Sunday, July 31, 2005

I'm actually going to miss her

Emma has been a true asshole to me. Unbelievably. I have spent the last few days just shaking my head at how snotty and judgmental she has been, not to mention unpleasant, and that I put up with it, I should have called her on so much, instead I dealt with it, "for peace".

This last week, now that she is leaving, we have both been very nice. Not kiss-ass fake nice but real nice. She even smiled at me this morning (it threw me off!) We just weren't meant to be. I am glad she is moving, but today, seeing that most of her stuff is gone, I have seen that there are things I will miss.

Could I do things differently so she wouldn't move? Probably not, I didn't even suggest it. She had a negative image of me that did not match reality, and over time I just conceded that no matter what I do she wont perceive me any differently, so I just quit caring. When I knew something bothered her that didn't bother me, I couldn't muster the energy to change it. I had things that were so much more important to me to change, so if there was no reward (i.e. a roommate who emotes) then emotionally I could feel no point of going through the difficult process of changing a habit that didn't bother me (BTW the habit is not drying off enough in the shower-there were other minor things too, but nothing that she wasn't almost as bad about)

Now that she is leaving I can actually like her. 3 days ago I was sure we would never speak again, now I am open to it (assuming that she can muster up more than one word answers to my "obvious trying to start a conversation" questions)

I think the core of all of it is this- I have loud energy, she has quiet energy. My big energy overwhelmed her, she was a bitch in order to punish me for it, I was a bitch in order to punish her for punishing me. Lather, rinse, repeat.

And now I get to live with my clone, which means I will live with another loud energy person. This will be different, different challenges & different rewards. Tera and I went to Ikea yesterday after she seemed very not at home at the thrift store. She was gushing over everything, at Ikea, very enthused about home improvement ideas. She wore Chanel sunglasses. Emma was wrong to judge me for wanting nice things? Emma was wrong to poo-poo home improvement plans that would require nothing of her? Now I have my chance to practice what I preach.

mood: Happy (for myself, and Emma)

78 comments:

Satan said...

Love the new look; and the post - sounds positive.

PS.. Thank for leaving me a question, it's about time : )

Radin said...

Your blog looks very nice now. Oh room mate who are so picky drive one mad. Sharing calls for tolerance.

Diana Crabtree said...

Thanks for the compliments on my design! "D-Eskimo" created my 2 favorite blog designs, and I promised myself that I would get her to design mine when I had a little more money. One day I was looking at her site and there was a sale advertised! It was like devine intervention! I plan to eventually have her design 2 more for me and then alternate to match my mood, tee hee.

FluffyBunnyCakes said...

I have the same thing at the mansion; dozens of differently themed rooms and dozens of differently themed bunnies to match my dozens of differently themed moods.

The playboy mansion was definately worth the investment.

Jay said...

Good luck with changing things up; I think change is a positive thing at any rate, and I certainly hope you will be happier for it.

Satan said...

Hey Chippolata

As if you can't tell, I've been a little busy. Hope things are well.

Diana Crabtree said...

Holy Satanic telepathy batman...

I turned my computer on about exactly 10 minutes ago.

I'm glad your busy, I like that whole you-keeping-your-job thing. :)

Whats a chippolata?

Satan said...

Ha! It's a little italian 'very tasty' sausage.

Yeah, I'm trying to raise my level of enthusiasm towards work. I've decided to cut it back to 4 days a week and work longer hours on the days I do work. Gives me time to write and it's been kind of nice being here by myself at night and getting stuck into it (as long as there's no repeat of that freaky shit from the other night).

Satan said...

Hope I haven't missed you again. : )

Satan said...

I've missed you again : (

Diana Crabtree said...

You didn't miss me, but now I am wondering if I missed you. Or if a ghost got you.

Diana Crabtree said...

I am going to watch the rest of the new John Waters movie, I will keep an eye on the computer in case you need a break from ghostbusting.

FluffyBunnyCakes said...

Is that eye open?

FluffyBunnyCakes said...

Oops, that wasn't your eye!

*Lights up a cigar: wink*

Diana Crabtree said...

Oh Hugh! you are such trouble!

Satan said...

It's alright I stepped on his neck.

How's the movie going?? A dirty shame??

Diana Crabtree said...

Thanks, hes a bad wabbit.

I love the movie, I love alot of his movies :)

Satan said...

