Well this will now be day three of spending half the day thinking about Derek. I sit in awe of the power of, as monkey mentioned in comments, “pheromones.” I used to have obsessive crushes in high school, but at the time I wasn’t aware of how much of a part sexuality was involved in my feelings. Now, fully aware of how this is not the man for me, and that my feelings are not rational, but mostly coming from my clitoris, I am still thinking about him constantly. What an incredible power I am witnessing! For someone to be so consumed could be a big problem. But, if appropriately channeled, this power could be used as a tool for tremendous growth!
What I am doing wrong is fantasizing about the wrong thing! Right now I am fantasizing about the active lifestyle that we will share with our children, but what I should be fantasizing about is a professional bodybuilder taking me under his wing! It’s not so far off, he likes me! He has not only given me 4 sessions for the price of two, both of the sessions so far have been an hour and a half long! When we were finished with the first session he said he could tell I used to train. He seemed really impressed when he asked me my goals, and I said my goal was to get my passion for lifting back, not some goal like “I’d like to lose 20 pounds.” He suggested he would have given me a resistance band for Christmas if I didn’t have one. And, to top it off, he was showing me his nutrition plan (for free, again) and I said “so I’m some sort of…um…” and as I fought for the word I was looking for he said a few things and he said “protégée” as one of them (In the end the term I was looking for was guinea pig.) So it was pretty exciting him using that word, although then again, he is a bodybuilder, heaven knows he may not know what the word means.
The Mentor/Protégée fantasy is a great one, because it motivates me. I can channel my crush into trying to impress him further, so in the future he is not just complimenting me on my form and communication skills, but I can make it my goal that he calls me “disciplined” or “dedicated” or something like that. I can show up regularly, be very focused and maintain good form, not complain at all, etc. Who wins out from all of this effort to impress him? Me! In all my crushitude I have already eaten wonderfully today. I had no cheese or sauce on my turkey sandwich or chicken tacos, and I had the tacos with extra lettuce instead of chips J Also, I almost went to the gym at 7 this morning! The only way I can imagine myself doing that is if my genitals were leading the way. Derek obviously is eager and willing to share his experience, how fortunate am I, as a former weight lifting enthusiast, to be the recipient of his attention!
The only things that I have to keep in mind are one, I should not let on my little crush. He is too in love with himself as it is, we don’t need to encourage him. And two, I must not, under any circumstances, ever sleep with him. I think because I am enjoying the attention so much I am overlooking the fact that he is probably a little skeevy. We cant forget the stretching incident, and the guy will not stop touching me! The funniest time was when he was telling me how it is weird being touched all the time, and he said something like “I have no desire to just grab a guys bicep like this” and he grabs my upper arm! I suppose just because I like it, doesn’t mean it isn’t sexual harassment.
So that’s my plan. I am going to maintain a very professional admiration for his accomplishments, and not let on that his ridiculous posturing is having any effect on me. I will only allow myself to daydream about him training me and being impressed with me, no sex-scenes allowed in my head or in real life. As long as I don’t sleep with him, let on my stupid crush, or buy any more sessions I will have milked this crush for all it’s worth, while still keeping my dignity intact.
UPDATE-- after 3 days of imagining him with his clothes off I googled his name and found pictures. It's not hot, its weird. And besides, what could be less sexy than someone who took steroids? Balding, big boobs, shrunken testicles, impotence and sterility. PRRRRR
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Embarrassing Crush
OH MY GOD! I am so pissed off. I am developing a crush on my dork of a trainer.
Not only is it cliche, and really embarrassing (He told me today he used to be a Chippendale's dancer! I laughed for at least a minute) but it is such a stupid thing to allow happen. I have met this kind of man before. He is addicted to attention. He is doing everything in his power to make me interested in him, to feed his ego, because he needs every woman to love him, and every man to want to be him. Bodybuilders are usually narcissistic by nature, so much so that they will poision their bodies with steroids to achieve an unnatural ideal. Has a lot in common with anorexia doesn't it? I am sure a big plus in getting your client attracted to you is it sells more sessions.
And to make it worse, I don't think anything he does is calculated, I think he is just caught up in self-love and doesn't realize he is doing it, so he doesn't have that "asshole" thing to make him less appealing. I know exactly what is going on because again, I have met (and fell in love with) people like him before, and...I used to be like him. I used to love to flirt like crazy with guys, because I got off on the attention, but when they asked me out I would say "I'm sorry, I'm not interested" and then whine about not being able to flirt without people liking me.
Oh, and can we forget the "save the wounded puppy dog" appeal? Naturally I feel sad for him, that he has this need for attention, and doesn't have that centeredness so he always needs external praise to fill himself up. So what is my reaction? I can be the one to save him!!! ROTFLMAO! I am HUMILIATED by how cliche, and stupid my feelings are...I am smarter than this!!!
I admit it, I am "pseudo-star" struck and attracted, while not visually, but somehow chemically to his over-developed body. And, like I feel when the pilots flirt, I am eating up the attention, and he is laying it on pretty thick (although the attention he is offering me is pretty much "you know why else you should be in love with me?...")
My newly inspired excitement is making me miss Charles. He is so grounded and down to earth in comparison to Derek. He's so normal. I wish I was physically drawn to Charles the way I am to Derek. It would help if he was more aggressive and confident. But I can't be idealizing Charles either, I have to remember that he hasn't written me much while he was gone, our relationship as it is could not sustain me forever, and considering how much the sexual attraction is making me think about Derek, I will know that cheating on Charles would be too tempting in the future.
I am nothing but a rediculous cliche
Not only is it cliche, and really embarrassing (He told me today he used to be a Chippendale's dancer! I laughed for at least a minute) but it is such a stupid thing to allow happen. I have met this kind of man before. He is addicted to attention. He is doing everything in his power to make me interested in him, to feed his ego, because he needs every woman to love him, and every man to want to be him. Bodybuilders are usually narcissistic by nature, so much so that they will poision their bodies with steroids to achieve an unnatural ideal. Has a lot in common with anorexia doesn't it? I am sure a big plus in getting your client attracted to you is it sells more sessions.
And to make it worse, I don't think anything he does is calculated, I think he is just caught up in self-love and doesn't realize he is doing it, so he doesn't have that "asshole" thing to make him less appealing. I know exactly what is going on because again, I have met (and fell in love with) people like him before, and...I used to be like him. I used to love to flirt like crazy with guys, because I got off on the attention, but when they asked me out I would say "I'm sorry, I'm not interested" and then whine about not being able to flirt without people liking me.
Oh, and can we forget the "save the wounded puppy dog" appeal? Naturally I feel sad for him, that he has this need for attention, and doesn't have that centeredness so he always needs external praise to fill himself up. So what is my reaction? I can be the one to save him!!! ROTFLMAO! I am HUMILIATED by how cliche, and stupid my feelings are...I am smarter than this!!!
I admit it, I am "pseudo-star" struck and attracted, while not visually, but somehow chemically to his over-developed body. And, like I feel when the pilots flirt, I am eating up the attention, and he is laying it on pretty thick (although the attention he is offering me is pretty much "you know why else you should be in love with me?...")
My newly inspired excitement is making me miss Charles. He is so grounded and down to earth in comparison to Derek. He's so normal. I wish I was physically drawn to Charles the way I am to Derek. It would help if he was more aggressive and confident. But I can't be idealizing Charles either, I have to remember that he hasn't written me much while he was gone, our relationship as it is could not sustain me forever, and considering how much the sexual attraction is making me think about Derek, I will know that cheating on Charles would be too tempting in the future.
I am nothing but a rediculous cliche
I am in heaven, and it is sweet!
It was my best blog buddy Rich's birthday last week, and all I got him was a Christmas card, didn't send him a present, a card, nothing. Totally forgot it. He may be my best blog buddy, but I am a shitty blog buddy to him. So what do I find in my kitchen when I arrive home from working out? A box.
I open the box and read the card, it's from Rich and his life partner Monica. I get my hopes up because Rich and I had recently discussed things in boxes, but instead of that I found these pastries!!! Okay, there were more pastries, twice as many, in fact, but those are out of the picture frame, 3/4ths eaten already.
The pastries came from Uniquely Yours Pastry Shoppe. I have admired the beauty of Jin's pastries on her blog, but the way they look is NOTHING compared to the way they taste!!! My favorite was the cappucino brownie, no, the mint brownie, no, the sugar cookie, no, the raspberry brownie, well, you get the idea.
If anyone has any ideas on how I can thank these two, especially the birthday boy, please share them with me. I am so blissfully happy right now, with a bellyache from all the sugar, but even more so the sweetness of my friend.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Today a man put my leg on his shoulder and spread my legs apart with his hands
I just joined a new Gym. They ran a special where I can be a member for 18 months for only 19 dollars a month. I even got a free training session!
