Thursday, November 30, 2006

Colored Lights

For the first time in years I have bought and decorated a full sized live tree. On the way home I called my roommate and asked her to look in the box to see if there were colored lights. I have used white lights the last times I decorated the tree, because they looked so classy, so crisp
and elegant. But this year I wanted the colored lights. Those were the lights on the tree when I was a child. And there is nothing more peaceful than a pine scented room, glowing with those colored lights.

I got the tree at a tree farm next to sweet-stay-at-home-mommy's house. I was visiting there for the afternoon, and I figured a tree farm tree would be cheapest, so I might as well buy it while I had already used the gas to get out there.

I searched the lot for a tree under the 31 dollar price tag that seemed to be on every tree. I crossed my fingers that I could find one for 25 dollars. I am SOOOO broke right now and a tree is a luxury I honestly can't afford. I got tired of looking and decided to price tree stands, and then I saw a new section of smaller trees. I found the one I liked, but it didn't have a price tag on it. I asked the man who worked there, and get this, the tree was 12.99!

He told me that this type of tree didn't bail very well, so I told him I would save the 1.50 and skip that part. I went to get my car and when I returned the man was bailing the tree. He told me he would not charge me for it. I paid him a rediculously small amount of money and drove my tree home.

I got home and Jennifer and I put the tree in the stand, added some water and 7up to the bottom and cut away the netting. I tested the lights and trimmed a few parts off the tree while waiting for the branches to settle. I took the trimmed branches and put them in a vase, as a nice smelling arrangement for my neighbor. He was recently dumped by his girlfriend, and his apartment is so small I don't imagine he will get a tree, so I thought it would be sweet. Jennifer and I ordered a pizza, made some cocoa, and I began to decorate the tree.

As I started to unwrap the ornaments, a funny feeling came over me. I felt like my future daughter was there with me. As I put up the dove ornament with "Diana 1982" painted on the wing, I imagined hanging it next to an ornament with her name and some future date. I felt her feeling of safety and hominess that I once felt, especially around the holidays.

The ornaments brought back memories of Christmases past. I remembered making the stained glass ornaments, and the construction paper with glitter ornaments with my Mom. I remembered receiving the santa ornaments that gave you a Hershey's Kiss from my Stepmom's Mom. I remembered the first tree my Dad and I had together after my Stepmom left him. I was 12 and we were both drunk as we decorated it.

I picked up each ornament and remembered the Aunt who gave it to me. Most of them were from my Dad's redheaded sister, they were quirky and fun, like a beaver or a frog. Some of them were from my Mom's youngest sister, they were artistic and cool like her. She was the age I am now, she and the family reached out to me, and kept me connected to my mom somehow.

Each ornament brought back a fragmented part of my life, and as I put them on the tree, as the woman I am today, I felt myself becoming more whole. Tonight I brought the three parts of me together into the same place. My present self was aquainted with my future self, and was reaquainted with my past selves. This is the power of a tradition.

As I had many times in the past, and as I will many times in the future, I put the angel on the top of the tree, turned off the lamp, and looked at it. It looked beautiful, bathed in the warm, comforting glow of the colored lights.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Come On

Charles isn't coming back until January. Come on.

Honestly I'm numb about this. I feel nothing. I'm just not thinking about it. I basically feel single. Single, but with out the dating and varied and exciting sex. Just the alone part.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Selfish Diana

Charles asked if I would call him from skype on sunday (our day to talk.) I said at the time I couldn't because my computer was being serviced. Well my computer came back early and so I e-mailed him telling him I would, but I never recieved an e-mail back.

I called him half a dozen times today. I let it ring for ages because I don't know when he is receiving the call, or if skype is just trying to call. Well he picked up eventually, and his voice sounded awful. He has a bad cold, and he has taken cold medication, so he was drowsy.

