It's an ache. A lonliness. It goes away for a bit, but then it returns when I forget to pretend it's not there.
I am thinking to myself "thank god it's over- because he wrote 'dating should be fun-but not that kind of fun' " When the truth is I am not happy it's over. I am hurt. HURT HURT HURT.
And again, the pattern continues. The woman punished for liking sex.
What I know I need to do is mourn this somehow. I am thinking I need to do something creative. I have a big, awesome keyboard, so I need to pull it out and let it out. Pain brings out great creativity. And great pain creates moving art.
And this pain is the pain of Mike, compounded with the pain of Charles, compounded with the pain of my dad. All three acted like I didn't matter. Didn't pay me the small amount of attention I needed. And I don's require much.
I am so grateful for hot pilot's call last night. And for Myspace (I have gotten lots of attention from there- I like it :) )
(oh, speaking of myspace, I see Mike looked at it tonight. So he hasn't forgotten me altogether at least. No, don't worry. I'm not holding on to hope. I just like knowing I cant be forgotten in 2 days)
Showing posts with label Charles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Charles. Show all posts
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Thursday, October 18, 2007
This 60 year old thing is going TOO FAR!
I just got another e-mail from my 60 year old. He sent me a picture. He looks adorable, and 60. He's wearing 60 year old person's clothes and 60 year old person's sunglasses. Yet, I find myself crushing on him still.
One thing that should stop me, since (for some REDICULOUS reason) the fact that he IS SIXTY hasn't stopped me, is he is Catholic. Catholics end up with Catholics in the end and I would never, ever, convert to Catholicism. Maybe I would try to, but the priest would see right through me. He (never she) would know I wasn't one of them by the look in my eyes when he'd say "Jesus is good- all other religions ARE DOOMED TO HELL! FEAR GOD! FEAR JESUS! FEAR ME! BWAH HA HA HA!" (<----thats the sort of thing that Catholic priests say, right?)
And of course, there is the sex thing, but he used to teach martial arts, so he could be in good enough shape that it still works (and that he is healthy enough that he could get "medical assistance" if necessary) And I have been reading about it, and it seems that men that age still have sex (and did you know that women just get more and more horny as they age??? Poor me! I will be a monster!) But again, he is Catholic, so even if it works, he might not believe in using it.
But those rational arguements aside, I just think- well duh!- that it is peculiar that I have a crush on such an old-ass guy. So what could the reason be? The first one is very easy- "Daddy Issues" I got 'em. I have lost a father figure in my life, because my dad's depression and anxiety have led him to bad choices, so he is not a role-model to me, and our strong bond broke during the 13 years he was constantly drunk. My crush appears to be responsible and healthy- a perfect father figure.
This leads to issue number 2- security. He is 60 years old, he is fully formed. I don't have to wonder if he will end up a screw up, I think "what you see is what you get" with someone at that age. He has his life together, so I would not have to go through the phase where we eat ramen noodles while we struggle and work too many hours to pay the mortgage for the too-big house we bought and are now stuck with because the market is so bad. Also, naively, I feel that he'd be less likely to cheat on me, but that has more to do with his personality than his age...he just seems to be a warm, kind person.
And then there is reason number 3...I am too damn old for my age. I am a fucking weirdo. Remember New-York-Name-Dropper-Man? Well I was 24 and he turned out to be 49 (lied and said he was 42) He was the first time I had entertained the idea of an older man, I just felt a connection with him that I had never felt with a man of my age. I felt like he understood me. I have had a weird life, so how can I find someone who understands me? Someone a little older has had more experiences, and hopefully more wisdom. And the demeanor that my crush has, appears wise.
Oh, and reason number 4. I'm lonely, and I felt nice when I talked to him. You know who else I felt nice when I talked to him? Charles. They both have "The Buddha Nature" it's this calm, serene thing that puts me at ease. (And I know it's weird, but I got turned on when my crush was asking me out! WEIRD!)
Funny thing is, I don't think my friends would judge me. I think they would say "Thats Diana for you" and discuss it behind my back (thats what we do, but not in a bad way.) They have already said they picture me ending up with an older man, but when they said "older" I dont think they meant "older than our fathers"
If I am not thinking about my age, I am just getting such a crush. We will see each other at the beginning of November, so I can see how the people stare, and see if I have the guts to deal with it. My question is...why doesn't he think it's weird???
One thing that should stop me, since (for some REDICULOUS reason) the fact that he IS SIXTY hasn't stopped me, is he is Catholic. Catholics end up with Catholics in the end and I would never, ever, convert to Catholicism. Maybe I would try to, but the priest would see right through me. He (never she) would know I wasn't one of them by the look in my eyes when he'd say "Jesus is good- all other religions ARE DOOMED TO HELL! FEAR GOD! FEAR JESUS! FEAR ME! BWAH HA HA HA!" (<----thats the sort of thing that Catholic priests say, right?)
And of course, there is the sex thing, but he used to teach martial arts, so he could be in good enough shape that it still works (and that he is healthy enough that he could get "medical assistance" if necessary) And I have been reading about it, and it seems that men that age still have sex (and did you know that women just get more and more horny as they age??? Poor me! I will be a monster!) But again, he is Catholic, so even if it works, he might not believe in using it.
But those rational arguements aside, I just think- well duh!- that it is peculiar that I have a crush on such an old-ass guy. So what could the reason be? The first one is very easy- "Daddy Issues" I got 'em. I have lost a father figure in my life, because my dad's depression and anxiety have led him to bad choices, so he is not a role-model to me, and our strong bond broke during the 13 years he was constantly drunk. My crush appears to be responsible and healthy- a perfect father figure.
This leads to issue number 2- security. He is 60 years old, he is fully formed. I don't have to wonder if he will end up a screw up, I think "what you see is what you get" with someone at that age. He has his life together, so I would not have to go through the phase where we eat ramen noodles while we struggle and work too many hours to pay the mortgage for the too-big house we bought and are now stuck with because the market is so bad. Also, naively, I feel that he'd be less likely to cheat on me, but that has more to do with his personality than his age...he just seems to be a warm, kind person.
And then there is reason number 3...I am too damn old for my age. I am a fucking weirdo. Remember New-York-Name-Dropper-Man? Well I was 24 and he turned out to be 49 (lied and said he was 42) He was the first time I had entertained the idea of an older man, I just felt a connection with him that I had never felt with a man of my age. I felt like he understood me. I have had a weird life, so how can I find someone who understands me? Someone a little older has had more experiences, and hopefully more wisdom. And the demeanor that my crush has, appears wise.
Oh, and reason number 4. I'm lonely, and I felt nice when I talked to him. You know who else I felt nice when I talked to him? Charles. They both have "The Buddha Nature" it's this calm, serene thing that puts me at ease. (And I know it's weird, but I got turned on when my crush was asking me out! WEIRD!)
Funny thing is, I don't think my friends would judge me. I think they would say "Thats Diana for you" and discuss it behind my back (thats what we do, but not in a bad way.) They have already said they picture me ending up with an older man, but when they said "older" I dont think they meant "older than our fathers"
If I am not thinking about my age, I am just getting such a crush. We will see each other at the beginning of November, so I can see how the people stare, and see if I have the guts to deal with it. My question is...why doesn't he think it's weird???
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
I feel bad about myself right now
Ashram makes me feel bad about myself. I feel very anxious and upset right now, more than I have felt in a long time. I need to deep breathe and make this anxiety go away.
I was supposed to meet up with Ashram today or tomorrow, and so I was talking on the phone to him about it. I told him I forgot that we were getting together, so I ate dinner already. He asked what I ate and I told him I made a spaghetti sauce with lots of vegetables. He said "oh you are taking care of yourself now. You used to eat meat and tacos and now you are eating vegetables" Well first of all, I love vegetables, always have. And back when I hung out with him I was taking much better care of my health than I am now.
This isn't the first time he has made me feel bad. He seems to do it a lot. I guess I just let him back into my life because I didn't really care that much about him (probably because he makes me feel bad) and I just sort of kept him around because he was someone to kiss, and to distract me from missing Charles.
After he said that I said "Geez, you really know how to make a girl feel bad about herself" and he was obviously sorry, but the damage is done (and if it was the first time he hurt my feelings it would be forgiveable) After that he did not want me to get off the phone with him until I wasn't mad anymore, and so of course I just got more and more mad. I hung up on him, and then he called back and hung up on me. Now I have my phone turned off. I am not a person who hangs up on people, by the way.
I am dealing a little better now, but I guess me saying I don't care what he thinks is untrue. I care enough that I am very hurt. VERY hurt. The other time he did this I had pressed him to say he thinks I am pretty. Not because I am a person who needs to hear it, but because I knew he didn't, and I needed to confront him. He not only couldn't say he thinks I am pretty, he said "that shouldn't matter."
I know I am not ugly. I think I am fat, but many people think I am attractive, so there is no reason for me to kiss someone who doesnt. In fact, I think he thinks I am attractive, he just isnt willing to give me the power of complimenting me. He wants me to be insecure so I will think I have less options, and therefore want him more. If this sounds familiar to anyone, you are dealing with a future abuser.
I feel better, but less happy than I was feeling. I will send him an e-mail saying "I dont want to hang out anymore" and be done with him. Why an e-mail? I dont want any phone messages from him, and I want him to know exactly why I don't want to be friends, so he has the ability to change it if he wants to for the next person.
What a jerk!
I was supposed to meet up with Ashram today or tomorrow, and so I was talking on the phone to him about it. I told him I forgot that we were getting together, so I ate dinner already. He asked what I ate and I told him I made a spaghetti sauce with lots of vegetables. He said "oh you are taking care of yourself now. You used to eat meat and tacos and now you are eating vegetables" Well first of all, I love vegetables, always have. And back when I hung out with him I was taking much better care of my health than I am now.
This isn't the first time he has made me feel bad. He seems to do it a lot. I guess I just let him back into my life because I didn't really care that much about him (probably because he makes me feel bad) and I just sort of kept him around because he was someone to kiss, and to distract me from missing Charles.
After he said that I said "Geez, you really know how to make a girl feel bad about herself" and he was obviously sorry, but the damage is done (and if it was the first time he hurt my feelings it would be forgiveable) After that he did not want me to get off the phone with him until I wasn't mad anymore, and so of course I just got more and more mad. I hung up on him, and then he called back and hung up on me. Now I have my phone turned off. I am not a person who hangs up on people, by the way.
I am dealing a little better now, but I guess me saying I don't care what he thinks is untrue. I care enough that I am very hurt. VERY hurt. The other time he did this I had pressed him to say he thinks I am pretty. Not because I am a person who needs to hear it, but because I knew he didn't, and I needed to confront him. He not only couldn't say he thinks I am pretty, he said "that shouldn't matter."
I know I am not ugly. I think I am fat, but many people think I am attractive, so there is no reason for me to kiss someone who doesnt. In fact, I think he thinks I am attractive, he just isnt willing to give me the power of complimenting me. He wants me to be insecure so I will think I have less options, and therefore want him more. If this sounds familiar to anyone, you are dealing with a future abuser.
