Alli is working!

The highest point on my scale has been 205, and now it says 197. No, I did not lose 8 pounds, but this is a big enough variation to know that I am actually losing.

The REASON it is working, is because I am afraid of "treatment effects" so I am eating less, and less fat.

I am enthusiastic!!!!

The Dangers Of Splenda/Sucralose

It is very possible and very likely that splenda isn't healthy, especially in large quantities. Of course it isn't because I love it, and it tastes yummy and helps me keep my weight down (maybe)

Well I was researching online to see if I can use Propel to help keep myself hydrated when using Alli, and I found some page full of horror stories about the evil Splenda.

What I found really annoying about this page is it completely missed the point. People were having terrible reactions to it, but all that proves is they have an intolerance or allergy to it. Many people are allergic to shellfish, or intolerant to Gluten, does this mean we should make Cheerios illegal? Or take away the FDA approval of selling oysters??? Of course not.

Testimonials can create an emotional reaction, but they are proof of nothing. The only thing we should believe is clinical trials with double blind studies (especially longterm ones) And these studies should be done, or at least replicated by unbiased scientists, not ones paid by the manufacturer (or the sugar lobby for that matter)

I know I am taking a risk, eating this chemical with little long term research done on it. Maybe I should ban all artificial sweetners from my body for a month and see if I feel different.

But still, lady with an allergic reaction to it, I am sorry you got sick, but your flimsy "proof" of Splenda's danger only weakens the case against it.

Day one of Alli- uh oh!

I just got a great price on Alli, and took my first pill. The rule is you need to have less than 15 grams of fat per meal, or your butt will explode.

I had a south beach diet tv dinner, and a weight watcher's 2 point icecream bar. Light TV dinners are usually 5-6 grams of fat. Well I double checked to see if I could have another ice cream today, and I saw that the SB meal was 11 grams, which means I have had 16 grams! 1 over the max...

I will keep you up to date on my "condition"

UPDATE: Yes, I had "treatment effects" I will drink extra water, with propel mix in it, and start fresh :)

Don’t worry, I will spare you the gruesome details!!!

Current mood:relieved

I am not sure why I feel compelled to share this on my myspace, my guess is if I tell as many people as possible, I will be held accountable.

The last few months have been scary for me. My chest has been tight, and I have had problems breathing. I noticed it first in November, and it has gotten much worse this last month. These problems correlate directly to a 15-20 pound weight gain, which correlates directly to the time we started selling pringles and nutmix on the plane.

Yesterday I went to the doctor. They did a heart x-ray and an EKG. Scary stuff. I was nervous at the beginning of the appointment, but the Medical Assistant laughed like crazy when I told her the reason I gained all this weight was because I couldn’t resist the pringles and nut mix on the plane. I explained it’s like an alcoholic confronted with alcohol. She laughed, which made me laugh, and broke the fear in me.

However, when the doc told me my heart and lungs were fine, I did cry a little bit. I was more scared than I would admit. For some reason I am not afraid of death, but I am very afraid of disability. Life is hard enough, the last thing I wanted in my life was to have to "take it easy" and avoid things like running or fast biking.

So the verdict is the weight gain, not some cholestrol in the nuts/pringles is what is causing my breathing problems. So I need to lose weight.

I know what you are thinking "Please Athena, don’t lose any weight, you are already blindingly beautiful, if you lost any weight you would kill everyone in your path with your burning hotness." While this is true, I have to put my health first. I really have not been in the mood lately to go back to a steady diet of cheeseless sandwiches and salads with a tablespoon of dressing. But this breathing thing has really gotten on my nerves. Especially when I inhale loud enough for people to hear (it’s worse on the plane.)

