Of course I should record this, I have just had a very happy moment!
I had the moment when I layed back on my bed, with fresh sheets and extra blankets, in the big room (I have lived in a room as big as 1 & 1/2 full sized beds for the last 2 years) with a cable equipped TV on in the room. I just got home, via my car.
Treasure it Diana
Monday, October 30, 2006
Smitten
The idaho wind is so loud whistling through the windows that it may keep me awake tonight.
I just have to get off my chest my new crush! Our first officer this trip is on OE (that's like a 30 hour final test- they fly, but with an OE captian who checks them out.) He MELTS me. He is from Georgia, in a town of 1000. He has the cutest accent, and a boyish face that really makes me feel like I am 11 years old. We were having a conversation about weight loss and he said I wasn't fat. :) I'm smitten.
I don't think that their is anything wrong with developing crushes when you are in a relationship, but that doesn't mean the relationship I am in is going well. It's just non-existant. We barely e-mail once a week, and even those e-mails are short and brief. I feel angry at him for leaving me, even though that anger is completely unfair. Charles will be gone for 2 more months. I hope my anger doesn't get stronger.
I just have to get off my chest my new crush! Our first officer this trip is on OE (that's like a 30 hour final test- they fly, but with an OE captian who checks them out.) He MELTS me. He is from Georgia, in a town of 1000. He has the cutest accent, and a boyish face that really makes me feel like I am 11 years old. We were having a conversation about weight loss and he said I wasn't fat. :) I'm smitten.
I don't think that their is anything wrong with developing crushes when you are in a relationship, but that doesn't mean the relationship I am in is going well. It's just non-existant. We barely e-mail once a week, and even those e-mails are short and brief. I feel angry at him for leaving me, even though that anger is completely unfair. Charles will be gone for 2 more months. I hope my anger doesn't get stronger.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
What I taped on roomie Jennifer's door
Jennifer,
I finally understand the point you were trying to make. The "soulless" comment drove the point home. [She had said she considered her Athiest friend soulless, but would never tell him that, so an Athiest shouldn't tell their opinions about Christianity to Christians] It doesn't matter what my intentions were, it doesn't matter if when I said them I thought they were harmless, by just stating my opinion about what I think about specific beliefs, I have been hurtful and offensive, not harmless.
They say that you should never talk about religion or politics when you first meet someone, and this is why. You can't tell what someone thinks just by looking at them, you have to get to know them first to know what effect what you say has. I wish so much I would have just followed this advice instead of having to learn it the hard way. I am ssorry for speaking so carelessly and offending you.
Sad fact of the matter is now our opinions are out in the open, and their are some things that apologies cant undo.
I am so sad that feelings were hurt but I suppose it is better that we be honest and respectful, than be smiling when there is some negative undercurrent going on. I never felt that way about you, but I could tell that you felt that about me, so at least now it is out in the open.
As a way to show respect, I am going to be less relaxd about the housekeeping and stop eating your food. Please realize it is difficult for me, so please understand when I slip up, but I will make a stronger effort.
Take Care
I finally understand the point you were trying to make. The "soulless" comment drove the point home. [She had said she considered her Athiest friend soulless, but would never tell him that, so an Athiest shouldn't tell their opinions about Christianity to Christians] It doesn't matter what my intentions were, it doesn't matter if when I said them I thought they were harmless, by just stating my opinion about what I think about specific beliefs, I have been hurtful and offensive, not harmless.
They say that you should never talk about religion or politics when you first meet someone, and this is why. You can't tell what someone thinks just by looking at them, you have to get to know them first to know what effect what you say has. I wish so much I would have just followed this advice instead of having to learn it the hard way. I am ssorry for speaking so carelessly and offending you.
Sad fact of the matter is now our opinions are out in the open, and their are some things that apologies cant undo.
I am so sad that feelings were hurt but I suppose it is better that we be honest and respectful, than be smiling when there is some negative undercurrent going on. I never felt that way about you, but I could tell that you felt that about me, so at least now it is out in the open.
As a way to show respect, I am going to be less relaxd about the housekeeping and stop eating your food. Please realize it is difficult for me, so please understand when I slip up, but I will make a stronger effort.
Take Care
People hate indifference
Tonight sucked. I sat and debated with my roommate for hours. I wasn't in the mood for a debate, I continuously tried to steer the conversation from a debate to a conversation, but she kept telling me how wrong I was about everything. It's not like we disagree on a SINGLE thing, we pretty much have exactly the same views on everything, yet I am still wrong.
I expect it will be civil coldness for 2 months because that is all I can muster. I don't have the energy to try to mend or develop the friendship, and I dont think she will want to because my indifference has become evident, and there is nothing crueler than indifference. If I got passionately angry at her telling me everything I think (which is exactly the same thing as she thinks) is wrong, things might have a chance. But I simply. dont. care.
She is under a tremendous amount of stress right now, her GRE is coming up and she is ending a relationship with one or more of her friends, so I can see I am getting the brunt of that, but I think the light being shown on my indifference pretty much kills the chance of a friendship.
This illustrates, I think, something that my therapist described as me "comparing my insides to other people's outsides." When I look at her I see an accomplished, pretty, very funny and smart person, and when I think of myself I think of all of my flaws. But I can see that she is very oversensitive, agressive, and apparently has some problems in her friendships. I was seeing the surface and seeing near perfection, but on the inside she is as flawed as anyone else.
In the end I am OKAY WITH MYSELF. I am an overweight slob who doesn't make a lot of money, who doesn't have a degree, and who's wardrobe and lifestyle are hardly fashionable, but I am still glad I am me. Maybe (probably) that is a problem I have with roommates. I have these blaring flaws, yet I continue to exist, and even have the audacity to like myself.
