Sunday, April 06, 2008

I just made the decision that I should sketch Mike's picture. To spend time observing his face closely. Its ritualistic, thats all I can say to explain it.

I decided instead to sketch Charles first, and the moment the idea came in my head, my knees buckled, my head and shoulders collapsed and I started to cry.

Two way love. I guess thats what I had. For the first time in my life, and so far, the last. I have to start dealing with it. Its been a year. I have dated half a dozen people since him. I think Mike was the first time I opened to the thought it could happen again.

I bonded with our daughter. I had already met her. We were going to be a family. Thats what I thought in my head. But when he left to Kenya, it wasnt right. He was gone 2 weeks before even calling me. The relationship I had in my head was in my head. I wasnt his partner. I wasnt the one he turned to. His mom had typhoid and I didnt know until after the fact.

In the end, I feel so alone. I have many people in my life. But no parents. I have, and will, be the one to hold myself up. Don't think for a second though that I dont appreciate the people in my life and who have been in my life.

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