yeah, so it's 3:10 AM. I just made out with my neighbor, and got some guy named "Alan'"s phine number. A good roommate would have stopped me before going upstairs to make out with him, but NOOOOOOO. Bad roommate, bad. Its all her fault.
BAAAAD
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Monday, January 01, 2007
Powerful Motivation
Today I ate well, and then ate a 1380 calorie box of christmas chocolates. I have been anxious the last couple of days and I just played on the computer mindlessly eating chocolate after chocolate after chocolate.
I thought for a second what I must look like eating these chocolates. In my head I look like Giselle Bundchen eating chocolate after chocolate after chocolate, and as we all know, Giselle Bundchen is so georgeous that she would look good doing it. Then I thought of the fact that I do not look like Giselle Bundchen, so I decided to see what I do look like.
I had my roommate take my picture, in my stretchy pajamas, staring at a computer screen, eating a chocolate. Not a nice sight. I contemplated posting the picture, but it was simply too ugly. Damn, damn, ugly.
I think the picture will help. When I am feeling like pigging out I will look at that picture and know that is what I look like. Then I will pick up carrots, drink some water, or best of all, work out.
Hmmm, I should take a picture of my bedroom too!
I thought for a second what I must look like eating these chocolates. In my head I look like Giselle Bundchen eating chocolate after chocolate after chocolate, and as we all know, Giselle Bundchen is so georgeous that she would look good doing it. Then I thought of the fact that I do not look like Giselle Bundchen, so I decided to see what I do look like.
I had my roommate take my picture, in my stretchy pajamas, staring at a computer screen, eating a chocolate. Not a nice sight. I contemplated posting the picture, but it was simply too ugly. Damn, damn, ugly.
I think the picture will help. When I am feeling like pigging out I will look at that picture and know that is what I look like. Then I will pick up carrots, drink some water, or best of all, work out.
Hmmm, I should take a picture of my bedroom too!
Nightmares
I forgot to take my medications last night, and my dreams were just awful!
I dreamt that I was sitting in a room and a math teacher handed me a graded pop quiz with 20% on it. I freaked out, I had been registered for these classes but not going or studying (you know, not being in school and all.) This is a recurring dream, not so much now as a few years ago.
Later in the dream I had returned a luggage cart to the rack to collect my quarter, and quarters kept coming out, more and more at a time, so I just kept taking them. When they stopped coming out a man who had been standing next to me arrested me for taking more than the quarter that was due to me. I protested that I was taking the quarters so I could report it to the company (which I was contemplating doing) but they wouldn't hear of it, and I was in trouble. It was possible I was going on probation, but no matter what I had a crime on my record, AND I was failing all of my classes. I realized this was all too awful and started blinking my eyes, and yes, I woke up.
But when I fell back asleep I dreamt that I had parked my car in a specific place, but when I looked for that place I ended up far away. It was cold and there was very deep snow, so I knew I couldn't get it on my own. I was somehow kidnapped, and with my friend's young cousin. It was known that I would be raped. We were driving in a car and I knew that we were approaching where my car was parked. The kidnapper answered a phone call and I whispered to the girl "If I tell you to run, run." The kidnapper then put down the phone and said "if you run than it will be the little girl getting raped." I got SOO angry and I reached over the little girl and said to him, while he was driving, "I am going to kick your ass, I don't care what happens" and right as I started to punch him "RIIIIIIIIIINGGG!" my wake up call. I got up, took my medication, and drank a cup of coffee, thankful.
I dreamt that I was sitting in a room and a math teacher handed me a graded pop quiz with 20% on it. I freaked out, I had been registered for these classes but not going or studying (you know, not being in school and all.) This is a recurring dream, not so much now as a few years ago.
Later in the dream I had returned a luggage cart to the rack to collect my quarter, and quarters kept coming out, more and more at a time, so I just kept taking them. When they stopped coming out a man who had been standing next to me arrested me for taking more than the quarter that was due to me. I protested that I was taking the quarters so I could report it to the company (which I was contemplating doing) but they wouldn't hear of it, and I was in trouble. It was possible I was going on probation, but no matter what I had a crime on my record, AND I was failing all of my classes. I realized this was all too awful and started blinking my eyes, and yes, I woke up.
But when I fell back asleep I dreamt that I had parked my car in a specific place, but when I looked for that place I ended up far away. It was cold and there was very deep snow, so I knew I couldn't get it on my own. I was somehow kidnapped, and with my friend's young cousin. It was known that I would be raped. We were driving in a car and I knew that we were approaching where my car was parked. The kidnapper answered a phone call and I whispered to the girl "If I tell you to run, run." The kidnapper then put down the phone and said "if you run than it will be the little girl getting raped." I got SOO angry and I reached over the little girl and said to him, while he was driving, "I am going to kick your ass, I don't care what happens" and right as I started to punch him "RIIIIIIIIIINGGG!" my wake up call. I got up, took my medication, and drank a cup of coffee, thankful.
Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am writing this on the airplane, ten minutes after the beginning of the new year in my time zone. However, I am traveling to a time zone when it is not the new year yet. So the question is, what new year do I celebrate? Well I have the solution, celebrate both!!!
The new year from my time zone is the one that matters to me I think. I got so excited, I turned on my computer (which has a second hand on the clock) and saw that it was 3 minutes to the new year! I gathered 3 cups and a can of diet sierra mist and rang the flight deck call button “can I come up for the countdown?” I ask the captian, “sure” he says, and I stand with my hands full, waiting for the door to unlock. Nothing. So I ring their call button again but hang up, because it is too hard to hold all of this and the phone at the same time. I get nothing. Then they chime me “The F/O would like a cup of coffee” the captain tells me. Okay, so I grab the cup of coffee, and am now balancing a laptop, cup of coffee, 3 cups and a can of diet sierra mist in my hands. I am not sure how I called them after that but I finally got up there.
