Uh! You wont believe what I just did! I just called the health department against my company (or the airport.) I am in a southern hub, and a toilet is backed up, and a sign says "toilet is out of order, AGAIN." The bathroom smelled like an outhouse, and it was so bad that when I was trying to wash my hands, I heaved 3 times really strong, and if I had stayed longer I would have thrown up. The last time I gagged like that in a bathroom was in a pit latrine by a hospital in Uganda. I can't believe the employees at an airport are supposed to survive something like that. It is an hour later and I am still sort of nauseous!
It seems stupid to make this a race issue, maybe I should say I think it could be a class issue. Middle class people wouldnt be put in those conditions, and maybe middle class people would know that it is illegal (right?) and know that there is an authority above the managers. In addition, maybe middle class people arent as used to being treated like shit, and when you are abused regularly, you just learn to cope, and save your energy/pick your battles.
One thing is, maybe there are other channels I could go through, like the company, but I don't think it could get that bad without people having already complained to management. I just "can't stomach" being in the city of my airline's headquarters, where the CEO's mansion is, and knowing the employees go through that. And I am not talking about Pilots and Flight Attendants by the way. We spend most of our time upstairs. I am concerned about the rampers, who might have a split second between flights to use the restroom, and not have time to go upstairs.
Predjudice as this might sound, there might be a "southern work ethic" going on here. My e-mail address is in my profile, so you can correct me if you think I am being unfair. For international readers, the North and the South have some cultural differences (there are plenty of regional cultural differences in our large country) and we sort of turn our noses up at each-other. The north, of course, is better, but of course, also, I am from the north, so I do think that. I have to get to my next flight so I cant get too deep into it.
All I can say is I am glad I called. Yes, I am sticking my nose in another city's business, but maybe someone needs to.
Showing posts with label Career. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Career. Show all posts
Friday, April 25, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
Big work news
While writing my last blog post, I recieved a text message about some big news that might affect my job.
Oh PLEASE let me still have a job after this!!!!!!!!
Oh PLEASE let me still have a job after this!!!!!!!!
Saturday, October 13, 2007
The Airline Trick
Here's the trick that the airlines play on employees...you get low pay, difficult hours, and more and more work is piled upon you as jobs are cut, but you get free travel!
Yaaaaay free travel! Who could beat that???
It's a trick.
I wanted to go to Arizona this weekend, I have a long string of days off. Well there are no open seats on any of the flights!!! Many of them are overbooked!
So you get free travel IF you can get time off, money for food and lodging, and onto a flight.
And if you can get on a flight somewhere...good luck getting home!
Yaaaaay free travel! Who could beat that???
It's a trick.
I wanted to go to Arizona this weekend, I have a long string of days off. Well there are no open seats on any of the flights!!! Many of them are overbooked!
So you get free travel IF you can get time off, money for food and lodging, and onto a flight.
And if you can get on a flight somewhere...good luck getting home!
Friday, August 31, 2007
What would my mother think???
She would be shocked! She would say "This isn't what I raised my little girl to be!" She would wonder what she did wrong...why would her baby girl do this to herself?...to be a...HOUSEWIFE?!?!?
I kid, I don't think my mom would be ashamed, but she was a member of NOW, and a big part of the second wave feminist movement, so while she was fighting to get women respect in the workplace, to break the glass ceiling, my dream has become to be a housewife.
More accurately, a part time Flight Attendant, part time volunteer, and full time mom. It's not a dream or an ambition, more of a fantasy job, but I just think I'd love it, and do a great job of it.
First of all the kid thing, I thought that once the Risperdal was gone I wouldn't want kids anymore (I thought it was altering my hormones.) Well, for a week or so I didn't want kids anymore, but it's back with a vengeance. I agreed to sit with a little boy named Ethan while his mom installed his car seat on the plane, and the way his little eyes looked up at me, I can't explain it, it's just the most natural feeling in the world to me. I act very girlish, but put a child next to me, and the woman comes out. I am nurturing and protective and intuitive. I hope I can be a parent one day, if not to my own, to an adopted child or foster child.
The other aspect of being a "housewife" is the cooking and decorating the house. I love the feeling of cooking or baking something amazing (unfortunately I like it better without time constraints- likely story with kids.) Today I baked a red velvet cake with homemade dark chocolate buttercream frosting. I cut the cake into the shape of a 2 for Jane's daughter Daisy's 2nd birthday. I make amazing cakes, they are made from a box, but they are always fun and creative. (But not in a professional way- they are unquestionably amaturish!) I also love making dishes with lots of colorful vegetables. I feel such a satisfaction eating something pretty, yummy, AND healthy.
But "Housewife" is not a career one can aspire to as "Nurse" or "Journalist" is. To be a Housewife you have to be half of a pair, of a couple, and who knows what will happen there. I am not saying that I CANT find someone, but I do question if I will find someone who meets my lofty standards, or if I can change my standards and remain happy.
Last night, for the first time, I imagined dating Charles again. Imagining having sex with him did not stop me. I guess I remembered what made me love him. He would be a good father, and he'd be available within my reproductive years, but I am not rushing back. If he would not respond when I was extremely upset, what does that say for our future, and conflicts that would naturally arise?
