I am TERRIFIED of the bird flu, TERRIFIED. I am certian I am going to catch it and it will make my already difficult to manage life harder. I work on the plane, so I would be one of the first in the US to catch it if it spread like they are saying it might.
So today, my classy, classy airline, had no water in the bathroom for people to wash their hands. THEN, we didn't have anti-bacterial wipes to wash our hands either! NO WAY TO WASH YOUR HANDS! I was so humiliated making that announcement, I made sure to follow it immediately with the phone number and e-mail of the company.
I really didn't think that the job could get any worse, but now that the company that provides us with ramp, commissary, lav & galley water is bankrupt, it is as if we are bankrupt too. In fact, it's fair to assume that the bankrupt company servicing us is taking care of thier own planes first, and they were already staffed beyond their limits, so our airline runs less smoothly, and it never ran smoothly in the first place.
I need to buy a condo and go back to school.
mood: not bad, eating junk
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
SO GLAD
My dad called me tonight to tell me he goes in for surgery tomorrow, he is getting a cataract removed!
I can't put into words how happy I am to know this. My dad is a craftsman, he works with his hands, he needs depth perception.
The surgeon is one of the best in the country! My dad has health insurance to cover the operation! This may seem normal to many people but it is a dream come true for me, I may have health insurance, but how can I be calm and happy if I know my own father doesn't?
Seeing my mentally ill father who has no retirement account with a cataract was really frightening to me. If his health is failing at only 56, how will he survive as he ages? Knowing he will have this operation is such a weight off my shoulders.
mood: not great, but it was great when I found out
I can't put into words how happy I am to know this. My dad is a craftsman, he works with his hands, he needs depth perception.
The surgeon is one of the best in the country! My dad has health insurance to cover the operation! This may seem normal to many people but it is a dream come true for me, I may have health insurance, but how can I be calm and happy if I know my own father doesn't?
Seeing my mentally ill father who has no retirement account with a cataract was really frightening to me. If his health is failing at only 56, how will he survive as he ages? Knowing he will have this operation is such a weight off my shoulders.
mood: not great, but it was great when I found out
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Yo solamente entendar uno idioma
Yesterday Lily called me and invited me to a prayer group/Bible Study. It was really cool. At the bible study was Lily, who is Dominican, 4 Mexicans, one Colombian one woman from El Salvador, oh, and me. All but 2 of them were Catholic. It was nice (I have never been to a Bible study before) They talked about what was going on in their lives, read a bible passage, interpreted it, wrote prayers for everyone in the group on a piece of paper and then one woman recited the prayers. Most of this was in Spanish. The best part was when everyone was praying, out loud, at the same time, in Spanish. I wouldn't say it was entertaining, that could be disrespectful, I would say it was fascinating, so different from what I am used to, but didn't seem wierd or crazy, it seemed very passionate. After the "meeting" we sat and ate Dominican food (it reminded me of Mexican food but not spicy.)
Later Lily trimmed mine, and another lady's, eyebrows, and most of the people went home. Lily then invited me to a party. It was a get together to celebrate a six year old's birthday. At the party we ate Mole (yes, a SECOND dinner) ice cream, and Birthday cake. At the end of the night we danced to Daddy Yankee in the basement, and then I spent the night at Lily's, and went to a spanish language mass with them in the morning.
I had a lot of fun, but was really ready to go home at the end of last night. It was SO much stimulation to be around a different culture (or should I say cultures) and I was not only worn out from the difference in national origins, but in the difference in class. Over the 2 days I had to look straight-forwardly into my own racist feelings and race-privledge, as well as being faced with the dilemma of how to respond when you (justifiably) disagree with something, without being judgemental, but from genuinely caring.
The racism and race privledge feelings I was confronted with was mostly class-based. At the party I chatted mostly with Lily's mexican brother-in-law. He was funny, smart, ambitious, and was really welcoming to me. But had I seen him on the street I would have plenty of pre-concieved notions about him, just by looking at him. He was short and mexican, wearing a form fitting black shirt and 4-5 chains around his neck. His wife, as well as many of her sisters worked in laundry at a nearby hospital. It made me feel even more embarrased to know that many people have the same pre-concieved notions, but actually think they have validity.
It makes me sick to my stomach to have to deal with the fact that privledge I live with is not universal. I saw at the checkout at K-mart how vigilant the sales-people are, they not only asked Lily a ton of questions when she presented her credit card, they had a person standing at the door checking the reciepts as we exited. I was enraged last month when the man at the airport store assumed I wasn't going to buy the expensive stealth bag because I worked for the regional instead of the mainline, I know I should be happy that I am confronted with that feeling rarely enough that I still let it upset me.
There were plenty of cultural things that struck me as "tacky" but were none of my damn business, but there were a few things that were fair differences in opinion, I had a hard time figuring out how, as a guest to their family, I should respond. With the first topic I responded altogether wrong. Lily and her husband bought their 3 year old toy guns! Not only did they buy them guns they let him pretend to shoot them AT people and at the dog (making him bark like crazy.) At the store I opened my fat mouth and said "your buying him toy guns?" It was none of my business, it wasn't my son, they were very nice about it, and I wished I hadn't said it.
In the car I guess I felt something was my business. There were only 4 seatbelts, so I tried to put the (big) 3 year old in the seatbelt. He wanted to sit in the middle, and whined and squirmed. The whole family seemed to be willing to give him his way (letting him be boss- worse than toy guns in my opinion) and I finally just said to myself "it's not my kid, at least I tried to put him in the seatbelt" and gave him his way- rewarded the 3 year old for whining! I have seen this kind of parenting before, it pisses me off royally, especially since my dad raised me that way and I resent it to this day. What is the cause of it? It's not that they don't love little Alejandro, he is their little sweetheart, they shower him with love and attention. I was going to call it a working class problem, but I realize that this is a problem in all of our social classes. I really think Lily and her husband are good people, She had her first child young, I help no-one by judging, but maybe as her friend I can non-judgementally suggest "My aunt used to do this when my cousin was misbehaving"
All-in-all it was a fun weekend, I was SO privledged to be welcomed into such a lovely group of people's circle of friends :)
mood: fine
Later Lily trimmed mine, and another lady's, eyebrows, and most of the people went home. Lily then invited me to a party. It was a get together to celebrate a six year old's birthday. At the party we ate Mole (yes, a SECOND dinner) ice cream, and Birthday cake. At the end of the night we danced to Daddy Yankee in the basement, and then I spent the night at Lily's, and went to a spanish language mass with them in the morning.
