Saturday, April 05, 2008

Brilliant observation on my part

My life has a hole in it. A man could fill that hole, Mike did, but that will only satisfy me for a year or so, and then I will be right back to where I am, feeling this dissatisfaction.

Instead I need to fill that hole with creativity and accomplishment. That is all that will satisfy me. If I find a partner, great. But that is not what is missing from my life.

I have recently been struck by the fact that I meet so many amazing, interesting people, but I am not particularly interesting. I love praising & admiring others, but when I do I often feel a jealosy, not from the attention, but from the sense of accomplishment they get to feel.

Mike broke my heart, so now I am feeling "that ache." That ache has brought out amazing things in me. Maybe something new is about to come out.


I am broken. He broke me, and I have to put myself back together. Just like in Buddhism, the only way to enlightenment is through suffering, I am dismantled, which is a gift to allow me to put myself back together in the way I want.

And I feel very protective of myself right now. I am tired of giving my energy away. I am actually pleased Mike put up a new ad, the night we broke up. It proves he is foolish. There aren't a million mes floating around. He will figure that out soon enough. It is, however possible, that he doesn't want a me. I might be more than he can take. That's ok. I am glad to know now, not later

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