Tonight we went to a well known gay bar to see Hedwig and the Angry inch! It was alright, the actor was not nearly as loveable as John Cameron Mitchell, the writer and star of the movie.
Afterward we went dancing at the club. I made a new friend, "Ryan." I gave him my number, we had a lot of fun dancing together.
I am having a difficult time typing all of the letters, so I better quit and go to bed. I had fun, i haven't been dancing for ages.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Thursday, October 12, 2006
BRRRRRRR
I write this post from inside a tent made up of my down comforter on my bed.
It's coooold. It's 40 degrees outside and 62 degrees indoors. It will be warmer once the landlord has the radiators on full heat, puts in the storm windows, and I can put plastic sheeting on the windows.
What pisses me off is for some reason I feel like the cold apartment is my fault for putting up with it I guess. My roommate has said twice "I can't live like this." I agree, it's too cold, and I know it will get better, but it is always too cold in this house, except in the summer when it is too hot. But it is also really inexpensive in a really nice area in the city, so I feel like I should just deal with it, as much as I dislike it too.
I am worried Charles is going to feel the same way about this place. Why do I take it so personally? Why do people have to love the apartment as much as I do? I told her to wait until the storm windows are in and the plastic is up to make a decision, but I don't think the apartment gets THAT much better, I know I get annoyed by the heat and cold. But I am exceptionally good at putting up with unpleasantness. Is it learned helplessness from my adolecence with my alcoholic father? Could be.
It has not been a great day. I slept most of it, and ate the equivelent of 8 cookies worth of cookie dough. I am assuming it is leftover results of not having enough risperdal this week, and also feeling overwhelmed by projects I need to get done (not that many really) Maybe it's harder to get stuff done when I am freezing cold.
I am getting to bed earlier tonight, hopefuly tomorrow will be better
It's coooold. It's 40 degrees outside and 62 degrees indoors. It will be warmer once the landlord has the radiators on full heat, puts in the storm windows, and I can put plastic sheeting on the windows.
What pisses me off is for some reason I feel like the cold apartment is my fault for putting up with it I guess. My roommate has said twice "I can't live like this." I agree, it's too cold, and I know it will get better, but it is always too cold in this house, except in the summer when it is too hot. But it is also really inexpensive in a really nice area in the city, so I feel like I should just deal with it, as much as I dislike it too.
I am worried Charles is going to feel the same way about this place. Why do I take it so personally? Why do people have to love the apartment as much as I do? I told her to wait until the storm windows are in and the plastic is up to make a decision, but I don't think the apartment gets THAT much better, I know I get annoyed by the heat and cold. But I am exceptionally good at putting up with unpleasantness. Is it learned helplessness from my adolecence with my alcoholic father? Could be.
It has not been a great day. I slept most of it, and ate the equivelent of 8 cookies worth of cookie dough. I am assuming it is leftover results of not having enough risperdal this week, and also feeling overwhelmed by projects I need to get done (not that many really) Maybe it's harder to get stuff done when I am freezing cold.
I am getting to bed earlier tonight, hopefuly tomorrow will be better
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Happy Night :)
No, I did not have adequate Risperdal for the last three days, my body was aching like crazy and my crankiness had become the punchline of a joke (the crew kept adding "fucking" to everything they said, it was rally funny, even if it doesn't translate to the page.)
But I took the bus home, heard some street preacher while I sat for 20 minutes to transfer busses, but then when I got to Carrie's house, I was welcomed by the dome light of my car, I had clicked the unlock button from 3 houses away :)
I went to Carrie's house for awhile, Carrie, her husband, and I watched TV and ate popcorn, and after a few hours I went home...in my CAR! The whole way home I danced and sang the "I'm driving in my car" song. It goes... "I'm driving in my car, I'm not taking the bus, I'm driving in my car, that I own, yeeeeah!" It was a great song. At the stoplights I bopped my head around to an awesome pop song, and when I got home, there was a parking spot waiting for me in the back for me :) :) :)
Now I am home, I got to see my friend, minus the feeling of being a drain (having her drive me whenever I see her) and am cozy in my pyjamas in my house :) And tomorrow it is going to snow, but if I need to go anywhere I can just drive there, I wont have to wait for the bus in the cold :)
I am happy :)
But I took the bus home, heard some street preacher while I sat for 20 minutes to transfer busses, but then when I got to Carrie's house, I was welcomed by the dome light of my car, I had clicked the unlock button from 3 houses away :)
I went to Carrie's house for awhile, Carrie, her husband, and I watched TV and ate popcorn, and after a few hours I went home...in my CAR! The whole way home I danced and sang the "I'm driving in my car" song. It goes... "I'm driving in my car, I'm not taking the bus, I'm driving in my car, that I own, yeeeeah!" It was a great song. At the stoplights I bopped my head around to an awesome pop song, and when I got home, there was a parking spot waiting for me in the back for me :) :) :)
Now I am home, I got to see my friend, minus the feeling of being a drain (having her drive me whenever I see her) and am cozy in my pyjamas in my house :) And tomorrow it is going to snow, but if I need to go anywhere I can just drive there, I wont have to wait for the bus in the cold :)
I am happy :)
Monday, October 09, 2006
Life without risperdal
SO unsafe, but I have had only half doses of the Risperdal for the last two days. I sort my daily medications and vitamins in those M-F sorters, and I discovered I only had one Risperdal for the week! I split it in half, had half last night and half the night before, and tonight I will have none!
I don't think I am going to have seizures or anything, but I can definately feel the difference! It could be withdrawl that I feel, but I can really remember what it was like before I started Risperdal. Suffering through this trip makes me feel so much compassion for myself...no wonder I could accomplish so little- no wonder the job was so taxing...just existing was so tiring!
I hope I survive tomorrow okay. I will use this experience to appreciate my medications and what they do for me. I had this experience once with my lexapro, and I really missed it too. I feel so fortunate to have found these.
I don't think I am going to have seizures or anything, but I can definately feel the difference! It could be withdrawl that I feel, but I can really remember what it was like before I started Risperdal. Suffering through this trip makes me feel so much compassion for myself...no wonder I could accomplish so little- no wonder the job was so taxing...just existing was so tiring!
I hope I survive tomorrow okay. I will use this experience to appreciate my medications and what they do for me. I had this experience once with my lexapro, and I really missed it too. I feel so fortunate to have found these.
Friday, October 06, 2006
How Tera has changed me
Tonight my college friend Jane came to town. I baked a GEORGEOUS cake for her 1 year old (I should post a pic of it, it was great) and bought some books for her on behalf of myself and Carrie, our college friend. I should be writing about that experience, but instead I will write about the waitress who put a damper on my terrific mood tonight.
We went to one bar and ordered nachos and two drinks to cover the 3 of us. It was early in the evening and I am sure the waitress would have prefered that we had ordered dinner but she was friendly to us and didn't show it.
We then went to a sort of trendy bar/restaurant, we weren't dressed very fashionably, but we were excited to take Jane here so she could try the Sangria. We stood waiting for probably 40 minutes, there was no room in the bar area (I actually had to shove past an icky long haired man in a sportcoat, becuase he wouldn't move when I gently tapped him on the back.) But we finally got a table around 9:15PM.
