Today I made brownies for a church event this evening. I put half of the brownies in the pan and then added pecans to the second half so there would be a choice of nuts or without. Then, I frosted the middle half of the brownies, so there were 4 choices, frosted, with or without nuts, and not frosted (my favorite) with or without nuts. Silly maybe, but it pleases me to offer up so many options.
I walked into the kitchen to see a note "Mom, I tested these to make sure they weren't poisonous." I of course had to take a bit too, I added "me too" (poison could metabolize differently maybe) I saw a bit later it had been amended "me three."
It was a large jelly roll pan and 1/8 of the pan was missing.
My aunt blew in like a tornado, "Wheres _ _ _?" "Her sister took her" I responded. She saw the brownies "Well good thing I didn't use all of the pumpkin bars, those were for the congregation" At that point I rolled over on my cousins big time. THEN she says "why aren't they frosted?" I mousily responded "they are half frosted, so people have a choice...I'll frost them all if you want" "I don't have time! Bah dah da..dah dah" She apologized quickly and blew out as quickly as she arrived.
See? A funny day in the life of a family. Funny, funny, funny. It was a whole hour ago and I still feel mortally wounded. I imagine a big part of my depression could be a result of me being so rediculously sensitive that someone looking at me funny hurts (honestly.) Truth is I feel ultra-sensitive like this more when I am depressed, when it is in remission things roll off me easier.
Last night I had a great time bonding with my aunt. She mentioned (in a positive way) how since I disappoint so much that my cousin feels at ease with me, like I don't put pressure on her or something nice but I didn't take it as nice. I rolled around in bed that night "disappoint...disappointment...disappointed" the sick feeling in my chest was terribly painful.
I have had my up times today. I listened to the entire book-on-tape "The Art of Happiness" by the Dalai Lama, and while listening to it I felt hopeful. I dragged myself out to the sunny day and took the dog for a walk, I wanted to run the whole time, but at least I got out there. I did 2 loads of laundry, enjoyed a bath, and made some delicious brownies...4 types.