I quickly handed off the coffee and diet sierra mist to them and opened up my computer “are you ready for the countdown?” I said cheerfully. “It’s over” they said. “Huh?” and after I got the computer screen back up, there it was, 0:00:07. “It’s all your fault- I missed it getting your stupid coffee!” I said to the F/O. And then we poured the diet sierra mist, the captian had orange juice, and we toasted to a new year.
Now for the next time zone’s new year I am considering doing a countdown over the PA with the passengers, but I am scared they will be silent. MMMMM, I’ll let you know what happens.
The new year from my time zone is the one that matters to me I think. I got so excited, I turned on my computer (which has a second hand on the clock) and saw that it was 3 minutes to the new year! I gathered 3 cups and a can of diet sierra mist and rang the flight deck call button “can I come up for the countdown?” I ask the captian, “sure” he says, and I stand with my hands full, waiting for the door to unlock. Nothing. So I ring their call button again but hang up, because it is too hard to hold all of this and the phone at the same time. I get nothing. Then they chime me “The F/O would like a cup of coffee” the captain tells me. Okay, so I grab the cup of coffee, and am now balancing a laptop, cup of coffee, 3 cups and a can of diet sierra mist in my hands. I am not sure how I called them after that but I finally got up there.
I quickly handed off the coffee and diet sierra mist to them and opened up my computer “are you ready for the countdown?” I said cheerfully. “It’s over” they said. “Huh?” and after I got the computer screen back up, there it was, 0:00:07. “It’s all your fault- I missed it getting your stupid coffee!” I said to the F/O. And then we poured the diet sierra mist, the captian had orange juice, and we toasted to a new year.
Now for the next time zone’s new year I am considering doing a countdown over the PA with the passengers, but I am scared they will be silent. MMMMM, I’ll let you know what happens.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
OK, I will speak to him
I got a sweet text message saying he hopes that 2007 has promise and happy new year.
I think I will still break up with him, but this time not hit-and-run style at McDonalds
I think I will still break up with him, but this time not hit-and-run style at McDonalds
a HA!
I figured it out!
This new found inspiration to get in shape and upgrade myself in my life is because I am HUMILIATED by experiencing YET ANOTHER indignity at the hands of A FUCKING MAN and I am SICK OF IT!
I remember what it was like to be the one in control. When I was rocking that hot little body I had men WRAPPED AROUND MY LITTLE FINGER. It used to be my favorite little game in my early teens to put makeup on my boyfriends. Yes, it was fun to see how it would look but it was probably a power game. I loved the way I could get them to do anything I wanted.
No, I would not fuck around with that power like I did as a girl, but I would use it. I CAN'T BELIEVE I couldn't get my own boyfriend to E-MAIL ME. I am sick of this sick of this sick of this.
Mark my words people...MARK MY WORDS. I wont look as good as I did then, but motherfuckers I'm gonna look GUUUUUUUUD, and if some guy is lucky enough to get me, his ass isn't taking me for granted! NEVER AGAIN!
This new found inspiration to get in shape and upgrade myself in my life is because I am HUMILIATED by experiencing YET ANOTHER indignity at the hands of A FUCKING MAN and I am SICK OF IT!
I remember what it was like to be the one in control. When I was rocking that hot little body I had men WRAPPED AROUND MY LITTLE FINGER. It used to be my favorite little game in my early teens to put makeup on my boyfriends. Yes, it was fun to see how it would look but it was probably a power game. I loved the way I could get them to do anything I wanted.
No, I would not fuck around with that power like I did as a girl, but I would use it. I CAN'T BELIEVE I couldn't get my own boyfriend to E-MAIL ME. I am sick of this sick of this sick of this.
Mark my words people...MARK MY WORDS. I wont look as good as I did then, but motherfuckers I'm gonna look GUUUUUUUUD, and if some guy is lucky enough to get me, his ass isn't taking me for granted! NEVER AGAIN!
I exist
My crush on Muse Derek didn’t come out of nowhere, this guy started it, get these things this guy said to me…I asked him what he got for Christmas, he said he got a little cam-corder. He said he likes to make little films. And then he said…get this…”I might ask you to play a part in one.” What else did he say? Geez, I can’t remember. It may have been when I said “wow, you already have friends here?” and he told me about a former client of his who is a “true friend” who didn’t just want to hang out with him because of “who he is.” Awww, sensitive large maaaaan!
Anyway, often when my thoughts get the best of me, and I start fantasizing about Derek doing more to me than showing me excercises, I keep feeling this little disappointment. Derek, while still seeming like a really cool person, would not make a good match for me, and so fantasizing about him tends to be a disappointment, because while I am dating him in my mind, I keep knowing that I have taken a step backwards.
I sort of question how great this crush is, because I realize what I am doing by having it, I am completely distracting myself from my reality with Charles. And that reality is a great disappointment, a long fall from a very high place. Charles really let me down.
I really thought Charles was someone I could depend on. I thought that I had found someone truly phenomenal, and the fact that the sex wasn’t red hot was a worthy price to pay for love that was so sweet. I knew that I had moved forward in my life, that I had gained the skills of identifying a good man. I thought that I had found one of those kinds of love that would last, like we would be together and still sweet into our sixties when everyone else had gotten divorced or bitter. The last thing I expected was that sweetness would end so soon. The last thing I expected was that he would ignore me, after all, I am his baby. He said he loved me.