I had a lot of fun, but was really ready to go home at the end of last night. It was SO much stimulation to be around a different culture (or should I say cultures) and I was not only worn out from the difference in national origins, but in the difference in class. Over the 2 days I had to look straight-forwardly into my own racist feelings and race-privledge, as well as being faced with the dilemma of how to respond when you (justifiably) disagree with something, without being judgemental, but from genuinely caring.
The racism and race privledge feelings I was confronted with was mostly class-based. At the party I chatted mostly with Lily's mexican brother-in-law. He was funny, smart, ambitious, and was really welcoming to me. But had I seen him on the street I would have plenty of pre-concieved notions about him, just by looking at him. He was short and mexican, wearing a form fitting black shirt and 4-5 chains around his neck. His wife, as well as many of her sisters worked in laundry at a nearby hospital. It made me feel even more embarrased to know that many people have the same pre-concieved notions, but actually think they have validity.
It makes me sick to my stomach to have to deal with the fact that privledge I live with is not universal. I saw at the checkout at K-mart how vigilant the sales-people are, they not only asked Lily a ton of questions when she presented her credit card, they had a person standing at the door checking the reciepts as we exited. I was enraged last month when the man at the airport store assumed I wasn't going to buy the expensive stealth bag because I worked for the regional instead of the mainline, I know I should be happy that I am confronted with that feeling rarely enough that I still let it upset me.
There were plenty of cultural things that struck me as "tacky" but were none of my damn business, but there were a few things that were fair differences in opinion, I had a hard time figuring out how, as a guest to their family, I should respond. With the first topic I responded altogether wrong. Lily and her husband bought their 3 year old toy guns! Not only did they buy them guns they let him pretend to shoot them AT people and at the dog (making him bark like crazy.) At the store I opened my fat mouth and said "your buying him toy guns?" It was none of my business, it wasn't my son, they were very nice about it, and I wished I hadn't said it.
In the car I guess I felt something was my business. There were only 4 seatbelts, so I tried to put the (big) 3 year old in the seatbelt. He wanted to sit in the middle, and whined and squirmed. The whole family seemed to be willing to give him his way (letting him be boss- worse than toy guns in my opinion) and I finally just said to myself "it's not my kid, at least I tried to put him in the seatbelt" and gave him his way- rewarded the 3 year old for whining! I have seen this kind of parenting before, it pisses me off royally, especially since my dad raised me that way and I resent it to this day. What is the cause of it? It's not that they don't love little Alejandro, he is their little sweetheart, they shower him with love and attention. I was going to call it a working class problem, but I realize that this is a problem in all of our social classes. I really think Lily and her husband are good people, She had her first child young, I help no-one by judging, but maybe as her friend I can non-judgementally suggest "My aunt used to do this when my cousin was misbehaving"
All-in-all it was a fun weekend, I was SO privledged to be welcomed into such a lovely group of people's circle of friends :)
mood: fine
Friday, November 11, 2005
Thursday, November 10, 2005
ahhhhh
My annoyed energy relating to Tara has been relieved. I think it has 100% to do with blogging. I had the feeling, and instead of trying to pretend I didn't feel it I wrote about it and examined it. (Ok, 50% blogging, 50% Buddhism) The feeling has dissapated.
I think my feelings were, as I wrote before about my relationship with myself, about my relationships with past roommates, and I realize now I was associating the stress I had this last month with her, when it wasn't her at all, it was what I wanted the house to be like for her, even though she has been really laid back about the house.
I think part of my depression in the last month or so had to do with me not writing. I had lost my outlet and my tool of analyzing and dealing with life's stresses, and I had new stresses to deal with. I am not sure what it was that made me less eager to write, maybe I was unwilling to acknowledge my core feelings since they were so painful and embarrassing (I behaved like a doormat last month, and that enrages me.)
Maybe since I was "out in the real world" I mistakenly assumed I had to choose, "real world" or "inner world." What I should do instead is go into the real world, and regularly return to the inner world to process my "real world" experiences. This is how an introvert operates, they need time alone to get more energy, maybe my mistake has been repeatedly trying to be an extrovert, it works for them, but not for me.
I feel like myself again, I haven't felt like myself for over a month.
mood: happy? calm, like myself
I think my feelings were, as I wrote before about my relationship with myself, about my relationships with past roommates, and I realize now I was associating the stress I had this last month with her, when it wasn't her at all, it was what I wanted the house to be like for her, even though she has been really laid back about the house.
I think part of my depression in the last month or so had to do with me not writing. I had lost my outlet and my tool of analyzing and dealing with life's stresses, and I had new stresses to deal with. I am not sure what it was that made me less eager to write, maybe I was unwilling to acknowledge my core feelings since they were so painful and embarrassing (I behaved like a doormat last month, and that enrages me.)
Maybe since I was "out in the real world" I mistakenly assumed I had to choose, "real world" or "inner world." What I should do instead is go into the real world, and regularly return to the inner world to process my "real world" experiences. This is how an introvert operates, they need time alone to get more energy, maybe my mistake has been repeatedly trying to be an extrovert, it works for them, but not for me.
I feel like myself again, I haven't felt like myself for over a month.
mood: happy? calm, like myself
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
True Love
Tonight I went to a movie with my hairdresser Molly. She called and told me she was going to see "Just like Heaven" (chick flick) and I had already seen it, but since I didn't want to say no when she invited me out and it was the only one in the cheap theater I saw it again.
