Saturday, July 23, 2005

I'm not crazy, but I seem like I am

Okay, I am aware that a well made movie can put a person into a different headspace, it is after midnight and I just watched the excellent film "The Machinist"

I am so sick of my life. I am at the point where I would like to be rich enough to hire someone to gut and clean the whole apartment, and start from scratch. It's really not that messy, (my room, the size of a full and twin bed laid next to eachother is) but otherwise it's only as messy as an average bachelor's apartment. But I hate it. It stresses me out and makes me feel out of control. I hate most of all not being able to find things. This is it again. My inner life (my perception of myself) doesn't match the outside.

Inside, I value reasonable order (I like a little mess for the "homey" feeling.)
On the outside things are in terrible dissarray (I have 4 boxes full of random things, so if I am wondering where my bungee cords are, I have to look through 4 boxes)

Inside I care about my appearance, I look natural but well groomed. Outside I am blase, I usually wear a knit shirt and jeans, I only shave my legs if I expect to get some, and I have acne and mom hair.

Inside I am smart and ambitious, ready to leave my mark on the world, outside I am a wuss, too chicken to grieve contract violations by the company, and too chicken to tell every passenger to stow their purse.

Inside I am a considerate friend and family member, who sends cards on birthdays, and is regularly in touch, outside I don't always return calls, often because I prefer to stay at home, in an apartment that will never be clean, no matter how many plans I break.

The good news is I know that the person inside is the real me. I will be her someday, I am more her today than I was 5 years ago. The other good news is I see the person outside too so I can gauge my success.

mood: sick and tired of being sick and tired

1 comment:

Satan said...

Something about this post reminds me of this, or maybe I'm just crazy.