I expect it will be civil coldness for 2 months because that is all I can muster. I don't have the energy to try to mend or develop the friendship, and I dont think she will want to because my indifference has become evident, and there is nothing crueler than indifference. If I got passionately angry at her telling me everything I think (which is exactly the same thing as she thinks) is wrong, things might have a chance. But I simply. dont. care.
She is under a tremendous amount of stress right now, her GRE is coming up and she is ending a relationship with one or more of her friends, so I can see I am getting the brunt of that, but I think the light being shown on my indifference pretty much kills the chance of a friendship.
This illustrates, I think, something that my therapist described as me "comparing my insides to other people's outsides." When I look at her I see an accomplished, pretty, very funny and smart person, and when I think of myself I think of all of my flaws. But I can see that she is very oversensitive, agressive, and apparently has some problems in her friendships. I was seeing the surface and seeing near perfection, but on the inside she is as flawed as anyone else.
In the end I am OKAY WITH MYSELF. I am an overweight slob who doesn't make a lot of money, who doesn't have a degree, and who's wardrobe and lifestyle are hardly fashionable, but I am still glad I am me. Maybe (probably) that is a problem I have with roommates. I have these blaring flaws, yet I continue to exist, and even have the audacity to like myself.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Kill the Messenger
I just saw a girl from my initial training class. We always smile and hug and catch up when we see each other, and have discussed going out. This girl wears altogether too much makeup. She wears too dark base (thought she has improved since training) she wears dark eyeliner, and way too long false eyelashes, which aren't even spread out sideways, they point forward, they look just stupid, which is so sad because this girl is really beautiful.
A few weeks ago a girl with awful makeup walked by me and a flight attendant I was chatting with, and the flight attendant I was chatting with mentioned my classmate. I thought, since we were “friends” of sorts, I sort of owed it to her to tell her. It's like the spinach in the teeth principle, you feel embarrassed to hear you have spinach in your teeth, but it's less embarrassing than coming home after an evening out and seeing you have it there, and you ate hours ago.
So I saw her and she told me I looked tired. I said “I should probably put some makeup on, that helps.” She brought up how her boss used to “give her shit” about her eye makeup, and I knew that this was the best time I would ever have to bring it up.
I tried to be sensitive, I told her that someone had said that, and that I agreed. Suddenly her body changed, she tensed up, started shuffling things around, she got MAAAD. She said “who was it...they can kiss my motherfucking ass.” And when I said “let's talk about something else” she said “I've got to go” and stormed off.
I don't feel sorry for telling her. I think it was the right thing to do. I could have just said that someone else had said something about it, but that would have been a cop-out. It could have made it sound like I think they look nice, which I don't. I think her response to me was wrong, although I can see that this REALLY upsets her. I used to wear my jean skirt rolled so it looked like a miniskirt instead of a knee length, and I got teased about it a lot, so I wore it that way even more (and as I predicted I saw this look in a fashion magazine recently) so I guess I relate to her defensiveness. But I really did her a favor. She looks bad, and she doesn't need to.
When we were in training she said about me “I am going to keep my distance from that girl, she's trouble.” The truth of the matter was I was suicidally depressed, I had made a mistake about the date of arrival, which snowballed into other problems, which made me look bad in training. I didn't hold her statement against her, I decided she had made a judgemental comment, but that her overall personality was good, so I could let it go. She should let what I told her go, because I said it with the intention of helping.
But again, I don't care. I want good things for her, but I am not going to make any further effort with her. I feel like I did the right thing, so I will stand by that, and let her do with it what she wants.
A few weeks ago a girl with awful makeup walked by me and a flight attendant I was chatting with, and the flight attendant I was chatting with mentioned my classmate. I thought, since we were “friends” of sorts, I sort of owed it to her to tell her. It's like the spinach in the teeth principle, you feel embarrassed to hear you have spinach in your teeth, but it's less embarrassing than coming home after an evening out and seeing you have it there, and you ate hours ago.
So I saw her and she told me I looked tired. I said “I should probably put some makeup on, that helps.” She brought up how her boss used to “give her shit” about her eye makeup, and I knew that this was the best time I would ever have to bring it up.
I tried to be sensitive, I told her that someone had said that, and that I agreed. Suddenly her body changed, she tensed up, started shuffling things around, she got MAAAD. She said “who was it...they can kiss my motherfucking ass.” And when I said “let's talk about something else” she said “I've got to go” and stormed off.
I don't feel sorry for telling her. I think it was the right thing to do. I could have just said that someone else had said something about it, but that would have been a cop-out. It could have made it sound like I think they look nice, which I don't. I think her response to me was wrong, although I can see that this REALLY upsets her. I used to wear my jean skirt rolled so it looked like a miniskirt instead of a knee length, and I got teased about it a lot, so I wore it that way even more (and as I predicted I saw this look in a fashion magazine recently) so I guess I relate to her defensiveness. But I really did her a favor. She looks bad, and she doesn't need to.
When we were in training she said about me “I am going to keep my distance from that girl, she's trouble.” The truth of the matter was I was suicidally depressed, I had made a mistake about the date of arrival, which snowballed into other problems, which made me look bad in training. I didn't hold her statement against her, I decided she had made a judgemental comment, but that her overall personality was good, so I could let it go. She should let what I told her go, because I said it with the intention of helping.
But again, I don't care. I want good things for her, but I am not going to make any further effort with her. I feel like I did the right thing, so I will stand by that, and let her do with it what she wants.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Living with me
Today I stumbled out of bed at nearly 1PM. My roommate Jennifer told me that she had cleaned the entire house this morning, including the bathroom. I asked her "why did you do that?" and she said "because it was disgusting" to which I replied "good reason" and we both laughed.