I went to the session today and met Derek. He is or was a professional body builder. He showed me a book of his, and on his business card is the STUPIDEST picture of him with way too big muscles and a, get this...CHAINMAIL shirt HA HA AH AH
But I don't want to laugh at him. He was a very nice person, despite his weird body. I am glad that he was assigned to me, and I expect I will develop a healthy little crush- good for motivation.
First thing we chatted, and then it was time to stretch. He had me lay down on the mat, and then next thing I knew he was kneeling on one of my legs and stretching my other leg over my head! I wasn't uncomfortable or skeeved out, maybe I should have been, because next thing he's doing is pushing my bent top leg into my chest! You'd think that would have been it, but next thing he is holding one of my legs above my knee, while one leg was bent, and pushing them apart! He also told me that in the stretching department, this was "wading in the water" oh my!
He talked me into buying two sessions (for which he will give me 4 sessions.) this was fine with me because it was something I did want. I thought this first session would be a full orientation, so I would have been mad if I didn't have the money, or if I didn't want the sessions, but since I did, I am secretly glad he was a little pushy, because it feels really good to do something for myself.
The session went really well. I walked out of the place with wobbly legs. He told me he could tell that I used to train, and that I was good at communicating :) I felt very motivated, and also respected, which is a rare feeling with trainers. I sort of feel hopeful, if he stays as motivating through all of the sessions, and if the Gym stays as comfortable feeling as it has so far, this may become a home away from home the way the gym used to feel for me.
The possibility of me getting back into weight training is very good in two ways. One, very obviously, it will help me deal with stress, fighting my anxiety and depression. But two, it is a good sign. If I am getting back into weight training I am getting back into something that was once important to me, that is a sign of lifted depression!
I swear the reason I am excited is NOT because he got on top of me and spread my legs apart!
I went to the session today and met Derek. He is or was a professional body builder. He showed me a book of his, and on his business card is the STUPIDEST picture of him with way too big muscles and a, get this...CHAINMAIL shirt HA HA AH AH
But I don't want to laugh at him. He was a very nice person, despite his weird body. I am glad that he was assigned to me, and I expect I will develop a healthy little crush- good for motivation.
First thing we chatted, and then it was time to stretch. He had me lay down on the mat, and then next thing I knew he was kneeling on one of my legs and stretching my other leg over my head! I wasn't uncomfortable or skeeved out, maybe I should have been, because next thing he's doing is pushing my bent top leg into my chest! You'd think that would have been it, but next thing he is holding one of my legs above my knee, while one leg was bent, and pushing them apart! He also told me that in the stretching department, this was "wading in the water" oh my!
He talked me into buying two sessions (for which he will give me 4 sessions.) this was fine with me because it was something I did want. I thought this first session would be a full orientation, so I would have been mad if I didn't have the money, or if I didn't want the sessions, but since I did, I am secretly glad he was a little pushy, because it feels really good to do something for myself.
The session went really well. I walked out of the place with wobbly legs. He told me he could tell that I used to train, and that I was good at communicating :) I felt very motivated, and also respected, which is a rare feeling with trainers. I sort of feel hopeful, if he stays as motivating through all of the sessions, and if the Gym stays as comfortable feeling as it has so far, this may become a home away from home the way the gym used to feel for me.
The possibility of me getting back into weight training is very good in two ways. One, very obviously, it will help me deal with stress, fighting my anxiety and depression. But two, it is a good sign. If I am getting back into weight training I am getting back into something that was once important to me, that is a sign of lifted depression!
I swear the reason I am excited is NOT because he got on top of me and spread my legs apart!
Sunday, December 17, 2006
I see how people become alcoholics
I had 2 and a half beers.
I feel great.
I feel on top of the world.
I feel like I could hold out for a better love match, and get it.
I feel like I could get a better job.
I feel like I could get in shape.
I feel special.
I feel...like I should be careful.
I feel great.
I feel on top of the world.
I feel like I could hold out for a better love match, and get it.
I feel like I could get a better job.
I feel like I could get in shape.
I feel special.
I feel...like I should be careful.
"Diana, why are you wasting your life here?"
Tonight, while listening to a waitress talk about her forthcoming ATC (air traffic control) career, I thought to myself, "You know, if I don't work in the airlines, I think I might just die." Yes, die. I can't put it into words how much airplanes are in my blood. I write this from a hotel in Bangor, Maine. I can't tell you how much this life does for me.
We have a long layover so we had time for some beers, the first officer, with a few in him, said "I have been meaning to ask you this, but I don't want to hurt your feelings, why the hell are you wasting your life away here?"
He's so right. This is the second worst airline in the United States. I was going to keep my identity private, but now you all know who I work for, the second worst airline in the United States. But in my mind I have it so good. I have GREAT senority, I know the job well, so I hardly have to think, the only things I don't like about it is I make NO money, and my flight benefits are dumb.
He's not the first person to tell me this, he is at least the fourth, and thats only the people I can think of right now. One was the first officer I flew with last trip, he was a big part of me examining my relationship with Charles. I thought about him for days after we flew together, I thought the amount I was thinking about him was not appropriate for a woman with a boyfriend, which made me start thinking about the nature of our relationship.
He took a liking to me right away. He was handsome, with grey hair, and very professional and distinguished. I enjoyed his company. One night we had a long layover and the captian decided not to come down with us for drinks at the hotel bar, so it was just him and I. It was basically like a date, but he knew I have a boyfriend.
We talked about life philosophies, our careers, and all of that kind of stuff. During the conversation he said something that really pissed me off. He said...shit, what did he say? He said something like "Don't let yourself get used" which I took as "You work for Wal-Mart airlines, your being used you big sucker." I felt offended, I felt like he was talking down to me beacuse I am younger, seeing me as naive. But what he was saying wasn't much different from what the F/O tonight said. I am obviously better than this job. 4+ people have said this to me, perhaps I should take it in.
Maybe what I should be doing is putting this extra energy into my career, instead of into my boyfriend. I think about how much I am depending on him for my future right now. It's true, I want to be a stay-at-home parent, but with the relationship I have that would be a boring life. But if my life is exciting now, sleeping in hotels all over the United States, how cool would it be seeing the world?
But there is always the depression to factor in, I am doing well now, but if I slip back, my airline is a soft cushion to fall into. The expectations are low, I make 20K a year, they can't expect too much. If I am depressed and disheveled and feeling tortured as I do my beverage service, no one will do anything about it. No one did when I started, woah was I bad off, so no one would if I "relapsed."
But maybe thats not a good thing. If the bar is higher, I am forced to meet that bar. Maybe I will be depressed, but I will be forced to be pulled together and depressed. Maybe the higher bar would keep me from getting that deeply depressed. And why would I get that depressed again anyways? I am in my element in the airlines. This isn't college all over again, it's a world I feel very at home in. God, can I say, again, how much I love my life flying?
So I think I really need to re-examine my life plan. I think my expectations of myself might have been lower than neccessary. OH MY GOD I am so glad I have a therapist! This is where I need to take this, because I have NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK I SHOULD BE CHOOSING in my life right now! But you wanna know what, right now, I feel like I should be breaking up with Charles, and applying for a new airline.
But I am drunk.
We have a long layover so we had time for some beers, the first officer, with a few in him, said "I have been meaning to ask you this, but I don't want to hurt your feelings, why the hell are you wasting your life away here?"
He's so right. This is the second worst airline in the United States. I was going to keep my identity private, but now you all know who I work for, the second worst airline in the United States. But in my mind I have it so good. I have GREAT senority, I know the job well, so I hardly have to think, the only things I don't like about it is I make NO money, and my flight benefits are dumb.
He's not the first person to tell me this, he is at least the fourth, and thats only the people I can think of right now. One was the first officer I flew with last trip, he was a big part of me examining my relationship with Charles. I thought about him for days after we flew together, I thought the amount I was thinking about him was not appropriate for a woman with a boyfriend, which made me start thinking about the nature of our relationship.
He took a liking to me right away. He was handsome, with grey hair, and very professional and distinguished. I enjoyed his company. One night we had a long layover and the captian decided not to come down with us for drinks at the hotel bar, so it was just him and I. It was basically like a date, but he knew I have a boyfriend.
We talked about life philosophies, our careers, and all of that kind of stuff. During the conversation he said something that really pissed me off. He said...shit, what did he say? He said something like "Don't let yourself get used" which I took as "You work for Wal-Mart airlines, your being used you big sucker." I felt offended, I felt like he was talking down to me beacuse I am younger, seeing me as naive. But what he was saying wasn't much different from what the F/O tonight said. I am obviously better than this job. 4+ people have said this to me, perhaps I should take it in.
