Monday, October 09, 2006

Life without risperdal

SO unsafe, but I have had only half doses of the Risperdal for the last two days. I sort my daily medications and vitamins in those M-F sorters, and I discovered I only had one Risperdal for the week! I split it in half, had half last night and half the night before, and tonight I will have none!

I don't think I am going to have seizures or anything, but I can definately feel the difference! It could be withdrawl that I feel, but I can really remember what it was like before I started Risperdal. Suffering through this trip makes me feel so much compassion for myself...no wonder I could accomplish so little- no wonder the job was so taxing...just existing was so tiring!

I hope I survive tomorrow okay. I will use this experience to appreciate my medications and what they do for me. I had this experience once with my lexapro, and I really missed it too. I feel so fortunate to have found these.

2 comments:

Satan said...

Addict!

*he he*

hoping4thebest said...

I quit risperdal and depakote at the same time, both tapered and under doctors eye. Within 1 or 2 weeks I was still very stable with minimal withdrawal symptoms (or maybe they were there but was to driven to finally get off them, I hadn't noticed). Still doing good by the months end but was starting to act and say things that were manic'ish. I was in college at the time and it was becoming torturous to just in class for an hour. It felt like I was physically and mentally very tired. Plus I had this burning aching feeling especially in my neck area. Kind of felt like every muscle in my body was "just done with a heavy workout" even though I was just sitting in a chair. Alot of neck cracking to alleviate the anxiety and agitation. Mental wise, I felt like I had a duty to be very self righteous, and make my stance clear on everything.
This was the beginning of the end for me, the end in my case, was a very long and hellish time in a psych ward. It was so bad that I almost blanket out all the bad stuff that happened to me. I'll just say I had several pretty serious suicide attempts whilst there and so many times being surrounded by 10 nurses and force injected. (each time I got the injection I thought it was a lethal one, the last shot of my life if you could imagine how awful that would feel). I wont go any further on that because in a way, being in there actually saved my life in the long run. And for those who need it, it's overall good.
Soo back to my main points. I reached a solid 1.5 months of medication free living and felt like I was truly and beautifully alive again. Every little detail that was blunted by the risperdal/depakote was slowly coming back. Akin to before I was on meds much younger in my teens. But soon that awful physical/mental burning sensation was coupled by psychosis. At about month 2 I would say. My main pitfall I can only guess was being unable to sleep. I would honestly say I was awake for 15 days straight or more if you could imagine that... Things were spiraling down hill and quick. I can truthfully say the very last day before the hospital I could only take in one word at a time mentally then that word would sort of echoe in my mind and at the same time I could barely breathe and felt insanely tired. I can't fully describe it, but it was probably the farthest one person could stretch their mind without dying. It actually hurt to hear people talk especially from distances farther away. The words would enter my ears and completely cause me agony. Soo made it out with my life, somehow, sometimes forget how bad it was and contemplate trying to quit again. Realize now I may be stuck on some kind of med for life. Interested to know if the author of this successfully quit risperdal and if it was fairly easy for her. Any success stories would be nice to hear about or any horror stories like mine. I wish i could know what I did wrong, or what I could've done better. Any information could possibly bring my true life back or just verify for me that I am fucked up, maybe for life. If so, please invent some better mind pills, anyone! Feel free to e-mail me if you have any good info that you'd like to discuss. TaRealDjPiLL@gmail.com.