Heres the thing...I still wanted to talk to him. I knew he was sick, but somehow it was more important to me that he talk to me, because I miss him so much, and I am so frustrated by our lack of communication. This seems kind of selfish to me, especially since when I was sick I didn't answer the phone, and he didn't call over and over (but again, I did that because of Skype, if it was phone to phone I wouldn't have)

I am really frustrated by this relationship. I only talk to him once a week (if that) and I rarely get e-mails from him. Now he says he might stay a few days longer, because he has to interview 2 important people. I am so sick of this and angry at him, and I don't know if thats fair.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


How could I forget the power Madonna has over me? When I was a girl, my first tapes I chose for myself were Madonna's "Who's that girl" and RUN DMC's "Raising Hell." When I was 12 I discovered, from her Susan character in "Desperately Seeking Susan" the immense power in sexuality. In high school I watched Truth or Dare over and over and contemplated a different way of seeing homosexuality.

When I see photos of her I don't feel anything, but her "Confessions of a Dancefloor" is on T.V. right now, and she has me wrapped around her little finger. Shes. Still. Got. It.

The first song I saw was a teriffic gay anthem sounding song. Something about "Do you believe we can change the future." She looked drop dead georgeous, the visuals were beautiful, the men (of course) were beautiful, and the song gave me that upbeat feeling, like good things can happen.

Next came some amazing dancing, with some voice overs all with harrowing stories, one, an abused man, second, a woman who cut, and third a gang member pushed to kill someone. The tears started appearing then. I don't cry enough, I think I would be much less stressed in life if I did, so I enjoyed the appearance of the tears. It just seems like so many people are in pain right now.

Then came "Live to tell" with photos of African orphans. I cried the whole song. I was eating pudding and suddenly my hunger was gone. I know I sound corny, but it was like I was hungry to feel my feelings, and when I was able to I didn't need the cheap substitute of food when I finally had the real thing.

Then she had a song with Arabic singing. What more do you need today to summon up emotions. Now another dancefloor song is playing.

Yes, Madonna is an expert businesswoman. She is in tune with the culture, and reflects what is/will be cool in her music. Our world is scary and confusing right now, and it is chic to be thinking of Africa and world issues. Is she sincere or tapping into this trend? I don't care. She expertly tugged my heartstrings, and made me think about how much I think about these world issues and just how little I do about them.

Madonna is amazing.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Back with the program

I started Weight Watchers in April. I had great success. But then my old roommate shit on me and I went through the stress of buying a car and I am completely off the program (Although I still attend meetings.) I just feel like I cant track another point. I just cant do it. I am so tired of carrying those little books around and I am so tired of strategizing, planning and measuring.

How did I lose the weight in the first place? I had it figured out back then..."You have to want to lose weight more than you want to not do what is necessary to lose weight" [keep track of what you eat, make good choices, exercise, etc.]) So where I am right now is I don't want to do what I need to do to lose weight more than I want to lose weight. I think I look very pretty right now, and I have been overwhelmed by the new responsibility of owning a car, the shock of being treated so awfully by my old roommate, and the lonliness of having Charles gone for 3 months now.

But I am hoping I will get back on track. I am not a healthy weight. I simply am not. I should be around 140-160 and I am 180! Wrong! Actually, since my last weigh in I am 186. Almost 190. I owe it to myself to eat healthy foods and healthy quantites of foods, and to give my body the excercise it needs to be strong. I deserve to be healthy. I hope to be a parent one day, my husband and children deserve to have a healthy mom taking care of THEM, I don't want to burden them with health problems like heart disease or inactivity as I age.

That brings up an excellent point...when did I start Weight Watchers? After dating Charles for a few months. I had gained weight, but that wasn't it. I felt so loved, and that love gave me the confidence to be the person I want to be, and being obese is not the person I want to be! I want to have a healthy family. To be very active, and be a good role model for my children, to make activity and healthy food a part of their lives, so they don't have to struggle with health problems related to inactivity and bad food choices. I imagine the lonliness of having Charles gone, and the doubts that creep in by not having him around, are part of why I don't have the motivation to keep losing the weight.

I think I want to try to get motivated again! I am just imagining what my life could be like if I was 150 pounds. 150 doesn't seem realistic to me, it just seems too hard, but why not? I was that weight my early years of high school. I looked great! God, if I was 150 i would have so much more energy, something a person with depression needs! And people are so nice to good looking people. It is such an ugly reality but it's true. It's called "the Halo effect" people assume you are a better person when you are good looking. I remember what it was like. Sadly, at the time I internalized it, so when I gained weight and people weren't as nice anymore I internalized that too. Getting down to 150 would be a really good choice for me.

