Friday, July 08, 2005

Weight Loss

In contemplating what I want in a living situation, I have zeroed in on the two biggest roadblocks I face on my journey to inner peace. As I examined the roadblocks more closely I realized they are the same thing. I need to lose weight.

I carry around 25-45 unneeded pounds on my body. Each extra pound is a pound that makes my life more difficult. Imagine how it would feel to carry around two 20 pound dumbells everywhere you went. Every step is more of a struggle. My muscles and joints ache. I don't WANT to move. So I have self-imposed limits on where or how far I can go. I lose freedom. I give myself a disability.

it's not just the physical distances I am unwilling to travel, it's the personal ones too. I carry the weight of insecurity. I I am less likely to be open and myself. I am unwilling to express interest in someone I would like. Even if I have that person in bed, and they are touching me, and commenting on how beautiful my body is, I don't believe them. I know they would prefer someone who's body is different. And I don't relax.

My body isn't the only place that I carry unneeded weight. My home is weighed down with material items. I am unwilling to give up something that I own, but no longer need, out of fear that I may never find it again. This applies to the objects themselves, or the emotions they evoke. I used to love the film "Awakenings" because it was the only way I could get myself to cry. I found that with many of the films I own(ed.) I bought them because I was afraid that if I didn't own them I could never see them again, or more importantly, never feel the emotion they evoked again.

Carrying this material weight is as disabling as carrying around physical weight. The time and energy it takes to maintain, organize, and have access to all of these things is as taxing as carrying around those dumbells. When I need something important, like the phone number of an old friend who's birthday I still remember...I can't find it, because I have too many recipies and bank statements to sort through to find the scrap of paper...and the birthday passes.

I have lost some weight this week. It wasn't enough to tell the difference yet, but I have learned that a little bit of effort at a time adds up to something big in the long run. I was able to part with about 60 movies. I was freed from the space they take up and got $25 worth of credit at a nearby video store. I was able to part with 8 bottles of perfume and 5 bottles of scented lotion. I got rid of a candleholder set. I also have gathered about 20 magazines that have followed me home from the airport, which I will bring back to the crew lounge. This feels negligible to write these out. But that feeling is why I am doing it. I wont get rid of everything overnight, so I need to mentally reward myself for the bit at a time that I let go of. It will eventually add up to something.

mood: impatient (I want to lose all the weight-now!) Anna Nicole?

91 comments:

Atomic Bombshell said...

I'm cheering for you! Let me know if there's ever any way that I can lend some moral support. I lost fifty about two years ago and have kept it off... You can do it! And it feels great.

Diana Crabtree said...

A- Fifty? Wow! Fifty what pounds or movies? ;)

Kimchihead said...

Good luck! :)

I lost 35 lbs. going low carb. But since I quit smoking, I've gained about 15 lbs. back, because I've been eating anything I darn well please.

I'm back on the protein this week.

It's a tough road, but once you set your mind to something--really set your mind to it--you will succeed! :)

Diana Crabtree said...

K- if only I could guess your secret ingredient ;)

Satan said...

Well, I'm betting you're pretty damn cute the way you are, but if you're uncomfortable with it... just don't lose any of your spunk along with the pounds.

Satan said...

I cant give up any of my movies either. I hadn't thought about it as having emotions on tap, but you're right. If I want to be inspired or feel about myself/situation in certain way I will pull out the movie which will give it to me. Great observation! I'm still not getting rid of any of my films though. I think I'll watch the original 'Lady killers' tonight. *grin*

Jay said...

Ugh, parting with objects is always hard. Moving time is stressful enough, but I wish you well in all your endeavours.

Radin said...

I once faced both roadblocks. The weight loss: it has taken some time for the extra to accumulate and it will take time for it to go. Any revolutionary diet will end in it coming back with more force. It takes time and one has to be patient. Only cut on what you eat everyday bit by bit. And daily short exercise. The unwanted stuff. That has to be dealt with on revolutionary bases. Close your eyes and through them away. I have done both myself so I am not just commenting out of nothing.

Satan said...

*satan takes a furtive glance around the blog*

Hello

*echo's around the empty cyber-walls*

*Shrugs*

Hope you're well!

Diana Crabtree said...

Satan-

You are the one I sold my soul to, to get J-Lo's body. How could you forget? In exchange for her body (which ended up being 59 year old Jennifer Lowenstien's from down the street) you cursed me to spend 4 days a week in tiny metal boxes stuffed with fifty 6 foot 200 pound people on seats made for 5 foot 120 pound people.

