I have bad news and I have good news and I have good news.
The bad news is I want to quit the museum position.
The good news is I dont want to want to quit the museum position.
The good news is my tour went great!
It was an architecture tour and about 30 people showed up!!!! (usually a tour is 10-12) having it more people actually made it easier, it was less intimate. I can see why things went well, it was a combination of factors.
An obvious reason things went well was the new medication prescribed to address the anxiety. The doctor said to start with a quarter mg and increase to a half if needed, last night I felt the "fog" return so I increased it to a half, and that "unpopular schoolgirl" feeling was completely gone. I even chit chatted with this slim low-voiced hipster girl who intimidated the hell out of me- she was like a symbol to me of all the people who I imagined would snub me- she was very nice. It's a good thing that that social phobia feeling has faded a bit, because shy has the tendency to look like stuck-up, and I was worried that could become the case if I didn't become more outgoing.
Another reason I think things went well is I felt cute :) This must be medication related because I have gained 5 pounds on my new summer ice-cream-only diet :) I got dressed and did my hair and makeup and just felt attractive- that sent my confidence way up, so I could relax and be my cheesy-cheery-flight-attendant-dorky self :)
The third reason I think things went well is as important as the medication. I let go of the perfectionism. Perfectionism means it's either perfect or it's unacceptable. Since nothing is perfect then if you are a perfectionist you are never acceptable. This has been a big problem in my life acedemicly, and with the tour guide training/planning. The tour was far from perfect. It went well becuase I wasn't beating up on myself internally every time I could have done something better. I started the tour by telling them it was my first ever, so we could make it a game to see who could stump and fluster me. They asked tons of questions and I did not have the answer to many of them, which was just fine.
All in all it was a very imperfect tour. But instead of saying to myself "God I'm so stupid!" and tugging on my hair like Chris Farley on SNL when I made a mistake, I just corrected myself and forgot about it :) I could have done alot better but as another SNL character would say "and thats...okay"
mood: ACCOMPLISHED! :) :) :) :) :)