Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Dysfunctional, yes- but I recognize it!

Thanks to all of you for your nice comments in response to my "core" post. As you can see from my lack of posting, the laptop doesn't work, the cord was able to boot it up once, and now- nothing. I am not sure what to do, ebay it? fix it? (it already has a problem with the hard drive, so why invest more?) If I am to continue to blog I will need a laptop so I can be in my room and hotel rooms to blog, I am just not finding the inspiration...well, that is until now.

Oh Charles. A month or so ago I told him I loved him. I thought it would be a very romantic moment where he hugged me and said "I was worried to say it- I am so glad you did" (I had complained of men saying it too soon) but thats not how it happened. I was learning Kiisi, his regional language, and I asked him how to say "I love you" he told me, and I said it to him. He said it back, but then continued to talk about the linguistic aspects of it, I felt disappointed but not shattered. But at the end of the day he didn't say "I love you" and of course I was not going to start saying it if he didn't. I called him an hour after he left, when I realized what had happened, and let him know I knew he wasn't comfortable with it. We had a big talk the next day and he said a lot about not wanting to make commitments he couldn't keep (re: getting married) and his worries about not having enough time for me, and I calmed him down, pointing out that he was bringing in a lot from his last relationship, that I didn't want a commitment, nor to make one, and that I liked the space I got from his busy life (I too often have long distance romances.)

But I am hurt that he doesn't love me. And since he doesn't, my heart is hardening up, and trying to protect itself. I opened myself up and allowed myself to feel deeply for a man who I have potential with, but I had bad timing, and I regret that so much, because not getting back what I was feeling felt like a spell breaking, I felt punished for the hard work I am doing to try to trust men and to let myself care about someone, especially a man.

What my instincts want to do is turn back into bitch-vixen mode. The cruel woman who teases the man with sex, but punishes him the whole time by being cold and distant. That is how I have treated men my whole sexual life, and I don't want to fall back into that. I have no idea what to do to make these feelings go away. Telling him wont help, he will just feel guilty, which is unfair because he was honest with me- the right thing to do. If I hold onto the feelings, what good would that do? I can see them festering into passive agressive anger, and that I WILL become the bitch-vixen.

I guess what I will do is ask him again where he is at this point, if he sees us as short or long term. But I think I am thinking about the future too much. I don't want my entire present to be spent thinking about my future.

And there is the whole chemistry thing. I don't feel the way with him sexually that I have with men in the past. But of course I dont. there is not one shred of degradation in sex with him. I think I, pathologically or not, get off on the degradation. Maybe it is because of my low self-esteem. Maybe it is because it allows me to keep my heart at a distance. Maybe my brain and sexuality has been warped by American porn (absolutely.) Maybe that dominance/submission kind of stuff is just primal and very normal. Probably its a combination of all of those. My big fear is that it is just we have bad chemistry. (but that would only be on my part- he is definately hot for me) Oh- and I forgot, my anti-depressants have dampened my sex drive substantially. Ah what the hell- I am just hoping the chemistry is an unsolvable problem so we can break up and I can go back to being alone and self-loathing.

One thing that I am doing is joining Weight Watchers. He calls me beautiful, I think I look like a white trash cow. It is time for me to stop abusing myself with unkind evaluations of my beauty. I AM beautiful, all 200 pounds of me, but I don't feel at my best, and I need to take control and get to where I want to be.

Uh! I am very tired. I have gotten up before 5 both this morning and yesterday, and flying just takes the piss out of me. I need to sleep before I make any rash decisions, like breaking up with him because he doesn't love me after 2 months. But when are you supposed to love someone? Uh! I need to go to bed.

OH! and I forgot- I just flew a trip with the captian who left me at the hotel 6 months ago. He was exceptionally nice, but I am sure being with him for 4 days could have put a little damper on my mood. Ah! Glad I realized that.

Monday, April 03, 2006

the core

I just visited my favorite blogs for the first time in months. I feel right now like I used to feel when I wrote on here. My inside is tapped. Lately in my life I have been operating on a surface level. Since roomie is nearly always home I am continuously in "public" mode, the mode where I am focused on expressing myself verbally & responding to the environment, so I don't ever get a chance to "zone out." I can't even relax in front of the TV, because she will start talking to me, forcing me to interact.

I have been sitting here for at least 10 minutes writing and deleting, just trying to put into words what it is that I am needing but am not getting often enough. I wouldn't say I succeeded, the message is still trapped in my head, I havent found the english to explain it. But in a way I just said it. That is the process that I love. I love having abstract ideas, and going through the process of understanding it, and then recording it on my blog. With Tera here I can't get the focus I need. I am really excited to be getting the power cord for my laptop so I can start writing in my bedroom. And I am excited to be feeling the blogging bug again. I have made a point to post now and then, but lately it has just been a recording of events, not an exploration of thoughts and ideas. I am excited that I might get that, and perhaps myself, back.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Yay Ebay!

I just won a powercord to recharge the laptop that Francis gave me. If that works, I plan to get a WiFi card, and hopefully have my blog up and running again. I think there are plenty of reasons of why I haven't been blogging as much, but I think the number one reason has to be my roommate's mouth. She loves to talk during movies and TV shows, so as you can imagine, she loves to talk to me when I am trying to turn my thoughts into words. It wouldn't be as bad if what she was saying had a purpose, but I got so sick of her interrupting meaningful moments of writing with comments like "that is such a stupid commercial", that the habit has been broken.

I imagine part of my distance from the computer is healthy, but most of it is me, not wanting to hate the person I live with, so I avoid activities with her that will drive me crazy (watching TV, or movies with her, or doing anything that requires concentration while she is within a 15 foot radius)