Tuesday, May 02, 2006


Last night we planned for Charles to come over this morning, and I am so glad he did. He could either see me before his first job, or in between his first and second job, and I prefered earlier, even if I don't get to sleep in, because what better way is there to start the day?

Now my sex drive isn't back to full throttle, but I definately noticed a difference. Before it was a pleasant thing to do for about 5 minutes, but then started to bore me after that. Today it was really nice. I felt my face flush, something I havent felt for ages, and afterward I felt really nice and glowy. I used to feel sort of high after sex, I don't feel like that, but I feel calm and nice. And when I saw myself in the mirror in my underwear, with my hair all hair-band big and messy, I was really pleased.

My pleasure in seeing myself in the mirror could have something to do with the 7, count them 7 pounds I have lost!!! Now I am sure this is water weight, I must have been retaining a lot (which could help explain 15 pound gain in 3 months) and so with all of the water I have been drinking my body is ready to release it, whatever the reason I am very happy. I have been very healthy in how I have been losing it. Just walking more and eating really healthy foods, so I am not concerned about the big drop. I am just pleased.

We talked some more today about the L-word. I let him know I don't want to get an IUD (condom free sex) if his feelings arent strong, like mine (sounds like an ultimatum when I type it, but thats not how it sounded when I said it.) I had a romantic plan that I wanted to wear condoms until I am married, even though I have been condomless 3 times in my life, plus the times they have broken. It's a way to make the wedding night sex special, and to keep a sort of distance until I have commited myself to someone.

I said to him that I can accept that we wont be together forever, but I am happy to be with him for now. He didn't say anything. I said, "isn't that what you want?" he said "No, thats NOT what I want." He said again that he thinks I want a guaruntee from him and I said, frustrated "thats NOT what I'm asking for! I just want you to feel the same level I do, and if you don't, then I have to protect myself, because it hurts to love someone who doesn't love you." He has said a lot about him being bad at "expressing" it, not that he didnt feel that way, and that this has been a problem with American women before, because he didn't grow up that way. I had mentioned earlier that I could wait a few months for him to feel that way, but at some point I am going to have to move on, because I shouldn't be commited to someone if there is no possibility of a future. He had brought up this comment and asked if he could have a few months to work on expressing himself. I felt very satisfied with that. It is appearing that it may be a cultural difference, but it is still important to me, especially if we were to have kids, I would want them to hear it.

Another positive resolution, I told him it hurt my feelings when he brought up his goals, suggesting I might be a distraction, when in my opinion, I would be a supportive force in his life, just the opposite. He immediately agreed with me and said that I was correct when I said he was bringing in a past relationship, and that yes, he thought I was a supportive force in his life, not a distraction. I thanked him for that and said I would stop bringing the two times I was a fool in relationships into our realationship. It was really cool to communicate with him so well.

And it's a new day. It is beautiful outside, but I think I will stay in because I am on home reserve (on-call.) Maybe I will open up the door & windows in the basement and do some spring cleaning in my storage space. i will be up to 10,000 steps in no time if I do that :)

mood: happy, and not even anxious

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