Maybe what I should be doing is putting this extra energy into my career, instead of into my boyfriend. I think about how much I am depending on him for my future right now. It's true, I want to be a stay-at-home parent, but with the relationship I have that would be a boring life. But if my life is exciting now, sleeping in hotels all over the United States, how cool would it be seeing the world?
But there is always the depression to factor in, I am doing well now, but if I slip back, my airline is a soft cushion to fall into. The expectations are low, I make 20K a year, they can't expect too much. If I am depressed and disheveled and feeling tortured as I do my beverage service, no one will do anything about it. No one did when I started, woah was I bad off, so no one would if I "relapsed."
But maybe thats not a good thing. If the bar is higher, I am forced to meet that bar. Maybe I will be depressed, but I will be forced to be pulled together and depressed. Maybe the higher bar would keep me from getting that deeply depressed. And why would I get that depressed again anyways? I am in my element in the airlines. This isn't college all over again, it's a world I feel very at home in. God, can I say, again, how much I love my life flying?
So I think I really need to re-examine my life plan. I think my expectations of myself might have been lower than neccessary. OH MY GOD I am so glad I have a therapist! This is where I need to take this, because I have NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK I SHOULD BE CHOOSING in my life right now! But you wanna know what, right now, I feel like I should be breaking up with Charles, and applying for a new airline.
But I am drunk.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Weakness
After a few days of feeling sad and emotional about Charles I am feeling weak, like I don't want to go through with the break up. Yes, it has gotten that far, I want to break up. I have been put off when I am obviously upset, that should be a red flag enough.
The blow off aside, heres why I think we should break up:
If I am with Charles I give up any chances of having money. I want to stay at home when I raise kids. That, mixed with the large family in Kenya he will need to support means I will always be working hard to make ends meet. I was willing to give up the possibility of having money to be with Charles, the man I love.
If I am with Charles I will probably have to move. He will be a professor, so it is unlikely he can choose what city to live in without comprimising the quality of the position. I was willing to move, and leave my family and friends to be with Charles, the man I love.
If I am with Charles I give up the chance for a hot sex life. Charles and I cross wires when it comes to sex. Sex between the two of us is "fine." I was willing to give up a hot sex life to be with Charles, the man I love.
So why would I give up financial comfort, my home, and great sex? Love. I just love him to death. I knew that I would rather be with him than be without him. But now, now there is no longer the love. Yes, a sweet "I love you" every week or so, but besides that I have seen no evidence that I am important to him. The fact that I had written two very upset e-mails, and all I have gotten from him (in 3 days) is a letter saying "I can't address your frustration for awhile" says, again, where I fit in his priority list. So what am I in the relationship for? There is nothing for me in it. Why would I sacrifice money, my city, and great sex if there isn't something to balance it out?
So if breaking up is what I want to do, then I have to be strong, and to stick to my guns. Hell, if I want to stay together with him I have to be strong and to stick to my guns, because I will have to convince him to change his behavior to be what I need. What I am fearful will happen is neither one. I am afraid he will say "I missed you so much. I was under so much stress. Please understand" and that I will just tune out my feelings so I can get the affection back that I miss so much. This is my worst pattern with guys, I am so insecure that my moments of solidity and confidence are fleeting, and I can slip into "forgiving" them when I don't, because it takes too much effort.
What worries me most about this situation is I don't know if I SHOULD stick to my guns. Maybe I should fight for the relationship. Beats the fuck out of me. If we are going to break up, this would be the best time to do it, because it would have the least impact since we have been apart for so long. I hate this, and I hate him for putting me in this situation.
The blow off aside, heres why I think we should break up:
If I am with Charles I give up any chances of having money. I want to stay at home when I raise kids. That, mixed with the large family in Kenya he will need to support means I will always be working hard to make ends meet. I was willing to give up the possibility of having money to be with Charles, the man I love.
If I am with Charles I will probably have to move. He will be a professor, so it is unlikely he can choose what city to live in without comprimising the quality of the position. I was willing to move, and leave my family and friends to be with Charles, the man I love.
If I am with Charles I give up the chance for a hot sex life. Charles and I cross wires when it comes to sex. Sex between the two of us is "fine." I was willing to give up a hot sex life to be with Charles, the man I love.
So why would I give up financial comfort, my home, and great sex? Love. I just love him to death. I knew that I would rather be with him than be without him. But now, now there is no longer the love. Yes, a sweet "I love you" every week or so, but besides that I have seen no evidence that I am important to him. The fact that I had written two very upset e-mails, and all I have gotten from him (in 3 days) is a letter saying "I can't address your frustration for awhile" says, again, where I fit in his priority list. So what am I in the relationship for? There is nothing for me in it. Why would I sacrifice money, my city, and great sex if there isn't something to balance it out?
So if breaking up is what I want to do, then I have to be strong, and to stick to my guns. Hell, if I want to stay together with him I have to be strong and to stick to my guns, because I will have to convince him to change his behavior to be what I need. What I am fearful will happen is neither one. I am afraid he will say "I missed you so much. I was under so much stress. Please understand" and that I will just tune out my feelings so I can get the affection back that I miss so much. This is my worst pattern with guys, I am so insecure that my moments of solidity and confidence are fleeting, and I can slip into "forgiving" them when I don't, because it takes too much effort.
What worries me most about this situation is I don't know if I SHOULD stick to my guns. Maybe I should fight for the relationship. Beats the fuck out of me. If we are going to break up, this would be the best time to do it, because it would have the least impact since we have been apart for so long. I hate this, and I hate him for putting me in this situation.
Man of my dreams
Last night I dreamt that a blog friend from Australia came to visit me by surprise. I was so happy to meet him and was charmed by what a gentleman he was. Him and I were sitting at a restaurant, next to each other, and for some reason we had these strangers sitting across from us, (they do this in Europe, if you are alone you sit at a table with a stranger.) Well the guys across the table kept stealing my shoes, I am not sue why I had enough shoes for them to continually steal them, but I did. It turned out that they were shoe fetishists, which totally grossed me out, because I was an unwilling participant. More on those guys later.
At one point I was watching a videotape and my mom showed up on it. She died when I was nine, so I was so happy to have this tape, because I can’t remember what her voice sounded like. I got to listen to her talk for about 30 seconds, and then I realized I had taped Dr. Phil over the end of it. I was really angry at myself for just grabbing any tape instead of checking before taping.
Fast Forward and I realized I was having a conversation with my mom. It was a friendly, easy going conversation, like one you would have while visiting with a favorite aunt. Her hair was cut shorter than it was when she died, their must be salons in heaven. At the end of the conversation we got up and hugged her and told her how exciting this was that I got to talk to her. She asked why and I said “well you do know you are dead, don’t you?” It was as if she didn’t know, and now that she knew she said “I can’t see you as well, your fading away” I kept talking to her, trying to keep her with me, but I still faded in and out.
Somehow the shoe fetishists came back in the picture and Rich and I were on a mission to subdue them. We backed them into a bathroom and I, again, for some reason, had a lot of shoes. I grabbed some really sexy black stilettos to try to allure them and then I stabbed one of them with the heel in the stomach. Rich turned to me and said “What do you think?” I said “about what?” and he moved his hand and he had been stabbed in the stomach with a stiletto too!
I remember screaming “NOOOOOOOOOO” and then he was laying in a subway station, and I was standing over him, cleaning the wound and wrapping it in gauze. I was so sure that he was going to die, and I was so upset that when I finally learned what a nice person he was, that he would die right then. But then he was like, “Geez, it’s not that big of a deal, quit being so dramatic” and when I looked at it again it was just a little scratch.
At one point I was watching a videotape and my mom showed up on it. She died when I was nine, so I was so happy to have this tape, because I can’t remember what her voice sounded like. I got to listen to her talk for about 30 seconds, and then I realized I had taped Dr. Phil over the end of it. I was really angry at myself for just grabbing any tape instead of checking before taping.
Fast Forward and I realized I was having a conversation with my mom. It was a friendly, easy going conversation, like one you would have while visiting with a favorite aunt. Her hair was cut shorter than it was when she died, their must be salons in heaven. At the end of the conversation we got up and hugged her and told her how exciting this was that I got to talk to her. She asked why and I said “well you do know you are dead, don’t you?” It was as if she didn’t know, and now that she knew she said “I can’t see you as well, your fading away” I kept talking to her, trying to keep her with me, but I still faded in and out.
Somehow the shoe fetishists came back in the picture and Rich and I were on a mission to subdue them. We backed them into a bathroom and I, again, for some reason, had a lot of shoes. I grabbed some really sexy black stilettos to try to allure them and then I stabbed one of them with the heel in the stomach. Rich turned to me and said “What do you think?” I said “about what?” and he moved his hand and he had been stabbed in the stomach with a stiletto too!