I was so excited for the love letters from my sweet baby, I figured the seperation would make the intensity increase. I so looked forward to the stories of his adventures in Kenya, and I, lucky me, would get to be the girlfriend of the sexy, smart professor, going into remote villages and helping to create curriculum to engage the young men and women who’s whole future depended on their education. I could share these remarkable stories and pictures on my blog and to my friends and family, gushing with pride of the man I chose as my partner, and who in turn chose me.
I wrote a long conversational e-mail to him days after he left. I kept the phone next to me, waiting for that first call. After a few days I wrote him a second long conversational e-mail. After a few more days I just didn’t want to write anymore. I heard from him two weeks after he left. Not even a short call when he arrived in Kenya to let me know he made it all right.
I spend a few months feeling elated when I would receive his short phone calls, but after awhile I just whined a lot. I did it in a joking manner, as if it was the circumstances, and that I was actually being a big baby. But fuck him, I was not being a baby. I wanted a relationship with my boyfriend, that is not expecting too much. He disappoints me by thinking that I am expecting too much.
It’s over. It’s really, really over. I have broken up with him already, it’s just a matter of telling him when he gets back, which shouldn’t be long. I have decided to say to him, before he can start explaining the “pressures” he was under that “I am no longer willing to be in this relationship.” those are the words I feel I need to choose because they don’t leave room for argument. I just want to take him to a McDonalds near his house and say it, and have it last 10 minutes, and then leave. I don’t want any “catching up” I don’t want to “come to an agreement” I want to say it and go. Why? Because hearing his side of the story is like being slapped in the face, over, and over, and over again. Hearing the man I thought loved me explain why it was okay to ignore me is just like hearing my dad, who I thought loved me, explain why it was okay to ignore me. It’s one thing to be treated like I’m nothing, it’s quite another to expect me to agree with it.
So now a bodybuilder is flirting with me. I’m not nothing. If I fantasize about having a relationship with him, the one who has paid more attention to me in two weeks of knowing me, than my own boyfriend, then I suppose I feel like I exist.
Anyway, often when my thoughts get the best of me, and I start fantasizing about Derek doing more to me than showing me excercises, I keep feeling this little disappointment. Derek, while still seeming like a really cool person, would not make a good match for me, and so fantasizing about him tends to be a disappointment, because while I am dating him in my mind, I keep knowing that I have taken a step backwards.
I sort of question how great this crush is, because I realize what I am doing by having it, I am completely distracting myself from my reality with Charles. And that reality is a great disappointment, a long fall from a very high place. Charles really let me down.
I really thought Charles was someone I could depend on. I thought that I had found someone truly phenomenal, and the fact that the sex wasn’t red hot was a worthy price to pay for love that was so sweet. I knew that I had moved forward in my life, that I had gained the skills of identifying a good man. I thought that I had found one of those kinds of love that would last, like we would be together and still sweet into our sixties when everyone else had gotten divorced or bitter. The last thing I expected was that sweetness would end so soon. The last thing I expected was that he would ignore me, after all, I am his baby. He said he loved me.
I was so excited for the love letters from my sweet baby, I figured the seperation would make the intensity increase. I so looked forward to the stories of his adventures in Kenya, and I, lucky me, would get to be the girlfriend of the sexy, smart professor, going into remote villages and helping to create curriculum to engage the young men and women who’s whole future depended on their education. I could share these remarkable stories and pictures on my blog and to my friends and family, gushing with pride of the man I chose as my partner, and who in turn chose me.
I wrote a long conversational e-mail to him days after he left. I kept the phone next to me, waiting for that first call. After a few days I wrote him a second long conversational e-mail. After a few more days I just didn’t want to write anymore. I heard from him two weeks after he left. Not even a short call when he arrived in Kenya to let me know he made it all right.
I spend a few months feeling elated when I would receive his short phone calls, but after awhile I just whined a lot. I did it in a joking manner, as if it was the circumstances, and that I was actually being a big baby. But fuck him, I was not being a baby. I wanted a relationship with my boyfriend, that is not expecting too much. He disappoints me by thinking that I am expecting too much.
It’s over. It’s really, really over. I have broken up with him already, it’s just a matter of telling him when he gets back, which shouldn’t be long. I have decided to say to him, before he can start explaining the “pressures” he was under that “I am no longer willing to be in this relationship.” those are the words I feel I need to choose because they don’t leave room for argument. I just want to take him to a McDonalds near his house and say it, and have it last 10 minutes, and then leave. I don’t want any “catching up” I don’t want to “come to an agreement” I want to say it and go. Why? Because hearing his side of the story is like being slapped in the face, over, and over, and over again. Hearing the man I thought loved me explain why it was okay to ignore me is just like hearing my dad, who I thought loved me, explain why it was okay to ignore me. It’s one thing to be treated like I’m nothing, it’s quite another to expect me to agree with it.
So now a bodybuilder is flirting with me. I’m not nothing. If I fantasize about having a relationship with him, the one who has paid more attention to me in two weeks of knowing me, than my own boyfriend, then I suppose I feel like I exist.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Damn Timing!
Uh! Now that it's a day before work my temp is not just a low fever, of 99 like early this evening, but no fever at all! A measely 98.6!
So whats this? I get a shitty week off and now I have to go to work having accomplished nothing on my days off, not even enjoyment!
The upside I guess is I can start working out again. I decided not to go in for my 15 easy minutes today, I had such a hard time with it yesterday, and I figure the 90 calories I would burn would not be worth extending my cold out longer.