SO now how do I get myself back into that mindset? Yesterday I REALLY screwed it up. I started the day with my usual peanut butter toast, but then for lunch I only had a pita with a little hummus, and for dinner a pouch of tuna and some apples. I felt fine. I felt like I didn't need to eat anymore. But then I bought a bag of candy and some zingers! If i had been tracking I would have seen that I hadn't eaten enough that day, and I would have eaten something healthy, and then I would have had the willpower to not buy candy (I only crave candy like that when I haven't eaten enough protien and calories)

So I suppose planning isn't going to do me any good- howabout some action! I havent had breakfast yet (It's 1PM- AHH!) They say people who skip breakfast are more likely to be obese. I think its too late now, but I will still eat some fiber one cereal because it is high in fiber and will fill me up. Then I have to make a healthy choice for lunch and dinner. And I should really track so I am not eating too much or too little. I am in my workout clothes right now. After eating I should go for a walk. So I forgot my sportsbras? No excuse, if I can't run I can still walk.

I can do this! I lost 20 pounds already. I can lose 20 more. I won't freak myself out by saying I want to be 150, but what if? I CAN do it. My body would not reject it, my body would appreciate it. My heart wouldn't have to work as hard to supply all of me with oxygen. My estrogen wouldn't be too high because of the extra fat on me. My joints would have less work carrying me around. AND MOST IMPORTANT...I am less depressed when I am excercising, eating a lot of vegetables, and limiting my fat.

I can do this!!!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Airline News?

So I just saw on the news that our mainline (who is bankrupt) is vulnerable to being aquired by another airline. Our mainline is sleazy and nasty, even the employees, though as a response to the nastiness of the company and the stress of deregulation, are nasty too. When I think of the mainline, I just think negativity, and although I hear rumors that mainline will be hiring, I would rather stay in my low-brow airline, with it's shitty pay and modest destinations than work in that cesspool of unpleasantness.

So if Mainline got bought, what would happen to my airline, contracted with mainline? Would we keep our routes, just be owned by a better company? (Mainline would lose administrative jobs, which would be bad for our state, but no tears for the CEO & friends) Would my airline merge or be absorbed by the buyer's regional airline, would I lose my senority and all possibilities of part-time? Would things become better or worse? There is only one airline with worse conditions than ours, so I could only imagine it could get better (except for losing senority & part time.) Would my regional be dropped altogether?

There is nothing to worry about yet, no more than usual, but this is what has been said could happen. That would be huge, and like the crews at Mainline, it would be hard to feel sorry for anyone at the airline but the employees, thats how hated the management of Mainline is.

One thing that DID piss me off though, was some random fucking passenger on the news...she said "maybe its a good may force them to be more efficient" FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU BIIIIIIIIIITCH! You know NOTHING about deregulation and who PAYS for improved "efficiency" not only are the people FLYING YOUR PLANE getting pay CUTS, a lot of the routes are being outsourced to my company where the pilot FLYING YOUR PLANE is making 23,ooo a YEAR! And that is AFTER getting 100,000 in debt to be legal to fly! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!

I suppose if I am going to rant about the public's ignorance about deregulation I ought to include a link to an article explaining it. We'll see.

Monday, November 13, 2006


Flight Patterns Wow, there are a LOT of planes flying around out there.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Mildly Depressed

Oh god. Please let this be PMS or something. I called in sick this morning, and I am so tired and lazy.

One thing that just drives me crazy is I have lost my credit card. I just had my credit card replaced, AND my debit card replaced. I feel very foolish.

My room is a mess, I need to make a BC appointment before Charles comes back, I need to send in some paperwork about my car insurance, I need to make a therapy appointment, now I need to get a new credit card.

I have more to do too I am sure, but I feel so uninterested. I feel like I don't care. I have to make myself care. Please let this be PMS. Please, Please, Please.

