Saturday, May 17, 2008

I am a tulip

For real y'all. I have this thing bubbling up in me, and I dont know what is going to come up.

In my dreams, I am constantly confronting people and saying whats on my mind. Some people say nightmares are practice for dealing with real life, it appears a more assertive Diana has and is emerging.

But there is more. This heartbreak from Mike was like a final straw. I am glad about it, but I am for real done with men for awhile. I may need to get some sex, but I am not wanting a relationship, I just don't think anyone can satisfy me right now. The only thing that will satisfy me is to become the adult I want to be. When I say the woman I want to be, I mean the adult human being, sort of like with the same meaning "be a man." People never say "Be a woman" they say "You are being a woman" and they mean it as an insult. What I want to be in my life is a woman. An in control adult. And I am not talking about my personal life. I am talking about myself as a citizen. There is something growing in me, and damn it, it's radical!

This is why I see myself as a bulb. For years I have buried myself in mainstream anonymity, it kept me safe while I healed the wounds of my mother's death and father's abandonment via alcohol. But something is rumbling in my tummy. I just see visions of myself in dark basements looking at blueprints and planning protests, while avoiding the police. I am hopeful that we wont have a next president continuing the course this country is going in, but if our civil liberties are taken away, which they continue to be, what is next on that slippery slope. Could it be in the future that people could get arrested for peaceful protests? Could it be in our future that people get tortured for peaceful protests? Could it be in our present?

I feel like right now I am trying to figure out reality. I am finally ready to put aside my blinders of "Us" and "Vogue" magazines, (not Dlisted though, Dlisted IS reality) I need to dig deeper, trying to understand what is really going on in the world and America, and what needs to be done to make the world just, then go in that direction.

If I am a planted bulb, soon to sprout, how many people like me are there? I felt really inspired today, seeing "Dave Chapelle's Block Party." It made me think of woodstock. Are the 60's coming back? Are American youth too spoiled and soft to challenge the status quo? Are we too hypnotized by Prada and Chanel? I don't know.

I just hope that whatever comes up is balanced and accessible. I find some radical people to be really tedious, because they reject everyone except the people like them. I hope I continue to listen as much as I speak. I don't know what is coming, I am a little frightened, and a little proud.

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