I've not seen it... Maybe I should. I hear he's currently in production on Hairspray. Musical? Oh dear...

Diana Crabtree said...

There already is a Hairspray musical here. It was a big deal on Broadway.

As for the movie, It's not as good as pecker, which is one of my all time favorite movies, but it's better than other ones of his that I have seen, It revolves around a prophecy involving sex addicts and yet the feeling I get watching it is "aww, sweet"

Satan said...

Uh-huh, I think that's why he's doing it as a film... according to imdb he wrote it in 1988 but has only just gotten approval to make it.

I've not seen a lot of his films, but I think you've convinced me to see pecker - sweet? you're odd : )

Diana Crabtree said...

If you haven't seen pecker I dont even know you. You MUST see pecker, its so wonderful. This one, (a dirty shame) is the one about the sex addict prophecy. Pecker is about a Photographer.

Diana Crabtree said...

So he's re-doing it? Hairspray?

Satan said...

You don't know me? : (

I'll see it, I'll see it.

(Bloody people always wanting things, can't even leave me alone over lunch)

Satan said...

Sure, due for release in 2007.

Diana Crabtree said...

I'm just shocked that you hadn't seen it. i will be happy if you do, and so will you, its so good.

Satan said...

I live at the ass-end of the world; I'm not surprised I haven't seen it. But I will track it down.

Diana Crabtree said...

Should I go?, I really would die if you got in trouble for this

Satan said...

You wouldn't die, Satan protects his own...

And no, it's my lunch break.

Diana Crabtree said...

YAY! Well is the busy-ness at this job or with a project?

Satan said...

Someone just printed a 563 page document to the printer and they wonder why it fell over crying. Excuse: Oh, I thought it was a bit long so I cancelled it but it wouldn't let me.

Satan said...

Both actually, I'm starting think I may have a feature script that might be worth writing down.

Diana Crabtree said...

Thats exciting! If its a Bollywood story about people who sell their limbs for love I better get a cut

Satan said...

LMAO... no, not a Bollywood. But you will get a cut from our film. Probably, just above the knee. I hear I can get $50 a pound.

Diana Crabtree said...

I knew I was setting myself up by using the word "cut" *groan*

Satan said...

Ha ha!! Don't worry I'll use the funds to buy you a new Sari.

Diana Crabtree said...

I am so excited to know that you are feeling creative...that inspires me too!

Diana Crabtree said...

Or a new pair of shoes?

Satan said...

Well, it's just boiling around in the head at the moment... but I think it could be really good.

I have another project for a friend and a short film to complete before I can take it too seriously. But I think I want to take it seriously... which is good.

Satan said...

You'll be missing a leg. What do you want shoes for?

Diana Crabtree said...

I'm really happy for you! I have faith in you Satan ;)

Diana Crabtree said...

What just becuase I have one leg I don't deserve shoes? You are so predjudice! Why don't you just take my other leg and buy a photocopier that can print a document without dying

Satan said...

Arrrgggggghhh people!!!!! OK, I'm over it now.

Thanks for the faith, I can use every little bit I can get. I think the reason I was getting a little despondent with the job was because I'm naturally creative and my job isn't (the opposite in-fact). Going part time (but getting paid full time YAY!) may just be the impedious I need to re-spark my creativity. It seems to be working wo far.

No, you don't deserve shoes. You deserve some sort of high-tech hover board.

Satan said...

(WOW! Some of my work mates haven't been talking to me lately, I don't know why, but one just came in and made a joke). I feel so privilidged ; )

Diana Crabtree said...

High tech hover board, thats sweeter than calling me a sausage :)

Thats the problem with day jobs, so much of energy goes into non-creative things. But then again, worrying that a check may bounce is hardly inspiring

Satan said...

Ever heard of a starving artist, It's not as bad as you think, just a little hungary. I don't use cheques anyway...

Diana Crabtree said...

Your getting the silent treatment? Whad you do?

Satan said...

Yeah, I'm not really sure... They're people who I thought I was fairly close with as well. Which is a bit sad. But, yeah, every time I try and interact, as I always did, they just go silent and look at me as if I'm some kind of Turd. I really don't know... but it must have been very horrible of me!

Diana Crabtree said...

Ouch! That stuff would break my heart! How long has this been going on?

Satan said...

I told one of the girls I thought she was a good character writer... maybe there's a secret language in which that translates to Hate me!

Satan said...

About two weeks now...

Diana Crabtree said...

Can I try to dissect this all or would you prefer that I don't?

Satan said...

You can certainly try but I really don't know what I can tell you beyond this. It doesn't break my heart, only give me pause for reflection.

Diana Crabtree said...

I'm glad it doesn't break your heart, it would just destroy me.

One thing I read is that the sudden silent treatment is a sign you may get laid off or fired. You made a joke about it, is it in your gut a possibility? But why the turd look though? A nervous look away look is more like it

Satan said...

Nah, I'm here as long as I want. Connections, you know : ) No not really, they're just not in a position to know that sort of info. I think the joke was more of a way of chiding myself about not doing the amount of work I should. Much the same way you get angry with yourself for not getting out of bed.

As I said, I'm really not sure... the sudden lack of friendliness is a bit of a mystery and the curt civility does hurt a little after us all being so at ease with each other. But Hey, I'm going part time and I've have projects that are far more fulfilling than people that act like that. But one is a good writer (who's only just realising it) and we worked really well together creatively, that's really really disappointing.

Diana Crabtree said...

I figured it was a joke, I was just narrowing down the options. What about this writer, did you get into the touchy-feely flirtation you were telling me about before? Maybe was something misunderstood?

I am glad you have such a good head on your shoulders. High school politics are so unimportant.

FYI...I am not angry at myself for not getting out of bed. Not getting out of bed is one of my hobbies. ;)

Diana Crabtree said...

Please don't feel like I was challenging or accusing you, just asking questions that might narrow it down.

Ever thought of just saying to someone "what exactly did I do? tell me so I can fix it"

Satan said...

Maybe, as with most arts projects there was alcohol involved and mutual support in trying to catch trains half-cut, but I don't think there was a Mis-unda-standing. We're both taken.

Satan said...

I've thought about it... but is it that important...

Diana Crabtree said...

Which could be the misunderstanding. Your both taken yet you "hit on her" when actually you were just trying to flatter her or just flirting and messing around

Satan said...

Mind you, I have been fairly humourless lately. Sick and not very satisfied with my work. They may just think I'm an asshole for that reason. I have tried to brdige the gap though.

Satan said...

Nah, just mutual silly flirting. Nothing that wasn't reciprocated.

Diana Crabtree said...

I do think its that important, if you did do something percieved as wrong you should have control of that perception. And the being an asshole could get such a reaction.

(sick and humorless :( waah! your feeling better now right? :) )

Diana Crabtree said...

I said "misunderstanding" not "you hit on her for real"

Satan said...

I've had this crazy flu off & on for like three weeks now. Had another day off this week becuae of it. I think I'm slowly getting on top of it though... unless it's a tumour ; )

Diana Crabtree said...

It's not a tou-mah!

Diana Crabtree said...

I want to stop talking about the assholyness now. I wasn't saying "I think its this" I was asking questions to narrow stuff down

Satan said...

He he - guess what... I've got some work to do! *matra: Must do work, Must do work, Must do work*

If you leave the .au off my other email you'll be able to send to it. I'm a silly billy.

Satan said...

I know : ) No stress, I enjoyed talking to you about it chippolata.

Diana Crabtree said...

*Hands satan a big bowl of hot chicken soup*

Satan said...

*looks at live chickens swimming in hot water* Awww, my favourite : )

Diana Crabtree said...

Are you leaving for the weekend already? No Satan fix for another 3 days? I think I may die! it might be a tou-mah!

Diana Crabtree said...

ROTFLMAO!

I made it just like you like it

Satan said...

No, no, Just doing some work in another part of the building. I'll be checking my (and probably your) blog over the weekend.

It's not a tumour!

Satan said...

No, no, Just doing some work in another part of the building. I'll be checking my (and probably your) blog over the weekend.

It's not a tumour!

Diana Crabtree said...

It is a toumor, I have double vision!

Diana Crabtree said...

Goodnight. Get plenty of rest :)

Satan said...

LMAO - very cute!

I have to fly. I hope you have a good sleep and enjoy your weekend too. I'm going to a party tommorrow night full of hard drinking polish people - Help!!! Not that I mind a drink but lately I haven't been able to without feeling a little sick.

Satan said...

Night