So here is what the doctor gave me clearance to do...to try Alli. Have you heard of Alli? I am not trying it in order to "lose 50% more weight" I am trying it as a behavioral modifier. If I eat pringles or nutmix while taking Alli. I will get "sick" like a gastric bypass, but one that I can stop. It sounds funny that a person would go to such extremes, but I am serious when I say that I can’t resist the chips & nuts. I don’t keep junkfood in the house for the same reason. I just cant say no.

So wish me luck! I have lost weight before, so I know what I am doing. And THANK GOD I have no heart or lung problems standing in my way :)

Still depressed ???

I slept until noon today, and when I laid in bed, looking at my favorite websites I was still depressed. I was going to write a post about it, but I was too depressed, so I decided to have breakfast. At noon.

Once I got up I feel normal again. Not happy, but normal. I guess I just needed to move a bit, get some blood flowing. I am sure some coffee will help too.

I also took a test that I found from a link saying it was a racism test. It wasnt, it was a presidential test. It was so funny at the beginning, they had me click "good" for Barak obama, the words "friend", "love", & "happy", and then I had to click "bad" for a picture of Mike Huckabee, and the words "enemy", "horrible", and "hate" The only time I screwed up was when I laughed out loud at how funny it was to do this, and then I just quit the test. Oh well, they cant use me in their research I guess (and I cant find out that I am a democrat)

I feel embarrassed and depressed, but at least I'm not going to die

Well, I think I decided not to write about it much, because I wasn't going to the doctor for it, and I didn't want to be caught being dramatic. Thats how my life seems to go, I worry about something, and then I get dramatic, and then I look stupid when it's nothing.

I have been having breathing problems since november, and it got especially bad this last week. My chest has also been tight, but in a different way than it would be when I was anxious. I got worried. I just wanted to check it out.

The doctor gave me an EKG and heart X-ray, and listened to my chest, and heard no infection sounds, so she says it's probably anxiety and the weight I gained. Good news of course, but now I feel like a hypochondriac mental patient. Oh, a fat hypochondriac mental patient.

I probably should get a different doctor, I had a weird experience with her after a pelvic exam, she left the room quickly, as if she was grossed out. I am guessing it was my wax job, since I make it a habit to shower before someone is going to be poking around down there, but I think she should have been more sensitive. Most people don't like it when people act like their private parts are disgusting.

Right now I feel depressed. She thought reducing my medication wasnt a good idea (though of course she doesnt know me) I just dont feel like there is much to look forward to. Now I have to lose weight, or deal with stupid breathing problems. Yes, that is better than a heart condition, but you know what? If I had a heart condition at least then I would have a visible disease. A disease without the stigma that depression does. Of course there is the stigma that I am overweight, so people would judge me for that, so I suppose I should count my blessings.

I will be happier if I just lose this weight. Now I have a good reason.

Want to hear something funny though? I slept on my arm wrong, and it hurts so bad i must have pulled something.

I feel very negative right now. That sucks. I feel demeaned. Have I been? I dont know

Why oh why did I wait until the last minute???

As if I am back in college, it is 10 at night, and I am STARTING my homework for recurrant training now. And of course I am learning there is a lot more to do. When I was finally getting into it I got an e-mail from a guy I went on a date with on sunday.

I really liked him. He was smart and nice and cute. But when we said goodbuy I got the stiffest hug and he seemed to run away. So I was confused. But that same night I got an e-mail from him asking me out for next week, and at 2AM he sent a cute overanalytical e-mail about something I said. The next day (monday) I wrote him back in the morning, and I have not heard a thing from him until now, and all he sent was a message that he would like to reschedule until monday.

He is an engineer (read:nerd), and his parents are from China, so maybe he has a different communication style, but I still feel dissatisfied. Communication is needed to keep me interested. I have been thinking of him, so he should be thinking of me too if he's actually interested.

So now I feel anxious about tomorrow, and pissed about the guy. I feel like I have dated too much this year. It sucks so much to get my hopes up over and over.