I feel better, but less happy than I was feeling. I will send him an e-mail saying "I dont want to hang out anymore" and be done with him. Why an e-mail? I dont want any phone messages from him, and I want him to know exactly why I don't want to be friends, so he has the ability to change it if he wants to for the next person.
What a jerk!
Friday, August 31, 2007
What would my mother think???
She would be shocked! She would say "This isn't what I raised my little girl to be!" She would wonder what she did wrong...why would her baby girl do this to herself?...to be a...HOUSEWIFE?!?!?
I kid, I don't think my mom would be ashamed, but she was a member of NOW, and a big part of the second wave feminist movement, so while she was fighting to get women respect in the workplace, to break the glass ceiling, my dream has become to be a housewife.
More accurately, a part time Flight Attendant, part time volunteer, and full time mom. It's not a dream or an ambition, more of a fantasy job, but I just think I'd love it, and do a great job of it.
First of all the kid thing, I thought that once the Risperdal was gone I wouldn't want kids anymore (I thought it was altering my hormones.) Well, for a week or so I didn't want kids anymore, but it's back with a vengeance. I agreed to sit with a little boy named Ethan while his mom installed his car seat on the plane, and the way his little eyes looked up at me, I can't explain it, it's just the most natural feeling in the world to me. I act very girlish, but put a child next to me, and the woman comes out. I am nurturing and protective and intuitive. I hope I can be a parent one day, if not to my own, to an adopted child or foster child.
The other aspect of being a "housewife" is the cooking and decorating the house. I love the feeling of cooking or baking something amazing (unfortunately I like it better without time constraints- likely story with kids.) Today I baked a red velvet cake with homemade dark chocolate buttercream frosting. I cut the cake into the shape of a 2 for Jane's daughter Daisy's 2nd birthday. I make amazing cakes, they are made from a box, but they are always fun and creative. (But not in a professional way- they are unquestionably amaturish!) I also love making dishes with lots of colorful vegetables. I feel such a satisfaction eating something pretty, yummy, AND healthy.
But "Housewife" is not a career one can aspire to as "Nurse" or "Journalist" is. To be a Housewife you have to be half of a pair, of a couple, and who knows what will happen there. I am not saying that I CANT find someone, but I do question if I will find someone who meets my lofty standards, or if I can change my standards and remain happy.
Last night, for the first time, I imagined dating Charles again. Imagining having sex with him did not stop me. I guess I remembered what made me love him. He would be a good father, and he'd be available within my reproductive years, but I am not rushing back. If he would not respond when I was extremely upset, what does that say for our future, and conflicts that would naturally arise?
...uh, people, I don't think that I will ever find someone who meets my standards. I have this thing where the guy has to be spectacular in some way. A cell-phone salesman? No. Why? I don't know. It's not money, because I could fall for an artist, or an aid-worker, but it's something about amazing men that drive me crazy. I guess it's inspiration. But I also want him to be mentally balanced and a good communicator, OOP- and don't forget, the chemistry has to be great. Any spectacular man, especially a good communicator, will be noticed. And I have realized that many of them have gotten married in the last 5 years. Yes, I could catch them after they get divorced (romantic, arent I?) but by then I can't get my babies.
It's a tough one people. I read that there is a "disqualifying" Obsessive Cumpulsive Disorder, where you look for a flaw and then break up once you can find it. I think I have that. Time for more therapy.
So the housewife is only a dream, I accept that it might not be realistic. It's realistic, but to have that, and the type of relationship that I want in a marriage, may be too rare to get. So be it.
In the end I really want a family. I haven't had a strong, healthy, close family bond since when my mom was alive. And I suppose my dad and step mom were a family for those 2 years after she died. I would just love the daily hugs and "I love yous" and to get to put little notes in my kid's lunch boxes. Oh my god you don't know what it does to me to imagine putting notes im my kid's lunch box...I'm calling Charles. (just kidding)
I know my mom would support me, no matter what my choice was, as long as it fulfilled me.
I kid, I don't think my mom would be ashamed, but she was a member of NOW, and a big part of the second wave feminist movement, so while she was fighting to get women respect in the workplace, to break the glass ceiling, my dream has become to be a housewife.
More accurately, a part time Flight Attendant, part time volunteer, and full time mom. It's not a dream or an ambition, more of a fantasy job, but I just think I'd love it, and do a great job of it.
First of all the kid thing, I thought that once the Risperdal was gone I wouldn't want kids anymore (I thought it was altering my hormones.) Well, for a week or so I didn't want kids anymore, but it's back with a vengeance. I agreed to sit with a little boy named Ethan while his mom installed his car seat on the plane, and the way his little eyes looked up at me, I can't explain it, it's just the most natural feeling in the world to me. I act very girlish, but put a child next to me, and the woman comes out. I am nurturing and protective and intuitive. I hope I can be a parent one day, if not to my own, to an adopted child or foster child.
The other aspect of being a "housewife" is the cooking and decorating the house. I love the feeling of cooking or baking something amazing (unfortunately I like it better without time constraints- likely story with kids.) Today I baked a red velvet cake with homemade dark chocolate buttercream frosting. I cut the cake into the shape of a 2 for Jane's daughter Daisy's 2nd birthday. I make amazing cakes, they are made from a box, but they are always fun and creative. (But not in a professional way- they are unquestionably amaturish!) I also love making dishes with lots of colorful vegetables. I feel such a satisfaction eating something pretty, yummy, AND healthy.
But "Housewife" is not a career one can aspire to as "Nurse" or "Journalist" is. To be a Housewife you have to be half of a pair, of a couple, and who knows what will happen there. I am not saying that I CANT find someone, but I do question if I will find someone who meets my lofty standards, or if I can change my standards and remain happy.
Last night, for the first time, I imagined dating Charles again. Imagining having sex with him did not stop me. I guess I remembered what made me love him. He would be a good father, and he'd be available within my reproductive years, but I am not rushing back. If he would not respond when I was extremely upset, what does that say for our future, and conflicts that would naturally arise?
...uh, people, I don't think that I will ever find someone who meets my standards. I have this thing where the guy has to be spectacular in some way. A cell-phone salesman? No. Why? I don't know. It's not money, because I could fall for an artist, or an aid-worker, but it's something about amazing men that drive me crazy. I guess it's inspiration. But I also want him to be mentally balanced and a good communicator, OOP- and don't forget, the chemistry has to be great. Any spectacular man, especially a good communicator, will be noticed. And I have realized that many of them have gotten married in the last 5 years. Yes, I could catch them after they get divorced (romantic, arent I?) but by then I can't get my babies.
It's a tough one people. I read that there is a "disqualifying" Obsessive Cumpulsive Disorder, where you look for a flaw and then break up once you can find it. I think I have that. Time for more therapy.
So the housewife is only a dream, I accept that it might not be realistic. It's realistic, but to have that, and the type of relationship that I want in a marriage, may be too rare to get. So be it.
In the end I really want a family. I haven't had a strong, healthy, close family bond since when my mom was alive. And I suppose my dad and step mom were a family for those 2 years after she died. I would just love the daily hugs and "I love yous" and to get to put little notes in my kid's lunch boxes. Oh my god you don't know what it does to me to imagine putting notes im my kid's lunch box...I'm calling Charles. (just kidding)
I know my mom would support me, no matter what my choice was, as long as it fulfilled me.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Dwelling
So I'm miserable, so the tinyest tasks seem like moving mountains, that is all very unfortunate, but I am making it worse by the way I dwell on it.
I am supposed to visit my family in the north of my state this week, and my patterns are to want to cancel. I am miserable, so instead of seeing my family and being partially distracted from my misery I should stay home and lie in my bed where I can give my misery my undivided attention?
When I get by myself my mind just starts going on and on. I will never be married. I will never have a family. If I was married with a family I would screw them up. I will be the crazy aunt/cat lady. I am the worst employee in the world, I will never have a good career. I will never make a comfortable living. And on, and on, and on.
Wait...that is the exact discription of the broken record in my head that I hate, and was happy to get rid of with the Risperdal! So part of the trick will be saying "the record is playing again" and disregard the thoughts as being as false as a Schitzophrenic's hallucinations.
So yes, I will probably get married. I will not only eventually meet a great guy, I will probably be meeting a new man within a few months. I didn't marry Charles because he is not Mr. Right (it still pains me to write that) and I will find someone as good as Charles, but who fits me better (or maybe I'll marry Charles)
I will have children, and I will likely be too crabby sometimes, but I will not screw up my children's lives just because I yell now and then.
I will have many jobs in my life. I will not be stuck where I am, and I will not have to be a waitress, and if I am, it wont be forever. I will find a way to help people somehow.
I have come a long way. Just because I am feeling a little depressed doesn't mean I have to go back to the depressed behaviors I have practiced in the past. I might not be happy at times, I will for sure be so irritable I could explode, but it will pass, and I will learn how to manage my anger.
I am going to my family's and I am going to stay on top of things as much as I can. i wont be perfect, but that doesn't make me dispicable. My temprament might not be as naturally pleasant as I wish it was, but that doesnt mean I am a bad person, or that I am unpleasant all the time.
I am supposed to visit my family in the north of my state this week, and my patterns are to want to cancel. I am miserable, so instead of seeing my family and being partially distracted from my misery I should stay home and lie in my bed where I can give my misery my undivided attention?
When I get by myself my mind just starts going on and on. I will never be married. I will never have a family. If I was married with a family I would screw them up. I will be the crazy aunt/cat lady. I am the worst employee in the world, I will never have a good career. I will never make a comfortable living. And on, and on, and on.
Wait...that is the exact discription of the broken record in my head that I hate, and was happy to get rid of with the Risperdal! So part of the trick will be saying "the record is playing again" and disregard the thoughts as being as false as a Schitzophrenic's hallucinations.
So yes, I will probably get married. I will not only eventually meet a great guy, I will probably be meeting a new man within a few months. I didn't marry Charles because he is not Mr. Right (it still pains me to write that) and I will find someone as good as Charles, but who fits me better (or maybe I'll marry Charles)
I will have children, and I will likely be too crabby sometimes, but I will not screw up my children's lives just because I yell now and then.
I will have many jobs in my life. I will not be stuck where I am, and I will not have to be a waitress, and if I am, it wont be forever. I will find a way to help people somehow.
I have come a long way. Just because I am feeling a little depressed doesn't mean I have to go back to the depressed behaviors I have practiced in the past. I might not be happy at times, I will for sure be so irritable I could explode, but it will pass, and I will learn how to manage my anger.
I am going to my family's and I am going to stay on top of things as much as I can. i wont be perfect, but that doesn't make me dispicable. My temprament might not be as naturally pleasant as I wish it was, but that doesnt mean I am a bad person, or that I am unpleasant all the time.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
I want my mom
My last post got me thinking. What is my very favorite addiction? Boys :) This has been the case since I turned 12, and went from an ugly duckling to a swan. I have found attention intoxicating, and have felt at my worst when I was obese and not getting any attention.
