I could not let go of Charles. He will be gone for 4 months, he has little access to e-mail and phoning is expensive from Kenya, but I am more than willing to wait, he is more than worth it. Today I was thinking about him, and I figured out the core of what draws me to him.
There is one problem in our relationship, that I wonder regularly if I should be worried about. I don't feel intense sexual chemistry towards him. When I met him we kissed and I felt nothing physical, the reason I rejected him initally. The fact that my sex drive is shot doesn't help the matter much. I am so happy with him, I can't even imagine breaking up with him or being with anyone else, but I wonder if our relationship might be somehow doomed in the long term becuase of this little, inconsequential aspect.
First of all, a woman like me, who has used sex as a way to have power over men, and to get attention and affection without having to put my emotions at risk, doesn't know how to "make love." Charles is the man that I love, and I probably have such associations with sex being angry and unfeeling that I don't get turned on as much without that dynamic.
Another reason is just the person he is. He hasn't spent his life perfecting his sexiness like us Americans are socialized to do. He has spent his life sharpining his intellect. He has spent his life reading books, with a lamp at night, so he could get a good education and improve the circumstances of his mother and his family. So when he kisses me he doesn't grab me in just the right way, he doesn't position his body in a dominant posture that makes me feel like submitting. Does that say anything about his character? Only good things.
The last aspect that affects my attraction has to be racism/xenophobia. I have been a fan of Rap music since RunDMC's raising hell. Having much of my exposure of black men being the gangster rappers of the 90's and groups like 2 live crew, during my developing years I created a predjudice in my head that black men were sexist and cheaters. The TV and movies didn't help. Black men on TV, especially back in the day, were ign'ant and criminal. Add to that my experience of international men, many of them being very chauvanist, and an African man was not at the top of my list of someone I would want to date. Charles has proven to me what an asshole I was to think that way, I don't deserve to be the one who has him, but I am thankful that I do.
So I can guess a lot of the reasons why my physical feelings arent as blazing hot as I would like them to be, but there is no doubt that my mental feelings and emotional feelings more than make up for it. I have his picture on my computer desktop. When I look at him I just see good. He has the Buddha-nature. He is Christ-like. He is just a beautiful person.
And who he is, UH! He is just what I think a person should be! I wish I could have accomplished what he has accomplished, but even so, I don't feel insecure with him, I feel proud to be who I am, he sees the best in me. If I had to sum up what I feel for him in one word, it would be "admiration."
So the question is, am I making a bad choice, to choose to be with someone, hopefully long term, who I don't have hot physical feelings for? Is that a trade-off that will doom the relationship to fail? This is something that I have to explore, very honestly, to be sure I am making the best choice, but fact of the matter is, I can't give him up. The idea of being "just friends" with him is too much to bear. Imagining him being the father of someone else's kids? HELL NO. For now, this is a relationship I am unwilling to give up, no matter what the consequenses are for the future.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
OK, now its just silly
Silly silly Tera has not come to get her stuff, nor has she called me back (I called her 4 times!) It is 11PM on the 6th of the month!!!!
I called my law student friend and he said I can't give her stuff to charity, it isn't that clearly abandoned. But, I can take her to small claims court for the money she owes me, so I think I may. I am just going to put her stuff in the basement and try to forget about it. The only thing that sucks is that my new roommate is going to be here, I hate for her to see any of the drama. UH!
I was talking to my friend, sweet-stay-at-home-mommy, and I realized, "So what, I got screwed by one person, I have great people in my life" this will be over and just because she treated me badly doesn't mean I deserve it.
I have got to say, I LOVE my new computer now! Yay. I am sitting on my couch, watching TV, e-mailing Satan, and surfing the net simultaniously. This is fun.
I called my law student friend and he said I can't give her stuff to charity, it isn't that clearly abandoned. But, I can take her to small claims court for the money she owes me, so I think I may. I am just going to put her stuff in the basement and try to forget about it. The only thing that sucks is that my new roommate is going to be here, I hate for her to see any of the drama. UH!
I was talking to my friend, sweet-stay-at-home-mommy, and I realized, "So what, I got screwed by one person, I have great people in my life" this will be over and just because she treated me badly doesn't mean I deserve it.
I have got to say, I LOVE my new computer now! Yay. I am sitting on my couch, watching TV, e-mailing Satan, and surfing the net simultaniously. This is fun.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Crapola Day
Tera hasn't been here at all to get any of her stuff. I have had such anxiety today. I am happy it is after 10 so I have an excuse to go to bed.
Yesterday was such an ugly scene. She had her boyfriend hurrying her from downstairs, and me expressing my serious disappointment that she was actually considering having her stuff out on the 5th of the month (thats what I get for saying it was okay if she was out by the third- give an inch- she takes a mile) Naturally she listened to her boyfriend.
God damn her...she also has the fucking Netflix movies. GOD I HATE HER!
Uh! I am so mad at that girl...she isn't even here today to get her stuff.
Enough about the bad stuff, I bought a computer today. A laptop! I even set up WiFi in my house all by myself :)
Also, Charles called me today :) I got to talk to him for exactly 1 minute and 50 seconds. Then the phone cut off and he didn't call back so I think it was all the phone card would do. I loved hearing his voice, I hope I can use yahoo voice or skype or something.
And I talked to my new roommate, I will call her Jennifer. She sounds nice (but I don't keep my hopes up anymore) talking to her let me know that I have a light at the end of the tunnel. At least I wont know for sure that my roommate doesn't give a shit about me and will use me every chance she gets, instead it will only be a possibility. LOL
Tomorrow is another day
Yesterday was such an ugly scene. She had her boyfriend hurrying her from downstairs, and me expressing my serious disappointment that she was actually considering having her stuff out on the 5th of the month (thats what I get for saying it was okay if she was out by the third- give an inch- she takes a mile) Naturally she listened to her boyfriend.
God damn her...she also has the fucking Netflix movies. GOD I HATE HER!
Uh! I am so mad at that girl...she isn't even here today to get her stuff.
Enough about the bad stuff, I bought a computer today. A laptop! I even set up WiFi in my house all by myself :)
Also, Charles called me today :) I got to talk to him for exactly 1 minute and 50 seconds. Then the phone cut off and he didn't call back so I think it was all the phone card would do. I loved hearing his voice, I hope I can use yahoo voice or skype or something.
And I talked to my new roommate, I will call her Jennifer. She sounds nice (but I don't keep my hopes up anymore) talking to her let me know that I have a light at the end of the tunnel. At least I wont know for sure that my roommate doesn't give a shit about me and will use me every chance she gets, instead it will only be a possibility. LOL
Tomorrow is another day
He Called! He Called!
My baby called me from Kenya! I got to talk to him for 1 minute 50 seconds and then it cut out. But he called!
Monday, September 04, 2006
I am offended
My (former) roommate Tera called me passive aggressive today. She doesn't really know what passive aggresive means (it is like slipping insults in in a way that a person doesn't know if they just got insulted or not) I think a more appropriate (but no less unfair) thing to call me would be passive, but the spirit of what she was saying is that she has shit all over me because I didn't specifically tell her to not shit on me.
I feel like I have worked VERY HARD to be nice to her, with the idea that when someone is nice to you, you want more to be nice to them. Problem is, that sort of treatment only works with certian types of people. When some one is spoiled, someone who is always looking for things that serve themselves, they see a person with a wealth of kindness as a cow, who's kindness is there to be milked.
Tera and I had an agreement that she would move all of her stuff into storage except her couch, bed and chair. This way she wouldn't have to pay a months worth of rent, my new roomate could move in, and I didn't tell her this, but it got her out sooner, I was afraid that her boyfriend and her would break up from the pressure of planning to live together (after only 4 months of going out) and she would try to stay.
I had said to her that if she could be out by the 3rd I would be okay with not charging her any rent for those 3 days. I think that sort of implies that after 3 days I think she should pay to be here, but I didn't think it would come to that. She has said to me that it was her goal to get everything taken care of while I was on my trip at the end of the month, so I interpreted that as meaning she would be gone when I returned on the 1st. However, if she had to wait until the 3rd to do the last things, that was fine, I had plans on the 3rd, so I figured it wouldn't have made a difference if she was here or not.
So saying she could be here until the 3rd rent-free, letting her keep her big stuff here so she isn't inconvenienced by having to move it twice, seems nice right? I thought so. This morning I get up at like 1PM and she is watching a "top-chef" marathon. I peeked in her room on the way to the bathroom and saw her bedding was still on the bed, she had packed nothing more than she had the day before.
She complained that her boyfriend hadn't arrived yet, I had made a comment that she should carry her stuff into the hallway to get started. (the sooner her stuff is out, the sooner I can start moving in.) She said her boyfriend was going to carry the boxes, he never lets her carry her work bags, he's such a gentleman. See, thats how she operates, her boyfriend carries her work bag, so the way she thanks his is by expecting him to move all of her stuff that she packed into heavy boxes. (oh, she said she "might carry some of the light stuff.")
So today, on the 4th day of the month, she comes to me at like 4PM and says that she is going to leave her ottoman until tommorow. I pointed out that she isn't paying rent right now so she shouldn't leave it behind. She made some excuse on why she couldn't move it yet, and it was bullshit. She didn't only leave her ottoman, she left a shitload of stuff. She came to me and said she would come TOMORROW with her brother to get it! I told her I would put her stuff in the hall, that it was MY ROOM that she had her stuff in. I was obviously mad. She said she was "doing her best" which is such a crock of shit. Her stuff wasn't even all packed. I spent an hour packing up her things and putting them in the hallway.
I angrily walked to the co-op to buy some sage to "smudge" the apartment. I used to date a Mandan Indian who used to smudge my apartments, it is supposed to get rid of bad spirits or something. Funny thing is, after smudging a place, it really feels different. I called my sister Linda for advice, because I wanted to tell her to bring a U-Haul and take all of her stuff, and I wanted to make sure I wasn't being angry or vengeful. Linda didn't call back in time, I did call Tera and say "Bring a U-haul when you come tomorrow- I have been nice to you over and over again, and you just take advantage of me over and over again." When Linda called later and I told her what I said, she said "good job"
So get what this Tera called back and said to me! She said she didn't "get me" how I would be so friendly and smiley and now I am so angry. Could it be that I have been so friendly and smiley and I am REALLY OFFENDED that my kindness has been thanked by just using me? Was I supposed to tell her "I feel comfortable with not charging you rent if you are out by the 3rd, and that means that after the 3rd I expect you to pay some rent for being here, and by the way, I prefer that you DO move your things out of the room as soon as possible so I can move my things in." Basically, she turned what SHE did around, and it seemed like she was saying I asked for it because I was so "friendly and smiley."
I am SO OFFENDED! It goes without saying that I don't want to spend my days off waiting for her to move out so I can move my stuff in. If I was understanding about her being here after the 1st, doesn't that make me MORE deserving of her speeding it up, ore deserving of common courtesy not LESS?
