In contemplating what I want in a living situation, I have zeroed in on the two biggest roadblocks I face on my journey to inner peace. As I examined the roadblocks more closely I realized they are the same thing. I need to lose weight.
I carry around 25-45 unneeded pounds on my body. Each extra pound is a pound that makes my life more difficult. Imagine how it would feel to carry around two 20 pound dumbells everywhere you went. Every step is more of a struggle. My muscles and joints ache. I don't WANT to move. So I have self-imposed limits on where or how far I can go. I lose freedom. I give myself a disability.
it's not just the physical distances I am unwilling to travel, it's the personal ones too. I carry the weight of insecurity. I I am less likely to be open and myself. I am unwilling to express interest in someone I would like. Even if I have that person in bed, and they are touching me, and commenting on how beautiful my body is, I don't believe them. I know they would prefer someone who's body is different. And I don't relax.
My body isn't the only place that I carry unneeded weight. My home is weighed down with material items. I am unwilling to give up something that I own, but no longer need, out of fear that I may never find it again. This applies to the objects themselves, or the emotions they evoke. I used to love the film "Awakenings" because it was the only way I could get myself to cry. I found that with many of the films I own(ed.) I bought them because I was afraid that if I didn't own them I could never see them again, or more importantly, never feel the emotion they evoked again.
Carrying this material weight is as disabling as carrying around physical weight. The time and energy it takes to maintain, organize, and have access to all of these things is as taxing as carrying around those dumbells. When I need something important, like the phone number of an old friend who's birthday I still remember...I can't find it, because I have too many recipies and bank statements to sort through to find the scrap of paper...and the birthday passes.
I have lost some weight this week. It wasn't enough to tell the difference yet, but I have learned that a little bit of effort at a time adds up to something big in the long run. I was able to part with about 60 movies. I was freed from the space they take up and got $25 worth of credit at a nearby video store. I was able to part with 8 bottles of perfume and 5 bottles of scented lotion. I got rid of a candleholder set. I also have gathered about 20 magazines that have followed me home from the airport, which I will bring back to the crew lounge. This feels negligible to write these out. But that feeling is why I am doing it. I wont get rid of everything overnight, so I need to mentally reward myself for the bit at a time that I let go of. It will eventually add up to something.
mood: impatient (I want to lose all the weight-now!) Anna Nicole?