Monday, November 29, 2010

Toronto Jackass is an addiction that I need to rehab

I needed to end the "Give him a chance dating" Stage one is to interact or go on a date and not like a guy. 2) Lie to myself and say I like him, mostly because it means I will probably get sex soon. 3) Put up with the whole situation for a month or so, until I can't take it anymore, hurting the guy and feeling angry and violated by myself for pushing myself to be with someone I don't want. 4) Feel repelled to all men, and if I don't meet someone I like until I get horny/lonely again, return to stage one.

Toronto Jackass was going to be my antidote to this awful pattern. I couldn't get rid of him, I might stay strong for a few months, but once he contacted me, or I saw him log on the messenger, I would be friendly again. The times I deleted him from Facebook, Myspace, and IM, he would get back in touch with me, and I would cave in. In the end, the Id wants what the Id wants. Besides being hung, and hard easily and consistently. The sex isnt always mind blowing, but it is never bad.

I can't even remember all of the manifestations we have been in. At first it was amazing discussion of creativity online, I really admired his music, and our conversation motivated and inspired the creativity in me. But he kept hanging up abruptly, and other strange, thoughtless things. At some point I deleted him, at another point I decided it would be only sex. And it was.

It's a blur, but he started confusing me. He said things that suggested he thought about me. He occasionally said he "liked me" I tried to get my head around it, and after a WONDERFUL conversation one evening and especially after seeing him again, and LETTING MYSELF FEEL it, I felt something, he could be my boyfriend, I didn't have to will myself into it like with the "give him a chance" relationships, I was IN. The next day I texted him a guaranteed conversation starter, that I had just cut down twelve trees, and his response to me was "OK."

After that day I knew I couldn't try again. I let myself be vulnerable, I let myself be excited, and I couldn't muster up that sort of optimism again. I went into another "Give him a chance" relationship which I expect will be my last. I can't put myself through that again. I just end up angry at myself and sort of violated. Whenever I am in my backyard I get these awful memories of feeling angry at my "give him a chance" guy. He turned into a condescending dick! He also bought blue paint for my gray house (Perhaps covering that up will be the antidote.) I decided since I can't get rid of Toronto Jackass, I will allow him in my life (read:bedroom) to protect myself from that "give him a chance" cycle.

It was a good idea. I sexed him up good on an overnight. It wasn't as good because since it started so fast I was not as warmed up, but I got some penis & some cuddles, and felt great the next day. for a few days we shot the shit seamlessly on Skype, and then one night him and his friend were drunk, and during the three way conversation TJ called me his girlfriend, and said "I love her." I liked the things he was saying, but I know from experience to wait for follow up behavior. That night, he repeatedly said, pleaded, that I stay longer. I said would be coming in early, so we could go to a movie or dinner. It is a good thing I knew better than to take his side comments seriously, because the next day he was not online again.

The day arrived, I assumed he forgot, and after a melancholy week, didn't feel like reminding him. But he did remember, and I felt hopeful that cuddling would help my depression, and that a few moments in his company would rev my dormant libido. We arrived at the hotel at 7PM, I had to wake up at 4:30. When he wasn't at the hotel still at 8:20, I texted him to ay i was too tired to go out, and asked him to bring takeout. He responded that he had spent his last $10 running an errand for his brother, but he would go out and get something for me when he got to the hotel. I forgive him for forgetting we had dinner plans, but it seriously appeared he had been, the whole time, going out of his way to avoid spending a penny on me. I texted him saying not to come. He said he would be at the hotel in 10 minutes. I told him I was not in a friendly mood and not to come. He didn't respond. In a dick move after already being a dick, he didnt write back to say, "OK, next time" so I could sleep, knowing he wasn't going to show up anyway.

I don't know if I will let him back into my good graces. I don't have any expectations but if a guy can't even spring for some Kung Pao chicken then I feel like a booty call or a sugar mama. And I think I have figured out his relationship nudging. When I want only sex, he wants a relationship. When I want a relationship, he wants space/freedom/independance from responsibility. When I want to resolve conflict he wants to rev it up. It has nothing to do with me, or what he wants in his heart. What he wants is the upper hand. He is such a mindfucker he is inconsistent. He told me a story about his brothers throwing him off the roof, and I know they physically fight to this day. I don't know what is wrong with his head but I know he will do what he can to ensure I feel just as off balance as long as I am in his world.

It's all very disappointing, but what I really liked about him is his creativity, and I think he had a muse effect on me, which is probably why I continued to respond and let him back into my life. I can continue to have that from him, I can listen to his music and feel that inspiration and admiration without allowing him personally close.

I was able to quit the cookies we pass out on the airplane, I can quit Toronto Jackass.


Anonymous said...


Diana Crabtree said...

Ni Hao Anonymous! Can you write it in English?

Anonymous said...

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