Wednesday, July 06, 2005

A fantasy I had

What a dream come true...August 1st, two weeks to live by myself? I swear I must be dreaming!

The dream gets better. A flight attendant backed into the room with the ironing board while I was in there she said sorry and we both just smiled. When I walked to the elevator she was there. I asked her where she was flying and she told me she had a turn. We chatted about how it's a hassle to get to and from work, and how its nicer to overnight in another city. I mentioned that its easier for me becuase I take the bus/train so I don't have to park, but she lived in the suburbs so that wouldn't be possible. She asked about my neighborhood and said she wanted to move their sometime soon. It took me a second than "click!" I mentioned the room, and she seemed excited...heres where it gets scary, she is living with her brother right now, why? She just lived for a year in India! She is an anthropology and classic literature major. It felt like the will of the universe.

Even better, it was morning, I was hopped up on cappucino, and so when she said "India" I got all girly and cheezy and bubbly which is annoying to many. But she seemed amused. Someone who I can relax and be giddy when I feel giddy with!?! (75% of the time Emma would seem suspicious when I would behave this way, like my lapses into sorority sister girlyness were somehow false, like the cynical and bitter aspects of my personality are all that are allowed) She sounded excited to have a friend to sample yummy foods from different ethnicities (I live blocks from a mile of resturaunts) I am so excited I feel like squeaking like a co-ed!

My fantasy appeared today as I waited for the first of three mechanical issues today to be resolved. I was thinking of how I am ready and excited to get rid of a lot of stuff...I am ready to let go. I found myself sighing, "uh! I hope this new roommate wont think I am a freak becuase I have so much stuff. I wish I didn't have to tell her. And then I realized...who says she has to know?

When I met Emma I was too depressed to do much more than get up and go to work. But today, I am strong enough that I can get rid of 15 of my 20 perfumes; 40 of my 75 movies; 100 of my 300 CD's, 50 of my 100 garments. She never needs to know how bad it was. I could say "I just gave a whole bunch of stuff to goodwill- uh! it felt so good" she never needs to know just how much I used to cling to, I could say "it was a LOT" but what she would envision wouldn't be as bad as the real thing.

She will definately know I am a nut job, but I can let her know I am a nut job in a good way. With the exception of my messiness, I can mock most of my negative qualities. I think its funny how much I am on the computer (but I need a laptop, she doesn't need to see QUITE how much) I think it's funny how much caffiene I NEED. I think its funny that on many days off I am only dressed for an hour a day, the rest of the time I am in my pyjamas with a big messy afro. I will still be messy I am sure, but she doesn't need to see the pathalogical messy, she can just see the funny messy. And I have the first 2 weeks in Aug. to do go through and donate the stuff :) I was even thinking I will try to get things as spic and span for the temporary roommate, and when I feel mortified about something I missed, I will fix it and get to start fresh with the new one :)

I could be fantasizing about making out with Justin Kirk on the beach in the bahamas, instead I am fantasizing about being in my house, cleaning it. Who said I need mental help?

mood: tired! (5am wake up...EASTERN time! (4AM my time!)


Satan said...

I may totally suck but you, my dear, are a total legend.

I'm smiling for you.

Diana Crabtree said...

If I was actually mad at you, which I wasnt, I would forgive you 'cuz you called me nice stuff

thanks :)

ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

HAHA! Thanks for the comment on my blog! Actually, I really do like yours. :-) I'mbipolar and enoy seeing how peole with ay ort of menta/emotional imbalance express ourselves. I'm interested to put a link to your blog on mine if you don't mind?

(As for Superman's excuse? Heheh...he's just wild and hilarious). :-)

best to you,

Diana Crabtree said...


I would love if you linked to mine:) I will link to yours too (but not to the ultimate blog LOL!