Thursday, July 28, 2005

I had my first tour today

I have bad news and I have good news and I have good news.

The bad news is I want to quit the museum position.

The good news is I dont want to want to quit the museum position.

The good news is my tour went great!

It was an architecture tour and about 30 people showed up!!!! (usually a tour is 10-12) having it more people actually made it easier, it was less intimate. I can see why things went well, it was a combination of factors.

An obvious reason things went well was the new medication prescribed to address the anxiety. The doctor said to start with a quarter mg and increase to a half if needed, last night I felt the "fog" return so I increased it to a half, and that "unpopular schoolgirl" feeling was completely gone. I even chit chatted with this slim low-voiced hipster girl who intimidated the hell out of me- she was like a symbol to me of all the people who I imagined would snub me- she was very nice. It's a good thing that that social phobia feeling has faded a bit, because shy has the tendency to look like stuck-up, and I was worried that could become the case if I didn't become more outgoing.

Another reason I think things went well is I felt cute :) This must be medication related because I have gained 5 pounds on my new summer ice-cream-only diet :) I got dressed and did my hair and makeup and just felt attractive- that sent my confidence way up, so I could relax and be my cheesy-cheery-flight-attendant-dorky self :)

The third reason I think things went well is as important as the medication. I let go of the perfectionism. Perfectionism means it's either perfect or it's unacceptable. Since nothing is perfect then if you are a perfectionist you are never acceptable. This has been a big problem in my life acedemicly, and with the tour guide training/planning. The tour was far from perfect. It went well becuase I wasn't beating up on myself internally every time I could have done something better. I started the tour by telling them it was my first ever, so we could make it a game to see who could stump and fluster me. They asked tons of questions and I did not have the answer to many of them, which was just fine.

All in all it was a very imperfect tour. But instead of saying to myself "God I'm so stupid!" and tugging on my hair like Chris Farley on SNL when I made a mistake, I just corrected myself and forgot about it :) I could have done alot better but as another SNL character would say "and thats...okay"

mood: ACCOMPLISHED! :) :) :) :) :)

98 comments:

Satan said...

Congrats, you're a legend.

Diana Crabtree said...

I can't think of a compliment nicer than "legend" awwww

Diana Crabtree said...

BTW there was an architect in the group. I laughed to myself when describing the cantilever, wondering if he knows what "cornice" means.

Satan said...

You should have asked!!

...and then danced.

Diana Crabtree said...

Funny you should mention that. This morning I saw that you wrote "cornice" as a comment, and I started dancing! I danced the whole tour. I think they thought it was a statement about the multidiciplineary nature of the museum!

Diana Crabtree said...

Fortunately they clapped at the end, so I was able to stop dancing

Satan said...

Nah, I just think they thought you were nervous and needed to go to the bathroom.

Satan said...

Did you get the performance on Video for me?

Satan said...

I take it that's a No!

Diana Crabtree said...

You were in my dream last night...

I don't remember the details, but I remember you were saying things that were real let downs for me. Then I realized in my dream that it was a dream, so I was saying to myself "stop feeling disappointed, thats not really him, its a character in your mind, so you are inventing everything he said."

So you know what this means right? It means your the man of my dreams ;)

Diana Crabtree said...

For some reason my yahoo messenger wasn't blinking. I felt disappointed that you hadn't responded, and it reminded me of my dream! LOL!

Satan said...

I was starting to think you weren't speaking to me. I tend to instill that in people for some reason... must be all the blight and pestilence.

Which dream was that?

Diana Crabtree said...

The one last night (see comment above last one)

Satan said...

I don't know how I missed that...

Being the dark overlord of your dreams, don't you think it's a shame that I'm disppointing?

Satan said...

Interesting question, what did I look like in your dream, did I have the mask?

Diana Crabtree said...

Thats the funny thing. You know how in real life a person can look completely different than they do in your dream, but you still know it's them?

I think you looked sort of like you, but it's all a bit fuzzy

Diana Crabtree said...