And you hope I am well? ;)

Satan said...

Yes, yes I do hope you're well. I see this as my holiday house. Where I can get away from all the cursing and the heat and stuff. *wink to you too*

I should have re-phrased the curse. I didn't actually mean aeroplanes. damn!

Diana Crabtree said...

What did you mean? Used cars? :)

Loved the ad

Satan said...

Biscuit tin!

Gald you liked it, ya sexy Demon!

Satan said...

Sorry, I meant Saxy Demon... You do play saxophone don't you?

Diana Crabtree said...

I played for one year when I was 7 or 8

Biscuit tin/Regional Jet, same thing

Satan said...

I played for 7 or 8 years when I was one.

No not really, but I do play some mean jazz, even though I was formally trained in Renaissance, I used to drive my teacher mad. 'Here play this 14th Century piece written by the king of France', 'Sure, but first listen to this wicked riff I've got going after drinking red wine for 8 hours last night'. I was always her favourite ; )

The biscuits haven't been removed from the tin, they have from the plane?!

Satan said...

Ooops, actually she was 'mad' and the state agreed with her....

Diana Crabtree said...

Yes the biscuits have been removed from the plane. We used to have delicious nutmeg and cinnimon cookies called biscoff but they were removed.

We used to have bags of yummy spicy snack mix, but they were removed

Now all we have is artificial butter flavored pretzels, but those will be gone soon too.

Now thats a curse!

Diana Crabtree said...

So the reason you were inspired to write and create a film based on her was not out of respect but out of guilt for being the cause?

Satan said...

Ouch! Man that was low...

Satan said...

ROTFLMEAO

Diana Crabtree said...

Any lower than what you said? "...the state agreed"

Satan said...

That's her line, not mine! Should I have quoted the source?

Diana Crabtree said...

Yes, that makes all the difference (do you think she would mind if I stole the line?)

Satan said...

Well.... the state actually forcably put her in a mental institution, so I guess if you can say the same...

Diana Crabtree said...

No. That makes me sad :( Do you ever get to visit her? Does she know about the film? BTW I really want to see it. I am willing to pay to see it if there is a distributer (not TOO much but I could afford $20 to support a starving artist :) )

Satan said...

It all too sad if you ask me. She has been 'rehabilitated' since then, and is now living back at home. You know, she's even learnt how to comb her hair and stuff. I see her very infrequently, she knows about the film but has never seen it.

You have a DVD player?

Diana Crabtree said...

If I didn't have a DVD player I would only be able to watch the film, not the film + the deleted scenes + the commentary by the director + the commentary of the cast which would = I would die

Satan said...

Crap, enough of this sad rubbish... tell me about your pretzel snacks and your plans to resist their buttery goodness. What motivated you to want to lose weight anyway?

Diana Crabtree said...

I can't imagine going to visit someone you care about, and seeing them be a completely different person than you remembered. Well actually I can, which is why its so unspeakable.

Diana Crabtree said...

I forgot about your mood today- sorry

You know the weight loss thing is a metaphor. Its about holding onto things I don't need. Carrying around too much "baggage"

We should make a rule I think. When I write about my weight you shouldn't be allowed to write anything contrary. The reason I think we should make that rule is so I feel comfortable writing about it without thinking you are thinking I am fishing for reassurance

Satan said...

Ah, commentary junkie, I forgot...

My little film wont have any extras but I can burn off a copy and send it to you.

Diana Crabtree said...

Ooh, and I dodged the question. I want to lose weight 1. So I have more energy and 2. So I am more confident and can relax and enjoy life. (The van driver in Detroit was a brother, and thought I had the hottest body ever- but I still felt unattractive- it doesnt matter how hot the man thinks I am if I dont think it myself)

Diana Crabtree said...

I would worship you (even more than I already do) if you did that. I only want to see it if it has a seperate commentary each from the writer, director, producer and script supervisor (& a "bloopers" reel)

Satan said...

No, seriously it's not about a reassurance thing. I just typed a whole spiel but it sounded wrong. I was simply interested in the motivation, why now??

Satan said...

Ha ha! You know I'm all those things... the film is very complex and does need a commentary to uncover all the truths about the illness. I was meant to write a study piece on it for the education dept, but I was too lazy. Couldn't it be more fun if you watch the film and tell me what you learnt from it?

Satan said...

Not reassurance here but observation, you should be relaxed curvy women are da best!

Diana Crabtree said...