...uh, people, I don't think that I will ever find someone who meets my standards. I have this thing where the guy has to be spectacular in some way. A cell-phone salesman? No. Why? I don't know. It's not money, because I could fall for an artist, or an aid-worker, but it's something about amazing men that drive me crazy. I guess it's inspiration. But I also want him to be mentally balanced and a good communicator, OOP- and don't forget, the chemistry has to be great. Any spectacular man, especially a good communicator, will be noticed. And I have realized that many of them have gotten married in the last 5 years. Yes, I could catch them after they get divorced (romantic, arent I?) but by then I can't get my babies.
It's a tough one people. I read that there is a "disqualifying" Obsessive Cumpulsive Disorder, where you look for a flaw and then break up once you can find it. I think I have that. Time for more therapy.
So the housewife is only a dream, I accept that it might not be realistic. It's realistic, but to have that, and the type of relationship that I want in a marriage, may be too rare to get. So be it.
In the end I really want a family. I haven't had a strong, healthy, close family bond since when my mom was alive. And I suppose my dad and step mom were a family for those 2 years after she died. I would just love the daily hugs and "I love yous" and to get to put little notes in my kid's lunch boxes. Oh my god you don't know what it does to me to imagine putting notes im my kid's lunch box...I'm calling Charles. (just kidding)
I know my mom would support me, no matter what my choice was, as long as it fulfilled me.
I kid, I don't think my mom would be ashamed, but she was a member of NOW, and a big part of the second wave feminist movement, so while she was fighting to get women respect in the workplace, to break the glass ceiling, my dream has become to be a housewife.
More accurately, a part time Flight Attendant, part time volunteer, and full time mom. It's not a dream or an ambition, more of a fantasy job, but I just think I'd love it, and do a great job of it.
First of all the kid thing, I thought that once the Risperdal was gone I wouldn't want kids anymore (I thought it was altering my hormones.) Well, for a week or so I didn't want kids anymore, but it's back with a vengeance. I agreed to sit with a little boy named Ethan while his mom installed his car seat on the plane, and the way his little eyes looked up at me, I can't explain it, it's just the most natural feeling in the world to me. I act very girlish, but put a child next to me, and the woman comes out. I am nurturing and protective and intuitive. I hope I can be a parent one day, if not to my own, to an adopted child or foster child.
The other aspect of being a "housewife" is the cooking and decorating the house. I love the feeling of cooking or baking something amazing (unfortunately I like it better without time constraints- likely story with kids.) Today I baked a red velvet cake with homemade dark chocolate buttercream frosting. I cut the cake into the shape of a 2 for Jane's daughter Daisy's 2nd birthday. I make amazing cakes, they are made from a box, but they are always fun and creative. (But not in a professional way- they are unquestionably amaturish!) I also love making dishes with lots of colorful vegetables. I feel such a satisfaction eating something pretty, yummy, AND healthy.
But "Housewife" is not a career one can aspire to as "Nurse" or "Journalist" is. To be a Housewife you have to be half of a pair, of a couple, and who knows what will happen there. I am not saying that I CANT find someone, but I do question if I will find someone who meets my lofty standards, or if I can change my standards and remain happy.
Last night, for the first time, I imagined dating Charles again. Imagining having sex with him did not stop me. I guess I remembered what made me love him. He would be a good father, and he'd be available within my reproductive years, but I am not rushing back. If he would not respond when I was extremely upset, what does that say for our future, and conflicts that would naturally arise?
...uh, people, I don't think that I will ever find someone who meets my standards. I have this thing where the guy has to be spectacular in some way. A cell-phone salesman? No. Why? I don't know. It's not money, because I could fall for an artist, or an aid-worker, but it's something about amazing men that drive me crazy. I guess it's inspiration. But I also want him to be mentally balanced and a good communicator, OOP- and don't forget, the chemistry has to be great. Any spectacular man, especially a good communicator, will be noticed. And I have realized that many of them have gotten married in the last 5 years. Yes, I could catch them after they get divorced (romantic, arent I?) but by then I can't get my babies.
It's a tough one people. I read that there is a "disqualifying" Obsessive Cumpulsive Disorder, where you look for a flaw and then break up once you can find it. I think I have that. Time for more therapy.
So the housewife is only a dream, I accept that it might not be realistic. It's realistic, but to have that, and the type of relationship that I want in a marriage, may be too rare to get. So be it.
In the end I really want a family. I haven't had a strong, healthy, close family bond since when my mom was alive. And I suppose my dad and step mom were a family for those 2 years after she died. I would just love the daily hugs and "I love yous" and to get to put little notes in my kid's lunch boxes. Oh my god you don't know what it does to me to imagine putting notes im my kid's lunch box...I'm calling Charles. (just kidding)
I know my mom would support me, no matter what my choice was, as long as it fulfilled me.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Last Days in Uganda
Today Jennifer leaves, and I leave the day after tomorrow. I wish that I would have had more time and access to blog more often so I would have recorded my range of emotions, but I only blogged twice, so all you will see is this, I'm tired.
Vacations are tiring in general, but what is really tiring is being a Mzungu (white) in barganing Uganda. Everyone assumes you have a lot of money so they charge more for things if you are a Mzungu. Jennifer was a volunteer in Uganda so she had to keep her costs down to Ugandan prices, so I have learned just how much they inflate the prices for us.
So what am I to do when I am alone without Jennifer? Should I pay the prices they ask, knowing they are unfair? Should I bargain down to Ugandan prices, keeping the people from making money they could use (thats not an option, I am giving money to a Ugandan who needs it more, the orphan scholar.) So that means I have to bargain with people tomorrow, especially for transportation. That is so frustrating.