I ended the conversation with "Getting a U-haul is very easy, if you can't get one tomorrow you can get one the next day" There is no patience left in me. I don't want to wait 2 days for this stuff to be out. I want it out NOW. I hope she hasn't drained my kindness from me, made me so hard that I stop caring for people. Very honestly I feel like she has a little. There were some sweet little extra things I wanted to do for the new roommate, and I am thinking I shouldn't.
FUCK HER FUCK HER FUCK HER!
I feel like I have worked VERY HARD to be nice to her, with the idea that when someone is nice to you, you want more to be nice to them. Problem is, that sort of treatment only works with certian types of people. When some one is spoiled, someone who is always looking for things that serve themselves, they see a person with a wealth of kindness as a cow, who's kindness is there to be milked.
Tera and I had an agreement that she would move all of her stuff into storage except her couch, bed and chair. This way she wouldn't have to pay a months worth of rent, my new roomate could move in, and I didn't tell her this, but it got her out sooner, I was afraid that her boyfriend and her would break up from the pressure of planning to live together (after only 4 months of going out) and she would try to stay.
I had said to her that if she could be out by the 3rd I would be okay with not charging her any rent for those 3 days. I think that sort of implies that after 3 days I think she should pay to be here, but I didn't think it would come to that. She has said to me that it was her goal to get everything taken care of while I was on my trip at the end of the month, so I interpreted that as meaning she would be gone when I returned on the 1st. However, if she had to wait until the 3rd to do the last things, that was fine, I had plans on the 3rd, so I figured it wouldn't have made a difference if she was here or not.
So saying she could be here until the 3rd rent-free, letting her keep her big stuff here so she isn't inconvenienced by having to move it twice, seems nice right? I thought so. This morning I get up at like 1PM and she is watching a "top-chef" marathon. I peeked in her room on the way to the bathroom and saw her bedding was still on the bed, she had packed nothing more than she had the day before.
She complained that her boyfriend hadn't arrived yet, I had made a comment that she should carry her stuff into the hallway to get started. (the sooner her stuff is out, the sooner I can start moving in.) She said her boyfriend was going to carry the boxes, he never lets her carry her work bags, he's such a gentleman. See, thats how she operates, her boyfriend carries her work bag, so the way she thanks his is by expecting him to move all of her stuff that she packed into heavy boxes. (oh, she said she "might carry some of the light stuff.")
So today, on the 4th day of the month, she comes to me at like 4PM and says that she is going to leave her ottoman until tommorow. I pointed out that she isn't paying rent right now so she shouldn't leave it behind. She made some excuse on why she couldn't move it yet, and it was bullshit. She didn't only leave her ottoman, she left a shitload of stuff. She came to me and said she would come TOMORROW with her brother to get it! I told her I would put her stuff in the hall, that it was MY ROOM that she had her stuff in. I was obviously mad. She said she was "doing her best" which is such a crock of shit. Her stuff wasn't even all packed. I spent an hour packing up her things and putting them in the hallway.
I angrily walked to the co-op to buy some sage to "smudge" the apartment. I used to date a Mandan Indian who used to smudge my apartments, it is supposed to get rid of bad spirits or something. Funny thing is, after smudging a place, it really feels different. I called my sister Linda for advice, because I wanted to tell her to bring a U-Haul and take all of her stuff, and I wanted to make sure I wasn't being angry or vengeful. Linda didn't call back in time, I did call Tera and say "Bring a U-haul when you come tomorrow- I have been nice to you over and over again, and you just take advantage of me over and over again." When Linda called later and I told her what I said, she said "good job"
So get what this Tera called back and said to me! She said she didn't "get me" how I would be so friendly and smiley and now I am so angry. Could it be that I have been so friendly and smiley and I am REALLY OFFENDED that my kindness has been thanked by just using me? Was I supposed to tell her "I feel comfortable with not charging you rent if you are out by the 3rd, and that means that after the 3rd I expect you to pay some rent for being here, and by the way, I prefer that you DO move your things out of the room as soon as possible so I can move my things in." Basically, she turned what SHE did around, and it seemed like she was saying I asked for it because I was so "friendly and smiley."
I am SO OFFENDED! It goes without saying that I don't want to spend my days off waiting for her to move out so I can move my stuff in. If I was understanding about her being here after the 1st, doesn't that make me MORE deserving of her speeding it up, ore deserving of common courtesy not LESS?
I ended the conversation with "Getting a U-haul is very easy, if you can't get one tomorrow you can get one the next day" There is no patience left in me. I don't want to wait 2 days for this stuff to be out. I want it out NOW. I hope she hasn't drained my kindness from me, made me so hard that I stop caring for people. Very honestly I feel like she has a little. There were some sweet little extra things I wanted to do for the new roommate, and I am thinking I shouldn't.
FUCK HER FUCK HER FUCK HER!
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Assessment
I am going to go ahead and say that today was a good day. I got up at nine, I did fall back asleep when I got to the couch, but I am okay with that because I had gotten up. I lazed around the house much of the day, but I did sign up for Weight Watchers online tools and bought a camera (to replace one I lost.) I also did some dishes and tidying. I kept track of my Weight Watchers points today, and got very close to my target, (this is something I haven't been doing lately, I have let anxiety get to me.)
The reason I am going to read this as a good day and not as a bad day is because that's what I've learned in therapy, it's a different way of thinking about things then I used to. It would be fair to say I didn't accomplish much today. In the past, I would sit and stew, thinking about how much more I needed to get done, and stay up late, hoping I would do some of it. When someone told me that I was too hard on myself I would not think they understood my situation, I thought, if I was gentle with myself, EVEN LESS would get done!
What I learned in therapy, and had to finally believe enough to try, was that I had to be different about the way I saw things. If I accomplished 20% of the things I wanted to get done, I should praise myself for what I did get done. The 80% I didn't get done I should not scold myself for. It is okay to say "I would have liked to accomplish more. What factors contributed to me only accomplishing 20%? Was my goal realistic in the first place?" But I should not call myself "lazy" or "a loser."
The outcome of this lesson was different than I expected. Since I wasn't pushing myself, I assumed I wouldn't want to do anything at all. Instead, the pressure was off, so I just naturally accomplished things. And since I was focusing on the positive, praising myself when I got even little things done, I felt motivated to do just one more thing, so I could feel proud of something else, not just escaping the shaming I used to give myself when something didn't get done.
This attitude is what helped me lose 15 pounds with Weight Watchers. If I wrote everything I ate down I would be proud of myself, even if I ate WAY TOO MUCH. If I got close to my target I would be proud of myself, even if I was off by a few points. If I ordered an ice cream cone, but only ate half of it, I would still be proud of myself for throwing the second half away. You might think I would have lost more weight if I had said to myself "you didn't meet the target- you did a bad job today" or "you shouldn't have gotten that ice cream cone" but if I had acted that way, I would have QUIT. My encouragement was what kept me going.
So today wasn't perfect. But I DID do a few things. I am going to cheer on the few things I did do, and tomorrow I will wake up bright and early, ready to face another day with myself, a sweet encouraging person, not a mean drill seargent who would make me want to stay in bed. :)
The reason I am going to read this as a good day and not as a bad day is because that's what I've learned in therapy, it's a different way of thinking about things then I used to. It would be fair to say I didn't accomplish much today. In the past, I would sit and stew, thinking about how much more I needed to get done, and stay up late, hoping I would do some of it. When someone told me that I was too hard on myself I would not think they understood my situation, I thought, if I was gentle with myself, EVEN LESS would get done!
What I learned in therapy, and had to finally believe enough to try, was that I had to be different about the way I saw things. If I accomplished 20% of the things I wanted to get done, I should praise myself for what I did get done. The 80% I didn't get done I should not scold myself for. It is okay to say "I would have liked to accomplish more. What factors contributed to me only accomplishing 20%? Was my goal realistic in the first place?" But I should not call myself "lazy" or "a loser."
The outcome of this lesson was different than I expected. Since I wasn't pushing myself, I assumed I wouldn't want to do anything at all. Instead, the pressure was off, so I just naturally accomplished things. And since I was focusing on the positive, praising myself when I got even little things done, I felt motivated to do just one more thing, so I could feel proud of something else, not just escaping the shaming I used to give myself when something didn't get done.
This attitude is what helped me lose 15 pounds with Weight Watchers. If I wrote everything I ate down I would be proud of myself, even if I ate WAY TOO MUCH. If I got close to my target I would be proud of myself, even if I was off by a few points. If I ordered an ice cream cone, but only ate half of it, I would still be proud of myself for throwing the second half away. You might think I would have lost more weight if I had said to myself "you didn't meet the target- you did a bad job today" or "you shouldn't have gotten that ice cream cone" but if I had acted that way, I would have QUIT. My encouragement was what kept me going.
So today wasn't perfect. But I DID do a few things. I am going to cheer on the few things I did do, and tomorrow I will wake up bright and early, ready to face another day with myself, a sweet encouraging person, not a mean drill seargent who would make me want to stay in bed. :)
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Pride
I was giving advice on how to go from being depressed to being not depressed, and I forgot a very important thing! Praise! Praise, praise, praise!
When you are getting something accomplished, or have accomplished something, praise yourself...alot! Don't tell yourself "I should have finished this months ago" just congratulate yourself!
I painted the bathroom! It looks muuuuuuuch better. When I moved in,there was mold growing on the walls, they had cracks, and the walls were greying. Now the walls are a nice, bright white :)
The house is still TRASHED, but at least the bathroom is done. Everything is back where it should be, the fixtures are back and the decorations are back up. Cleaning up the rest should be a less stressful job, it can be done a little at a time, and it wont interfere with hygiene (I had to sponge bath myself in my empty, curtianless shower.)
So WAY TO GO DIANA! I did it! I did it! I did it! When I finished the living room, I decided I didn't want to paint any other rooms, but when I felt the satisfaction of doing it, and saw how it spruced up the living room, I wanted to do the bathroom. Now I feel like I don't want to paint another room, but I will bet you anything I will want to do the kitchen sooner or later!
The house looks better. I believe that a beautiful enviornment reduces stress, so I think the work was well worth it. I am very proud of myself!
When you are getting something accomplished, or have accomplished something, praise yourself...alot! Don't tell yourself "I should have finished this months ago" just congratulate yourself!
I painted the bathroom! It looks muuuuuuuch better. When I moved in,there was mold growing on the walls, they had cracks, and the walls were greying. Now the walls are a nice, bright white :)
The house is still TRASHED, but at least the bathroom is done. Everything is back where it should be, the fixtures are back and the decorations are back up. Cleaning up the rest should be a less stressful job, it can be done a little at a time, and it wont interfere with hygiene (I had to sponge bath myself in my empty, curtianless shower.)
So WAY TO GO DIANA! I did it! I did it! I did it! When I finished the living room, I decided I didn't want to paint any other rooms, but when I felt the satisfaction of doing it, and saw how it spruced up the living room, I wanted to do the bathroom. Now I feel like I don't want to paint another room, but I will bet you anything I will want to do the kitchen sooner or later!