My energy has been up. I was dancing around the house a little to my Eiffel 85 CD (remember that song "Blue"?) Doing dishes and a little bit of tidying in my room.
Oh well, work (and working out) will be a welcome relief to the boredom I have felt in the last few days. It's funny, I never feel as motivated to clean when I am healthy enough to get up and do it! Hee hee.
Oh boy, better go pack now :P
So whats this? I get a shitty week off and now I have to go to work having accomplished nothing on my days off, not even enjoyment!
The upside I guess is I can start working out again. I decided not to go in for my 15 easy minutes today, I had such a hard time with it yesterday, and I figure the 90 calories I would burn would not be worth extending my cold out longer.
My energy has been up. I was dancing around the house a little to my Eiffel 85 CD (remember that song "Blue"?) Doing dishes and a little bit of tidying in my room.
Oh well, work (and working out) will be a welcome relief to the boredom I have felt in the last few days. It's funny, I never feel as motivated to clean when I am healthy enough to get up and do it! Hee hee.
Oh boy, better go pack now :P
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Posting again
I am blogging a lot today. It is because I have been in bed most of the day with my computer.
Earlier in the day my fever was gone, I was bored even! But now my fever is back! WAAAH!
I don't want to be sick any longer. I have to work on the 30th and I don't want to waste my days off being sick. I am also very excited about getting back in shape, so it sucks to stick to the 15 minutes of "very easy"cardio that muse Derek suggested. I can say this though, yesterday I walked at 4.0miles/hour. It hurt my lungs, but I had the energy to do it. Today I started at 3.5mph, and brought it down to 3mph in just a few minutes, and it was hard to get through the whole 20 minutes. I think I will not go tomorrow. Maybe.
So here I am, ready for another night of half-sleep. I took a valerian root last night that helped a lot, so maybe it's not that bad, but I am still mad that this is happening on my day off.
And oh shit! I have to make and go to an appointment for glasses tomorrow! Shit shit shit.
Earlier in the day my fever was gone, I was bored even! But now my fever is back! WAAAH!
I don't want to be sick any longer. I have to work on the 30th and I don't want to waste my days off being sick. I am also very excited about getting back in shape, so it sucks to stick to the 15 minutes of "very easy"cardio that muse Derek suggested. I can say this though, yesterday I walked at 4.0miles/hour. It hurt my lungs, but I had the energy to do it. Today I started at 3.5mph, and brought it down to 3mph in just a few minutes, and it was hard to get through the whole 20 minutes. I think I will not go tomorrow. Maybe.
So here I am, ready for another night of half-sleep. I took a valerian root last night that helped a lot, so maybe it's not that bad, but I am still mad that this is happening on my day off.
And oh shit! I have to make and go to an appointment for glasses tomorrow! Shit shit shit.
This was my idea!
I had the idea of tattoo ink that lasted only 5 years, well someone came up with something even better! Removeable tattoo ink! The money I was going to make off that invention was going to pay for my retirement! WAAAAAAH!
Silly Dad
When I think about my relationship with Charles, I think about the relationship with my dad. My feelings about my dad are really sad. I see him as completely irrelevant. It would make sense to feel compassion for him, as a man surviving mental illness, but even that is hard to muster for me. To me he is simply a person I play-act with, I politely laugh at his jokes, and I look away when he talks with food in his mouth, or starts eating at holiday dinners when we haven't all served ourselves or said grace.
I have a reason to be the way I am. He abandoned me when I was an adolecent. He did nothing for me but pay bills. He completely ingored me and slept drunk on the porch instead, while I was out having sex, drinking and smoking. So it is only natural that I will be detached. I tried a number of times to "reconcile" with him, but whenever I did I ended up hurting all over again. A strong memory was in 2001, when we "chatted" about me being a nerd, and he sent me a (non-nude) web link to porn star "Asia Carrerra" as a way to show it can be "cool" to be a nerd, because she runs her own website. How few accomplished women must there be in this world that the only choice he could find as an appropriate role model for his daughter is a person who makes their money behaving as a male fantasy of what a woman is for money? This is the perfect example of what kind of parent he was to me. Thoughtless, though he makes up things to make it sound like he had a strategy. "To expose me to everything" was what he said his parenting style was. Bringing home the soft-core porn "sorceress" is a good job of "exposing" me.
So today, he is nothing but a joke to me. He is harmless to me now because he is so irrelevant. What I wish he would do, which would raise him in my mind, is if he would quit the "daddy/daughter" game. If he would respect me as an adult, as an equal, or even as someone to admire, I would be more able to see him as a person to respect. But instead he pretends he is a "father" and goes out of his way to give me advice, which again, is rediculous, coming from a man who not only failed his daughter so completely, but especially to give the advice to that very daughter, just stupid.
In the end, the fact that he is irrelevant is sort of the point. He is mentally ill. If he has higher capacity it is taking time for it to come through (though he has kept a job for a long time now, has health insurance, and is paying off debts) Would you hate an old grandpa who is senile? No, you just humor them and love them anyway. And I guess I do that. I humor him, the way anyone humors their parents, whether they raised them as a child or not.
I suppose the way I am dwelling on the nature of my relationship with my dad is just me reflecting on the unfairness of it all. I think it's completely unfair that while many people get two parents they can look up two, I get zero. I have a dead mom, and a dad who not only screwed up my adolecence, will be a financial burden to me as he ages.