The waitress seemed really nice, we liked her. We ordered a pitcher of Sangria right away, and tried to decide what we wanted. We could only come up with one thing, an enchilada, so we asked for her to put that in until we could decide on more. When she came back to the table, maybe when we were half finished with the enchilada she asked if we were ready to put something else in. We declined and asked for a dessert menu. The moment we said we didn't want more to eat the snottiest look crossed her face, Jane said she actually rolled her eyes. When we declined dessert and asked for the check she snatched up half of the menus and stomped away like a toddler having a temper tantrum.
Mind you, I waitressed for nearly 10 years. I ALWAYS over tip. But I wasn't having it. Since being treated like I was by Tera, I don't even want to be mistaken for a pushover anymore...I just can't stand being mistreated. At first I suggested stiffing her. But then I said "Stiffing her says I'm a cheap bastard, 10% says she sucks" Not only did we tip 10%, I made a point to calculate 10% on the bill so she knew it wasn't a mistake.
She came to pick up the bill before we had even left, in fact it was probably 5 minutes after we got the check (Jane pointed out that she didn't even ask us if we were ready, she just came and picked it up) When she got to the table I started silently cracking up laughing, my face was blocked by Jane so it wasn't like I was laughing in her face. Carrie said her jaw literally dropped when she saw it. Then, when she got to the computer she turned around and looked at us, at this point I am sure she saw me laughing, and swiped her card angrily through the machine.
This isn't the way I used to be. I used to not believe in getting angry, but to feel compassion instead. I suppose she could have been having a bad day but I had been having a great day, and her snotty look when we had done NOTHING inconsiderate (for the love of god- its 9 PM on Friday night...dinner is over sweetie!) the look put a damper on a very pleasant evening. To give the meanness right back to her felt great-and thats just not the way I have ever been. And it's not like giving 10% is being mean anyway. In our state waitstaff gets minimum wage, tips are on top of it. "TIPS" stands for "To Insure Proper Service" and so why reward her "you didn't order enough" look with extra money? I make half of what she does, and I am still nice to everyone, I may get impatient, but I make an effort to stay nice.
Now that I write this I feel a little bad. Not for the tip, but for laughing at her. Did she deserve it? Hell yeah. Does that mean I should have done it? No. Two wrongs don't make a right.
In the end I think the lesson is to just treat people well. Maybe that sort of thinking isn't practiced in trendy fusion restaurants, and maybe I don't want to be places like that anymore. I really liked that place, but now I feel really unwelcome there. I really feel for black people and immigrants who I know (from observing my waitstaff co-workers) go through this all the time. People should be able to go out and enjoy themselves without being judged and prejudged by the people who supposedly make their living in service.
One upside of the night...I drank 3 drinks and feel anything but inebriated. But I still left my car at Carrie's house instead of driving home, because I am still out of practice driving. I am really proud of myself for my restraint.
Wishing you kind treatment...goodnight
We went to one bar and ordered nachos and two drinks to cover the 3 of us. It was early in the evening and I am sure the waitress would have prefered that we had ordered dinner but she was friendly to us and didn't show it.
We then went to a sort of trendy bar/restaurant, we weren't dressed very fashionably, but we were excited to take Jane here so she could try the Sangria. We stood waiting for probably 40 minutes, there was no room in the bar area (I actually had to shove past an icky long haired man in a sportcoat, becuase he wouldn't move when I gently tapped him on the back.) But we finally got a table around 9:15PM.
The waitress seemed really nice, we liked her. We ordered a pitcher of Sangria right away, and tried to decide what we wanted. We could only come up with one thing, an enchilada, so we asked for her to put that in until we could decide on more. When she came back to the table, maybe when we were half finished with the enchilada she asked if we were ready to put something else in. We declined and asked for a dessert menu. The moment we said we didn't want more to eat the snottiest look crossed her face, Jane said she actually rolled her eyes. When we declined dessert and asked for the check she snatched up half of the menus and stomped away like a toddler having a temper tantrum.
Mind you, I waitressed for nearly 10 years. I ALWAYS over tip. But I wasn't having it. Since being treated like I was by Tera, I don't even want to be mistaken for a pushover anymore...I just can't stand being mistreated. At first I suggested stiffing her. But then I said "Stiffing her says I'm a cheap bastard, 10% says she sucks" Not only did we tip 10%, I made a point to calculate 10% on the bill so she knew it wasn't a mistake.
She came to pick up the bill before we had even left, in fact it was probably 5 minutes after we got the check (Jane pointed out that she didn't even ask us if we were ready, she just came and picked it up) When she got to the table I started silently cracking up laughing, my face was blocked by Jane so it wasn't like I was laughing in her face. Carrie said her jaw literally dropped when she saw it. Then, when she got to the computer she turned around and looked at us, at this point I am sure she saw me laughing, and swiped her card angrily through the machine.
This isn't the way I used to be. I used to not believe in getting angry, but to feel compassion instead. I suppose she could have been having a bad day but I had been having a great day, and her snotty look when we had done NOTHING inconsiderate (for the love of god- its 9 PM on Friday night...dinner is over sweetie!) the look put a damper on a very pleasant evening. To give the meanness right back to her felt great-and thats just not the way I have ever been. And it's not like giving 10% is being mean anyway. In our state waitstaff gets minimum wage, tips are on top of it. "TIPS" stands for "To Insure Proper Service" and so why reward her "you didn't order enough" look with extra money? I make half of what she does, and I am still nice to everyone, I may get impatient, but I make an effort to stay nice.
Now that I write this I feel a little bad. Not for the tip, but for laughing at her. Did she deserve it? Hell yeah. Does that mean I should have done it? No. Two wrongs don't make a right.
In the end I think the lesson is to just treat people well. Maybe that sort of thinking isn't practiced in trendy fusion restaurants, and maybe I don't want to be places like that anymore. I really liked that place, but now I feel really unwelcome there. I really feel for black people and immigrants who I know (from observing my waitstaff co-workers) go through this all the time. People should be able to go out and enjoy themselves without being judged and prejudged by the people who supposedly make their living in service.
One upside of the night...I drank 3 drinks and feel anything but inebriated. But I still left my car at Carrie's house instead of driving home, because I am still out of practice driving. I am really proud of myself for my restraint.
Wishing you kind treatment...goodnight
Thursday, October 05, 2006
I bought a car
Yup, I got one.
I don't feel exceedingly happy about it, I feel tense instead. I think that is okay. I think it is a sign that I recognize that having a car is a responsibility (something I didn't recognize when I was younger) so I know I will be careful.
I am TIRED. This car buying process was a nightmare for me, so I am glad it's over. And I hope it is over, what if something is wrong with it, could be, so I am not willing to get excited yet for that reason either.
Whew.
I don't feel exceedingly happy about it, I feel tense instead. I think that is okay. I think it is a sign that I recognize that having a car is a responsibility (something I didn't recognize when I was younger) so I know I will be careful.
I am TIRED. This car buying process was a nightmare for me, so I am glad it's over. And I hope it is over, what if something is wrong with it, could be, so I am not willing to get excited yet for that reason either.
