Friday, March 19, 2010

Sex with a 13 year old girl who looks 18

I was that thirteen year old girl, or, more accurately, I was twelve. An ugly duckling, one day I looked in the mirror and I had these beautiful B cup boobs. My body looked like the girls on the videos on MTV, the ugly duckling was...PRETTY.

After years of being ignored by boys, they suddenly were looking at me. Not just boys but older boys, even men. I liked the attention from men, it made me feel like they were sending their adult, and therefore safe and powerful approval. I noticed that tilting my head a certain way made me more pretty, wearing a shorter skirt made me more pretty, it felt so wonderful to be pretty.

I also was so lonely. My stepmother left my dad, and my dad just started drinking so much that he was passed out every night. I was still in shock from my mother dying 4 years ago, suddenly not having a mother, a stepmother, or even a father, was so lonely and scary. Getting attention felt wonderful. Getting VALIDATION felt wonderful. Being pretty made me feel worthy, and feeling worthy was a rare thing when I had suddenly lost all of my parents.

HORNY. Did I mention I was sooo horny? I had been masturbating for years, and I was obsessed. It was this new and amazing thing. Orgasms were just...wow! It was such a fun new thing. I had sexual fantasies about David Lee Roth (I invented 69 in my head before I knew it existed!) and Atrayu from "The Neverending Story." I was a walking hormone. The kids at school had started calling me a "Slut" which was weird since I hadn't really kissed a boy unless you counted my best friend when I was six, so I knew my feelings made me weird, and bad.

Finally, I met Scott. His name has NOT been changed, to NOT protect the guilty. He was 17 and my first boyfriend. He had long stringy hair and drove an El Camino. I felt at the top of the world that he was my boyfriend.

Having never had a boyfriend, I didn't know anything, but I saw heavy metal videos and knew that sex was something boys want. I felt like "This is what you should be doing, this gives you the 'edge' with boys." I LOVED kissing. I LOVED having my boobs touched. I really didn't want to have sex yet. I wanted to THINK about having sex, but I really didn't want to do it. But I told myself this was what I should do.

I played pool with Scott at his family's hotel. I had decided "This is going to be the night I have sex" I remember laying there for what felt like ages, and how it hurt worse than anything I could ever imagine. I bled for days. Scott called me and asked me if I was a virgin, I said "NO!" quickly, ashamed he might know my horrible secret.

We had sex a second time, it hurt just as much. I had decided I will just have to be really strong and be a really good actress, sex was a must to keep this intoxicating attention from boys. I was pretty worthless (if not, my dad would be taking care of me, not passed out, ignoring me) so if I am going to keep this attention from boys I needed to use every weapon I had. Sex was it, and 4 minutes of excruciating pain every few weeks was what I would have to endure if I wanted to keep it.

I found out that Scott was cheating on me with another 12 year old girl. Apparently she wasn't having sex with him, because what 12 year old girl has sex?

Last night I saw the excellent movie Towelhead. A child in puberty is still a child. A child with an adult's body, is still a child. A child with sexual desires is still a child, and touching them is a despicable crime.

I see handsome teen athletes on my airplane, and even if their adult-seeming bodies stir something sexual in me, even if they persue me, they are still children. Their minds are the minds of children, and as an adult, I am in a postion to protect them, not abuse them. Yes, they have sexual desires, and one might desire me, but they are not intellectually ready or prepared to be responsible for that desire. Touching a child, even if their body looks like an adult, even if they request it, is rape. Molestation.

With help of my therapist, I forgave myself for persuing sex that I wasnt ready for. She reminded me that at 12, I wasn't developed enough in the first place to make a decision like that. My boyfriend was 17, so therefore a child himself. It might not have been a legal crime, but thank goodness it was 5 years, I think, before I had sex again. Because no decent person has sex with a 12 year old.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello. And Bye.

Adultboy said...

Well said :)

The Prince of Centraxis said...

Thanks for your revealing confession. From the perspective of someone who was also once a teenager I have to point out that there are very few older girls who want to go out with teenage boys (most are looking for someone older than themselves), so they have to look to younger girls if they want to explore their sexuality.
In most earlier cultures teenagers were expected to have sex (witness Romeo & Juliet for instance) - but not before puberty!

Diana Crabtree said...

Adultboy & PoC- Thank you so much for taking the time to read this & comment.

POC, It makes me smile that you say "explore his sexuality" instead of "get laid."