The house looks better. I believe that a beautiful enviornment reduces stress, so I think the work was well worth it. I am very proud of myself!
next day
Well, I said today is a new day, but I carried through some of the unhealthy behavior into today. Lately, I have been getting myself out of bed at 9 (a miracle for me on a day off!) I could coax myself out of bed by grabbing my pillow and saying to myself if I want to go back to sleep thats fine, I will just do it on the couch. What ends up happening is I have put no pressure on myself to do anything, so I stay awake! I guess I use sleeping as a procrastination method.
I think that is a big reason why yesterday and today were such a step back for me. I had decided to paint the bathroom a few weeks ago, but didn't feel inspired recently. The landlord knocked on the door and said "have you wiped the walls with bleach yet? When your done my nephew here will prime the bathroom" so I did it, not being in the mood to (I only do things if I am in the mood or have a deadline-wish that wasnt the case) and now have the room all taped up, so I have to do it in the next few days. Knowing I have something to do ahead of me I think is what led me to retreat into sleep yesterday and today.
The lesson I learned yesterday was I should write about whats going on sooner so I can feel better and move on, and thats the case! I do feel better :)
I am so lonely without my charles (he left on the 14th and I havent gotten an e-mail since the 19th.) I am hopeful that this will make me spend more time with my friends and to blog more, a silver lining.
I think that is a big reason why yesterday and today were such a step back for me. I had decided to paint the bathroom a few weeks ago, but didn't feel inspired recently. The landlord knocked on the door and said "have you wiped the walls with bleach yet? When your done my nephew here will prime the bathroom" so I did it, not being in the mood to (I only do things if I am in the mood or have a deadline-wish that wasnt the case) and now have the room all taped up, so I have to do it in the next few days. Knowing I have something to do ahead of me I think is what led me to retreat into sleep yesterday and today.
The lesson I learned yesterday was I should write about whats going on sooner so I can feel better and move on, and thats the case! I do feel better :)
I am so lonely without my charles (he left on the 14th and I havent gotten an e-mail since the 19th.) I am hopeful that this will make me spend more time with my friends and to blog more, a silver lining.
A bad day
I think a good sign of my current level of health is that today I had a really bad day, and I know that tomorrow will be different, and I could recognize unhealthy patterns today that in the past felt just normal, or felt like I had no control of.
Last night I remembered that since my therapist closed her city office, I would have to figure out the bus schedule to get to her suburban office for my appointment today. When I looked it up I learned there was no bus that went there. I planned to take a cab but realized it would cost $50 so I decided to rent a car. I was at the car rental office this morning and couldn't rent the car because I didn't have the $200 available on my credit card (the sad irony is I have a ton of money right now.) I called and left a message while the car rental people sweetly drove me home, and then collapsed on my couch and felt like shit.
I felt like a complete loser, not just disappointed, but like the most irresponsible person in the world. Dr. T noticed this behavior once when I was late for an appointment, so I was able to recognize that this behavior, and response, was not a healthy one, and although I didn't do much to change it, I was at least able to recognize the feelings as not reasonable, instead of thinking I deserve to feel that way.
I spent most of the day sleeping and eating, my house is TRASHED (partly because I have the bathroom taped for painting, so everything is in the livingroom) I know that I was making unhealthy choices by staying in the house and sleeping. It would have been healthier to go for a bike ride, eat only healthy things, and maybe to have called a friend or wrote a blog post about how I was feeling. I didn't do those things, but I recognize that what I was doing was part of an unhealthy pattern, not misery outside of my control.
And for the last of my unhealthy behaviors, I have stayed up late watching TV. I could recognize myself cumpulsively continuing to watch, when I so clearly wanted to sleep. Years ago I would stay up late like this, stewing in my own discomfort, and not see it as contributing to my depression.
I will now go to bed, knowing today was a bad day. Today was not a gloomy sign that the depression is back and I should just submit, because I have no control, I had a bad day, I made some mistakes in my choices, and tomorrow I get to start fresh.
My thinking has really been reprogrammed from therapy. Therapy works. It is not sick people who go to therapy, it is sick people who choose to remain sick. Healthy people go to therapy, they are the ones who are willing to change. I was willing to listen to my therapist when she pointed out errors in my thinking. It would be easy to say "you just don't understand how hard it is to live my life, to be me" or to proudly act like "I know what I'm doing", keeping my thinking patterns just to be stubborn, but I submitted as much as I could, becuase I trust and like her, and because when I started I knew my life depended on it, (a year ago suicide was still a secretly attractive idea to me.)
I have come very far, and I am very proud of myself. I am obviously not perfect, look at me, I made some irresponsible choices in planning for this appointment, and in how I reacted to the dissappointment, but my expectation of myself isn't perfection anymore. And I have fallen down and made some mistakes, but I am just going to learn from them and move on now, unlike before, when I would be so mean in how I would think about myself, I would beat myself up, but not anymore.
Anyone who just started reading my blog recently, look at the beginning of it (april 05 I think) I read it and see a completely different person. If you are reading this you might be a person who has issues with depression or another chemical imbalance, I can tell you, don't give up hope! Keep going, GO TO THERAPY and take your medication. Make tiny changes for the better and be proud of yourself. Make good choices, and remember you are always making choices. Don't expect things to get better right away, but know that if you keep working they will get better. Treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated, with KINDNESS AND LOVE. STOP hating yourself!!! It will work. I promise it will work.
Now, having made the healthy choice of writing about my feelings, I feel better! I wish I had done this earlier today! Oh well, there is a lesson for next time, I forgive myself!
Good night!
Last night I remembered that since my therapist closed her city office, I would have to figure out the bus schedule to get to her suburban office for my appointment today. When I looked it up I learned there was no bus that went there. I planned to take a cab but realized it would cost $50 so I decided to rent a car. I was at the car rental office this morning and couldn't rent the car because I didn't have the $200 available on my credit card (the sad irony is I have a ton of money right now.) I called and left a message while the car rental people sweetly drove me home, and then collapsed on my couch and felt like shit.
I felt like a complete loser, not just disappointed, but like the most irresponsible person in the world. Dr. T noticed this behavior once when I was late for an appointment, so I was able to recognize that this behavior, and response, was not a healthy one, and although I didn't do much to change it, I was at least able to recognize the feelings as not reasonable, instead of thinking I deserve to feel that way.
I spent most of the day sleeping and eating, my house is TRASHED (partly because I have the bathroom taped for painting, so everything is in the livingroom) I know that I was making unhealthy choices by staying in the house and sleeping. It would have been healthier to go for a bike ride, eat only healthy things, and maybe to have called a friend or wrote a blog post about how I was feeling. I didn't do those things, but I recognize that what I was doing was part of an unhealthy pattern, not misery outside of my control.
And for the last of my unhealthy behaviors, I have stayed up late watching TV. I could recognize myself cumpulsively continuing to watch, when I so clearly wanted to sleep. Years ago I would stay up late like this, stewing in my own discomfort, and not see it as contributing to my depression.
I will now go to bed, knowing today was a bad day. Today was not a gloomy sign that the depression is back and I should just submit, because I have no control, I had a bad day, I made some mistakes in my choices, and tomorrow I get to start fresh.
My thinking has really been reprogrammed from therapy. Therapy works. It is not sick people who go to therapy, it is sick people who choose to remain sick. Healthy people go to therapy, they are the ones who are willing to change. I was willing to listen to my therapist when she pointed out errors in my thinking. It would be easy to say "you just don't understand how hard it is to live my life, to be me" or to proudly act like "I know what I'm doing", keeping my thinking patterns just to be stubborn, but I submitted as much as I could, becuase I trust and like her, and because when I started I knew my life depended on it, (a year ago suicide was still a secretly attractive idea to me.)
I have come very far, and I am very proud of myself. I am obviously not perfect, look at me, I made some irresponsible choices in planning for this appointment, and in how I reacted to the dissappointment, but my expectation of myself isn't perfection anymore. And I have fallen down and made some mistakes, but I am just going to learn from them and move on now, unlike before, when I would be so mean in how I would think about myself, I would beat myself up, but not anymore.
Anyone who just started reading my blog recently, look at the beginning of it (april 05 I think) I read it and see a completely different person. If you are reading this you might be a person who has issues with depression or another chemical imbalance, I can tell you, don't give up hope! Keep going, GO TO THERAPY and take your medication. Make tiny changes for the better and be proud of yourself. Make good choices, and remember you are always making choices. Don't expect things to get better right away, but know that if you keep working they will get better. Treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated, with KINDNESS AND LOVE. STOP hating yourself!!! It will work. I promise it will work.
Now, having made the healthy choice of writing about my feelings, I feel better! I wish I had done this earlier today! Oh well, there is a lesson for next time, I forgive myself!
Good night!
Friday, August 18, 2006
Just e-mailed to roomie Tera (Oh! What a feeling!)
Hi Tera,
I have tried to get a hold of you by phone but have had no luck. I have got a new roommate set up for October, but she is willing to move in in Sept if you want. I thought it was a nice idea. It would be nice for me to get the stress of the transition over with, and I thought it would be nice for you since it would be cheaper to pay for a storage space than to pay rent & utilities for a place you aren’t at. However, there is no pressure at all, if you want to keep things as they are until Oct, of course that is just fine.
One thing I do want to put pressure on you is about returning my belongings: Devdas, my Tupperware, my pan, and anything else you might have taken. Remember, you never asked me if you could borrow these things in the first place. If you had asked, especially after you took my pan and never returned it, I would have said no. But you didn’t ask, you haven’t returned them, and I grow more and more insulted every day that they are gone. Would it have been okay if I, without your permission, took one of your casserole dishes to someone’s house I had only known a few weeks and leave it there forever? Of course not. Imagine if I did that to you repeatedly and you will know how I feel about this situation.
I sense I will never have my belongings back if I just continue to ask nicely. I think I have asked you nicely for the pan about 4 times, which is 4 times too many to ask for something I never even consented to you taking in the first place. I don’t trust that this is a priority to you so I am holding on to some of your DVDs as collateral until my belongings are returned. Chapelle seasons 1&2 until Devdas and my Tupperware is returned, and your Yoga DVD until you return my pan & lid, or purchase a black pan of the same size or larger with the same type of steam vent on top. By doing this, if I don’t get my belongings back I can look at myself in the mirror and say “at least you didn’t let her completely walk all over you”
I’ll have you know I hate being put in a position of having to be a hard-ass. I HATE being forced to seem “bitchy” or “naggy” I am most comfortable preventing and solving conflict with kindness. I wanted to talk to you about this one last time, nicely, really letting it sink in how offended and hurt I feel so you could return my things simply because you are an ethical person, not because you had some outside incentive. I am not willing to hound you just to get a hold of you, so I am just taking the next step to make you care about returning my stuff.