I, this week, opened the paper towels and didn't put them on the roll. I contributed to the garbage and dishes (I washed some of them at least) and when Jessica asked the day before if she could skype on my computer, I left and forgot to put my computer in the living room. (She was too polite to go in my room to get it) I take plenty of naps, and on my days off I am usually sitting around the house, hair a mess, with clothes thrown on.
It saddens me to imagine the problems this could cause in a dating relationship. In my opinion I am doing very well! I am doing as well as I ever have in my life, if you exclude the times that I took on more than I could handle.
I think Charles is very patient and understanding, I suppose I should be thanking my lucky stars to have found him. I hope so much that I will do an effective job of pulling my own weight in the cleanliness department.
I am also concerned about the heat thing. Jennifer told me this morning "I turned on the space heater because I was too cold" It seemed apologetic- but at the same time it was trying to tell me its cold.
It's not my fault that it's cold- grrrr. Or should I say brrrr.
I, this week, opened the paper towels and didn't put them on the roll. I contributed to the garbage and dishes (I washed some of them at least) and when Jessica asked the day before if she could skype on my computer, I left and forgot to put my computer in the living room. (She was too polite to go in my room to get it) I take plenty of naps, and on my days off I am usually sitting around the house, hair a mess, with clothes thrown on.
It saddens me to imagine the problems this could cause in a dating relationship. In my opinion I am doing very well! I am doing as well as I ever have in my life, if you exclude the times that I took on more than I could handle.
I think Charles is very patient and understanding, I suppose I should be thanking my lucky stars to have found him. I hope so much that I will do an effective job of pulling my own weight in the cleanliness department.
I am also concerned about the heat thing. Jennifer told me this morning "I turned on the space heater because I was too cold" It seemed apologetic- but at the same time it was trying to tell me its cold.
It's not my fault that it's cold- grrrr. Or should I say brrrr.
Still a little drunk
Tonight we went to a well known gay bar to see Hedwig and the Angry inch! It was alright, the actor was not nearly as loveable as John Cameron Mitchell, the writer and star of the movie.
Afterward we went dancing at the club. I made a new friend, "Ryan." I gave him my number, we had a lot of fun dancing together.
I am having a difficult time typing all of the letters, so I better quit and go to bed. I had fun, i haven't been dancing for ages.
Afterward we went dancing at the club. I made a new friend, "Ryan." I gave him my number, we had a lot of fun dancing together.
I am having a difficult time typing all of the letters, so I better quit and go to bed. I had fun, i haven't been dancing for ages.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
BRRRRRRR
I write this post from inside a tent made up of my down comforter on my bed.
It's coooold. It's 40 degrees outside and 62 degrees indoors. It will be warmer once the landlord has the radiators on full heat, puts in the storm windows, and I can put plastic sheeting on the windows.
What pisses me off is for some reason I feel like the cold apartment is my fault for putting up with it I guess. My roommate has said twice "I can't live like this." I agree, it's too cold, and I know it will get better, but it is always too cold in this house, except in the summer when it is too hot. But it is also really inexpensive in a really nice area in the city, so I feel like I should just deal with it, as much as I dislike it too.
I am worried Charles is going to feel the same way about this place. Why do I take it so personally? Why do people have to love the apartment as much as I do? I told her to wait until the storm windows are in and the plastic is up to make a decision, but I don't think the apartment gets THAT much better, I know I get annoyed by the heat and cold. But I am exceptionally good at putting up with unpleasantness. Is it learned helplessness from my adolecence with my alcoholic father? Could be.
It has not been a great day. I slept most of it, and ate the equivelent of 8 cookies worth of cookie dough. I am assuming it is leftover results of not having enough risperdal this week, and also feeling overwhelmed by projects I need to get done (not that many really) Maybe it's harder to get stuff done when I am freezing cold.
I am getting to bed earlier tonight, hopefuly tomorrow will be better
It's coooold. It's 40 degrees outside and 62 degrees indoors. It will be warmer once the landlord has the radiators on full heat, puts in the storm windows, and I can put plastic sheeting on the windows.
What pisses me off is for some reason I feel like the cold apartment is my fault for putting up with it I guess. My roommate has said twice "I can't live like this." I agree, it's too cold, and I know it will get better, but it is always too cold in this house, except in the summer when it is too hot. But it is also really inexpensive in a really nice area in the city, so I feel like I should just deal with it, as much as I dislike it too.
I am worried Charles is going to feel the same way about this place. Why do I take it so personally? Why do people have to love the apartment as much as I do? I told her to wait until the storm windows are in and the plastic is up to make a decision, but I don't think the apartment gets THAT much better, I know I get annoyed by the heat and cold. But I am exceptionally good at putting up with unpleasantness. Is it learned helplessness from my adolecence with my alcoholic father? Could be.
It has not been a great day. I slept most of it, and ate the equivelent of 8 cookies worth of cookie dough. I am assuming it is leftover results of not having enough risperdal this week, and also feeling overwhelmed by projects I need to get done (not that many really) Maybe it's harder to get stuff done when I am freezing cold.
I am getting to bed earlier tonight, hopefuly tomorrow will be better
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Happy Night :)
No, I did not have adequate Risperdal for the last three days, my body was aching like crazy and my crankiness had become the punchline of a joke (the crew kept adding "fucking" to everything they said, it was rally funny, even if it doesn't translate to the page.)
