Friday, May 09, 2008

Thank you Keely, thank you for being unpleasant!

I was just looking at hot ghetto mess, and remembered a rediculous racist thing I said as a young woman. I repeated some joke that a black comedian had said, and said that the Cosby show, with a black doctor and a black lawyer was unrealistic. I feel sick to my stomach just remembering that, and I want to avoid thinking about it any further, because I don't want anymore humiliating memories of myself as an ignorant ass.

So Keely, my bi-racial friend since Jr. High, was extraodinarily bitchy to me last time I saw her, and when I say extraordinary, I mean for the average person. For her, it was bitchy business as usual. Well I realized tonight how much she blessed me by being a big enough bitch that I never want to speak to her again. Now I never need to be reminded of my ignorant past. No one but her knew about the Cosby joke re-telling. Nobody but her knew about my gaffe of saying her boyfriend is a sweetie, even though he "tries to look all thuggish" (racist because it associates black fashion with thug-ism.) I never have to be reminded of the time I called her friend "D" by the name of her friend "C" (That wasn't a mistake because they were black, but of course it was interpreted that way, and can never be seen any other way.)

Most people are forced to be accountable to their stupid thinking/actions of the past. I am free of them, but she will have to carry them with her forever, because she never gave me the chance as an adult to redeem myself, and to see me for what I was: nervous, eager for approval, curious, and ignorant, but not intentionally. I have always had a good heart, and as I look back on myself, I see that, but forever, when she looks back on me, she will carry a racist person with her, because she never took the chance to see anything more.

When her and I lived together she was so mean to me. I got used to it, like a battered wife I guess, and it took her cousin to call her on it in front of me to realize that she, in fact, was a bully, instead of me deserving it for being...who knows, 5' 7"? For whatever reason a person could believe they deserve to be bullied. In a way we both had the same mental issues, the difference was I saw myself as needing to change, and she didn't.

So Keely, you are such a bitch. Thank you for that. The sentence for my ignorant youth has been commuted, although I plead guilty. Even better, I am freed from the prison of having to deal with you. Halleluja!

(I can say, seriously, she had a bad effect on my self image for years, like an abusive husband. Her little sister, who she also bullied, is now a prostitute)

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