Whew.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Terrorist Video
I am more creeped out than ever by seeing this video of Mohammad Atta and another terrorist sitting and smiling.
Most photos and videos we see fit into the mindset that the people who commit terrorist acts are brainwashed nutjobs. On the video they lacked goony and menacing expressions, minus the funny beards they looked like anyone you would see in the United States.
Creepy
Most photos and videos we see fit into the mindset that the people who commit terrorist acts are brainwashed nutjobs. On the video they lacked goony and menacing expressions, minus the funny beards they looked like anyone you would see in the United States.
Creepy
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Loser
At my last two weight watchers meetings I have gained weight. It wasn't that what i was doing wasn't working, it was because I wasn't trying. I have eaten a tub of ice cream in two days, half a pan of banana bread in one day, and twice I have eaten nachos in Detroit.
I think I have begun to get back into the swing of things, I am tracking my points again (even though I am 40 points over for the week) and I am starting to make better food choices. I will not get down on myself that I am not back in the program 100%, because forgiving myself regularly is what helped me lose the 16 pounds.
I came up with an idea on the airplane when looking at a picture of a girl in a tank top. Tank tops were really in this summer, and I was thinking about how nice it would be to have some time to prepare for a figure baring trend like tank tops. I thought about it and realized what a blessing winter is going to be! It is seven months to be wrapped in a more flattering cocoon, and then in summer, I can remove the coverings to show I have developed into a toned-armed butterfly!
I have decided that my goal is to get to 170 by my birthday, May 24. 170 is a few pounds over the Weight Watchers lifetime member weight (the weight in which you can go to meetings for free.) If I want to reach this weight by my birthday, I will have to lose .8 lbs a week, that is a reasonable goal, but hard enough that I will have to work for it.
Another goal I have is to lose a noticeable amount of weight before Charles gets back from Kenya. I am not sure why I want to lose that, since he doesn't necessarily think thinner is sexier. Maybe I want to turn heads so people will think “He has a pretty girlfriend.” Maybe I want to be really confident and really free to be myself. I KNOW I am with the man I would choose, even if I had more to choose from, maybe this is the way to prove it to myself. Most likely is, I am with a man who loves me. He doesn't want me to change myself, he loves me just the way I am. Now I feel free enough that I can be just as sexy as it is possible for me to be, and I will know he doesn't just love me because of the way I look. I hope he will like how I look as I lose weight, but even if he doesn't I know he will still love me.
One thing that I think will really help my weight is Tera is coming tomorrow! She is coming to get her stuff AND to bring me a check! I am SOOOOO happy to not have to do a lawsuit, and I know this awful stress being gone will help me get my focus back and cut down on my anxiety eating.
OH MY GOD I AM SO HAPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I just know it, I'm going to be a loser.
I think I have begun to get back into the swing of things, I am tracking my points again (even though I am 40 points over for the week) and I am starting to make better food choices. I will not get down on myself that I am not back in the program 100%, because forgiving myself regularly is what helped me lose the 16 pounds.
I came up with an idea on the airplane when looking at a picture of a girl in a tank top. Tank tops were really in this summer, and I was thinking about how nice it would be to have some time to prepare for a figure baring trend like tank tops. I thought about it and realized what a blessing winter is going to be! It is seven months to be wrapped in a more flattering cocoon, and then in summer, I can remove the coverings to show I have developed into a toned-armed butterfly!
I have decided that my goal is to get to 170 by my birthday, May 24. 170 is a few pounds over the Weight Watchers lifetime member weight (the weight in which you can go to meetings for free.) If I want to reach this weight by my birthday, I will have to lose .8 lbs a week, that is a reasonable goal, but hard enough that I will have to work for it.
Another goal I have is to lose a noticeable amount of weight before Charles gets back from Kenya. I am not sure why I want to lose that, since he doesn't necessarily think thinner is sexier. Maybe I want to turn heads so people will think “He has a pretty girlfriend.” Maybe I want to be really confident and really free to be myself. I KNOW I am with the man I would choose, even if I had more to choose from, maybe this is the way to prove it to myself. Most likely is, I am with a man who loves me. He doesn't want me to change myself, he loves me just the way I am. Now I feel free enough that I can be just as sexy as it is possible for me to be, and I will know he doesn't just love me because of the way I look. I hope he will like how I look as I lose weight, but even if he doesn't I know he will still love me.
One thing that I think will really help my weight is Tera is coming tomorrow! She is coming to get her stuff AND to bring me a check! I am SOOOOO happy to not have to do a lawsuit, and I know this awful stress being gone will help me get my focus back and cut down on my anxiety eating.
OH MY GOD I AM SO HAPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I just know it, I'm going to be a loser.
Friday, September 22, 2006
In a panic
This is good news- really it is- after over 5 years of not owning a car (the last few by choice) I have been approved for a car loan. But now I have to pick one! And I only have 30 days to do it! (Less now)
AAAAHHHHH! What I really want is a Corolla 2000 or newer, with about 80,000 miles for under 8,000. I actually did find one, it looks pretty good, so now I have to go snatch it up before I am too late. (It is Saturday tomorrow, I wont be able to get the cashier's check until I get back from my trip- wednesday) If the car is as good as it seems, than I bet I will lose it.
Of course I am still stressed about Tera's stuff being here STILL. I am going to take her to court, for money she owes me, which I am going to add 1/3 of september's rent, because she has left her stuff here.
And I am worried about my weight & eating habits. I have not started tracking my Weight Watchers points yet, and I have gone crazy and eaten a half gallon of ice cream. It is pretty funny when I say it, but it is also quite sad. There is no other word for that than a binge. It had a control over me, and I didn't even enjoy it that much. I think I have it under control, but I am sure I will have gained at least a pound from that.
I think the core of all this stress is from Tera. I feel no sense of closure, I have a big queen sized bed leaning against the wall in my bedroom for God's sake! What really makes me feel bad is I take pleasure in knowing she is going through as much, if not more, anxiety than I am. I don't want to dislike anyone so much that I wish them pain. She has just caused me so much pain, when I have been so damn sweet, I just feel bitter.
I am hopeful that I can relax a bit. I just got a heartrate monitor, maybe I should take up running again. I could use it, if not for stress relief, to work off all that Ice cream.
AAAAHHHHH! What I really want is a Corolla 2000 or newer, with about 80,000 miles for under 8,000. I actually did find one, it looks pretty good, so now I have to go snatch it up before I am too late. (It is Saturday tomorrow, I wont be able to get the cashier's check until I get back from my trip- wednesday) If the car is as good as it seems, than I bet I will lose it.
Of course I am still stressed about Tera's stuff being here STILL. I am going to take her to court, for money she owes me, which I am going to add 1/3 of september's rent, because she has left her stuff here.
And I am worried about my weight & eating habits. I have not started tracking my Weight Watchers points yet, and I have gone crazy and eaten a half gallon of ice cream. It is pretty funny when I say it, but it is also quite sad. There is no other word for that than a binge. It had a control over me, and I didn't even enjoy it that much. I think I have it under control, but I am sure I will have gained at least a pound from that.
