Last night we planned for Charles to come over this morning, and I am so glad he did. He could either see me before his first job, or in between his first and second job, and I prefered earlier, even if I don't get to sleep in, because what better way is there to start the day?
Now my sex drive isn't back to full throttle, but I definately noticed a difference. Before it was a pleasant thing to do for about 5 minutes, but then started to bore me after that. Today it was really nice. I felt my face flush, something I havent felt for ages, and afterward I felt really nice and glowy. I used to feel sort of high after sex, I don't feel like that, but I feel calm and nice. And when I saw myself in the mirror in my underwear, with my hair all hair-band big and messy, I was really pleased.
My pleasure in seeing myself in the mirror could have something to do with the 7, count them 7 pounds I have lost!!! Now I am sure this is water weight, I must have been retaining a lot (which could help explain 15 pound gain in 3 months) and so with all of the water I have been drinking my body is ready to release it, whatever the reason I am very happy. I have been very healthy in how I have been losing it. Just walking more and eating really healthy foods, so I am not concerned about the big drop. I am just pleased.
We talked some more today about the L-word. I let him know I don't want to get an IUD (condom free sex) if his feelings arent strong, like mine (sounds like an ultimatum when I type it, but thats not how it sounded when I said it.) I had a romantic plan that I wanted to wear condoms until I am married, even though I have been condomless 3 times in my life, plus the times they have broken. It's a way to make the wedding night sex special, and to keep a sort of distance until I have commited myself to someone.
I said to him that I can accept that we wont be together forever, but I am happy to be with him for now. He didn't say anything. I said, "isn't that what you want?" he said "No, thats NOT what I want." He said again that he thinks I want a guaruntee from him and I said, frustrated "thats NOT what I'm asking for! I just want you to feel the same level I do, and if you don't, then I have to protect myself, because it hurts to love someone who doesn't love you." He has said a lot about him being bad at "expressing" it, not that he didnt feel that way, and that this has been a problem with American women before, because he didn't grow up that way. I had mentioned earlier that I could wait a few months for him to feel that way, but at some point I am going to have to move on, because I shouldn't be commited to someone if there is no possibility of a future. He had brought up this comment and asked if he could have a few months to work on expressing himself. I felt very satisfied with that. It is appearing that it may be a cultural difference, but it is still important to me, especially if we were to have kids, I would want them to hear it.
Another positive resolution, I told him it hurt my feelings when he brought up his goals, suggesting I might be a distraction, when in my opinion, I would be a supportive force in his life, just the opposite. He immediately agreed with me and said that I was correct when I said he was bringing in a past relationship, and that yes, he thought I was a supportive force in his life, not a distraction. I thanked him for that and said I would stop bringing the two times I was a fool in relationships into our realationship. It was really cool to communicate with him so well.
And it's a new day. It is beautiful outside, but I think I will stay in because I am on home reserve (on-call.) Maybe I will open up the door & windows in the basement and do some spring cleaning in my storage space. i will be up to 10,000 steps in no time if I do that :)
mood: happy, and not even anxious
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Monday, May 01, 2006
So much
My life has been full of things to think about recently, but I'm doing okay.
A BIG thing...I got a foot in the door to work at Continental!!! This was last week, and really something to think about. Right now I work for a "regional" aka "the minors" Continental is the Majors!!! The reason Continental is hiring is they are expanding to do more international flying, can you imagine that??? International!!! That would be soooooo cool.
But guess what...I decided against applying. Right now I am making about $19 a block hour, that translates to almost $20,000 a year. If I were to move to Continental I would start at $16 per block hour, quite a dip. I also hold terrific senority, I have pretty much my pick of schedules, at Continental I would be on reserve for at least a year (on call, no set schedule.) With my airline, if they were to furlough, I would be safe. If continental furloughed (which let's face it, every airline does) I would be first on the list. I also am based in my home city, if I were to switch I would have to move or commute to Newark. And biggest of all, I work alone, a very good thing for an introvert. On bigger planes you have to work with other flight attendants who could at times be catty. The way I look at it is, my job ain't broke, so why fix it? I would rather focus my energy on my personal goals, which brings me to my next topic...
I joined Weight Watchers!!! I have been doing it for four days now, and my moods have improved IMMEDIATELY. Anyone reading this with depression, try eating only small portions of low-fat high-fiber foods, and taking 10,000 steps a day. I am serious. I have felt IMMEDIATELY better. I am more energetic, HAPPY, and more confident! All this time I have been eating cheese laden comfort foods when I felt low in energy, or in a sad mood, and what I should have been eating is low fat foods, and only enough to sustain me. Since eating what weight watchers says I should, I am SHOCKED by how much I was over-eating. I didn't think it was that much! I probably ate twice the food that I needed to each day! And the craziest (and most awesome) thing, guess what visited me yesterday...drumroll please...my sex drive! I have been indifferent about sex since increasing my antidepressant, not a good thing when you are having the best relationship of your life. So on the plane I was thinking, and a little "woo-hoo" showed up down there that I hadn't felt for months! So if anyone reading this has been having a low libido, try small quantities of low-fat high-fiber foods and increasing your activity. Do that- and it may increase your "activity." I look forward to trying out my new "woo-hoo" with Charles when I see him tomorrow.
Charles is the next topic. I talked to him about the word "Love" and I am both satisfied and unsatisfied with his thoughts on it. I am satisfied that he is not using me, playing me for a fool, or stringing me along. But I am unsatisfied by his perspective. He says love and commitment go hand and hand, and right now he can't commit to saying he is going to marry me (can we say baggage from prior relationships people?) I have been with him less than 4 months, I don't want a commitment that he is going to marry me, but I do want him to feel as strongly for me as I do for him. Part of it is cultural, I know, but not getting the word is building up my defenses, and my feelings for him are weakening. I have played the role of fool twice, I am completely unwilling to be that girl again. His hang-ups (especially his worry that a relationship might be a distraction from his goals) are quickly shutting down my emotional openness to him. It has been SO CHALLENGING to open up and care for a man, so this possible misunderstanding is more than enough to make me recoil. It is very possible that we wont last. I am not going to waste time being a couple if we dont have a future together, but I am going to stay with him for the time being, because I feel like I am growing a lot from our relationship, and the lessons I will learn, and the friendship I will develop, are worth the time away from the dating pool. And frankly, I just don't think I could possibly ask him to go.
All in all, what a good moment in my life. I have a job that I chose to stay with, even when offered another opportunity. I have been SO EMPOWERED in terms of my health...I can't imagine the changes in my life if I can maintain these habits. And I have a boyfriend who, in spite of a questionable future, is a blessing. yay.
And attention suicidal people...3 years ago I was suicidal, but I focused on being patient and kind with myself, worked closely with mental health professionals, and kept hope that life could be better, even though I thought I was fooling myself...but it was true. Don't give up! It will happen slowly, but if you stick to it...you will get better!
mood: so excited for my future
A BIG thing...I got a foot in the door to work at Continental!!! This was last week, and really something to think about. Right now I work for a "regional" aka "the minors" Continental is the Majors!!! The reason Continental is hiring is they are expanding to do more international flying, can you imagine that??? International!!! That would be soooooo cool.