Tomorrow I am going to a chimp island to watch them feed. I will be paying $55 for the boat ride and the feeding. I hope it is worth it. I am scared, frankly, to be alone here. I don't think anything will happen to me, but I stand out like a sore thumb here and without Jen with me I will be more self-concious. the worst part will be the barganing.
There is an upside. Jen lived in Morocco for years, and if you even get eye contact there with someone you set yourself up to be harrassed, so she can seem a little cold. I wonder if I will have a better experience since I am a warm person, or maybe I will have a worse experience since I will look more like a target.
People really do see white skin as equivilent to wealthy. Many white Americans are unable to distinguish different classes of black people, it appears many Ugandans are unable to distinguish different classes of white people. We were in a ritzy hotel yesterday and no one seemed to notice that we really didn't belong there.
I hoped that this trip would change me, unfortunately it didn't change me the way I hoped. Instead of being inspired to dedicate my life to helping, it has hardened me. I can now see the lifestyle of people in the poorest parts of the world, am aware just how much of the world is like that, and so see that the problems are too big for me to make a noticible dent.
On the other hand, I feel very excited about sponsoring the orphan. He has great potential, and I feel that the money that goes to his education will help exponentially, unlike a meal handed to a beggar. I will keep you up to date with his progress.
And I do have the bug in me. I want to go to India next summer. I know now that I can handle witnessing the poverty. And after feeling important, being treated like I was a volunteer, when really I was just a tourist, felt good. Maybe if I went back to school and became a Physical Therapist I could feel that again. I could donate time offering Physical Therapy to people who cant afford it.
I don't know how I feel when I get back, maybe I will wish I was back here, maybe I will be glad I am home with my privledges like free running water, flushing toilets, and set prices. It will probably be both.
Vacations are tiring in general, but what is really tiring is being a Mzungu (white) in barganing Uganda. Everyone assumes you have a lot of money so they charge more for things if you are a Mzungu. Jennifer was a volunteer in Uganda so she had to keep her costs down to Ugandan prices, so I have learned just how much they inflate the prices for us.
So what am I to do when I am alone without Jennifer? Should I pay the prices they ask, knowing they are unfair? Should I bargain down to Ugandan prices, keeping the people from making money they could use (thats not an option, I am giving money to a Ugandan who needs it more, the orphan scholar.) So that means I have to bargain with people tomorrow, especially for transportation. That is so frustrating.
Tomorrow I am going to a chimp island to watch them feed. I will be paying $55 for the boat ride and the feeding. I hope it is worth it. I am scared, frankly, to be alone here. I don't think anything will happen to me, but I stand out like a sore thumb here and without Jen with me I will be more self-concious. the worst part will be the barganing.
There is an upside. Jen lived in Morocco for years, and if you even get eye contact there with someone you set yourself up to be harrassed, so she can seem a little cold. I wonder if I will have a better experience since I am a warm person, or maybe I will have a worse experience since I will look more like a target.
People really do see white skin as equivilent to wealthy. Many white Americans are unable to distinguish different classes of black people, it appears many Ugandans are unable to distinguish different classes of white people. We were in a ritzy hotel yesterday and no one seemed to notice that we really didn't belong there.
I hoped that this trip would change me, unfortunately it didn't change me the way I hoped. Instead of being inspired to dedicate my life to helping, it has hardened me. I can now see the lifestyle of people in the poorest parts of the world, am aware just how much of the world is like that, and so see that the problems are too big for me to make a noticible dent.
On the other hand, I feel very excited about sponsoring the orphan. He has great potential, and I feel that the money that goes to his education will help exponentially, unlike a meal handed to a beggar. I will keep you up to date with his progress.
And I do have the bug in me. I want to go to India next summer. I know now that I can handle witnessing the poverty. And after feeling important, being treated like I was a volunteer, when really I was just a tourist, felt good. Maybe if I went back to school and became a Physical Therapist I could feel that again. I could donate time offering Physical Therapy to people who cant afford it.
I don't know how I feel when I get back, maybe I will wish I was back here, maybe I will be glad I am home with my privledges like free running water, flushing toilets, and set prices. It will probably be both.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
I love my Grandpa
I didn't tell you this, because I was tired off my ass, but my Grandpa just sent me the most rediculous check last week. He has made the very kind choice to give me the money he would have given my mother, and as time passes he ditributes more and more.
I called him today to thank him, and we had a great conversation. He says he feels old and forgetfull, but not that he sees the end coming (a big check like this worried me) He sounded really good actually.
He made me laugh out loud, he told me a story about trying to learn the violin, but everytime he practiced the dog would leave and not come back for hours. But the best part of the conversation was, I asked him what he wanted from me, and he said he wanted me to be doing something that makes me happy, as in he supports my choice to be a flight attendant. He even was supportive when I told him I was unsure if I should go back to school or go to an airline that flies internationally. That meant so much to me.
Grandpa was the one I was most worried about being disappointed in me. He was a college professor, and education is very valued in the family. But he, like it seems everyone in the family, have been very supportive. I think they all saw how hard I took it when I dropped out of college (well, I guess I dropped out because I was suicidal, not the other way around, but I was suicidal because I knew I couldn't finiah college.) I am so grateful for their support.
Minus my dad, I am very lucky to have the family I do. They are pretty great. My dad isn't horrible either, but he really let me down when I really needed him, and I see he is trying to make it right, and he is taking care of himself, so I should be happy about that.
