I was thinking this afternoon how well my tapering is going. After a week or so the crabbiness has worn off a bit, and I just have a boost of energy.
I have been getting up at 3AM for the past few days for work, and so I am overtired, but making it through. And what happens? A cool, attractive, & slightly older guy called to invite me to a movie. He definitely likes me, if it was sexual I was unsure of, but having him invite me to a movie certainly gave me a cue.
I am in Toronto so when he called I texted him to send me a facebook message. We write a few messages back and forth and he sends one that says "You know, I asked a bunch of people if they knew anyone single and 2 of them said YOU. I think you are nice and all, but I need that animal attraction. Grunt."
OK, first off, the animal attraction on my side is there, and usually I don't feel attraction unless I am getting it back. But it is irrelevant. This came out of nowhere, I didn't suggest myself as a potential new girl, he just said it. Without prompting, I was told I am not attractive enough for a man in his late 40s.
You know, I am too chicken to go out into the dating world. If we had gone to a movie I might have decided I was interested, and then when he rejected me, it would have been a response to me putting myself out there. But instead it just followed me in my little shell "you aren't attractive enough for me" and I wasn't even sure I was interested in him!
So my first instinct was very confident, just to say "You arent attracted to ME? Then you arent a MAN!" but as I was trying to come up with things to say, I just started feeling bad feelings. Hurt. And I decided I don't have to play along. He insulted my appearance for no good reason (he didn't even have to mention that people suggested me) my feelings were hurt, so I told him. Assertively.
Then he wrote back and apologized, and he said something like "I thought I could be honest with you" I don't know, that rubbed me the wrong way. Yes, he could be honest with me, but I didn't ask if I measured up to his standards. I was pretty sure he was showing sexual interest, not platonic interest, but I wasn't going to come out and say it. HE sort of came to ME.
So I said "Well let me be honest with you. I think if you are 50, you should be happy to find someone 50. If having kids was a priority, than you should have had them in your 30s. Did you ask my opinion about this? No, you didn't, but you got it." Aggressive.
He said something about "She has to be young enough to have/want kids" and that pissed me off. I don't know what pissed me off about it, but it was like that is why he wants a woman, an incubator for his DNA. Had he said he prefers that I might have seen it differently. But hearing a comment like that really nauseated me, and in the same message he is telling me I don't meet HIS qualifications.
Wow, and now that I examine it, it was a double insult. "You aren't attractive enough to date, and in a few years there are a lot fewer men who will want you because your reproductive organs, the most important thing about a woman, will not work anymore." Never mind that HE, an older man, might not have "fully operational equipment" himself!
It's bad being rejected, even worse being rejected by someone that you aren't that sure of. It's worst of all being rejected by someone you aren't that sure of out of the blue with no warning.
So, is it withdrawl from the Lexapro that made me lash out, or stronger emotions I am not used to? Maybe both, mixed with lack of sleep?
I do feel like trying to hurt him back isn't what I believe in, it's not my "way" but I feel so glad I did it. I hate being pushed around, and I hate what women are valued for. I wanted him to understand what it's like to get info you didn't ask for, but he sort of DID ask for it.
Now I hope I can sleep.