I saw the movie a month or two ago when I was on top of the world. I was feeling very optimistic at the time, and watching a romantic comedy made me thought "awww" and "I look forward to meeting someone someday" Watching it again with a different mood it was quite different, I thought "awww" and "will I ever meet someone? ever? am I going to be a cat lady?"
I realize now it's not being alone forever that I fear, it's being depressed forever. The awful feeling that I am doomed to be single isn't really accurate, I am comfortable single, it's being depressed that I am uncomfortable with.
Is this why I was feeling hostility towards my new roommate? Because she reminds me of the person I used to be? I swear there was a period in my life when I was happy, wasn't there? There was before my mom died. And I think when I left home for college I was happy, I no longer had my dad weighing me down and I felt like my life was whatever I wanted it to be. Can I get that feeling back, or was that just innocence, which you only get once?
It's not a man I want, if I would have gotten BK I wouldn't know what to do with myself, he would serve as a reminder of my absence of vitality, It's me that I want, healthy, active, fun, happy me. I don't know if I have changed too much, if this depression will be permanent. I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for a short time, I didn't prepare myself that it will take a couple of tries before health is a long term thing.
Okay, okay, I know it's going to be okay. I know that in the end I will be so strong from all of these years of struggling. For a short time I allowed my inner drama queen to take over, but I think I got myself back on track, because I wrote it out.
mood: optimistic actually
I saw the movie a month or two ago when I was on top of the world. I was feeling very optimistic at the time, and watching a romantic comedy made me thought "awww" and "I look forward to meeting someone someday" Watching it again with a different mood it was quite different, I thought "awww" and "will I ever meet someone? ever? am I going to be a cat lady?"
I realize now it's not being alone forever that I fear, it's being depressed forever. The awful feeling that I am doomed to be single isn't really accurate, I am comfortable single, it's being depressed that I am uncomfortable with.
Is this why I was feeling hostility towards my new roommate? Because she reminds me of the person I used to be? I swear there was a period in my life when I was happy, wasn't there? There was before my mom died. And I think when I left home for college I was happy, I no longer had my dad weighing me down and I felt like my life was whatever I wanted it to be. Can I get that feeling back, or was that just innocence, which you only get once?
It's not a man I want, if I would have gotten BK I wouldn't know what to do with myself, he would serve as a reminder of my absence of vitality, It's me that I want, healthy, active, fun, happy me. I don't know if I have changed too much, if this depression will be permanent. I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for a short time, I didn't prepare myself that it will take a couple of tries before health is a long term thing.
Okay, okay, I know it's going to be okay. I know that in the end I will be so strong from all of these years of struggling. For a short time I allowed my inner drama queen to take over, but I think I got myself back on track, because I wrote it out.
mood: optimistic actually
Uh-Oh!
DISCLAIMER: I sometimes think unpleasant and/or unkind thoughts. It is unfair to judge me for having these thoughts because all people have unpleasant and unkind thoughts, it is how people behave in reaction to these thoughts that determines their character. The way I responded to the unpleasant thoughts I was having on the day I wrote this was to honestly admit to how I was feeling and analyzing why I was feeling it. It worked.
ALSO: When reading this notice that I say REMINDS me of myself when I WAS less evolved, I did not call HER less evolved. (Take that you-know-who! MWAH!)
Uh-oh, my new roommate, REALLY on my nerves!
The one who is a clone of me, driving me crazy, not a good sign. She seems to be a clone of me, but of me in my pre-suicidal days. I feel like I am a few years ahead of her, and probably because she reminds me of myself when I was less evolved, it brings out the dislike I had/have for myself.
It's totally unfair to her. She is completely sweet. So why is she irritating me? I need to analyze it so I can fix my reactions and not be unfair to her.
One aspect: This is her first apartment, (She traveled the world after high school) I made a decision to let her do all of the decorating type stuff she wants, I have already had my first apartment, so why should I be a downer for that kind of fun? It's annoying me. She buys lots of name-brand products which to me just seems like handing money to Millionaire C.E.O.s saying "You need this more than I do." But guess what? I buy name brand products sometimes too! It is rediculous and mean for me to judge her for what she spends her money on. We had some clear plates, but she was really gung-ho on getting some fancy plates. I tried to convince her subtly that the dishes we have are great, but she seemed to really want the fancy ones, and I remember wanting that sort of thing when I had my first apartment, so I obliged, and went in on them ($40!) They are very pretty, crackly turquoise, the color of caribbian water on the inside, and dark brown on the outside.
I think I might have tapped into what is bugging me. She symbolizes temptation. I am trying to become less materialistic. I have pretty & functional plates, I don't need new ones, she, by wanting fancy plates is encouraging that attitude that exists in me of wanting more, not just appreciating what I have. She symbolises the person I was, the obstacles I have come so far in overcoming (materialism, brand-attachment) and I fear that she will drag me back in. This is not fair to her, it is my responsibility to stick to my own values, and none of my business to evaluate hers.
Emma and another roommate were very unfair to me. They judged my imperfections, even though I had a good heart. I don't want to do the same thing to Tera.
mood: calmed (was feeling very tense earlier)
ALSO: When reading this notice that I say REMINDS me of myself when I WAS less evolved, I did not call HER less evolved. (Take that you-know-who! MWAH!)
Uh-oh, my new roommate, REALLY on my nerves!
The one who is a clone of me, driving me crazy, not a good sign. She seems to be a clone of me, but of me in my pre-suicidal days. I feel like I am a few years ahead of her, and probably because she reminds me of myself when I was less evolved, it brings out the dislike I had/have for myself.
It's totally unfair to her. She is completely sweet. So why is she irritating me? I need to analyze it so I can fix my reactions and not be unfair to her.
