Tonight I went to a movie with my hairdresser Molly. She called and told me she was going to see "Just like Heaven" (chick flick) and I had already seen it, but since I didn't want to say no when she invited me out and it was the only one in the cheap theater I saw it again.
I saw the movie a month or two ago when I was on top of the world. I was feeling very optimistic at the time, and watching a romantic comedy made me thought "awww" and "I look forward to meeting someone someday" Watching it again with a different mood it was quite different, I thought "awww" and "will I ever meet someone? ever? am I going to be a cat lady?"
I realize now it's not being alone forever that I fear, it's being depressed forever. The awful feeling that I am doomed to be single isn't really accurate, I am comfortable single, it's being depressed that I am uncomfortable with.
Is this why I was feeling hostility towards my new roommate? Because she reminds me of the person I used to be? I swear there was a period in my life when I was happy, wasn't there? There was before my mom died. And I think when I left home for college I was happy, I no longer had my dad weighing me down and I felt like my life was whatever I wanted it to be. Can I get that feeling back, or was that just innocence, which you only get once?
It's not a man I want, if I would have gotten BK I wouldn't know what to do with myself, he would serve as a reminder of my absence of vitality, It's me that I want, healthy, active, fun, happy me. I don't know if I have changed too much, if this depression will be permanent. I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for a short time, I didn't prepare myself that it will take a couple of tries before health is a long term thing.
Okay, okay, I know it's going to be okay. I know that in the end I will be so strong from all of these years of struggling. For a short time I allowed my inner drama queen to take over, but I think I got myself back on track, because I wrote it out.
mood: optimistic actually