Boys provide attention, sex, and companionship, the perfect trifecta for someone in my position. I am constantly walking around with an empty hole in me. I used to have a mom who took me to the library, fed me whole wheat foods, and took me to dozens of doctors. She cared about the person I would turn out to be. She made me clean my room, finish my spinach, eat my applesauce with bran sprinkled on it. Then she died, and I moved in with my dad (my hero at the time) and step-mom. They put me in my room with a TV and bought me things. I always felt like a third wheel there. Home didn't feel like home. It was like I was on my bi-weekly custody weekends, just for an extended period of time. Then of course my step-mom left and my dad started drinking and I became completely invisible. There was a roof over my head and food in my belly, but I was still completely invisible.
This all happened when I was developing, so this hole in my heart is permanent. It cant be filled, because the only thing that can fill a hole like that is a loving parent. But boys make me forget about that hole. They pay attention to me, so I don't feel invisible. The give me sex, so I get the touching, embracing, and cuddling that a person needs, and they give me companionship, so I am not so lonely.
Problem is, I am fearful I can't have a healthy relationship. I am still so broken up about Charles letting me down. It was hard for me to let myself love someone, I was willing to give up good sex, maybe for my entire life, in order to be loved like I was by him. But he abandoned me too. Just like my mom, just like my stepmom, just like my dad. How can I open my heart again? I really trusted that Charles loved me, and maybe he did, but he wouldn't give me what I need.
I cant be alone like this. I cant stand the feeling that if I disappeared no one would know. I know I do this to myself, I isolate myself, but sometimes my social interactions feel so unsatisfying. I dont want to have a normal adult relationships. I want my mom. I don't want an Aunt who has been good to me. I want MY MOM. Its her job to love me. I don't have to feel like a burden, it's her job. I'm entitiled to a moms love. I don't have to say thank you. Its just there. Its my right.
Unfortunately, a relationship will never be like that. I will never replace the love of a mom with a man. A sexual relationship is a relationship between equals. You can't melt into another person like you can with a mom (in fact, melting into someone is a sign of unhealthy boundaries.)
So knowing the hole will not be filled, where do I go from here? Fortunately right now I am crying, which is very rare for me, and I think is very healthy. I suppose I can remind myself that the future is not bleak, and the only way it is bleak is if I convince myself it is, and create a self-fufilling prophecy.
I write this with a desperation. As if maybe I can be convincing enough, that my lonliness will be clear enough, and my mom will realize she made a mistake to die, and she'll come back, and my depression and anxiety will go away. Oh my god I am 30. I cant spend fifty more years like this. There is no medication that can safely take the edge off this constant pain. I can't just continually eat to numb it anymore. I can't have sex with people I don't love to quiet it anymore. I can't take up drugs or alcohol, or develop a different eating disorder to distract myself. I got to do something else.
Maybe what I need is to grieve again. I know I made an effort to appear strong, and when my dad started drinking I completely made an effort to prove I was strong, to be strong for him too.
What I also can't do is kill myself. I have to get that thought out of my head. It's just a distraction from solving the problems of my depression and anxiety. It may end my pain, but it would cause problems for people around me. I now have made a promise to a boy in Uganda that I will pay for his education, if I killed myself I would kill his dream. I would upset my friends, I would make them wish they could have done something. I would upset my family who lost their sister and mom. And my dad, he might never recover. He would likely start drinking again, he might even kill himself.
I really need to listen to what I am writing here and take it as red flags. I need to get back into the therapist who can remind me that I am a drama queen, and that things arent so dire. I mean my god, my life is pretty fucking great. It is really great, but I am able to convince myself that it's not. In fact, I may be having a sad mood right now, but I am actually pretty happy for much of the time (I am right? I can still enjoy things, right?) Uh! I think so, I... uh!
Maybe I should go to bed. It's 11:30, there is no reason why I have to be awake right now, wallowing, and digging a deeper and deeper hole of depression for myself. Thats what therapy teaches, to cut that cycle out. I hope I have done that.
Boys provide attention, sex, and companionship, the perfect trifecta for someone in my position. I am constantly walking around with an empty hole in me. I used to have a mom who took me to the library, fed me whole wheat foods, and took me to dozens of doctors. She cared about the person I would turn out to be. She made me clean my room, finish my spinach, eat my applesauce with bran sprinkled on it. Then she died, and I moved in with my dad (my hero at the time) and step-mom. They put me in my room with a TV and bought me things. I always felt like a third wheel there. Home didn't feel like home. It was like I was on my bi-weekly custody weekends, just for an extended period of time. Then of course my step-mom left and my dad started drinking and I became completely invisible. There was a roof over my head and food in my belly, but I was still completely invisible.
This all happened when I was developing, so this hole in my heart is permanent. It cant be filled, because the only thing that can fill a hole like that is a loving parent. But boys make me forget about that hole. They pay attention to me, so I don't feel invisible. The give me sex, so I get the touching, embracing, and cuddling that a person needs, and they give me companionship, so I am not so lonely.
Problem is, I am fearful I can't have a healthy relationship. I am still so broken up about Charles letting me down. It was hard for me to let myself love someone, I was willing to give up good sex, maybe for my entire life, in order to be loved like I was by him. But he abandoned me too. Just like my mom, just like my stepmom, just like my dad. How can I open my heart again? I really trusted that Charles loved me, and maybe he did, but he wouldn't give me what I need.
I cant be alone like this. I cant stand the feeling that if I disappeared no one would know. I know I do this to myself, I isolate myself, but sometimes my social interactions feel so unsatisfying. I dont want to have a normal adult relationships. I want my mom. I don't want an Aunt who has been good to me. I want MY MOM. Its her job to love me. I don't have to feel like a burden, it's her job. I'm entitiled to a moms love. I don't have to say thank you. Its just there. Its my right.
Unfortunately, a relationship will never be like that. I will never replace the love of a mom with a man. A sexual relationship is a relationship between equals. You can't melt into another person like you can with a mom (in fact, melting into someone is a sign of unhealthy boundaries.)
So knowing the hole will not be filled, where do I go from here? Fortunately right now I am crying, which is very rare for me, and I think is very healthy. I suppose I can remind myself that the future is not bleak, and the only way it is bleak is if I convince myself it is, and create a self-fufilling prophecy.
I write this with a desperation. As if maybe I can be convincing enough, that my lonliness will be clear enough, and my mom will realize she made a mistake to die, and she'll come back, and my depression and anxiety will go away. Oh my god I am 30. I cant spend fifty more years like this. There is no medication that can safely take the edge off this constant pain. I can't just continually eat to numb it anymore. I can't have sex with people I don't love to quiet it anymore. I can't take up drugs or alcohol, or develop a different eating disorder to distract myself. I got to do something else.
Maybe what I need is to grieve again. I know I made an effort to appear strong, and when my dad started drinking I completely made an effort to prove I was strong, to be strong for him too.
What I also can't do is kill myself. I have to get that thought out of my head. It's just a distraction from solving the problems of my depression and anxiety. It may end my pain, but it would cause problems for people around me. I now have made a promise to a boy in Uganda that I will pay for his education, if I killed myself I would kill his dream. I would upset my friends, I would make them wish they could have done something. I would upset my family who lost their sister and mom. And my dad, he might never recover. He would likely start drinking again, he might even kill himself.
I really need to listen to what I am writing here and take it as red flags. I need to get back into the therapist who can remind me that I am a drama queen, and that things arent so dire. I mean my god, my life is pretty fucking great. It is really great, but I am able to convince myself that it's not. In fact, I may be having a sad mood right now, but I am actually pretty happy for much of the time (I am right? I can still enjoy things, right?) Uh! I think so, I... uh!
Maybe I should go to bed. It's 11:30, there is no reason why I have to be awake right now, wallowing, and digging a deeper and deeper hole of depression for myself. Thats what therapy teaches, to cut that cycle out. I hope I have done that.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Farmers Tan
I spent 2 weeks in Africa and when did I get a sunburn? Here at home in the North of the US! I have a rediculous farmer's burn on my arms from shopping at a neighborhood garage sale in a nearby suburb.
Have I blogged about Hafiz yet? I didn't blog about Uganda much at all did I? I guess I was spending my time being there instead of blogging about it, I really owe it to myself to blog some of my memories from there.
Well one of my best memories was going to the orphans primary school. There is a lot to say but since it is 1:25AM I will just say there was one orphan with a green shirt on who just shined. Jennifer was teaching the kids camp songs, and he participated and had a great time. He was 13 but with no attitude. When we left we both commented on him, and I couldn't get him out of my mind. In the US he would be the class president, the validictorian, but where he was he may not even get to go to college.
I asked Joseph if the kids from the orphan school go to University. Joseph said "thats our goal" I asked if he went to government school if he'd have a higher chance of going to University and he said yes. Fast forward to today, I am Hafiz's sponsor. So today I bought a lot of stuff for Hafiz' family at the garage sale. Unfortunately it might be a waste of money to ship it all.
There has been so much to blog about. I wish so much I was blogging more right now, so I can remember this amazing time in my life, but I suppose I was barely blogging when I was dating Charles either, and that was an amazing time of my life too.
Speaking of dating, Saaed called me today. According to him "Jasmine" was meant for me. He always says "hello beautiful, or hello sunshine, or hello georgeous" so according to him "Jasmine" was another nickname for me "a flower that blooms at night." He was convincing but he had 2 days to come up with a story.
Maybe (probably) my gut is correct, but if not, then I am pushing away a really hot and sweet guy. But come on, if my intuition is telling me something, then there is probably something there. But maybe I am full of anxiety about him because he could hurt me if I let myself develop feelings, because I would fall in love, even deeper then with Charles, who I wasn't physically hot for. And I am still smarting from the failure of the Charles relationship, so any new relationship would be hard.
Apparently he will be back on Monday. I have told him I think he is a ladies man, and his response was "what do you think?" to which I said, "Uh...I think you are a ladies man" If he's not then I sound like such a dork, and if he is then I sound like a dork. I just cant win can I?
Maybe I will give him a chance (if I can allow myself to) just so I don't regret it in the end. My prediction is he is a player, and I will be able to say "I told you so" in the end. Or worse, what if he is infatuated with me and my citizenship. I dont know what it is, I just cant let my guard down with him. I want so much for him to be sincere, though, because he is very sweet and very hot.
Time for bed. Funny story, I thought my roommate was out of town so I emptied out my bedroom into the living room and she came home. At least I left her a voicemail telling her I was going to.
Have I blogged about Hafiz yet? I didn't blog about Uganda much at all did I? I guess I was spending my time being there instead of blogging about it, I really owe it to myself to blog some of my memories from there.
Well one of my best memories was going to the orphans primary school. There is a lot to say but since it is 1:25AM I will just say there was one orphan with a green shirt on who just shined. Jennifer was teaching the kids camp songs, and he participated and had a great time. He was 13 but with no attitude. When we left we both commented on him, and I couldn't get him out of my mind. In the US he would be the class president, the validictorian, but where he was he may not even get to go to college.