One aspect: This is her first apartment, (She traveled the world after high school) I made a decision to let her do all of the decorating type stuff she wants, I have already had my first apartment, so why should I be a downer for that kind of fun? It's annoying me. She buys lots of name-brand products which to me just seems like handing money to Millionaire C.E.O.s saying "You need this more than I do." But guess what? I buy name brand products sometimes too! It is rediculous and mean for me to judge her for what she spends her money on. We had some clear plates, but she was really gung-ho on getting some fancy plates. I tried to convince her subtly that the dishes we have are great, but she seemed to really want the fancy ones, and I remember wanting that sort of thing when I had my first apartment, so I obliged, and went in on them ($40!) They are very pretty, crackly turquoise, the color of caribbian water on the inside, and dark brown on the outside.
I think I might have tapped into what is bugging me. She symbolizes temptation. I am trying to become less materialistic. I have pretty & functional plates, I don't need new ones, she, by wanting fancy plates is encouraging that attitude that exists in me of wanting more, not just appreciating what I have. She symbolises the person I was, the obstacles I have come so far in overcoming (materialism, brand-attachment) and I fear that she will drag me back in. This is not fair to her, it is my responsibility to stick to my own values, and none of my business to evaluate hers.
Emma and another roommate were very unfair to me. They judged my imperfections, even though I had a good heart. I don't want to do the same thing to Tera.
mood: calmed (was feeling very tense earlier)
Monday, November 07, 2005
Field Trip is over
Well folks, I was brave. I put myself out into the world, out of my comfort zone, and tried dating. I have made the decision to now return to my comfort zone.
The golf date is cancelled. Over the weekend BK and a girl he was seeing became official. I am quite disappointed, but on the other hand very ready to retreat back into my safe little cocoon of a life. I probably need to still heal from the MacDuff incident (I feel quite molested by the experience.) I tell you what though, dating a normal guy might have helped to drill in the point that I dont have to settle for someone who pressures me. But I probably wasn't ready. Him rejecting me because he chose another woman is probably nicer for my ego than him rejecting me because I cant open up.
I am mildly depressed right now. I am hopeful that not having the extra pressure of a new man in my life will allow me to deal with that quicker, but it could have had the opposite effect of giving me a reason to heal.
crap
mood: sortof patheticly sad, I gotta do something about that
The golf date is cancelled. Over the weekend BK and a girl he was seeing became official. I am quite disappointed, but on the other hand very ready to retreat back into my safe little cocoon of a life. I probably need to still heal from the MacDuff incident (I feel quite molested by the experience.) I tell you what though, dating a normal guy might have helped to drill in the point that I dont have to settle for someone who pressures me. But I probably wasn't ready. Him rejecting me because he chose another woman is probably nicer for my ego than him rejecting me because I cant open up.
I am mildly depressed right now. I am hopeful that not having the extra pressure of a new man in my life will allow me to deal with that quicker, but it could have had the opposite effect of giving me a reason to heal.
crap
mood: sortof patheticly sad, I gotta do something about that
Sunday, November 06, 2005
No date for me?
A week or two ago I went on a date with BK. He seemed great. We made plans to play golf today or tomorrow. Interestingly, neither of us called the other in-between the dates, I think that might be meaningful. For me I just loved the idea of the space, the possibility of meeting someone and still being able to continue my life as-is, without having to change anything around, and I liked it because it feels so distinct from the way MacDuff was. But if a man is willing to go two weeks without talking to a woman, I guess he isn't particularly enthusiastic about her.
I called him at noon today and left a message about times, where to meet, etc. It is 8:15 and he still hasn't called back. If he called back tomorrow it would feel somehow degrading to me, like it's okay for me to not make plans in order to wait for him.
My gut instinct tells me he isn't a jerk. My instinct says he is a relatively decent guy, which leaves me thinking that he had met a girl and/or is not interested, and not calling back is his wussy way of telling me.
I don't know how I feel about it right now. I feel a little bit of relief, because it gives me more time to recover from the MacDuff incident, but I also feel disappointed, and I am sorry to say, insecure. I hate that it feeds into my "he's too good for me" thinking (It's not like he is a supermodel or CEO and that I am shooting out of my league) I know that I need to break the pattern of dating obsessed-acting men, but I have a hard time knowing what I do wrong, what I do right and what to look for.
My intuition also tells me that he hasn't gotten home yet today, so he hasn't gotten my message yet, but since we said that it would be today or tomorrow, if he wanted me he would have called already.
I have a bit of a lump in my throat, I hate the feeling of rejection, or worse, being treated with less respect than I deserve. I know that sometimes a person just wants something different, not better, but still it's hard to shake the "not good enough" feeling.
mood: disappointed, sad, hurt, angry
I called him at noon today and left a message about times, where to meet, etc. It is 8:15 and he still hasn't called back. If he called back tomorrow it would feel somehow degrading to me, like it's okay for me to not make plans in order to wait for him.
My gut instinct tells me he isn't a jerk. My instinct says he is a relatively decent guy, which leaves me thinking that he had met a girl and/or is not interested, and not calling back is his wussy way of telling me.
I don't know how I feel about it right now. I feel a little bit of relief, because it gives me more time to recover from the MacDuff incident, but I also feel disappointed, and I am sorry to say, insecure. I hate that it feeds into my "he's too good for me" thinking (It's not like he is a supermodel or CEO and that I am shooting out of my league) I know that I need to break the pattern of dating obsessed-acting men, but I have a hard time knowing what I do wrong, what I do right and what to look for.
My intuition also tells me that he hasn't gotten home yet today, so he hasn't gotten my message yet, but since we said that it would be today or tomorrow, if he wanted me he would have called already.
I have a bit of a lump in my throat, I hate the feeling of rejection, or worse, being treated with less respect than I deserve. I know that sometimes a person just wants something different, not better, but still it's hard to shake the "not good enough" feeling.
mood: disappointed, sad, hurt, angry
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
I am a guinea PIG
Yesterday I ate a bag of cookies and a candy bar that were provided free in the hotel. I didn't feel "guilty" but I did feel like if I was going to have a treat, the quantity and timing were not appropriate, and that I would need to figure a way to keep myself from eating that way.
I decided to try an experiment, a very FUN experiment, I decided that today I would eat everything I wanted, the way I do when I am severely depressed (I have a hard time telling myself "no" to the tiny amount of pleasure offered to me at those times) It was a very enjoyable experiment and BOY OH BOY did I learn!