But I took the bus home, heard some street preacher while I sat for 20 minutes to transfer busses, but then when I got to Carrie's house, I was welcomed by the dome light of my car, I had clicked the unlock button from 3 houses away :)
I went to Carrie's house for awhile, Carrie, her husband, and I watched TV and ate popcorn, and after a few hours I went home...in my CAR! The whole way home I danced and sang the "I'm driving in my car" song. It goes... "I'm driving in my car, I'm not taking the bus, I'm driving in my car, that I own, yeeeeah!" It was a great song. At the stoplights I bopped my head around to an awesome pop song, and when I got home, there was a parking spot waiting for me in the back for me :) :) :)
Now I am home, I got to see my friend, minus the feeling of being a drain (having her drive me whenever I see her) and am cozy in my pyjamas in my house :) And tomorrow it is going to snow, but if I need to go anywhere I can just drive there, I wont have to wait for the bus in the cold :)
I am happy :)
But I took the bus home, heard some street preacher while I sat for 20 minutes to transfer busses, but then when I got to Carrie's house, I was welcomed by the dome light of my car, I had clicked the unlock button from 3 houses away :)
I went to Carrie's house for awhile, Carrie, her husband, and I watched TV and ate popcorn, and after a few hours I went home...in my CAR! The whole way home I danced and sang the "I'm driving in my car" song. It goes... "I'm driving in my car, I'm not taking the bus, I'm driving in my car, that I own, yeeeeah!" It was a great song. At the stoplights I bopped my head around to an awesome pop song, and when I got home, there was a parking spot waiting for me in the back for me :) :) :)
Now I am home, I got to see my friend, minus the feeling of being a drain (having her drive me whenever I see her) and am cozy in my pyjamas in my house :) And tomorrow it is going to snow, but if I need to go anywhere I can just drive there, I wont have to wait for the bus in the cold :)
I am happy :)
Monday, October 09, 2006
Life without risperdal
SO unsafe, but I have had only half doses of the Risperdal for the last two days. I sort my daily medications and vitamins in those M-F sorters, and I discovered I only had one Risperdal for the week! I split it in half, had half last night and half the night before, and tonight I will have none!
I don't think I am going to have seizures or anything, but I can definately feel the difference! It could be withdrawl that I feel, but I can really remember what it was like before I started Risperdal. Suffering through this trip makes me feel so much compassion for myself...no wonder I could accomplish so little- no wonder the job was so taxing...just existing was so tiring!
I hope I survive tomorrow okay. I will use this experience to appreciate my medications and what they do for me. I had this experience once with my lexapro, and I really missed it too. I feel so fortunate to have found these.
I don't think I am going to have seizures or anything, but I can definately feel the difference! It could be withdrawl that I feel, but I can really remember what it was like before I started Risperdal. Suffering through this trip makes me feel so much compassion for myself...no wonder I could accomplish so little- no wonder the job was so taxing...just existing was so tiring!
I hope I survive tomorrow okay. I will use this experience to appreciate my medications and what they do for me. I had this experience once with my lexapro, and I really missed it too. I feel so fortunate to have found these.
Friday, October 06, 2006
How Tera has changed me
Tonight my college friend Jane came to town. I baked a GEORGEOUS cake for her 1 year old (I should post a pic of it, it was great) and bought some books for her on behalf of myself and Carrie, our college friend. I should be writing about that experience, but instead I will write about the waitress who put a damper on my terrific mood tonight.
We went to one bar and ordered nachos and two drinks to cover the 3 of us. It was early in the evening and I am sure the waitress would have prefered that we had ordered dinner but she was friendly to us and didn't show it.
We then went to a sort of trendy bar/restaurant, we weren't dressed very fashionably, but we were excited to take Jane here so she could try the Sangria. We stood waiting for probably 40 minutes, there was no room in the bar area (I actually had to shove past an icky long haired man in a sportcoat, becuase he wouldn't move when I gently tapped him on the back.) But we finally got a table around 9:15PM.
The waitress seemed really nice, we liked her. We ordered a pitcher of Sangria right away, and tried to decide what we wanted. We could only come up with one thing, an enchilada, so we asked for her to put that in until we could decide on more. When she came back to the table, maybe when we were half finished with the enchilada she asked if we were ready to put something else in. We declined and asked for a dessert menu. The moment we said we didn't want more to eat the snottiest look crossed her face, Jane said she actually rolled her eyes. When we declined dessert and asked for the check she snatched up half of the menus and stomped away like a toddler having a temper tantrum.
Mind you, I waitressed for nearly 10 years. I ALWAYS over tip. But I wasn't having it. Since being treated like I was by Tera, I don't even want to be mistaken for a pushover anymore...I just can't stand being mistreated. At first I suggested stiffing her. But then I said "Stiffing her says I'm a cheap bastard, 10% says she sucks" Not only did we tip 10%, I made a point to calculate 10% on the bill so she knew it wasn't a mistake.
She came to pick up the bill before we had even left, in fact it was probably 5 minutes after we got the check (Jane pointed out that she didn't even ask us if we were ready, she just came and picked it up) When she got to the table I started silently cracking up laughing, my face was blocked by Jane so it wasn't like I was laughing in her face. Carrie said her jaw literally dropped when she saw it. Then, when she got to the computer she turned around and looked at us, at this point I am sure she saw me laughing, and swiped her card angrily through the machine.
This isn't the way I used to be. I used to not believe in getting angry, but to feel compassion instead. I suppose she could have been having a bad day but I had been having a great day, and her snotty look when we had done NOTHING inconsiderate (for the love of god- its 9 PM on Friday night...dinner is over sweetie!) the look put a damper on a very pleasant evening. To give the meanness right back to her felt great-and thats just not the way I have ever been. And it's not like giving 10% is being mean anyway. In our state waitstaff gets minimum wage, tips are on top of it. "TIPS" stands for "To Insure Proper Service" and so why reward her "you didn't order enough" look with extra money? I make half of what she does, and I am still nice to everyone, I may get impatient, but I make an effort to stay nice.