Other news:

-Kelsey "90210 friend" texted me the other day, as if she never blew me off after I said I wouldnt move in with her, I never responded back

-Half Brazilian/Half Argentine man said he was coming to my city on Saturday, but because I sense he is bad for me (not enough attention- hes "just not that into me") I cancelled with him. I half lied and told him I was going to visit my friend's twins. I am, but saturday was not for sure. He never responded.

-I put a new fat picture of me on my myspace, and hot as hell pilot didnt respond to a message I sent him. Hmmmmm.

-I feel like there is more news. Hmmm, well I am having breathing problems and even chest and back pains lately. I have had them for months but now they are worse. I intended to go to the doctor this week but procrastinated, kind of like what I am doing now.

I am so sad about that boy. Even if he likes me I feel frustrated, kind of like the way things were with Charles. Another smarty-boy. ERRRR.

I don't want to workout, instead I want to eat.

I want to eat chocolate and something with cheese on it.

What is the deal? This isn't me! When I was eating well I felt better and had more energy, and working out makes you want to workout more, but I just cant get my momentum going!

I guess this is the trick. I am aware that I want to sit around and eat instead of working out, and I am also aware that if I push past this laziness, inertia will set in.

The worst thing is, at this weight when I see things like the "Coyote Ugly" reality show contest, or anything else with the hot bitches, I really recognize that that isn't me anymore. Those days were great, combining my confidence today with my body back then, I would be so happy. Back then all I felt I had going for me was my looks. Now I know who I am and what I want, but getting what I want man wise, isn't as easy as I would like. It's not that guys dont find me attractive, it's that I don't feel attractive, and I am not as willing to take risks. And I am not as turned on during sex. But who really needs sex anyway, when there is trail mix?

I guess I am glad I don't look like I did when I was younger, it weeds out the assholes. Come to think about it, when I dated Charles I lost a lot of weight. I didn't have to worry about meeting someone who would like me conditionally, so I felt confident enough to lose the weight. (He was even a little disappointed :) )

I can do this. I will do this. I just need to start. I am intimidated because in the running clinic I am supposed to be running 9 run/1 walk intervals, and that just sounds like so much to do alone.

I can do it

I want trail mix more than sex

On the plane, we now have a new mix on the plane made with almonds, cashews, sweet sesame sticks, and candy coated chocolate pieces that taste better than m&m's. I can eat a bag (500+ calories) very fast. The pringles, which made me so fat, I at least thought were mediocre in taste, but this trail mix, salty, fat, and sweet all at once. I open the bag quickly, and I think "would I rather lose weight so I can have good sex, or would I rather eat these?" and I smile and think "eat these, definitely!"

The problem is, I am fat. I don't want to be fat. But I DONT WANT TO DO THE WORK to lose the weight again. Weight watchers works! It works very well, but you have to do it, and I dont want to. I want to regularly eat cheese and cookies and TRAIL MIX!!!

I had plenty of time to run today and I didn't do that either.

I would like to just get on with my life, get married, and be happy. But I am fat, and I feel unattractive, so even if a guy thinks I am attractive, I don't feel that way, so I feel less sexual. I am so mad that I gained weight. I wish I was 185 again, I wanted to lose weight, but I felt good at least.

I am too fat, and I am too lazy to lose weight

A great feeling

I have to work tomorrow, and usually around this time of night (9PM) I am really anxious, because I have to pack. Packing isn't really that hard (well it is when you are as messy as me) butt I make it hard because my anxiety paralyzes me.

But I packed when I visited my family last night, so I have nothing I have to do tonight but relax and play with my aquarium :)

I think I will try to plan ahead more often, it feels fantastic :)

...it's spiritual

I just can't believe how things have unfolded. I want anyone to reads this to understand that I got to this point after a long time, and this long time included medication, taken daily, exactly as my doctors have prescribed. When I was young, the anxiety and depression consumed me, without the medication, I am sure I would be dead by today. I would have commited suicide, because survival felt too impossible, or I would have killed myself from drugs, an STD, or some other destructive means of coping with my depression.