I think the core of all this stress is from Tera. I feel no sense of closure, I have a big queen sized bed leaning against the wall in my bedroom for God's sake! What really makes me feel bad is I take pleasure in knowing she is going through as much, if not more, anxiety than I am. I don't want to dislike anyone so much that I wish them pain. She has just caused me so much pain, when I have been so damn sweet, I just feel bitter.
I am hopeful that I can relax a bit. I just got a heartrate monitor, maybe I should take up running again. I could use it, if not for stress relief, to work off all that Ice cream.
I'm DEAD sexaay!
Geez! I can't take my eyes off myself! I think I am SOOOO pretty!
That is a very good feeling, but one that wont last forever if I continue my eating habits of the last two days, I have eaten a carton of ice cream, by myself, between today and yesterday.
I am so happy with my results of making healthy choices, I really have to get back into that pattern...I want to continue to love what I see when I look in the mirror!
PS- I talked to charles this morning :) :) :) :)
That is a very good feeling, but one that wont last forever if I continue my eating habits of the last two days, I have eaten a carton of ice cream, by myself, between today and yesterday.
I am so happy with my results of making healthy choices, I really have to get back into that pattern...I want to continue to love what I see when I look in the mirror!
PS- I talked to charles this morning :) :) :) :)
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Poor me- I don't think I need to lose weight
I have lost a good 16 pounds with weight watchers. Not only have I lost weight from my healthier eating and moving more, my depression has improved immensely. But heres the problem, since I went from 210 to 185 in a couple of months, I think I look damn good. I don't feel like I am fat anymore. Poor me.
I figured out the key to losing weight, you have to want to lose weight more then you want the behaviors that keep you fat. I wanted to lose weight so much that I was willing to record everything I ate, eat less and healthier foods, and exercise more. But here is the problem now, I dont care if I lose weight right now, so I am not recording what I eat, and therefore I am sure I am eating more, and less healthily.
One strategy I could employ is that I stay with Weight watchers, but just make my goal to maintian my weight. That is sortof what I am doing now, but I am not doing much to keep my focus. Another strategy is to quit weight watchers, and work to maintain my weight. This would save me $40 a month, but I might be more likely to put weight back on. The last strategy is to stay in weight watchers and care about losing weight again, but how? I DONT want to try to feel bad about myself again, I like looking in the mirror and seeing a pretty girl looking back, why would I want to change my opinion about that?
I know that I still have too much fat on my body. It is hard on the body to have too much fat, and it is VERY bad for my depression! It makes me feel more tired, and energy is very hard to come by when you have depression, and the foods that lead to being overweight also contribute to depression (fat & sugar.) Perhaps depression should be my motivator for weight loss, that if I lose weight I will be less depressed. But even that is difficult, since I am not feeling very depressed lately!
Of problems to have, feeling like I am attractive, and not feeling depressed are pretty good, but I deserve to be as healthy as I can be! Just because my depresson is in remission doesn't mean that it wont return as the unhealthy behaviors return.
UPDATE----
I went to my weight watchers meeting today, I gained 2 & 1/2 lbs in a week! I DO need to go to the meetings, and I DO need to work towards losing more- If I don't- I will gain it all back!!! I think my motivation may be back- I sure hope so!
I figured out the key to losing weight, you have to want to lose weight more then you want the behaviors that keep you fat. I wanted to lose weight so much that I was willing to record everything I ate, eat less and healthier foods, and exercise more. But here is the problem now, I dont care if I lose weight right now, so I am not recording what I eat, and therefore I am sure I am eating more, and less healthily.
One strategy I could employ is that I stay with Weight watchers, but just make my goal to maintian my weight. That is sortof what I am doing now, but I am not doing much to keep my focus. Another strategy is to quit weight watchers, and work to maintain my weight. This would save me $40 a month, but I might be more likely to put weight back on. The last strategy is to stay in weight watchers and care about losing weight again, but how? I DONT want to try to feel bad about myself again, I like looking in the mirror and seeing a pretty girl looking back, why would I want to change my opinion about that?
I know that I still have too much fat on my body. It is hard on the body to have too much fat, and it is VERY bad for my depression! It makes me feel more tired, and energy is very hard to come by when you have depression, and the foods that lead to being overweight also contribute to depression (fat & sugar.) Perhaps depression should be my motivator for weight loss, that if I lose weight I will be less depressed. But even that is difficult, since I am not feeling very depressed lately!
Of problems to have, feeling like I am attractive, and not feeling depressed are pretty good, but I deserve to be as healthy as I can be! Just because my depresson is in remission doesn't mean that it wont return as the unhealthy behaviors return.
UPDATE----
I went to my weight watchers meeting today, I gained 2 & 1/2 lbs in a week! I DO need to go to the meetings, and I DO need to work towards losing more- If I don't- I will gain it all back!!! I think my motivation may be back- I sure hope so!
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
I don't do "mean"
I am no good at being mean. Today I hung out with the pilots (we had a new FO) and, in response to a crack yesterday about Hillary Clinton, I started picking on the Captian about being a Republican.
I was pretty good. I made unfair cracks...you know the same kind of generalizations and misrepresentations that are put on Liberals all the time. I sort of think I might have offended him.
I did say "I am just giving you shit" (something we have done all trip) and I said "remember-you started it" and I am sure he is not in his room still thinking about it (this was hours ago) but here I am, thinking about it.
I felt yucky. I hate to imagine that I upset him. He is a very nice, fun, and sweet guy. Only now is the sort-of sick feeling going away.
I just don't do mean. If I had been fair and sensitive, you know not saying things like "well you know how Republicans don't have compassion" I would probably feel fine about it all. And I have to be careful if I apoligize, because I can't make it sound like I am apologizing for my beliefs. But I didn't want to upset him, I only wanted to jab at him in a playful way.
I'm not a wuss, just a softee.
I was pretty good. I made unfair cracks...you know the same kind of generalizations and misrepresentations that are put on Liberals all the time. I sort of think I might have offended him.
I did say "I am just giving you shit" (something we have done all trip) and I said "remember-you started it" and I am sure he is not in his room still thinking about it (this was hours ago) but here I am, thinking about it.
I felt yucky. I hate to imagine that I upset him. He is a very nice, fun, and sweet guy. Only now is the sort-of sick feeling going away.
I just don't do mean. If I had been fair and sensitive, you know not saying things like "well you know how Republicans don't have compassion" I would probably feel fine about it all. And I have to be careful if I apoligize, because I can't make it sound like I am apologizing for my beliefs. But I didn't want to upset him, I only wanted to jab at him in a playful way.
I'm not a wuss, just a softee.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Examining Boundaries
Tonight I got a lesson about the boundaries I discussed with my therapist this week.
The first officer I am flying with is weird, but I like him. He called to get dinner, the Captain said no, and I felt sort of bad, even though I already ate, so I agreed to come while he eats to have a drink.
Not too long into our conversation I learned that his fiance and him just broke up. 20 minuites later I learn he grew up in foster care. By the end of the night I learned that his wife cheated on him and that in the last month he blew his life savings in a stock market deal.
Now I was able to recognize that these are the unhealthy boundaries that my therapist was telling me about. The desire for conversations to be serious and intimate, and not taking the time for them to develop into that. The healthy thing to do would have been to gently steer the conversation into less personal territory, but I let it happen, because I enjoyed the opportunity to share what I see as my "gift" of turning negatives into positives. I felt like I had an "in" where I could help someone, and so I participated in an unhealthy boundaries conversation.
Poor guy, he really is hurting. He soaked up my attention and caring words, and I relished giving them to him. I am glad I have a boyfriend, because this guy is the kind you want to take home and nurse (very cute, good sob story- foster homes and everything.)
I think I can see my boundaries getting healthier. Yes, I participated in an unhealthy conversation, but I was FULLY aware of it the entire time. Next time I won't fall into it so easy. I can see that a combination of my heart and my ego make me slide right into something like that, but now I know that it isn't really healthy.
And anyway, part of being unhealthy is you are used to it, so you keep other unhealthy people in your life...they are who you relate to. I know that I love the role of surragate mama, I just want to take every wounded person and rock them, pet their head, and say shhhhhhhh. I did it tonight, minus the cuddles, but I know I will have to channel those feelings differently.
The first officer I am flying with is weird, but I like him. He called to get dinner, the Captain said no, and I felt sort of bad, even though I already ate, so I agreed to come while he eats to have a drink.
Not too long into our conversation I learned that his fiance and him just broke up. 20 minuites later I learn he grew up in foster care. By the end of the night I learned that his wife cheated on him and that in the last month he blew his life savings in a stock market deal.
Now I was able to recognize that these are the unhealthy boundaries that my therapist was telling me about. The desire for conversations to be serious and intimate, and not taking the time for them to develop into that. The healthy thing to do would have been to gently steer the conversation into less personal territory, but I let it happen, because I enjoyed the opportunity to share what I see as my "gift" of turning negatives into positives. I felt like I had an "in" where I could help someone, and so I participated in an unhealthy boundaries conversation.
Poor guy, he really is hurting. He soaked up my attention and caring words, and I relished giving them to him. I am glad I have a boyfriend, because this guy is the kind you want to take home and nurse (very cute, good sob story- foster homes and everything.)
I think I can see my boundaries getting healthier. Yes, I participated in an unhealthy conversation, but I was FULLY aware of it the entire time. Next time I won't fall into it so easy. I can see that a combination of my heart and my ego make me slide right into something like that, but now I know that it isn't really healthy.
And anyway, part of being unhealthy is you are used to it, so you keep other unhealthy people in your life...they are who you relate to. I know that I love the role of surragate mama, I just want to take every wounded person and rock them, pet their head, and say shhhhhhhh. I did it tonight, minus the cuddles, but I know I will have to channel those feelings differently.
Secret Confession
I can't believe I am going to admit this...
My favorite show on television...is it...Project Runway?
nope.
is it...Clean House?
nope.
is it...Survivorman?
nope.
its...
Flavor of Love!
What the hell is wrong with me?
My favorite show on television...is it...Project Runway?
nope.
is it...Clean House?
nope.
is it...Survivorman?
nope.
its...
Flavor of Love!
What the hell is wrong with me?
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Therapy + Medication WORKS
Here I am, 4 years from the time when I was planning to KILL MYSELF...and I feel no depression or anxiety at this moment.
I feel like I can handle what life will throw at me.
I feel confident in who I am, proud of who I am, and deserving of good things.
Without therapy, I wouldn't have been able to change behaviors and perceptions that hurt me.
Without medication, I wouldn't have been able to do the work required in therapy.
I can't believe I am where I am now, I wouldn't have guessed it 4 years ago.
I feel like I can handle what life will throw at me.
I feel confident in who I am, proud of who I am, and deserving of good things.
Without therapy, I wouldn't have been able to change behaviors and perceptions that hurt me.
Without medication, I wouldn't have been able to do the work required in therapy.
I can't believe I am where I am now, I wouldn't have guessed it 4 years ago.
Girly Crush part 2
Last time I met with you I was describing how I really liked my new roommate, and wanted desperately to be her friend, but knew I had to make an effort not to scare her away.
What I didn't write was the angst I felt the next day, she had a friend over, and I felt intimidated. I just felt like she was cool, and I was a loser, as if I was in Jr. High or something. I felt like I was just weird, and she would end up hating me.
I went to my therapist last week, and told her about my situation. I told her I had realized my social skills were still not good, and that I needed to work on them.
I described my situation. I have a girly crush on my new roommate, but I am just certian she is going to hate me, or deem me not cool enough. Dr. T asked me some questions, and said I dont have bad social skills, I actually have very good social skills. She said what I need to work on is boundaries, and that boundaries are fun to work on.
I was so excited! I already knew boundaries were an issue with me. It felt good to have concrete things to work on, and that I shouldn't tone down my bubblyness, which is what I thought was the problem, that I was too bubbly and hyper, and that annoyed people.
Dr. T instructed me to mirror Jennifer, if it seemed like she wanted to talk, then talk, and if it seemed like she wanted to be alone then excuse myself. Jennifer seems very healthy, with healthy boundaries, so I can learn from her, not just in boundaries, but if I am impressed with qualities in her, why not emulate them in myself?
Well here is how it has gone...we have sort of made friends! And I feel confident in myself, I don't feel like the fact that we are friends lowers her to "my level" nor do I feel like I am faking, and that she will discover one day how lowly I am. These are both things I have felt in the past, as well as becoming stuck up. I feel good about the person I am right now, I REALLY think she is cool, and we are getting along.
We are even starting to relax and be a little goofy. I am so excited, and proud of myself. I am able to put my best foot forward, while remaining relaxed and natural. I feel I am getting a reward, a nice new friend, but I also feel worthy of a new friend, I think I am a nice reward for someone else too :)
What I didn't write was the angst I felt the next day, she had a friend over, and I felt intimidated. I just felt like she was cool, and I was a loser, as if I was in Jr. High or something. I felt like I was just weird, and she would end up hating me.
I went to my therapist last week, and told her about my situation. I told her I had realized my social skills were still not good, and that I needed to work on them.
I described my situation. I have a girly crush on my new roommate, but I am just certian she is going to hate me, or deem me not cool enough. Dr. T asked me some questions, and said I dont have bad social skills, I actually have very good social skills. She said what I need to work on is boundaries, and that boundaries are fun to work on.
I was so excited! I already knew boundaries were an issue with me. It felt good to have concrete things to work on, and that I shouldn't tone down my bubblyness, which is what I thought was the problem, that I was too bubbly and hyper, and that annoyed people.
Dr. T instructed me to mirror Jennifer, if it seemed like she wanted to talk, then talk, and if it seemed like she wanted to be alone then excuse myself. Jennifer seems very healthy, with healthy boundaries, so I can learn from her, not just in boundaries, but if I am impressed with qualities in her, why not emulate them in myself?
Well here is how it has gone...we have sort of made friends! And I feel confident in myself, I don't feel like the fact that we are friends lowers her to "my level" nor do I feel like I am faking, and that she will discover one day how lowly I am. These are both things I have felt in the past, as well as becoming stuck up. I feel good about the person I am right now, I REALLY think she is cool, and we are getting along.
We are even starting to relax and be a little goofy. I am so excited, and proud of myself. I am able to put my best foot forward, while remaining relaxed and natural. I feel I am getting a reward, a nice new friend, but I also feel worthy of a new friend, I think I am a nice reward for someone else too :)
Monday, September 11, 2006
Clean slate, new rules
I haven't written yet about my new roommate. Hmmm, what should I call her? I will call her Jennifer. I have a girly-crush on Jennifer. If you don't know what a girly crush is, it is when a girl likes a girl in a way that they want to be BFFs with them.
There have been many times that I have had girly crushes on girls and have scared or annoyed them away. But one time in particular that I got to become BFFs with girly crushes was with Carrie and Jane, and sweet-stay-at-home mommy, all from the college that I went to in the north of my state. I think to become friends with Jennifer I will have to follow the suggestion I had to tell myself when dealing with Carrie and Jane...BACK OFF.
So what am I going to do differently with Jennifer than I do with so many others? Number 1: SAY LESS. I talk a lot. I share, for some abnoxious reason, the little thoughts that cross my mind, like “god I LOVE veggie sandwiches” who cares? Unless I think it is an important tidbit of information, or that it will spark an interesting conversation, there is no need for it.
Number 2: Behave as if you have some self-esteem. Who wants to be friends with the most insecure girl in the world? I need to STOP with the disclaimers before every sentence “ this is going off in a tangent” ; “this might be TMI” If it is going off in a tangent, or is TMI, don't say it! Behave as if I am as good as her (of course I am, but since she has hardly any stuff, has traveled the world, and does yoga all the time, I want to be like her, and it puts me on edge a bit)
Number 3: Be attractive. There is a psychological thing with friendships. We want to be around people that represent us positively. It isn't superficial unless you only choose friends who are attractive. But it's just something built in. So brush my teeth the moment I get up, not after lunch LOL. And at least pull myself together enough that I don't look like I just rolled out of bed at 3 PM.
Number 4: Be my funny, loveable self. I am fun, I really am, but sometimes I am just so serious! I need to crack jokes like I do with my pilots, instead of bringing up all of the terrible things going on in our country and the world. Heard of Debbie Downer? That's TOTALLY me!
Number 5: Don't shower her with attention and unsoliceted favors. I do this to people because it just feels so good. “Maybe Jennifer could use these push pins, I will set them out for her” It may be coming from a good place, but it can make people uncomfortable. I am embarrassed to admit this, but maybe I also do it because I want so desperately to be liked. “You can't dislike me...look how nice I am to you” It is fine to do little things here and there, but just like with a man, too much is too much. (Thank goodness Charles and I are so well balanced in the sweetness, I can dote on him as much as I want, he dotes back and doesn't take me for granted)
Number 6: This fits in the “Don't be a Debbie Downer” category...HEY! DIANA! Don't tell your life story, past, present and future. It's fine, in little snippets, OVER TIME, and when asked, but you do not need to put your whole life and character on the table right away, it is not only unnecessary, it is socially inappropriate.
I love my job because I have so much social practice. I get to leave a flight crew after a week, so if I say or do something dumb they will probably forget it by the next time I fly with them. And if I say something dumb or too informal to a passenger, I never have to face them again. I should look at my high roommate turnover as a fortunate thing, I am getting to learn social lessons, and having a chance with someone new, so I don't make them again. And look at Emma and I. We are friends now. I hated her when I lived with her, but I must have learned something from past roommates and botched friend making attempts, because she calls me and asks me to do things.
So don't screw this up Diana. This feels a lot like I have just met a new guy, but maybe that's the focus one should have when making a new friend. In fact, I think my lack of focus and discipline is one thing that has kept me from getting the guys as high-quality as Charles, as well as becoming close friends with the girls I thought were really cool. I would volunteer too much too soon, be too intense, and not make enough of an effort on my image.
Mood: hopeful
There have been many times that I have had girly crushes on girls and have scared or annoyed them away. But one time in particular that I got to become BFFs with girly crushes was with Carrie and Jane, and sweet-stay-at-home mommy, all from the college that I went to in the north of my state. I think to become friends with Jennifer I will have to follow the suggestion I had to tell myself when dealing with Carrie and Jane...BACK OFF.
So what am I going to do differently with Jennifer than I do with so many others? Number 1: SAY LESS. I talk a lot. I share, for some abnoxious reason, the little thoughts that cross my mind, like “god I LOVE veggie sandwiches” who cares? Unless I think it is an important tidbit of information, or that it will spark an interesting conversation, there is no need for it.
Number 2: Behave as if you have some self-esteem. Who wants to be friends with the most insecure girl in the world? I need to STOP with the disclaimers before every sentence “ this is going off in a tangent” ; “this might be TMI” If it is going off in a tangent, or is TMI, don't say it! Behave as if I am as good as her (of course I am, but since she has hardly any stuff, has traveled the world, and does yoga all the time, I want to be like her, and it puts me on edge a bit)
Number 3: Be attractive. There is a psychological thing with friendships. We want to be around people that represent us positively. It isn't superficial unless you only choose friends who are attractive. But it's just something built in. So brush my teeth the moment I get up, not after lunch LOL. And at least pull myself together enough that I don't look like I just rolled out of bed at 3 PM.
Number 4: Be my funny, loveable self. I am fun, I really am, but sometimes I am just so serious! I need to crack jokes like I do with my pilots, instead of bringing up all of the terrible things going on in our country and the world. Heard of Debbie Downer? That's TOTALLY me!
Number 5: Don't shower her with attention and unsoliceted favors. I do this to people because it just feels so good. “Maybe Jennifer could use these push pins, I will set them out for her” It may be coming from a good place, but it can make people uncomfortable. I am embarrassed to admit this, but maybe I also do it because I want so desperately to be liked. “You can't dislike me...look how nice I am to you” It is fine to do little things here and there, but just like with a man, too much is too much. (Thank goodness Charles and I are so well balanced in the sweetness, I can dote on him as much as I want, he dotes back and doesn't take me for granted)
Number 6: This fits in the “Don't be a Debbie Downer” category...HEY! DIANA! Don't tell your life story, past, present and future. It's fine, in little snippets, OVER TIME, and when asked, but you do not need to put your whole life and character on the table right away, it is not only unnecessary, it is socially inappropriate.
I love my job because I have so much social practice. I get to leave a flight crew after a week, so if I say or do something dumb they will probably forget it by the next time I fly with them. And if I say something dumb or too informal to a passenger, I never have to face them again. I should look at my high roommate turnover as a fortunate thing, I am getting to learn social lessons, and having a chance with someone new, so I don't make them again. And look at Emma and I. We are friends now. I hated her when I lived with her, but I must have learned something from past roommates and botched friend making attempts, because she calls me and asks me to do things.
So don't screw this up Diana. This feels a lot like I have just met a new guy, but maybe that's the focus one should have when making a new friend. In fact, I think my lack of focus and discipline is one thing that has kept me from getting the guys as high-quality as Charles, as well as becoming close friends with the girls I thought were really cool. I would volunteer too much too soon, be too intense, and not make enough of an effort on my image.
Mood: hopeful
Sunday, September 10, 2006
I feel baaaaaaaaaad
I just met a nice man on the plane. If I wasn't with Charles I would be interested in him. I made a point to leave my computer in his eyesight so he would see Charles' picture on the screen. I told him “I have a boyfriend” but he did give me his card, and I did give him my e-mail address. Then, he invited me to have breakfast in the airport. I said “only if it is in a friendly way” which he claimed it was, but in the end I still felt bad.
We didn't have breakfast or coffee, his friend showed up early and I said it would be silly for him to buy me some coffee and leave. The captain saw me and gave me a “you devil” look. And now they just asked what I am doing right now. I told them I am (I feel so nerdy) blogging, because I feel bad that I agreed to have breakfast with someone when I have a boyfriend. They both thought it was no big deal...that makes me feel better.
I was chatting with someone about temptation the other day, and I said I don't feel tempted. But as time goes on I guess I do feel lonely with him so far, and unable to communicate much, so the temptation is increasing. Right now there is an Italian/Latin type who is making me weak on the plane (I am finishing this on the plane now :) ) so although I am not worried I will cheat, there is a big temptation to flirt, like I did with the man I met today.
We didn't have breakfast or coffee, his friend showed up early and I said it would be silly for him to buy me some coffee and leave. The captain saw me and gave me a “you devil” look. And now they just asked what I am doing right now. I told them I am (I feel so nerdy) blogging, because I feel bad that I agreed to have breakfast with someone when I have a boyfriend. They both thought it was no big deal...that makes me feel better.
I was chatting with someone about temptation the other day, and I said I don't feel tempted. But as time goes on I guess I do feel lonely with him so far, and unable to communicate much, so the temptation is increasing. Right now there is an Italian/Latin type who is making me weak on the plane (I am finishing this on the plane now :) ) so although I am not worried I will cheat, there is a big temptation to flirt, like I did with the man I met today.
How to have an airline overnight
When arriving to hotel room, instead of turning on TV, turn on laptop
Immediately take off uniform, spray with water, and hang
Set Alarm, prepare coffee maker for morning
Take medication right away, to allow sedation effects to kick in
Instead of waiting until tired, wash face and brush teeth right away
Do 20 minutes of Yoga DVD
Instead of tossing & turning in bed, thinking about life problems, read a book until eyes are heavy
Sleep 6 or more hours
Wake up 1hr20 minutes before shuttle time
turn on coffee & laptop
drink 1st cup of coffee while pressing snooze to be sure you wake up
1 hour prior to shuttle time get up and do sun salutions for 10 minutes
take a leisurely shower
Put on some classical music
While drinking second cup of coffee, put on lotion, instead of just perfume, or nothing
Wash face and brush teeth, brush for a full 2 minutes, not just long enough to cover the surfaces
Put hair in a french twist, not just a fast ponytail
Put on makeup, unlike usually
Stroll, anxiety-free, to breakfast 15 minutes prior to shuttle time
Eat breakfast calmly and happily
I have done this twice- what a difference!
Immediately take off uniform, spray with water, and hang
Set Alarm, prepare coffee maker for morning
Take medication right away, to allow sedation effects to kick in
Instead of waiting until tired, wash face and brush teeth right away
Do 20 minutes of Yoga DVD
Instead of tossing & turning in bed, thinking about life problems, read a book until eyes are heavy
Sleep 6 or more hours
Wake up 1hr20 minutes before shuttle time
turn on coffee & laptop
drink 1st cup of coffee while pressing snooze to be sure you wake up
1 hour prior to shuttle time get up and do sun salutions for 10 minutes
take a leisurely shower
Put on some classical music
While drinking second cup of coffee, put on lotion, instead of just perfume, or nothing
Wash face and brush teeth, brush for a full 2 minutes, not just long enough to cover the surfaces
Put hair in a french twist, not just a fast ponytail
Put on makeup, unlike usually
Stroll, anxiety-free, to breakfast 15 minutes prior to shuttle time
Eat breakfast calmly and happily
I have done this twice- what a difference!
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Learning a lesson about teaching lessons
I have decided, despite the anxiety attacks, that my experience this week with my former roommate Tera has been very good for me. One thing it has illustrated is that I am not assertive enough. I will let things slide that bother me (I think at the time, that I am just being easy going) and then someone takes it too far, I explode and I want vengeance. It's not vengeance, exactly, that I want, I just HATE not being taken seriously, and since I don't expect to be taken seriously very often, when someone doesn't, after I have asserted myself, I want them to realize who they are messing with.
A roommate once decided to stop paying rent, stopped sleeping in our house, and left all his stuff. So what did I do? I got mad. My stuff was in storage, and I was sharing the room with him, so I brought my stuff into the room and put his stuff in storage. He shouldn't have messed with me.
A coke-head roommate who we were allowing to stay with us while he “tried to get clean” let his friends smoke weed in our living room. We lived in a corporate run building that had a security guard walking the halls, not a smart or respectful idea. We were doing him a favor by letting him stay with us, I came out of my room and told him to be out by noon the next day. In the morning when I got up his stuff was still there, so I packed it up and put it on the porch. He shouldn't have messed with me.
Now my former roommate Tera has pushed me too far, I feel strongly like doing something to teach her she shouldn't have messed with me.
I have doted on this girl like she was my little sister. I ended up not liking or respecting her, but I still was really kind to her, I told myself I should be compassionate. I didn't want to seem like a bitch, which I would have been if I called her on every thing that she would do. I would make comments like “I think it's different to allow your boyfriend to carry your crew bag, then to expect him to carry all of your stuff while you are moving” but all it would accomplished was her shrugging dismissively, and me respecting her 10 times less because of it.
I said on Aug 28th “I think I could be comfortable with not charging you rent if you can be out by the 3rd” she said her goal would be to finish before she left on a trip on the 1st. On the morning of the FOURTH she was sitting around watching a food network marathon. She moved one carload of stuff that day (this is total, she hadn't moved a thing yet) and informed me she would get the rest the next day. I expressed calmly, but angrily, that she wasn't paying any rent for the room and later in the day called her and told her to also pick up the furniture I had promised to hold on to until October, because I was sick of her taking advantage of me. This morning, the 9th, she still hasn't gotten any of her stuff, and she hasn't returned one of my five calls.
I was REALLY enraged before. Mostly because I didn't want my new roommate to see this incident as her first impression of the apartment, but I had to tell the new roommate, and she was really cool about it, so the rage is subsided a little bit. However, Tera was rude enough to take her time when she knew I was eager to move into that room (as I mentioned in a prior post, she wouldn't even carry her boxes into the hallway- that was her boyfriend's job because he is a “gentleman”) Now she isn't returning my calls and thinks she can get away with leaving her stuff for over a week without paying any rent.
She might have been waiting for me to leave for my trip to come get her things, so she doesn't have to face me, but my secret hope is that she doesn't, because I am changing the locks and putting her stuff in storage when I get back. I suppose I will be happy if she comes and gets it now, so it is over with, but it would just feel so good if I don't let her get away with it, if I taught her she “shouldn't have messed with me”
Here is the fact of the matter. As a pattern, people have not taken me seriously. It is in my nature to be very sweet and gentle, and to really want to help people, which I have always defended as being a good thing, but something isn't working. I am not comfortable with the pattern of having to teach people the lesson that they “shouldn't have messed with me” I would rather they would just respect me in the first place. So what have I done wrong?
I think the big one is my need to be liked. I hate being in the role of “bitch,” which is how Tera would see me if I called her on all of the things she did. “Tera, if you want your computer attached to the printer it's your responsibility to set it up yourself” ; “Tera, your sister's boyfriend is doing you a favor by letting you borrow his truck, you don't have a right to get mad at him for not dropping everything to bring it to you right away”; “Tera, you aren't willing to use shampoo they sell at Walgreen's, so don't feed me this bullshit that you relate more to inner city black people than you do to your suburban white peers.” Okay, that last one may be bitchy but you can see the character I was living with by those three statements. Anyway, the word “bitch” isn't a title I should accept if I am being assertive, not aggressive. If I am telling someone something they don't want to hear, they may think I am a bitch, but I am not one if I am calm, tactful and fair, so who cares what they think.
I know now that what I should have done (but didn't, out of fear that roommates were hard to find) was kick her out when she stopped paying rent. What I did do was threaten to kick her out if she didn't pay rent and pay me $200 a month extra for what she owed me, but I didn't follow through when she only paid me $100 extra, and then nothing extra the next month. This is an important lesson for me to learn for raising kids, you have to set ground rules, and stick with them firmly. If roommates don't take me seriously, how much would my behavior, if it continued, screw up my kids?
This tendency to not speak up so I avoid conflict also is because of “learned helplessness” from when my dad drank. I learned, from years of kicking and screaming to my dad that he shouldn't be passed out drunk every night, that nothing would change, no matter what, so I quit trying. I can see that I sometimes don't speak up, or do certain things to improve my life, because I think it will do no good. I can see now that this is an inaccurate way of thinking.
I am so glad I am in therapy. I can say “I want to be happy” and “I want to change my life” but everything will remain exactly the same, or compound and get progressively worse, unless I change my thinking and my behavior. Yes, I want everybody to like me, so I can continue the behavior of not being assertive as a way to avoid conflict, but then I will receive the same results, people using and not respecting me. I am going to have to endure the discomfort of changing the behavior I am used to, or my life will remain the same, and I will remain unhappy.
A roommate once decided to stop paying rent, stopped sleeping in our house, and left all his stuff. So what did I do? I got mad. My stuff was in storage, and I was sharing the room with him, so I brought my stuff into the room and put his stuff in storage. He shouldn't have messed with me.
A coke-head roommate who we were allowing to stay with us while he “tried to get clean” let his friends smoke weed in our living room. We lived in a corporate run building that had a security guard walking the halls, not a smart or respectful idea. We were doing him a favor by letting him stay with us, I came out of my room and told him to be out by noon the next day. In the morning when I got up his stuff was still there, so I packed it up and put it on the porch. He shouldn't have messed with me.
Now my former roommate Tera has pushed me too far, I feel strongly like doing something to teach her she shouldn't have messed with me.
I have doted on this girl like she was my little sister. I ended up not liking or respecting her, but I still was really kind to her, I told myself I should be compassionate. I didn't want to seem like a bitch, which I would have been if I called her on every thing that she would do. I would make comments like “I think it's different to allow your boyfriend to carry your crew bag, then to expect him to carry all of your stuff while you are moving” but all it would accomplished was her shrugging dismissively, and me respecting her 10 times less because of it.
I said on Aug 28th “I think I could be comfortable with not charging you rent if you can be out by the 3rd” she said her goal would be to finish before she left on a trip on the 1st. On the morning of the FOURTH she was sitting around watching a food network marathon. She moved one carload of stuff that day (this is total, she hadn't moved a thing yet) and informed me she would get the rest the next day. I expressed calmly, but angrily, that she wasn't paying any rent for the room and later in the day called her and told her to also pick up the furniture I had promised to hold on to until October, because I was sick of her taking advantage of me. This morning, the 9th, she still hasn't gotten any of her stuff, and she hasn't returned one of my five calls.
I was REALLY enraged before. Mostly because I didn't want my new roommate to see this incident as her first impression of the apartment, but I had to tell the new roommate, and she was really cool about it, so the rage is subsided a little bit. However, Tera was rude enough to take her time when she knew I was eager to move into that room (as I mentioned in a prior post, she wouldn't even carry her boxes into the hallway- that was her boyfriend's job because he is a “gentleman”) Now she isn't returning my calls and thinks she can get away with leaving her stuff for over a week without paying any rent.
She might have been waiting for me to leave for my trip to come get her things, so she doesn't have to face me, but my secret hope is that she doesn't, because I am changing the locks and putting her stuff in storage when I get back. I suppose I will be happy if she comes and gets it now, so it is over with, but it would just feel so good if I don't let her get away with it, if I taught her she “shouldn't have messed with me”
Here is the fact of the matter. As a pattern, people have not taken me seriously. It is in my nature to be very sweet and gentle, and to really want to help people, which I have always defended as being a good thing, but something isn't working. I am not comfortable with the pattern of having to teach people the lesson that they “shouldn't have messed with me” I would rather they would just respect me in the first place. So what have I done wrong?
I think the big one is my need to be liked. I hate being in the role of “bitch,” which is how Tera would see me if I called her on all of the things she did. “Tera, if you want your computer attached to the printer it's your responsibility to set it up yourself” ; “Tera, your sister's boyfriend is doing you a favor by letting you borrow his truck, you don't have a right to get mad at him for not dropping everything to bring it to you right away”; “Tera, you aren't willing to use shampoo they sell at Walgreen's, so don't feed me this bullshit that you relate more to inner city black people than you do to your suburban white peers.” Okay, that last one may be bitchy but you can see the character I was living with by those three statements. Anyway, the word “bitch” isn't a title I should accept if I am being assertive, not aggressive. If I am telling someone something they don't want to hear, they may think I am a bitch, but I am not one if I am calm, tactful and fair, so who cares what they think.
I know now that what I should have done (but didn't, out of fear that roommates were hard to find) was kick her out when she stopped paying rent. What I did do was threaten to kick her out if she didn't pay rent and pay me $200 a month extra for what she owed me, but I didn't follow through when she only paid me $100 extra, and then nothing extra the next month. This is an important lesson for me to learn for raising kids, you have to set ground rules, and stick with them firmly. If roommates don't take me seriously, how much would my behavior, if it continued, screw up my kids?
This tendency to not speak up so I avoid conflict also is because of “learned helplessness” from when my dad drank. I learned, from years of kicking and screaming to my dad that he shouldn't be passed out drunk every night, that nothing would change, no matter what, so I quit trying. I can see that I sometimes don't speak up, or do certain things to improve my life, because I think it will do no good. I can see now that this is an inaccurate way of thinking.
I am so glad I am in therapy. I can say “I want to be happy” and “I want to change my life” but everything will remain exactly the same, or compound and get progressively worse, unless I change my thinking and my behavior. Yes, I want everybody to like me, so I can continue the behavior of not being assertive as a way to avoid conflict, but then I will receive the same results, people using and not respecting me. I am going to have to endure the discomfort of changing the behavior I am used to, or my life will remain the same, and I will remain unhappy.
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