As far as the moving date, I would love a phone or e-mail message letting me know if you want to stay until October 1, but if I don’t get one I will just assume that you do. If you do decide to stay, please leave the rent check in my v-file on or before Aug 31st, or if you leave it at the apartment, on or before the 28th (I have a trip the 29th-1st)
I really, sincerely, honestly want our living situation to end amicably. I want the transition to be smooth and be as painless as possible for both of us. I hope that you want the same thing.
Best of Luck,
Diana
I have tried to get a hold of you by phone but have had no luck. I have got a new roommate set up for October, but she is willing to move in in Sept if you want. I thought it was a nice idea. It would be nice for me to get the stress of the transition over with, and I thought it would be nice for you since it would be cheaper to pay for a storage space than to pay rent & utilities for a place you aren’t at. However, there is no pressure at all, if you want to keep things as they are until Oct, of course that is just fine.
One thing I do want to put pressure on you is about returning my belongings: Devdas, my Tupperware, my pan, and anything else you might have taken. Remember, you never asked me if you could borrow these things in the first place. If you had asked, especially after you took my pan and never returned it, I would have said no. But you didn’t ask, you haven’t returned them, and I grow more and more insulted every day that they are gone. Would it have been okay if I, without your permission, took one of your casserole dishes to someone’s house I had only known a few weeks and leave it there forever? Of course not. Imagine if I did that to you repeatedly and you will know how I feel about this situation.
I sense I will never have my belongings back if I just continue to ask nicely. I think I have asked you nicely for the pan about 4 times, which is 4 times too many to ask for something I never even consented to you taking in the first place. I don’t trust that this is a priority to you so I am holding on to some of your DVDs as collateral until my belongings are returned. Chapelle seasons 1&2 until Devdas and my Tupperware is returned, and your Yoga DVD until you return my pan & lid, or purchase a black pan of the same size or larger with the same type of steam vent on top. By doing this, if I don’t get my belongings back I can look at myself in the mirror and say “at least you didn’t let her completely walk all over you”
I’ll have you know I hate being put in a position of having to be a hard-ass. I HATE being forced to seem “bitchy” or “naggy” I am most comfortable preventing and solving conflict with kindness. I wanted to talk to you about this one last time, nicely, really letting it sink in how offended and hurt I feel so you could return my things simply because you are an ethical person, not because you had some outside incentive. I am not willing to hound you just to get a hold of you, so I am just taking the next step to make you care about returning my stuff.
As far as the moving date, I would love a phone or e-mail message letting me know if you want to stay until October 1, but if I don’t get one I will just assume that you do. If you do decide to stay, please leave the rent check in my v-file on or before Aug 31st, or if you leave it at the apartment, on or before the 28th (I have a trip the 29th-1st)
I really, sincerely, honestly want our living situation to end amicably. I want the transition to be smooth and be as painless as possible for both of us. I hope that you want the same thing.
Best of Luck,
Diana
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
This was a response to my ad for a roommate on craigslist!
Hello,
I'm writing you After excessive enquiries on accommodation listing on the craigslist.org your property happens to interest my personalty and has been singled out by me. I am Kate a 26 year old female living in the Great britain,EUROPE after the death of my father and am a professional in the field of modelling and fashion design. The daily theory achievements have warranted me to want to relocate to Us so i can further more on my career and make it well in life course i have all it takes toThese have warranted the need for a special and comfortableroom and roommate were I will stay for the duration of a year or more depending on how the lease is been drawn; all expenses are the responsibility of my client who is owing me some few dollars. Please do get back to me as soon as you can, with the full details on: Rent, Room Size, Neirbourhood,Intersections and exact amount for rent, method of payment since I will be arriving ending of Aug . Furnished?telling me the modulation involved in the rent of the room. You can email at ********@yahoo.com i will be waiting for you urgent reply
and will also be looking forward to you reply.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
May God Bless You!!!
**** ****..
I'm writing you After excessive enquiries on accommodation listing on the craigslist.org your property happens to interest my personalty and has been singled out by me. I am Kate a 26 year old female living in the Great britain,EUROPE after the death of my father and am a professional in the field of modelling and fashion design. The daily theory achievements have warranted me to want to relocate to Us so i can further more on my career and make it well in life course i have all it takes toThese have warranted the need for a special and comfortableroom and roommate were I will stay for the duration of a year or more depending on how the lease is been drawn; all expenses are the responsibility of my client who is owing me some few dollars. Please do get back to me as soon as you can, with the full details on: Rent, Room Size, Neirbourhood,Intersections and exact amount for rent, method of payment since I will be arriving ending of Aug . Furnished?telling me the modulation involved in the rent of the room. You can email at ********@yahoo.com i will be waiting for you urgent reply
and will also be looking forward to you reply.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
May God Bless You!!!
**** ****..
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
I'm hot (and a little bit nasty)
Yeah, I'm hot. I got hit on today! I have been obese for the last few years so this is such a treat. YAAAAY! While I was waiting outside before a dentist appointment some guy waved to me from his car and I waved back assuming I knew him. He walked up to me a few minutes later, an ok figure and face, maybe with a little extra beer pudge. I said "oh I thought I knew you" and he said he thought I was a girl who works at starbucks. He asked me what I was doing, and I said waiting for a dentist appointment, and then he said I had beautiful teeth. LOL. I immediately let him know I had a boyfriend and thanked him for the compliment on my teeth. He thanked me for talking to him. LOL. Even if this guy was a dork I was so flattered to have a guy coming up to me stuttering and trying so hard. It makes me feel so happy about Charles, it reminds me that I am with him by choice, that I am desired and I am picking the best there is (he really is.)
So yeah, I am hot, but I am also nasty! Soon after Tera moved in she took one of my pots to some guy she had just started seeing and left it there. When I noticed it gone I said something like "you left it at his house? You havent been together that long, that wasn't a good idea." She assured me it would be okay. It is now 6 months later, she isn't seeing the guy and I don't have my pot. I have asked for it in different ways at least 4 times. A comprable pot (which wouldn't even match the set) costs about $40 at marshall's.
Maybe she made a huge mistake and she feels really bad about it, she took something of mine without my permission and never brought it back. You would assume after doing something so stupid she would never do it again...nope. She took a piece of my tupperware, that would cost 19.50 to replace, and has not brought it back. I have asked nicely about the pot a number of times, that obviously isn't working, so I am taking NASTY measures. I have taken, without her permission, Her Chapelle show DVDs, Season 1 & Season 2. When I get my dishes back, she gets her DVDs back. She had no right to take my stuff, she obviously doesn't care, so this is something to make her care.
I want to say it in the most congenial way possible, in a way that she will agree to it. In a way that will make her feel the guilt to match her actions (I made her cry once when I pointed out her selfish self.) I don't want to look like a crazy person who gets all fired up about a couple of dishes, but I am fired up, because it's not just about the dishes, it is mostly about the disrespect. And I want my dishes!
I will keep you up to date on how the Chapelle show drama goes down. Did I mention she is moving (halleluja!) and yes, still owes me $700.
So yeah, I am hot, but I am also nasty! Soon after Tera moved in she took one of my pots to some guy she had just started seeing and left it there. When I noticed it gone I said something like "you left it at his house? You havent been together that long, that wasn't a good idea." She assured me it would be okay. It is now 6 months later, she isn't seeing the guy and I don't have my pot. I have asked for it in different ways at least 4 times. A comprable pot (which wouldn't even match the set) costs about $40 at marshall's.
Maybe she made a huge mistake and she feels really bad about it, she took something of mine without my permission and never brought it back. You would assume after doing something so stupid she would never do it again...nope. She took a piece of my tupperware, that would cost 19.50 to replace, and has not brought it back. I have asked nicely about the pot a number of times, that obviously isn't working, so I am taking NASTY measures. I have taken, without her permission, Her Chapelle show DVDs, Season 1 & Season 2. When I get my dishes back, she gets her DVDs back. She had no right to take my stuff, she obviously doesn't care, so this is something to make her care.
I want to say it in the most congenial way possible, in a way that she will agree to it. In a way that will make her feel the guilt to match her actions (I made her cry once when I pointed out her selfish self.) I don't want to look like a crazy person who gets all fired up about a couple of dishes, but I am fired up, because it's not just about the dishes, it is mostly about the disrespect. And I want my dishes!
I will keep you up to date on how the Chapelle show drama goes down. Did I mention she is moving (halleluja!) and yes, still owes me $700.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Arm's Length Love
Today Charles and I went shopping for a dress for his mother. Today felt like we have been together for 20 years. I am very tired after working 16 consecutive days with only 3 of them off. He seems very tired too, he is working double shifts at work, working on a paper he will present at a confrence in South Africa, and I think tired from the stress that is to come (he is leaving in less than a week for Kenya to do the research for his dissertation.)
He looks like he has put on a few pounds. That bothers me. It's not a sexiness thing as much as a health thing. I am thinking so seriously (well until this week) about my health and eating choices, so to see him make unhealthy ones gets my brain thinking about heart disease and strokes. It also bothers me because I wonder if the weight gain is a sign that he is seriously stressed.
What stood out to me in the last ten minutes is the true nature of my feelings for him, I admire him SOOOOO much, I think he is one of the sweetest people I have ever met, but I am still, after over 7 months, not completely relaxed in love. I know mentally that he is the best guy for me, ever. He compliments me intellectualy, he is so ambitious and trustworthy, he is incredibly patient with my shortcomings, and very importantly, he sees the person I am, he is able to grasp and understand (and even appreciate) the many aspects of me. But, my love for him is very mental. My heart is still very guarded, I still (although I don't let on) hold him at an arm's length.
Well, not completely, which explains very understandably why I do remain so guarded. Where he is going, his home village, has gangs of criminals with machetes, who have recently targeted a person returning from America, because they thought he had money. Kenya's government is being criticized right now because the security situation is not good. Charles told me that and it sparked an old irrational thought that I have just recently begun to let go of.
When I was a child I was the target of teasing. I was a very anxious and sensitive girl, and it affected me terribly. When I was almost nine, my mother was hit by a train while she was walking her dog. I moved in with my father and his girlfriend, and although I was depressed, I was keeping my head above water. Three years later my stepmother left my father, and in the process, me, but at least I still had my dad. But not for long, only a month or so after she left, he began drinking, first a tequila sunrise every night, but soon a bottle a night, him passed out on the porch with the door unlocked leaving his 12 year old daughter exposed. I spent the next few years focused on how to get my father back, I was alone in a house of squalor, with only his shell there to pay the bills. (Barely) passing my classes and pretending to have a normal life were tasks I would have to pull off alone, with no support from a parent. Only three years after my stepmother and father left me, my maternal grandmother died of cancer. I felt that she had not tried hard enough to fight it, and made the decision to not depend on people because when you love someone, it hurts so much when they leave you, maybe it would be easier to not love.