I remember screaming “NOOOOOOOOOO” and then he was laying in a subway station, and I was standing over him, cleaning the wound and wrapping it in gauze. I was so sure that he was going to die, and I was so upset that when I finally learned what a nice person he was, that he would die right then. But then he was like, “Geez, it’s not that big of a deal, quit being so dramatic” and when I looked at it again it was just a little scratch.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Cue 70's porn music
Okay, three HOT AS HELL young fire marshalls just knocked on my door, they are going to come and "inspect my unit." They were even a little awkward, geez, I guess I am a little hotter than I thought.
Please PLEASE Diana...do not say anything remotely pornographic, and wait until they leave before letting those images go through your head!!!
PS, I asked them to come back in a few minutes so I could tidy my bedroom. Glad I did, my vibrator was plugged in, sitting on my bed! Now THAT could be a great movie starter. "Maam, we have to test this to make sure it is fire-safe."
Please PLEASE Diana...do not say anything remotely pornographic, and wait until they leave before letting those images go through your head!!!
PS, I asked them to come back in a few minutes so I could tidy my bedroom. Glad I did, my vibrator was plugged in, sitting on my bed! Now THAT could be a great movie starter. "Maam, we have to test this to make sure it is fire-safe."
DON'T cave...be strong Diana
Dear Diana:
I would like to read your emails in full before I respond but I have to go right now. I have noticed that you are getting frustrateted and stuff; butI have also had a very difficult past week. Infact I am in Kisii right now and hor the past week, away from email because I had to come see my sick mom and take her to a doctor, take her back home and observe her for a couple of days. I now have to run to Nairobi in order to do an interview I scheduled. I will thereafter sit down read your emails and respond accordingly.I hope that you will be able to bear with me. Still loving you...
I would like to read your emails in full before I respond but I have to go right now. I have noticed that you are getting frustrateted and stuff; butI have also had a very difficult past week. Infact I am in Kisii right now and hor the past week, away from email because I had to come see my sick mom and take her to a doctor, take her back home and observe her for a couple of days. I now have to run to Nairobi in order to do an interview I scheduled. I will thereafter sit down read your emails and respond accordingly.I hope that you will be able to bear with me. Still loving you...
A lot of work to do on myself
A half hour after sending that e-mail to Charles I feel GUILTY. Guilty for asserting my needs. If just asserting my needs makes me feel guilty I have a LOT of work to do.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
sent
Dear Charles,
I am growing more and more upset by the minute. I have expressed to you how I felt, but it seemed you thought my frustration was about simply missing you, and having you gone. Maybe to fool myself I let myself go along with that way of seeing it, that I was “getting tired of the circumstances” but it is not the circumstances that I am upset about, it is your investment in our relationship, and possibly the nature of our relationship altogether.
My roommate has a boyfriend in Morocco. They Skype once a week and e-mail a few times a week. She has a very difficult time missing him too, but they are a part of each other’s lives. I have had long distance relationships before. The difference between them and what we have is they were actually relationships. What we have right now is not a relationship. It is “I love you” and “I miss you” over the phone once every week or two.
I know that one thing that you love about me is that I am sweet, and want to make you happy. But to think that I would accept you leaving for 5 months without any communication of substance is absurd, absolutely absurd.
At first I was almost excited about your trip. You were going to travel to a beautiful, exciting country, doing meaningful research and I, as your girlfriend, got to be in your “inner circle.” I would get to see photographs of beautiful landscape in the different villages, I would get to read stories, good and bad, about the people you met on your journeys, and I would able to be a source of support when you were feeling stressed. When my friends and family asked how you were doing I could brag about the work you were doing, and you and I would grow closer from the distance “absence makes the heart grow fonder” they say.
Instead I have felt like a nobody. I have felt like the stupid girl you have hanging on a string that is there to cheer you up when you have a chance to call, but cannot call you or have any way of getting a hold of you. Now when people ask about you, instead of feeling proud I feel embarrassed. I feel like a person who lets herself be ignored by someone who supposedly “loves“ her, but keeps on going back for more.
Every day that I don’t have any communication with you is another day I grow apart from you. I have gone through stages, and I am afraid my feelings are fading. I have lost my enthusiasm for the relationship because the only thing the relationship consists of is being alone, and 5 minutes of “I miss you a lot” is nothing.
I really feel at the end of my rope. Again, I think we should stay together until you get home, but when you do get home we are going to have to start over from the beginning and really analyze if we are meant to be a couple, or if we are meant to be friends. We have a lot of challenges. One, getting rid of the condoms did not fix our problems in bed. Two, maybe the United States isn’t where you want to live, and maybe I don’t want to leave the United States. Three, I don’t believe in spanking children, you do, that would be a big conflict in the future. But the most important of these reasons is number four: you don’t turn to me when you are under stress. You don’t turn to me or share with me at all. What is the point of a relationship if you don’t turn to your partner or share with them? We have a lot to examine.
Diana
I am growing more and more upset by the minute. I have expressed to you how I felt, but it seemed you thought my frustration was about simply missing you, and having you gone. Maybe to fool myself I let myself go along with that way of seeing it, that I was “getting tired of the circumstances” but it is not the circumstances that I am upset about, it is your investment in our relationship, and possibly the nature of our relationship altogether.
My roommate has a boyfriend in Morocco. They Skype once a week and e-mail a few times a week. She has a very difficult time missing him too, but they are a part of each other’s lives. I have had long distance relationships before. The difference between them and what we have is they were actually relationships. What we have right now is not a relationship. It is “I love you” and “I miss you” over the phone once every week or two.
I know that one thing that you love about me is that I am sweet, and want to make you happy. But to think that I would accept you leaving for 5 months without any communication of substance is absurd, absolutely absurd.
At first I was almost excited about your trip. You were going to travel to a beautiful, exciting country, doing meaningful research and I, as your girlfriend, got to be in your “inner circle.” I would get to see photographs of beautiful landscape in the different villages, I would get to read stories, good and bad, about the people you met on your journeys, and I would able to be a source of support when you were feeling stressed. When my friends and family asked how you were doing I could brag about the work you were doing, and you and I would grow closer from the distance “absence makes the heart grow fonder” they say.
Instead I have felt like a nobody. I have felt like the stupid girl you have hanging on a string that is there to cheer you up when you have a chance to call, but cannot call you or have any way of getting a hold of you. Now when people ask about you, instead of feeling proud I feel embarrassed. I feel like a person who lets herself be ignored by someone who supposedly “loves“ her, but keeps on going back for more.
Every day that I don’t have any communication with you is another day I grow apart from you. I have gone through stages, and I am afraid my feelings are fading. I have lost my enthusiasm for the relationship because the only thing the relationship consists of is being alone, and 5 minutes of “I miss you a lot” is nothing.
I really feel at the end of my rope. Again, I think we should stay together until you get home, but when you do get home we are going to have to start over from the beginning and really analyze if we are meant to be a couple, or if we are meant to be friends. We have a lot of challenges. One, getting rid of the condoms did not fix our problems in bed. Two, maybe the United States isn’t where you want to live, and maybe I don’t want to leave the United States. Three, I don’t believe in spanking children, you do, that would be a big conflict in the future. But the most important of these reasons is number four: you don’t turn to me when you are under stress. You don’t turn to me or share with me at all. What is the point of a relationship if you don’t turn to your partner or share with them? We have a lot to examine.
Diana
I didn't send this one- I am contemplating changing it a bit and sending it.
Dear Charles,
I am growing more and more upset by the minute. I have expressed to you how I felt, but it seemed you thought my frustration was about simply missing you, and having you gone. Maybe to fool myself I let myself go along with that way of seeing it, that I was “getting tired of the circumstances” but it is not the circumstances that I am upset about, it is your investment in our relationship, and possibly the nature of our relationship altogether.
My roommate has a boyfriend in Morocco. They Skype once a week and e-mail a few times a week. She has a very difficult time missing him too, but they are a part of each other’s lives. I have had long distnce relationships before. The difference between them and what we have is they were actually relationships. What we have right now is not a relationship. It is “I love you” and “I miss you” over the phone once every week or two.
I know that one thing that you love about me is that I am sweet, and want to make you happy. But to think that I would accept you leaving for 5 months without any communication of substance is absurd, absolutely absurd.
At first I was almost excited about your trip. You were going to travel to a beautiful, exciting country, doing meaningful research and I, as your girlfriend, got to be in your “inner circle.” I would get to see photographs of beautiful landscape in the different villages, I would get to read stories, good and bad, about the people you met on your journeys, and I would able to be a source of support when you were feeling stressed. When my friends and family asked how you were doing I could brag about the work you were doing, and you and I would grow closer from the distance “absence makes the heart grow fonder” they say.