I asked Joseph if the kids from the orphan school go to University. Joseph said "thats our goal" I asked if he went to government school if he'd have a higher chance of going to University and he said yes. Fast forward to today, I am Hafiz's sponsor. So today I bought a lot of stuff for Hafiz' family at the garage sale. Unfortunately it might be a waste of money to ship it all.
There has been so much to blog about. I wish so much I was blogging more right now, so I can remember this amazing time in my life, but I suppose I was barely blogging when I was dating Charles either, and that was an amazing time of my life too.
Speaking of dating, Saaed called me today. According to him "Jasmine" was meant for me. He always says "hello beautiful, or hello sunshine, or hello georgeous" so according to him "Jasmine" was another nickname for me "a flower that blooms at night." He was convincing but he had 2 days to come up with a story.
Maybe (probably) my gut is correct, but if not, then I am pushing away a really hot and sweet guy. But come on, if my intuition is telling me something, then there is probably something there. But maybe I am full of anxiety about him because he could hurt me if I let myself develop feelings, because I would fall in love, even deeper then with Charles, who I wasn't physically hot for. And I am still smarting from the failure of the Charles relationship, so any new relationship would be hard.
Apparently he will be back on Monday. I have told him I think he is a ladies man, and his response was "what do you think?" to which I said, "Uh...I think you are a ladies man" If he's not then I sound like such a dork, and if he is then I sound like a dork. I just cant win can I?
Maybe I will give him a chance (if I can allow myself to) just so I don't regret it in the end. My prediction is he is a player, and I will be able to say "I told you so" in the end. Or worse, what if he is infatuated with me and my citizenship. I dont know what it is, I just cant let my guard down with him. I want so much for him to be sincere, though, because he is very sweet and very hot.
Time for bed. Funny story, I thought my roommate was out of town so I emptied out my bedroom into the living room and she came home. At least I left her a voicemail telling her I was going to.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Day 3 & 4 of reduced Risperdal
Besides having a hard time functioning before coffee this morning I have been fine today, even cheery, but last night was a different story.
Instead of calling the new guy Saddiq I am going to call him Saaed. I went straight to Saaed's from work, planning to spend the night, fuck his brains out, and head back to work in the morning. As we walked to his place he said "you should have been there Saturday" (he went to a club) I said what happened? And he didn't have much to say. All of a sudden Ice Queen took over me. I was smiling on the outside, but in the inside I was thinking "that fucker! I am having sex with him and he is picking up chicks"
I took a shower while he made dinner and I was fuming in there! But why? He's not my boyfriend and who's to say I wouldn't date another person if I was asked out. What I felt like was a fool. I felt like he is using me for sex, he is a sweet talker and smoothie and I am just a notch in his bedpost. I decided to go home. I REALLY didn't want to have sex, not feeling cheap and stupid like this.
I got out of the shower and told him my plan. I said I will go home after dinner because I want to sleep tonight "get it? SLEEP" I said. He said I should stay, and I could sleep. I thought "good- I got out of having sex." He was embracing me and kissing me and I was just stiff, I didn't want him touching me. I said "I'm going to lay down on the couch, wake me up when the foods ready"
I laid down but didnt fall asleep. I realized that the way I was thinking is the definition of "a psycho" what people call their exes. No, I was not behaving psychotic but I think the word means, when discussing dating, people who act irrational. I realized if a guy were to be the same way (if he told me about it- I didn't tell Saaed what was going on inside my head) that I would find it unacceptable. So I chilled out and enjoyed the evening.
Before bed I told him "No groping before 5AM" (when I spent the night last week he started initiating things in the middle of the night) Well when the sun was not out yet I woke up and just wrapped my arms around him affectionatly. Next thing I know he is wrapped around me, on top of me, taking of my underwear. I asked "what time is it?" he said "time to have some fun" I said "no fun before 5" and he said "I think it's 5." I let him have sex with me, though I didn't participate much. Afterwards I checked the clock, it was 4:30. I called him on it and he said "It's almost 5" what a fucker.
In the end, my extreme jealousy (likely increased by losing the Risperdal) is really stupid. Lets face it, he's not a boyfriend he's a lover. We don't have flowing conversations, they are mostly about how beautiful I am or how our day was. (favorite subjects of mine.) I am sure I will lose interest in him once the novelty of having sex with such a great looking guy wears off.
In the end, I want to love Charles again. I really do. I saw him the other day and videotaped him, and watching the videotape makes me smile. He is back in Kenya for 2 months now, his mom is sick, I hope she doesn't die. He is pretty rude, he keeps trying to get me to kiss him, I need to be more forceful about stopping him, instead of laughing it off as a joke. Let's be real here, I am stringing him along. My words say "we are over- time to move on" but my body language (and heart) says "wait for me to get these other guys out of my system- then we can get married." Thing is, as long as he is bugging me for kisses, I don't want him, I can't imagine wanting him back until he backs off and gives me my personal space. I think it's me that needs to move on.
Wish me luck as the withdrawl continues!
Instead of calling the new guy Saddiq I am going to call him Saaed. I went straight to Saaed's from work, planning to spend the night, fuck his brains out, and head back to work in the morning. As we walked to his place he said "you should have been there Saturday" (he went to a club) I said what happened? And he didn't have much to say. All of a sudden Ice Queen took over me. I was smiling on the outside, but in the inside I was thinking "that fucker! I am having sex with him and he is picking up chicks"
I took a shower while he made dinner and I was fuming in there! But why? He's not my boyfriend and who's to say I wouldn't date another person if I was asked out. What I felt like was a fool. I felt like he is using me for sex, he is a sweet talker and smoothie and I am just a notch in his bedpost. I decided to go home. I REALLY didn't want to have sex, not feeling cheap and stupid like this.
I got out of the shower and told him my plan. I said I will go home after dinner because I want to sleep tonight "get it? SLEEP" I said. He said I should stay, and I could sleep. I thought "good- I got out of having sex." He was embracing me and kissing me and I was just stiff, I didn't want him touching me. I said "I'm going to lay down on the couch, wake me up when the foods ready"
I laid down but didnt fall asleep. I realized that the way I was thinking is the definition of "a psycho" what people call their exes. No, I was not behaving psychotic but I think the word means, when discussing dating, people who act irrational. I realized if a guy were to be the same way (if he told me about it- I didn't tell Saaed what was going on inside my head) that I would find it unacceptable. So I chilled out and enjoyed the evening.
Before bed I told him "No groping before 5AM" (when I spent the night last week he started initiating things in the middle of the night) Well when the sun was not out yet I woke up and just wrapped my arms around him affectionatly. Next thing I know he is wrapped around me, on top of me, taking of my underwear. I asked "what time is it?" he said "time to have some fun" I said "no fun before 5" and he said "I think it's 5." I let him have sex with me, though I didn't participate much. Afterwards I checked the clock, it was 4:30. I called him on it and he said "It's almost 5" what a fucker.
In the end, my extreme jealousy (likely increased by losing the Risperdal) is really stupid. Lets face it, he's not a boyfriend he's a lover. We don't have flowing conversations, they are mostly about how beautiful I am or how our day was. (favorite subjects of mine.) I am sure I will lose interest in him once the novelty of having sex with such a great looking guy wears off.
In the end, I want to love Charles again. I really do. I saw him the other day and videotaped him, and watching the videotape makes me smile. He is back in Kenya for 2 months now, his mom is sick, I hope she doesn't die. He is pretty rude, he keeps trying to get me to kiss him, I need to be more forceful about stopping him, instead of laughing it off as a joke. Let's be real here, I am stringing him along. My words say "we are over- time to move on" but my body language (and heart) says "wait for me to get these other guys out of my system- then we can get married." Thing is, as long as he is bugging me for kisses, I don't want him, I can't imagine wanting him back until he backs off and gives me my personal space. I think it's me that needs to move on.
Wish me luck as the withdrawl continues!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Lonely
I just went on a date with the man I will call Sadiq. He's so cute, so affectionate, so nice, but I am finding it hard to connect with him. He invited me up to his apartment today, but I will see him tomorrow (and I'm tired) so I decided not to go. The moment was uncomfortable, so I decided to call him and talk to him as I drove home.
It is too difficult to get him to say much. The things I can finally draw out of him arent very detailed anyway.
I am tired as fuck. I am going to bed now instead of moping.
I keep thinking about Charles, I feel as if I already married him, but I forget, he left me looking like an absolute fool for 5 months. I am holding on to something that wasn't the real thing. He claims he made a mistake and can learn from it but some mistakes you cant make if your really invested in a relationship.
I swear I wont die alone. I will find someone. Sadiq is proof. He is showing me that I can get near perfection. If I can get near perfection like him, then I am doing okay. God he is good looking.
It is too difficult to get him to say much. The things I can finally draw out of him arent very detailed anyway.
I am tired as fuck. I am going to bed now instead of moping.
I keep thinking about Charles, I feel as if I already married him, but I forget, he left me looking like an absolute fool for 5 months. I am holding on to something that wasn't the real thing. He claims he made a mistake and can learn from it but some mistakes you cant make if your really invested in a relationship.
I swear I wont die alone. I will find someone. Sadiq is proof. He is showing me that I can get near perfection. If I can get near perfection like him, then I am doing okay. God he is good looking.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Just an ordinary week
This week I...
Spent the night in a condo in Ashville, hiked, and ate meatballs with the parents of my captian.
Took a manila folder out of the garbage discarded by a famous poet, now own a rough draft of a poem, probably written by him, maybe never published, as well as other writings (I will never sell it)
Met a SECOND Buddhist monk.
Contemplated seriously getting back with Charles. Still contemplating it.
Made a BIG DECISION (will fill you in once it's complete)
Visited with an aunt and cousin.
Woke up at 3:20AM my time
Observed myself chatting comfortably in the homes of 2 upper middle class families.
Registered for a 10K walk/run
Cant remember what else, I have been awake 21 hours
bye :)
Spent the night in a condo in Ashville, hiked, and ate meatballs with the parents of my captian.
Took a manila folder out of the garbage discarded by a famous poet, now own a rough draft of a poem, probably written by him, maybe never published, as well as other writings (I will never sell it)
Met a SECOND Buddhist monk.
Contemplated seriously getting back with Charles. Still contemplating it.
Made a BIG DECISION (will fill you in once it's complete)
Visited with an aunt and cousin.
Woke up at 3:20AM my time
Observed myself chatting comfortably in the homes of 2 upper middle class families.
Registered for a 10K walk/run
Cant remember what else, I have been awake 21 hours
bye :)
Monday, April 23, 2007
Love your Neighbor
MMMMM
I just went upstairs, and what I did with my neighbor is not fit for print.
I'm lonely, (and horny) and he is such a sweet guy, I just feel so safe around him, I feel like I can be as wild and honest as I want to be, and he doesn't judge, he appreciates it. And I feel like I can do something like this. I went up to visit him, and immediately when it was done I left so he could go to sleep, but I didn't feel used or seedy, I just felt fine. I didn't feel judged by him, again, I felt appreciated.