I called him today to thank him, and we had a great conversation. He says he feels old and forgetfull, but not that he sees the end coming (a big check like this worried me) He sounded really good actually.
He made me laugh out loud, he told me a story about trying to learn the violin, but everytime he practiced the dog would leave and not come back for hours. But the best part of the conversation was, I asked him what he wanted from me, and he said he wanted me to be doing something that makes me happy, as in he supports my choice to be a flight attendant. He even was supportive when I told him I was unsure if I should go back to school or go to an airline that flies internationally. That meant so much to me.
Grandpa was the one I was most worried about being disappointed in me. He was a college professor, and education is very valued in the family. But he, like it seems everyone in the family, have been very supportive. I think they all saw how hard I took it when I dropped out of college (well, I guess I dropped out because I was suicidal, not the other way around, but I was suicidal because I knew I couldn't finiah college.) I am so grateful for their support.
Minus my dad, I am very lucky to have the family I do. They are pretty great. My dad isn't horrible either, but he really let me down when I really needed him, and I see he is trying to make it right, and he is taking care of himself, so I should be happy about that.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Be a flight attendant, get paid $1360 a month!
I called mainline and found out I would be making 1360/month. While I could afford to do that, since my monthly expenses minus food and entertainment come to only 1064/month, I don't want to live that way again. I paid my dues already.
The whole reason I was contemplating this airline is they have a hub in my city. If you live in a city different than your hub, life is pretty much hell, and it would cost at least 200/m extra, because you would need a crash pad. Well, the lady was really shifty on the phone, basically I dont think my hub will be available. So whats the point of going mainline? I could go to a good airline like Southwest or Continental if I was going to live away from base.
So mainline is out the window. There is an airline with a good reputation in my city that I might apply at whe they are hiring. I have a friend there and she really likes it.
Heres to those of you who think you can't live on 1372.80/month
375/mo- room in two bedroom apartment in a dangerous neighborhood
35/mo- minimum payment on your maxxed out credit card
50/mo- antidepressants
300/mo-car payment/insurance/Gas (just hope it doesn't break down)
50/mo-cell phone bill (you dont have a land line)
15/mo- electricity (your half)
150/mo- student loans (you have deferred them as long as they would let you)
28/mo- Save the children (the child in bangladesh you sponser to remember how good you have it)
That leaves you with 369 for taxes, health insurance, food and entertainment. You really dont NEED to eat vegetables, many people in this world survive on beans and rice. And for entertainment you can split basic cable with your roommate for only 12 dollars a month!
...and as the added bonus, all you can grab from the dumpster
The whole reason I was contemplating this airline is they have a hub in my city. If you live in a city different than your hub, life is pretty much hell, and it would cost at least 200/m extra, because you would need a crash pad. Well, the lady was really shifty on the phone, basically I dont think my hub will be available. So whats the point of going mainline? I could go to a good airline like Southwest or Continental if I was going to live away from base.
So mainline is out the window. There is an airline with a good reputation in my city that I might apply at whe they are hiring. I have a friend there and she really likes it.
Heres to those of you who think you can't live on 1372.80/month
375/mo- room in two bedroom apartment in a dangerous neighborhood
35/mo- minimum payment on your maxxed out credit card
50/mo- antidepressants
300/mo-car payment/insurance/Gas (just hope it doesn't break down)
50/mo-cell phone bill (you dont have a land line)
15/mo- electricity (your half)
150/mo- student loans (you have deferred them as long as they would let you)
28/mo- Save the children (the child in bangladesh you sponser to remember how good you have it)
That leaves you with 369 for taxes, health insurance, food and entertainment. You really dont NEED to eat vegetables, many people in this world survive on beans and rice. And for entertainment you can split basic cable with your roommate for only 12 dollars a month!
...and as the added bonus, all you can grab from the dumpster
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Withdrawing my application
You know what? I think I am going to call mainline and withdraw my application tomorrow. Too sleazy, they are just too sleazy. A movie has even been made about how bad this company is. Sleazy, sleazy, sleazy.
In a haze
Oh gosh, I have had so many thoughts and feelings today, I have so much to write about, but I am in such a haze. I am really tired from a lack of sleep and from 5 legs of flying today, as well as being two days behind on medication.
First off, the milky teets thing, the novelty is wearing off. It's a real fucking miracle and all when it happens for a baby, but when it's happening because your hormones are just out of whack, its not as cool. My boobs dont hurt, but I am very aware of them. I feel like a mother minus the joy of a new child and a loving husband to go home to (besides ostrich DNA splicing guy of course)
----ooh, side note, I google stalked him and sent him an e-mail. I hopefully phrased everything in a way that it wasn't creepy (maybe I'll post it) I havent recieved a mailer daemon message so thats good-----
So, guess what I learned today, mainline...yeah. Uh, rumor has it mainline starts at $16,000 a year. Yup. 16. No typo. I'll be honest, I didn't feel that scandalized that my airline starts at that, because my airline is the regionals, it's like the minor leagues. You have to tough it out in the beginning to pay your dues. So I have paid my dues, as I have felt is acceptable for the industry, but now mainline expects me to pay my dues again?
It would make sense if I lost about $1,000 a year having to start at a new company on the bottom, but $16,000? I just started being able to afford to eat vegetables, I own a car now. I live a very small, modest life. $20,000 does not get you very much. I have just upgraded to being able to eat vegetables, buy the first shirt not from a thrift store in nearly 2 years, and get to go on vacation (an F/A affording to go use her flying benefits? someone better put a stop to this!) How can I scale back from my already scaled back life? (I could park my car and stop driving and paying insurance I guess [that made me tear up a little- I just got a car for the first time in years!])