Instead I have felt like a nobody. I have felt like the stupid girl you have hanging on a string that is there to cheer you up when you have a chance to call, but cannot call you or have any way of getting a hold of you. Now when people ask about you, instead of feeling proud I feel embarrassed. I feel like a person who lets herself be ignored by someone who supposedly “loves“ her, but keeps on going back for more.
Every day that I don’t have any communication with you is another day I grow apart from you. I have gone through stages, and I am afraid my feelings are fading. I have lost all enthusiasm for the relationship because I am receiving no rewards from the relationship, the only thing the relationship consists of is being alone, and 5 minutes of “I love yous” every week or so.
Having my feelings fade to this point is giving me some objectivity I wish I didn’t have. I am beginning to question the substance of our relationship. Is it possible that our relationship is actually only infatuation? That we are two people, who need affection, and who found an appealing person to give and receive that affection with, but that that is the extent that our relationship is?
++++++++++And then it was time for the plane to land++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I am growing more and more upset by the minute. I have expressed to you how I felt, but it seemed you thought my frustration was about simply missing you, and having you gone. Maybe to fool myself I let myself go along with that way of seeing it, that I was “getting tired of the circumstances” but it is not the circumstances that I am upset about, it is your investment in our relationship, and possibly the nature of our relationship altogether.
My roommate has a boyfriend in Morocco. They Skype once a week and e-mail a few times a week. She has a very difficult time missing him too, but they are a part of each other’s lives. I have had long distnce relationships before. The difference between them and what we have is they were actually relationships. What we have right now is not a relationship. It is “I love you” and “I miss you” over the phone once every week or two.
I know that one thing that you love about me is that I am sweet, and want to make you happy. But to think that I would accept you leaving for 5 months without any communication of substance is absurd, absolutely absurd.
At first I was almost excited about your trip. You were going to travel to a beautiful, exciting country, doing meaningful research and I, as your girlfriend, got to be in your “inner circle.” I would get to see photographs of beautiful landscape in the different villages, I would get to read stories, good and bad, about the people you met on your journeys, and I would able to be a source of support when you were feeling stressed. When my friends and family asked how you were doing I could brag about the work you were doing, and you and I would grow closer from the distance “absence makes the heart grow fonder” they say.
Instead I have felt like a nobody. I have felt like the stupid girl you have hanging on a string that is there to cheer you up when you have a chance to call, but cannot call you or have any way of getting a hold of you. Now when people ask about you, instead of feeling proud I feel embarrassed. I feel like a person who lets herself be ignored by someone who supposedly “loves“ her, but keeps on going back for more.
Every day that I don’t have any communication with you is another day I grow apart from you. I have gone through stages, and I am afraid my feelings are fading. I have lost all enthusiasm for the relationship because I am receiving no rewards from the relationship, the only thing the relationship consists of is being alone, and 5 minutes of “I love yous” every week or so.
Having my feelings fade to this point is giving me some objectivity I wish I didn’t have. I am beginning to question the substance of our relationship. Is it possible that our relationship is actually only infatuation? That we are two people, who need affection, and who found an appealing person to give and receive that affection with, but that that is the extent that our relationship is?
++++++++++And then it was time for the plane to land++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Monday, December 11, 2006
I am ready to break up
When someone is addicted to alcohol or drugs, their personality changes, they will manipulate the people who love them to defend their habit, they will love their habit more than they love the people in their lives, and they will be absent from the people who love them, sometimes physically, but even if they are physically there, if they are drunk or high they still aren't "there." The death of my mom and having my alcoholic dad as the only one there to raise me made my own mental stability very fragile. Fortunately at the time I was able to build emotional defenses to survive.
Unfortunately those defenses are still there. I have been able to wear them away over time, with the help of medication and therapy, but some still remain. Although I have gotten better, it takes a long time for me to trust someone, and once I feel I have been wronged, those defenses snap right back into place, and once this has happened they may never come down again.
Right now that is how I feel about Charles. I am just ready to break up with him. I feel like our whole relationship is a fucking joke. I have spent 3 months just missing him, and wishing I would hear from him more, but it took until now to realize just how little he has communicated! He has sent me NO pictures. He has e-mailed me NO stories of things that have happened. He has told me next to nothing about his research, and he actually LOST the pictures that I e-mailed him! And it's not like I can get in touch with him! His phone doesn't have voicemail, and it is nearly never on. I sent him the e-mail from 2 posts ago, and while I received a phone call from him, he obviously hasn't read it yet, because he said the same old shit "I love you BAY-BEEE," words that once sounded like music to me, but now sound like a reminder of what an empty shell my relationship is right now.
And it's not like I haven't told him how I feel. I have told him so many times that I need more communication from him and all I get is "I miss you so much" and "I love you." Which fill me up at the time, but it has taken me until now to realize his actions don't match his words. If he missed me as much as he says, he would write to me at least as often as I wrote him.
I know that the man is prone to stress. He has the weight of his whole family's economic survivial on his shoulders. He is doing the research for a PhD on very little money, and he has lived in a "Foriegn" country for 4 years (and the U.S. is no walk in the park when you come from somewhere with a different lifestyle.) But he claims that after he talks to me he is always in a better mood, so why not talk to me on a regular basis? When he first left I wrote him long e-mails, but not hearing anything back hurt, so I didn't want to keep sending them.
One of two things may be happening here. One may be completely cultural. All countries have different definitions of what a good "relationship" is, and I know so little about his culture that I could not tell you if this is acceptable or not. But in my culture it is not acceptable, so there needs to be a happy medium. I have tolerated cultural traditions of his, so he will have to tolerate mine.
Two, our relationship might be not enough for the long term. We might be two lonely people, me because of my childhood, him because he is so far from home, who relish the feeling of being loved by someone we find appealing. Him, I find appealing because of his accomplishments, intelligence, and that he is so down-to-earth. (I think) he finds me appealing because of my looks and sweetness (and I am sure being a native is an appealing trait in a partner to someone from a different land.) Maybe that is all our relationship is. We do have discussions now and then, but most of the time it is just sweet talk. It is glorious, but that can't maintian a relationship.
And even if it is neither of the above, I can see now how I could be treated in the future if he gets busy. I could be put on the back burner, expected to just sit quietly and wait. Thats how I feel right now. I feel like someone there to boost his mood and his ego when he wants it, and expected to sit, FAITHFUL and alone, for months, and not feel that I deserve anything more than those scraps thrown at me when he can.
Damn. I have already started daydreaming of our beautiful and smart daughter and her responsible and charming younger brother. It saddens me to imagine that this relationship could not only not last forever, but could even be coming to an end.
In the past I would dump the guy right now and move on. I will not do that this time, I am going to give the relationship a chance. But I can't start a new habit of expecting less than I deserve, I can't settle for less than I deserve.
Damn.
Unfortunately those defenses are still there. I have been able to wear them away over time, with the help of medication and therapy, but some still remain. Although I have gotten better, it takes a long time for me to trust someone, and once I feel I have been wronged, those defenses snap right back into place, and once this has happened they may never come down again.
Right now that is how I feel about Charles. I am just ready to break up with him. I feel like our whole relationship is a fucking joke. I have spent 3 months just missing him, and wishing I would hear from him more, but it took until now to realize just how little he has communicated! He has sent me NO pictures. He has e-mailed me NO stories of things that have happened. He has told me next to nothing about his research, and he actually LOST the pictures that I e-mailed him! And it's not like I can get in touch with him! His phone doesn't have voicemail, and it is nearly never on. I sent him the e-mail from 2 posts ago, and while I received a phone call from him, he obviously hasn't read it yet, because he said the same old shit "I love you BAY-BEEE," words that once sounded like music to me, but now sound like a reminder of what an empty shell my relationship is right now.
And it's not like I haven't told him how I feel. I have told him so many times that I need more communication from him and all I get is "I miss you so much" and "I love you." Which fill me up at the time, but it has taken me until now to realize his actions don't match his words. If he missed me as much as he says, he would write to me at least as often as I wrote him.
I know that the man is prone to stress. He has the weight of his whole family's economic survivial on his shoulders. He is doing the research for a PhD on very little money, and he has lived in a "Foriegn" country for 4 years (and the U.S. is no walk in the park when you come from somewhere with a different lifestyle.) But he claims that after he talks to me he is always in a better mood, so why not talk to me on a regular basis? When he first left I wrote him long e-mails, but not hearing anything back hurt, so I didn't want to keep sending them.
One of two things may be happening here. One may be completely cultural. All countries have different definitions of what a good "relationship" is, and I know so little about his culture that I could not tell you if this is acceptable or not. But in my culture it is not acceptable, so there needs to be a happy medium. I have tolerated cultural traditions of his, so he will have to tolerate mine.