But guess what...I decided against applying. Right now I am making about $19 a block hour, that translates to almost $20,000 a year. If I were to move to Continental I would start at $16 per block hour, quite a dip. I also hold terrific senority, I have pretty much my pick of schedules, at Continental I would be on reserve for at least a year (on call, no set schedule.) With my airline, if they were to furlough, I would be safe. If continental furloughed (which let's face it, every airline does) I would be first on the list. I also am based in my home city, if I were to switch I would have to move or commute to Newark. And biggest of all, I work alone, a very good thing for an introvert. On bigger planes you have to work with other flight attendants who could at times be catty. The way I look at it is, my job ain't broke, so why fix it? I would rather focus my energy on my personal goals, which brings me to my next topic...
I joined Weight Watchers!!! I have been doing it for four days now, and my moods have improved IMMEDIATELY. Anyone reading this with depression, try eating only small portions of low-fat high-fiber foods, and taking 10,000 steps a day. I am serious. I have felt IMMEDIATELY better. I am more energetic, HAPPY, and more confident! All this time I have been eating cheese laden comfort foods when I felt low in energy, or in a sad mood, and what I should have been eating is low fat foods, and only enough to sustain me. Since eating what weight watchers says I should, I am SHOCKED by how much I was over-eating. I didn't think it was that much! I probably ate twice the food that I needed to each day! And the craziest (and most awesome) thing, guess what visited me yesterday...drumroll please...my sex drive! I have been indifferent about sex since increasing my antidepressant, not a good thing when you are having the best relationship of your life. So on the plane I was thinking, and a little "woo-hoo" showed up down there that I hadn't felt for months! So if anyone reading this has been having a low libido, try small quantities of low-fat high-fiber foods and increasing your activity. Do that- and it may increase your "activity." I look forward to trying out my new "woo-hoo" with Charles when I see him tomorrow.
Charles is the next topic. I talked to him about the word "Love" and I am both satisfied and unsatisfied with his thoughts on it. I am satisfied that he is not using me, playing me for a fool, or stringing me along. But I am unsatisfied by his perspective. He says love and commitment go hand and hand, and right now he can't commit to saying he is going to marry me (can we say baggage from prior relationships people?) I have been with him less than 4 months, I don't want a commitment that he is going to marry me, but I do want him to feel as strongly for me as I do for him. Part of it is cultural, I know, but not getting the word is building up my defenses, and my feelings for him are weakening. I have played the role of fool twice, I am completely unwilling to be that girl again. His hang-ups (especially his worry that a relationship might be a distraction from his goals) are quickly shutting down my emotional openness to him. It has been SO CHALLENGING to open up and care for a man, so this possible misunderstanding is more than enough to make me recoil. It is very possible that we wont last. I am not going to waste time being a couple if we dont have a future together, but I am going to stay with him for the time being, because I feel like I am growing a lot from our relationship, and the lessons I will learn, and the friendship I will develop, are worth the time away from the dating pool. And frankly, I just don't think I could possibly ask him to go.
All in all, what a good moment in my life. I have a job that I chose to stay with, even when offered another opportunity. I have been SO EMPOWERED in terms of my health...I can't imagine the changes in my life if I can maintain these habits. And I have a boyfriend who, in spite of a questionable future, is a blessing. yay.
And attention suicidal people...3 years ago I was suicidal, but I focused on being patient and kind with myself, worked closely with mental health professionals, and kept hope that life could be better, even though I thought I was fooling myself...but it was true. Don't give up! It will happen slowly, but if you stick to it...you will get better!
mood: so excited for my future
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Dysfunctional, yes- but I recognize it!
Thanks to all of you for your nice comments in response to my "core" post. As you can see from my lack of posting, the laptop doesn't work, the cord was able to boot it up once, and now- nothing. I am not sure what to do, ebay it? fix it? (it already has a problem with the hard drive, so why invest more?) If I am to continue to blog I will need a laptop so I can be in my room and hotel rooms to blog, I am just not finding the inspiration...well, that is until now.
Oh Charles. A month or so ago I told him I loved him. I thought it would be a very romantic moment where he hugged me and said "I was worried to say it- I am so glad you did" (I had complained of men saying it too soon) but thats not how it happened. I was learning Kiisi, his regional language, and I asked him how to say "I love you" he told me, and I said it to him. He said it back, but then continued to talk about the linguistic aspects of it, I felt disappointed but not shattered. But at the end of the day he didn't say "I love you" and of course I was not going to start saying it if he didn't. I called him an hour after he left, when I realized what had happened, and let him know I knew he wasn't comfortable with it. We had a big talk the next day and he said a lot about not wanting to make commitments he couldn't keep (re: getting married) and his worries about not having enough time for me, and I calmed him down, pointing out that he was bringing in a lot from his last relationship, that I didn't want a commitment, nor to make one, and that I liked the space I got from his busy life (I too often have long distance romances.)
But I am hurt that he doesn't love me. And since he doesn't, my heart is hardening up, and trying to protect itself. I opened myself up and allowed myself to feel deeply for a man who I have potential with, but I had bad timing, and I regret that so much, because not getting back what I was feeling felt like a spell breaking, I felt punished for the hard work I am doing to try to trust men and to let myself care about someone, especially a man.
What my instincts want to do is turn back into bitch-vixen mode. The cruel woman who teases the man with sex, but punishes him the whole time by being cold and distant. That is how I have treated men my whole sexual life, and I don't want to fall back into that. I have no idea what to do to make these feelings go away. Telling him wont help, he will just feel guilty, which is unfair because he was honest with me- the right thing to do. If I hold onto the feelings, what good would that do? I can see them festering into passive agressive anger, and that I WILL become the bitch-vixen.
I guess what I will do is ask him again where he is at this point, if he sees us as short or long term. But I think I am thinking about the future too much. I don't want my entire present to be spent thinking about my future.
And there is the whole chemistry thing. I don't feel the way with him sexually that I have with men in the past. But of course I dont. there is not one shred of degradation in sex with him. I think I, pathologically or not, get off on the degradation. Maybe it is because of my low self-esteem. Maybe it is because it allows me to keep my heart at a distance. Maybe my brain and sexuality has been warped by American porn (absolutely.) Maybe that dominance/submission kind of stuff is just primal and very normal. Probably its a combination of all of those. My big fear is that it is just we have bad chemistry. (but that would only be on my part- he is definately hot for me) Oh- and I forgot, my anti-depressants have dampened my sex drive substantially. Ah what the hell- I am just hoping the chemistry is an unsolvable problem so we can break up and I can go back to being alone and self-loathing.
One thing that I am doing is joining Weight Watchers. He calls me beautiful, I think I look like a white trash cow. It is time for me to stop abusing myself with unkind evaluations of my beauty. I AM beautiful, all 200 pounds of me, but I don't feel at my best, and I need to take control and get to where I want to be.
Uh! I am very tired. I have gotten up before 5 both this morning and yesterday, and flying just takes the piss out of me. I need to sleep before I make any rash decisions, like breaking up with him because he doesn't love me after 2 months. But when are you supposed to love someone? Uh! I need to go to bed.
OH! and I forgot- I just flew a trip with the captian who left me at the hotel 6 months ago. He was exceptionally nice, but I am sure being with him for 4 days could have put a little damper on my mood. Ah! Glad I realized that.