Unfortunately, at his age he has some sexual problems too. He wasn't going to give me any sex tonight, but things perked up after we talked awhile.
I really just want to find Mr. right, get married, buy a house, and make babies. I am sick of sleeping with my neighbor, or making out with a pilot, or looking at people on yahoo personals. I keep wondering if Charles is Mr. right, and that I am just afraid of commitment, or that I am racist or xenophobic. But he tried again tonight, if he's Mr. right, wouldn't I jump to it? Is anyone going to be good enough in my eyes? I wonder. I wonder if I am preoccupied with sex. I wondered also if I was preoccupied with money, but now I see that I am not.
I feel frustrated with all this dating and sex stuff. I want the love and trust I had for Charles, plus the sex I had with Alan. And with a guy who has his shit together like Charles. Maybe I should go back to my therapist (she seems to think I am done) but for that matter, she said she thought it was over with Charles.
I will go to bed now. I sort of wish I hadn't written this post, because I was basking in the afterglow, and now I feel sad. Unless I was going to feel sad anyway. Who knows.
I just went upstairs, and what I did with my neighbor is not fit for print.
I'm lonely, (and horny) and he is such a sweet guy, I just feel so safe around him, I feel like I can be as wild and honest as I want to be, and he doesn't judge, he appreciates it. And I feel like I can do something like this. I went up to visit him, and immediately when it was done I left so he could go to sleep, but I didn't feel used or seedy, I just felt fine. I didn't feel judged by him, again, I felt appreciated.
Unfortunately, at his age he has some sexual problems too. He wasn't going to give me any sex tonight, but things perked up after we talked awhile.
I really just want to find Mr. right, get married, buy a house, and make babies. I am sick of sleeping with my neighbor, or making out with a pilot, or looking at people on yahoo personals. I keep wondering if Charles is Mr. right, and that I am just afraid of commitment, or that I am racist or xenophobic. But he tried again tonight, if he's Mr. right, wouldn't I jump to it? Is anyone going to be good enough in my eyes? I wonder. I wonder if I am preoccupied with sex. I wondered also if I was preoccupied with money, but now I see that I am not.
I feel frustrated with all this dating and sex stuff. I want the love and trust I had for Charles, plus the sex I had with Alan. And with a guy who has his shit together like Charles. Maybe I should go back to my therapist (she seems to think I am done) but for that matter, she said she thought it was over with Charles.
I will go to bed now. I sort of wish I hadn't written this post, because I was basking in the afterglow, and now I feel sad. Unless I was going to feel sad anyway. Who knows.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Charles (again)
I hung out with Charles today. He said when I got back from Uganda he wanted us to try and work things out. I don't know what to do. I love him so much, and I am lonely, but I am pretty certian it's over.
He came over to the house and we even kissed a little. I felt something, but then I really wanted to stop. I question if my lack of chemistry had to do with the depth of our love, like it was just too intimate for me, and I couldn't stand the idea of loving someone and letting go of that distance.
I don't know what to write, really. But I do know that when he left I felt better, whatever that tells you.
Uh
He came over to the house and we even kissed a little. I felt something, but then I really wanted to stop. I question if my lack of chemistry had to do with the depth of our love, like it was just too intimate for me, and I couldn't stand the idea of loving someone and letting go of that distance.
I don't know what to write, really. But I do know that when he left I felt better, whatever that tells you.
Uh
Monday, April 16, 2007
Am I hoping for too much?
What I want is to fall in love, and sex like this, at least now and then. Am I asking for too much? Are my expectations too high?
I keep worrying that they are. I am really porking out right now too, which doesn't help matters any.
I had a boy-meeting experience on the plane today. I commented on a man's pin, and he mentioned another pin, that said "stop driving." He tries to drive as little as possible, so I told him about my 5 year car-free life, and my "cars are coffins" water bottle. We clicked. He was balding, maybe late 30's, and maybe shorter than me, but there was something there.
I chatted with him a second time when serving drinks. He was able to identify the Greek and Roman names for the goddess I am named after, and what she is the goddess of. He told me he played accordion (and some other instrument) for a living! He seemed so nice, a calm, confident (but not cocky) look in his eyes...but then I realized, he doesn't wear deodarant. FUCK!
I sat in my jumpseat thinking about it. The reason I click with so few (American) guys is because I am talking to the mainstream guys! I am a hippy on the inside, and so my match is supposed to be a hippy. But I could not handle the idea of dating an accordion player who didn't use deodarant. Accordion player, fine, but I can't be with a guy who doesn't use deodarant!
Plus, the idea of dating a hippy, I feel so much like they would judge me. I am so mainstream. I drink soda with artificial sugar, I work in one of the most polluting industries, I vote for Democrats instead of Greens.
It's like I am neither one. I am not mainstream enough for the mainstream boys, and I am not hippy enough for the hippies. I'm this strange amalgam.
He didn't ask me out. I really thought he would, but oh well. Minus the funk, I was really hoping to get to know more.
I regularly wonder if I should get back with Charles. I really loved him alot. He would be a good father. Of course I wont get back with him, but I think about it a lot.
Nah, I am keeping hope alive. I think I will meet the right guy. In time to have kids? Maybe not. But eventually.
I keep worrying that they are. I am really porking out right now too, which doesn't help matters any.
I had a boy-meeting experience on the plane today. I commented on a man's pin, and he mentioned another pin, that said "stop driving." He tries to drive as little as possible, so I told him about my 5 year car-free life, and my "cars are coffins" water bottle. We clicked. He was balding, maybe late 30's, and maybe shorter than me, but there was something there.
I chatted with him a second time when serving drinks. He was able to identify the Greek and Roman names for the goddess I am named after, and what she is the goddess of. He told me he played accordion (and some other instrument) for a living! He seemed so nice, a calm, confident (but not cocky) look in his eyes...but then I realized, he doesn't wear deodarant. FUCK!
I sat in my jumpseat thinking about it. The reason I click with so few (American) guys is because I am talking to the mainstream guys! I am a hippy on the inside, and so my match is supposed to be a hippy. But I could not handle the idea of dating an accordion player who didn't use deodarant. Accordion player, fine, but I can't be with a guy who doesn't use deodarant!
Plus, the idea of dating a hippy, I feel so much like they would judge me. I am so mainstream. I drink soda with artificial sugar, I work in one of the most polluting industries, I vote for Democrats instead of Greens.
It's like I am neither one. I am not mainstream enough for the mainstream boys, and I am not hippy enough for the hippies. I'm this strange amalgam.
He didn't ask me out. I really thought he would, but oh well. Minus the funk, I was really hoping to get to know more.
I regularly wonder if I should get back with Charles. I really loved him alot. He would be a good father. Of course I wont get back with him, but I think about it a lot.
Nah, I am keeping hope alive. I think I will meet the right guy. In time to have kids? Maybe not. But eventually.
Friday, April 06, 2007
What is going on with my head?
I will start with my nightmare, it was so horrible. I dreamt that there was a delay, and so I left the plane to hang out in a gazebo, and then while sitting in the gazebo I realized that I am never supposed to leave the plane while a passenger is on so I tried to run back to the plane before anyone noticed I left. Then I couldn't find the plane for the life of me, and I ran into the union president, and she just shook her head and said "man that's bad, wish there was something I could do for you." My job was completely gone, and I was devestated. It really drilled in the point how much I love my job.
But why was I having nightmares in the first place? Because I drank two Red Bulls at night, becuase I went to Ashram's hotel, and he was staying up all night so he could catch his 5AM taxi to the airport.
Yes, Ashram again. He got his job back that he quit! I guess they needed him so much that a manager above the one who called him "irresponsible" asked him to come back and now he will deal directly with her, not with the other guy anymore! Wow! Being a data architect has it's perks!
Here's whats screwed up. I really liked him last night. We cuddled and kissed for a short time (I stopped it, but partly because I was SOOOO TIRED.) He was asking me if I liked kids and if I was a "homely girl" (a girl who does things in the home) because it was in the movie "The Guru" (I bought it, I just love that movie.) Maybe it was the Guru that got me so mushy. It has a woman with an unusual sexual lifestyle, and an Indian man who sees that she is a lady, deserving of love anyway. Maybe seeing that, mixed with knowing Ashram for a longer time, and not being fresh from the rejection by Alan, I felt like I really liked him.
Why did I not like him? Well, for one he said something positive about George Bush, I can't think of a bigger turn off. I brought it up the other day and I asked him if he would ever vote for George Bush, he said no. Then there was the fact that he doesn't seem to think I am beautiful, but then when I looked into his eyes last night he said "you think I don't find you beautiful, but the truth is you are too beautiful" or something like that. And I appreciate that he sees personality first (and doesn't seem to have a big ego about his appearance, even though he is told alot by his family that he is handsome)
Maybe I am lonely? Maybe I am excited by the idea of a family, and I see a man who could afford babies as well as give me pretty Indian babies and a wedding with a pretty sari? (positive racism? sure, but I am still thinking it) I am sort of feeling worried that I won't find Mr. right in time for me to have kids...am I enthusiastic because I am seeing a good prospect?
But I also think he is cute, and he has a cute and analytical personality, and is kind. Am I trying to keep myself from liking him to prevent myself from only liking him for his money and ethnic heratige? Thats dumb, because every thing that is positive in a person contributes to what you like about them, so if I am feeling like I am liking him, it's okay if those are contributing factors of why, as long as those aren't the ONLY factors.
But I know we would butt heads, we already do a little. But butting heads is probably better than it was with Charles, where I just worshiped him and wanted to do anything that made him happy, even when it made me unhappy.
I feel anxious thinking about Ashram. I feel like I want to hold back, because I don't want to allow myself to develop feelings for him. Is this a cue that he is wrong for me? Or is it a cue that he could be right for me and I am scared?
At least I am able to take it slow. I said I wanted to keep the kissing sweet and innocent while I figured out how I felt, and he didn't push me, though he did make fun of me when I said breasts count as sweet and innocent.
Maybe I should just live in the present and enjoy his company. I keep driving one hour there and back to see him, so there must be something going for him.
I don't want to think about it anymore right now.
But why was I having nightmares in the first place? Because I drank two Red Bulls at night, becuase I went to Ashram's hotel, and he was staying up all night so he could catch his 5AM taxi to the airport.
Yes, Ashram again. He got his job back that he quit! I guess they needed him so much that a manager above the one who called him "irresponsible" asked him to come back and now he will deal directly with her, not with the other guy anymore! Wow! Being a data architect has it's perks!
Here's whats screwed up. I really liked him last night. We cuddled and kissed for a short time (I stopped it, but partly because I was SOOOO TIRED.) He was asking me if I liked kids and if I was a "homely girl" (a girl who does things in the home) because it was in the movie "The Guru" (I bought it, I just love that movie.) Maybe it was the Guru that got me so mushy. It has a woman with an unusual sexual lifestyle, and an Indian man who sees that she is a lady, deserving of love anyway. Maybe seeing that, mixed with knowing Ashram for a longer time, and not being fresh from the rejection by Alan, I felt like I really liked him.
