Saturday, July 16, 2005

Everyone in the inner city has a gun

At 10:30 AM thursday Carrie came to pick me up to go to Jane's cabin. Jane is almost 8 months pregnant and we have been, far too much, out of touch.


I met Jane and Carrie freshman year at college, we will call the school St. Poopastica since that is what the three of us called it. It is actually a fantastic school, but the students there are mostly sheltered small-town people, many of them quite judgemental and hypocritical.

I met Carrie first at a "get to know each other" event. She was from the suburbs and I from the city. I made a comment "people think the inner-city is so scary but it isn't. People think everyone has a gun or something, I mean I have one, but not every one does" and she said "really?" I have teased her quite a bit about that. She also wore a terrible purple t-shirt with wolves and mountains on it. The most warm sincere lovely person you will ever meet. I met Jane through Carrie. She was Carrie's roommate. A tiny woman with a curmudgenly personality, with no apologies. I love her I love her I love her.

Jane and Carrie took interest in the weird "alternative" things that interested me. Freshman year the three of us would have dance parties to my Big Audio Dynamite CD and Jane's Dangerous Minds soundtrack. Years later a girl from down the hall told us she got jealous of us because it sounded like we had so much fun at the end of the hall, she was the exception, the rest of the hall was annoyed by it.

I had a hard time with grades, my anxiety disorder made studying very hard- the more important it was to me, the harder it was to study. I could get C's on tests without studying, but C grades dont get you into the Physical therapy program. I had moved off campus, transferred to another school in town, and when I was in a depression I wouldn't call them for a months, but they stuck with me.

Ten years from when we met, Jane is married with a baby on the way, Carrie is engaged to a man who has been in love with her since freshman year, and we are all still friends. But not enough. Jane is pretty lonely. She has moved to the small town she is from. Her husband is a farmer out there so there is no way she can move closer to us. Her only friends out there is a sister in law who doesn't like to do active things like she does, and a high school "friend" who behaves jealously and competatively, who Jane is unable to admit to her husband that she doesn't like (how do you say you dont like a friend you have had for 20 years?)

Jane's cabin is adorable. We soaked in the bathwater-temperature lake for literally about 7 hours (we had an hour break in there for a snacky dinner. On the way home we saw wild turkeys and a baby horse. It should have been fun for me but I was terribly anxious the whole time. I am in paradise, with the best friends a girl could ever have, one of these friends needs me, and I have the audacity to be overwhelmed with anxiety?

IMG_7794wrinkled fingers

I had a therapy appointment yesterday and Dr. T suggested something that made sense. I, an INFJ am extremely sensitive. I was confronted with three strong emotional things on thursday. First, my life is in transition and I am fearful of losing my friends as I become the person I really am. Second, on the same note, in my relationship with Jane she was always dominant, and I liked that, I looked up to her and one day wanted to be more like her, my feelings are different now, her life is wonderful for her, but not right for me. Since that dynamic no longer works for us we have to come up with a new dynamic, and thats scary. Third, my friend who I love was in pain. She is lonely. I have the "gift" of being able to feel other people's pain, but to feel the pain of my friend who I love, and the guilt of knowing I have contributed to this pain, mixed with the fear of losing these friends. I would have been overwhelmed if I had allowed myself to feel so many feelings so I blocked them out, and so instead of enjoying the day I was crippled with anxiety.

Yesterday I wanted to buy a card for Jane to tell her how much I love her. I realized it she would like a homemade card better, she has always appreciated the things I have made for her, so I made her a card using a picture I took of her in a pair of joke glasses I brought to make them laugh (that the brat said looked like something I would wear! brat!)

I love An upload of a photograph of a photocopy of a collage made of mass media images and a photograph

Dr. T made many excellent points yesterday. Another point she made was, as you become more and more yourself you lose friends. Some people are no longer compatible and they fall away. The true friends adjust. I felt no pangs of anxiety as she said these words. I know what these women are. They are such true friends. They are better friends to me than I have ever been to them. Now is my chance to return the favor.

mood: immense gratitude; HOT (90 something- indoors!)

1 comment:

Radin said...

We are all the time going through changes and it is true with ourselves as well as our friends. It is something we have to accept. We need to know them as they are at present. I had this experience with some of my old friends. I came to terms with the changes we all have gone through and continued our friendship but in different ways. It is natural I think. You are experiencing what we all experience this regards and you are not to blame yourself. keeping up relationships sometimes needs working at.