Now that I write this I feel a little bad. Not for the tip, but for laughing at her. Did she deserve it? Hell yeah. Does that mean I should have done it? No. Two wrongs don't make a right.
In the end I think the lesson is to just treat people well. Maybe that sort of thinking isn't practiced in trendy fusion restaurants, and maybe I don't want to be places like that anymore. I really liked that place, but now I feel really unwelcome there. I really feel for black people and immigrants who I know (from observing my waitstaff co-workers) go through this all the time. People should be able to go out and enjoy themselves without being judged and prejudged by the people who supposedly make their living in service.
One upside of the night...I drank 3 drinks and feel anything but inebriated. But I still left my car at Carrie's house instead of driving home, because I am still out of practice driving. I am really proud of myself for my restraint.
Wishing you kind treatment...goodnight
We went to one bar and ordered nachos and two drinks to cover the 3 of us. It was early in the evening and I am sure the waitress would have prefered that we had ordered dinner but she was friendly to us and didn't show it.
We then went to a sort of trendy bar/restaurant, we weren't dressed very fashionably, but we were excited to take Jane here so she could try the Sangria. We stood waiting for probably 40 minutes, there was no room in the bar area (I actually had to shove past an icky long haired man in a sportcoat, becuase he wouldn't move when I gently tapped him on the back.) But we finally got a table around 9:15PM.
The waitress seemed really nice, we liked her. We ordered a pitcher of Sangria right away, and tried to decide what we wanted. We could only come up with one thing, an enchilada, so we asked for her to put that in until we could decide on more. When she came back to the table, maybe when we were half finished with the enchilada she asked if we were ready to put something else in. We declined and asked for a dessert menu. The moment we said we didn't want more to eat the snottiest look crossed her face, Jane said she actually rolled her eyes. When we declined dessert and asked for the check she snatched up half of the menus and stomped away like a toddler having a temper tantrum.
Mind you, I waitressed for nearly 10 years. I ALWAYS over tip. But I wasn't having it. Since being treated like I was by Tera, I don't even want to be mistaken for a pushover anymore...I just can't stand being mistreated. At first I suggested stiffing her. But then I said "Stiffing her says I'm a cheap bastard, 10% says she sucks" Not only did we tip 10%, I made a point to calculate 10% on the bill so she knew it wasn't a mistake.
She came to pick up the bill before we had even left, in fact it was probably 5 minutes after we got the check (Jane pointed out that she didn't even ask us if we were ready, she just came and picked it up) When she got to the table I started silently cracking up laughing, my face was blocked by Jane so it wasn't like I was laughing in her face. Carrie said her jaw literally dropped when she saw it. Then, when she got to the computer she turned around and looked at us, at this point I am sure she saw me laughing, and swiped her card angrily through the machine.
This isn't the way I used to be. I used to not believe in getting angry, but to feel compassion instead. I suppose she could have been having a bad day but I had been having a great day, and her snotty look when we had done NOTHING inconsiderate (for the love of god- its 9 PM on Friday night...dinner is over sweetie!) the look put a damper on a very pleasant evening. To give the meanness right back to her felt great-and thats just not the way I have ever been. And it's not like giving 10% is being mean anyway. In our state waitstaff gets minimum wage, tips are on top of it. "TIPS" stands for "To Insure Proper Service" and so why reward her "you didn't order enough" look with extra money? I make half of what she does, and I am still nice to everyone, I may get impatient, but I make an effort to stay nice.
Now that I write this I feel a little bad. Not for the tip, but for laughing at her. Did she deserve it? Hell yeah. Does that mean I should have done it? No. Two wrongs don't make a right.
In the end I think the lesson is to just treat people well. Maybe that sort of thinking isn't practiced in trendy fusion restaurants, and maybe I don't want to be places like that anymore. I really liked that place, but now I feel really unwelcome there. I really feel for black people and immigrants who I know (from observing my waitstaff co-workers) go through this all the time. People should be able to go out and enjoy themselves without being judged and prejudged by the people who supposedly make their living in service.
One upside of the night...I drank 3 drinks and feel anything but inebriated. But I still left my car at Carrie's house instead of driving home, because I am still out of practice driving. I am really proud of myself for my restraint.
Wishing you kind treatment...goodnight
Thursday, October 05, 2006
I bought a car
Yup, I got one.
I don't feel exceedingly happy about it, I feel tense instead. I think that is okay. I think it is a sign that I recognize that having a car is a responsibility (something I didn't recognize when I was younger) so I know I will be careful.
I am TIRED. This car buying process was a nightmare for me, so I am glad it's over. And I hope it is over, what if something is wrong with it, could be, so I am not willing to get excited yet for that reason either.
Whew.
I don't feel exceedingly happy about it, I feel tense instead. I think that is okay. I think it is a sign that I recognize that having a car is a responsibility (something I didn't recognize when I was younger) so I know I will be careful.
I am TIRED. This car buying process was a nightmare for me, so I am glad it's over. And I hope it is over, what if something is wrong with it, could be, so I am not willing to get excited yet for that reason either.
Whew.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Terrorist Video
I am more creeped out than ever by seeing this video of Mohammad Atta and another terrorist sitting and smiling.
Most photos and videos we see fit into the mindset that the people who commit terrorist acts are brainwashed nutjobs. On the video they lacked goony and menacing expressions, minus the funny beards they looked like anyone you would see in the United States.
Creepy
Most photos and videos we see fit into the mindset that the people who commit terrorist acts are brainwashed nutjobs. On the video they lacked goony and menacing expressions, minus the funny beards they looked like anyone you would see in the United States.