This morning we stayed at a Hampton inn, which always has a huge breakfast available. I chose the tempting treats, but didn't eat that much (quantity wise) at all! I had a small waffle (about the size of a deck of cards) a small chocolate chip muffin, and a sausage patty. I also drank milk with it, skim milk. Get this...984 calories! The foods were small, but very calorie dense, and the milk may have been skim, but the 3 cups of it really added up!
On to lunch. I decided to eat a "snacky-grazy" kind of lunch that is easy to eat on the road. A banana here, a cup of yogurt there, fat-free fruit snacks here, and a cup of ramen (it's only soup, how bad could it be?) This not-decadant snacky lunch?...960 calories!
Then there was dinner, the kind of sinful dinner you might have with friends...Dairy Queen. I had a Burger, fries and a Blizzard (of course) the fries and blizzard were small, I mean, I am no glutton. Yeah, dinner was 1534 calories. Enough for an entire day. AN ENTIRE DAY!
Adding these calories up, I ate enough calories to gain half a pound. You heard me. In one day, when I am depressed, I could eat enough food to gain half a pound! I knew depression was a fatal disease, but I didn't know it could kill you in so many ways!
What a fun and meaningful experiment. I do not regret that today I ate enough calories to cancel a week of eating well, I think the experience may have taught me something that will save me in the future. When I am depressed I abuse food, I ABUSE it, like a drug. Abusing food is not benign, it is very serious. The weight gain is not only enough to kill me with heart disease, it is something that contributes to my low-energy and therefore makes my depression worse.
This experiment, and signing up for ishape (I swear they aren't paying me for mentioning it so much!) has taught me that my weight is under my control, I CONTROL IT! That is SOOOO empowering. I can easily live on 1600 calories a day, easily. And I could easily die from eating like I used to. Thank god I am learning it now.
mood: empowered (and full!)
Breakfast: 984 Calories: 60.0 % carbs, 19.9 % protein, 20.0 % fat
1.0 ea NutriGrain Cereal Bars-Mixed Berry KLC
1.0 ea Sausage Patty
0.75 ea Frozen Waffle
2.0 tbsp Maple Pancake Syrup
1.0 ea Chocolate Chip Muffin
36.0 fl oz Skim Milk
Lunch: 960 Calories: 76.7 % carbs, 8.0 % protein, 15.1 % fat
1.0 ea Banana
0.5 cup Canned Apricots in Heavy Syrup
1.0 package yogurt cup
1.0 package yogurt cup
1.0 package fruit snacks
1.0 package Ramen Cup
Dinner: 1534 Calories: 44.3 % carbs, 13.3 % protein, 42.3 % fat
1.0 ea IceCreamBlizzard-ChocChipCookieDo-Sml DQ
1.0 ea Homestyle Deluxe Double Cheeseburger DQI
113.0 gm Sm DQ fries
I decided to try an experiment, a very FUN experiment, I decided that today I would eat everything I wanted, the way I do when I am severely depressed (I have a hard time telling myself "no" to the tiny amount of pleasure offered to me at those times) It was a very enjoyable experiment and BOY OH BOY did I learn!
This morning we stayed at a Hampton inn, which always has a huge breakfast available. I chose the tempting treats, but didn't eat that much (quantity wise) at all! I had a small waffle (about the size of a deck of cards) a small chocolate chip muffin, and a sausage patty. I also drank milk with it, skim milk. Get this...984 calories! The foods were small, but very calorie dense, and the milk may have been skim, but the 3 cups of it really added up!
On to lunch. I decided to eat a "snacky-grazy" kind of lunch that is easy to eat on the road. A banana here, a cup of yogurt there, fat-free fruit snacks here, and a cup of ramen (it's only soup, how bad could it be?) This not-decadant snacky lunch?...960 calories!
Then there was dinner, the kind of sinful dinner you might have with friends...Dairy Queen. I had a Burger, fries and a Blizzard (of course) the fries and blizzard were small, I mean, I am no glutton. Yeah, dinner was 1534 calories. Enough for an entire day. AN ENTIRE DAY!
Adding these calories up, I ate enough calories to gain half a pound. You heard me. In one day, when I am depressed, I could eat enough food to gain half a pound! I knew depression was a fatal disease, but I didn't know it could kill you in so many ways!
What a fun and meaningful experiment. I do not regret that today I ate enough calories to cancel a week of eating well, I think the experience may have taught me something that will save me in the future. When I am depressed I abuse food, I ABUSE it, like a drug. Abusing food is not benign, it is very serious. The weight gain is not only enough to kill me with heart disease, it is something that contributes to my low-energy and therefore makes my depression worse.
This experiment, and signing up for ishape (I swear they aren't paying me for mentioning it so much!) has taught me that my weight is under my control, I CONTROL IT! That is SOOOO empowering. I can easily live on 1600 calories a day, easily. And I could easily die from eating like I used to. Thank god I am learning it now.
mood: empowered (and full!)
Breakfast: 984 Calories: 60.0 % carbs, 19.9 % protein, 20.0 % fat
1.0 ea NutriGrain Cereal Bars-Mixed Berry KLC
1.0 ea Sausage Patty
0.75 ea Frozen Waffle
2.0 tbsp Maple Pancake Syrup
1.0 ea Chocolate Chip Muffin
36.0 fl oz Skim Milk
Lunch: 960 Calories: 76.7 % carbs, 8.0 % protein, 15.1 % fat
1.0 ea Banana
0.5 cup Canned Apricots in Heavy Syrup
1.0 package yogurt cup
1.0 package yogurt cup
1.0 package fruit snacks
1.0 package Ramen Cup
Dinner: 1534 Calories: 44.3 % carbs, 13.3 % protein, 42.3 % fat
1.0 ea IceCreamBlizzard-ChocChipCookieDo-Sml DQ
1.0 ea Homestyle Deluxe Double Cheeseburger DQI
113.0 gm Sm DQ fries
Monday, October 31, 2005
I'll bet it will make me look like Catherine Zeta Jones
Do you know why Catherine Zeta Jones is hotter than the rest of the actresses? Because she is a size 6. Size 6 used to be the ideal. Size six is what I used to feel horrible about myself because I couldn't achieve. Size six is FUCKING SEXY! It is so unreal and stupid that size 4, or 2 or even zero (zero is not a size!) is the hollywood ideal.