Oh Charles. A month or so ago I told him I loved him. I thought it would be a very romantic moment where he hugged me and said "I was worried to say it- I am so glad you did" (I had complained of men saying it too soon) but thats not how it happened. I was learning Kiisi, his regional language, and I asked him how to say "I love you" he told me, and I said it to him. He said it back, but then continued to talk about the linguistic aspects of it, I felt disappointed but not shattered. But at the end of the day he didn't say "I love you" and of course I was not going to start saying it if he didn't. I called him an hour after he left, when I realized what had happened, and let him know I knew he wasn't comfortable with it. We had a big talk the next day and he said a lot about not wanting to make commitments he couldn't keep (re: getting married) and his worries about not having enough time for me, and I calmed him down, pointing out that he was bringing in a lot from his last relationship, that I didn't want a commitment, nor to make one, and that I liked the space I got from his busy life (I too often have long distance romances.)
But I am hurt that he doesn't love me. And since he doesn't, my heart is hardening up, and trying to protect itself. I opened myself up and allowed myself to feel deeply for a man who I have potential with, but I had bad timing, and I regret that so much, because not getting back what I was feeling felt like a spell breaking, I felt punished for the hard work I am doing to try to trust men and to let myself care about someone, especially a man.
What my instincts want to do is turn back into bitch-vixen mode. The cruel woman who teases the man with sex, but punishes him the whole time by being cold and distant. That is how I have treated men my whole sexual life, and I don't want to fall back into that. I have no idea what to do to make these feelings go away. Telling him wont help, he will just feel guilty, which is unfair because he was honest with me- the right thing to do. If I hold onto the feelings, what good would that do? I can see them festering into passive agressive anger, and that I WILL become the bitch-vixen.
I guess what I will do is ask him again where he is at this point, if he sees us as short or long term. But I think I am thinking about the future too much. I don't want my entire present to be spent thinking about my future.
And there is the whole chemistry thing. I don't feel the way with him sexually that I have with men in the past. But of course I dont. there is not one shred of degradation in sex with him. I think I, pathologically or not, get off on the degradation. Maybe it is because of my low self-esteem. Maybe it is because it allows me to keep my heart at a distance. Maybe my brain and sexuality has been warped by American porn (absolutely.) Maybe that dominance/submission kind of stuff is just primal and very normal. Probably its a combination of all of those. My big fear is that it is just we have bad chemistry. (but that would only be on my part- he is definately hot for me) Oh- and I forgot, my anti-depressants have dampened my sex drive substantially. Ah what the hell- I am just hoping the chemistry is an unsolvable problem so we can break up and I can go back to being alone and self-loathing.
One thing that I am doing is joining Weight Watchers. He calls me beautiful, I think I look like a white trash cow. It is time for me to stop abusing myself with unkind evaluations of my beauty. I AM beautiful, all 200 pounds of me, but I don't feel at my best, and I need to take control and get to where I want to be.
Uh! I am very tired. I have gotten up before 5 both this morning and yesterday, and flying just takes the piss out of me. I need to sleep before I make any rash decisions, like breaking up with him because he doesn't love me after 2 months. But when are you supposed to love someone? Uh! I need to go to bed.
OH! and I forgot- I just flew a trip with the captian who left me at the hotel 6 months ago. He was exceptionally nice, but I am sure being with him for 4 days could have put a little damper on my mood. Ah! Glad I realized that.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Monday, April 03, 2006
the core
I just visited my favorite blogs for the first time in months. I feel right now like I used to feel when I wrote on here. My inside is tapped. Lately in my life I have been operating on a surface level. Since roomie is nearly always home I am continuously in "public" mode, the mode where I am focused on expressing myself verbally & responding to the environment, so I don't ever get a chance to "zone out." I can't even relax in front of the TV, because she will start talking to me, forcing me to interact.
I have been sitting here for at least 10 minutes writing and deleting, just trying to put into words what it is that I am needing but am not getting often enough. I wouldn't say I succeeded, the message is still trapped in my head, I havent found the english to explain it. But in a way I just said it. That is the process that I love. I love having abstract ideas, and going through the process of understanding it, and then recording it on my blog. With Tera here I can't get the focus I need. I am really excited to be getting the power cord for my laptop so I can start writing in my bedroom. And I am excited to be feeling the blogging bug again. I have made a point to post now and then, but lately it has just been a recording of events, not an exploration of thoughts and ideas. I am excited that I might get that, and perhaps myself, back.
I have been sitting here for at least 10 minutes writing and deleting, just trying to put into words what it is that I am needing but am not getting often enough. I wouldn't say I succeeded, the message is still trapped in my head, I havent found the english to explain it. But in a way I just said it. That is the process that I love. I love having abstract ideas, and going through the process of understanding it, and then recording it on my blog. With Tera here I can't get the focus I need. I am really excited to be getting the power cord for my laptop so I can start writing in my bedroom. And I am excited to be feeling the blogging bug again. I have made a point to post now and then, but lately it has just been a recording of events, not an exploration of thoughts and ideas. I am excited that I might get that, and perhaps myself, back.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Yay Ebay!
I just won a powercord to recharge the laptop that Francis gave me. If that works, I plan to get a WiFi card, and hopefully have my blog up and running again. I think there are plenty of reasons of why I haven't been blogging as much, but I think the number one reason has to be my roommate's mouth. She loves to talk during movies and TV shows, so as you can imagine, she loves to talk to me when I am trying to turn my thoughts into words. It wouldn't be as bad if what she was saying had a purpose, but I got so sick of her interrupting meaningful moments of writing with comments like "that is such a stupid commercial", that the habit has been broken.
I imagine part of my distance from the computer is healthy, but most of it is me, not wanting to hate the person I live with, so I avoid activities with her that will drive me crazy (watching TV, or movies with her, or doing anything that requires concentration while she is within a 15 foot radius)
I imagine part of my distance from the computer is healthy, but most of it is me, not wanting to hate the person I live with, so I avoid activities with her that will drive me crazy (watching TV, or movies with her, or doing anything that requires concentration while she is within a 15 foot radius)
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Ima big shot
I am at a hotel about to head to bed.
Today I went to a union steward training class, and I went out to a restauraunt afterwards with the group, a lawyer paid for our meals, and good thing...I think mine must have come to $60!!!
I chatted with a Union bigwig who's nephew is a well known Senator. He liked me because I didn't kiss up quite as much as everyone else, and I asked him advice on how to order a meal from a crazy restauraunt that charges for asparagus what I would pay for an entire meal at my kind of restaurant. The union leaders seemed very impressed. They raved about how they loved me. I enjoyed that.
Bigwig was very persistant that I contact this guy in my home state about a political organization he is starting. I know to succeed in life its not what you know its who you know, and I just got one hell of a contact, but I do NOT CARE to follow up. I will though, because I think it would offend him if I didn't (and I will see him at the next union things)
What a night. I have my opinions about one of the Vice Chairs of the union, and it's fair to say that the group is a little wild and crazy, but I want to see if I can get past the judgement and personality differences, and work together towards the greater cause, making my company a better place to work.
I don't know how I feel right now. I feel a little wary, like I am going to be pushed to be more involved than I want (this happened in my political incarnation of my life) It's really a compliment that I get pushed like that, it means people see something in me, but I need to know how to assert my limits.