Creepy
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Loser
At my last two weight watchers meetings I have gained weight. It wasn't that what i was doing wasn't working, it was because I wasn't trying. I have eaten a tub of ice cream in two days, half a pan of banana bread in one day, and twice I have eaten nachos in Detroit.
I think I have begun to get back into the swing of things, I am tracking my points again (even though I am 40 points over for the week) and I am starting to make better food choices. I will not get down on myself that I am not back in the program 100%, because forgiving myself regularly is what helped me lose the 16 pounds.
I came up with an idea on the airplane when looking at a picture of a girl in a tank top. Tank tops were really in this summer, and I was thinking about how nice it would be to have some time to prepare for a figure baring trend like tank tops. I thought about it and realized what a blessing winter is going to be! It is seven months to be wrapped in a more flattering cocoon, and then in summer, I can remove the coverings to show I have developed into a toned-armed butterfly!
I have decided that my goal is to get to 170 by my birthday, May 24. 170 is a few pounds over the Weight Watchers lifetime member weight (the weight in which you can go to meetings for free.) If I want to reach this weight by my birthday, I will have to lose .8 lbs a week, that is a reasonable goal, but hard enough that I will have to work for it.
Another goal I have is to lose a noticeable amount of weight before Charles gets back from Kenya. I am not sure why I want to lose that, since he doesn't necessarily think thinner is sexier. Maybe I want to turn heads so people will think “He has a pretty girlfriend.” Maybe I want to be really confident and really free to be myself. I KNOW I am with the man I would choose, even if I had more to choose from, maybe this is the way to prove it to myself. Most likely is, I am with a man who loves me. He doesn't want me to change myself, he loves me just the way I am. Now I feel free enough that I can be just as sexy as it is possible for me to be, and I will know he doesn't just love me because of the way I look. I hope he will like how I look as I lose weight, but even if he doesn't I know he will still love me.
One thing that I think will really help my weight is Tera is coming tomorrow! She is coming to get her stuff AND to bring me a check! I am SOOOOO happy to not have to do a lawsuit, and I know this awful stress being gone will help me get my focus back and cut down on my anxiety eating.
OH MY GOD I AM SO HAPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I just know it, I'm going to be a loser.
I think I have begun to get back into the swing of things, I am tracking my points again (even though I am 40 points over for the week) and I am starting to make better food choices. I will not get down on myself that I am not back in the program 100%, because forgiving myself regularly is what helped me lose the 16 pounds.
I came up with an idea on the airplane when looking at a picture of a girl in a tank top. Tank tops were really in this summer, and I was thinking about how nice it would be to have some time to prepare for a figure baring trend like tank tops. I thought about it and realized what a blessing winter is going to be! It is seven months to be wrapped in a more flattering cocoon, and then in summer, I can remove the coverings to show I have developed into a toned-armed butterfly!
I have decided that my goal is to get to 170 by my birthday, May 24. 170 is a few pounds over the Weight Watchers lifetime member weight (the weight in which you can go to meetings for free.) If I want to reach this weight by my birthday, I will have to lose .8 lbs a week, that is a reasonable goal, but hard enough that I will have to work for it.
Another goal I have is to lose a noticeable amount of weight before Charles gets back from Kenya. I am not sure why I want to lose that, since he doesn't necessarily think thinner is sexier. Maybe I want to turn heads so people will think “He has a pretty girlfriend.” Maybe I want to be really confident and really free to be myself. I KNOW I am with the man I would choose, even if I had more to choose from, maybe this is the way to prove it to myself. Most likely is, I am with a man who loves me. He doesn't want me to change myself, he loves me just the way I am. Now I feel free enough that I can be just as sexy as it is possible for me to be, and I will know he doesn't just love me because of the way I look. I hope he will like how I look as I lose weight, but even if he doesn't I know he will still love me.
One thing that I think will really help my weight is Tera is coming tomorrow! She is coming to get her stuff AND to bring me a check! I am SOOOOO happy to not have to do a lawsuit, and I know this awful stress being gone will help me get my focus back and cut down on my anxiety eating.
OH MY GOD I AM SO HAPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I just know it, I'm going to be a loser.
Friday, September 22, 2006
In a panic
This is good news- really it is- after over 5 years of not owning a car (the last few by choice) I have been approved for a car loan. But now I have to pick one! And I only have 30 days to do it! (Less now)
AAAAHHHHH! What I really want is a Corolla 2000 or newer, with about 80,000 miles for under 8,000. I actually did find one, it looks pretty good, so now I have to go snatch it up before I am too late. (It is Saturday tomorrow, I wont be able to get the cashier's check until I get back from my trip- wednesday) If the car is as good as it seems, than I bet I will lose it.
Of course I am still stressed about Tera's stuff being here STILL. I am going to take her to court, for money she owes me, which I am going to add 1/3 of september's rent, because she has left her stuff here.
And I am worried about my weight & eating habits. I have not started tracking my Weight Watchers points yet, and I have gone crazy and eaten a half gallon of ice cream. It is pretty funny when I say it, but it is also quite sad. There is no other word for that than a binge. It had a control over me, and I didn't even enjoy it that much. I think I have it under control, but I am sure I will have gained at least a pound from that.
I think the core of all this stress is from Tera. I feel no sense of closure, I have a big queen sized bed leaning against the wall in my bedroom for God's sake! What really makes me feel bad is I take pleasure in knowing she is going through as much, if not more, anxiety than I am. I don't want to dislike anyone so much that I wish them pain. She has just caused me so much pain, when I have been so damn sweet, I just feel bitter.