I also, having anxiety disorder, had my anxious feelings validated by all of these tragedies hitting my life. I had anxiously told my mom to not walk the dog on the train tracks, and she got killed by a train. I (correctly) knew that my father's use of tequila sunrises to relax was not a healthy thing, and I watched my prediction happen before my eyes. The anxiety disorder was strong, and so was the feeling that I was somehow cursed. If I love something, it will be taken away. That is just the way I feel. I have gotten so much better with this, Risperdal has helped, but it has lingered on and this Kenya thing has proved it.
If Charles was murdered in Kenya, that would have to be the end of me. I finally get a good man, I finally have the possibility of moving into the future, of caring about and more importantly TRUSTING someone. And he disappears too. Just the fact that I am entertaining this idea goes to show the level of my conditioning. I have allowed someone 10% into my heart, what would I do if he was taken from me? I am just beginning to recover, it would be such an extreme blow.
And then I also have the empathy pain, another reason why I love people at arm's length. When someone I love hurts, it hurts me too much to bear. If I hold them emotionally at arm's length I don't have to feel the empathy pain as much. Poor Charles can't even stay overnight in his home village. He might be being paranoid, he is a little bit about crime, (he witnessed a murder here in the US, he even had to testify!) Paranoid or not, his visit home is being tarnished by fear of danger to himself or his family, that is so completely unfair!
I love Charles intellectualy, but emotionally, like with just about everybody, I am rather detached. I am always ready to release and quickly move on. If my mother, stepmother, father, and grandmother all left me, then I need to be ready for the next blow, I have to keep myself upright, no one will catch me, so strong emotional attachments are a danger to my survival. It is incredible the amount I have been able to feel for Charles, if I can keep myself from ending it (and he can keep himself from being murdered) I assume over the years I will be able to let go a little more.
I am worried about myself in the next three months without him. I don't want to get depressed and I don't want my feelings to fade (as the path of least resistance) I have come so far in the last year. I love someone worthy at least, even if it is only at arm's length.
He looks like he has put on a few pounds. That bothers me. It's not a sexiness thing as much as a health thing. I am thinking so seriously (well until this week) about my health and eating choices, so to see him make unhealthy ones gets my brain thinking about heart disease and strokes. It also bothers me because I wonder if the weight gain is a sign that he is seriously stressed.
What stood out to me in the last ten minutes is the true nature of my feelings for him, I admire him SOOOOO much, I think he is one of the sweetest people I have ever met, but I am still, after over 7 months, not completely relaxed in love. I know mentally that he is the best guy for me, ever. He compliments me intellectualy, he is so ambitious and trustworthy, he is incredibly patient with my shortcomings, and very importantly, he sees the person I am, he is able to grasp and understand (and even appreciate) the many aspects of me. But, my love for him is very mental. My heart is still very guarded, I still (although I don't let on) hold him at an arm's length.
Well, not completely, which explains very understandably why I do remain so guarded. Where he is going, his home village, has gangs of criminals with machetes, who have recently targeted a person returning from America, because they thought he had money. Kenya's government is being criticized right now because the security situation is not good. Charles told me that and it sparked an old irrational thought that I have just recently begun to let go of.
When I was a child I was the target of teasing. I was a very anxious and sensitive girl, and it affected me terribly. When I was almost nine, my mother was hit by a train while she was walking her dog. I moved in with my father and his girlfriend, and although I was depressed, I was keeping my head above water. Three years later my stepmother left my father, and in the process, me, but at least I still had my dad. But not for long, only a month or so after she left, he began drinking, first a tequila sunrise every night, but soon a bottle a night, him passed out on the porch with the door unlocked leaving his 12 year old daughter exposed. I spent the next few years focused on how to get my father back, I was alone in a house of squalor, with only his shell there to pay the bills. (Barely) passing my classes and pretending to have a normal life were tasks I would have to pull off alone, with no support from a parent. Only three years after my stepmother and father left me, my maternal grandmother died of cancer. I felt that she had not tried hard enough to fight it, and made the decision to not depend on people because when you love someone, it hurts so much when they leave you, maybe it would be easier to not love.
I also, having anxiety disorder, had my anxious feelings validated by all of these tragedies hitting my life. I had anxiously told my mom to not walk the dog on the train tracks, and she got killed by a train. I (correctly) knew that my father's use of tequila sunrises to relax was not a healthy thing, and I watched my prediction happen before my eyes. The anxiety disorder was strong, and so was the feeling that I was somehow cursed. If I love something, it will be taken away. That is just the way I feel. I have gotten so much better with this, Risperdal has helped, but it has lingered on and this Kenya thing has proved it.
If Charles was murdered in Kenya, that would have to be the end of me. I finally get a good man, I finally have the possibility of moving into the future, of caring about and more importantly TRUSTING someone. And he disappears too. Just the fact that I am entertaining this idea goes to show the level of my conditioning. I have allowed someone 10% into my heart, what would I do if he was taken from me? I am just beginning to recover, it would be such an extreme blow.
And then I also have the empathy pain, another reason why I love people at arm's length. When someone I love hurts, it hurts me too much to bear. If I hold them emotionally at arm's length I don't have to feel the empathy pain as much. Poor Charles can't even stay overnight in his home village. He might be being paranoid, he is a little bit about crime, (he witnessed a murder here in the US, he even had to testify!) Paranoid or not, his visit home is being tarnished by fear of danger to himself or his family, that is so completely unfair!
I love Charles intellectualy, but emotionally, like with just about everybody, I am rather detached. I am always ready to release and quickly move on. If my mother, stepmother, father, and grandmother all left me, then I need to be ready for the next blow, I have to keep myself upright, no one will catch me, so strong emotional attachments are a danger to my survival. It is incredible the amount I have been able to feel for Charles, if I can keep myself from ending it (and he can keep himself from being murdered) I assume over the years I will be able to let go a little more.
I am worried about myself in the next three months without him. I don't want to get depressed and I don't want my feelings to fade (as the path of least resistance) I have come so far in the last year. I love someone worthy at least, even if it is only at arm's length.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Miss Universe
Last night I watched the last half hour of the Miss Universe peagent.
I observed how the contestents were noticibly thinner than they were a decade ago. One in particular was extremely sickly looking, but she had a face so beautiful that if you squinted, you could imagine how pretty she would be if she had a normal body.
As the group narrowed down it became obvious who would win. Miss Japan, drop-dead georgeous, irresistably charming, who also spoke 4 languages and spoke out against domestic violence when the other ladies talked about antique shops.
They picked the Anorexic! The one who was so obviously SICK was the one they picked out of the big group of the only moderately sickley women!
I am SO SERIOUSLY concerned for any girl or vulnerable woman who was exposed to that event.
I observed how the contestents were noticibly thinner than they were a decade ago. One in particular was extremely sickly looking, but she had a face so beautiful that if you squinted, you could imagine how pretty she would be if she had a normal body.
As the group narrowed down it became obvious who would win. Miss Japan, drop-dead georgeous, irresistably charming, who also spoke 4 languages and spoke out against domestic violence when the other ladies talked about antique shops.
They picked the Anorexic! The one who was so obviously SICK was the one they picked out of the big group of the only moderately sickley women!
I am SO SERIOUSLY concerned for any girl or vulnerable woman who was exposed to that event.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Lonely
Call me a pretentious elitist bitch, see how much I care.
Two people, person A and person B having a conversation, person A, say, has intelligence of 5 out of 10. Person B has intelligence of 6 out of 10. When person A makes a point at level 5, person B will understand where they are coming from, because person B operates on level 6. But when person B makes a level 6 point, the person on level 5 will not understand them. So person A feels understood and at ease. Person B feels misunderstood and alienated.
That is how I have operated a lot of my life. When I was growing up I think people at my level or higher were doing well in acedemics, so I wasn't around them as much, a lot because of my insecurity and jealousy of their success when my life was in so much turmoil. I spent a lot of time trying as hard as I could to date guys and be friends with people at a lower level then me. I spent a lot of time feeling like an alien from outer space, my ideas and perspectives on things being met with blank stares and indifferent shrugs. Lonely.
This is what happens ALL THE TIME when I have conversations with Tera. I am operating at a different level, not by much, so I am not as aware of it, but so many of the points I make are simplified and returned back to me in a completely different form than I intended them.
I dare you to call me haughty or arrogant. The fact that the circle I am surrounded with is mostly people with a different capacity to understand concepts that I do does not speak highly of me. It is a sign that I don't challenge myself enough. I don't see myself as being better than anyone because of my intelligence status in contrast to people around me, I see myself as needing improvement becuase of it.
I feel uneasy though about the idea of organizations like MENSA. I think organizations like that make it much easier for people to be self-congratualatory for being smart, which is pretty much something you are born with. I don't know if I could pass the MENSA test, I would like to try. I suspect that I could eventually pass, but it would be rediculous for me to feel special or superior because of it, because my intelligence is not a reflection of hard work. I have friends who likely would have a lower score on the test, because their reasoning and logic skills arent what mine are, but THEY have something to congratulate themselves for, degrees and careers, where me, with my higher score on a hypothetical test have not. I am not ashamed of my intelligence, I am very proud of it, but I dont feel like I should recieve a pat on the back for it. I fear groups like MENSA facilitate that type of back patting, and that is a bad thing because intelligence does not equal wisdom, as most of the great disasters of history prove. Brilliant minds create more and more sophisticated weapons, so it is totally incorrect to equate intelligence with virtue.
On the other hand, groups like MENSA could help people find someone who understands them. Someone who doesn't look at them blankly when they get excited about an idea or a point.
I can see in writing this, that I really am in a very lonely place. People at my intelligence level are mostly really far ahead of me in knowledge and professional success. I feel tiny and insecure around them, and I usually shrink down into my well worn cheerleader persona. I act sweet and non-threatning, I behave as if I have no opinion because the possibility of being disregared because of my lack of perfessional success and knowledge, of being mispercieved as being unintelligent, is too much to bear. I would rather they think I am dumb because I put on an act then to take the risk that the true me is seen as dumb.
I think that might be why I loved blogging so much. For once I was able to be myself, as I am. I wasn't playing dumb so I could fit in, and I wasn't playing dumb to keep people from disregarding me. I was being the true me.
And I can be the true me with Charles, which is really saying something. He is almost a PhD but he doesn't look down on my flight attendant, stereotypically bimboish career. Best of all, he understands the points I make, I can say whats on my mind, and he not only understands my perspective, he respects the complexity of it, even though I don't hold a degree.
One problem with the complexity of my perspective, I have the tendancy to read too much into things. Maybe Tera would have the capacity to understand my points if she gave a shit enough to listen. She instead is thinking of herself, about herself and about how things impact her, so maybe I am just making excuses for her. Maybe she isn't unable to grasp my points, maybe she is unable to care that I am making any.
Two people, person A and person B having a conversation, person A, say, has intelligence of 5 out of 10. Person B has intelligence of 6 out of 10. When person A makes a point at level 5, person B will understand where they are coming from, because person B operates on level 6. But when person B makes a level 6 point, the person on level 5 will not understand them. So person A feels understood and at ease. Person B feels misunderstood and alienated.