And I am learning that mainline is sleazy. I am talking Enron sleazy. They lied about how much money they had so they could go into bankruptsy and break the flight crew's contracts. I heard they are paying off the judge overseeing the case. I want to name names so bad, the only reason I am not is because it would reveal part of my identity, but I want so much to hold up its name, shout it loud, and let everyone know how bad this company is. I am having second thoughts about working there (I will still interview) I don't want to spend my life looking over my shoulder thinking my company will raid me for everything I have worked for (they seem like the type of company that after 50 years would find a way to not give you your 401K match!)
There is a well liked company in my city that I might try for. It doesn't fly internationally though :( But it's a better trade off to feel a little security than to feel paranoid and crabby all the time, just to go to Japan and be jet-lagged the whole time.
I am having fun on the personals site. I am corresponding with a guy who works in "post-production" in films and bakes in his spare time and an Astrophysicist. No, neither of them live in my city, but one step at a time, right? I even effectively blew off my first psycho, I am proud of that because in the past I would have felt obliged to meet him even though his 8 paragraph rant on George Bush in his first e-mail to me really weirded me out.
One last thing, I am no longer afraid of going off my medication during pregnancy. Today, when suffering from medication withdrawl I felt a lot of tension and thought some irrational things (like about bloody revolutions against corporate greed like the ones that took place in the olden days) but I knew that the ways I was thinking was not natural for me. I saw the bad feelings as abnormal and the calm feelings as normal, and not the other way around like before therapy and risperdal. Also Buddhism is easier to study when you aren't happy. It's easier to tell you are doing something right when you feel it in contrast to pain. Hard to explain what I mean.
If I have a good support system, I think I will not only survive without medication during pregnancy and breastfeeding, I will grow from it.
Okay- I SO gotta go to sleep!
First off, the milky teets thing, the novelty is wearing off. It's a real fucking miracle and all when it happens for a baby, but when it's happening because your hormones are just out of whack, its not as cool. My boobs dont hurt, but I am very aware of them. I feel like a mother minus the joy of a new child and a loving husband to go home to (besides ostrich DNA splicing guy of course)
----ooh, side note, I google stalked him and sent him an e-mail. I hopefully phrased everything in a way that it wasn't creepy (maybe I'll post it) I havent recieved a mailer daemon message so thats good-----
So, guess what I learned today, mainline...yeah. Uh, rumor has it mainline starts at $16,000 a year. Yup. 16. No typo. I'll be honest, I didn't feel that scandalized that my airline starts at that, because my airline is the regionals, it's like the minor leagues. You have to tough it out in the beginning to pay your dues. So I have paid my dues, as I have felt is acceptable for the industry, but now mainline expects me to pay my dues again?
It would make sense if I lost about $1,000 a year having to start at a new company on the bottom, but $16,000? I just started being able to afford to eat vegetables, I own a car now. I live a very small, modest life. $20,000 does not get you very much. I have just upgraded to being able to eat vegetables, buy the first shirt not from a thrift store in nearly 2 years, and get to go on vacation (an F/A affording to go use her flying benefits? someone better put a stop to this!) How can I scale back from my already scaled back life? (I could park my car and stop driving and paying insurance I guess [that made me tear up a little- I just got a car for the first time in years!])
And I am learning that mainline is sleazy. I am talking Enron sleazy. They lied about how much money they had so they could go into bankruptsy and break the flight crew's contracts. I heard they are paying off the judge overseeing the case. I want to name names so bad, the only reason I am not is because it would reveal part of my identity, but I want so much to hold up its name, shout it loud, and let everyone know how bad this company is. I am having second thoughts about working there (I will still interview) I don't want to spend my life looking over my shoulder thinking my company will raid me for everything I have worked for (they seem like the type of company that after 50 years would find a way to not give you your 401K match!)
There is a well liked company in my city that I might try for. It doesn't fly internationally though :( But it's a better trade off to feel a little security than to feel paranoid and crabby all the time, just to go to Japan and be jet-lagged the whole time.
I am having fun on the personals site. I am corresponding with a guy who works in "post-production" in films and bakes in his spare time and an Astrophysicist. No, neither of them live in my city, but one step at a time, right? I even effectively blew off my first psycho, I am proud of that because in the past I would have felt obliged to meet him even though his 8 paragraph rant on George Bush in his first e-mail to me really weirded me out.
One last thing, I am no longer afraid of going off my medication during pregnancy. Today, when suffering from medication withdrawl I felt a lot of tension and thought some irrational things (like about bloody revolutions against corporate greed like the ones that took place in the olden days) but I knew that the ways I was thinking was not natural for me. I saw the bad feelings as abnormal and the calm feelings as normal, and not the other way around like before therapy and risperdal. Also Buddhism is easier to study when you aren't happy. It's easier to tell you are doing something right when you feel it in contrast to pain. Hard to explain what I mean.
If I have a good support system, I think I will not only survive without medication during pregnancy and breastfeeding, I will grow from it.
Okay- I SO gotta go to sleep!
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Got Milk?
Well I have a doctor's appointment, and got to speak with a triage nurse on the phone today. She told me I probably do not need to be concerned, it is likely a reaction to the vaccinations. Phew!