Why now is definately because I have started therapy. I have the courage and confidence that I could handle the attention and that I could use the power of beauty "for good not evil" (not mess with men's hearts to feed my ego)

I "blossomed" at 12 and the sudden attention was very hard on me. I got heavy in my senior year in high school and yo yoed, mostly because I wasn't motivated to stay that way- I am shy and get a little tweaked by the attention- but I think I am ready

And once again- read the post, it is more about getting rid of stuff than fat

Satan said...

Grrr... cough, cough, sorry had to clear my throat, I did read the post. I know it's more about moving on. The first two paragraphs of your reply above are really interesting though. I'm glad you feel ready to be all you can be. I'm also asking because it appeared after a certain touched-up-photo was sent. It wasn't meant to have that result or conotation - I was just fishing for answers to alleviate my conscience. I forget to spell things out sometimes.

Satan said...

I think commentaries with Australian accents are weird. The film has Aussie accents and it's OK, becuae they're pretend characters. But I dunno about commentaries...

Diana Crabtree said...

I didn't touch up the photo, the photograper did

Satan said...

He he - I meant the one starring a certain Jennifer Lowenstien...

Diana Crabtree said...

Why don't you tell me what you thought inspired it

Diana Crabtree said...

Did you think that seeing JLo's ass inspired me to lose weight?

Satan said...

Are you my psychotherapist now? *wink*

I didn't say anything other than what's in the piece inspired what you wrote. It's just I didn't ask permission to use your photo in addition to the Jen photo and I was worried that it was 'if only' scenario, as I said earlier, over the weekend 'I' was thinking it was a pretty rude thing to do to a new friend as I couldn't be sure how you'd take it.

But as you've said, the piece isn't all about that.

Wow, is this our first hard conversation?

Diana Crabtree said...

Yeah, where't the Telepathy go?

Maybe I didn't get the retouched photo?

Diana Crabtree said...

I think it's kind that you are concerned

Satan said...

It'll be back shortly... That's no doubt.

If only that were true, it was the dodginess - Jennifer Lowenstien one.

Satan said...

Satan kind???
Maybe I'm just setting you up for a bigger fall... OK, not really ;)

Diana Crabtree said...

I just saw it...that is fucking hilarous!

I AM inspired now :)

Diana Crabtree said...

It was on the bottom of a page with lots of replies, I had never scrolled down

I LOVE IT

Satan said...

Doh!!!! It's not meant to be taken that way.... Arrrghghhh

Satan said...

It was just a joke... I think you're damn fine the way you is!

Diana Crabtree said...

I am CHOKING I love it so much

And now I understood what you meant about "I never asked if I could alter your pic" in the second cut & paste

Satan said...

You mean I worried a whole weekend and you never saw it...

Diana Crabtree said...

Its a hilarious joke

Satan said...

I'm going to get some lunch, DONT choke!

Diana Crabtree said...

I am sorry you felt bad, but I am touched. (and touched up) LOL

Dont choke either

Satan said...

it's not as good as being felt up...

Back shortly

Diana Crabtree said...

I will know what "felt up" means after I am married

xsapph said...

Good grief I am probably intruding here, but I really liked your articles, and have been reading them for some weeks, which led me to other links from your site. I like setting off timebimbs sometimes, and now you two above are crisscrossing each other like star crossed lovers, it is rather endearing, well my remark on your holding onto things is this, I fully sympathise with it, in Britain we have TV programmes that are feeding off that concept exactly, they describe, the entire emotional process that has led to keeping things, I should know I am a massive hoarder myself, the worse case scenario for me, was where I was 'taking care' of but in fact hoarding a friends personal stuff, I became an enabler... because she just wouldn't be clear about collecting her stuff! It stayed with me, safely, but in my way, until it was way out of date, and she didn't even recognise it anymore!

As for your weight, moderation I guess is your best bet, and maybe a fruit juicer... the time it takes to use it, and clean it (do not believe the ads) puts you right off food altogether!

Diana Crabtree said...

Sapphire- the whole intruding idea is rediculous. If something is private it's a good idea NOT to post it on the "Worldwide" web LOL ;)

Thank you for for reading and being supportive of my quest of "weight loss" (Material and Physical) the Juicer comment cracked me up. And the US has those shows too, "too much" could be the US Federal Motto :)

Instead of star crossed lovers, imagine the unrequited love soap opera. The male lead has someone who sounds wonderful, so the beautiful young starlet has to pine from a distance.