But I really can't complain. I had an invested mother for the first 9 years of my life, and a father who spoiled me during those years of my life when he had someone else to do the hard work. I also had aunts and uncles who, although I wish more, did stay in touch and take over w ith some of the parent roles. There are children who haven't felt a moment of love in their lives. Who's mothers were drug addicts, or who have been in an orphanage since shortly after birth. Those children develop disorders that cant be undone with therapy like mine, they don't build the capacity to build attachments, and have no chance for a happy future. I have that chance, I am blessed with the resiliance and intelligence to survive the past, and to (I hope, I hope, I hope) one day thrive.
I have a reason to be the way I am. He abandoned me when I was an adolecent. He did nothing for me but pay bills. He completely ingored me and slept drunk on the porch instead, while I was out having sex, drinking and smoking. So it is only natural that I will be detached. I tried a number of times to "reconcile" with him, but whenever I did I ended up hurting all over again. A strong memory was in 2001, when we "chatted" about me being a nerd, and he sent me a (non-nude) web link to porn star "Asia Carrerra" as a way to show it can be "cool" to be a nerd, because she runs her own website. How few accomplished women must there be in this world that the only choice he could find as an appropriate role model for his daughter is a person who makes their money behaving as a male fantasy of what a woman is for money? This is the perfect example of what kind of parent he was to me. Thoughtless, though he makes up things to make it sound like he had a strategy. "To expose me to everything" was what he said his parenting style was. Bringing home the soft-core porn "sorceress" is a good job of "exposing" me.
So today, he is nothing but a joke to me. He is harmless to me now because he is so irrelevant. What I wish he would do, which would raise him in my mind, is if he would quit the "daddy/daughter" game. If he would respect me as an adult, as an equal, or even as someone to admire, I would be more able to see him as a person to respect. But instead he pretends he is a "father" and goes out of his way to give me advice, which again, is rediculous, coming from a man who not only failed his daughter so completely, but especially to give the advice to that very daughter, just stupid.
In the end, the fact that he is irrelevant is sort of the point. He is mentally ill. If he has higher capacity it is taking time for it to come through (though he has kept a job for a long time now, has health insurance, and is paying off debts) Would you hate an old grandpa who is senile? No, you just humor them and love them anyway. And I guess I do that. I humor him, the way anyone humors their parents, whether they raised them as a child or not.
I suppose the way I am dwelling on the nature of my relationship with my dad is just me reflecting on the unfairness of it all. I think it's completely unfair that while many people get two parents they can look up two, I get zero. I have a dead mom, and a dad who not only screwed up my adolecence, will be a financial burden to me as he ages.
But I really can't complain. I had an invested mother for the first 9 years of my life, and a father who spoiled me during those years of my life when he had someone else to do the hard work. I also had aunts and uncles who, although I wish more, did stay in touch and take over w ith some of the parent roles. There are children who haven't felt a moment of love in their lives. Who's mothers were drug addicts, or who have been in an orphanage since shortly after birth. Those children develop disorders that cant be undone with therapy like mine, they don't build the capacity to build attachments, and have no chance for a happy future. I have that chance, I am blessed with the resiliance and intelligence to survive the past, and to (I hope, I hope, I hope) one day thrive.
Suckerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Every now and then I am getting the urge not to break up with Charles. It would be so easy, just go along with his perception, that I am "overreacting" to a situation in which he was "powerless" to do anything, and then I can go back to the daily "I love you BAYBEEEEE" which, coming from a man you admire greatly, is like a drug.
But still, even though there could be enough steam in the relationship to keep it tugging along for awhile more, doesn't mean we should stay together. It will be so hard. I hate hurting him, so much that I would rather say "yes baby" to everything he says than tell the truth, but I can't be unwilling to hurt him at my own expense. The sad thing is, it's my history to do that, to bend my feelings in order to stay in a relationship that doesn't serve me. Again, that is habit, learned by my relationship with my dad.
I think it will also be hard to change to friendship. I hope, I guess, that he will want to keep some distance for awhile. It would be easier for me to pretend he never existed, I have the scary ability to do that, but that would not honor him or myself, and I really do admire him, and want him in my life (right?)
He really blew it.
But still, even though there could be enough steam in the relationship to keep it tugging along for awhile more, doesn't mean we should stay together. It will be so hard. I hate hurting him, so much that I would rather say "yes baby" to everything he says than tell the truth, but I can't be unwilling to hurt him at my own expense. The sad thing is, it's my history to do that, to bend my feelings in order to stay in a relationship that doesn't serve me. Again, that is habit, learned by my relationship with my dad.
I think it will also be hard to change to friendship. I hope, I guess, that he will want to keep some distance for awhile. It would be easier for me to pretend he never existed, I have the scary ability to do that, but that would not honor him or myself, and I really do admire him, and want him in my life (right?)
He really blew it.
Public Service Message
Well my fever is gone, but I am still hacking up little bits of my lungs.
Dear smokers: Please stop smoking. You don't want to go through this. It is more than mildly unpleasant.
Dear smokers: Please stop smoking. You don't want to go through this. It is more than mildly unpleasant.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Name Diana's Muse!!!
Derek is such a boring name for a muse. I need something better like "Gunther" or "Franz." Can anyone think of a better name than Derek?
This picture is my secular holiday gift to you all, enjoy!
UPDATE: Thanks to Lavender Dawn for his new name "Ullrick" It means "Powerful Wolf" Tee Hee
My dad's side is crazy, my mom's side is crazy amazing
Christmas Eve was at my grandparents’ from my dad’s side of the family. It is redily apparent to me that my Grandparents are getting OLLLLLLD. Grandpa will ask a question and then not listen to your answer, and will ask the same question three times. Grandma is getting old, but she is still pretty sharp. Sharp enough that in her 80’s she cooked the entire Christmas dinner!