Medication allowed me to be human again, and allowed the neurological messages to be sent through my body, so I could get out of bed, communicate, and move through my life. Medication gave me the strength, and the understanding, to do the hard work of therapy, to understand that the way I percieved the world was incorrect, and have the courage to try a new perspective, even though I feared it would make me "shallow" like those people with good upbringings. Somehow I saw happiness, calmness, optimism, as being inauthentic, without medication, perhaps I would never understand that positivity is just as authentic as negativity, and not gotten as far as I am today.

In 2001, I knew it was the end. I knew I could not go any farther with life. I had two options, kill myself, or...I had no other options. I layed myself at the psychiatric professionals feet "I am at the end, please help me, I can't do it alone." My therapist's words were so meaningful to me, when she told me it was wrong to say that I thought a man's intrest in me was "slumming" that I had to listen for the first time ever. I sincerely believed that. I sincerely believed I was a terrible, terrible person, but since I knew I would die if I didn't listen to her, I listened. I learned that I am not only not terrible, I am actually quite caring and compassionate. I learned that I have qualites that few other people do. I learned how to talk back to the thoughts in my head that cut me down, and I was able to do this because I had the medication.

But now, I am lowering my dose. I needed it to learn new thinking, coping, and self-care skills, but now that I have learned, and I would like to think, mastered them. I am ready to come down a bit. And what is on the other side of reduced medications? Emotions! Emotions that would have paralyzed me before therapy, but I am stronger now, I have changed my style of thinking around so well that I correct people when I hear them cut themselves down.

I am ready to reduce my medication, and to take on the next wave of challenges that will come with that. I will have to confront my grief of losing my mother and my father's alcoholism. This really wasnt addressed much in the 2 years of recent therapy, instead I was learning to deal with the way I thought and, well, my sexual behavior. Now is time for a new round of growth, and thanks to the foundation I have built from taking my medication daily, and being so dedicated to therapy, I am strong enough.

In the end, the lexapro sedated me. It sedated me so the anxiety didn't paralyze me. It also helped calm my sex drive enough that I could focus on my relationships with men, and not fall so helplessly into my old patterns. Now, with a reduced dose, I am less sedated, which means I feel more creative, more driven, and more emotional. I have felt genuine sadness about Ullrich's death, and I cried my eyes out when I watched "Whale Rider" tonight. It feels amazing.

If you are suffering from depression and anxiety, or any mental health problem, stick to the psychiatric community. If you feel something isn't right, that someone doesn't understand you, find someone else (I have had more than my share of problems with some medical professionals, but I kept on until I found people who could help) Keep going, be brave enough to believe what they say, you wont believe how much life can change for the better if you do.

And if you are artistic, create. And if you can cry, cry. And if you believe in a higher power, pray.

...but since I am so mature, can I please get with the cheezy italian in NY, or the half brazilian/half argentine man? PUHLEEEZ? I deserve a good Mimbo!

The deep void in my heart that needs to be filled

What is the first red flag that you don't want to date someone? When they have a void in their heart that needs to be filled. So I know better than to admit to mine, but my lowered medication is revealing the void's existance.

I really want a boyfriend, and I know it is mostly because I am hornier now with a lower SSRI dose, but also, I can feel my feelings more, and I know that there is an achy lonliness there. The good news is, I know a man wont fill that lonliness, because that empty feeling isn't because I don't have a man, it is because I don't have a mom.

It's been 21 years, so you might think I would move on eventually, and I pretend like I have, but I don't think the effects of losing her will ever go away. I know that when I was young, I put on a strong act so as not to worry my family, so maybe I need to go through another stage of grieving that should help, but I know that seeking a man to fill it can only lead to trouble.