That is how I have operated a lot of my life. When I was growing up I think people at my level or higher were doing well in acedemics, so I wasn't around them as much, a lot because of my insecurity and jealousy of their success when my life was in so much turmoil. I spent a lot of time trying as hard as I could to date guys and be friends with people at a lower level then me. I spent a lot of time feeling like an alien from outer space, my ideas and perspectives on things being met with blank stares and indifferent shrugs. Lonely.
This is what happens ALL THE TIME when I have conversations with Tera. I am operating at a different level, not by much, so I am not as aware of it, but so many of the points I make are simplified and returned back to me in a completely different form than I intended them.
I dare you to call me haughty or arrogant. The fact that the circle I am surrounded with is mostly people with a different capacity to understand concepts that I do does not speak highly of me. It is a sign that I don't challenge myself enough. I don't see myself as being better than anyone because of my intelligence status in contrast to people around me, I see myself as needing improvement becuase of it.
I feel uneasy though about the idea of organizations like MENSA. I think organizations like that make it much easier for people to be self-congratualatory for being smart, which is pretty much something you are born with. I don't know if I could pass the MENSA test, I would like to try. I suspect that I could eventually pass, but it would be rediculous for me to feel special or superior because of it, because my intelligence is not a reflection of hard work. I have friends who likely would have a lower score on the test, because their reasoning and logic skills arent what mine are, but THEY have something to congratulate themselves for, degrees and careers, where me, with my higher score on a hypothetical test have not. I am not ashamed of my intelligence, I am very proud of it, but I dont feel like I should recieve a pat on the back for it. I fear groups like MENSA facilitate that type of back patting, and that is a bad thing because intelligence does not equal wisdom, as most of the great disasters of history prove. Brilliant minds create more and more sophisticated weapons, so it is totally incorrect to equate intelligence with virtue.
On the other hand, groups like MENSA could help people find someone who understands them. Someone who doesn't look at them blankly when they get excited about an idea or a point.
I can see in writing this, that I really am in a very lonely place. People at my intelligence level are mostly really far ahead of me in knowledge and professional success. I feel tiny and insecure around them, and I usually shrink down into my well worn cheerleader persona. I act sweet and non-threatning, I behave as if I have no opinion because the possibility of being disregared because of my lack of perfessional success and knowledge, of being mispercieved as being unintelligent, is too much to bear. I would rather they think I am dumb because I put on an act then to take the risk that the true me is seen as dumb.
I think that might be why I loved blogging so much. For once I was able to be myself, as I am. I wasn't playing dumb so I could fit in, and I wasn't playing dumb to keep people from disregarding me. I was being the true me.
And I can be the true me with Charles, which is really saying something. He is almost a PhD but he doesn't look down on my flight attendant, stereotypically bimboish career. Best of all, he understands the points I make, I can say whats on my mind, and he not only understands my perspective, he respects the complexity of it, even though I don't hold a degree.
One problem with the complexity of my perspective, I have the tendancy to read too much into things. Maybe Tera would have the capacity to understand my points if she gave a shit enough to listen. She instead is thinking of herself, about herself and about how things impact her, so maybe I am just making excuses for her. Maybe she isn't unable to grasp my points, maybe she is unable to care that I am making any.
Monday, July 17, 2006
When you bump your head, is it a bad thing to see a flash of light?
I am in Rapid City, SD for an overnight at work. I went walking to find out what the fitness center was like and I found the opportunity for a MUCH MORE FUN workout. It involved taking off your clothes, laying back, and being roughed around while you get soaking wet. There were waterslides!!!
I decided my workout today would be sliding down the waterslides. Why not? There are 25 stairs to run up, and it requires balance muscles as you go down the slide. I went 30 times, which means I walked up 750 (right?) stairs, and so I consider it a one hour workout.
Did I tell you all that? I have begun working out as part of Weight Watchers. I was taking a few walks before, but I am serious this time. Linda and I are competing, whoever loses the most weight by the end of August gets bellydancing lessons paid for by the one who loses the least. I am pretty broke, so I really hope I win.
I think todays workout was a great idea with one exception, I bumped my head on the fast slide, so hard in fact that while in a dark tunnel I saw a bright flash of light! Pretty facinating, I bet I bumped something in the visual part of my brain, I just hope I am not injured seriously! That was a half hour and 10 slides ago, I think I would know by know if something serious happened. I will bet you anything though that I will have the headache from hell tonight, from that and from all of the chlorine forced into my sinuses.
One more thing...a rock band from EMI records was at the hotel! I have no clue who they were, I probably wouldn't know even if I heard their name, but thats pretty exciting to know, whoo hoo!
Miss you all!
I decided my workout today would be sliding down the waterslides. Why not? There are 25 stairs to run up, and it requires balance muscles as you go down the slide. I went 30 times, which means I walked up 750 (right?) stairs, and so I consider it a one hour workout.
Did I tell you all that? I have begun working out as part of Weight Watchers. I was taking a few walks before, but I am serious this time. Linda and I are competing, whoever loses the most weight by the end of August gets bellydancing lessons paid for by the one who loses the least. I am pretty broke, so I really hope I win.
I think todays workout was a great idea with one exception, I bumped my head on the fast slide, so hard in fact that while in a dark tunnel I saw a bright flash of light! Pretty facinating, I bet I bumped something in the visual part of my brain, I just hope I am not injured seriously! That was a half hour and 10 slides ago, I think I would know by know if something serious happened. I will bet you anything though that I will have the headache from hell tonight, from that and from all of the chlorine forced into my sinuses.
One more thing...a rock band from EMI records was at the hotel! I have no clue who they were, I probably wouldn't know even if I heard their name, but thats pretty exciting to know, whoo hoo!
Miss you all!
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
I feel like shit
So, coming home from the folk fest has not been so great. I feel so down in the dumps, I can't even believe it.
For one, I am seriously concerned that Charles and I don't have a future. The chemistry/sex bit is just NOT working, and without that, I just don't know.
I also feel sick, becuase I have been eating like I did before starting Weight Watchers, so I feel a little sick to my stomach and weighed down.
I am stressed, I told Charles that Tera is moving, and that he should move in. I know it seems strange to say move in when you question if you have a future, but if I was sure I had a future with him I would probably be less likely to want to move in. I felt like I might break up with him if he moved in, just becuase it is so hard for me to live with people. Now, if I am unsure about the future, living together could seal the deal, in either direction.
I also feel shitty because the house is SO HOT. We have only fans in the house, and they are tiny.
So it is all going SHITTY. I am not excited to continue on with my life, which just goes to show I need to change my life, possibly including an increase in antidepressants. Oy VEY.
Oh, did I mention that Charles' ipod broke, I had it powering and forgot it, so it was charging for 4 days, now it wont light up at all. I didn't even enjoy it enough to have to buy a new one. Damn.
I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life
I could keep typing that but I will stop. I don't feel any resolution from writing this, only more focused that I am stressed. Damn.
For one, I am seriously concerned that Charles and I don't have a future. The chemistry/sex bit is just NOT working, and without that, I just don't know.
I also feel sick, becuase I have been eating like I did before starting Weight Watchers, so I feel a little sick to my stomach and weighed down.
I am stressed, I told Charles that Tera is moving, and that he should move in. I know it seems strange to say move in when you question if you have a future, but if I was sure I had a future with him I would probably be less likely to want to move in. I felt like I might break up with him if he moved in, just becuase it is so hard for me to live with people. Now, if I am unsure about the future, living together could seal the deal, in either direction.
I also feel shitty because the house is SO HOT. We have only fans in the house, and they are tiny.
So it is all going SHITTY. I am not excited to continue on with my life, which just goes to show I need to change my life, possibly including an increase in antidepressants. Oy VEY.
Oh, did I mention that Charles' ipod broke, I had it powering and forgot it, so it was charging for 4 days, now it wont light up at all. I didn't even enjoy it enough to have to buy a new one. Damn.
I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life
I could keep typing that but I will stop. I don't feel any resolution from writing this, only more focused that I am stressed. Damn.
Too great news
I suppose I will have to make this fast, since there is a scheduled outage at 4, and I dont know what time zone that will be in.
Tera is not only planning to move, but is going to pay back the money she owes me! It is too wonderful! Now the big desicion, to have Charles move in, or not. My arguement for him not moving in is that I am worried I would want to push him out of my life if I lived with him, because I would freak out from the closeness, but if I could push him away, wouldn't it be better before marriage, not after?
I will wait to write more until after the "outage"
I am SO HAPPY!!!
Tera is not only planning to move, but is going to pay back the money she owes me! It is too wonderful! Now the big desicion, to have Charles move in, or not. My arguement for him not moving in is that I am worried I would want to push him out of my life if I lived with him, because I would freak out from the closeness, but if I could push him away, wouldn't it be better before marriage, not after?
I will wait to write more until after the "outage"
I am SO HAPPY!!!
Monday, July 10, 2006
Winnepeg Folk Festival
I just got to the north of my state, after spending the weekend at the Winnepeg Folk Festival. I went to the folk fest as a little girl with my mother. I went again in 2003 after the time I was suicidal, it was a highlight of the time and helped me get myself back on my feet. I decided this weekend that I will go every year, and bring my children. There are important holidays in my life, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and the Winnepeg Folk Fest.
First off, the best part of the Folk fest is the PEOPLE! What dignified, civilized, lovely people! I have come to the conclusion with my travels that I REALLY like Canadians. They seem so down to earth and decent as opposed to many Americans, who seem to think friendliness is hokey, or a sign of stupidity. But many of the Folk fest guests were Americans, and just so lovely. I understand the hippie movement so much, people just living in peace and caring about eachother. I am sorry but WHAT is "extremist" about that? Nothing. It simply makes sense. We need to see past profit and get back to reality.
And of course what is great about the folk fest is...surprise! music! My favorite find? K'naan, K'NAAN, K'NAAN! I was most excited to see him because he was born in Somalia and there are many Somali people in my city, and I LOVE his CD! I enjoyed his performances quite a bit, but wasn't planning to buy the CD until he came out for the encore, and sang this awesome intense song which included a sing back chant "hunna hunna hunna hunna hunna hunna hay" It was so electric, and stuck in my head for hours. He opened for Damian Marley, he will be famous, do you hear me! :)
http://www.thedustyfoot.com
Another VERY memorable act was a woman named Tagaq. I have seen her, or another woman who performed her style of music before, it's called "throat singing" it's an old Native American or First Nations thing and it is cool and crazy. It is an undescribable sound. Well while we were waiting for some damn shakti spirit dancers to show up in the alternative tent, we heard this BIZARRE sound coming from the main stage. There was a deep techno bass and this loud intense breathing and groaning. It sounded sexual and sortof demonic! If you get a chance definately visit the site and listen to the song she has posted. That one is nothing compared to what she did on stage. In a way I wish I bought HER CD. If there is any memorable sound from the folk fest it is her.
http://www.tanyatagaq.com/
Charles didn't come to the folk fest. His proposal for his dissertation is tomorrow, and it would have cost $70 for the visa to Canada, a steep price after adding the $170 for tickets & camping, especially before the trip to Kenya coming up (where he will do research for his dissertation.) I was disappointed that he couldn't come. It allowed worry to come into my head. I saw all of these hippy american (or canadian) boys who made me think about lust. Charles and I have such a great relationship, but what I don't feel is hot lust when he walks in the room. I regularly feel unbelievable admiration. I regularly feel proud and lucky that I have him. But I don't feel that hot lust that puts a lump in your throat. That feeling that when you touch his hand, your face gets warm. I know I am taking a lot of anti-depressants, and my sex drive is definately down, but as I approach a possible future with this man I wonder if what we have is enough. I know I don't have to make a desision about it today, he doesn't either, but I thought about it on this trip.