Two, our relationship might be not enough for the long term. We might be two lonely people, me because of my childhood, him because he is so far from home, who relish the feeling of being loved by someone we find appealing. Him, I find appealing because of his accomplishments, intelligence, and that he is so down-to-earth. (I think) he finds me appealing because of my looks and sweetness (and I am sure being a native is an appealing trait in a partner to someone from a different land.) Maybe that is all our relationship is. We do have discussions now and then, but most of the time it is just sweet talk. It is glorious, but that can't maintian a relationship.
And even if it is neither of the above, I can see now how I could be treated in the future if he gets busy. I could be put on the back burner, expected to just sit quietly and wait. Thats how I feel right now. I feel like someone there to boost his mood and his ego when he wants it, and expected to sit, FAITHFUL and alone, for months, and not feel that I deserve anything more than those scraps thrown at me when he can.
Damn. I have already started daydreaming of our beautiful and smart daughter and her responsible and charming younger brother. It saddens me to imagine that this relationship could not only not last forever, but could even be coming to an end.
In the past I would dump the guy right now and move on. I will not do that this time, I am going to give the relationship a chance. But I can't start a new habit of expecting less than I deserve, I can't settle for less than I deserve.
Damn.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Practice
I have been in therapy since about April of ‘05. Before therapy my reaction to my depressed or anxious moods was one of powerlessness, “Oh, no, I am getting depressed again” like it is an inevitable roller coaster that I will have to powerlessly ride. But having been in therapy, seeing how things can be perceived differently, I have a new perspective on my depressed mood today. There is a reason why I am reacting this way. What is the reason? How can I react in a healthier way?
It was very upsetting in my therapy appointment yesterday to have my feelings validated that my relationship with Charles is not going well. It was easier to deny the reality of it when I could just joke around about my “barely existent boyfriend” Reacting that way made it feel like I was upset with the “circumstances beyond our control.” But when forced to truly look at it, plain and simple, Charles isn’t investing in the relationship. He is throwing out some “I miss you terribly”-s but that’s all he’s putting in.
Using the skills I have learned in therapy I have to face that this isn’t acceptable, and I have to believe that I truly deserve better. I need to examine: How can a woman float along for 3 months being basically ignored by her boyfriend and at most let out a peep of “would you please send me more e-mails?.” How does a woman survive in a situation like this? How? Practice. As an adolescent, I lived alone with my dad, but he had no involvement in my life but to pay the bills. I am used to being ignored and alone.
My mom was dead, and my dad was basically also dead. He was passed out every night on the front porch. When he was passed out I couldn’t ask him for help with my homework, and he never asked me if I did my homework. When he was passed out he couldn’t clean our house of squalor, and he never made me clean my room. Passed out he couldn’t protect me from predators who would want to rape a 12 year old girl, and he never talked to me and warned me about the predators who ended up statutorily raping a lonely and desperate 12 year old girl. My mother died by accident, my father died on purpose.
Starting at 11 when my stepmother left I did all I could think of to endear myself to my dad so he would make me a priority, after all, I worshiped that funny and creative man. Yes she left, which was sad, but him and I would pull together and make it, and we would become closer. Instead, he started drinking a tequila sunrise every night “to relax.” Just as I predicted, he became addicted. The tequila sunrise a night quickly became two. Then there was no grenadine, then no orange juice. Next thing you know the cup became unnecessary too, I can’t remember if he kept the bag around the bottle while he drank it.
Having a passed out person as your sole parent is quite a challenge, especially when, like me, you wanted so desperately to be “normal.” So during the years of cajoling my dad to make me do chores and make me finish my homework, I started an elaborate game of “pretend” where I played the well adjusted daughter, and his role was of the parent who gave a shit if his daughter lived or died. He loved this game, he loved (and continues to love) taking credit for my successes. “I must have done something right” has come out of his mouth far too many times. My favorite memory of the “loving family game” was when I had to remind him to put an ad with my baby picture in the back of my senior yearbook saying how much he loves me and is proud of me. In the ad, he wrote the weirdest phrase…”Now it’s YOUR turn, Peanut” What did that mean? “I am passing the torch to you, Diana, now it’s YOUR turn to give up on life and it’s YOUR turn to abandon your responsibility.” Or maybe there was a punctuation error…maybe it was intended to say “…now, it’s YOUR turn…” meaning “Remember now, it’s YOUR turn to be your own parent. I put in at least 40% effort at being your parent for 10 years, its YOUR turn. It’s your life anyway, why should I waste my time caring about how you turn out? I would really prefer to sleep on the porch.”
And when I tried every which way to explain to him that I really needed his involvement in my life, could he please take parenting classes or something, I earned the role of “Another nagging woman.” He even would mock me for being emotional. When I would plead for some attention and rules he would say those cruel, indifferent words: “I trust you.”
Charles knows that I won’t cheat on him, he told me: “I trust you, Diana.” He doesn’t need to remind me that I am loved, because he “trusts” that I will be there when he comes back. He doesn’t need to give me the attention that a woman needs from a man, because he “trusts” that I won’t go looking for it somewhere else. I appreciate being trusted, but I would appreciate more that he behaved as if I was worth protecting. But the feeling that I am “worth protecting” is one I last felt when my mother was alive. I knew very strongly that I should be “grateful” for the attention granted to me by my father and stepmother. And when she left, my father drilled the point home that I was not important enough to be protected, just tolerated and “trusted.”
Charles still has the chance to step up to the plate and show he gives a damn. But if he doesn’t, it’s not a good idea for me to relive my adolescence and relationship with my father through him. That is what people who don’t resolve their childhood issues do. They set themselves up to relive them, thinking that by “fixing” the current situation they will fill that gaping hole in their heart. I know now that that doesn’t work. I am in therapy now, I don’t want my life to be controlled, or ended, by anxiety and depression anymore. I have lost too many years of my life to misery and fear.
I have thrown down the gauntlet to Charles. He can choose to be the man I deserve, or I will find another man. I only had one father, I did all I could to find someone else to raise me, but it didn’t work, I was stuck with what I had. But I am not stuck now. I am not forced to take scraps of love when I deserve true love. I am not doomed to a lifetime of being undervalued like I was as an adolescent. My father abandoned me and failed me, I am not going to abandon and fail myself.
Depression is not inevitable.
It was very upsetting in my therapy appointment yesterday to have my feelings validated that my relationship with Charles is not going well. It was easier to deny the reality of it when I could just joke around about my “barely existent boyfriend” Reacting that way made it feel like I was upset with the “circumstances beyond our control.” But when forced to truly look at it, plain and simple, Charles isn’t investing in the relationship. He is throwing out some “I miss you terribly”-s but that’s all he’s putting in.
Using the skills I have learned in therapy I have to face that this isn’t acceptable, and I have to believe that I truly deserve better. I need to examine: How can a woman float along for 3 months being basically ignored by her boyfriend and at most let out a peep of “would you please send me more e-mails?.” How does a woman survive in a situation like this? How? Practice. As an adolescent, I lived alone with my dad, but he had no involvement in my life but to pay the bills. I am used to being ignored and alone.
My mom was dead, and my dad was basically also dead. He was passed out every night on the front porch. When he was passed out I couldn’t ask him for help with my homework, and he never asked me if I did my homework. When he was passed out he couldn’t clean our house of squalor, and he never made me clean my room. Passed out he couldn’t protect me from predators who would want to rape a 12 year old girl, and he never talked to me and warned me about the predators who ended up statutorily raping a lonely and desperate 12 year old girl. My mother died by accident, my father died on purpose.
Starting at 11 when my stepmother left I did all I could think of to endear myself to my dad so he would make me a priority, after all, I worshiped that funny and creative man. Yes she left, which was sad, but him and I would pull together and make it, and we would become closer. Instead, he started drinking a tequila sunrise every night “to relax.” Just as I predicted, he became addicted. The tequila sunrise a night quickly became two. Then there was no grenadine, then no orange juice. Next thing you know the cup became unnecessary too, I can’t remember if he kept the bag around the bottle while he drank it.
Having a passed out person as your sole parent is quite a challenge, especially when, like me, you wanted so desperately to be “normal.” So during the years of cajoling my dad to make me do chores and make me finish my homework, I started an elaborate game of “pretend” where I played the well adjusted daughter, and his role was of the parent who gave a shit if his daughter lived or died. He loved this game, he loved (and continues to love) taking credit for my successes. “I must have done something right” has come out of his mouth far too many times. My favorite memory of the “loving family game” was when I had to remind him to put an ad with my baby picture in the back of my senior yearbook saying how much he loves me and is proud of me. In the ad, he wrote the weirdest phrase…”Now it’s YOUR turn, Peanut” What did that mean? “I am passing the torch to you, Diana, now it’s YOUR turn to give up on life and it’s YOUR turn to abandon your responsibility.” Or maybe there was a punctuation error…maybe it was intended to say “…now, it’s YOUR turn…” meaning “Remember now, it’s YOUR turn to be your own parent. I put in at least 40% effort at being your parent for 10 years, its YOUR turn. It’s your life anyway, why should I waste my time caring about how you turn out? I would really prefer to sleep on the porch.”