What a night. A fun one, I can say that much at least.
mood: very uncertian
Today I went to a union steward training class, and I went out to a restauraunt afterwards with the group, a lawyer paid for our meals, and good thing...I think mine must have come to $60!!!
I chatted with a Union bigwig who's nephew is a well known Senator. He liked me because I didn't kiss up quite as much as everyone else, and I asked him advice on how to order a meal from a crazy restauraunt that charges for asparagus what I would pay for an entire meal at my kind of restaurant. The union leaders seemed very impressed. They raved about how they loved me. I enjoyed that.
Bigwig was very persistant that I contact this guy in my home state about a political organization he is starting. I know to succeed in life its not what you know its who you know, and I just got one hell of a contact, but I do NOT CARE to follow up. I will though, because I think it would offend him if I didn't (and I will see him at the next union things)
What a night. I have my opinions about one of the Vice Chairs of the union, and it's fair to say that the group is a little wild and crazy, but I want to see if I can get past the judgement and personality differences, and work together towards the greater cause, making my company a better place to work.
I don't know how I feel right now. I feel a little wary, like I am going to be pushed to be more involved than I want (this happened in my political incarnation of my life) It's really a compliment that I get pushed like that, it means people see something in me, but I need to know how to assert my limits.
What a night. A fun one, I can say that much at least.
mood: very uncertian
Hey thanks!
Thank you to those of you who still read and comment, even though I haven't been good at reading and commenting on your sites, or responding to your comments.
They are noticed, and really appreciated :)
They are noticed, and really appreciated :)
Saturday, March 18, 2006
My Liberal White Brethren
I just returned home from a screening of the film "Water" by Deepa Mehta at the museum I just quit. The theme of the movie was to let your concience and compassion win when it conflicts with your faith. It also demonstrated the way people use faith to benefit themselves. The movie took place in India in 1938, it had very tragic elements to it, but it was easier to swallow since there have been 60+ years for things to improve. The director was there for the screening, which was a nice surprise. At the end she took questions.
As soon as I got there I felt uncomfortable right away. People have SUCH attitude there. I saw the ushers telling other people to go to the other door, so as I approached the door I looked at my ticket to see if my seats were at this entrance or the other. I cant explain it, but I just hated the way the ushers were. They, like so many people there, just acted SO self-important. I found Emma (yes! my old roomate Emma) and sat down, looking at the group I was surrounded by. I felt like I was floating on an ocean of egos.
During the film you could hear huffs and groans at the appropriate parts, as if people were announcing "I am aware that that was a tragic moment." I overheard a woman whispering to her friend "I already knew what was going to happen" a feat that was not spectacular enough to announce. When the Director was answering questions, heads nodded furiously, so they could properly display that they knew and aggreed with what she was saying.
The most embarrassing of them all was, to me, the announcer. The over-defferencial way she addressed the director, to me, seemed condescending. She tried so hard with her questions, with one she went on and on about a young actress, when the appropriate thing, in my opinion, would have been to ASK about the actress, and let the director rave about her.
In the end, I think the Director came out on top. Someone asked a weird question, like (paraphrasing) "What other issues are there in India?" she basically said (very politely) "how about instead, focusing on the problems in your own back yard" to which a Hindi speaking audience member followed with Bolly-Bolly (or Bali-Bali) whatever that means.
I felt so embarrassed about the behavior of my people, the white liberals. Geez, you don't get to be celebrated for being not-ignorant. I am hopeful that what I was witnessing was the attitudes of my parent's generation. Perhaps they are the next step of progress from their parent's generation. The 60's was a big step, but we still have a way to go, and my generation is just another step forward.
In the end it will be hard to remove American whites' feeling that they are somehow more special than anyone else. Why? Because take away that specialness, that feeling that we have our shit together and the rest of the world (including other Americans) just can't get it together, thats why things are as they are, we have nothing. When the Europeans came to America they were told to throw away their culture, that their identity was now "American" nothing else, so now all that whites have is our consumer culture, and that intoxicating feeling that we are special. And, just in case the people around us arent aware of that specialness, we will nod our heads vigorously to let them know.
mood: special
As soon as I got there I felt uncomfortable right away. People have SUCH attitude there. I saw the ushers telling other people to go to the other door, so as I approached the door I looked at my ticket to see if my seats were at this entrance or the other. I cant explain it, but I just hated the way the ushers were. They, like so many people there, just acted SO self-important. I found Emma (yes! my old roomate Emma) and sat down, looking at the group I was surrounded by. I felt like I was floating on an ocean of egos.
During the film you could hear huffs and groans at the appropriate parts, as if people were announcing "I am aware that that was a tragic moment." I overheard a woman whispering to her friend "I already knew what was going to happen" a feat that was not spectacular enough to announce. When the Director was answering questions, heads nodded furiously, so they could properly display that they knew and aggreed with what she was saying.
The most embarrassing of them all was, to me, the announcer. The over-defferencial way she addressed the director, to me, seemed condescending. She tried so hard with her questions, with one she went on and on about a young actress, when the appropriate thing, in my opinion, would have been to ASK about the actress, and let the director rave about her.
In the end, I think the Director came out on top. Someone asked a weird question, like (paraphrasing) "What other issues are there in India?" she basically said (very politely) "how about instead, focusing on the problems in your own back yard" to which a Hindi speaking audience member followed with Bolly-Bolly (or Bali-Bali) whatever that means.
I felt so embarrassed about the behavior of my people, the white liberals. Geez, you don't get to be celebrated for being not-ignorant. I am hopeful that what I was witnessing was the attitudes of my parent's generation. Perhaps they are the next step of progress from their parent's generation. The 60's was a big step, but we still have a way to go, and my generation is just another step forward.
In the end it will be hard to remove American whites' feeling that they are somehow more special than anyone else. Why? Because take away that specialness, that feeling that we have our shit together and the rest of the world (including other Americans) just can't get it together, thats why things are as they are, we have nothing. When the Europeans came to America they were told to throw away their culture, that their identity was now "American" nothing else, so now all that whites have is our consumer culture, and that intoxicating feeling that we are special. And, just in case the people around us arent aware of that specialness, we will nod our heads vigorously to let them know.
mood: special
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Dear Tera,
When you moved in, I worked really hard to make you feel at home. I tried to play music that both of us like, politely bantered with you when I had no interest in socializing, and said "yes" to your suggestions, so you could feel like it's your place too, since a person could possibly feel like a guest if they move into a fully furnished apartment.
I let it go when you used our shared Netflix to order "The count of Monte Cristo" both discs, so there were no alternative movies to order. I let it go that you wouldn't return "Rize" or "Hustle and flow" becuase you wanted to watch them 3-10 times, meaning no other movies in our queue could come until they were returned. I even let it go that you moved my excercise DVD down the list. But for you to return my excercise CD, before I could even use it, is beyond insulting. The worst part is you owe me $900 dollars, I am PAYING 100% of the Netflix, and you had the audacity to return the DVD I chose, and havent even used yet.
You should feel so lucky you weren't here when I got home. I was so enraged that I would have probably said things you might not forgive me for. I am starting my period, and I went without medication for 4 days, but they are only the catalyst that has brought out feelings I have had built up.
I have decided to assert stronger boundaries. I should have done this right away, but I was afraid you would read it as unfriendly (perhaps a sign that I perceive weak boundaries in you.)