Why did I not like him? Well, for one he said something positive about George Bush, I can't think of a bigger turn off. I brought it up the other day and I asked him if he would ever vote for George Bush, he said no. Then there was the fact that he doesn't seem to think I am beautiful, but then when I looked into his eyes last night he said "you think I don't find you beautiful, but the truth is you are too beautiful" or something like that. And I appreciate that he sees personality first (and doesn't seem to have a big ego about his appearance, even though he is told alot by his family that he is handsome)
Maybe I am lonely? Maybe I am excited by the idea of a family, and I see a man who could afford babies as well as give me pretty Indian babies and a wedding with a pretty sari? (positive racism? sure, but I am still thinking it) I am sort of feeling worried that I won't find Mr. right in time for me to have kids...am I enthusiastic because I am seeing a good prospect?
But I also think he is cute, and he has a cute and analytical personality, and is kind. Am I trying to keep myself from liking him to prevent myself from only liking him for his money and ethnic heratige? Thats dumb, because every thing that is positive in a person contributes to what you like about them, so if I am feeling like I am liking him, it's okay if those are contributing factors of why, as long as those aren't the ONLY factors.
But I know we would butt heads, we already do a little. But butting heads is probably better than it was with Charles, where I just worshiped him and wanted to do anything that made him happy, even when it made me unhappy.
I feel anxious thinking about Ashram. I feel like I want to hold back, because I don't want to allow myself to develop feelings for him. Is this a cue that he is wrong for me? Or is it a cue that he could be right for me and I am scared?
At least I am able to take it slow. I said I wanted to keep the kissing sweet and innocent while I figured out how I felt, and he didn't push me, though he did make fun of me when I said breasts count as sweet and innocent.
Maybe I should just live in the present and enjoy his company. I keep driving one hour there and back to see him, so there must be something going for him.
I don't want to think about it anymore right now.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
I know for a fact I am not a lesbian
Yup! I found out for sure last night. I thought that maybe I was 30% lesbian, 70% straight, but now I know, I'm 100% straight. Or at least 97%.
I have been cooking a lot lately, and it's better to cook if you have someone to cook for. I called my neighbor and asked him if he wanted some fajitas. I made them and then came up and ate them with him.
It turns out he just had his- get this- FOURTY EIGHTH birthday last week. After my fun with the pilot last week I have felt frisky, so I asked my neighbor if he wanted to make out as his birthday present. We made out for a few minutes, and he insisted we go for a walk.
We went to a local bar. You should have seen the bartender, she gave us the dirtyest looks. She checked my ID too. It was hilarious. We played foosball and air hockey, and went to an awesome dive bar by our house.
At the dive bar we ran into the man who used to live in my apartment! My neighbor and him played some pool, and I learned that he is a cage fighter! I got his phone number and webpage so he could give me a training session.
A girl and a guy were sitting at the table with the cage fighter, and soon they came over and talked to me. So I am not sure how I brought this up, but I asked her if she wanted to have a threesome with my neighbor and me, and I kissed her right there in the bar (kissing a girl feels exactly the same as kissing a guy.)
The three of us ended up in my neighbors apartment and I threw up about 7 times. Which should be the end of the night right? I ruined it all by throwing up. Nope. Somehow we went through with it all, they even both french kissed me.
So I know now, I am not a lesbian at all. Touching her was just like touching myself, so whats the point? It's like touching myself except I dont get the pleasant sensations. I am not a big fan of recieving oral sex so that was nothing, and when I was giving her oral sex it was just flat there, something was missing that was supposed to be there.
She kept saying to me "I'm doing this for you, not for him" and I just wanted to say "Oh really, your not here for the balding 48 year old? Shocker. (But he does have a sexy thing about him.) I really went out of my way to make her feel beautiful. I thought she was far too fat, so I compensated by repeatedly telling her how georgeous she was. She really was beautiful, I just have such body issues that I can't mentally think of her body type as beautiful.
And my neighbor was the worst threesome partner ever. He doesn't do well with condoms, so he was not eagerly having sex with us, although we were both begging for it. He did for a few minutes, but then he stopped, leaving me frustrated. (Him having sex with me was probably the only time I felt really turned on- from what I remember anyway, I was drunk as fuck)
This morning was HIGH-larious. She was so freaked out. She couldn't get out of the place fast enough (thank god- I was worried we might have to exchange numbers and become friends) I was as cheerful and sweet as a fifties housewife, I made pancakes and coffee, but she turned down both, and hightailed her way out. She didn't even stay long enough to find her underwear. Should I give them to the cage fighter and say "your friend left these at my neighbors house"?
So what a great feeling! I know I am not a lesbian. I don't have to be 45 and married and wonder. I used to think that I would only do this if it was in the context of a relationship, but thank god I didn't, because that would suck to really care about someone and then not want to have sex with them. Wait, that was my whole relationship with Charles.
Oh and another thing, I was worried that if I ever had sex with my neighbor that I would become addicted to him. Nope, not a problem. He cant come with a condom on and he kept stopping things right when they were getting hot. (we had sex this morning too) So no worries about becoming addicted to him. But I am still really attracted to him.
So want to hear a funny thing? I would totally do it again. Not with him or with her, but with someone else. It's fun having more than two people. It's like the more the merrier :)
I have been cooking a lot lately, and it's better to cook if you have someone to cook for. I called my neighbor and asked him if he wanted some fajitas. I made them and then came up and ate them with him.
It turns out he just had his- get this- FOURTY EIGHTH birthday last week. After my fun with the pilot last week I have felt frisky, so I asked my neighbor if he wanted to make out as his birthday present. We made out for a few minutes, and he insisted we go for a walk.
We went to a local bar. You should have seen the bartender, she gave us the dirtyest looks. She checked my ID too. It was hilarious. We played foosball and air hockey, and went to an awesome dive bar by our house.
At the dive bar we ran into the man who used to live in my apartment! My neighbor and him played some pool, and I learned that he is a cage fighter! I got his phone number and webpage so he could give me a training session.
A girl and a guy were sitting at the table with the cage fighter, and soon they came over and talked to me. So I am not sure how I brought this up, but I asked her if she wanted to have a threesome with my neighbor and me, and I kissed her right there in the bar (kissing a girl feels exactly the same as kissing a guy.)
The three of us ended up in my neighbors apartment and I threw up about 7 times. Which should be the end of the night right? I ruined it all by throwing up. Nope. Somehow we went through with it all, they even both french kissed me.
So I know now, I am not a lesbian at all. Touching her was just like touching myself, so whats the point? It's like touching myself except I dont get the pleasant sensations. I am not a big fan of recieving oral sex so that was nothing, and when I was giving her oral sex it was just flat there, something was missing that was supposed to be there.
She kept saying to me "I'm doing this for you, not for him" and I just wanted to say "Oh really, your not here for the balding 48 year old? Shocker. (But he does have a sexy thing about him.) I really went out of my way to make her feel beautiful. I thought she was far too fat, so I compensated by repeatedly telling her how georgeous she was. She really was beautiful, I just have such body issues that I can't mentally think of her body type as beautiful.
And my neighbor was the worst threesome partner ever. He doesn't do well with condoms, so he was not eagerly having sex with us, although we were both begging for it. He did for a few minutes, but then he stopped, leaving me frustrated. (Him having sex with me was probably the only time I felt really turned on- from what I remember anyway, I was drunk as fuck)
This morning was HIGH-larious. She was so freaked out. She couldn't get out of the place fast enough (thank god- I was worried we might have to exchange numbers and become friends) I was as cheerful and sweet as a fifties housewife, I made pancakes and coffee, but she turned down both, and hightailed her way out. She didn't even stay long enough to find her underwear. Should I give them to the cage fighter and say "your friend left these at my neighbors house"?
So what a great feeling! I know I am not a lesbian. I don't have to be 45 and married and wonder. I used to think that I would only do this if it was in the context of a relationship, but thank god I didn't, because that would suck to really care about someone and then not want to have sex with them. Wait, that was my whole relationship with Charles.
Oh and another thing, I was worried that if I ever had sex with my neighbor that I would become addicted to him. Nope, not a problem. He cant come with a condom on and he kept stopping things right when they were getting hot. (we had sex this morning too) So no worries about becoming addicted to him. But I am still really attracted to him.
So want to hear a funny thing? I would totally do it again. Not with him or with her, but with someone else. It's fun having more than two people. It's like the more the merrier :)
Friday, March 16, 2007
Lonely night watching YouTube
Oh well, I can't seem to embed the YouTube videos.
Basically tonight I felt really down when I got home. Tonight my sister Linda was crying at her house and it made me want to cry, so I thought tonight when I was feeling down that maybe if I could find a video of someone crying it would set me off and I could feel some release.
I found a video of Dane Cook talking about needing a cry, I wanted to post it. It is funny and it is exactly what was hoping to experience. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLDoJvAdrBM
I did get a cry out, on a video called "Tears of Iraq" where a little child sings "Oh Allah, the streets are stained with blood and death" with video of the Iraqi and American victims of the war in Iraq. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asu-WrzrdN8 But those tears were fleeting, because it is impossible for me to cry about feeling lonely when I am thinking about people with real problems.
Then I saw a video called "Saving Grace" that reminded me of myself, in the end, where the hot girl holds up a sign that says "I need 1,000,000 hits to stop me. Save me" It amazes me that this is universal enough that it makes it on a video. I look at my statcounter dozens of times a day, seeing a new hit gives me a little mental reward, that someone out there is aware of my existance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WCzS5S0kA4
But I couldn't find a good video of someone crying, so I didn't get that long, good feeling cry I was hoping for. I got really depressed for a short period there, but I think thanks to therapy, I could see I was pulling myself down there, and so I brought myself back to reality.
But I did figure out why I am sad. I am very lonely. My roommate left, and she is the closest friend I have made in a long time. Also, for the first time in about a year, I am truly alone. I have no-one to love. Charles may still love me, and I still love him, but the relationship is gone. Alan hurt me pretty bad, and now Ashram is calling me mean, which is unfair, but still hurts.
So now its just little old me, forced to confront myself, with all of my baggage. I know now that I can't live alone. I need my own room, but alone just doesn't work. I need enough distraction to keep me in the present, and not bogged down by the emptiness of being without my mom, and the memories of living in squalor with my dad. Sure I should continue therapy so these things don't bog me down so much, but being distracted helps.
It's going to be a-okay Diana, you'll feel better soon
Basically tonight I felt really down when I got home. Tonight my sister Linda was crying at her house and it made me want to cry, so I thought tonight when I was feeling down that maybe if I could find a video of someone crying it would set me off and I could feel some release.
I found a video of Dane Cook talking about needing a cry, I wanted to post it. It is funny and it is exactly what was hoping to experience. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLDoJvAdrBM
I did get a cry out, on a video called "Tears of Iraq" where a little child sings "Oh Allah, the streets are stained with blood and death" with video of the Iraqi and American victims of the war in Iraq. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asu-WrzrdN8 But those tears were fleeting, because it is impossible for me to cry about feeling lonely when I am thinking about people with real problems.