In the end you werent dissapointing, because it wasn't you, it was my own thoughts :)

Satan said...

Ahhhhhh,

So what you're saying is that it's the expectations you've created of who I am and what I'm saying that's disappointing.

You're right about looking different in dreams. In my dreams you're a real cutie... oh wait, that's true.

Diana Crabtree said...

In my dream I am pretty sure you were a cheater, and had plenty of selfish excuses to defend it. I just remember thinking, "damn it, I thought he was in the 'I'm wrong to be sexist' category- add another to the 'im right' pile I guess"
I felt really happy when I realized it wasn't really you.

My interpretation of the dream is I think your too good to be true.
With that last sentance, until the last four words you were about to go in the "im right" pile again LOL

Awww, you called me a cutie tee hee hee

Satan said...

What?!?! Satan acting selfish and making excuses for it? Who woulda thunk it!

Sorry, that was meant to be a real cue-tip

Diana Crabtree said...

ROTFLMAO!

Satan said...

What do you mean 'too good to be true'. I am human 'in a dark overlord kinda way' you know. I have my foibles. I guess it's like your tour. If you can forgive the mistakes then it's not so bad.

Diana Crabtree said...

Oh, don't worry about that, I am CERTAIN that you are screwed up LMAO

I mean too good to be true that I get to have a crush on you and have you call me sweet things like "legend" and "cue-tip" even though you have a partner.

I have met plenty of "taken" boys who I would have a crush on, but I wouldn't be able to have such a fun flirtation because I was always suspicious of their commitment.

I was knowingly the other woman once (I had a b-friend at the time too) I have never felt so ashamed of myself, not for the cheating on my jerk as much as sleeping twice with a man in a relationship. I think I earned my "good person" status back- he said he would leave his girl for me and I said no unless he left her without me as a "back-up" and I saw them years later, still together, and looking happy.

But as for you being "perfect" no, I strongly suspect you leave the toilet seat up now and then. ;)

Diana Crabtree said...

You are going to have to get that toilet thing taken care of before you become my third husband in 2025

Satan said...

Jeez, now I'm worried, you've moved the date up by 25 years haven't you.

sorry to disappoint you again but, no, I don't leave the seat up. Common courtesy... geez.

Satan said...

I think the non-perfection comes from the fact that I was knowingly the other woman once too. *wink* Thank god for surgery!

Diana Crabtree said...

Oh, thats right 2025 is my FIRST husband, oops!

You can't blame me for being eager

Diana Crabtree said...

People who make mistakes and learn from them are different than people who don't see them as necessaraly being mistakes. It makes me sick how many people see that as no big deal. I thing being polyamorus is fine, but being deceitfull is unforgivable.

Diana Crabtree said...

Do you get distracted by my spelling/typing errors? hope nott.

Diana Crabtree said...

There are loopholes of course...the best known one being the "I was of a different gender at the time"

Satan said...

Hehehe, that's one hell of a loophole.

No you're spelling doesn't bother me won little bit.

You're right about the deceitful thing, I have the one bonus of going out with someone who has a eastern european background.

Diana Crabtree said...

So that means she will kick your ass if you screw up? Or she has a sexy accent? Or both?

Speaking of, you are born in Australia, right?

Diana Crabtree said...

Well getting gender reassignment surgery is a big move to get out of cheating, but it proves you feel genuine remorse.

Satan said...

Yeah, I was born here.

No, she won't kick my arse. It's not uncommon for guys in Hungary to have a mistress and for the wife to know and even hang out with the 'other' woman. She's even said that I'm allowed one affair - although apparently if it's more than that she'll take offence as it'll be more about not loving her anymore rather than loving the other person.

Personally, I think that's a little weird. I'd be shattered if she had an affair. But hey, different cultures.

Satan said...

It's also not uncommon for a guys mothers friends to introduce him to the world of sex. Why wasn't I born in Hungary... I remember thinking some of my mum's friends were hot.

Diana Crabtree said...

Wow!

I think you should tell her that she can have sex with your cousin. In the wodaabe tribe (in an African country) the women can have sex with their husband's cousin.