1. I want rent and utilities on the first of every month. It was my fault for not asking you to pay me, but if I were in your shoes I would have asked a few days before the 1st how much I owed. It's just common courtesy.
2. I don't want to pay $100 a month for full use of your car. I think you should still let me use it to get groceries, if not, you should pay for 1/2 of the internet costs.
3. Please refrain from unconstructive complaining. Saying "America Sucks" doesn't accomplish anything except impose your foul mood onto me. When I reframe things you say from negative and hopeless to empowering, it's not to cheer you up, its to protect myself from absorbing that unhealthy thinking.
4. P.S. I am not going to say this to your face, but miss, you are a student with a part time job, what the fuck are you spending $20 a month on face wash, and using MAC makeup and Aveda shampoo for? Earth to Tera, you arent rich, you cant afford that kind of luxury.
-------turns out it was under a blanket! Sure glad I didn't blow up at her!
I let it go when you used our shared Netflix to order "The count of Monte Cristo" both discs, so there were no alternative movies to order. I let it go that you wouldn't return "Rize" or "Hustle and flow" becuase you wanted to watch them 3-10 times, meaning no other movies in our queue could come until they were returned. I even let it go that you moved my excercise DVD down the list. But for you to return my excercise CD, before I could even use it, is beyond insulting. The worst part is you owe me $900 dollars, I am PAYING 100% of the Netflix, and you had the audacity to return the DVD I chose, and havent even used yet.
You should feel so lucky you weren't here when I got home. I was so enraged that I would have probably said things you might not forgive me for. I am starting my period, and I went without medication for 4 days, but they are only the catalyst that has brought out feelings I have had built up.
I have decided to assert stronger boundaries. I should have done this right away, but I was afraid you would read it as unfriendly (perhaps a sign that I perceive weak boundaries in you.)
1. I want rent and utilities on the first of every month. It was my fault for not asking you to pay me, but if I were in your shoes I would have asked a few days before the 1st how much I owed. It's just common courtesy.
2. I don't want to pay $100 a month for full use of your car. I think you should still let me use it to get groceries, if not, you should pay for 1/2 of the internet costs.
3. Please refrain from unconstructive complaining. Saying "America Sucks" doesn't accomplish anything except impose your foul mood onto me. When I reframe things you say from negative and hopeless to empowering, it's not to cheer you up, its to protect myself from absorbing that unhealthy thinking.
4. P.S. I am not going to say this to your face, but miss, you are a student with a part time job, what the fuck are you spending $20 a month on face wash, and using MAC makeup and Aveda shampoo for? Earth to Tera, you arent rich, you cant afford that kind of luxury.
-------turns out it was under a blanket! Sure glad I didn't blow up at her!
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
:)
It's probably the sixth or seventh evening I have spent with Charles, and while the sex has gotten progressively better each time, this time was very good! The biggest part is thanks to a birth control I have found so I am not freaking out every second worrying about the condom breaking. I relaxed, and it was nice.
I feel so hopeful. I was afraid that every thing was there except that crucial chemistry. I felt warm fuzzies when I would think of him but not butterflies. I was very concerned that I wouldn't be able to muster up enthusiasm forever for being with him. Turns out, I just need to RELAX. And I am going to be patient with myself. OF COURSE I am going to have a hard time relaxing with him. He has long term potential. He has love potential. Thats freaky. No need to push myself any faster than I can naturally go.
AAAAAAH!
mood: glowy, a little anxious
I feel so hopeful. I was afraid that every thing was there except that crucial chemistry. I felt warm fuzzies when I would think of him but not butterflies. I was very concerned that I wouldn't be able to muster up enthusiasm forever for being with him. Turns out, I just need to RELAX. And I am going to be patient with myself. OF COURSE I am going to have a hard time relaxing with him. He has long term potential. He has love potential. Thats freaky. No need to push myself any faster than I can naturally go.
AAAAAAH!
mood: glowy, a little anxious
Monday, March 06, 2006
Sunday, March 05, 2006
She runs hot and cold
Last night myself, my "sister" Linda, and her co-worker participated in an event where we raced down a hill on an inflatable mattress to raise money for an organization that helps people in transition with furniture, especially beds.
We wore our pyjamas with several layers underneath. Over the pyjamas we wore bathrobes with wing-shaped wire hangers covered in white pantyhose pinned to the back, and black pantyhose stuffed with crumpled newspaper as legs pinned to the front. On our heads we wore wire with foam balls on the ends, with our hats holding them in place. We were dressed as bed-bugs. Yes, you were supposed to dress up.
There were four of us, but one came down with a 102 degree fever on race day. We went to the event without a 4th team member, and solicited a replacement when we arrived. Many people acted as if we were trying to sell them something when we asked them, but in only minutes we met up with Alexandra, an outgoing 22 year old who was with another team participating in the race.
The first time down the hill was very fun, we spun in circles, and got last, or second to last place. We were to get a second turn down the hill, but we had to wait for all 148 teams to finish their first heat. I stayed relatively comfortable until the last half hour, but Linda and her colleague were really suffering. At one point we decided if they didnt call our number (58) in the next 10 minutes we would leave. Only a minute later they called up teams 50-100 and we immediately trudged up the hill for our anticipated second trip down.
When we got to the top they were calling teams 68-72 for a heat. We had just reached the top of the hill, and they had skipped us already! Teams 59 and 60 were in the same boat. We let the people in charge know what happened, and they said "We'll get you a heat." We watched two more heats go down and we reminded them we were there. They said they would let everyone go, and then let us go. We said to each other "thats only two more heats before they reach 100, when they call a new group up." All of a sudden they were calling 102, they were intending to make us wait for all 148 teams go before we got a chance! My teammates were close to frostbite so we headed back down the hill, on foot, not on a matress.
Staying as long as we did was not without entertainment. Apparentely our adorable Alexandra acted shocked to find out that none of the three of us, approaching 30, had children, and found out (seperately) that she had been proposed to 4 different times. I also got to enjoy a man yelling down at her saying "I'm going to find you yellow" and her dancing down the hill saying, "you can't, I'm leaving now" and sharing it loudly with the group when we got to the bottom that a man was flirting with her. FYI she wasn't a babe. Hee hee.
Could my day today be any more different? I deadheaded in the afternoon from my snowy home to El Paso. I enjoyed a 3 hour conversation with a man who owns a lighting firm. When I arrived at the hotel, I gave Angel, a very nice employee, a keychain from my state, (he collects them.) I put on a long sleeve shirt and pants, and ran/walked outside for 20 minutes, then walked for another 45 minutes. I walked through a residential area which was quite nice, despite the bars on all of the windows, and a stove in one front lawn. I got so hot that I decided for safety to get a large water, it was a good thing becuase I was feeling minorly hazy.
As I was walking back to the hotel I took a short cut through a parking lot. It turned out to be a dead end, blocked off by a high wall. I considered walking back but said "I'm still young Damn it!" I climbed a grate to the top of the wall, and jumped a short 6 feet to a concrete block. I walked through the high grass, and down a steep edge. I felt satisfaction that I was not yet an old white lady.
For dinner we went to the very popular "Carlos and Mickeys" and I am proud to say I ordered the cheeseless "Flacos Enchiladas" and drank water, no margarita. After we ate we watched mariachis play, and enjoyed an impromptu rendition of "Have you ever seen the rain" by the bartender. As we left the bar the pilots talked to the Mariachi performers about their guitars, and I topped the night off with a soak in the Hot tub.
