The hor-nayest girl in the world

Ok, so my heart has been broken, so I don't want a boyfriend, and my new goal in life is to only have sex if it is with a boyfriend, or soon to be boyfriend. So what is a hor-nay girl to do?

I am proud of myself from this weekend. There is a musician in Toronto who I have the hots over the internet for, and he has the hots over the internet for me. But, like every musician, he appears to be quite slutty, or at least he seems to think the world revolves around him. He has been quite rude over IM, hanging up abruptly, making me think he is responding to something I wrote, and he has my phone number, has never called, and hasn't given me his (not that I asked for it either)

Well we were supposed to meet on one of my overnights this weekend, and I didn't feel confident that he wasn't thinking something would happen. So I intentionally did not shave my legs (which I have done before to try to stop something from happening) I told him online about it in the afternoon, and his response was "ewww! Gross!" and I am not sure why it pissed me off. I too, think it's gross (sorry hippies ;) ) I think it looks very manly, but that was the point, It could keep sex from happening. I guess it made me mad because a guy who cares about you would be cautious about how you would feel. They might say "eww" but it shouldn't matter because when you sit and have a conversation with me, my pants are on. Also, I have hairly legs, its because I am lazy/have not had/will not have sex for awhile. I am not a freak because of it. The hair grows there. He's probably the kind of guy who would be grossed out by pubic hair. Stoopit. (oh, and side note- the not shaving trick rarely works. They usually want me anyway)

So I was really proud of myself. I was still willing to see him, but I took the phone off the hook at midnight. I know these types of guys. He would finally call at 2AM. I remember staying up late for Detroit guy, just to have him act like a ghetto asshole when I was starving to death and dead tired waiting for him so I could give HIM a present. Ideeot. I also took the windows IM program all the way off my computer. I have no desire to speak to him anymore. If he comes to my city on tour, great, if not, who cares. The only thing I got from our friendship was inspiration to make music (and to ask Mike for more attention) besides that, the only thing Toronto musician dude has to offer me is annoyance.

So good for me. I am hornay as a MF, but turned down some cheap and easy sex, (I was on my period which helped, I doubt he would be respectful about it) I have two other potential victims in my sights. One is Sadiq, He is back in my life, sortof, but he was bad in bed. He came in like 30 seconds, which was fine the first time, but the second time it just seemed selfish. He also woke me up in the middle of the night for sex when I asked him specifically to wait for 5AM. That was so selfish and rude. I am still pissed about that. Victim #2 I dont think I could resist if he came on to me. We went on a date from an online dating service back in the day, and we hung out the other day and he was cool. We are going to see Eddie Izzard next month, and we will be in close quarters because we are both going in female drag, and I am doing his makeup, which means being close up, and lots of touching. I just think I am too weak to turn down some safe dick right now. I am having dreams about it for some reason.

Poor me. My life is really difficult.

(wow! It has been 4 months since I have had sex! Good girl!)

The pain keeps coming back!!!

It's an ache. A lonliness. It goes away for a bit, but then it returns when I forget to pretend it's not there.

I am thinking to myself "thank god it's over- because he wrote 'dating should be fun-but not that kind of fun' " When the truth is I am not happy it's over. I am hurt. HURT HURT HURT.

And again, the pattern continues. The woman punished for liking sex.

What I know I need to do is mourn this somehow. I am thinking I need to do something creative. I have a big, awesome keyboard, so I need to pull it out and let it out. Pain brings out great creativity. And great pain creates moving art.

And this pain is the pain of Mike, compounded with the pain of Charles, compounded with the pain of my dad. All three acted like I didn't matter. Didn't pay me the small amount of attention I needed. And I don's require much.

I am so grateful for hot pilot's call last night. And for Myspace (I have gotten lots of attention from there- I like it :) )

(oh, speaking of myspace, I see Mike looked at it tonight. So he hasn't forgotten me altogether at least. No, don't worry. I'm not holding on to hope. I just like knowing I cant be forgotten in 2 days)

I look SOOO good naked!

Those were the magic words I needed to hear, and he said them, without prompting. (BTW, he said I look good naked, he wasnt talking about himself)

I went to Mike's at around 6:30, and he made a yummy Indian-y dish, then we ate some Chinese candy and watched a cute Korean movie. When we put the movie in, his hands went right to the boobs, and stayed there most of the night, and the next day.

It was a sexy, but mysterious night. His pants stayed on the whole time, and I was down to my undies only. He hardly let me touch the little guy, when he did let me I can say it was a good enough size, not huge, but not tiny. I was worried it might be, which I could live with, but prefer it isnt. It was thick though :)

So my guess is he is shy. This is what he told me, and I can understand, I don't like recieving oral sex, and I am sure it partially comes from shyness too. I am willing to wait to let him relax. I appreciate getting my own time to relax too. And who can complain about having a man rub and caress her for hours with little reciprocation expected.

I am a little concerned because he said "this is better than sex." I guess a guy thinking foreplay is better than sex is a nce change from the tons of men who on't even know what foreplay is, but I just hope I will get some eventually. The difference between this and Charles is I didn't even like kissing Charles that much. I loved kissing Mike and laying skin to skin with him. And he doesnt snore like a motorboat. And he is American.

A funny thing is, I dreamt that I was dating Marilyn Manson, but then he tried to give me some drugs and I said "No. I don't do drugs, the only drugs I do are the psychotropic ones. I guess that means we have different lifestyles" and it was a sad breakup. Ha ha!

I had a good night and morning. :) I like him, and he also said "I like you" (without prompting) AND he said he likes my voice, AND, 0f course, that I "look great naked" which is the greatest thing I could hear, ever. Ladies...are you a little overweight? Find yourself a "boob man" and I dont mean this: