Monday, November 21, 2005

Sweet Elixer

At my first appointment with my psychiatrist I held up a Diet Dr. Pepper and asked "If I have anxiety disorder, why oh why do I drink so much caffiene?" It was an easy answer for him "To compensate for a sluggish nervous system." I self medicate my depression with caffiene, the nerves fail to send a message from one to the next, and walking to the basket on the other side of the room for a magazine seems just too hard so I just sit on the couch, staring at the basket, wanting to read one.

Today was one of those days. Last night I slept 15 hours, FIFTEEN. And that doesn't include the nap I had during the day. I don't think this is as sad as it sounds, since I have begun flying, 3 times now I have slept for an entire day. Yesterday was certianly emotionally related, but I think it was also catching up.

I got up only one hour earlier than usual (even though I went to bed very early) and grabbed a magazine. (thank goodness I was able to ;) ) I took breaks from reading and thought of how little desire I had to get started on the day, even though my day will end at my family's house in the north of my state. I knew that depression is coming on, and that I had learned that caffeine can help me fire the nerve cells and keep me going. And here I am, posting, something I have a hard time motivating myself to do if I am feeling depressed.

Yay for lattes

mood: SOOOOOOOO BLAH! But better with a little cah-fay


Jay said...

Holy cow - 15 hours, that's insane!

Satan said...

Yah for Latte's indeedy. Does falling into bed drunk at 4am and not getting up til 2pm count as a sleep in... nah, probably not.

Diana Crabtree said...

Jay- I agree completely ;)

Satan, Hee hee, thats not true is it?

Long lugging wino falls quickly

Satan said...

No, not often anyway. Depends on the occasion. Everything in moderation my dear... well except alcohol, then I go wild, well, not really... rarely before 9am anyway...

TeeHee, OK, I have a glass or two of wine at least 4 nights a week.

quick ladies often get bloody kranky for java

Diana Crabtree said...

Good thing, you know a glass a night is good for your heart. And if one is good 2 must be better. In fact, I wonder if 4 nights a week is enough?

Quantities uozo usage brings very zippy death obstruction

Satan said...

Yeah, it's plenty, drinking Mon, Tues, Wed, just makes me tired all week. Friday nights tend to be a bit bigber, you know, catching up with the lads after work. I love our pub. It's soooo old and run down but it's run by an ex-hollywood actress from the 50's. She sits there most nights sipping on gin and having a whale of a time.

java makes children happy'n jittery

Satan said...

Our Bar

Diana Crabtree said...

That sounds cool! That is my favorite kind of "pub" (bar)

I am glad to say both drinking and weed (which I of course don't use any more becuase of my job- DAMN!) both make me feel crappy the next day, so it's rare.

By youthful wine guzzling even zits minimized

Satan said...

Yeah, it totally rocks, it's one of the last pub's in the centre of sydney to maintain it's charm. All the rest have been 'renovated'. Cold steel and no character. You should come for a beer some time.

Funny how intoxicants do that, personally I still don't mind poisoning my body for a good time. Not that Dope and I have a frequent realtionship. Just occasionally, and in small amounts. Then we can be friends, otherwise we don't get along too well. I go 'internal' and aren't much fun if we see each other too often.

terrific zephyr joints getsya higher than java

Diana Crabtree said...

It's not the poisoning I am opposed to, I like damaging my internal organs as much as any other fun activity.

I think it would be funny if one friday I sauntered up to your table, addressed you as "Satan" and started saying off-the-wall things. I would really enjoy that. In fact, any of your readers could do that, especially Q. And she would recognize your face from the pic you posted about licking a cop, oh, and from the time you posted your boobs.

Boobs with propper padding turn R_ _ _ _ _ _ pretty

Satan said...

Yeah I know. It's probably a good thing that your job places a couple of limits on ya.

Hahahaha - I would be stoked if just rocked up one day. Yeah, Q could do that... um... let's just hope she doesn't bring a gun. It's probably lucky I seem to change form every post.

my joint zips beautifully just before xanax

Diana Crabtree said...

I didn't smoke a lot then either, but I LOVED getting all creative (wait, we had this conversation already)

Well you could show up on one of my airplanes, and refuse to stow your bag underneath the seat, then I'd notice you. One problem, there are hundreds of flights that my company flies a day, so you will have to buy a lot of tickets to catch me.

In pubs, only haughty republican reactionaries question hashish

Satan said...

When I said a good thing, I just meant that depression and joints don't mix too well... what are your thoughts on that?

Satan said...

Yeah, we have had that conversation...

I will buy all the tickets, I will then make a huge fuss about storing my bag on every single flight, and then when I finally track you down I will join the mile high club (teehee) no I will keep pushing my service button until they throw both of us off the flight.

Diana Crabtree said...

Hmmm, I wish I had a funny story to illustrate that. I agree with you though. When I smoke or drink the next day I have less energy than I did in the first place, so I have a good motivation to take it easy the night before.

Besides getting paranoid I don't had any good illustrative stories of mixing depression and weed, but I did have a roommate with depression who smoked daily. Her once vibrant, beutiful personality was replaced with a bored one. Have you ever witnessed funny/sad behavior from people mixing.

Now mixing weed and alcohol, THAT is a bad combination!

Egocentric German zookeepers call x rayed "treats" "eyemedication"

Satan said...

I actually don't mind mixing weed and alcohol. Stops me going 'internal'. Drink a few and then a itsy-tiny-weiney Jay afterwards. Mucho Grando.

I think everyone who smokes it everyday are the most boring people on earth. Everthing becomes about the drug 'Dope this, dope that' rather than about exploring ideas.

Most people get a little paranoid on dope, it's not just a depressive thing. Um... examples... dunnon, I'll have to think about that one.

try your favorite australian produced beer

Diana Crabtree said...

I will happily join the mile high club with you! Just keep in mind the airplane has only 44-50 seats so everyone will know, especially with you hitting the flight attendant call button all the time

Satan said...

As if I'd care if they knew... Woo Hooooooooooooo!

i just made giddy pilots zoom madly down

Satan said...

(is that one of those things we swhouldn't say?)

Diana Crabtree said...

One year I tricked my friends into believing I made out with someone during a flight. Ha Ha (wouldn't do it- like my job too much)

Diana Crabtree said...

Yeah, it is WAAAAAH! ;)

Satan said...

...but you'd make an exception for me right? No! Yeah OK, I can't blame you. But at least we could catch up for a beer and a chat after the flight.

u in stratashpere equals mesmerising

Satan said...

My friends and I were having a conversation about this a couple of days ago... after a recent experience I had... they want me to write an article on whether Internet flirting is cheating or not. I may do it, I haven't decided (that's write the article not cheat)

Diana Crabtree said...

Is this a promise?

Under puffy clouds never been harder (to be) appropriate

Satan said...

Is what a promise? You and me catching up for a beer sometime... Yeah! If ever you're here or me there, KenOath mate!

please buy zebras rude gifts

Diana Crabtree said...

I think you should write it, but where would you publish it?

I have missed the way we used to chat SOOOOO much, but my concience feels better now.

I would be very curious to see how the article read

He just loves liquor alcohol

Diana Crabtree said...

I don't know what KenOath means, but I am willing to participate!

Satan said...

I'd probably try and publish it somewhere like this, just depends on what favours I could call in.

I think the 'read' on it is why I'm not sure I'd liek to write it. It'd be a balancing act.

I miss our 'salad' days as well. Quickly kisses Diana *blush* Never happened... *whistling a random tune* Ha ha!

Satan said...

It's an Australianism meaning Fucking Oath...

Satan said...

I have to run away for about 45mins. Sorry about the kiss, I was just playing.

Hope you're still around a bit later. *mwah* (that one was just friendliness)

Diana Crabtree said...

If you are that resistant to it, I think it is proof that it needs to be written. If it is well written I imagine you could help some people. Even though it might make me cry WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Salad? is this more Ken Australian talk?

Satan said...

Don't cry sweetheart. but I do have to run, see you soon?

I think salad days, meaning early or young days is not Australian... could be I guess.

Diana Crabtree said...

See ya (I'll keep my eye on the yahoo messenger)

Satan said...

So why do you think it would make you cry?

foxew: The ugly person you wake up next to in the morning who you thought was a fox the night before.

Diana Crabtree said...

LOL to foxew!

Why do you think that I think that it would make me cry?

really vulgar x-rated astronauts wishfor longer summers

Satan said...


just never dance under xrays near quacks

Satan said...

That question is obviously too tough... should we go back to talking about joining the 'mile high club'. ; )

Diana Crabtree said...

Hee hee

I don't think it's too tough, I think it's too obvious

Thats why I wanted you to tell me why you think I think I would cry

But talking about the mile high club is more cheerful

I am yet to notice anyone joining, but I heard a story from someone on a Saab who noticed it. When the flight was over she said to the passengers "heres your wings" and the whole plane laughed :)

Satan said...

...what?! because you're afraid the conclusion would be that it is cheating. Get real, I think this is a perfect example of how and why the whole area is grey. I wouldn't consider the way we flirt on occasion cheating, because I've been upfront with what the situation is (and it's digital) but then there's the emotional response to that flirting that makes you think twice.

Maybe we should do a He Said, She said article together.

LOL, that's pretty funny, I was on a flight to New Zealand once where a couple actual fell out of the bathroom half dressed. They received a really stern talking to from the head flighty about how it wasn't a hotel room. I personally didn't see any harm in it (except maybe sanitation).

Diana Crabtree said...

Not at all. I see it as it seemed harmless but proved not to be. Maybe we should write a he said she said article! That could be very interesting. Or, maybe you could write one with your writing collaborator! You have experience with it!

I dont see any harm with MH club either, in the US people would get all hung up about it though. And I suppose it's rude to take up the bathroom when other people want to use it.

Satan said...

Yeah, I think that's the really interesting thing about this phenomenom, we as people invest a lot of emotional energy in all and every relationship that we have. Whether on-line or not. So what does seem harmless can become just as serious as if you knew the person in real life. Maybe this is why we have people jetting off around the world to meet each other and maybe joining the mile high club en-route. Ohhh, yay, I combined two conversations. Yeah, people would get hung-up on it here as well but would be more likely to deal with that by joking.

I think you have experience with it as well. But are thankfully not as emotionally involved anymore and therefore a much better candidate to write with.

Diana Crabtree said...

Well start the string pulling! (It would be better to have it written first huh?)

I was happy to hear that in the story about the MH club that everyone did laugh. People can get so outraged when they are exposed to sexuality. Even nudity freaks people out here (you know there is never breasts on network or basic cable here- and when a butt is shown its REALLY scandalous- it gets on the news)

Satan said...

Are you serious... wow, yeah, we're much more relaxed (not as relaxed as Hungary... where the cartoon network turns into a free porn chanel at mid-night). A little titty action on Telly never hurt anyone. What is the thoughts on public breast feeding there?

Yeah, it would be better to have it written. Maybe we can think about it after my move.

let us together heave into orgies.

Diana Crabtree said...

People ACTUALLY get uptight about breast feeding. That is so unbelievable to me. I am so ashamed that human beings can POSSIBLY be that way.

I am annoyed anytime women are exploited for entertainment. I would feel differently if women's desires were respected and "exploited-for" equally. So I am okay with the fact that boobs arent on TV in the U.S. becuase if they were, I would be looking at endless boobs being insultingly flapped around with no respect for women or sexuality at all. But on british TV I see sex portrayed as playful and fun (here it is only displayed as wicked & sinful) and women and men seem to be equals in it. I wish our TV would be like that, then I would be happy to see the boobs flapping around (and it would mean I would get to see other things flapping around too)

Oh, and as you probably know already, in the US all you see on TV is the ideals. There are a few character actors but even on reality TV everyone is georgeous. I think it's sad. I think it is proof that the US has some sort of identity crisis, America doesn't want to see itself, it wants to see a fantasy. I like british TV for having more average looking people on it, sex shows included.

I havent seen any Aussie TV to compare it ;)

Butts, penises, mammaries x-rated marked (x-tians)

Satan said...

Yeah, Australia TV was founded by the BBC, ex-BBC workers who emigrated. We now have this bizarre mix between the American Ideals and the British Ideals. We're becoming more and more American though, that worries me. I liked your comments on boobs on tv, very clever and well thought out.

We have women politicans who have fought and won the right to breast feed in parliament. But it's still looked down upon by the moral majority. I think that is the American influence of 'the human body is evil'. My take is a lot like my grandfathers, he was Welsh, and the village he grew up in all the women used to get together in the public square and breast feed together. I think if it was that prevelant no-one would see it as wrong and it would be commonly accepted.

zevrheat: severe heat - how I felt about your last WV.

Diana Crabtree said...


Satan said...

What does BRB stand for? I think it means you'll be back soon but I don't know what it stands for. : )

blow jobs please lots'f kinky fellows near dawn

Diana Crabtree said...

BRB means Blow Red Baboons

I have sat at the hotel watching the BBC sex specials and loved them, but I dislike most american porn. It made me wonder why, if I consider myself to be sex positive, why don't I like porn? thats how I came up with the comparison.

I think you have the core of it. You said "the human body is evil" I think that is it. It has to do with sex. What is sex? Is it a neccessary evil or is it a lovely part of life, as natural as eating? Depending on how you veiw sex- a function of the body- is how you will view the body.

The brestfeeding though, I cant believe anyone can POSSIBLY POSSIBLY find that offensive.

Ooh, another thing, in the US people often are grossed out by people french kissing. It surprises me, I am not used to it, but I think its nice. Thats it- I am moving to Europe!

Wild Kissing Does Cause Violence

Satan said...

*Satan french kisses Diana, mmmmmm, and then bares his butt* Ha! Your blog just became news worthy!

I don't think that Americans deal with food that well either, maybe this is all part of the culture. Inability to deal with physicalities.

No, American porn is absolutely disgusting. At no stage does it begin to even encapsulate just how wonderful sex can be. I feel really sorry for any young guy in the US who watchs that shit. It sets them up to have the most unrealistic attitudes towards sex and women I could possibly imagine, and if even a small sub-set of women think that's what men need or they must provide for men then the films should be banned.

Because we're down in the Asian region we have lots of wonderful Chinese erotica. These films are have been designed to accomodate both male and female fantasy. They're quite fun to watch with a partner.

Blow your own red baboon. Ewwww

causing erotic injuries are disgusting rim jobs

Satan said...

wv: voofaz: the sound Dianas hand makes going through the air on the way to slapping satan for french kissing her without her permission. Not to mention the butt baring.

Satan said...

WV: shxcbrk - the sound it makes on contact.


Diana Crabtree said...

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I feel like my opinion of [american] porn is either immediately dismissed by people accusing me of being sex-negative, or my opinion is immediately agreed with by people who are often sex-negative!

I am surprised to hear that Chinese erotica is nice for both sexes, I have written off Asian (even S Asian) men as being even more sexist than Americans, I suppose I could be more open minded. I have pretty much written off most porn/erotica, assuming it is all like (or like the Japanese worse than) the American kind, how exciting to imagine that there might me sexual material out there where the woman actually is enjoying herself!

measdo= my money

Satan said...

Um..... try something like Sex and Zen, it's a very Funny erotic tale about a guy who has his small penis replaced by horse penis (I know it sounds terrible, but it's really funny). It caters to a lot of different fantasies types for both men and women and even has a moralistic ending with the women being vindicated.

I don't think you're wrong about the sexist gender roles of asian culture. It's just that these films aren't made by those type of people.

peoples erotic psyches convulse your boobs

Diana Crabtree said...

A similar conversation has been sparked in my household. Roomie agrees and she is anything but sex negative. She said Indians are even less screwed up about sex as we (Americans) are!

I was about to make a joke saying "maybe this is where my man problems come from" but actually it is. I learned about sexuality and male-female dynamics with those sad saps who learned about sex from those mysogynist movies. I should stop joking about moving to Europe and just do it!

I will look for that book!

Sex is taboo publicly however x-tremely beautiful

Satan said...

I just ahd a thought... does it mean Be Right Back?? It's the only thing I could make it fit.

Diana Crabtree said...

I already told you, it means Blow Red Babboons

Satan said...

No, it's a movie, not a book.

Was she talking about American Indians or the people from central asia. Becuase my experience is that sex is completely taboo in their culture... their love scenes turn into dancing for gawds sake.

But yeah, it wasn't until my early 20's that I found anything I would consider to be beautiful and sexy, (other than novels) before that I thought it was just all ass, tits and a semi bored looking women, basically spank material for guys with no imagination. Who needs that?! My imagination is just fine thankyou.

llkikx: What the guy says to the girl in a porn film: lick it

Satan said...

Ha! I'm not sure why posting this feels odd.

Diana Crabtree said...

She means Asian Indians. If their love scenes turn into dancing than you can imagine how shocking it is to say we are less sex-positive than them!

Speaking of American Indians, many of their cultures are matriarchies, and my number one lover, even with with the tinyest penis in the world, was born on the reservation! Wow! I haven't quite made this connection (cultural attitudes and my experiences) so much before! Wow!

Do you think that movie would be on Netflix?

seems rong just yucky violence, yucky, corny

Diana Crabtree said...

I just said to my roomie "Latin America is pretty sexist too, so the only good country is Europe, really"

She had to tell me that Europe is a continent

Satan said...

My guess would be that it's available. It's was wildly popular for an R rated film. Something to do with metering sex with humour. I went to see it with one of my very good girl friends in the theatre, we were laughing for the first half an hour and then giving each other uncomfortable looks for the rest of the film. We could barely look at each other after the film, I think lust was just a little to evident in our eyes.

Wow, Americans can't be that bad... surely... you guys invented mass pornography. Acutally maybe you're right, maybe you need it packaged and hidden in brown paper bags in order to be comfortable with your own sexuality. Mmmm. Interesting.

many queer homos make kinky yodelling

Satan said...

What did you think it was?

Many European cultures are highly sexist too. Don't be fooled. Men are pigs. so... can I see your boobs now?

I can't think of a country that's not sexist. Australia was pretty dman good during the 90's but it's slipping again.

Diana Crabtree said...

I knew it was a continent, but the word "country" came out of my mouth without me correcting it.

She has already corrected me about that, you see, in my mind "Europe"=Western Europe.

You are right though. I came up with why men are so screwed up, I was telling roomie this. Men are so screwed up becuase their clitorises are overgrown. If they had normal sized clitoreses like women they would be much better.

Satan said...

LMAO - I think we'll have to check that theory, I'll play with your normal sized one and you play with my overgrown one and we'll see who gets screwed first. ROTFLMAO - HAahahahaa.

Europe almost is a country now, most of the use the same currency.

your kinky x-tremity sounds lovely.

Satan said...

"my number one lover, even with with the tinyest penis in the world, was born on the reservation" curious, who's this, and old boyfriend??

Diana Crabtree said...


Any time my neck is warm- LINE IS CROSSED!

Satan said...

LMAO - It was tooooooo funny not to say it!

*gently caresses your warm neck*

Now, that is crossing the line.

Diana Crabtree said...

My blog name for him is Timothy Bearclaw. When I was around him I couldn't control myself, phermone city. I would marry him in a second, but he seemed just. so. dumb. It was pretty intolerable. He stopped being my sexual go-to-guy when one day after I was reunited with him I got a phone call from a woman saying she was his wife. I still fantasize about him but some betrayals are unforgiveable.

pitiful men just make waves

Satan said...

Awwwww, that just sucks... small penis and cheating on his wife. That is a totally unforgivable combination. I can't see you with a dumb guy either, but you're right, the Mones can be pretty strong sometimes... There's another question for ya, we've never set foot in the same country, no pheromones and attraction... explain that one.

right i'll get quickly undressed

Satan said...

I guess that should have been: no pheromones, (comma) and attraction... explain that one.

Diana Crabtree said...

Heres my nightmare. WOB leaves you (it couldn't be the other way around) and (you pick me over your many fans ;) ) and we meet, both single, and no chemistry.

oz just quit his x-ratedness

Diana Crabtree said...

Yeah, first priority in my life partner has to be smart. I have tried, it can't work without that

kids love quirky red ostridge oinks

Diana Crabtree said...

And not just smart...wise (and if I want a man it means basically I am screwed. Or I'm not)

Satan said...

I think that would be a fairly valid nightmare... so what you're are saying is that the attraction isn't real, until it's been tested within reality. (sorry I am thinking of the article here, I don't mean to devalue what you've just said. You're so sweet A)

Oh, yeah, I've got lots of smart (very very smart) friends who have no wisdom at all.

yumpkzl: the noise my heart made when I first read your previous comment.

Diana Crabtree said...

It is my experience that I cannot muster physical feelings for many good-on-paper guys.

I think the brain is the number one sex organ, but the phermones are a close second

No need exploring it too deeply (unless of course in the context of an article of course- ha ha) I don't want to fall back into confusion again (you underestimate to what level I have been confused)

I appreciate x-periences making quality x-pressions good will

Satan said...

No, I do know. And I certainly dont wan't to try to recreate confusion. I started feeling a little worried there after I posted that comment. I felt really disrespectful or something, maybe that I was going too far.

But yeah, I guess this would definately be one aspect of the article. "What are the expectations of that type of relationship?". If the answer is "I wouldn't expect that the attraction was real until tested by reality" then yeah, that's an interesting phenomenum as equal as someone who didn't have any doubt it would work. Where you put your emotional nuiance would create some type of expectation and would help resolve whether or not that type of on-line behaviour is or isn't cheating.

I have to go home soon... you probably need sleep. Promise me we'll pick this up again though.

Diana Crabtree said...

We can pick it up agian, but you have to bring it up ;)

Night night.


Satan said...

Coolness, thankyou. : )

If you have any scenarios on behaviour you want to ask, feel free to ask, I'll try to be as honest as I can.

Night Diana : )

Diana Crabtree said...

I am not sure what you mean "scenarios on behavior you want to ask" I will have you explain in our next conversation.


Anonymous said...

I have been reading all of your posts to see who you really are and it sure seems like you use your depression as an excuse to validate your anti-social behavior, lack to obtain a healthy relationship and just plain misery. I get that you had a fucked up childhood and you weren't raised the way you thought you should be, but loook at Oprah. She was raped, she suffered depression, she lost a baby, her life was fucked up and look how succesful and happy she is now. I get that your working on it or whatever, but why don't you try taking some of the responsibility and just get over it. I have never read a blog that bitches more about other people than you do. You are always the victim. It's old. Very old.

Diana Crabtree said...

Dear Anonymous,

I appreciate comments and am sure that your comment is meant to help, not to insult me.

It seems to me that perhaps my blog isn't something you should read.

I certianly hope you never have or will experience depression or any life experiences that can lead to depression


Rachel said...

What a jerk. Obviously they hadn't read all of your posts, or they would have understood that depression is a VERY serious thing, and it affects every part of your life. You are too nice Diana. I would have have told them to F%ck off! :)

Satan said...

Hear Hear Rachel

Anonymous, I hope you do get depression to see just how 'easy' it is for you to extricate yourself from the funk. Idiot! Yes Diana, just snap out of it girl, see you're all better now aren't you!

It's this attitude which makes depression the single most destructive (and expensive) illness to plague modern society. I think we're now at 1 in 3 people who will suffer form the illness in their lifetime.