Monday, September 18, 2006

Examining Boundaries

Tonight I got a lesson about the boundaries I discussed with my therapist this week.

The first officer I am flying with is weird, but I like him. He called to get dinner, the Captain said no, and I felt sort of bad, even though I already ate, so I agreed to come while he eats to have a drink.

Not too long into our conversation I learned that his fiance and him just broke up. 20 minuites later I learn he grew up in foster care. By the end of the night I learned that his wife cheated on him and that in the last month he blew his life savings in a stock market deal.

Now I was able to recognize that these are the unhealthy boundaries that my therapist was telling me about. The desire for conversations to be serious and intimate, and not taking the time for them to develop into that. The healthy thing to do would have been to gently steer the conversation into less personal territory, but I let it happen, because I enjoyed the opportunity to share what I see as my "gift" of turning negatives into positives. I felt like I had an "in" where I could help someone, and so I participated in an unhealthy boundaries conversation.

Poor guy, he really is hurting. He soaked up my attention and caring words, and I relished giving them to him. I am glad I have a boyfriend, because this guy is the kind you want to take home and nurse (very cute, good sob story- foster homes and everything.)

I think I can see my boundaries getting healthier. Yes, I participated in an unhealthy conversation, but I was FULLY aware of it the entire time. Next time I won't fall into it so easy. I can see that a combination of my heart and my ego make me slide right into something like that, but now I know that it isn't really healthy.

And anyway, part of being unhealthy is you are used to it, so you keep other unhealthy people in your life...they are who you relate to. I know that I love the role of surragate mama, I just want to take every wounded person and rock them, pet their head, and say shhhhhhhh. I did it tonight, minus the cuddles, but I know I will have to channel those feelings differently.

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