I was that thirteen year old girl, or, more accurately, I was twelve. An ugly duckling, one day I looked in the mirror and I had these beautiful B cup boobs. My body looked like the girls on the videos on MTV, the ugly duckling was...PRETTY.
After years of being ignored by boys, they suddenly were looking at me. Not just boys but older boys, even men. I liked the attention from men, it made me feel like they were sending their adult, and therefore safe and powerful approval. I noticed that tilting my head a certain way made me more pretty, wearing a shorter skirt made me more pretty, it felt so wonderful to be pretty.
I also was so lonely. My stepmother left my dad, and my dad just started drinking so much that he was passed out every night. I was still in shock from my mother dying 4 years ago, suddenly not having a mother, a stepmother, or even a father, was so lonely and scary. Getting attention felt wonderful. Getting VALIDATION felt wonderful. Being pretty made me feel worthy, and feeling worthy was a rare thing when I had suddenly lost all of my parents.
HORNY. Did I mention I was sooo horny? I had been masturbating for years, and I was obsessed. It was this new and amazing thing. Orgasms were just...wow! It was such a fun new thing. I had sexual fantasies about David Lee Roth (I invented 69 in my head before I knew it existed!) and Atrayu from "The Neverending Story." I was a walking hormone. The kids at school had started calling me a "Slut" which was weird since I hadn't really kissed a boy unless you counted my best friend when I was six, so I knew my feelings made me weird, and bad.
Finally, I met Scott. His name has NOT been changed, to NOT protect the guilty. He was 17 and my first boyfriend. He had long stringy hair and drove an El Camino. I felt at the top of the world that he was my boyfriend.
Having never had a boyfriend, I didn't know anything, but I saw heavy metal videos and knew that sex was something boys want. I felt like "This is what you should be doing, this gives you the 'edge' with boys." I LOVED kissing. I LOVED having my boobs touched. I really didn't want to have sex yet. I wanted to THINK about having sex, but I really didn't want to do it. But I told myself this was what I should do.
I played pool with Scott at his family's hotel. I had decided "This is going to be the night I have sex" I remember laying there for what felt like ages, and how it hurt worse than anything I could ever imagine. I bled for days. Scott called me and asked me if I was a virgin, I said "NO!" quickly, ashamed he might know my horrible secret.
We had sex a second time, it hurt just as much. I had decided I will just have to be really strong and be a really good actress, sex was a must to keep this intoxicating attention from boys. I was pretty worthless (if not, my dad would be taking care of me, not passed out, ignoring me) so if I am going to keep this attention from boys I needed to use every weapon I had. Sex was it, and 4 minutes of excruciating pain every few weeks was what I would have to endure if I wanted to keep it.
I found out that Scott was cheating on me with another 12 year old girl. Apparently she wasn't having sex with him, because what 12 year old girl has sex?
Last night I saw the excellent movie Towelhead. A child in puberty is still a child. A child with an adult's body, is still a child. A child with sexual desires is still a child, and touching them is a despicable crime.
I see handsome teen athletes on my airplane, and even if their adult-seeming bodies stir something sexual in me, even if they persue me, they are still children. Their minds are the minds of children, and as an adult, I am in a postion to protect them, not abuse them. Yes, they have sexual desires, and one might desire me, but they are not intellectually ready or prepared to be responsible for that desire. Touching a child, even if their body looks like an adult, even if they request it, is rape. Molestation.
With help of my therapist, I forgave myself for persuing sex that I wasnt ready for. She reminded me that at 12, I wasn't developed enough in the first place to make a decision like that. My boyfriend was 17, so therefore a child himself. It might not have been a legal crime, but thank goodness it was 5 years, I think, before I had sex again. Because no decent person has sex with a 12 year old.