Saturday, February 25, 2006

Honesty

Yesterday at my therapy appointment Dr. T. said "Something isn't right- you are saying you are so happy, but I can just sense something that doesn't match what you are saying." It's true. My life is so much different, but the depression is back, not fully, but it's there.

I feel regularly that my life leads me, I am not leading my life. I think a big part of it may be my roommate. She is an extrovert, she is very close to her siblings, so she really likes attention, and she is not gone on the days I am off, so I am not getting the time alone I need.

I have gained weight. The scale has said 200 pounds lately. I am upset about that. Prince Charles has NO problem with it, but I do.

I was just sorting through a bag of school notes from the semester that I had done so well, because of a successful anxiety medication, and then halfway through became suicidal. That was the semester that I, and my life, changed so much. I had tears welling in my eyes, I was feeling very emotional. My roommate came home, and I just mentioned how I missed school. She invited me to sit in on a class and I said that I wanted more than just a lecture, and as I was saying what it was I missed I heard "I look so good in boy shorts, see?" It was sort of a funny moment, she isn't as self centered as she sounds, but it just goes to show how I am feeling lately. I have included her into my life, but don't know how to assert that I need more autonomy. (She doesn't need it...she was born into a life shared with others) I was feeling really centered until she came home

And my last complaint, I haven't been blogging. I am not as dependant on the computer any more, things change, thats okay. I am going to go back to my old strategy "It doesn't have to be good...just write" I don't think that my posts lately are ones that I would be interested in reading if they werent about me, but at least I am writing something.

Off to bed, I was having such a calm night, enjoying the quiet, the ability to retreat deeply into my brain, not having my thoughts interrupted by responses to the news stories and comments on the evening party plans. This is life. Part of life is listening to people tell you that the polar bear club sounds like hell to them. I wish I lived alone, but if I am to get married one day, I think I should practice.

mood: agitated

2 comments:

Jay said...

You guys need to set up a schedule - and if she's home too much, you should take time away somehwere where you can be alone - a library, a park, go to the movies alone, etc.

rob said...

Dianita, as long as you keep in sight that life is change, you'll be fine. Anyday now, you'll be on your own, any other you'll be with someone. Enjoy the company while it's there, if you need time alone, as Miss J says go somewhere to be with yourself.
Write to your hearts content when you feel the urge, who cares if no-one reads it, the most important person already did. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that your writing doesn't matter to others, it does as we come across it and it touches us in different ways. Never worry if it's interesting or boring or whatever. Get-it-out! That is the main thing. If I told you of the thousands of words that are hanging on a bank receipt or a flyer, and even once (in desperation or quirky sense) on the inside of a plane's throw-up baggy. But babe, when you're down, set your sight on the hilltops and know you've been and will be there again. Be well...and write when you feel like it. rob