I was quite worried. More worried about losing the risperdal than of having a brain tumor. If I had a brain tumor and anxiety medication, I could keep things in perspective and have the strength to go through whatever I need to. If I didn't have anxiety medication or a brain tumor, I would still be as stressed if I did have a brain tumor.
The risperdal, like the ativan I had in 2001, is like a lifeline. I am normal all of a sudden (well, I wouldn't go that far) I am able to function in society, I'll say that. To take away the risperdal would be taking away flying for mainline, falling in love, so much. I feel like I can be myself when my anxiety is managed, I am just so preoccupied with rediculous things when it isn't.
If this milk thing isn't something to worry about than I must say it is so cool. Seeing milk come out of my breasts just made me feel like a goddess. I could FEED A HUMAN BEING! It is such an amazing miracle. Like watching the mice I bred to feed my snake reproduce, but better ;) While I was serching online I learned that when a baby is born the mother produces colostrum, which is full of immune boosters, then as the baby starts suckling the body produces milk! Oh my god I am more in love with my children- how could that be? I pray I am fertile. I will give up my anti-depressants and risperdal for pregnancy in a heartbeat (a well thought out heartbeat with a lot of medical and personal support of course) I can't BELIEVE what a miracle creating a new life is! (here's what will happen- I will find out I am actually pregnant- THEN lets see what a miracle I think pregnancy is! Hee hee)
I will keep you up to date!
I was quite worried. More worried about losing the risperdal than of having a brain tumor. If I had a brain tumor and anxiety medication, I could keep things in perspective and have the strength to go through whatever I need to. If I didn't have anxiety medication or a brain tumor, I would still be as stressed if I did have a brain tumor.
The risperdal, like the ativan I had in 2001, is like a lifeline. I am normal all of a sudden (well, I wouldn't go that far) I am able to function in society, I'll say that. To take away the risperdal would be taking away flying for mainline, falling in love, so much. I feel like I can be myself when my anxiety is managed, I am just so preoccupied with rediculous things when it isn't.
If this milk thing isn't something to worry about than I must say it is so cool. Seeing milk come out of my breasts just made me feel like a goddess. I could FEED A HUMAN BEING! It is such an amazing miracle. Like watching the mice I bred to feed my snake reproduce, but better ;) While I was serching online I learned that when a baby is born the mother produces colostrum, which is full of immune boosters, then as the baby starts suckling the body produces milk! Oh my god I am more in love with my children- how could that be? I pray I am fertile. I will give up my anti-depressants and risperdal for pregnancy in a heartbeat (a well thought out heartbeat with a lot of medical and personal support of course) I can't BELIEVE what a miracle creating a new life is! (here's what will happen- I will find out I am actually pregnant- THEN lets see what a miracle I think pregnancy is! Hee hee)
I will keep you up to date!
Sunday, April 29, 2007
...And the BIIIIIIIIIIIIG news is...
I applied at Mainline!
You heard me! I am going to apply and interview, I am not certian I will work there, but I have decided to go this far, and make my decision after I am (hopefully) offered the job.
If I had my druthers I would stay where I am and just get paid more. Mainline F/A's are SO CRABBY and I will have to work with them, when I would rather work alone. I will have to put up with cliqueiness, but I think I am ready to handle that.
There were two deciding factors, the big one is they are hiring like 1000 people, so the sooner I get in the more senority I will have, and I can be based where I live (I would never have the courage to take a pay cut & have to switch bases.)
The second deciding factor is I am SOFA KING tired of being SOFA KING poor! I can't afford a condo, I can't afford to have kids, and if I stay where I am I am going to end up 50 in the same financial place. I can survive being poor now, but I want something to show for my life's work when I get older.
Will I get the job? Well Lorraine got hired there! BWAH HA HA HA HA
You heard me! I am going to apply and interview, I am not certian I will work there, but I have decided to go this far, and make my decision after I am (hopefully) offered the job.
If I had my druthers I would stay where I am and just get paid more. Mainline F/A's are SO CRABBY and I will have to work with them, when I would rather work alone. I will have to put up with cliqueiness, but I think I am ready to handle that.
There were two deciding factors, the big one is they are hiring like 1000 people, so the sooner I get in the more senority I will have, and I can be based where I live (I would never have the courage to take a pay cut & have to switch bases.)
The second deciding factor is I am SOFA KING tired of being SOFA KING poor! I can't afford a condo, I can't afford to have kids, and if I stay where I am I am going to end up 50 in the same financial place. I can survive being poor now, but I want something to show for my life's work when I get older.
Will I get the job? Well Lorraine got hired there! BWAH HA HA HA HA
Friday, April 27, 2007
Just an ordinary week
This week I...
Spent the night in a condo in Ashville, hiked, and ate meatballs with the parents of my captian.
Took a manila folder out of the garbage discarded by a famous poet, now own a rough draft of a poem, probably written by him, maybe never published, as well as other writings (I will never sell it)
Met a SECOND Buddhist monk.
Contemplated seriously getting back with Charles. Still contemplating it.
Made a BIG DECISION (will fill you in once it's complete)
Visited with an aunt and cousin.
Woke up at 3:20AM my time
Observed myself chatting comfortably in the homes of 2 upper middle class families.
Registered for a 10K walk/run
Cant remember what else, I have been awake 21 hours
bye :)
Spent the night in a condo in Ashville, hiked, and ate meatballs with the parents of my captian.
