Thursday, August 25, 2005

Warm & Fuzzy

I had an hour long conversation with my dad tonight.

We bonded, and not just on hating George Bush. We talked about lots of things, art, a mutual aquaintence, even mental health. We did not argue a bit, we debated a few things, but neither of us got defensive at all, we really heard each other and my dad even admited he changed his mind (not a strong point of his, he will usually defend a statement to rediculous extremes, just to be right)

I have been very irritable and victimy these last 6 days, but after having talked to him, that hole, that feeling of being abandoned, was filled.

I was going to write "I even felt that I was too hard on him when I was an adolecent" but my body tensed up as I imagined writing those words. He was passed out drunk during those days, I WAS alone and I WAS abandoned, so calling him on that was very justified at the time. Punching him? Maybe not, but at that point I was so desperate, I just wanted him to notice me, I wanted the world to notice me. If he hit me back I could get put in foster care or emancipated. I can't feel like I did anything "wrong" at the time- I was a traumitized kid who had spent years trying EVERYTHING to get her father back. I had not had a parent for 4 years. By this point, when it came to my dad I was (melodramatically put) feral.

I can comfortably say that the hate is fading away, after tonight I could almost say I don't hate him at all, but I still have that part of me that doesn't trust that this will last, that he is going to quit taking medication and/or start drinking again like he has so many times before. The love of course was always there, but it is nice for it to be the primary feeling when I talk to him.

Maybe this annoying anger that wont go away is about him. Maybe it's about the fact that I was always good, boy was I good, and yet I was abandoned by so many people (my mom and grandmother by dying, my stepmother by leaving, my dad by drinking himself to incapacitation, and my family for not removing me.) If my dad keeps taking care of his health, and I keep taking care of my health, maybe that sense of abandonment will
fade. Yes, I was abandoned by him, but at least he came back.

mood: Elevated back up to even :)


Satan said...

That's a hard post. I'm really glad you got to experience that with your dad, one moment of that feeling... of getting your dad back will create for you a wealth of other positive experiences. I don't know what they'll be but I know they'll be positive. As one abandoned (for other reasons, which I've barely touched on) kiddy to another, I luv ya mate. Good one!

Joseph said...

I've felt in such a way about my parents- growing hating them and then one day when you've grown up, you feel, may be you were little hard on them. I'm glad you did it.
I'm a regular reader of your blog and it amazing me, how much you are open abt your feelings (may be as an American [I guess you are one] you are)
On a similar note: Satan's comments doesn't reflect the 'GENERAL', perspective that goes around. May be this Satan is good after all :-)

Diana Crabtree said...

Thank you Joseph, for reading and commenting :)

I think Americans are often quite open (sometimes too much) and it makes it easier for me to be open by using a "pen name."

Please always feel free to comment (or not to if you prefer.)

You are right, Satan, in this case, is very, very good :)

That Girl said...

I have some of those same feelings about my dad!! It is good that you are addressing them.

keewee said...

I can relate, all I ever wanted was for my Dad to say " I love you" he never did. He passed away 12 years ago.

Diana Crabtree said...

Sparkle, when you say you have some of the same feelings, I hope that you mean reconciliation feelings, not just the hate part.

If it's the latter I suggest not pushing yourself to feel any differently. I say accept what you feel. If you allow yourself to feel hate you may allow yourself to feel love.

For me when I told myself I shouldn't hate him, that was all I could feel- it was as if the hate clawed it's way to the surface, demanding to be recognized. When I just admitted to myself that thats how I felt, I was suddenly bigger than it and I have reached a point now (redundant am I?) where I hate him a little bit, and love him alot. Maybe it's different in your situation, but that's my experience so far. Again, I hope you are in the reconciliation stage :)

And keewee, I am SO sorry to hear your dad did such a rotten job of communicating love to you. It matters so much just to hear it, especially when you are young. Thanks for your comment, it will remind me to tell people that I love them, and to show it in my actions. I wish that you had that. You certianly deserve it!

Satan said...

Get real, I way evil. You just can't see the big picture like me. You wait and see, your happiness will bring misery to millions. *wink*

Diana Crabtree said...

Oh really? Tell sparkle I am apparently also trying to be an SATAN