Sunday, November 06, 2005

No date for me?

A week or two ago I went on a date with BK. He seemed great. We made plans to play golf today or tomorrow. Interestingly, neither of us called the other in-between the dates, I think that might be meaningful. For me I just loved the idea of the space, the possibility of meeting someone and still being able to continue my life as-is, without having to change anything around, and I liked it because it feels so distinct from the way MacDuff was. But if a man is willing to go two weeks without talking to a woman, I guess he isn't particularly enthusiastic about her.

I called him at noon today and left a message about times, where to meet, etc. It is 8:15 and he still hasn't called back. If he called back tomorrow it would feel somehow degrading to me, like it's okay for me to not make plans in order to wait for him.

My gut instinct tells me he isn't a jerk. My instinct says he is a relatively decent guy, which leaves me thinking that he had met a girl and/or is not interested, and not calling back is his wussy way of telling me.

I don't know how I feel about it right now. I feel a little bit of relief, because it gives me more time to recover from the MacDuff incident, but I also feel disappointed, and I am sorry to say, insecure. I hate that it feeds into my "he's too good for me" thinking (It's not like he is a supermodel or CEO and that I am shooting out of my league) I know that I need to break the pattern of dating obsessed-acting men, but I have a hard time knowing what I do wrong, what I do right and what to look for.

My intuition also tells me that he hasn't gotten home yet today, so he hasn't gotten my message yet, but since we said that it would be today or tomorrow, if he wanted me he would have called already.

I have a bit of a lump in my throat, I hate the feeling of rejection, or worse, being treated with less respect than I deserve. I know that sometimes a person just wants something different, not better, but still it's hard to shake the "not good enough" feeling.

mood: disappointed, sad, hurt, angry


Satan said...

I just added to this didn't I!

Diana Crabtree said...

No, no, he added to it. I came to my senses about you months ago ;)

Satan said...

But I thought we were engaged!

See, that's the type of comment, yes/no?