Took a manila folder out of the garbage discarded by a famous poet, now own a rough draft of a poem, probably written by him, maybe never published, as well as other writings (I will never sell it)
Met a SECOND Buddhist monk.
Contemplated seriously getting back with Charles. Still contemplating it.
Made a BIG DECISION (will fill you in once it's complete)
Visited with an aunt and cousin.
Woke up at 3:20AM my time
Observed myself chatting comfortably in the homes of 2 upper middle class families.
Registered for a 10K walk/run
Cant remember what else, I have been awake 21 hours
bye :)
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Oh my Buddha!
Today was weird (but cool!)
I ended up at work early becuase I had given myself a lot of extra time to get there, and managed to avoid the worst traffic by taking small highways. I turned in some paperwork and did my first turn for the day.
When I got to the elevator to my crew lounge there was a Buddhist monk sitting on one of the seats. I went up to him and asked him if I could buy him lunch. I don't know if this was weird of me to offer, I read that in Asian buddhism people do nice things for the monks to improve their Karma, so I hope it wasn't too weird to him. He didn't understand me right away (I think he was Tibetan) but he said "I already ate" I said "okay" and left. That might have been weird, but I just didn't want to bug him I guess.
I went downstairs to pickup the rollerbag the company buys for F/As of one year senority, and brought it up the elevator. As if all the Buddhas and Bottisatvas told him I was coming up at that moment, when the door opened the monk was looking in my direction with a gentle smile on his face. Oh my god I wanted to talk to him so bad! He was sitting there so peacefully, I just wanted to be in his presence. I smiled and waved at him and he nodded and smiled. I kept going towards the exit, but wished he had accepted lunch, or that I had offered him ice cream or something. But I didn't want to bug him, so I went back to my car, but in the glowy-est mood just having been around him. The presence he gave off is the presence I want to have, and I just felt calm and happy :)
On my flight to Tennesee a sort of loud blonde flight attendant sat in the front seat. We chatted a little, she was telling me of how she was planning to cheat on her husband. It was what she had to do, apparently, to stay married to him. She was in her late 30's and I could tell by looking at her that she was at one time very attractive. She had a California accent too young for her face. I looked at her and could see how some of the girls I am jealous of today will be in the future, and knew I didn't want that.
She ended up telling me that she was going to rehab. She was obviously scared, but covering it with a smile. She told me about the night before, when she got really drunk and made out with a 22 year old. She told me about the time she kissed a professional football player, and when his wife found her number in his phone he tried to cover it up by saying she just wanted tickets- which could get her in more trouble than sex would!
I happened to have the Buddhism book "Letting go of the person you used to be" Yes, it was a corny as hell thing to do but I gave it to her. She may throw it out the moment she reads the first page, or she or someone there might get some comfort from it. I found it kind of weird that I happened to bring this particular book on the day I was meeting someone who desperately needed to let go of some "attachments" and "clinging."
If I am ever going to apply for mainline (she works for mainline) now is the time! I'm too tired to go into the details, but I would build senority fast, and my pilots are going to strike soon, so maybe I should "strike" while the iron is hot. Something to think about.
I ended up at work early becuase I had given myself a lot of extra time to get there, and managed to avoid the worst traffic by taking small highways. I turned in some paperwork and did my first turn for the day.
When I got to the elevator to my crew lounge there was a Buddhist monk sitting on one of the seats. I went up to him and asked him if I could buy him lunch. I don't know if this was weird of me to offer, I read that in Asian buddhism people do nice things for the monks to improve their Karma, so I hope it wasn't too weird to him. He didn't understand me right away (I think he was Tibetan) but he said "I already ate" I said "okay" and left. That might have been weird, but I just didn't want to bug him I guess.
I went downstairs to pickup the rollerbag the company buys for F/As of one year senority, and brought it up the elevator. As if all the Buddhas and Bottisatvas told him I was coming up at that moment, when the door opened the monk was looking in my direction with a gentle smile on his face. Oh my god I wanted to talk to him so bad! He was sitting there so peacefully, I just wanted to be in his presence. I smiled and waved at him and he nodded and smiled. I kept going towards the exit, but wished he had accepted lunch, or that I had offered him ice cream or something. But I didn't want to bug him, so I went back to my car, but in the glowy-est mood just having been around him. The presence he gave off is the presence I want to have, and I just felt calm and happy :)
On my flight to Tennesee a sort of loud blonde flight attendant sat in the front seat. We chatted a little, she was telling me of how she was planning to cheat on her husband. It was what she had to do, apparently, to stay married to him. She was in her late 30's and I could tell by looking at her that she was at one time very attractive. She had a California accent too young for her face. I looked at her and could see how some of the girls I am jealous of today will be in the future, and knew I didn't want that.
She ended up telling me that she was going to rehab. She was obviously scared, but covering it with a smile. She told me about the night before, when she got really drunk and made out with a 22 year old. She told me about the time she kissed a professional football player, and when his wife found her number in his phone he tried to cover it up by saying she just wanted tickets- which could get her in more trouble than sex would!
I happened to have the Buddhism book "Letting go of the person you used to be" Yes, it was a corny as hell thing to do but I gave it to her. She may throw it out the moment she reads the first page, or she or someone there might get some comfort from it. I found it kind of weird that I happened to bring this particular book on the day I was meeting someone who desperately needed to let go of some "attachments" and "clinging."
