Sunday, April 06, 2008

...or maybe not

Perhaps this is not all about Charles, but Charles is the relationship I can manage to cope with. Barely, by the way. I have a picture of mike opened on my screen right now, and my brain keeps pushing away the way I felt. It's too raw. The worst part, is admitting that he doesn't feel the same way. It is such a violent blow. It's like I am the stupidest person on the planet. I feel that way a lot.

I think I have a very romantic mind. I just want to fall. Fall in love. If I am going to develop love over time I don't want to plan it that way. I wonder if I am unrealistic. Why did I fall for Mike so hard, so fast? He just matched what I wanted. I wanted a smart boy. A responsible boy. A boy I had chemistry with. A caring boy. Which right now I don't feel like he is, but he is, I am sure, feeling sad about hurting me. That's not of course what I want. I want him pining over me, but you cant want things into existance. I play the fool, once again.

You know who else comes in my mind everytime I break up with someone? New York Name Dropper guy. He was a first for me too. He was older than me (much older I learned later) and talking to him was one of (or maybe the first) time I connected with a man. I still pine for him now and then, but I know he lied to me, and was probably married. Also, (as his name implies) he was insecure, and hid behind the people he knows & works with. I remember being very impressed when I was suicidally depressed, and less impressed when my health returned. I believe he was also less impressed, with the less star-struck Diana, especially when he dropped names of people he worked before a weekend he was supposed to see me, but didn't. The message was clear "I was with important people" which of course, proved that the alternative, me, was not important.

3 guys who didn't treat me as important, just like my dad did, my only parent. I don't know if I enter patterns where men dont treat me as important, but I know I cant stand it when they don't.

Mo treated me well. Even though it was long distance. I guess I got sick of being on the phone.

wooh, that cry felt great!

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