Come on! Size 6 is hard enough to achieve, it is adequate to make us feel horrible about ourselves so we have to buy your products so we can have something in common with that beautiful, unachieveable woman in the picture. When I look at a size 2 actress/model sure I feel bad about myself, but I feel bad for her too, so all I feel is bad. When I look at Catherine Zeta Jones' georgeous figure I only feel bad about myself, but she is SO lovely to look at, so at least I feel half positive.
Well I feel certian that iShape is not going to make me look like Catherine Zeta Jones, but I think it is going to help me lose weight. I have been recording my eating on the program and it has tought me some interesting things. For one it validated something I was thinking, that I can't watch my eating without recording and measuring it, because then I don't eat enough. If I was left to my own devices I would be eating 300-500 too few calories, and a few days later it catches up on me and I am ravenous. So poor me, I had to have a snack tonight ;)
I also learned I am eating more protien than I need :) All this time I was worried I didn't eat enough meat and it turns out I only need a few bites of it (or a substitute protien :)
It's also really fun to log in workouts, it feels like a reward. It's cool to see how many calories are coming in vs. going out :) And it's fun to include cleaning & stuff as workouts.
I am sure that this is not a very exciting post to read, but it is an exciting post to write. I feel like I have a chance. I feel like my weight is my choice! It is my choice within reason of course, but I don't want to be skinny anyway. Wait, yes I do... skinny like Catherine Zeta Jones :)
mood: good
Come on! Size 6 is hard enough to achieve, it is adequate to make us feel horrible about ourselves so we have to buy your products so we can have something in common with that beautiful, unachieveable woman in the picture. When I look at a size 2 actress/model sure I feel bad about myself, but I feel bad for her too, so all I feel is bad. When I look at Catherine Zeta Jones' georgeous figure I only feel bad about myself, but she is SO lovely to look at, so at least I feel half positive.
Well I feel certian that iShape is not going to make me look like Catherine Zeta Jones, but I think it is going to help me lose weight. I have been recording my eating on the program and it has tought me some interesting things. For one it validated something I was thinking, that I can't watch my eating without recording and measuring it, because then I don't eat enough. If I was left to my own devices I would be eating 300-500 too few calories, and a few days later it catches up on me and I am ravenous. So poor me, I had to have a snack tonight ;)
I also learned I am eating more protien than I need :) All this time I was worried I didn't eat enough meat and it turns out I only need a few bites of it (or a substitute protien :)
It's also really fun to log in workouts, it feels like a reward. It's cool to see how many calories are coming in vs. going out :) And it's fun to include cleaning & stuff as workouts.
I am sure that this is not a very exciting post to read, but it is an exciting post to write. I feel like I have a chance. I feel like my weight is my choice! It is my choice within reason of course, but I don't want to be skinny anyway. Wait, yes I do... skinny like Catherine Zeta Jones :)
mood: good
Friday, October 28, 2005
Some T's crossed and I's dotted
Whew! I have had quite the emotional week. I have fortunately used my anxious energy and channeled it into getting the things done (associating doing=anxiety relief instead of my bad unhealthy pattern of associating doing=anxiety)
My aunt called me back with the sweetest message saying how proud she is of me. I think she really understood what I was trying to tell her (that I am improving.) Her kind reassuring voice was so soothing. I know I am very lucky to have her, some people with both parents don't have someone like that.
I also got to talk to Carrie and she is upset that I can't make the groom's dinner but she forgives me. I still just want to die because of it, but maybe I can try to get someone to pick the day up so I can go there. At least she doesn't hate me.
I got the house reasonably picked up. I would like it cleaner but at least my concience is clear. All I have to do now is figure out how to have both roommate's rent in the bank before the check clears, and get rid of some couches. I feel much better, and quite proud of how much I have done, but I still feel really hurt that I can't be at my aunt's party.
Hopefully when the wedding is over I will feel calmer :)
MMMM and I ate a gonoche (I think) today. Thats like a cupcake with crap inside of it because a cupcake is not decadant enough as it is ;)
mood: very sad :( (but not depressed)
My aunt called me back with the sweetest message saying how proud she is of me. I think she really understood what I was trying to tell her (that I am improving.) Her kind reassuring voice was so soothing. I know I am very lucky to have her, some people with both parents don't have someone like that.
I also got to talk to Carrie and she is upset that I can't make the groom's dinner but she forgives me. I still just want to die because of it, but maybe I can try to get someone to pick the day up so I can go there. At least she doesn't hate me.
I got the house reasonably picked up. I would like it cleaner but at least my concience is clear. All I have to do now is figure out how to have both roommate's rent in the bank before the check clears, and get rid of some couches. I feel much better, and quite proud of how much I have done, but I still feel really hurt that I can't be at my aunt's party.
Hopefully when the wedding is over I will feel calmer :)
MMMM and I ate a gonoche (I think) today. Thats like a cupcake with crap inside of it because a cupcake is not decadant enough as it is ;)
mood: very sad :( (but not depressed)
I have failed, and it hurts
I am unable to go to my Mother-figure aunt's 50th birthday surprise party. It's because I work, and if I had known about it sooner I could have bid for it off, but if I am imperfect, I certainly can't expect others to be. I was at least going to go visit today (I thought the party was today) but I didn't get done in time to catch the bus and I think it's too late to catch a cab (if it was guarunteed that I could get on the plane I would have.) I have failed, and it's the person who has been there for me more than anyone in the world.
She was the one who came to the hospital to be with me when I was suicidal. My dad didn't even know. She has been a mom to me. She is my mom basically. I am crying like a baby right now.