Then I saw a video called "Saving Grace" that reminded me of myself, in the end, where the hot girl holds up a sign that says "I need 1,000,000 hits to stop me. Save me" It amazes me that this is universal enough that it makes it on a video. I look at my statcounter dozens of times a day, seeing a new hit gives me a little mental reward, that someone out there is aware of my existance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WCzS5S0kA4
But I couldn't find a good video of someone crying, so I didn't get that long, good feeling cry I was hoping for. I got really depressed for a short period there, but I think thanks to therapy, I could see I was pulling myself down there, and so I brought myself back to reality.
But I did figure out why I am sad. I am very lonely. My roommate left, and she is the closest friend I have made in a long time. Also, for the first time in about a year, I am truly alone. I have no-one to love. Charles may still love me, and I still love him, but the relationship is gone. Alan hurt me pretty bad, and now Ashram is calling me mean, which is unfair, but still hurts.
So now its just little old me, forced to confront myself, with all of my baggage. I know now that I can't live alone. I need my own room, but alone just doesn't work. I need enough distraction to keep me in the present, and not bogged down by the emptiness of being without my mom, and the memories of living in squalor with my dad. Sure I should continue therapy so these things don't bog me down so much, but being distracted helps.
It's going to be a-okay Diana, you'll feel better soon
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
My beloved Charles
I saw Charles today, and finally was ready to explain to him, in detail, why we were broken up. (Minus the bad in bed part.) I finally had figured it out for myself, and had the courage to tell him so today I did.
He came over and I told him. I told him that he should not compare our relationship to other relationships because the way our relationship was wasn't healthy, and could not last. I would give in to his needs, because he gave me love, and all he had to do in the relationship is show up.
It started with sex. He wouldn't go down on me (not that big of a deal really) and he would not have sex with me during my period. Then, he pushed me and pushed me and we got tested and got rid of the condoms. I had planned to wait until marriage to give up condoms, and the idea of getting an IUD really scared me (the pill was not an option.) Next, he didn't want to live in my state, and so I decided, okay, I'll follow him, and then finally he wanted us to live together, and eventually I agreed to it (he didn't pressure me about this.) All of this weighed together was alot, but the straw that broke the camel's back was when I told him my needs when he was gone for 5 months, and he disregarded it. I came to find out today that I would have had to work full time while raising kids, I have already stated that I can't handle that much stress.
He asked what he could do to remedy it, I said he can live in this city, not live with me, not have sex (because I don't want it) and if we did have sex, use condoms. I said "lets get married, and we will have sex 3 times, one for each child." Without saying he's bad in bed, I was just honest with him, I didn't want sex. I put my requirements out there of what it would take to get back together, and he could see that those would not be what he wanted.
He still was touchy feely with me, which felt nice, I just pushed him away if he crossed a line. It's really true, I could take him as a boyfriend if we didn't have to kiss or have sex. I can't quite explain that, it might have something to do with me feeling really vulnerable, or maybe he was just really bad in bed and I just lost all interest.
All in all I really admire him, and I really love how great he thinks I am, he says I am one in a million. I wish things could of worked out, but I am honest with him and myself that it wont work out.
I feel like today was a good day.
He came over and I told him. I told him that he should not compare our relationship to other relationships because the way our relationship was wasn't healthy, and could not last. I would give in to his needs, because he gave me love, and all he had to do in the relationship is show up.
It started with sex. He wouldn't go down on me (not that big of a deal really) and he would not have sex with me during my period. Then, he pushed me and pushed me and we got tested and got rid of the condoms. I had planned to wait until marriage to give up condoms, and the idea of getting an IUD really scared me (the pill was not an option.) Next, he didn't want to live in my state, and so I decided, okay, I'll follow him, and then finally he wanted us to live together, and eventually I agreed to it (he didn't pressure me about this.) All of this weighed together was alot, but the straw that broke the camel's back was when I told him my needs when he was gone for 5 months, and he disregarded it. I came to find out today that I would have had to work full time while raising kids, I have already stated that I can't handle that much stress.
He asked what he could do to remedy it, I said he can live in this city, not live with me, not have sex (because I don't want it) and if we did have sex, use condoms. I said "lets get married, and we will have sex 3 times, one for each child." Without saying he's bad in bed, I was just honest with him, I didn't want sex. I put my requirements out there of what it would take to get back together, and he could see that those would not be what he wanted.
He still was touchy feely with me, which felt nice, I just pushed him away if he crossed a line. It's really true, I could take him as a boyfriend if we didn't have to kiss or have sex. I can't quite explain that, it might have something to do with me feeling really vulnerable, or maybe he was just really bad in bed and I just lost all interest.
All in all I really admire him, and I really love how great he thinks I am, he says I am one in a million. I wish things could of worked out, but I am honest with him and myself that it wont work out.
I feel like today was a good day.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
The Hot Tent
Okay, instead of doing dishes I vacuumed the hallways of my apartment building, for a discount of $45 off my rent. (for doing it 3-4 times a month) It ends up being about 9 dollars an hour, which is an okay part time job, it's better than picking up hours on the plane, because the plane takes the piss out of your body.
So I was going to tell you about my Indian Paramour. Well, instead of calling him Ishram I am going to call him Ashram, because Ashram means "hot tent" and I think it is funny to call someone "hot tent" just like it is funny that my nickname, to Morroccans, means "Vagina."
So Ashram didn't call me for 5 days after the laughing in my sleep/missing his flight unneccessarily incident. I figured he blamed me for him missing his flight and decided never to call me again. I examined how I felt, and unfortunately (or fortunately) I felt nothing. I hadn't allowed myself to develop feelings for him, so losing him didn't matter. But then he called me the day before yesterday, the airline lost his bags, so I made plans to see him the night before last.
He quit his prestigious job because they called him "irresponsible" and "not taking the job seriously." In my opinion that is what happened, but as he sees it, he has worked for them for five years, he has never had problems with them, so they were out of line. I can see his perspective to a point, like them saying that was a straw that broke the camel's back for him, but on the other hand, he missed a flight to a job of interviewing people. It is very unprofessional for a business to reschedule interviews at the last minute.
Since he wouldn't be working in my city anymore I thought I would take the opportunity to see him. I picked him up from his flight from Detroit, and we stopped at an Indian take-out restaurant. We then went to Wal-mart to buy me a shirt, (target was closed- damn) since I had nothing to wear to training the next day to my training.
That night I put on a flattering nightgown, not lingere, but one that showed my curves very nicely. I had my hair and makeup done from earlier in the day, and had earrings on. I looked as good as I ever have with him. He didn't bat an eyelash. Me in this outfit like that was enough to get an "oh" but he didn't notice a thing. I said, already knowing the answer, "do you think I'm pretty?" he said "you want me to pay you a compliment?" I said "no, I'd rather you tell me the truth" and then he said "six", I'm like "you think I'm a six?" and from what I remember he verified it. I said "oh" and went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, I was as pretty as I can be at this weight, so I just knew within myself that I am pretty enough to be found attractive by someone, and left the room with that confidence.
We laid out the food and started eating, and he said I seemed sad. I tried to avoid the subject but he persisted. I explained that we would have to be friends because I can't be with someone who doesn't find me attractive. He was very upset. He said what other people think shouldn't matter, and I disagreed, saying it matters if the person is a potential boyfriend. For a few minutes we ate silently.
After dinner he was all over me, begging me to not be mad at him (to which I said, "I'm not mad, I'm sad") so he said "please dont be sad at me" and kept pulling at me and paying attention to me the way a man who is attracted to you should, but at that point my heart was completely shut down. I explained I was stressed about training the next day, and wouldn't feel relaxed until I had gotten ready for bed, and eventually I got away from him. Afterward we kissed awhile, I felt nothing, and I finally went down on him so he would stop kissing me, and didn't even enjoy it, I usually do.
The sad thing is I do sort of like him, but not as much as I liked Charles, and I can already see the problems we would have in the future, so there is no use going on. And my heart is so completely closed off. I can't even enjoy it in the present tense, even though I am a little bit.
I actually could just enjoy talking to him and hanging out with him, except I might hurt him. He has only had one girlfriend before, and he is pretty old fashioned, even if he is modern for his culture and religion. The sad thing is, it is pretty appealing to imagine a future with a man with money who wants a stay at home parent for a partner.
Since I have stopped believing in love, what is the next best thing to strive for, why security of course. If Indians and Pakistanis get married without being in love, why cant I? If I were raised in an Indian culture I would have found a good deal with him, we have long conversations (or debates) and he is very good looking, and has money that he is willing to spend on me (I have spent more on gas than he has spent on me, and I have only allowed him to pay for food, and the one shirt, which he had to talk me into him paying for, by pointing out how much I have spent on gas- so don't judge me!) I really enjoy him as a companion, so if I had to marry someone I didn't love yet, it would be nice.
So I really need to nip this in the bud. I am letting myself get lost in the comfort of settling, which is weird, if I am going to settle, why not settle with Charles, who I truly loved, and maybe love. I think the answer is Ashram doesn't have the power to hurt me, Charles not only had the power to hurt me, he did hurt me.
I can't believe I am about to say this, before I was just stating my feelings, without taking them seriously, but really, if love only works half the time, then what else should we strive for but the best possible living circumstances? I could have my kids, be able to provide for them, and...aw fuck. I don't believe that shit. Just look at my conservative Catholic friend, who married because she was supposed to, because he was a Catholic too. She is miserable, and I would be miserable. There has to be true love there. I would be happier with a man I loved, not able to afford kids, than I would with a man I didn't love, and the ability to afford kids.
You know, that is what this is all about, my fucking biological clock. I have 6, no make that 5 years until complications would be likely. My body is controlling my rational mind. My desire for happiness is being pushed aside for my desire to propogate the species. That is some crazy shit. I never thought I would be the one this would happen to. But it gets worse every year, especially since I have become healthy enough that I am convinced (if I could do it without an additional full time job) that I would do a good job of it.
And it is more then my body, it's my culture. Everyone is settling down and getting houses and babies. I am ready to settle down. I am ready to put my energy into my future. But heaven knows I am only going to have a happy life with a man who respects me as a 100% equal partner. You know what? I need to quit hoping for kids, I really do. If it happens, good for me, but lets be honest...I am behind, a late bloomer. I spent my adolecence worried about my dad and wasn't able to relax and focus on my education and develop normally. What I am, a person with a job and health insurance is more than many kids from my background have.
But god, I dont want to be 40 and alone. My looks are already failing me, by then I wont have any looks left. I want what everyone else seems to have but lets face it, I'm not like everyone else. I think my therapist might tell me that my thinking right now is flawed, and I suppose it is. But geez, I don't want to be alone anymore. Charles cured me of that, now I need to be cured of the need to have someone.