My days are very full, I cant believe I fit so much living into one day. It is time to go to bed, so I am ready for a full tomorrow.
mood: good
We wore our pyjamas with several layers underneath. Over the pyjamas we wore bathrobes with wing-shaped wire hangers covered in white pantyhose pinned to the back, and black pantyhose stuffed with crumpled newspaper as legs pinned to the front. On our heads we wore wire with foam balls on the ends, with our hats holding them in place. We were dressed as bed-bugs. Yes, you were supposed to dress up.
There were four of us, but one came down with a 102 degree fever on race day. We went to the event without a 4th team member, and solicited a replacement when we arrived. Many people acted as if we were trying to sell them something when we asked them, but in only minutes we met up with Alexandra, an outgoing 22 year old who was with another team participating in the race.
The first time down the hill was very fun, we spun in circles, and got last, or second to last place. We were to get a second turn down the hill, but we had to wait for all 148 teams to finish their first heat. I stayed relatively comfortable until the last half hour, but Linda and her colleague were really suffering. At one point we decided if they didnt call our number (58) in the next 10 minutes we would leave. Only a minute later they called up teams 50-100 and we immediately trudged up the hill for our anticipated second trip down.
When we got to the top they were calling teams 68-72 for a heat. We had just reached the top of the hill, and they had skipped us already! Teams 59 and 60 were in the same boat. We let the people in charge know what happened, and they said "We'll get you a heat." We watched two more heats go down and we reminded them we were there. They said they would let everyone go, and then let us go. We said to each other "thats only two more heats before they reach 100, when they call a new group up." All of a sudden they were calling 102, they were intending to make us wait for all 148 teams go before we got a chance! My teammates were close to frostbite so we headed back down the hill, on foot, not on a matress.
Staying as long as we did was not without entertainment. Apparentely our adorable Alexandra acted shocked to find out that none of the three of us, approaching 30, had children, and found out (seperately) that she had been proposed to 4 different times. I also got to enjoy a man yelling down at her saying "I'm going to find you yellow" and her dancing down the hill saying, "you can't, I'm leaving now" and sharing it loudly with the group when we got to the bottom that a man was flirting with her. FYI she wasn't a babe. Hee hee.
Could my day today be any more different? I deadheaded in the afternoon from my snowy home to El Paso. I enjoyed a 3 hour conversation with a man who owns a lighting firm. When I arrived at the hotel, I gave Angel, a very nice employee, a keychain from my state, (he collects them.) I put on a long sleeve shirt and pants, and ran/walked outside for 20 minutes, then walked for another 45 minutes. I walked through a residential area which was quite nice, despite the bars on all of the windows, and a stove in one front lawn. I got so hot that I decided for safety to get a large water, it was a good thing becuase I was feeling minorly hazy.
As I was walking back to the hotel I took a short cut through a parking lot. It turned out to be a dead end, blocked off by a high wall. I considered walking back but said "I'm still young Damn it!" I climbed a grate to the top of the wall, and jumped a short 6 feet to a concrete block. I walked through the high grass, and down a steep edge. I felt satisfaction that I was not yet an old white lady.
For dinner we went to the very popular "Carlos and Mickeys" and I am proud to say I ordered the cheeseless "Flacos Enchiladas" and drank water, no margarita. After we ate we watched mariachis play, and enjoyed an impromptu rendition of "Have you ever seen the rain" by the bartender. As we left the bar the pilots talked to the Mariachi performers about their guitars, and I topped the night off with a soak in the Hot tub.
My days are very full, I cant believe I fit so much living into one day. It is time to go to bed, so I am ready for a full tomorrow.
mood: good
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Honesty
Yesterday at my therapy appointment Dr. T. said "Something isn't right- you are saying you are so happy, but I can just sense something that doesn't match what you are saying." It's true. My life is so much different, but the depression is back, not fully, but it's there.
I feel regularly that my life leads me, I am not leading my life. I think a big part of it may be my roommate. She is an extrovert, she is very close to her siblings, so she really likes attention, and she is not gone on the days I am off, so I am not getting the time alone I need.
I have gained weight. The scale has said 200 pounds lately. I am upset about that. Prince Charles has NO problem with it, but I do.
I was just sorting through a bag of school notes from the semester that I had done so well, because of a successful anxiety medication, and then halfway through became suicidal. That was the semester that I, and my life, changed so much. I had tears welling in my eyes, I was feeling very emotional. My roommate came home, and I just mentioned how I missed school. She invited me to sit in on a class and I said that I wanted more than just a lecture, and as I was saying what it was I missed I heard "I look so good in boy shorts, see?" It was sort of a funny moment, she isn't as self centered as she sounds, but it just goes to show how I am feeling lately. I have included her into my life, but don't know how to assert that I need more autonomy. (She doesn't need it...she was born into a life shared with others) I was feeling really centered until she came home
And my last complaint, I haven't been blogging. I am not as dependant on the computer any more, things change, thats okay. I am going to go back to my old strategy "It doesn't have to be good...just write" I don't think that my posts lately are ones that I would be interested in reading if they werent about me, but at least I am writing something.
Off to bed, I was having such a calm night, enjoying the quiet, the ability to retreat deeply into my brain, not having my thoughts interrupted by responses to the news stories and comments on the evening party plans. This is life. Part of life is listening to people tell you that the polar bear club sounds like hell to them. I wish I lived alone, but if I am to get married one day, I think I should practice.
mood: agitated
I feel regularly that my life leads me, I am not leading my life. I think a big part of it may be my roommate. She is an extrovert, she is very close to her siblings, so she really likes attention, and she is not gone on the days I am off, so I am not getting the time alone I need.
I have gained weight. The scale has said 200 pounds lately. I am upset about that. Prince Charles has NO problem with it, but I do.
I was just sorting through a bag of school notes from the semester that I had done so well, because of a successful anxiety medication, and then halfway through became suicidal. That was the semester that I, and my life, changed so much. I had tears welling in my eyes, I was feeling very emotional. My roommate came home, and I just mentioned how I missed school. She invited me to sit in on a class and I said that I wanted more than just a lecture, and as I was saying what it was I missed I heard "I look so good in boy shorts, see?" It was sort of a funny moment, she isn't as self centered as she sounds, but it just goes to show how I am feeling lately. I have included her into my life, but don't know how to assert that I need more autonomy. (She doesn't need it...she was born into a life shared with others) I was feeling really centered until she came home
And my last complaint, I haven't been blogging. I am not as dependant on the computer any more, things change, thats okay. I am going to go back to my old strategy "It doesn't have to be good...just write" I don't think that my posts lately are ones that I would be interested in reading if they werent about me, but at least I am writing something.
Off to bed, I was having such a calm night, enjoying the quiet, the ability to retreat deeply into my brain, not having my thoughts interrupted by responses to the news stories and comments on the evening party plans. This is life. Part of life is listening to people tell you that the polar bear club sounds like hell to them. I wish I lived alone, but if I am to get married one day, I think I should practice.
mood: agitated
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Kevin Federline kissed my hand
Today after leaving the plane on the way home I was blocked on the moving walkway by three young men. They moved sexily and fluidly, and smelled faintly like cologne. I knew immediately that they were dancers.