Speaking of upbringing and men, I am sure I would be doing much better if my dad could have handled the job of raising me. I am old enough now to recognize that his dad was mean, and his dad passed down some lovely anxious genetics which gave my dad a one-two punch that made coping with being a single parent more than he could handle. So now I go through the world trying to weed out the "weak" men. Sadly, in my mind, any flaw at all is proof of being "weak" so how can anyone ever measure up? Even being too perfect is a flaw in my eyes!

One thing I need to come to terms with is I may not get to have children. My mind might not be ready for the right man in time for my body to be ready for children. It's interesting. I feel healthy enough to have kids, but not healthy enough to meet the right guy. I think it's because I only trust myself. I can trust myself to give the kids what they need, but I cant trust a man to give me what I need. Fortunately I only want a child once I have the resources to support it. I am def. not the woman who has a one-night-stand and pretends to be on the pill, like in that Heart song.

I am proud of myself for admitting that I am lonely. I have some pride issues that say "lonely=weak. I dont need anyone" which is so unhealthy. I don't want to roam the world alone, I want a partner, I am glad I am healthy enough to know I need to be healthier, so I can be ready for him.

Not Funny

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I'm such a racist!

I embarrass myself, really. I get the hots for ethnicities. Its redic. My latest thing has been Asians, and not south Asians, because I have had the hots for them for years, now it's many southeast asians, and more so, Latinos!

In both cases, they arent even "ethnicities" they are collections of ethnicities, but my racist vagina doesnt know the difference. It makes me feel like those men on craigslist that advertise "hung white man for Asian" are there any women who actually respond to that? How demeaning!

So yeah, right now I am hottest for Latinos. It is because of the half argentine half brazilian hotness in Miami. He is pure trouble, but I still swoon thinking about him. I was showing his myspace page to Jennifer, and we were laughing at it's pure lameness. He has the "Korn" symbol on his page, and some energy drink background, AND he has a picture of himself wearing sunglasses, with a pretty girl in the reflection, and the title says "Target Locked, waiting for launch command" EWWWWWWWW! It couldn't be lamer. Truth is, I have the hots for the guy I thought he is, (he wore glasses on the plane) but he is really a douchebag. I think I am doing ok. But if he calls (which he does occasionally) I will want to answer so bad. Maybe I shouldnt even answer. Uh.

Anywho, I think I am just horny. You should hear me talk to this first officer. I am mildly embarrassed. But not really. Mostly it's just cheezy flirting, and in a joking way.

I just want a boyfriend right now, and not for the love, but for the steady stream of sex. Boo hoo.

I said I wanted energy, but...

It's nearly 3 AM and I am up doing the booty dance.

Hmmmm.

You know I have talked to professionals about me possibly being bipolar, and every time they said I wasnt. Tell you what though, I feel manic right now, and I LOVE it! Well thats a lie, I dont love that I am awake, but I love that I feel so creative, that I have energy and enthusiasm, I miss that part of me, I just assumed that I was getting old and out of shape.

Want to hear something awful, but at the same time lovely? There is a pilot who is from Iowa, his name is craig, and I am so in love with him. He was nice to me when I started here, even though I was depressed and desheviled, and now, I have my mojo back, and I have caught him looking at me like a million times this trip. He also said this weird thing (that I loved) where I was talking about working with children and he said he would bet I would have a lot of "grace" with them. He said he noticed that about me. Weird, but WOO HOO!

Thing is, he is married, and again, an absolute boy-scout. I love him to death, and want him for myself, but I keep smiling at him when I catch him looking at me, which is bad. Maybe it's not bad actually, maybe it seems like "Hi friend, I see you too!" Even though in my head I am thinking "I cant believe HE is looking at me like that!" And dont think he is a bad guy, looking at another woman even though he is married. I think he is such a good guy that he doesnt know how to be sneaky about it.

Okay. Now I have told you that I am awake at an unreasonable hour. I need to try again, because I am in BOSTON and tomorrow we are going to see the sights. (PS, thank god Kareem (remember him?) isn't working tonight.) I would have TOTALLY invited him up for sex tonight. I would have said, "do you want to come up and watch a movie after your shift?" without missing a beat.