I wonder if this has anything to do with the grey weather, or with the fact that I had social events the last 4 days.

UPDATE: Thank god! I am sick for real! (Who would have thought I would say thank god?)

Friday, November 10, 2006


I'm not really drunk, I just drunk a few.

I just came back from an S&M themed bar, a favorite place for me to go dancing. I like it for a few resons, one, the play a lot of german industrial type music which I really like. Two, the people there are really nerdy so I don't feel self concious. Three, the people there are outcasts, so I really relate to them on the inside. Four, the people there are facinating.

One of these facinating people was slave Anthony. He kissed my boot a year or so ago which was really funny to me. He gave me a piece of paper saying all the reasons I should own a slave, like that he would clean my house for no money, doesn't sound so bad to me. We chatted with him for quite a bit, he seemed surprisingly normal. He is (of course) an accountant in real life.

My sister Linda and I sat analyzing him, and she made a great point...we are two 30 year olds analyzing a 50 year old guy who knows what he likes and dislikes. Its weird to us but so what?

One thing I observed is how I become more and more mainstream as I age. Thats another thing I like about this place. It makes me still feel young and wild, not the normal, normal, normal person that I am today. I am so close to the mainstream. I am a flight attendant for god's sake! Airline people are so conservative and normal.

I had a fun night. I don't feel bad about the person I am becoming, nor do I feel bad about the person I am at the core. I just am what I am, and tonight allowed me to examine that.

Oh, and by the way there was also a legless man who spent most of the night laid on a stage while girls danced on top of him.

Friday, November 03, 2006

My Karmic Duty?

Today I had plans to go out with a flight attendant at my work. I thought it was plans for just the two of us, but it turned out to be a group of 4. We had fun, ate at an Italian restaurant, and flirted with the waiter.

I was to drive the flight attendant home, who doesn't have a car. She asked if we could stop somewhere on the way, and I said of course. We drove to the other side of town in rush hour traffic, then stopped at Garden of Eden for her favorite oil. After she bought her oil she said she wanted to look at the store next door, so we went in, it had nice stuff, but towards the end I let her know I was running out of steam and would like to leave, and so we did.

Then she asked if we could go to the bagel shop so she could get a dozen bagels for her trip, I said okay, and swear I sat there fro 10 minutes for her to get bagels.

So we left the Bagel shop and she said she just wanted to stop at Walgreens for pantyhose and at the Grocery store. I said okay. Again, at Walgreens I sat in my car for what felt like 15 minutes, a long time to buy pantyhose.

At least there was just the grocery store left. I went in with her, and got my own groceries. Predictibly, I did not have to rush.

I assumed this was the end, but then she wanted to stop at CVS for her thyroid medication. Werent we just at a pharmacy? Isn't the CVS across the street from your house? if the CVS is across the street from your house did you need me to stop at either the walgreens or CVS? Couldn't you get the pantyhose and bagels from the grocery store?

Sure it was my fault. I was really easy going about it, since I had just been through it, so I probably made her feel so at ease that she thought "well if I have the opportunity..."

I need to just stop with these sad cases I keep befreinding. Yes, I was a sad case, and yes, I may become a sad case again, but I am not one now, so I should save my chariy work for disadvantaged children.

The night ended on an upnote. I went to a concert with my roommate and her friend. I probably could have made out with the drummer in the band :) He was really tall and lumberjacky- and geeky. The drummer was roommate's friend's cousin, and he was asking if I had met him, in the way that you do when you are trying to set someone up.

I don't know what I would have done if I wasn't with Charles. Could I go back to making out with (okay lets be honest, sleeping with) people I am not compatible with? I feel like I could, the conquest is so exciting. It feels so fun to "win" the game and to experience the new flavor, to learn how this person kisses, how agressive they are, what their mouth tastes like. But I am an adult now, and that behavior is just too risky. I don't think I am at much risk of STDs, because I always use condoms, but there is always the risk of cold sores, violence, and uch!, psychos. I am a psycho magnet, even tonight there was a weirdo trying to talk to me and I just didn't want to hurt his feelings, fortunately roomie rescued me.

What a day.