As I approached them from behind I said "can I pass you on the left?" the shortest one moved aside, and as I walked by asked me "Do you know where we can smoke?" I said "I'm going that way, I will show you." They were young, they looked 19 or 20, and I wondered if they were going to have time to smoke and still make their connecting flight. I asked them where their connecting gate was, and when they didn't know I looked on the screens and found it for them. It was on the way, they had time.
I walked with them and chatted. I asked them where they were going, and they said LA for an audition...for a movie and as backup dancers. The were coming from Montreal. We joked around a little bit, they said something and I said "Hey! The American educational system isn't THAT bad" The one who looked like a well dressed Kevin Federline (except handsome) with shoulder length hair asked me if I knew where Canada was. I said "South America" the shorter one asked me if I was kidding I said "of course" but KF didn't catch on. He was like "Canada is North" and I said "Yeah, in the northern part of South America." Eventually I was like "come on, of course I am joking- I'm a better actor than you are" but he forgot and picked on me about it a few minutes later.
When we got to the area that I was to keep going they invited me to come with them. I said sure and stood outside with them. KF decided to start quizzing me on the two letter abbreviations of my states. I got one or two wrong, and he said "I know more about your states than you do." He was being playful, but I still called him on it, I said he was deciding I was an American stereotype and bullying me unfairly. He asked me what country I hated the most. I said I don't hate any countries, so he said what government do you hate the most. I said Sudan. He asked me what I thought of the Iranian government, I said that all I know is they say they want to wipe Isreal off the map, and I don't approve of destroying entire countries. KF and the tall boy with high hair were Iranian (Persian) and the shorter boy was Eritrean.
After their smoke they invited to come with while they got something to eat. I was excited, I loved being around them and their big personalities. As we walked KF asked if I spoke french. I don't so of course they started saying french things. Of course they were making jokes, but I don't think they were unkind.
The shorter man INSISTED I got a slice of Pizza, so I finally relented. We sat at a set of tables by the gate and I asked KF to tell me what I should know about Iran. He was very smart and articulate, especially for a sexy 22 year old! I learned about Eritrea too.
Why do I have this life? How cool was my evening? How lucky am I? Very. On the way home I talked to Charles (Did I mention he is my boyfriend now? :) ) and he told me about a childrens book he is going to write a critique on becuase of it's cultural mistakes and stereotypes. And I get to have him as a boyfriend!
And tonight I got to write to a favorite e-mail buddy for over an hour. I have a great life!
mood: ready for bed!
As I approached them from behind I said "can I pass you on the left?" the shortest one moved aside, and as I walked by asked me "Do you know where we can smoke?" I said "I'm going that way, I will show you." They were young, they looked 19 or 20, and I wondered if they were going to have time to smoke and still make their connecting flight. I asked them where their connecting gate was, and when they didn't know I looked on the screens and found it for them. It was on the way, they had time.
I walked with them and chatted. I asked them where they were going, and they said LA for an audition...for a movie and as backup dancers. The were coming from Montreal. We joked around a little bit, they said something and I said "Hey! The American educational system isn't THAT bad" The one who looked like a well dressed Kevin Federline (except handsome) with shoulder length hair asked me if I knew where Canada was. I said "South America" the shorter one asked me if I was kidding I said "of course" but KF didn't catch on. He was like "Canada is North" and I said "Yeah, in the northern part of South America." Eventually I was like "come on, of course I am joking- I'm a better actor than you are" but he forgot and picked on me about it a few minutes later.
When we got to the area that I was to keep going they invited me to come with them. I said sure and stood outside with them. KF decided to start quizzing me on the two letter abbreviations of my states. I got one or two wrong, and he said "I know more about your states than you do." He was being playful, but I still called him on it, I said he was deciding I was an American stereotype and bullying me unfairly. He asked me what country I hated the most. I said I don't hate any countries, so he said what government do you hate the most. I said Sudan. He asked me what I thought of the Iranian government, I said that all I know is they say they want to wipe Isreal off the map, and I don't approve of destroying entire countries. KF and the tall boy with high hair were Iranian (Persian) and the shorter boy was Eritrean.
After their smoke they invited to come with while they got something to eat. I was excited, I loved being around them and their big personalities. As we walked KF asked if I spoke french. I don't so of course they started saying french things. Of course they were making jokes, but I don't think they were unkind.
The shorter man INSISTED I got a slice of Pizza, so I finally relented. We sat at a set of tables by the gate and I asked KF to tell me what I should know about Iran. He was very smart and articulate, especially for a sexy 22 year old! I learned about Eritrea too.
Why do I have this life? How cool was my evening? How lucky am I? Very. On the way home I talked to Charles (Did I mention he is my boyfriend now? :) ) and he told me about a childrens book he is going to write a critique on becuase of it's cultural mistakes and stereotypes. And I get to have him as a boyfriend!
And tonight I got to write to a favorite e-mail buddy for over an hour. I have a great life!
mood: ready for bed!
Friday, February 17, 2006
I can't believe this is my life!
Yeah so tonight we got a ride home from the D.J. Yeah, the D.J. drove us home. We left the bar with him, went into the booth while he got his equiptment, and all loaded up into his truck, with my roommate draped over the three of us in the back seat. We were going to hang out with his brother, him, and a few others but the night sort of fizzled, so they dropped everyone off.
So I know its not THAT big of a deal, but 10 years ago that would have been my DREAM COME TRUE! I wanted to be a DJ when I was in college, and just to hang out with one would have been so cool. I just like looking at my life and reflecting on what my fantasies of what I wished it could be and comparing them. My life really has over time become what I wished it could be, the funny thing is, now I am old enough to not care so much about such things.
So since I havent been posting much lately, maybe I can describe what my life has been. It has been a lot the same, but on thursday nights my roommate and I go to a reggae night at a nearby bar. There is a Reggae band playing upstairs, and then a "den of iniquity" downstairs playing dancehall and a little hip hop. The concert is where I met Charles, "The Kenyan prince" oh, and did I mention, he is my boyfriend now, and he treats me like gold.
Charles is the big deal in my life. I talk to him daily, and I really enjoy and respect him. Just yesterday we were laying in bed and he was telling me about a book he heard about on NPR. This is another dream come true! He is so considerate, and SOOOOO smart, hard working and just UH! So great. He seems to think I am pretty great too, last night he said "It's hard to find a woman who is both beautiful and humble" and I thought that was so great, since I think I am beautiful, but hardly enough to be at risk of affecting my humility. It sure is nice to have someone think that of me!
I guess I have a lot to write. I miss my blog. I have felt life sweeping me along lately, so I havent been reflecting as much, since I have been so busy just letting it all happen. Some might say thats a good thing, I think it is something I would like to change a bit. I value my blog, it has become a part of me. If my life is now much more fun or active, than why not commemerate it as much as I did my tortured feelings? And I have felt plenty of stress lately, stress that could be dissapated by writing.
I visited the psychiatrist for a follow up. He mentioned a Orthodox jewish tradition of saying a prayer of thanks before your feet hit the ground. I need to continue to say thinks for not being depressed. To not let this become a state I take for granted. And I must continue to work to ward off depression coming back.