I think the root of affairs being acceptable comes from the cultures/times in which people marry for status instead of love. You marry the woman from the best family you can, and then you have a mistress becuase you fell in love.

People sometimes still marry for status in the US "its just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is to fall in love with a poor man. I will probably leave my husband if he cheats, not because it's unforgiveable but because I would be "shattered" as you put it so well. For that reason I hope I find a match for me, and that I don't settle for someone who gives me security.

Diana Crabtree said...

I want to move to hungary too! (if people lose thier virginity at 20)

You know what an idiot I am? I had the opportunity to take a cute, sweet 18 year old's virginity when I was 24, I said no because I felt guilty, like his first time should be "special"

I could have made that kid the world's best lover, what is wrong with me?

Satan said...

I don't particularly want her having sex with anyone else, thankyou very much...

Ewwwwwwwww... all my male cousins are like 15 or something... oh, and I'm not African.

I think that whole security thing is rediculous as well. I've known dirt poor people to be completely happy, and rich people to be otherwise. The guy I know in NY - you know the one I'm talking about - his second/third (can't remember) wife is a rich jewish woman. All their daughters are known as Jewish princesses who would never even date someone unless they're millionaires. I think that's a little sad, they're limiting their chances for happiness.

I think you're right about the 'root' (Hehehe) of acceptable affairs, but I also think that in Hungary, where they had so little, it was a form of entertainment or something. Now if only I could find the right woman for my one affair, wouldn't want to waste my one opportunity. Might have to wait til I have my mid-life crisis or something.

Satan said...

You should be ashamed of yourself. He would have always remembered you as one of his fondest memories and had a little grin on his face every time he thought of you.

Hungary's not all beer and skittles, it's the porn capital of the world and has the highest rate of alcholism in europe.

Diana Crabtree said...

I think the reason for the "1 affair" rule is patriarchy. Just my opinion.

Satan said...

Oh, WOB's uncle lost his virginity to one of his Mum's friend at age 14. They have very little sexual hang-ups particularly when it comes to young virile men. The girls are a little more conservative, well until they hit seventeen anyway.

Satan said...

What do you mean, Patriachy?

Diana Crabtree said...

Well he got to think of me for at least a year. I got him a subscription to "Mother Jones" an awesome left-wing magazine.

Months later had called me, but my closeted flamer roommate (I know not accidentally) didn't get a number.

Oh well, its good masturbation material for both of us, LOL!

Satan said...

LMAO - Yes, well there's always that.

Diana Crabtree said...

Male Dominated culture.

My roommates here and we are doing moving stuuf...Ill be back later

Satan said...

I know the definition, blimey, I meant how does it relate directly to WOB's 1 affair rule. You've got to understand she is born and raised in Australia and doesn't even remotely like the masochistic male dominated nature of hungarian culture (or that aspect of Oz culture for that matter - I'm not like that). She gets very pissed off with it.

I think she just see's the affair thing as practical, she's a very practical lady - too practical sometimes, and believes that at some stage in our life together I could possibly meet and fall in 'love' with someone else. I think she wants me to know that if anything happened as a result there would be no reason to hide it and that she'd be understanding. Don't forgot - I'm not about to take her up on this 'offer'. I'm not on the look out or anything.

Anyway - Have fun moving things and I'll chat with you later. I'm going out to lunch with WOB today. You're timing couldn't be better.

Diana Crabtree said...

She sounds awesome- It takes a strong person to think that way.

Have fun- dont forget to tell her about the cousin thing

Satan said...

Ha ha - she knows my non-african cousins. I don't think she's interested.

Diana Crabtree said...

not yet...

Diana Crabtree said...

Just so you know, I am the nicest person in the world.

I organized and packed half the kitchen for Emma.

Sure it gets rid of her faster, but she would have to be out one way or another, so it is easier for her this way

Plus the girl drives me fucking nuts, but from the way she looks at it I am sad to see her go, I feel so nice that I am able to be so kind even though I want to throw a celebration party

Satan said...

