I am in my third week of taking a new medication for my anxiety. I am very excited to be seeing wonderful results. My anxiety leads to me obsessing like crazy about everything, and I end up self medicating with food and, oddly, coffee.
I have pleasantly found that I do not need coffee as much, but unpleasantly have learned that this drug causes weight gain! Weight GAIN? What a cruel joke! I get to stop obsessing that I am fat and in exchange I actually become fat? It sucks.
Here's the problem I have been having lately with my weight. It hasn't budged because I have no motivation to lose any more. At the weight I am at I have enough energy to live pretty comfortably and I get some attention from men, but not so much that I get uncomfortable. I think my body is attractive, but could be more attractive if I lost 20-40 more pounds. And according to doctor's charts I should weigh about 30 pounds less. My metabolism will slow as I age, so I should lose more weight, I just don't care enough to want to. I can eat a lot of junk and maintain this weight, and as it is I want the junk food more than I want the weight loss.
But, do I want the junk food more than I want to maintain this weight? Hell no. I hated being fat. I am still "fat" but I am more likely to be called "thick" at this weight than "fat." Some men find me attractive at this weight, at my highest weight nearly none did. I was so tired all the time and I hated people looking at me. I had a pretty face but felt very unattractive. Maybe the slowed metabolism will motivate me now. I already put a piece of toast away after reading that the weight gain happens without increased eating.
I am not as mad as I might be. The Risperdal web-page says it only leads to about 5 pounds, but I am sure they are going to spin it to look better than it is. I could also get a movement disorder (!) but the doc says it's very rare and frankly right now I am willing to take the risk. I can see by it lifting, just how handicapping the anxiety is for me. It ruined my dad's life, and I have come close to no longer being able to cope with it and the life that comes with it. I will take a risk.
Doing a lot of extra work to maintain a weight of 185 is not what I was hoping for, but there are much worse things that could happen to me.
mood: tired (no caffeine) a little antsy