So I was going to tell you about my Indian Paramour. Well, instead of calling him Ishram I am going to call him Ashram, because Ashram means "hot tent" and I think it is funny to call someone "hot tent" just like it is funny that my nickname, to Morroccans, means "Vagina."
So Ashram didn't call me for 5 days after the laughing in my sleep/missing his flight unneccessarily incident. I figured he blamed me for him missing his flight and decided never to call me again. I examined how I felt, and unfortunately (or fortunately) I felt nothing. I hadn't allowed myself to develop feelings for him, so losing him didn't matter. But then he called me the day before yesterday, the airline lost his bags, so I made plans to see him the night before last.
He quit his prestigious job because they called him "irresponsible" and "not taking the job seriously." In my opinion that is what happened, but as he sees it, he has worked for them for five years, he has never had problems with them, so they were out of line. I can see his perspective to a point, like them saying that was a straw that broke the camel's back for him, but on the other hand, he missed a flight to a job of interviewing people. It is very unprofessional for a business to reschedule interviews at the last minute.
Since he wouldn't be working in my city anymore I thought I would take the opportunity to see him. I picked him up from his flight from Detroit, and we stopped at an Indian take-out restaurant. We then went to Wal-mart to buy me a shirt, (target was closed- damn) since I had nothing to wear to training the next day to my training.
That night I put on a flattering nightgown, not lingere, but one that showed my curves very nicely. I had my hair and makeup done from earlier in the day, and had earrings on. I looked as good as I ever have with him. He didn't bat an eyelash. Me in this outfit like that was enough to get an "oh" but he didn't notice a thing. I said, already knowing the answer, "do you think I'm pretty?" he said "you want me to pay you a compliment?" I said "no, I'd rather you tell me the truth" and then he said "six", I'm like "you think I'm a six?" and from what I remember he verified it. I said "oh" and went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, I was as pretty as I can be at this weight, so I just knew within myself that I am pretty enough to be found attractive by someone, and left the room with that confidence.
We laid out the food and started eating, and he said I seemed sad. I tried to avoid the subject but he persisted. I explained that we would have to be friends because I can't be with someone who doesn't find me attractive. He was very upset. He said what other people think shouldn't matter, and I disagreed, saying it matters if the person is a potential boyfriend. For a few minutes we ate silently.
After dinner he was all over me, begging me to not be mad at him (to which I said, "I'm not mad, I'm sad") so he said "please dont be sad at me" and kept pulling at me and paying attention to me the way a man who is attracted to you should, but at that point my heart was completely shut down. I explained I was stressed about training the next day, and wouldn't feel relaxed until I had gotten ready for bed, and eventually I got away from him. Afterward we kissed awhile, I felt nothing, and I finally went down on him so he would stop kissing me, and didn't even enjoy it, I usually do.
The sad thing is I do sort of like him, but not as much as I liked Charles, and I can already see the problems we would have in the future, so there is no use going on. And my heart is so completely closed off. I can't even enjoy it in the present tense, even though I am a little bit.
I actually could just enjoy talking to him and hanging out with him, except I might hurt him. He has only had one girlfriend before, and he is pretty old fashioned, even if he is modern for his culture and religion. The sad thing is, it is pretty appealing to imagine a future with a man with money who wants a stay at home parent for a partner.
Since I have stopped believing in love, what is the next best thing to strive for, why security of course. If Indians and Pakistanis get married without being in love, why cant I? If I were raised in an Indian culture I would have found a good deal with him, we have long conversations (or debates) and he is very good looking, and has money that he is willing to spend on me (I have spent more on gas than he has spent on me, and I have only allowed him to pay for food, and the one shirt, which he had to talk me into him paying for, by pointing out how much I have spent on gas- so don't judge me!) I really enjoy him as a companion, so if I had to marry someone I didn't love yet, it would be nice.
So I really need to nip this in the bud. I am letting myself get lost in the comfort of settling, which is weird, if I am going to settle, why not settle with Charles, who I truly loved, and maybe love. I think the answer is Ashram doesn't have the power to hurt me, Charles not only had the power to hurt me, he did hurt me.
I can't believe I am about to say this, before I was just stating my feelings, without taking them seriously, but really, if love only works half the time, then what else should we strive for but the best possible living circumstances? I could have my kids, be able to provide for them, and...aw fuck. I don't believe that shit. Just look at my conservative Catholic friend, who married because she was supposed to, because he was a Catholic too. She is miserable, and I would be miserable. There has to be true love there. I would be happier with a man I loved, not able to afford kids, than I would with a man I didn't love, and the ability to afford kids.
You know, that is what this is all about, my fucking biological clock. I have 6, no make that 5 years until complications would be likely. My body is controlling my rational mind. My desire for happiness is being pushed aside for my desire to propogate the species. That is some crazy shit. I never thought I would be the one this would happen to. But it gets worse every year, especially since I have become healthy enough that I am convinced (if I could do it without an additional full time job) that I would do a good job of it.
And it is more then my body, it's my culture. Everyone is settling down and getting houses and babies. I am ready to settle down. I am ready to put my energy into my future. But heaven knows I am only going to have a happy life with a man who respects me as a 100% equal partner. You know what? I need to quit hoping for kids, I really do. If it happens, good for me, but lets be honest...I am behind, a late bloomer. I spent my adolecence worried about my dad and wasn't able to relax and focus on my education and develop normally. What I am, a person with a job and health insurance is more than many kids from my background have.
But god, I dont want to be 40 and alone. My looks are already failing me, by then I wont have any looks left. I want what everyone else seems to have but lets face it, I'm not like everyone else. I think my therapist might tell me that my thinking right now is flawed, and I suppose it is. But geez, I don't want to be alone anymore. Charles cured me of that, now I need to be cured of the need to have someone.
Back to my old "old self"
A few posts ago I wrote that I felt like my "old self." That was a fleeting moment and it was an incorrect statement really, because I was feeling like getting things done, but when I was healthier I didn't think about getting things done, I just got them done. I am probably back to my old "old self" the mildly depressed one before I met Charles.
Today I played hooky from training from work. My training lasted 2 days, day one was going over evacuation, medical, and fire procedures, today was to be an active security class and CRM, (no, you dont care enough for me to tell you what CRM is)
Yesterday I had indian food leave my body in the most unpleasant way. This unpleasant way of leaving my body lasted a good 20 minutes, burned, and was unpleasant to be in the same room as. Fortunately it happened at the end of the day, the rumbling started before the final test, and my 20 minute ordeal took place in a room designed for people in wheelchairs and parents who need to change babies, so no one else was aware of the noisy and malodorous exiting taking place. But even so, if this were to continue into today, including the fact that I am on my period, it would be terribly embarrassing. I called in this morning saying I had "digestive problems" that were okay during a sit down class, but not an active security class which was a half truth, but really I was more worried about cramps and getting up so early after the time change.
Fortunately there is another training in April. Maybe by then I will have adjusted to the time change and not be on my period or enjoying the lasting effects of indian food. Still, the post-meeting-Charles old me would have gone to the training. I would have taken a shower and doubled up on my soap usage to counteract the time of the month, and I would have taken an advil to deal with the cramps. I would have shown up, tired as fuck, but I would have drank a strong latte to keep myself alive.
The way I had been feeling about the time I was dating Alan was really great. I wouldn't think alot about getting things done, I would just do them. And dishes werent so bad, they were done in no time. And I loved how my room looked when it was clean.
I am going to do some dishes now and then return and tell you about my weekend with my Indian Paramour.
Today I played hooky from training from work. My training lasted 2 days, day one was going over evacuation, medical, and fire procedures, today was to be an active security class and CRM, (no, you dont care enough for me to tell you what CRM is)
Yesterday I had indian food leave my body in the most unpleasant way. This unpleasant way of leaving my body lasted a good 20 minutes, burned, and was unpleasant to be in the same room as. Fortunately it happened at the end of the day, the rumbling started before the final test, and my 20 minute ordeal took place in a room designed for people in wheelchairs and parents who need to change babies, so no one else was aware of the noisy and malodorous exiting taking place. But even so, if this were to continue into today, including the fact that I am on my period, it would be terribly embarrassing. I called in this morning saying I had "digestive problems" that were okay during a sit down class, but not an active security class which was a half truth, but really I was more worried about cramps and getting up so early after the time change.
Fortunately there is another training in April. Maybe by then I will have adjusted to the time change and not be on my period or enjoying the lasting effects of indian food. Still, the post-meeting-Charles old me would have gone to the training. I would have taken a shower and doubled up on my soap usage to counteract the time of the month, and I would have taken an advil to deal with the cramps. I would have shown up, tired as fuck, but I would have drank a strong latte to keep myself alive.
The way I had been feeling about the time I was dating Alan was really great. I wouldn't think alot about getting things done, I would just do them. And dishes werent so bad, they were done in no time. And I loved how my room looked when it was clean.
I am going to do some dishes now and then return and tell you about my weekend with my Indian Paramour.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
6:59PM, Valentine's Night
When I was in jr. high a bully punched me on the schoolbus. It hurt when it happened, but about ten minutes later it felt really warm and good where he punched me.
My chest hurts a little, sort of achy, but it feels strangely good. Maybe as a person with depression it feels good to feel emotions, even if they hurt. I am listening to Crystal Method with incense burning and the lights low. I feel strangely good.
There is also now the pressure off. I was feeling unsure about him, sensing he might hurt me. Well, he has. I was just saying to someone that I am assuming he thinks I deserve it, since I kissed him the day I broke up with Charles, or maybe because I hung out with Marathon Man the other day (I told him my friend Jack was coming up from Chicago) If he doesn't think I somehow deserve it than why else would he be so mean as to stand me up on Valentine's day? That's MEEEEEAN!
I am now a strong, single woman who is not willing to be treated poorly. I have been treated poorly a hell of a lot in my life, well as the keeper of my destiny it is my responsibility to not let people do that to me anymore. I will still take chances on love, but not be a glutton for punishment. I don't regret continuing to see him even though my gut said it wasn't going well. At least I was aware that I was doing it.
I have come a long way and I deserve good things...hell, I have good things!
My chest hurts a little, sort of achy, but it feels strangely good. Maybe as a person with depression it feels good to feel emotions, even if they hurt. I am listening to Crystal Method with incense burning and the lights low. I feel strangely good.
There is also now the pressure off. I was feeling unsure about him, sensing he might hurt me. Well, he has. I was just saying to someone that I am assuming he thinks I deserve it, since I kissed him the day I broke up with Charles, or maybe because I hung out with Marathon Man the other day (I told him my friend Jack was coming up from Chicago) If he doesn't think I somehow deserve it than why else would he be so mean as to stand me up on Valentine's day? That's MEEEEEAN!
I am now a strong, single woman who is not willing to be treated poorly. I have been treated poorly a hell of a lot in my life, well as the keeper of my destiny it is my responsibility to not let people do that to me anymore. I will still take chances on love, but not be a glutton for punishment. I don't regret continuing to see him even though my gut said it wasn't going well. At least I was aware that I was doing it.
I have come a long way and I deserve good things...hell, I have good things!
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