I am hopeful that I can relax a bit. I just got a heartrate monitor, maybe I should take up running again. I could use it, if not for stress relief, to work off all that Ice cream.
AAAAHHHHH! What I really want is a Corolla 2000 or newer, with about 80,000 miles for under 8,000. I actually did find one, it looks pretty good, so now I have to go snatch it up before I am too late. (It is Saturday tomorrow, I wont be able to get the cashier's check until I get back from my trip- wednesday) If the car is as good as it seems, than I bet I will lose it.
Of course I am still stressed about Tera's stuff being here STILL. I am going to take her to court, for money she owes me, which I am going to add 1/3 of september's rent, because she has left her stuff here.
And I am worried about my weight & eating habits. I have not started tracking my Weight Watchers points yet, and I have gone crazy and eaten a half gallon of ice cream. It is pretty funny when I say it, but it is also quite sad. There is no other word for that than a binge. It had a control over me, and I didn't even enjoy it that much. I think I have it under control, but I am sure I will have gained at least a pound from that.
I think the core of all this stress is from Tera. I feel no sense of closure, I have a big queen sized bed leaning against the wall in my bedroom for God's sake! What really makes me feel bad is I take pleasure in knowing she is going through as much, if not more, anxiety than I am. I don't want to dislike anyone so much that I wish them pain. She has just caused me so much pain, when I have been so damn sweet, I just feel bitter.
I am hopeful that I can relax a bit. I just got a heartrate monitor, maybe I should take up running again. I could use it, if not for stress relief, to work off all that Ice cream.
I'm DEAD sexaay!
Geez! I can't take my eyes off myself! I think I am SOOOO pretty!
That is a very good feeling, but one that wont last forever if I continue my eating habits of the last two days, I have eaten a carton of ice cream, by myself, between today and yesterday.
I am so happy with my results of making healthy choices, I really have to get back into that pattern...I want to continue to love what I see when I look in the mirror!
PS- I talked to charles this morning :) :) :) :)
That is a very good feeling, but one that wont last forever if I continue my eating habits of the last two days, I have eaten a carton of ice cream, by myself, between today and yesterday.
I am so happy with my results of making healthy choices, I really have to get back into that pattern...I want to continue to love what I see when I look in the mirror!
PS- I talked to charles this morning :) :) :) :)
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Poor me- I don't think I need to lose weight
I have lost a good 16 pounds with weight watchers. Not only have I lost weight from my healthier eating and moving more, my depression has improved immensely. But heres the problem, since I went from 210 to 185 in a couple of months, I think I look damn good. I don't feel like I am fat anymore. Poor me.
I figured out the key to losing weight, you have to want to lose weight more then you want the behaviors that keep you fat. I wanted to lose weight so much that I was willing to record everything I ate, eat less and healthier foods, and exercise more. But here is the problem now, I dont care if I lose weight right now, so I am not recording what I eat, and therefore I am sure I am eating more, and less healthily.
One strategy I could employ is that I stay with Weight watchers, but just make my goal to maintian my weight. That is sortof what I am doing now, but I am not doing much to keep my focus. Another strategy is to quit weight watchers, and work to maintain my weight. This would save me $40 a month, but I might be more likely to put weight back on. The last strategy is to stay in weight watchers and care about losing weight again, but how? I DONT want to try to feel bad about myself again, I like looking in the mirror and seeing a pretty girl looking back, why would I want to change my opinion about that?
I know that I still have too much fat on my body. It is hard on the body to have too much fat, and it is VERY bad for my depression! It makes me feel more tired, and energy is very hard to come by when you have depression, and the foods that lead to being overweight also contribute to depression (fat & sugar.) Perhaps depression should be my motivator for weight loss, that if I lose weight I will be less depressed. But even that is difficult, since I am not feeling very depressed lately!
Of problems to have, feeling like I am attractive, and not feeling depressed are pretty good, but I deserve to be as healthy as I can be! Just because my depresson is in remission doesn't mean that it wont return as the unhealthy behaviors return.
UPDATE----
I went to my weight watchers meeting today, I gained 2 & 1/2 lbs in a week! I DO need to go to the meetings, and I DO need to work towards losing more- If I don't- I will gain it all back!!! I think my motivation may be back- I sure hope so!
I figured out the key to losing weight, you have to want to lose weight more then you want the behaviors that keep you fat. I wanted to lose weight so much that I was willing to record everything I ate, eat less and healthier foods, and exercise more. But here is the problem now, I dont care if I lose weight right now, so I am not recording what I eat, and therefore I am sure I am eating more, and less healthily.
One strategy I could employ is that I stay with Weight watchers, but just make my goal to maintian my weight. That is sortof what I am doing now, but I am not doing much to keep my focus. Another strategy is to quit weight watchers, and work to maintain my weight. This would save me $40 a month, but I might be more likely to put weight back on. The last strategy is to stay in weight watchers and care about losing weight again, but how? I DONT want to try to feel bad about myself again, I like looking in the mirror and seeing a pretty girl looking back, why would I want to change my opinion about that?
I know that I still have too much fat on my body. It is hard on the body to have too much fat, and it is VERY bad for my depression! It makes me feel more tired, and energy is very hard to come by when you have depression, and the foods that lead to being overweight also contribute to depression (fat & sugar.) Perhaps depression should be my motivator for weight loss, that if I lose weight I will be less depressed. But even that is difficult, since I am not feeling very depressed lately!
Of problems to have, feeling like I am attractive, and not feeling depressed are pretty good, but I deserve to be as healthy as I can be! Just because my depresson is in remission doesn't mean that it wont return as the unhealthy behaviors return.
