at all, we really heard each other and my dad even admited he changed his mind (not a strong point of his, he will usually defend a statement to rediculous extremes, just to be right)
I have been very irritable and victimy these last 6 days, but after having talked to him, that hole, that feeling of being abandoned, was filled.
I was going to write "I even felt that I was too hard on him when I was an adolecent" but my body tensed up as I imagined writing those words. He was passed out drunk during those days, I WAS alone and I WAS abandoned, so calling him on that was very justified at the time. Punching him? Maybe not, but at that point I was so desperate, I just wanted him to notice me, I wanted the world to notice me. If he hit me back I could get put in foster care or emancipated. I can't feel like I did anything "wrong" at the time- I was a traumitized kid who had spent years trying EVERYTHING to get her father back. I had not had a parent for 4 years. By this point, when it came to my dad I was (melodramatically put) feral.
I can comfortably say that the hate is fading away, after tonight I could almost say I don't hate him at all, but I still have that part of me that doesn't trust that this will last, that he is going to quit taking medication and/or start drinking again like he has so many times before. The love of course was always there, but it is nice for it to be the primary feeling when I talk to him.
Maybe this annoying anger that wont go away is about him. Maybe it's about the fact that I was always good, boy was I good, and yet I was abandoned by so many people (my mom and grandmother by dying, my stepmother by leaving, my dad by drinking himself to incapacitation, and my family for not removing me.) If my dad keeps taking care of his health, and I keep taking care of my health, maybe that sense of abandonment will
fade. Yes, I was abandoned by him, but at least he came back.
mood: Elevated back up to even :)