I have so much going right in my life, but I spend more time on facebook and sparkpeople that I never blog on here about it. When do I ever write on DC? When it is about sex or depression. Something secret. It creates an awfully one dimensional picture I think.
Here we go again...tonight I went to Mongolian stirfry with Carter and some other pilots & a flight attendant. I was really excited, because in this circle is a pilot who I like, and I am not sure, but could like me, if we spent more time together. He wasn't there. It was looking like a fun night of drinks would be afterwards, but who should show up? That Italian douchebag that I fooled around with to forget about Daniel Shnieder, the married overly-flirtatious man who I had a crush on since elementary school.
I wouldn't have called him a douchebag, except for two things. One, I had said I just wanted to kiss, before anything...but he took all of his clothes off in the blink of an eye. I finally went along with it, and wasn't upset, but now of course I totally regret it. Why? Because he has a big fucking mouth. His friend added me on facebook only a month or so after, and started asking weird questions. I played along with it, but later realized that the fact he was doing this meant that dipshit opened his fucking mouth. I never admitted to anything, except I dropped a hint that *that night* I was interested in someone else. Douchebag was my second choice.
So he showed up, and so I didn't want to go out drinking anymore. But I really did want to, but not if he was going to be there. To make it worse, I am attracted to him, and it makes me want to throw up in my mouth. He is my physical type, black hair, arm hair, & with broad shoulders. And he has a dorky, nervous insecurity which is pretty endearing, sadly.
So now my night has been ruined. I regret that stupid night, though I am so glad that in high school I never made the mistake of fooling around with anyone in a "crowd." If I feel humiliated, as a grown adult, having that be exposed about me, imagine how awful it would be in high school. I had a bad reputation in Jr high, just for developing early, imagine having the reputation but "deserving" it.
Oh well, thats life. I am happy to say that at least my sex drive is under control right now. Even if it was offered to me I don't think I want it. I have been thinking about it, sex without feelings is like food without salt. You can enjoy food without salt for years, but once you have tried food with salt on it, it is bland without it. I might have a tryst with a 23 year old in India next month, but there is an emotional element there. I am not even sure I want to do it. He is 23, and a little brooding. I am not sure how good of company he will be, since when I met him we were instructed to be silent for 3+ days.
So moral of the story? Don't ever go out to dinner? who knows
UPDATE: If you want to visualize what the douchebag is like...imagine "the todd" from scrubs. Oh, I wish I was joking. Dead on.