UPDATE----
I went to my weight watchers meeting today, I gained 2 & 1/2 lbs in a week! I DO need to go to the meetings, and I DO need to work towards losing more- If I don't- I will gain it all back!!! I think my motivation may be back- I sure hope so!
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
I don't do "mean"
I am no good at being mean. Today I hung out with the pilots (we had a new FO) and, in response to a crack yesterday about Hillary Clinton, I started picking on the Captian about being a Republican.
I was pretty good. I made unfair cracks...you know the same kind of generalizations and misrepresentations that are put on Liberals all the time. I sort of think I might have offended him.
I did say "I am just giving you shit" (something we have done all trip) and I said "remember-you started it" and I am sure he is not in his room still thinking about it (this was hours ago) but here I am, thinking about it.
I felt yucky. I hate to imagine that I upset him. He is a very nice, fun, and sweet guy. Only now is the sort-of sick feeling going away.
I just don't do mean. If I had been fair and sensitive, you know not saying things like "well you know how Republicans don't have compassion" I would probably feel fine about it all. And I have to be careful if I apoligize, because I can't make it sound like I am apologizing for my beliefs. But I didn't want to upset him, I only wanted to jab at him in a playful way.
I'm not a wuss, just a softee.
I was pretty good. I made unfair cracks...you know the same kind of generalizations and misrepresentations that are put on Liberals all the time. I sort of think I might have offended him.
I did say "I am just giving you shit" (something we have done all trip) and I said "remember-you started it" and I am sure he is not in his room still thinking about it (this was hours ago) but here I am, thinking about it.
I felt yucky. I hate to imagine that I upset him. He is a very nice, fun, and sweet guy. Only now is the sort-of sick feeling going away.
I just don't do mean. If I had been fair and sensitive, you know not saying things like "well you know how Republicans don't have compassion" I would probably feel fine about it all. And I have to be careful if I apoligize, because I can't make it sound like I am apologizing for my beliefs. But I didn't want to upset him, I only wanted to jab at him in a playful way.
I'm not a wuss, just a softee.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Examining Boundaries
Tonight I got a lesson about the boundaries I discussed with my therapist this week.
The first officer I am flying with is weird, but I like him. He called to get dinner, the Captain said no, and I felt sort of bad, even though I already ate, so I agreed to come while he eats to have a drink.
Not too long into our conversation I learned that his fiance and him just broke up. 20 minuites later I learn he grew up in foster care. By the end of the night I learned that his wife cheated on him and that in the last month he blew his life savings in a stock market deal.
Now I was able to recognize that these are the unhealthy boundaries that my therapist was telling me about. The desire for conversations to be serious and intimate, and not taking the time for them to develop into that. The healthy thing to do would have been to gently steer the conversation into less personal territory, but I let it happen, because I enjoyed the opportunity to share what I see as my "gift" of turning negatives into positives. I felt like I had an "in" where I could help someone, and so I participated in an unhealthy boundaries conversation.
Poor guy, he really is hurting. He soaked up my attention and caring words, and I relished giving them to him. I am glad I have a boyfriend, because this guy is the kind you want to take home and nurse (very cute, good sob story- foster homes and everything.)
I think I can see my boundaries getting healthier. Yes, I participated in an unhealthy conversation, but I was FULLY aware of it the entire time. Next time I won't fall into it so easy. I can see that a combination of my heart and my ego make me slide right into something like that, but now I know that it isn't really healthy.
And anyway, part of being unhealthy is you are used to it, so you keep other unhealthy people in your life...they are who you relate to. I know that I love the role of surragate mama, I just want to take every wounded person and rock them, pet their head, and say shhhhhhhh. I did it tonight, minus the cuddles, but I know I will have to channel those feelings differently.
The first officer I am flying with is weird, but I like him. He called to get dinner, the Captain said no, and I felt sort of bad, even though I already ate, so I agreed to come while he eats to have a drink.
Not too long into our conversation I learned that his fiance and him just broke up. 20 minuites later I learn he grew up in foster care. By the end of the night I learned that his wife cheated on him and that in the last month he blew his life savings in a stock market deal.
Now I was able to recognize that these are the unhealthy boundaries that my therapist was telling me about. The desire for conversations to be serious and intimate, and not taking the time for them to develop into that. The healthy thing to do would have been to gently steer the conversation into less personal territory, but I let it happen, because I enjoyed the opportunity to share what I see as my "gift" of turning negatives into positives. I felt like I had an "in" where I could help someone, and so I participated in an unhealthy boundaries conversation.
Poor guy, he really is hurting. He soaked up my attention and caring words, and I relished giving them to him. I am glad I have a boyfriend, because this guy is the kind you want to take home and nurse (very cute, good sob story- foster homes and everything.)
I think I can see my boundaries getting healthier. Yes, I participated in an unhealthy conversation, but I was FULLY aware of it the entire time. Next time I won't fall into it so easy. I can see that a combination of my heart and my ego make me slide right into something like that, but now I know that it isn't really healthy.
And anyway, part of being unhealthy is you are used to it, so you keep other unhealthy people in your life...they are who you relate to. I know that I love the role of surragate mama, I just want to take every wounded person and rock them, pet their head, and say shhhhhhhh. I did it tonight, minus the cuddles, but I know I will have to channel those feelings differently.
Secret Confession
I can't believe I am going to admit this...
My favorite show on television...is it...Project Runway?
nope.
is it...Clean House?
nope.
is it...Survivorman?
nope.
its...
Flavor of Love!
What the hell is wrong with me?
My favorite show on television...is it...Project Runway?
nope.
is it...Clean House?
nope.
is it...Survivorman?
nope.
its...
Flavor of Love!
What the hell is wrong with me?
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