Another thing, an awesome thing that I discovered on this trip is that I still may be a bit depressed. There are things that I used to be interested in (music for one) that I have convinced myself I have outgrown. I have not outgrown these things, I think I am still depressed enough that I don't have intrest in things. It's true. I am doing REALLY well, functioning and everything, but I am by no means excited to be alive. I am excited that being alive isn't so difficult anymore, and I even have brief moments of happiness, but I still see living as a sentance, and I occasionally secretly think that the fact that I can't die is sort of unfair.
And hope is a powerful thing. Just imagining that I could be interested in what I used to be interested, like excercise, music, and beauty (decorating, crafts, personal grooming and fashion.) I am just excited by the idea! When I started college I loved being alive, It perked me up to imagine life could be that fun again! The only times I can think of feeling "fun" were this weekend, my trip to Florida for new years, and while kayaking last month. I have felt not unhappy, pleased, and excited, but not really "fun."
One thing that I think will help me is the purging of the friendship with Keely (from the prior post.) I met Keely in Jr. High, and though I thought she was weird I also thought she was the coolest person I had ever met, and felt like we were totally on the same wavelength. We could not talk to eachother for a year and then pick up where we left off.
In 2000 I think we became roommates, and our friendship went to hell. She smoked weed almost every day, if not every day, and was SO mean and condecending to me. I just took it. I actually trusted that she had good reason to be that way to me. We had always thought so alike. She wouldn't be unfair or unreasonable to me, so I must have been deserving of it somehow. She had shown me some ignorance I had about racial issues, so I felt I deserved punishment for being white and ignorant. In the end though, how does someone become not-ignorant but to learn?
She never gave me the benefit of the doubt. She never saw the spirit of what I would say, she would twist it into something negative and then berate me for it. A great example was when I told her about a woman I worked with who was a bigot. I felt really proud of myself for talking to this woman and feeling like I had really made some headway. Again, you can't become un-ignorant until you are informed, I felt like this woman, because of my kindness, was open to what I had to say, her dad was a terrible racist, and she had never been exposed to real people, just the stereotypes her dad fed her. Keely thought I was just AWFUL for doing this. In her eyes I was a terrible person for having conversations with this woman at work. I can see the arguement that you should shun bad behavior like racism, but I think love is stronger than hate, and that I did more good by discussing these things with her than turning my nose up and walking away the moment I learned about her ideas. If she werent receptive and I remained friendly with her it would be a different thing, but Keely went straight to the negative, as she usually did, and turned something that was at best brave and productive, at very worst naive and misguided into something horrible.
The reason she treated me so awfully was probably a combination of things. For one, we had unhealthy boundaries and I think I was fitting into the role of her little sister. She used to be TERRIBLE to her little sister (who is now strung out with 2 kids, and was a prostitute, may still be) and so I think she was following her own patterns. I think she may have been having a little revenge on me for some of my snootiness in Jr high. I had a killer body and at times looked down on those that were chubbier than me. I also think that she, like I do with roomie Tera, was envious of my innocence. She had just come from a divorce, from a man who cheated and may have married her for a green card, and I was full of enthusiasm about life, I think she wanted to bring me down to her level (and she succeeded)
When I saw Keely she was boring and unpleasant to be around. Although she is smart as hell, smart enough to own her own company, she was recently FIRED from a job! A 29 year old, especially someone with her potential, is much too old to have that happen! She was so much smaller to me than in my head. In my head, my memory of her was this big, capable, brilliant goddess, but the other night I saw her for what she really is, unstable, snobby, and a chicken for not being the person she could be.
Now that I see she is full of shit, I can see that her image and treatment of me was also full of shit. I really internalized how she treated me, as much as a person in an abusive realtionship would (remember, I loved her like a sister) and now that I am wanting to be free of her, I also want to be free of the thoughts I have about myself, that were introduced by her. I now need to forgive myself for the ignorance I DID have, and reject the filter she invented to see me through as being irrelevant and shallow. I never was those things, I was imperfect, as was she, but I have always been smart and very thoughtful and ethical. I have been beating myself up for years, especially after living with her. I am a good person, a very good person, I was then too. I can now give myself permission to be my true self, I don't have to be ashamed of that self. I am proud of who I am and now can stand up and say that.
On the other hand I am better now than I was back then. I have been through a year of therapy and had a lot of growth since the severe suicidal depression. Perhaps her and I were on the same level mental health wise back then, (maybe me a little healthier, her a little more informed) but now I am a great deal healthier AND more informed than I was, so I have simply outgrown her. This would not be a relationship ending offence in itself if she werent so toxic to me.
In the end, I still love her as a sister. I want the best for her and wish she could rise up to her true, beautiful, brilliant core. It is a shame she is staying in this snotty, unmotivated shell of a person, but as it affects me so negatively and would require me to lower myself to keep her around I will only move on, happy to be free of an unpleasant element in my life.
I am also going to change in the way I relate to my roommate. I still sort of don't trust her, and find her helplessness annoying, but my city snobbery to her suburban ignorance has got to go. Keely's treatment of my ignorance was condecending and hurtful, and I sort of see myself doing that to Tera. Yes, when I try to present the alternative to some of her ignorance she brushes it off, but that is on HER. I have presented the information to her, it is up to her to accept or reject it, my job is done. If there is someone's enlightenment I should put my energy into, it would have to be my own. I have plenty of work to do on myself, it is not my job to fix Tera.
I feel a lot of hope. I am excited to imagine my life with the depression and self-hatred lifted. It is really hard to get my brain to shift to fit these new realizations. The old thinking is a habit, so it will take work to break it. Depression makes it harder, and I think a medication increase should help.
I also hope continuing to blog will help. Thank you so much for continuing to read! Joseph and Sparkle, your comments made my day!!! I was pretty certian no one would read anymore, so thanks again.
yay
First off, the best part of the Folk fest is the PEOPLE! What dignified, civilized, lovely people! I have come to the conclusion with my travels that I REALLY like Canadians. They seem so down to earth and decent as opposed to many Americans, who seem to think friendliness is hokey, or a sign of stupidity. But many of the Folk fest guests were Americans, and just so lovely. I understand the hippie movement so much, people just living in peace and caring about eachother. I am sorry but WHAT is "extremist" about that? Nothing. It simply makes sense. We need to see past profit and get back to reality.
And of course what is great about the folk fest is...surprise! music! My favorite find? K'naan, K'NAAN, K'NAAN! I was most excited to see him because he was born in Somalia and there are many Somali people in my city, and I LOVE his CD! I enjoyed his performances quite a bit, but wasn't planning to buy the CD until he came out for the encore, and sang this awesome intense song which included a sing back chant "hunna hunna hunna hunna hunna hunna hay" It was so electric, and stuck in my head for hours. He opened for Damian Marley, he will be famous, do you hear me! :)
http://www.thedustyfoot.com
Another VERY memorable act was a woman named Tagaq. I have seen her, or another woman who performed her style of music before, it's called "throat singing" it's an old Native American or First Nations thing and it is cool and crazy. It is an undescribable sound. Well while we were waiting for some damn shakti spirit dancers to show up in the alternative tent, we heard this BIZARRE sound coming from the main stage. There was a deep techno bass and this loud intense breathing and groaning. It sounded sexual and sortof demonic! If you get a chance definately visit the site and listen to the song she has posted. That one is nothing compared to what she did on stage. In a way I wish I bought HER CD. If there is any memorable sound from the folk fest it is her.
http://www.tanyatagaq.com/
Charles didn't come to the folk fest. His proposal for his dissertation is tomorrow, and it would have cost $70 for the visa to Canada, a steep price after adding the $170 for tickets & camping, especially before the trip to Kenya coming up (where he will do research for his dissertation.) I was disappointed that he couldn't come. It allowed worry to come into my head. I saw all of these hippy american (or canadian) boys who made me think about lust. Charles and I have such a great relationship, but what I don't feel is hot lust when he walks in the room. I regularly feel unbelievable admiration. I regularly feel proud and lucky that I have him. But I don't feel that hot lust that puts a lump in your throat. That feeling that when you touch his hand, your face gets warm. I know I am taking a lot of anti-depressants, and my sex drive is definately down, but as I approach a possible future with this man I wonder if what we have is enough. I know I don't have to make a desision about it today, he doesn't either, but I thought about it on this trip.
Another thing, an awesome thing that I discovered on this trip is that I still may be a bit depressed. There are things that I used to be interested in (music for one) that I have convinced myself I have outgrown. I have not outgrown these things, I think I am still depressed enough that I don't have intrest in things. It's true. I am doing REALLY well, functioning and everything, but I am by no means excited to be alive. I am excited that being alive isn't so difficult anymore, and I even have brief moments of happiness, but I still see living as a sentance, and I occasionally secretly think that the fact that I can't die is sort of unfair.
And hope is a powerful thing. Just imagining that I could be interested in what I used to be interested, like excercise, music, and beauty (decorating, crafts, personal grooming and fashion.) I am just excited by the idea! When I started college I loved being alive, It perked me up to imagine life could be that fun again! The only times I can think of feeling "fun" were this weekend, my trip to Florida for new years, and while kayaking last month. I have felt not unhappy, pleased, and excited, but not really "fun."
One thing that I think will help me is the purging of the friendship with Keely (from the prior post.) I met Keely in Jr. High, and though I thought she was weird I also thought she was the coolest person I had ever met, and felt like we were totally on the same wavelength. We could not talk to eachother for a year and then pick up where we left off.
In 2000 I think we became roommates, and our friendship went to hell. She smoked weed almost every day, if not every day, and was SO mean and condecending to me. I just took it. I actually trusted that she had good reason to be that way to me. We had always thought so alike. She wouldn't be unfair or unreasonable to me, so I must have been deserving of it somehow. She had shown me some ignorance I had about racial issues, so I felt I deserved punishment for being white and ignorant. In the end though, how does someone become not-ignorant but to learn?