The dinner was nothing fancy, but it was delicious. Ham, sweet potatoes, twice baked potatoes (Fat!) and asparagus with hollandaise. I was hoping to be moderate in my eating, like I did successfully on Thanksgiving, but I ate a ton, and got a minor stomach ache.
At dessert the brownies were brought up from the basement. We didn’t have our traditional birthday cake for Jesus this year. Grandma stated that she wished she didn’t frost the brownies because they were hard to cut, and Grandpa spent what seemed like ten minutes cutting them. When he was finished cutting them we ate them while Grandma was M.I.A. Grandpa was telling us that whenever Grandma ate a hearty meal she would have to go to the bathroom. Since Grandpa forgets that he has already said something, he brought it up quite a few times. Whenever someone was missing from the group it would be announce “They’re in the potty” (Irritable Bowel Syndrome, a syndrome related to Anxiety Disorder, runs in the family, I suppose I should count myself lucky for only inheriting the Anxiety)
After dinner we opened the presents. My uncle, married to my dad’s sister, got a model train that you have to assemble. We passed some of the gifts around and there grandpa was, assembling the train for him. That got quite a laugh. Later my aunt opened a package with a comfortable looking nightgown in it. Grandma said “that nightgown is for both of you to enjoy because he gets to see you in it.” That made me laugh inside.
It is never appropriate to not be grateful of the gifts you receive, a gift is a gift. My aunt usually gives me a ten dollar gift card to target, which I always enjoy. This year she spent more on me, but she got me a book called “Why Paint Cats, the ethical implications of painting Cats” It was a cute and funny book, but as with most of the presents I got Christmas eve, it was all stuff I wanted out of my house immediately. I am on a quest in my life to lighten my load of material belongings, and these things would not help. Fortunately, at my aunt’s house on Christmas day, we play the “White Elephant Dice Game” so I wrapped up the gifts and added them to the mix. I was so pleased I did that. A little purse that I received was appreciated by someone, and the “Why Paint Cats” book got passed around quite a bit, and a “Red Hat Club” type aunt kept it, saying it would make a cute bathroom book. That pleased me to no end.
I had a wonderful time with my family. I spent part of the night bonding with my 5 year old cousin, who more than once said “Your not really a grown-up, you’re a kid.” I laughed at that to her mother, who suggested it is because I am her cousin, that is why she cant see me as a grown up. I liked that hypothesis. I pointed to our younger cousin and said “She isn’t a grown up either, right?” and my 5 year old cousin said “Yeah, she’s a grown up.” I am a responsible person, and I am always thinking about and analyzing grown-up things, so I suppose I will take it as a compliment. Children are able to see things that grown-ups cant, so if I am childlike, not childish, I will appreciate being unique in that way.
The best part of this family is the music. Not everyone’s family brings out a guitar and has a sing along. My 15 year old cousin is developing this amazing voice, it has a Natalie Merchant quality to it, but still very unique.
The music continued into the next day, at a Sushi party. I videotaped a lot of songs, which I think will be valuable in the future, I wish so much I had a recording of my mom singing. I was physically there for the party, but my brain was out of it. I have developed a chest cold, which now has a 101 degree fever. I am going to bed now, with a sore throat and a prayer that I will actually get some sleep tonight.
I hope everyone’s holiday was good!
The dinner was nothing fancy, but it was delicious. Ham, sweet potatoes, twice baked potatoes (Fat!) and asparagus with hollandaise. I was hoping to be moderate in my eating, like I did successfully on Thanksgiving, but I ate a ton, and got a minor stomach ache.
At dessert the brownies were brought up from the basement. We didn’t have our traditional birthday cake for Jesus this year. Grandma stated that she wished she didn’t frost the brownies because they were hard to cut, and Grandpa spent what seemed like ten minutes cutting them. When he was finished cutting them we ate them while Grandma was M.I.A. Grandpa was telling us that whenever Grandma ate a hearty meal she would have to go to the bathroom. Since Grandpa forgets that he has already said something, he brought it up quite a few times. Whenever someone was missing from the group it would be announce “They’re in the potty” (Irritable Bowel Syndrome, a syndrome related to Anxiety Disorder, runs in the family, I suppose I should count myself lucky for only inheriting the Anxiety)
After dinner we opened the presents. My uncle, married to my dad’s sister, got a model train that you have to assemble. We passed some of the gifts around and there grandpa was, assembling the train for him. That got quite a laugh. Later my aunt opened a package with a comfortable looking nightgown in it. Grandma said “that nightgown is for both of you to enjoy because he gets to see you in it.” That made me laugh inside.
It is never appropriate to not be grateful of the gifts you receive, a gift is a gift. My aunt usually gives me a ten dollar gift card to target, which I always enjoy. This year she spent more on me, but she got me a book called “Why Paint Cats, the ethical implications of painting Cats” It was a cute and funny book, but as with most of the presents I got Christmas eve, it was all stuff I wanted out of my house immediately. I am on a quest in my life to lighten my load of material belongings, and these things would not help. Fortunately, at my aunt’s house on Christmas day, we play the “White Elephant Dice Game” so I wrapped up the gifts and added them to the mix. I was so pleased I did that. A little purse that I received was appreciated by someone, and the “Why Paint Cats” book got passed around quite a bit, and a “Red Hat Club” type aunt kept it, saying it would make a cute bathroom book. That pleased me to no end.
