Friday, July 22, 2005


The other day I wrote a post describing the frustration of having anxiety disorder. I wished for my life to no longer be like this:

I am so enraged right now. This pisses me off. I want success too. I want accomplisments too. I feel like it has been granted to others and not to me. I am pissed because if effort, will, and motivation were what was rewarded, I would have success beyond my wildest dreams, but its not the effort that counts, its the result, and I have not had results. DAMN DAMN DAMN!

So yesterday I added a medication for anxiety, and it seems that I no longer have the problem of having an abundance of will, but the results and rewards of a slacker. Now I have the results AND will of a slacker...I feel very unmotivated!

I am not concerned yet. Since little less is being accomplished than many of my most anxious days I am going to enjoy the laziness. I imagine that the lack of "motivation" I am feeling is actually a lack of the voice of my anxiety shouting in my ear "YOU MUST DO THIS...OR ELSE!"

If everything is going as it should, I will have to learn how to have a motivation of desire, instead of the usual: fear. I don't have to have it all figured out today (that statement might be a good sign :) )

mood: LAZY

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