And when I tried every which way to explain to him that I really needed his involvement in my life, could he please take parenting classes or something, I earned the role of “Another nagging woman.” He even would mock me for being emotional. When I would plead for some attention and rules he would say those cruel, indifferent words: “I trust you.”
Charles knows that I won’t cheat on him, he told me: “I trust you, Diana.” He doesn’t need to remind me that I am loved, because he “trusts” that I will be there when he comes back. He doesn’t need to give me the attention that a woman needs from a man, because he “trusts” that I won’t go looking for it somewhere else. I appreciate being trusted, but I would appreciate more that he behaved as if I was worth protecting. But the feeling that I am “worth protecting” is one I last felt when my mother was alive. I knew very strongly that I should be “grateful” for the attention granted to me by my father and stepmother. And when she left, my father drilled the point home that I was not important enough to be protected, just tolerated and “trusted.”
Charles still has the chance to step up to the plate and show he gives a damn. But if he doesn’t, it’s not a good idea for me to relive my adolescence and relationship with my father through him. That is what people who don’t resolve their childhood issues do. They set themselves up to relive them, thinking that by “fixing” the current situation they will fill that gaping hole in their heart. I know now that that doesn’t work. I am in therapy now, I don’t want my life to be controlled, or ended, by anxiety and depression anymore. I have lost too many years of my life to misery and fear.
I have thrown down the gauntlet to Charles. He can choose to be the man I deserve, or I will find another man. I only had one father, I did all I could to find someone else to raise me, but it didn’t work, I was stuck with what I had. But I am not stuck now. I am not forced to take scraps of love when I deserve true love. I am not doomed to a lifetime of being undervalued like I was as an adolescent. My father abandoned me and failed me, I am not going to abandon and fail myself.
Depression is not inevitable.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Woah! Did I just press "send" ???
Hi Charles.
I think we should rethink you moving in right away. I just don't feel that our relationship is strong enough right now for us to take a big step like that.
Right now the only way I know I am in a relationship is that I am not allowed to date or have sex. Thats the only way I know. Otherwise I feel no different than someone who is single. I am faithful because I am loyal, not because I feel fulfilled in my relationship. I don't.
It is more than just missing you or feeling lonely. I have no idea what is going on in your life. No, I don't tell you either, but that is because there is no reciprocity. I wrote long letters at the beginning, and then didn't hear from you at all. Now I have sent you a long e-mail, but that was a week ago and I have heard nothing. I need more than an "I miss you" and "I love you." I need for us to be a part of each others lives. I need to know the little things. I need to know about the little boy you saw in a village who reminded you of yourself. I need to know about the fun night you had with your sister. I need some conversation, and it doesn't require money for a phone call, e-mails will do. Skype would work well too, but you havent shown any interest in that.
I really feel that I am not a priority in your life. I sort of feel like you have taken my love and willingness to be boyfriend-less for months and taken me for granted. I feel totally on the backburner, someone only to be appeased with a few "I love yous" but not something that is a priority. Here is an example: I had your picture on my phone, my desktop and on Yahoo log-in. You lost or deleted my pictures so I had to send them again. You didn't even feel the need to look at my picture in all of that time.
Maybe this is all a sign? I don't know. I want to stay together until you come back, but maybe we need to really examine what we are doing here.
I really do love you, and I hope things will work out.
Love,
Diana
I think we should rethink you moving in right away. I just don't feel that our relationship is strong enough right now for us to take a big step like that.
Right now the only way I know I am in a relationship is that I am not allowed to date or have sex. Thats the only way I know. Otherwise I feel no different than someone who is single. I am faithful because I am loyal, not because I feel fulfilled in my relationship. I don't.
It is more than just missing you or feeling lonely. I have no idea what is going on in your life. No, I don't tell you either, but that is because there is no reciprocity. I wrote long letters at the beginning, and then didn't hear from you at all. Now I have sent you a long e-mail, but that was a week ago and I have heard nothing. I need more than an "I miss you" and "I love you." I need for us to be a part of each others lives. I need to know the little things. I need to know about the little boy you saw in a village who reminded you of yourself. I need to know about the fun night you had with your sister. I need some conversation, and it doesn't require money for a phone call, e-mails will do. Skype would work well too, but you havent shown any interest in that.
I really feel that I am not a priority in your life. I sort of feel like you have taken my love and willingness to be boyfriend-less for months and taken me for granted. I feel totally on the backburner, someone only to be appeased with a few "I love yous" but not something that is a priority. Here is an example: I had your picture on my phone, my desktop and on Yahoo log-in. You lost or deleted my pictures so I had to send them again. You didn't even feel the need to look at my picture in all of that time.
Maybe this is all a sign? I don't know. I want to stay together until you come back, but maybe we need to really examine what we are doing here.
I really do love you, and I hope things will work out.
Love,
Diana
Blob
You know what I did today? I started by sleeping in and missing most of my therapist appointment (another post.) What have I done the rest of the day? Eat, look at celebrity gossip websites and thats it.
I am gaining weight. I haven't been following Weight Watchers at all, and I havent been working out. I don't look as georgeous as I have been lately.
I don't think this is depression. I think it is momentum. But I don't want my life to be this way or I will get depressed. I have come so far with my depression and weight, maybe I am sabotaging myself because I am afraid of what life will be like if I am attractive and energetic.
Also, what I talked about at my 15 minute appointment...Charles. I feel completely abandoned by him. My therapist says I should think twice about having him move in. She's probably right. I feel like I am not a priority to him right now, and I need to speak up (well I have 3 or 4 times) or I will resent him forever. I had a pilot on my flight who liked me last trip, and I found myself thinking about him for 3 days straight. Thats where I am right now, I just feel single.
Well Jennifer wants to use the computer now, which is a good thing. It means I wont me surfing for more sad Lindsay Lohan antics. Speaking of sad...I am spending unreplacable minutes of my life reading about and judging drug addicts strange behavior, when really I should be looking at and changing my own.
I am gaining weight. I haven't been following Weight Watchers at all, and I havent been working out. I don't look as georgeous as I have been lately.
I don't think this is depression. I think it is momentum. But I don't want my life to be this way or I will get depressed. I have come so far with my depression and weight, maybe I am sabotaging myself because I am afraid of what life will be like if I am attractive and energetic.
Also, what I talked about at my 15 minute appointment...Charles. I feel completely abandoned by him. My therapist says I should think twice about having him move in. She's probably right. I feel like I am not a priority to him right now, and I need to speak up (well I have 3 or 4 times) or I will resent him forever. I had a pilot on my flight who liked me last trip, and I found myself thinking about him for 3 days straight. Thats where I am right now, I just feel single.
Well Jennifer wants to use the computer now, which is a good thing. It means I wont me surfing for more sad Lindsay Lohan antics. Speaking of sad...I am spending unreplacable minutes of my life reading about and judging drug addicts strange behavior, when really I should be looking at and changing my own.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Celebrity Spottings!
This has been a big week for celebrities. Sunday night I saw Dean McDermott, Tori Spelling's husband in the Toronto airport. He walked very quickly in one direction like he was in a hurry to get somewhere, then he turned right around and walked back where he came from just as quickly.
My second "celebrity" was the guitarist from an 80's hair band. We will call the band "Rigid Brother." Him and his friends were GROSS. These were the kinds of guys that are Butt-Fugly, but who are only friendly to a woman if they are young, beautiful, and put out. If the woman doesn't meet all three of these criteria, they are not worthy of normal human interaction. It seems to be that way with heavy metal and the more ghetto oriented rap. The guys were not rude, but they were cold and formal, sort of the way I was with them, LOL.
My second "celebrity" was the guitarist from an 80's hair band. We will call the band "Rigid Brother." Him and his friends were GROSS. These were the kinds of guys that are Butt-Fugly, but who are only friendly to a woman if they are young, beautiful, and put out. If the woman doesn't meet all three of these criteria, they are not worthy of normal human interaction. It seems to be that way with heavy metal and the more ghetto oriented rap. The guys were not rude, but they were cold and formal, sort of the way I was with them, LOL.
Uncomfortable
The most racist thing I have ever heard my paternal grandfather say is “wow, there sure are a lot of black people” when looking at my high school yearbook. At the time I flipped out, but in hindsight I think he is open minded for a white fella his age. He’s a liberal guy, and a Greek who married a Swede, so he knows a little something about dating outside his culture. So I was taken a little aback the other night when I had an uncomfortable moment discussing Charles.