The worst of this is my work schedule. Our mother company declared bankruptsy and right now everything is up in the air. Usually I get my first choice, and so, this month only, because I was in a rush, I only bid ------------Oh my god I am so upset I need comforting so much------------and the only person who could do it is a mommy type- my aunt!
I feel like such a failure and a bad friend. I can't go to the groom's dinner (rehersal) I havent done my last two tours. I havent been able to help my friend who is in fort lauderdale, with no electricity, as much as I wanted to. I have also let down my old and new roommates, by not having the house extra clean. I feel like no one can comfort me right now because I have let everyone down.
Now I have to put my therapy to work, or else I have been wasting my money. It feels very selfish to even imagine a bright side right now. I guess I have to be proud of what I have juggled. And I have to be sure I don't escalate things to be even bigger than they already are. I am going to stop writing for a few minutes and see if getting a few more things done makes me feel any better.
Yuck.
She was the one who came to the hospital to be with me when I was suicidal. My dad didn't even know. She has been a mom to me. She is my mom basically. I am crying like a baby right now.
The worst of this is my work schedule. Our mother company declared bankruptsy and right now everything is up in the air. Usually I get my first choice, and so, this month only, because I was in a rush, I only bid ------------Oh my god I am so upset I need comforting so much------------and the only person who could do it is a mommy type- my aunt!
I feel like such a failure and a bad friend. I can't go to the groom's dinner (rehersal) I havent done my last two tours. I havent been able to help my friend who is in fort lauderdale, with no electricity, as much as I wanted to. I have also let down my old and new roommates, by not having the house extra clean. I feel like no one can comfort me right now because I have let everyone down.
Now I have to put my therapy to work, or else I have been wasting my money. It feels very selfish to even imagine a bright side right now. I guess I have to be proud of what I have juggled. And I have to be sure I don't escalate things to be even bigger than they already are. I am going to stop writing for a few minutes and see if getting a few more things done makes me feel any better.
Yuck.
Depressed
I feel depressed today, and I haven't felt actual depression in quite awhile, only sadness or anger, but not actual depression.
I have done a very good job of juggling quite a few things, but I am running completely out of energy. I have some things I need to get accomplished today (need, not want to) and I am just too worn out. To add to the suckyness I have a therapy appointment that I cancelled for a party for my Mother-figure aunt, and I still could go, but I have alot of housework for company and packing that I have to complete first. I could do it all, but my body is in depressed mode, so my energy and enthusiasm is low.
I am not certain that it is completely depression. I have been working out quite a bit (for me) eating less (giving up a coping mechanism of mine) and it is very possible my body is literally tired. I also begin my period soon, so I assume some PMS is involved. I imagine I should feel quite proud that I have done so well in these circumstances :)
I am feeling better already since I have started writing. I miss blogging and I miss my "IM style banter" routine with one of my readers. (I have gotten enough kind reactions from the people I really respect saying that that doesnt bother them- its not meant as a slight and yes I could keep it on topic by moving it to email, but thats, hard) I think that in the last month I have taken a leap into the world, which is healthy, but maybe I should have been writing more as a way to center myself. I am not shaming myself, I have made an effort, I am just reminding myself how much writing has helped me grow (not to mention the AMAZING people I have met!) so why stop?
The worst of all of this is Jessie is leaving. Oh my god we had so much fun! We were like schoolgirls talking about the boys we love "MMMMM Tim (Martin Freeman) MMMMM Jason Bateman MMMMM Extra-eyebrow-arch-man (Shah Rukh Khan) They're so DREAMY!" I am going to miss her like crazy, and I have no time or energy to treat her like gold like I want to before she leaves :(
I will survive all of this, and I will do my best not to slip into a full-on depression (cross your fingers for me) I am very tired.
On the upside, the boy, BK...amazing. I dont know where to start. We have a date next week for golfing (I cant wait) he is very smart, seems very healthy, and is not pushy at all! I was terribly nervous the whole time, I said one really stupid thing but corrected it, and he said I was very beautiful :) <---blushing
mood: don't ask! (its better since I wrote)
I have done a very good job of juggling quite a few things, but I am running completely out of energy. I have some things I need to get accomplished today (need, not want to) and I am just too worn out. To add to the suckyness I have a therapy appointment that I cancelled for a party for my Mother-figure aunt, and I still could go, but I have alot of housework for company and packing that I have to complete first. I could do it all, but my body is in depressed mode, so my energy and enthusiasm is low.
I am not certain that it is completely depression. I have been working out quite a bit (for me) eating less (giving up a coping mechanism of mine) and it is very possible my body is literally tired. I also begin my period soon, so I assume some PMS is involved. I imagine I should feel quite proud that I have done so well in these circumstances :)
I am feeling better already since I have started writing. I miss blogging and I miss my "IM style banter" routine with one of my readers. (I have gotten enough kind reactions from the people I really respect saying that that doesnt bother them- its not meant as a slight and yes I could keep it on topic by moving it to email, but thats, hard) I think that in the last month I have taken a leap into the world, which is healthy, but maybe I should have been writing more as a way to center myself. I am not shaming myself, I have made an effort, I am just reminding myself how much writing has helped me grow (not to mention the AMAZING people I have met!) so why stop?
The worst of all of this is Jessie is leaving. Oh my god we had so much fun! We were like schoolgirls talking about the boys we love "MMMMM Tim (Martin Freeman) MMMMM Jason Bateman MMMMM Extra-eyebrow-arch-man (Shah Rukh Khan) They're so DREAMY!" I am going to miss her like crazy, and I have no time or energy to treat her like gold like I want to before she leaves :(
I will survive all of this, and I will do my best not to slip into a full-on depression (cross your fingers for me) I am very tired.
On the upside, the boy, BK...amazing. I dont know where to start. We have a date next week for golfing (I cant wait) he is very smart, seems very healthy, and is not pushy at all! I was terribly nervous the whole time, I said one really stupid thing but corrected it, and he said I was very beautiful :) <---blushing
mood: don't ask! (its better since I wrote)
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Paralyzed with anxiety
I have a coffee date at 2:00 with BK and I am sick with anxiety. I know that excercise will get rid of it but I feel too paralyzed to start!