And instead of a soap opera imagine its a Bollywood film, I am played by Aishwarya Rai and He is played by the guy in Pyarr Diwanna Hota Hai

Thanks again for reading ;) I am going to your site now :)

Gina said...

stay strong !

Satan said...

Good grief it's sapphy. *nods in recognition but doesn't say another word*

Well, um, glad you liked the photo and I guess that puts my mind completely to rest.

*looks up, rolls eyes*

Diana Crabtree said...

Sapphire+Satan=BFF right?

Satan said...

BFF?

Diana Crabtree said...

Best Friends Forever

Diana Crabtree said...

like 'tween schoolgirls

Satan said...

Oh yeah you know it!

But then again you know how much I love pride.

Satan said...

LMAO @ the bollywood reference BTW. I'd sell my motorbike to save your hair anyday mate.

Diana Crabtree said...

Awww,

Too late, I have already sold my hair, my left arm, and three of my toes

But I got you the CUTEST helmet :)

Satan said...

Nooooooooo! How will you dance???????????????????

Thanks for the helmet but I sold my bike so you could get that operation for your mother.

Satan said...

or was it to buy you out of slavery from the evil landlord.

Diana Crabtree said...

It was to buy a new computer, because this one has behaved strangely since I loaded it with digital photos of my (seven toed) feet

Satan said...

Seven Toes, I didn't know you were from down south!

Diana Crabtree said...

I don't get it. Maybe because of the blood loss.

Satan said...

Aren't the Texans meant to be inbreeders... What you're cutting??

Diana Crabtree said...

No, the man at the "body-shop" did the cutting The toes were what I used to pay for the monogramming on your helmet

Satan said...

We have Tasmanians here who fill the role.

Satan said...

Awwww... that's so sweet! What does the Monogramming say, I would have thought it was only an S. That's pretty expensive, two toes.

Diana Crabtree said...

I hope thats a region, not an ethnicity, I am very PC you know.

Satan said...

It's a state, an island off the bottom of Oz. Very, very beautiful. The people are a little slow is all - country people. There's a common joke that if someone says they're from Tas you ask if you can see the scar where the other head was taken off.

Satan said...

Nobody minds, Aussie's are pretty irreverant and we know it.

Diana Crabtree said...

It cost me an arm and a leg but I wrote the thing that most endearingly expressed my feelings to you...













Go to hell

Satan said...

You're so, so sweet.

Diana Crabtree said...

I just knew you'd like it :) tee hee hee hee

Satan said...

Sorry, I ahd that four letter work feeling again.

Diana Crabtree said...

Oh! So now I bet you are going to tell me to go to bed because my friend is picking me up early tomorrow to go swimming at another friend's cabin.

OK then...since you suggested it ;)

Satan said...

Sleep well. As much as I LOVE, in a star crossed rap dancing bollywood lovers kinda way, chatting with you I've got meetings.

xsapph said...

You could print these symbols and stick them on your fridge and do butt clenches, as you decide which one you aspire to following strenously working out!

"We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons,"
where:


:) means a smile and


:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by


:-)

:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?" Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass



(__!__) a fat ass



(!) a tight ass



(_*_) a sore ass



{_!_} a swishy ass



(_o_) an ass that's been around



(_x_) kiss my ass



(_X_) leave my ass alone



(_zzz_) a tired ass



(_E=mc2_) a smart ass



(_$_) Money coming out of his ass



(_?_) Dumb Ass


...You have just been e-mooned! Send this to 5 people within the next hour
and you will be blessed with people laughing at your e-mail.

This is NOT a chain letter, so if you don't mail it out, you won't have bad
luck. (But who wouldn't want to e-Moon a friend?)

Happy e-mooning!!!"

[Not my work, but someone sent it to me after I moaned about Satan's antics, and then burst out laughing when they suggested that it was a love/hate relationship!

On your other highlighted topic regarding this article: p.s. there is a site called clutterclearing.net

I learnt how to release plastic bags, and but I am not yet on the step to recovery regarding organising my personal belongings.

As for Satan... I am slowly finding him more and more endearing, one of my friends said 'Methinks he has Clark Gable's 'undress-2-killer' smile... you know the one when we first see that wicked man at the bottom of the stairs... Of course two images come to miind.....'

'beauty and the beast'... he knows how pretty he is under his mask, ... AND, Al Pacino's desireable devil... 'eat your heart out'....

Diana Crabtree said...

Sapphire- I am going to checkout that website. Thanks!