She never gave me the benefit of the doubt. She never saw the spirit of what I would say, she would twist it into something negative and then berate me for it. A great example was when I told her about a woman I worked with who was a bigot. I felt really proud of myself for talking to this woman and feeling like I had really made some headway. Again, you can't become un-ignorant until you are informed, I felt like this woman, because of my kindness, was open to what I had to say, her dad was a terrible racist, and she had never been exposed to real people, just the stereotypes her dad fed her. Keely thought I was just AWFUL for doing this. In her eyes I was a terrible person for having conversations with this woman at work. I can see the arguement that you should shun bad behavior like racism, but I think love is stronger than hate, and that I did more good by discussing these things with her than turning my nose up and walking away the moment I learned about her ideas. If she werent receptive and I remained friendly with her it would be a different thing, but Keely went straight to the negative, as she usually did, and turned something that was at best brave and productive, at very worst naive and misguided into something horrible.
The reason she treated me so awfully was probably a combination of things. For one, we had unhealthy boundaries and I think I was fitting into the role of her little sister. She used to be TERRIBLE to her little sister (who is now strung out with 2 kids, and was a prostitute, may still be) and so I think she was following her own patterns. I think she may have been having a little revenge on me for some of my snootiness in Jr high. I had a killer body and at times looked down on those that were chubbier than me. I also think that she, like I do with roomie Tera, was envious of my innocence. She had just come from a divorce, from a man who cheated and may have married her for a green card, and I was full of enthusiasm about life, I think she wanted to bring me down to her level (and she succeeded)
When I saw Keely she was boring and unpleasant to be around. Although she is smart as hell, smart enough to own her own company, she was recently FIRED from a job! A 29 year old, especially someone with her potential, is much too old to have that happen! She was so much smaller to me than in my head. In my head, my memory of her was this big, capable, brilliant goddess, but the other night I saw her for what she really is, unstable, snobby, and a chicken for not being the person she could be.
Now that I see she is full of shit, I can see that her image and treatment of me was also full of shit. I really internalized how she treated me, as much as a person in an abusive realtionship would (remember, I loved her like a sister) and now that I am wanting to be free of her, I also want to be free of the thoughts I have about myself, that were introduced by her. I now need to forgive myself for the ignorance I DID have, and reject the filter she invented to see me through as being irrelevant and shallow. I never was those things, I was imperfect, as was she, but I have always been smart and very thoughtful and ethical. I have been beating myself up for years, especially after living with her. I am a good person, a very good person, I was then too. I can now give myself permission to be my true self, I don't have to be ashamed of that self. I am proud of who I am and now can stand up and say that.
On the other hand I am better now than I was back then. I have been through a year of therapy and had a lot of growth since the severe suicidal depression. Perhaps her and I were on the same level mental health wise back then, (maybe me a little healthier, her a little more informed) but now I am a great deal healthier AND more informed than I was, so I have simply outgrown her. This would not be a relationship ending offence in itself if she werent so toxic to me.
In the end, I still love her as a sister. I want the best for her and wish she could rise up to her true, beautiful, brilliant core. It is a shame she is staying in this snotty, unmotivated shell of a person, but as it affects me so negatively and would require me to lower myself to keep her around I will only move on, happy to be free of an unpleasant element in my life.
I am also going to change in the way I relate to my roommate. I still sort of don't trust her, and find her helplessness annoying, but my city snobbery to her suburban ignorance has got to go. Keely's treatment of my ignorance was condecending and hurtful, and I sort of see myself doing that to Tera. Yes, when I try to present the alternative to some of her ignorance she brushes it off, but that is on HER. I have presented the information to her, it is up to her to accept or reject it, my job is done. If there is someone's enlightenment I should put my energy into, it would have to be my own. I have plenty of work to do on myself, it is not my job to fix Tera.
I feel a lot of hope. I am excited to imagine my life with the depression and self-hatred lifted. It is really hard to get my brain to shift to fit these new realizations. The old thinking is a habit, so it will take work to break it. Depression makes it harder, and I think a medication increase should help.
I also hope continuing to blog will help. Thank you so much for continuing to read! Joseph and Sparkle, your comments made my day!!! I was pretty certian no one would read anymore, so thanks again.
yay
Sunday, July 02, 2006
I hope today is the day I start blogging again.
Did you miss me? I missed you. alot.
Tonight I did a big thing. I went to a bar by myself.
My friend and former roommate Keely was in town for an arts summit for "b-girls" and tonight was the afterparty. I tried to get Charles to go, and my sister Linda (who introduced me to Keely in jr. high) but neither of them did. I was going to be defeated and not go, I would even enjoy the excuse I had, that no one could come with me, but something in me felt like I just should.
I got dressed up and was sort of impressed with how cute I looked (I have lost 13 pounds from weight watchers) hopped on the bus to deposit the rent check and then went to the bar. I felt stupid at first, but not as stupid as I might have in the past. Right away a girl cut in front of me at the bar (I dont think on purpose) and I didn't speak up about it. I hoped that I wasn't behaving like some sort of wimp, but I didn't let it get me down.
Next thing I went to find a place to wait for Keely to show up. I saw a seat by the ledge, I asked a big girl if someone was sitting there and she said yes. I said "okay" and sat down at a little table. She said "someone is sitting there" so I got up.
Next I stood behind everyone, but I felt like a real wallflower, an outsider. Fortunately the music started and so I went to the dancefloor. I stood with my back to the ledge and enjoyed myself as a circle formed and people started taking turns showing off their moves. There were 2 white looking guys who had some really cool pop lock moves and tons of girls who were just great, they had incredible energy, I had so much fun watching them.
Keely did show up, I saw her and approached her. She looked slim and was dressed in a cocktail dress. We hugged and then stood there, watching the heads of the dancers, since the crowd was so condensed that you couldn't see anything more. Most of what she said was "incredible" about the dancing, which I found a little weird since you couldn't see much anymore, but I just smiled.
We went to a ledge where I assumed we would giggle and catch up after at least a five year absence but it was anticlimactic. She bored the life out of me, and reminded me of the abusive roommate who smoked large quantities of weed and snarled alot when we lived together. I was so pleased to be there, the energy in the room was so great, and I was so proud of my bravery to have gone there on my own, that she couldn't get me down. And although I was disappointed that our 17 year old friendship has, I think, come to an end, at least I know I haven't been missing anything in the years that we have been seperated.
We went to the main room of the bar, which is famous and has appeared in movies in the 80's, it used to be the coolest bar in the city, the venue that all the big acts would come to. It was dead, with pop music playing, instead of the cutting edge music that used to play there.
Keely and I went to the bar to get her another beer. Some other people came to the bar after her and they got served first. She yelled at the bartender, and the guy next to us said (in a nice, not sleazy way) "I'll buy your drinks, chill out" and he bought her a beer and she didn't even thank him, she just huffed as she went away.
Then, her friends were about to leave and she was mad that she had to finish her beer so fast. I said "lets go to back to the other room" and she said "I want to sit down. I am so upset right now that I am about to snap" I smiled and sat back down. About 4 seconds later I took my last swig of beer and said "Well I am going to go now" and smiled fakely as we did the "nice to see yous." Fortunately I went back to the afterparty and watched a girl rapper finish her set. It let me end the night on a good foot.
It really was a good night. It is really okay that I was snubbed by her so badly. She REALLY hurt me when we were roommates. She was a very dear friend before we lived together, and she became very mean when we moved in. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything, and unlike when we were roommates, I now unwilling to spend time trying to win her over.
I imagine she will call me and apologize about tonight. I will forgive her of course, I love the girl, but I will be doing it from a place of strength. Unlike years ago, I am happy and relatively confident in the person I am. Whatever superiority trip she tries to pull on me wont work anymore. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent, and this time she doesn't have my consent.
It was a good night.
I missed you.
Tonight I did a big thing. I went to a bar by myself.
My friend and former roommate Keely was in town for an arts summit for "b-girls" and tonight was the afterparty. I tried to get Charles to go, and my sister Linda (who introduced me to Keely in jr. high) but neither of them did. I was going to be defeated and not go, I would even enjoy the excuse I had, that no one could come with me, but something in me felt like I just should.
I got dressed up and was sort of impressed with how cute I looked (I have lost 13 pounds from weight watchers) hopped on the bus to deposit the rent check and then went to the bar. I felt stupid at first, but not as stupid as I might have in the past. Right away a girl cut in front of me at the bar (I dont think on purpose) and I didn't speak up about it. I hoped that I wasn't behaving like some sort of wimp, but I didn't let it get me down.
Next thing I went to find a place to wait for Keely to show up. I saw a seat by the ledge, I asked a big girl if someone was sitting there and she said yes. I said "okay" and sat down at a little table. She said "someone is sitting there" so I got up.
Next I stood behind everyone, but I felt like a real wallflower, an outsider. Fortunately the music started and so I went to the dancefloor. I stood with my back to the ledge and enjoyed myself as a circle formed and people started taking turns showing off their moves. There were 2 white looking guys who had some really cool pop lock moves and tons of girls who were just great, they had incredible energy, I had so much fun watching them.
Keely did show up, I saw her and approached her. She looked slim and was dressed in a cocktail dress. We hugged and then stood there, watching the heads of the dancers, since the crowd was so condensed that you couldn't see anything more. Most of what she said was "incredible" about the dancing, which I found a little weird since you couldn't see much anymore, but I just smiled.
We went to a ledge where I assumed we would giggle and catch up after at least a five year absence but it was anticlimactic. She bored the life out of me, and reminded me of the abusive roommate who smoked large quantities of weed and snarled alot when we lived together. I was so pleased to be there, the energy in the room was so great, and I was so proud of my bravery to have gone there on my own, that she couldn't get me down. And although I was disappointed that our 17 year old friendship has, I think, come to an end, at least I know I haven't been missing anything in the years that we have been seperated.
We went to the main room of the bar, which is famous and has appeared in movies in the 80's, it used to be the coolest bar in the city, the venue that all the big acts would come to. It was dead, with pop music playing, instead of the cutting edge music that used to play there.
Keely and I went to the bar to get her another beer. Some other people came to the bar after her and they got served first. She yelled at the bartender, and the guy next to us said (in a nice, not sleazy way) "I'll buy your drinks, chill out" and he bought her a beer and she didn't even thank him, she just huffed as she went away.
Then, her friends were about to leave and she was mad that she had to finish her beer so fast. I said "lets go to back to the other room" and she said "I want to sit down. I am so upset right now that I am about to snap" I smiled and sat back down. About 4 seconds later I took my last swig of beer and said "Well I am going to go now" and smiled fakely as we did the "nice to see yous." Fortunately I went back to the afterparty and watched a girl rapper finish her set. It let me end the night on a good foot.
It really was a good night. It is really okay that I was snubbed by her so badly. She REALLY hurt me when we were roommates. She was a very dear friend before we lived together, and she became very mean when we moved in. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything, and unlike when we were roommates, I now unwilling to spend time trying to win her over.
I imagine she will call me and apologize about tonight. I will forgive her of course, I love the girl, but I will be doing it from a place of strength. Unlike years ago, I am happy and relatively confident in the person I am. Whatever superiority trip she tries to pull on me wont work anymore. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent, and this time she doesn't have my consent.
It was a good night.
I missed you.
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