Tonight sucked. I sat and debated with my roommate for hours. I wasn't in the mood for a debate, I continuously tried to steer the conversation from a debate to a conversation, but she kept telling me how wrong I was about everything. It's not like we disagree on a SINGLE thing, we pretty much have exactly the same views on everything, yet I am still wrong.
I expect it will be civil coldness for 2 months because that is all I can muster. I don't have the energy to try to mend or develop the friendship, and I dont think she will want to because my indifference has become evident, and there is nothing crueler than indifference. If I got passionately angry at her telling me everything I think (which is exactly the same thing as she thinks) is wrong, things might have a chance. But I simply. dont. care.
She is under a tremendous amount of stress right now, her GRE is coming up and she is ending a relationship with one or more of her friends, so I can see I am getting the brunt of that, but I think the light being shown on my indifference pretty much kills the chance of a friendship.
This illustrates, I think, something that my therapist described as me "comparing my insides to other people's outsides." When I look at her I see an accomplished, pretty, very funny and smart person, and when I think of myself I think of all of my flaws. But I can see that she is very oversensitive, agressive, and apparently has some problems in her friendships. I was seeing the surface and seeing near perfection, but on the inside she is as flawed as anyone else.
In the end I am OKAY WITH MYSELF. I am an overweight slob who doesn't make a lot of money, who doesn't have a degree, and who's wardrobe and lifestyle are hardly fashionable, but I am still glad I am me. Maybe (probably) that is a problem I have with roommates. I have these blaring flaws, yet I continue to exist, and even have the audacity to like myself.