I had a wonderful time with my family. I spent part of the night bonding with my 5 year old cousin, who more than once said “Your not really a grown-up, you’re a kid.” I laughed at that to her mother, who suggested it is because I am her cousin, that is why she cant see me as a grown up. I liked that hypothesis. I pointed to our younger cousin and said “She isn’t a grown up either, right?” and my 5 year old cousin said “Yeah, she’s a grown up.” I am a responsible person, and I am always thinking about and analyzing grown-up things, so I suppose I will take it as a compliment. Children are able to see things that grown-ups cant, so if I am childlike, not childish, I will appreciate being unique in that way.
The best part of this family is the music. Not everyone’s family brings out a guitar and has a sing along. My 15 year old cousin is developing this amazing voice, it has a Natalie Merchant quality to it, but still very unique.
The music continued into the next day, at a Sushi party. I videotaped a lot of songs, which I think will be valuable in the future, I wish so much I had a recording of my mom singing. I was physically there for the party, but my brain was out of it. I have developed a chest cold, which now has a 101 degree fever. I am going to bed now, with a sore throat and a prayer that I will actually get some sleep tonight.
I hope everyone’s holiday was good!
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Christmas without my boyfriend
It's Christmas eve, and Christmas in Kenya, and I am trying to call my (still) boyfriend to wish him a Merry Christmas. This morning was Sunday, his day when he is least busy, and there was no call (I suspect this has something to do with money, since he hasn't called for weeks now.) As it has been throughout the time he has been gone, I can't get a hold of him. His phone is switched off, and he has no voicemail.
So this is a sign isn't it? Sure, I am 90% broken up with him in my mind, but we arent broken up yet! I suppose he is scared of me right now because my last 3 e-mails have been angry, but its CHRISTMAS, if he wanted to try to win me, the least he might do is send me a Christmas e-mail.
A Christmas e-mail, that's not too much to ask, is it? I really have to break up with him, don't I?
So this is a sign isn't it? Sure, I am 90% broken up with him in my mind, but we arent broken up yet! I suppose he is scared of me right now because my last 3 e-mails have been angry, but its CHRISTMAS, if he wanted to try to win me, the least he might do is send me a Christmas e-mail.
A Christmas e-mail, that's not too much to ask, is it? I really have to break up with him, don't I?
Inevitable
I have been doing very well in taking care of myself these last few days. I have made low fat choices and excercised daily, and I have felt really good as a result of it.
I have figured out a better word than "crush" to describe my feelings about trainer Derek. He is less of a crush, and more of a "muse." His body is an exageratted symbol of exercise. I wont say "health" because to have a body like his I think you need steroids, but his body is obviously a result of a lot of exercise and low-fat foods.
At first I was a little upset by the fact that he was flirting so hard with me, but now I appreciate it. It feels so good to have someone be so overt. Sure, it might have something to do with putting artificial testosterone in his bloodstream so he is so horny he might burst at any minute, but it still feels good to receive the attention.
It's been a long time since I have felt that strong sexual draw. I want to feel that again. No, Derek is not the one for me, and I am not so unrealistic to think that he would honestly be interested in me, I mean, I am like 30% fat, LOL. But I want to feel that. I want that lust. I want to be in a relationship that has personal connection, but also that magnetic draw.
And I also can see that I really want a man who is interested in health. I have my babies to consider here. I want chicken breast and vegetables with brown rice to be the norm in my household, not fatty, high cholesterol foods. Again, Derek is not an example of someone interested in health, if he takes steroids, but he is a symbol of a man practicing some healthy behaviors.
So thank goodness I have found this effective muse in Derek. But it's really not about Derek. He is a catalyst. In 2002 I was non-functioning and suicidal. Then I worked my way up to being functional, but still with suicidal ideation. Now I have worked my way up to being not depressed, now the next step up is to thrive. I was on my way up there when Derek appeared.
Working out and eating well are things I want for myself, it was a matter of time that I would start doing them. Hell, I met Derek because I decided to join the gym he works at. So he is not the reason I am suddenly taking off like a rocket, he is a tool I am using to accelerate the process of the inevitable.
It exites me. I can be a person who works out regularly and eats a healthy diet. I always wanted to be that person, I suppose I just didn't believe that could be me. But now I believe I can. I lost 20 pounds with Weight Watchers, so who says I can't lose 20 more? I used to work out in high school and college, so who says I can't do it now? I just have to believe that I am the person who lives that way. I guess thats what Derek did for me, he treated me like I already am that person. I liked how that felt.
It's not Derek making my life better, it's me making my life better by making better choices. It was a matter of time that I would discover that I can have the life that I envy in others if I make the right choices, but I am greatful to have been given the muse in Derek to set these events in motion.
I have figured out a better word than "crush" to describe my feelings about trainer Derek. He is less of a crush, and more of a "muse." His body is an exageratted symbol of exercise. I wont say "health" because to have a body like his I think you need steroids, but his body is obviously a result of a lot of exercise and low-fat foods.
At first I was a little upset by the fact that he was flirting so hard with me, but now I appreciate it. It feels so good to have someone be so overt. Sure, it might have something to do with putting artificial testosterone in his bloodstream so he is so horny he might burst at any minute, but it still feels good to receive the attention.
It's been a long time since I have felt that strong sexual draw. I want to feel that again. No, Derek is not the one for me, and I am not so unrealistic to think that he would honestly be interested in me, I mean, I am like 30% fat, LOL. But I want to feel that. I want that lust. I want to be in a relationship that has personal connection, but also that magnetic draw.
And I also can see that I really want a man who is interested in health. I have my babies to consider here. I want chicken breast and vegetables with brown rice to be the norm in my household, not fatty, high cholesterol foods. Again, Derek is not an example of someone interested in health, if he takes steroids, but he is a symbol of a man practicing some healthy behaviors.
So thank goodness I have found this effective muse in Derek. But it's really not about Derek. He is a catalyst. In 2002 I was non-functioning and suicidal. Then I worked my way up to being functional, but still with suicidal ideation. Now I have worked my way up to being not depressed, now the next step up is to thrive. I was on my way up there when Derek appeared.
Working out and eating well are things I want for myself, it was a matter of time that I would start doing them. Hell, I met Derek because I decided to join the gym he works at. So he is not the reason I am suddenly taking off like a rocket, he is a tool I am using to accelerate the process of the inevitable.
It exites me. I can be a person who works out regularly and eats a healthy diet. I always wanted to be that person, I suppose I just didn't believe that could be me. But now I believe I can. I lost 20 pounds with Weight Watchers, so who says I can't lose 20 more? I used to work out in high school and college, so who says I can't do it now? I just have to believe that I am the person who lives that way. I guess thats what Derek did for me, he treated me like I already am that person. I liked how that felt.
It's not Derek making my life better, it's me making my life better by making better choices. It was a matter of time that I would discover that I can have the life that I envy in others if I make the right choices, but I am greatful to have been given the muse in Derek to set these events in motion.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Eat enough, but not too much
Interesting...
Last night my last two flights were torture. I was so crabby. I got to the hotel room and I was still as crabby as I could remember ever being. I figured it was just the stress of a day of holiday flying.
But then, I made a small bag of low-fat popcorn and ate it, and the horrible edge disappeared. I simply hadn't eaten enough yesterday! I had a salad with chicken breast with no dressing, A grilled chicken sandwich with no mayo, a few pieces of fruit, a slice of peanut butter toast, and yogurt and coffee. I made great choices all day, I guess I just should have eaten a little more.
But it's good that I didn't eat too much! I woke up at 6:15 this morning on my own, ready to break the fast! Usually I can sleep until 11AM, but the mild hunger willed me awake :) And may I have a round of applause please? There were only pastries at the free hotel breakfast, so I passed it up and got a granola bar in the vending machine :) I'm really proud of how well I have been eating the last few days. That crush on Derek may be doing me some good :)
Last night my last two flights were torture. I was so crabby. I got to the hotel room and I was still as crabby as I could remember ever being. I figured it was just the stress of a day of holiday flying.
But then, I made a small bag of low-fat popcorn and ate it, and the horrible edge disappeared. I simply hadn't eaten enough yesterday! I had a salad with chicken breast with no dressing, A grilled chicken sandwich with no mayo, a few pieces of fruit, a slice of peanut butter toast, and yogurt and coffee. I made great choices all day, I guess I just should have eaten a little more.
But it's good that I didn't eat too much! I woke up at 6:15 this morning on my own, ready to break the fast! Usually I can sleep until 11AM, but the mild hunger willed me awake :) And may I have a round of applause please? There were only pastries at the free hotel breakfast, so I passed it up and got a granola bar in the vending machine :) I'm really proud of how well I have been eating the last few days. That crush on Derek may be doing me some good :)
Make an effort would you???
Charles is just letting me slip away. He is passively apoligizing "that I am frustrated" but isn't changing anything! He knows he might lose me but has sent me hardly an e-mail in response.
Oh my god, I cant believe it, we might break up! Not just might. I think we are going to break up. Oh my god.
I can't cry. I have this "strong" switch in me that is not helpful. I am numb to my feelings about it, which means I am just freezing up, and not allowing myself to mourn (or to give him another chance, for that matter.)
He is, in so many ways, the one for me. He is so much the one for me that I have been able to overlook the fact that I am not that physically attracted to him. He is attractive. Beautiful in fact. When laying in bed I just love to stare at his mouth. I wish so much I could put Charles' personality into another man's body. Well, not all of his personality. I would like to not include the part that puts me on the backburner.
There is no other answer. I really have to break up with him. That hurts. Its not just losing him that hurts, it's hurting him. He's my baby. And it will not feel good to go back to a life without cuddling :( He was the best cuddler in the world.
I have to do it. Him putting me on the backburner was a good thing, because if it didn't happen we may have gotten married in a year or two. You can't marry someone you don't have chemistry with. You just cant.
Oh shit. I can't believe this. I wish he was the one, because he felt like the one. But he's not.
I am so ready to settle down and get married. I am tired of being single. I loved having a boyfriend. I want babies and a house. This sucks.
Oh my god, I cant believe it, we might break up! Not just might. I think we are going to break up. Oh my god.
I can't cry. I have this "strong" switch in me that is not helpful. I am numb to my feelings about it, which means I am just freezing up, and not allowing myself to mourn (or to give him another chance, for that matter.)
He is, in so many ways, the one for me. He is so much the one for me that I have been able to overlook the fact that I am not that physically attracted to him. He is attractive. Beautiful in fact. When laying in bed I just love to stare at his mouth. I wish so much I could put Charles' personality into another man's body. Well, not all of his personality. I would like to not include the part that puts me on the backburner.
There is no other answer. I really have to break up with him. That hurts. Its not just losing him that hurts, it's hurting him. He's my baby. And it will not feel good to go back to a life without cuddling :( He was the best cuddler in the world.
I have to do it. Him putting me on the backburner was a good thing, because if it didn't happen we may have gotten married in a year or two. You can't marry someone you don't have chemistry with. You just cant.
Oh shit. I can't believe this. I wish he was the one, because he felt like the one. But he's not.
I am so ready to settle down and get married. I am tired of being single. I loved having a boyfriend. I want babies and a house. This sucks.
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