Thursday, September 07, 2006

What attracts me

I could not let go of Charles. He will be gone for 4 months, he has little access to e-mail and phoning is expensive from Kenya, but I am more than willing to wait, he is more than worth it. Today I was thinking about him, and I figured out the core of what draws me to him.

There is one problem in our relationship, that I wonder regularly if I should be worried about. I don't feel intense sexual chemistry towards him. When I met him we kissed and I felt nothing physical, the reason I rejected him initally. The fact that my sex drive is shot doesn't help the matter much. I am so happy with him, I can't even imagine breaking up with him or being with anyone else, but I wonder if our relationship might be somehow doomed in the long term becuase of this little, inconsequential aspect.

First of all, a woman like me, who has used sex as a way to have power over men, and to get attention and affection without having to put my emotions at risk, doesn't know how to "make love." Charles is the man that I love, and I probably have such associations with sex being angry and unfeeling that I don't get turned on as much without that dynamic.

Another reason is just the person he is. He hasn't spent his life perfecting his sexiness like us Americans are socialized to do. He has spent his life sharpining his intellect. He has spent his life reading books, with a lamp at night, so he could get a good education and improve the circumstances of his mother and his family. So when he kisses me he doesn't grab me in just the right way, he doesn't position his body in a dominant posture that makes me feel like submitting. Does that say anything about his character? Only good things.

The last aspect that affects my attraction has to be racism/xenophobia. I have been a fan of Rap music since RunDMC's raising hell. Having much of my exposure of black men being the gangster rappers of the 90's and groups like 2 live crew, during my developing years I created a predjudice in my head that black men were sexist and cheaters. The TV and movies didn't help. Black men on TV, especially back in the day, were ign'ant and criminal. Add to that my experience of international men, many of them being very chauvanist, and an African man was not at the top of my list of someone I would want to date. Charles has proven to me what an asshole I was to think that way, I don't deserve to be the one who has him, but I am thankful that I do.

So I can guess a lot of the reasons why my physical feelings arent as blazing hot as I would like them to be, but there is no doubt that my mental feelings and emotional feelings more than make up for it. I have his picture on my computer desktop. When I look at him I just see good. He has the Buddha-nature. He is Christ-like. He is just a beautiful person.

And who he is, UH! He is just what I think a person should be! I wish I could have accomplished what he has accomplished, but even so, I don't feel insecure with him, I feel proud to be who I am, he sees the best in me. If I had to sum up what I feel for him in one word, it would be "admiration."

So the question is, am I making a bad choice, to choose to be with someone, hopefully long term, who I don't have hot physical feelings for? Is that a trade-off that will doom the relationship to fail? This is something that I have to explore, very honestly, to be sure I am making the best choice, but fact of the matter is, I can't give him up. The idea of being "just friends" with him is too much to bear. Imagining him being the father of someone else's kids? HELL NO. For now, this is a relationship I am unwilling to give up, no matter what the consequenses are for the future.

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