I was visiting my Grandparents’ house, where my Dad lives, to borrow some money from my Dad to buy glasses (I have to pay up front to be reimbursed by my flexible spending account.) Things were weird the moment I got there. I expected things to be very warm, and hoped to have dinner with them, but instead things felt tense, which felt disappointing, since I was in a nice mood to have dinner and visit with my family.
My Dad looked awful. He is doing really well, he is taking medication and not drinking as far as I know, but his appearance wasn‘t nice. He has grown his mustache out really long hanging down, which could be cool by itself, but he also has long brassy hair, and he refuses to trim his eyebrows, which are extremely long. Also, he is missing his bottom two front teeth. He had an opportunity to have dentures done pro-bono, but he chose not to because he would have to be toothless for a month. I just can’t see how that would be worse than how his teeth are now.
All in all he looks like a crazy person. I had thought it would be a fun thing for him and I to take my friend’s 6 year old to the science museum, he is great with kids. But when I saw him I decided not to ask him. I love him for who he is, but I don’t buy that this is who he is. He used to take more pride in his appearance, he looks like Richard Dreyfuss when he tries. But somehow he is rebellious, which can look good if it is done right, if it looks intentional, not lazy. I just hate how his appearance could be hurting him. People wont take him as seriously, and I can’t help but imagine how lonely that is.
So seeing him look bad wasn’t nice, but if he is taking medication, not drinking, and has a job I am happy. He really will do a lot for me which is nice. He was talking about modifying a laptop bag so it would fit my computer, and he has insisted on giving me this money he is loaning me instead of loaning it. I haven’t decided if I should accept it or not. Historically, stuff like giving me money was how he told himself he was being a good parent. When I would have traded having him give me money with having him make sure I did my homework and cleaned my room. But today, my dad doesn’t have a lot to be proud of, so if I can make him feel good, that he is providing for his daughter, it might actually be selfish to not let him do that. And come on, how hard is it to let someone give you money?
I was chatting about life and Charles came up. I was talking about his research and when he would return. A light bulb appeared and I said “Oh! Have you seen a picture of him yet?” I saw my dad, behind him mouthing “not now.” I sort of snapped at my dad, and said “WHAT? He needs to know eventually” and looked at my grandpa, and with a smile on my face and a “it’s not a big deal” tone in my voice said “Grandpa, Charles is from Africa.” But apparently he knew already.
I showed them all a picture. Grandpa did seem tense (when doesn’t he?) and his comment was “this is a nice phone you have here.” But really, what should I expect? Yes, it is 2006, but my grandparents grew up in a different time. Even I look twice when I see intercultural relationships. He’s not shouting slurs or saying “that man is not welcome in my house.” He is not criticizing my choice (to my face anyway) he is having a hard time with it. Would it be better if color or nationality would be as unimportant to him as if Charles was Finnish or French, yes, that would be how it should be, but our culture has a long ways to go, and people’s conciousnesses are not going to change overnight, it is happening slowly, generation by generation.
I apologized to my dad for calling him out when he said “not now,” I let him know it just came out. I would still show Charles’ pictures, but I shouldn’t have drawn attention to my dad mouthing something behind my Grandpa’s back. My dad said Grandpa had been grumbling before I had gotten there about me marrying a teacher. (No, I am not engaged) My dad said “He won’t say it but I think it’s because he’s black” with a little too much enjoyment in his voice. My fucking dad, I swear he likes this. This is his chance to be “the good guy,” and for his nemesis, his dad to be the bad guy. The two of them argue all the time, so I think my dad just loves that he gets to be so obviously right and superior, and that he can be on my side, when often it is my grandparents (and the whole world for that matter) on my side, and him on the other. It would not be unlike my dad to enjoy stirring up drama. Thanks dad, this is my family, my current family and possibly someone who I want to integrate into the family. Thanks dad for being indelicate and turning it into a power struggle, when in essence all it needs to be is an adjustment to something different happening.
I have some respect for my Grandpa. When I was dating (and living with) a Pakistani he had one day asked me “Is that Haseem as nice as he seems?” I think that when he meets Charles, he will be impressed. My grandpa is a tense guy, and he always has to be the boss, so working within those parameters, I am not going to expect him to be gregarious and warm when Charles and him meet. But Grandpa is not a really warm guy. He is very dry. He tsks and rolls his eyes a lot. That’s just him. I think he will eventually say, “That Charles seems like a very nice man.”
I was visiting my Grandparents’ house, where my Dad lives, to borrow some money from my Dad to buy glasses (I have to pay up front to be reimbursed by my flexible spending account.) Things were weird the moment I got there. I expected things to be very warm, and hoped to have dinner with them, but instead things felt tense, which felt disappointing, since I was in a nice mood to have dinner and visit with my family.
My Dad looked awful. He is doing really well, he is taking medication and not drinking as far as I know, but his appearance wasn‘t nice. He has grown his mustache out really long hanging down, which could be cool by itself, but he also has long brassy hair, and he refuses to trim his eyebrows, which are extremely long. Also, he is missing his bottom two front teeth. He had an opportunity to have dentures done pro-bono, but he chose not to because he would have to be toothless for a month. I just can’t see how that would be worse than how his teeth are now.
All in all he looks like a crazy person. I had thought it would be a fun thing for him and I to take my friend’s 6 year old to the science museum, he is great with kids. But when I saw him I decided not to ask him. I love him for who he is, but I don’t buy that this is who he is. He used to take more pride in his appearance, he looks like Richard Dreyfuss when he tries. But somehow he is rebellious, which can look good if it is done right, if it looks intentional, not lazy. I just hate how his appearance could be hurting him. People wont take him as seriously, and I can’t help but imagine how lonely that is.
So seeing him look bad wasn’t nice, but if he is taking medication, not drinking, and has a job I am happy. He really will do a lot for me which is nice. He was talking about modifying a laptop bag so it would fit my computer, and he has insisted on giving me this money he is loaning me instead of loaning it. I haven’t decided if I should accept it or not. Historically, stuff like giving me money was how he told himself he was being a good parent. When I would have traded having him give me money with having him make sure I did my homework and cleaned my room. But today, my dad doesn’t have a lot to be proud of, so if I can make him feel good, that he is providing for his daughter, it might actually be selfish to not let him do that. And come on, how hard is it to let someone give you money?
I was chatting about life and Charles came up. I was talking about his research and when he would return. A light bulb appeared and I said “Oh! Have you seen a picture of him yet?” I saw my dad, behind him mouthing “not now.” I sort of snapped at my dad, and said “WHAT? He needs to know eventually” and looked at my grandpa, and with a smile on my face and a “it’s not a big deal” tone in my voice said “Grandpa, Charles is from Africa.” But apparently he knew already.
I showed them all a picture. Grandpa did seem tense (when doesn’t he?) and his comment was “this is a nice phone you have here.” But really, what should I expect? Yes, it is 2006, but my grandparents grew up in a different time. Even I look twice when I see intercultural relationships. He’s not shouting slurs or saying “that man is not welcome in my house.” He is not criticizing my choice (to my face anyway) he is having a hard time with it. Would it be better if color or nationality would be as unimportant to him as if Charles was Finnish or French, yes, that would be how it should be, but our culture has a long ways to go, and people’s conciousnesses are not going to change overnight, it is happening slowly, generation by generation.
I apologized to my dad for calling him out when he said “not now,” I let him know it just came out. I would still show Charles’ pictures, but I shouldn’t have drawn attention to my dad mouthing something behind my Grandpa’s back. My dad said Grandpa had been grumbling before I had gotten there about me marrying a teacher. (No, I am not engaged) My dad said “He won’t say it but I think it’s because he’s black” with a little too much enjoyment in his voice. My fucking dad, I swear he likes this. This is his chance to be “the good guy,” and for his nemesis, his dad to be the bad guy. The two of them argue all the time, so I think my dad just loves that he gets to be so obviously right and superior, and that he can be on my side, when often it is my grandparents (and the whole world for that matter) on my side, and him on the other. It would not be unlike my dad to enjoy stirring up drama. Thanks dad, this is my family, my current family and possibly someone who I want to integrate into the family. Thanks dad for being indelicate and turning it into a power struggle, when in essence all it needs to be is an adjustment to something different happening.
I have some respect for my Grandpa. When I was dating (and living with) a Pakistani he had one day asked me “Is that Haseem as nice as he seems?” I think that when he meets Charles, he will be impressed. My grandpa is a tense guy, and he always has to be the boss, so working within those parameters, I am not going to expect him to be gregarious and warm when Charles and him meet. But Grandpa is not a really warm guy. He is very dry. He tsks and rolls his eyes a lot. That’s just him. I think he will eventually say, “That Charles seems like a very nice man.”
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