You sound very nice! Whoa!

Diana Crabtree said...

Its fair to say she did me a big favor- by leaving, so the least I can do is help make it smooth for her.

Satan said...

Not glad to see the back of her are you? Much!

Is it fair to say that when you see something as 'over' you run with it like there's no tommorrow?

Diana Crabtree said...

Run with it like there's no tomorrow? what do you mean? Seriously, I don't understand the question. Was it "stating the obvious" or was it a genuine question? If so, can you rephrase it?

Satan said...

Grmfbleladida, sorry I was getting phone calls and typing at the same time. When you see something as over, it's over period! Yes/No?

Diana Crabtree said...

With her and I, it's been over for nearly a year, yet I kept telling myself I should like her more. I see my behavior now as being the opposite as "its over". My kindness is a non-bridge burner thing.

With another person, It was similar, quite some time ago my gut said "this person doesn't want to be healthy" but I wanted to be fair. I didn't want to abandon anyone fragile without good reason. When I was attacked (more than once) I had every right to cut ties and so I did, guilt free.

But I have plenty of people who I have lost touch with, even a few who have hurt me, but I dont see it as "over...period"

Ooh! OOH! I got it. I think I am more patient than many people. I put up with more than many will. So, when I have finally reached my last straw, yes it's over, period, I have invested enough energy.

So I guess my answer is "sometimes" LOL! How about you? When you see something as over, it's over period? Yes/no?

Satan said...

Nah, I think I'm much the same as you, surprise! There's lots of times that I know it should just fade away but I continue to maintain a relationship.

There have been a few times that I've done the 'that's it'!

My oldest friend in the world got himself into one of those meditation things and became a really pompous ass. Always going on about how he was more evolved or further along the path. Very arrogant and surprisingly hypocritical. I guess I stayed friends because of the history but in the end I had to say 'enough'. Never really looked back though.

In general I'd have to say that the answer would tend to be No.

Satan said...

You're patient! Is that why you put up with my shit ; )

Diana Crabtree said...

"Just don't make me mad!" :)

Satan said...

And what would it take you to get mad?

Diana Crabtree said...

Don't get me wrong, you really are on to something. I like closure. But someone has to do something REALLY bad to get the heave ho.

To many people my "it's over" may seem abrupt, but it's because they werent respecting me and taking me seriously. A good example is the coke-head trust fund baby. He had PLENTY of chances to be respectful to our house, and I had warned him I wanted him out by noon, it was his choice to not take my kind manner and calm tone seriously. So I put his stuff on the porch.

Also "Batman" (dont know if you read that far back) I had told him DOZENS of times my feelings, he ignored them, so I dumped him. He was "shocked" by it, it had seemed out of nowhere to him, but if he had seen my opinion as important in the first place, he would have seen this as a consequence.

So in many ways your observation is right. I have limited energy, so I only put it into things that give me energy back.

Satan said...

Besides not taking your anti-psyhic drugs. Hehehe

Diana Crabtree said...

"just dont make me mad" was a reference back to the Detroit boy-toy

I don't think you would EVER be in that category. You are amazingly perceptive, especially since you can do it without tone of voice, with only the written word.

And again, someone has to be REALLY bad to me to get that, I am such a softie, I never like hurting people.

Satan said...

werent respecting me and taking me seriously - I guess that's the same as with my friend. I never read the Batman post, but if you had explained yourself to him on a number of occasions and he wasn't listening then I think that's a rightful heave-ho situation.

I'm not actually sure why I asked this question in the first place. Mmmm... tis interesting though.

Satan said...

I knew the comical reference - I just thought I'd put a different tone on it. Who says I can't hear your tone of voice?? or you can't hear mine for that matter?

I'm not an angry person either, I still have a relationship with my mother in-law even after she stole thousands of dollars from WOB and I for gambling... I too am a little patient. It made me angry but not enough to say 'that's it'.

Diana Crabtree said...