I need to find some ways to avoid sex out of relationships too, if I am horny that is harder to resist than pringles or cookies! I would love to have more flings, but you know you can catch stuff from giving oral sex without a condom, and I dont want to use a condom for that. I just need to settle down. Good thing I am marrying super hottie pilot who wished me happy v day today :)

Yeah, I am hyper and loco in la cabeza right now.

He said "Happy Valentines Day, MMMMWAH!" Hee hee giggle

All over the place- Aching

So I forgot to refill my Lexapro prescription again. Problem is, when I forget, I can't fill it again for 3-4 days since I work 4 day trips. So this week I had 3 pills, when I should have had 4 & 1/2. So instead of taking a full dose for 2 days and no dose the last day, I decided to take 2/3 dose (1 pill instead of 1& 1/2 pill a day) I LOVE IT!

I am going to get a hold of a doctor, and ask to lower my dose. I know what I have been missing, I miss having drive, motivation, and I think it is tied to anxiety. I used to be SO AMBITIOUS, but I overwhelmed myself, and put myself back into depressions. But now I have been through therapy, and have learned new thinking and behavior, and so maybe I am ready to get a little of this anxious energy back.

What is funny though, is I am so ---

SIDE NOTE- Its Valentines day and the HOTTEST FUCKING PILOT ON THE PLANET just sent me a message on myspace! OH MY GAWD I AM GOING TO FUCKING DIE! I dont want to check it, I dont want to seem alone on valentines day, but I am alone on valentines day, oh my GOD!!!!!!!!

Ok, what I was saying is I am just so, god, whats the word? HUNGRY! Not for food, but for life! I am horny as hell. I want to read tons of literature. I want to take classes. I want to workout. I want to primp and be pretty as possible. I feel like I needed the medication to succeed in therapy, but now that I have learned new behaviors, I think I am ready to start to taste my natural biology a bit (a bit, I may never be off medication 100%)

I think I will tell my therapist first, and if she approves, tell a doctor.

WOW

But tell you what, I am a little spazzy, I need to pull it in a bit. But this crazy energy is what I need! I feel inspired! I feel that energy that I have been needing in my life :)

OOH! now to check my message :) :) :)

A life of drama

I don't want to write much about this. I really want my effort to go into resolving the issue, not blogging about it. But I have been had.

The boy in Uganda I am sponsering has not been getting all the money, if 10% disappeared, it would be one thing, but I am thinking he has only recieved 25% of what I sent (for school fees etc.) I sent a lot.

I am in the process of resolving it, and getting him into a government school. Fortunately there are 2 canadians there right now, who know the organization I worked with.

And the Ugandan I thought was my friend, who I was sending the money to, has been showing my pic and saying I am his fiance! HA HA HA That part is funny. Money stolen from a child, not funny

Humanity sucks

I can only tell you bloggy!

Oh my gosh. I cannot tell anyone this. Anyone! Why? Because if this new girl becomes my roommate, and I told someone, she would feel it, she would know...

I had a woman come to check out the room, she is a lezbot, which is cool. I actually like lesbians, they know better than to waste their time with stupid men (then again, I will take low-maintenence men over emotional, impossible to please women anytime!)

So we were chatting, and she said she usually waits a while to tell people, but she is transexual!!! I never would have guessed! She does remind me a bit of my friend's husband, but I figured that was her teeth! Weird! She sort of had a mousey look to her, but I totally thought she was chick-born.

So if she moves in, then I cant even tell Linda, which will KILL me! I need to tell someone!

Moving in aside, I have bigger things to worry about right now than a mistakenly placed penis...She is the only person I liked so far! The pickings are slim these days. I have funny stories to tell you, in fact. But I just thought of one other person I may have liked...more later (if I havent said enough already!)