Thursday, November 17, 2005

Doomed

In the "Life" section of the USA Today there is an article which suggests to have a happy marriage "between 23 and 27 might be ideal ages" OH FUCK!

You may realize (I certianly do) that this is a big issue/fear with me. I have been unable to have many healthy relationships in my life, because I have been busy focusing on learning the lessons I wasn't taught as a young person because the my only daily resource to figure out the world was mentally ill and passed out drunk. I think it is perfectly reasonable that I don't have a lot of emotional experience with men, I had priorities, and I am glad I attended to them instead of to relationships.

I had felt fine about being usually single up until recently. I work at a company where it appears that 90% of my co-workers are married. Of my 3 best college friends, all of them are married and two of them have a child. Oh, and the friend I have had the longest just bought a house with her partner.

I figured out last night why my anxiety is up about this. I may be willing (and needing) to wait to get married, but my body is not going to wait until I am ready. No, I am not talking about my biological clock, I need too much medication and have 2 too many genetic mental illness to consider giving birth to be a good idea, its not my ovaries I am concerned about, its my appearance.

I went through puberty as "the hot girl" For a few years of my life if I liked a boy, all I had to do was talk to him and I would end up smooching him at the end of the party. I realize this is not a difficult or remarkable skill, but it was the framework I learned about boys from, I learned that who you are doesn't really matter, all that matters is that you look good, and then you get your way. I never really got my way, they never cared about me or anything that I thought, but as a desperately lonely little 12 year old I was willing to take the attention I could get.

As years passed and I got more average looking I learned that I can't just smile and have them wrapped around my finger, and I am still in the process of having the social skills and personality that will make me an attractive girlfriend. The anxiety provoking feeling now is that I am no longer particularly attractive, I am pretty blase about hair, makeup, and clothes (depression related) and since I feel that I am a few years behind others in personal skills I sort of feel like a bad candidate.

So I know what y'all are thinking, either "oh please" or "poor girl" you think that I don't think I am attractive enough to get someone. I know that I am attractive enough to get SOMEONE, but I don't want SOMEONE, I want someone great, I want to fall in love. I am sincerely concerned that the few men appropriate for me (rare- I am a unique person with a unique life) will be married soon (or already are), and the few that I have a chance to meet will overlook me, because where I am at right now I am neither remarkably beautiful nor am I any longer ambitious or enthusiastic. I wouldn't want a male version of myself, and I worry that by the time I am at the level I would want, my potential partners will be married already. Sure I will have a shot at all of them in 15 years when they divorce their first wives, but I don't want to be a second wife, I want to be an only wife.

I am aware that the answer here is work to become satisfied with myself, and that is when I will be ready. I know I will only be ready when I am completely happy without a man in my life. But writing about the pressure I feel from the world is helpful, because I am more aware of what the very strong feelings I am experiencing are. Perhaps if I was more in touch with them before I could have protected myself from being "touched inappropriately" by MacDuff (who, from this point I will refer to as "Peep" [named after his marshmallow cock])

One thing, on the way to being confident is, I need to lose some of this weight. I remember being much prettier about 20 pounds lighter than I am, I thought I was fat at the time, but I considered myself passibly attractive. I have lost some of my momentum on my "learning to eat right" program. I am sick and tired of recording everything I eat, and since I am not excercising much I am not seeing results fast enough to keep me motivated to continue (however I have lost a few pounds.) I imagine, that like my blog, I need to not beat myself up, just pick myself up again when I slip. This is not a diet, it is a "lifestyle change" so the challenges I am facing now are challenges I will face my whole life, and change doesn't happen overnight.

Having written it out I feel more in charge, and more of a sense of perspective. I do not have genuine pressure on me, I am just feeling imaginary cultural pressure, (and a body that doesn't seem to realize it's not going to give birth to children). I am BETTER OFF the way I have been throughout my life. I have prefered being alone than in a bad realtionship, and I am hella better off aging and losing my looks as a single woman than aging and losing my looks in a bad or unsatisfying marriage.

mood: a'ight, my leg is shaking and fidgeting though (burns calories!)

4 comments:

Satan said...

Yuh! Because we all know that USA Today articles are the fount of all knowledge.

Brad said...

Stupid USA Today. Just Cliff Notes for the New York Times anyway. And with more pretty colors!

Are you scared by what kind of crazy hits Google is going to give you based on your inclusion of the words "marshmallow cock"? I would be.

Miss Hobby said...

Sometimes you read through a loooong blog post (which I love by the way :) and one small phrase will stand out. Out of all of this I think the most motivating thing for me was "I wouldn't want a male version of myself".

That and "Peep" as it's nickname..lol. Too funny.

Diana Crabtree said...

Satan, as the creator of USA today, and studies that make unmarried women feel doomed, I hope this post pleases you!

Brad- I read your comment in the crew longe at work. When I read the google hits point I laughed out loud in front of everyone.

MH- I suppose that phrase is motivating isn't it? :) I like looking at it that way. :)