Well to "run with" your different tone, this is what makes me say "no more...period"

When someone repeatedly treats me with less respect than every human deserves, then they lose the privledge of my company.

This is where alot of my sexism comes from, I spent my younger years being wild in the same way men are- but was regularly treated disrespectfully. I developed negative feelings about men as a group because so many would do something, and then disrespect someone else for doing the EXACT SAME THING- even when it's benefiting them.

I think there are extra factors with MILofWOB. If a friend did it I'll bet you would have said "that's it", but to say that to MIL could hurt WOB, so you didn't.

Satan said...

Nah, to tell you the honest truth - I burnt down her house and then stole the insurance money...

As far as the others/self respect thing goes.

*Holds fist in air*

Right on Sister

Diana Crabtree said...

It is a gall-durn shame, because I'd sure like to get laid now and then. Oh well, nuns can do it, I suppose I can too.

Satan said...

Don't they get to do it with the Big G

Diana Crabtree said...

Oh, your right. Shit!

Satan said...

Don't hold it against your vibrator that it can't take out the trash. It's still your friend.

Satan said...

Maybe with your Greek Goddess of a name you should call down Zeus for a bit of Rumpy-pumpy.

Diana Crabtree said...

Tee hee, your right. Such a good friend.

Diana Crabtree said...

Eww, zeus is my dad!

Satan said...

Zeus wasn't Diana's dad was he??

Satan said...

Hey, it was a different time back then anyway.

Diana Crabtree said...

Diana is the roman equivalent to Artemis I think. Who may in fact be Zeus' daughter

Satan said...

Hey maybe you could call down Uranus. Ha ha ha, I feel like I'm back in primary school.

Diana Crabtree said...

And those gods were sickos. Lots of grossy ness. But no, I am not going to bone Zeus (even though he is QUITE the "Greek god" I have heard)

Satan said...

LMAO

Diana Crabtree said...

Well me too because that made me laugh!

Satan said...

I guess you'll have to stick with... actually, have you given it a name like the coffee machine?

Satan said...

Why can I imagine you as a cute little thing twirling pig-tails.

Diana Crabtree said...

It's name is "the ambassador" it creates "good will" between myself, and the men of the world (since so many of them are incapable of creating good-will with their own "member of the united nations")

Thanks to the diplomatic efforts of "the ambassador" I am willing to be patient until I one day am able to form an alliance with another soveriegn entity.

Diana Crabtree said...

See, there you are being perceptive again *continues twirling*

Satan said...

I wish we could start trade negotiations but unfortunately all trade routes are under embargo due to trade with another sovereign entity.

Satan said...

Oh please tell me you're wearing the uniform too ; )

Diana Crabtree said...

Yes I am wearing the uniform...full military fatigues.

I too would like to begin negotiations, but will respect your alliance and hope to avoid a preemptive strike.

It's not in vain. Your trade-worthiness gives me ideas of what I look for in a country to form an alliance with.

Satan said...

Doh, I was hoping for the airline hostess uniform, maybe with some slight alterations. I respect your respect for my trade practices and truely hope you can retire the ambassador once fruitful international relations start.

Satan said...

Ha ha ha, Mmmmm, Ha ha ha

Diana Crabtree said...

Well whats nice about trade is the more you get the more you want, so I will likely keep the ambassador, but hopefully he will take on a less prominent role in my foriegn relations.

Satan said...

Be careful, I skilled country can use your ambassador against you.

Satan said...

Now it looks like you're ignoring me becuase I'm a perv! Did you see the comic called perv that belongs to that Richen girl who commented on my site. I think it's quite cute.

Diana Crabtree said...

not ignoring you perv, just writing a VERY CATHARTIC book in your e-mail.

Satan said...

But, you were wearing a uniform made of PVC... talk about a mood breaker... Although I am a perv I'm just joking, I thought I'd add something while I was waiting.

Satan said...

Just so you know, I have to run to a meeting, but I will answer before I head home.

Diana Crabtree said...

If you can. Dont sweat it. I actually should go to bed anyway. Night

Satan said...

Night