Friday, March 14, 2008

I feel embarrassed and depressed, but at least I'm not going to die

Well, I think I decided not to write about it much, because I wasn't going to the doctor for it, and I didn't want to be caught being dramatic. Thats how my life seems to go, I worry about something, and then I get dramatic, and then I look stupid when it's nothing.

I have been having breathing problems since november, and it got especially bad this last week. My chest has also been tight, but in a different way than it would be when I was anxious. I got worried. I just wanted to check it out.

The doctor gave me an EKG and heart X-ray, and listened to my chest, and heard no infection sounds, so she says it's probably anxiety and the weight I gained. Good news of course, but now I feel like a hypochondriac mental patient. Oh, a fat hypochondriac mental patient.

I probably should get a different doctor, I had a weird experience with her after a pelvic exam, she left the room quickly, as if she was grossed out. I am guessing it was my wax job, since I make it a habit to shower before someone is going to be poking around down there, but I think she should have been more sensitive. Most people don't like it when people act like their private parts are disgusting.

Right now I feel depressed. She thought reducing my medication wasnt a good idea (though of course she doesnt know me) I just dont feel like there is much to look forward to. Now I have to lose weight, or deal with stupid breathing problems. Yes, that is better than a heart condition, but you know what? If I had a heart condition at least then I would have a visible disease. A disease without the stigma that depression does. Of course there is the stigma that I am overweight, so people would judge me for that, so I suppose I should count my blessings.

I will be happier if I just lose this weight. Now I have a good reason.

Want to hear something funny though? I slept on my arm wrong, and it hurts so bad i must have pulled something.

I feel very negative right now. That sucks. I feel demeaned. Have I been? I dont know

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