Oh, and I forgot to mention...I quit the museum today. It was a long time coming. I wasn't willing to do the homework to be at the level I needed to be at. As I continued I just felt like a fraud. (I had been touring adults lately) It was a VERY hard thing to do, but I feel relieved that I did it. Really relieved.
It's 4:30AM. I should go to bed. I got a ride home from the D.J. tonight. TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
So I know its not THAT big of a deal, but 10 years ago that would have been my DREAM COME TRUE! I wanted to be a DJ when I was in college, and just to hang out with one would have been so cool. I just like looking at my life and reflecting on what my fantasies of what I wished it could be and comparing them. My life really has over time become what I wished it could be, the funny thing is, now I am old enough to not care so much about such things.
So since I havent been posting much lately, maybe I can describe what my life has been. It has been a lot the same, but on thursday nights my roommate and I go to a reggae night at a nearby bar. There is a Reggae band playing upstairs, and then a "den of iniquity" downstairs playing dancehall and a little hip hop. The concert is where I met Charles, "The Kenyan prince" oh, and did I mention, he is my boyfriend now, and he treats me like gold.
Charles is the big deal in my life. I talk to him daily, and I really enjoy and respect him. Just yesterday we were laying in bed and he was telling me about a book he heard about on NPR. This is another dream come true! He is so considerate, and SOOOOO smart, hard working and just UH! So great. He seems to think I am pretty great too, last night he said "It's hard to find a woman who is both beautiful and humble" and I thought that was so great, since I think I am beautiful, but hardly enough to be at risk of affecting my humility. It sure is nice to have someone think that of me!
I guess I have a lot to write. I miss my blog. I have felt life sweeping me along lately, so I havent been reflecting as much, since I have been so busy just letting it all happen. Some might say thats a good thing, I think it is something I would like to change a bit. I value my blog, it has become a part of me. If my life is now much more fun or active, than why not commemerate it as much as I did my tortured feelings? And I have felt plenty of stress lately, stress that could be dissapated by writing.
I visited the psychiatrist for a follow up. He mentioned a Orthodox jewish tradition of saying a prayer of thanks before your feet hit the ground. I need to continue to say thinks for not being depressed. To not let this become a state I take for granted. And I must continue to work to ward off depression coming back.
Oh, and I forgot to mention...I quit the museum today. It was a long time coming. I wasn't willing to do the homework to be at the level I needed to be at. As I continued I just felt like a fraud. (I had been touring adults lately) It was a VERY hard thing to do, but I feel relieved that I did it. Really relieved.
It's 4:30AM. I should go to bed. I got a ride home from the D.J. tonight. TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Sex toys
I havent written much lately. Life is good even though I am feeling a bit of anxiety over a full social calendar and some tension (possibly unfairly) directed toward my roommate.
I just thought was important that everyone know that today I was at a sex toy store with my roommate, helping her buy a dildo and learning of the dangers of latex and rubber sex toys. BTW I was wearing my work uniform.
Just thought you should know that.
I just thought was important that everyone know that today I was at a sex toy store with my roommate, helping her buy a dildo and learning of the dangers of latex and rubber sex toys. BTW I was wearing my work uniform.
Just thought you should know that.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Slept half of the day
It's 4PM, I just woke up from a nap that started at noon. There was nothing that could have gotten me out of bed during that nap. I thought I was working today, but it turned out I don't work until tomorrow. Thank god. This is me first day alone in a month and a week. I have been dying for it.
I am stressed out. I had sex with Charles. (what I have decided to name the Kenyan prince.) Of course it was too soon. I told him I am not ready to do it again yet. He has been really cool about everything. I even told him about the Depression. But that doesn't stop the fact that the sex was really disappointing. He treats me like such a gem with my clothes on, I figured it would be the same with my clothes off. Instead he was ready to penetrate me before my shirt was even off. He didnt look into my eyes, and he bit my nipples too hard. He's not that great of a kisser either. After sex like that I am not real eager to sleep with him again, which makes staying together for long seem less realistic.
I am also stressed about the museum. A man in my last tour seemed to have distain for me. Like he was on to me that I am a huge fraud. I am not a huge fraud, I know plenty about the art, but I do not have a good tour planned. I need to pick, fast, what I am going to do. I really think the answer is to quit.
And the rest of the stress is I just need to decompress, to be alone. And fortunately I am today. Halleluja!
mood: blah, but not awful
I am stressed out. I had sex with Charles. (what I have decided to name the Kenyan prince.) Of course it was too soon. I told him I am not ready to do it again yet. He has been really cool about everything. I even told him about the Depression. But that doesn't stop the fact that the sex was really disappointing. He treats me like such a gem with my clothes on, I figured it would be the same with my clothes off. Instead he was ready to penetrate me before my shirt was even off. He didnt look into my eyes, and he bit my nipples too hard. He's not that great of a kisser either. After sex like that I am not real eager to sleep with him again, which makes staying together for long seem less realistic.
I am also stressed about the museum. A man in my last tour seemed to have distain for me. Like he was on to me that I am a huge fraud. I am not a huge fraud, I know plenty about the art, but I do not have a good tour planned. I need to pick, fast, what I am going to do. I really think the answer is to quit.
And the rest of the stress is I just need to decompress, to be alone. And fortunately I am today. Halleluja!
mood: blah, but not awful
Friday, February 03, 2006
A good bad job
I just gave a good bad tour at the museum. What I mean by that is I did a great job of doing a tour that I am NOT prepared for.
I really need to quit. I am doing this half-assed, and I need to either put the work in so I do a respectable job of it, or I need to quit, because the winging it that I am doing is a disservice to the museum and the artists.
So? Am I going to quit or not? I need to make a decision. "Not" doesn't mean not quitting but doing nothing different, "not" must mean I get to work and craft a good tour.
I really want to quit, everyone tells me I should... "If it's not fun, why do it?" So why dont I just do it? It's because it will mean I failed. I didn't rise to the challenge all the way (I did quite a bit...but I need to do more) But maybe now I want to persue school, weight loss, housekeeping, or being a better friend. I gave it a good shot, but not enough to be a success at it. I have really lost interest though.
What to do? (quit of course)
I really need to quit. I am doing this half-assed, and I need to either put the work in so I do a respectable job of it, or I need to quit, because the winging it that I am doing is a disservice to the museum and the artists.
So? Am I going to quit or not? I need to make a decision. "Not" doesn't mean not quitting but doing nothing different, "not" must mean I get to work and craft a good tour.
I really want to quit, everyone tells me I should... "If it's not fun, why do it?" So why dont I just do it? It's because it will mean I failed. I didn't rise to the challenge all the way (I did quite a bit...but I need to do more) But maybe now I want to persue school, weight loss, housekeeping, or being a better friend. I gave it a good shot, but not enough to be a success at it. I have really lost interest though.
What to do? (quit of course)
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
I met a Buddhist Monk
He was wearing a grey robe, I asked him about it and he told me it was a monk's robe. Some monks only eat the food that is donated to them, so I offered to buy him dinner. He said yes, but then declined when we left the plane. I walked him to the gate and chatted with him. We sat down at the gate, and he actually said powerful wise stuff! Just like you would hope chatting with a Buddhist monk would be!
He was so nice. He invited me to visit his monastary. YAY!
He was so nice. He invited me to visit his monastary. YAY!
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