I am sure I will backtrack on this when I have kids, but I think it is perfectly lovely for two fifteen year olds, who have been educated in safe sex and are in a commited relationship, to have sex with each other. Of course there are us unlucky ones who can't get a boyfriend or girlfriend, but then we sublimate our sexuality with schoolwork or art, or we develop our attractiveness until we meet someone- and then we have a relationship.

There is no doubt that skinny, greasy haired Scott, turned to twelve year olds, because the 15-18 year olds probably didnt want to date him. I should not defend him, except to say he, at 17, was also a child.

Jon M. said...

I was 17 and had a similar experience, however being the male in the relationship I managed to not have sex with the 13 year old girl. Yes I very much wanted to but always managed to control myself.Having two teenage sisters probably helped as much as anything and I am thankful I chose the right course of action.

I enjoyed your post.

Jon

Diana Crabtree said...

Jon,

Kudos

Diana

Anonymous said...

The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.

Anonymous said...

Bullshit story, nice try. First of all, 12 year olds are not children and neither are 17. That is our society and such a contradiction for the United States, roots in puritanism, claims to be the most free and yet the most repressed society. Do you even remember being a teenager. Girls just as much as boys want sex because they are YOUNG ADULTS. Our consumer society needs to keep teenagers children to sell to them, keep them stupid. It is easier to sell to Americans than Canadians because they are less educated and educated to buy buy buy. Similarly I remember and still know a new generation of girls that love sex at 12, 13 and such and it does not hurt, it hurts the first couple of times, but when the girl is in charge, on top and getting an orgasm, it is wow. In many cultures today and our own past, girls were married off at 13, by the 1960s and 70s most were pregnant by 17 or 18, and to do the right thing was to marry. That is the proof that your story is made up and most likely you are a man. And mostly likely you hate women, like most men in the catholic church. Mother Marry was 12-14 when she had Jesus, as per Jewish tradition. Only the catholics change this Nativity scene to look like they were in their 20s, such lies is agravating because people are stupid. Bye. Just so you people want something sick to read, I am 40 and she is 12 and she comes to me when she is horny and it has nothing to do with wanting attention because she got that anyways. She's horny and what will happen, some teenage boy would have her and make her pregnant, I am fixed, no danger of pregancy and she doesn't feel right using a dildo. Take that.

Diana Crabtree said...

A 12 year old does not have the capacity to understand what it will do to her psychologically. I didn't know.

You have to say no, because you are the adult, and it's adult's job, with fully developed brains, to protect children, with developing brains.

Diana Crabtree said...

...molesters fool themselves/rationalize by making the excuse that because a 12 year old child is a sexual being (which I was) it is ok to take advantage of that.

I challenge you to read abuse survivors stories and see what the aftermath of this is.

Diana Crabtree said...

A 12 year old does not have the capacity to understand what it will do to her psychologically. I didn't know.

You have to say no, because you are the adult, and it's adult's job, with fully developed brains, to protect children, with developing brains.

Anonymous said...

Want me 1im 12 and want sex

Shayla Lyon said...

When I was 9 years old I was raped by my sister's boyfriend and it continued for three years. By the nineth month I thought it was normal and started enjoy it. When he and my sister had sex he would hide me so I could see how I was "supposed" to act. I was scared at first but after a while I thought I had to do it. I did only because I'd seen him hurt my sister if she said no to sex and I didn't want to get hurt. Even though I was doing what he said he got aggressive and started to choke me until I passed out. I began to get fed up with getting hurt. When I was 11 I fought back which made it worse, he would bang my head against the wall. My sister noticed my bruises and I told her what happened and she told our parents and they reported it to the police. And no this isn't fake but very real!!!!

Athena Retsinas said...

Shayla, what a terrible thing to hear. I hope you are continuing to heal.

Anas Binyamin said...

A really eye opening story, and I'm sorry that you were made to feel like you need to flaunt yourself for sex to get validation. I'm glad you left it behind, you ARE better than that. ;)
I wonder why they don't teach respect at school? Respect for men and women, and self-respect.
I'm not doubting you here, but I came across this because I was researching a law against engaging in sex with an under 16. It's a defence to show that you didn't know that the person was under 16, UNLESS they're under 13. So what I would like to ask, if it's OK with you, is is it possible to suss out that you were actually a lot younger than you were- that you were only 12?
Thanks for having the courage to write this. ;)