Blechy!
mood: calm, like the Buddah. NOT!
UPDATE: a 20 minute excercise video helped alot :)
Blechy!
mood: calm, like the Buddah. NOT!
UPDATE: a 20 minute excercise video helped alot :)
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Compassion Fatigue
I don't like the way I feel right now. I feel quite overwhelmed, and am not able to keep perspective. Coming up I have:
A wedding that I am part of the bridal party
A new roommate that I have to clean for and get rid of furniture for
A surprise party out of town
A tour at the beginning of the month and a new work schedule making me have to reschedule both the tours and my therapy
A room I want to make tidy and sex-ready just in case November is a good month for me ;)
Merchindise to ship for my friend
I am not able to see how lucky I am right now. My friend is in Fort Lauderdale with no power, an ailing dad and a destroyed rental car that she didn't insure, and my feelings are selfish, not wanting to help her with her business (something that would equal money in her pocket) and the people in Pakistan are at severe risk, and arent getting the aid they need! But I don't have it in me to care right now. Maybe I need to meditate. (I will, after I am done with everything on the above list)
mood: frantic
A wedding that I am part of the bridal party
A new roommate that I have to clean for and get rid of furniture for
A surprise party out of town
A tour at the beginning of the month and a new work schedule making me have to reschedule both the tours and my therapy
A room I want to make tidy and sex-ready just in case November is a good month for me ;)
Merchindise to ship for my friend
I am not able to see how lucky I am right now. My friend is in Fort Lauderdale with no power, an ailing dad and a destroyed rental car that she didn't insure, and my feelings are selfish, not wanting to help her with her business (something that would equal money in her pocket) and the people in Pakistan are at severe risk, and arent getting the aid they need! But I don't have it in me to care right now. Maybe I need to meditate. (I will, after I am done with everything on the above list)
mood: frantic
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Pond Scum is Hot
I came to the conclusion that I can no longer date people that feel "on my level." The reason is is because I have low self-esteem, so if I am dating someone "on my level" I am going to end up with the biggest losers on the planet.
I remember I had noticed this when I was on the dating site, MacDuff seemed "at my level" but BK seemed like the kind of guy I would want to end up with. Well I am hella healthier than MacDuff, no question (he revealed that to me very quickly) so that validates my hypothesis that I need to pick the one that I would want to end up with, even though I feel like they are too good for me. Perhaps "too good for me" is at my actual level :)
I have a coffee date with BK thursday. My challenge now is to convince myself that I am good enough for him, behave as if I am, and hope that we like each other (and if we don't, not see it as a failure on my part.) He seems very respectful of boundaries, we spoke for an hour or so tonight and it remained on a small-talk get to know you level. This will be good for me.
mood: ready for bed
I remember I had noticed this when I was on the dating site, MacDuff seemed "at my level" but BK seemed like the kind of guy I would want to end up with. Well I am hella healthier than MacDuff, no question (he revealed that to me very quickly) so that validates my hypothesis that I need to pick the one that I would want to end up with, even though I feel like they are too good for me. Perhaps "too good for me" is at my actual level :)
I have a coffee date with BK thursday. My challenge now is to convince myself that I am good enough for him, behave as if I am, and hope that we like each other (and if we don't, not see it as a failure on my part.) He seems very respectful of boundaries, we spoke for an hour or so tonight and it remained on a small-talk get to know you level. This will be good for me.
mood: ready for bed
Struck
A thought just struck me today. I have lost weight plenty of times, but always from external forces, from joining danceline, from changing jobs, from hiring a trainer to force me to excercise, but I have never lost weight in a way that I could feel really proud about it, that I had beat it.
Maybe this is my chance. If I lose weight, on my own, I will feel really accomplished. I will have a success to look at that I have control of my own life. I think I can look at as a challenge. I think I can believe in myself. Maybe I can do this.
mood: good
Maybe this is my chance. If I lose weight, on my own, I will feel really accomplished. I will have a success to look at that I have control of my own life. I think I can look at as a challenge. I think I can believe in myself. Maybe I can do this.
mood: good
A happy moment
Today I signed into "iShape" an online diet and exercise site by shape magazine. The site came up with workouts for me and I went to the gym and did it, it was printed out for me, very easily with pictures, the workout was easier than it would have been if I had designed it for myself (I have the tendancy to try to workout at in-shape levels) and I feel worked out rigth now but not exausted.
It felt nice to get back in the gym. Gyms always felt like an escape to me, a place where I can go and feel happy. I looked like a novice there, my chubby self carrying my bag around instead of putting it in the locker room, but I can deal with that. Maybe next time I will try to fit in a bit more :)
Lately my dreams nearly every night remind me of how it felt to be hot (not just pretty, hot) it felt good, and I know now that I can handle it (or at least I can handle being conventionally beautiful again). I can handle the attention, I can handle the increased sexual opportunities, and I can handle the men who tell them selves and me that they love me, when all they love is a fantasy image.
If I want to get control of my depression I will have to learn how to cope with uncomfortable feelings instead of eating, and I will be able to manage my life better if I don't have the extra weight sapping my energy.
Wish me luck.
mood: pretty good
It felt nice to get back in the gym. Gyms always felt like an escape to me, a place where I can go and feel happy. I looked like a novice there, my chubby self carrying my bag around instead of putting it in the locker room, but I can deal with that. Maybe next time I will try to fit in a bit more :)
Lately my dreams nearly every night remind me of how it felt to be hot (not just pretty, hot) it felt good, and I know now that I can handle it (or at least I can handle being conventionally beautiful again). I can handle the attention, I can handle the increased sexual opportunities, and I can handle the men who tell them selves and me that they love me, when all they love is a fantasy image.
If I want to get control of my depression I will have to learn how to cope with uncomfortable feelings instead of eating, and I will be able to manage my life better if I don't have the extra weight sapping my energy.
Wish me luck.
mood: pretty good
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