I have had a lot of sex, shamelessly, but despite some definitions of "morals" I have a strong moral code, and I stick to it. But yesterday I crossed a line that I am ashamed of.
First off, I am 100% single. Mo and I agreed that it wouldnt happen right now (and I am thinking never, despite the fact that he is an awesome guy.) So I am in the clear in that department. But I...well, I will tell you the story.
Last night I was in the hot tub alone, and a handsome man walked through the pool area (in the center of the hotel.) He said the hot tub looked great since it was so cold outside, and I said "grab your swimsuit." He said he didnt have one, and had a hard time finding the hallway with his room in it. He came back through asking where his room was. When he found out where it was he invited me to dinner. I declined saying I had already eaten. He said come for coffee, I said I don't have anything to wear. He looked at the workout gear I had on the table, and I finally agreed. I walked to my room with a smile on my face, but then of course came to my senses. He was in his 30's, from India, and obviously wealthy, he was Married, no question about it.
We arrived at the restaurant and had some good soup and dessert. He had no ring on but I naturally asked the question I already knew the answer to. He told me that he was unofficially seperated. His wife lives with her mother. He described that it started it out as just arguing, but it escalated to a point that it was better that they were apart, because they were reaching a level that they were better apart. I couldn't decipher exactly what that meant, but he was showing sincerity and intensity. I was telling him about the latest time magazine that is all about love and chemistry. I gave him the best pep talk that a never married woman could give, and he said that they were trying to work it out, and they were doing better than they were.
As the restaurant was going to close he suggested driving to a Wal-Mart and getting him some swim trunks. I thought that sounded fun, but when we checked with the front desk how strict they were about the pool hours, they said they locked the doors. So it was time for plan B.
I know better than being alone with men in hotel rooms. I felt in my gut he wouldn't rape me, but that aside, being alone in private with someone of your preferred sex, is a slippery slope. We chatted and I felt very comfortable. At the restaurant I had mentioned that I had majored in Physical Therapy, and he had been hinting about needing a massage ever since. In the room I showed him how to find a massage therapist, and explained to him that "massage" is sometimes code for prostitution.
We chatted for hours, and it was pleasant and relaxing. I felt very relaxed. I cant remember the context, but he told me a story of a woman he met on his travels, who he only slept with in bed, no sex. He said it was so wonderful, just to have held and be held by someone. We continued to talk for another hour, and at that point I trusted him enough that I offered to rub his shoulders. I know better than to rub the shoulders of a man I don't intend to sleep with in a room alone. I know better than to engage in risque conversation in a room alone with a man I dont intend to sleep with (it was clinical, not flirtatious, but still...)
He (of course) proposed marriage the moment I started to rub his shoulders. He asked once or twice if he should lay down and I said no. After about 5 minutes he offered to rub my back. And dumb as I am, I said yes. He had me lay on my stomach on the bed and gave me a nice back rub. When he rubbed on my lower back he went all the way to the top of my butt crack. It felt nice, and I acted like I didn't notice, and didnt stop him.
He asked if I had ever had my legs massaged and I said I like that, because blood pools to your feet when you fly alot. He massaged my entire legs, and went very high on my thighs. Once again, I knew it was crossing a line, but I didn't say anything. I layed on my back and he lifted my individual legs, putting my foot on his hip, only inches from his penis. Once again, I didnt stop him. He massaged all the way up my thighs, including the sides of my hips. And I didn't stop him.
I was relaxed, and turned on, but still allowed my body to take over my mind. I suggested we cuddle like he had described earlier. He kissed my forehead a few times. My closed eye a few times, and my mouth a few times, and we spooned. He carressed my arms, up and down, and held my hand which was close to my face, and also to my breasts. Slowly he began tweaking my nipples gently. I could no longer pretend like I didnt notice the sexual nature of it. This was overtly sexual. But I didn't stop him. I didnt encourage him, but I didn't do a thing. I just let him.
He alternated the stimulation with caressing up and down the side of my body. Eventually he was stroking my inner thigh and hip, then it escalated to the outside of my underpants, and by this point all my mental facilities were gone. Though I didn't encourage him at all, I just laid there, hoping, and knowing he would go inside my underwear. Once he did he did some amazing things, so amazing my legs were twitching uncontrollably.
Again, by this time all blood had left my brain, so I pulled down his pants to find a georgeous, large, and hard penis, and gave him wonderful oral sex. He suggested we go to the store and buy some condoms, and I figured "we have already crossed a line, so what difference does it make?"
When we got to the store I decided to stay in the car. While in the car the blood began to seep back into my brain. I realized that if I stopped, I could at least say to myself that when I got my faculties back I did the right thing. When he got back to the car I told him how I felt. He said "you dont have to do anything you dont want to" (excellent seduction technique, pretend to be supportive)
In his room I wrote down my e-mail address and said I was going to go back to my room. He begged me to stay. I said "no, I simply dont trust myself" he said- get this- "you can trust me" and this dummy decided to fall for it. We laid down, and things progressed in pretty much the same way they did the first time. This time I didn't let him pull my legs apart like he tried to the first time, and I suggested he masturbate in the bathroom, but that was all the protesting I offered. When he asked if he could "feel me from the inside" I couldnt get the word no out of my mouth. I didn't say yes, but I didn't say no. It was fantastic. It was really, really good.
He bugged me in the morning also, which I was perturbed about, but not so perturbed that I didn't let him have sex with me again. It was a cranky morning, and I decided to get up and get some breakfast. I got there at 9:30 or 9:31, and they had the door locked, I decided to settle for the donuts they have always kept in the lobby until they run out, but they were gone. I whinely said to the desk clerk (remember, I am only 25% awake here) "you dont keep the donuts out until they run out anymore?" and he said in a kind way "they are with our continental breakfast" pointing at the locked room, and I know by the look on his face that I made a distressed face to that, because I arrived a minute after closing (you can usually grab something while they are putting things away)
Mr. Seductive had been in the hallway for all of this and offered to take me somewhere to get something. Here I am thinking he is talking about Ihop, and then he adds "like a gas station" I huffed off saying I have oatmeal in my room.
This fucker gave me back something that I have missed, the experience of good sex (how long has it been?) and the desire for sex. It was rediculously hot, the slowness and building of it, and the dirtyness of him "tricking" me got me more turned on than usual. Do I regret it?, yes and no. I now have lost my awesome record of being a decent person in the sexual department. I have cheated b efore, and I have been with a person in a relationship before, but they always had disclaimers, reasons of why they werent quite as bad as they would be ordinarily. But last night had no excuses. I am not "vulnerable," I wasnt stupid enough to be manipulated for real. I guess when he said "You can trust me" about cuddling with him the second time I was stupid enough to fall for it, but once I saw things were going back in that direction I should have stood up and went to my room. I failed. I went against my morals. I think that if he were married and not seperated I would have been stronger, but I think I am just making excuses for myself.
At least hes not my husband
(UPDATE: I have forgiven myself. They were separated, and hopefully she wont take him back. I should have known better than to hang out in his room, give him a backrub, all of that. But I still think I am a moral person)