If I am ever going to apply for mainline (she works for mainline) now is the time! I'm too tired to go into the details, but I would build senority fast, and my pilots are going to strike soon, so maybe I should "strike" while the iron is hot. Something to think about.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
You can buy Happiness
I woke up this morning at the casino hotel, Ashram was talking to me in his sleep- in Hindi. I pressed snooze a few times and started getting ready for work.
Yesterday I drove the 40 minutes to the casino to pick up Ashram and take him to the mall. As I wrote before, he is a consultant at the Casino, he lives in 3 cities, so he has no car here. I arrived 38 minutes late, thanks to traffic and a misleading detour sign, and we started off by stopping at a Thai restaurant, where Ashram told me that he was religiously not allowed to eat Mock Duck (???)
We arrived at the mall and first thing went to a DVD/Video game store. He told me he owns 3 video game consoles, and bought a PS3 (maybe- I cant tell the machines apart) when it was 1,200 dollars.
We went to the GNC store where he showed me the "Tony Little Gazelle" suggesting he would buy it for me for my birthday. It was a large and rediculous machine, sort of like Tony Little himself.
We passed by Bath and Body works, and I wanted to go inside to see if they had "happiness," a lotion that someone had used on the airplane, that smelled amazing. An enthusiastic girl told me about the lotion, but I looked at the price and a 4 oz bottle cost $6. I thanked her and left. Ashram and I spent the next 5 minutes debating the merits of spending 15 dollars on a bottle of lotion. I explained to him that I will spend $50 on a bottle of perfume, but $15 for lotion seems just silly to me.
There was an Express for men with a Claire's boutique next door, I said I would peek in to Claire's while he looked at Express. I walked in and pretty much walked back out. It was even crappier than I remembered it being, but when I went to Express Ashram was nowhere to be found! As usual the creepy Express people were up my butt right away, so I got out right away, but then I looked around and he was gone! I went back in describing him, they said he came in but then left.
I was so annoyed, I walked to Old Navy to look for him, since he had brought it up, when I walked back to the entrance of the store, there he was, with a bag with the lotion in it. It was so fucking sweet and romantic. Too bad on the drive there I was thinking "see Diana, this is why people can't marry for convienence, because you literally CANNOT STAND the person eventually." The way I feel for him is the way I felt for my Jr. High boyfriends. It's just fun having a cute "boyfriend-type" never mind that I think he is rediculous half the time.
So I felt really touched. I don't suppose I needed to, because buying someone something is only as difficult as having the money to do it, but it made me feel special and cared about. I guess I am a product of my consumerist society.
OH! And I forgot to mention that he was saying that I should get a kiosk at a mall, and run a business like he had, (he had a watch kiosk.) I said jokingly that I'd do it if he'd be my financial backer and he said he would! He seemed very serious, while I was intrigued, but keeping my head on straight. If I could think of a product that I would be happy selling 10 hours a day it would be a fun thing to imagine, though I am learning that Ashram, while sweet, is a pain in the ass, and would not be someone I would want to sign any legal paperwork with, even though I imagine I would be the one benefiting, not him.
On the drive to the casino we got in an arguement where he was basically telling me my career goals aren't good enough. That I should be willing to give up my job that I love in order to make more money. I suppose it is my own fault, because I whined to him about the money I make, but my feelings were genuinely hurt, I have brought myself up, from the brink of suicide, to being a happy person, the last thing I need is someone (besides myself) telling me I'm not good enough. Bear in mind this guy was suicidal 3 years ago, so I don't think he has very healthy thinking either, but I was just annoyed with that whole arguement. This guy has no sense. But an hour later we were at the hotel making out! So who has no sense? He is a very sexy and sensual kisser.
I sort of wish he never bought me the lotion. I need to nip this relationship in the bud (again) and him buying me the lotion just makes me feel guilty. But forget that! I have spent more on gas going back and forth than he did for that lotion.
Yesterday I drove the 40 minutes to the casino to pick up Ashram and take him to the mall. As I wrote before, he is a consultant at the Casino, he lives in 3 cities, so he has no car here. I arrived 38 minutes late, thanks to traffic and a misleading detour sign, and we started off by stopping at a Thai restaurant, where Ashram told me that he was religiously not allowed to eat Mock Duck (???)
We arrived at the mall and first thing went to a DVD/Video game store. He told me he owns 3 video game consoles, and bought a PS3 (maybe- I cant tell the machines apart) when it was 1,200 dollars.
We went to the GNC store where he showed me the "Tony Little Gazelle" suggesting he would buy it for me for my birthday. It was a large and rediculous machine, sort of like Tony Little himself.
We passed by Bath and Body works, and I wanted to go inside to see if they had "happiness," a lotion that someone had used on the airplane, that smelled amazing. An enthusiastic girl told me about the lotion, but I looked at the price and a 4 oz bottle cost $6. I thanked her and left. Ashram and I spent the next 5 minutes debating the merits of spending 15 dollars on a bottle of lotion. I explained to him that I will spend $50 on a bottle of perfume, but $15 for lotion seems just silly to me.
There was an Express for men with a Claire's boutique next door, I said I would peek in to Claire's while he looked at Express. I walked in and pretty much walked back out. It was even crappier than I remembered it being, but when I went to Express Ashram was nowhere to be found! As usual the creepy Express people were up my butt right away, so I got out right away, but then I looked around and he was gone! I went back in describing him, they said he came in but then left.
I was so annoyed, I walked to Old Navy to look for him, since he had brought it up, when I walked back to the entrance of the store, there he was, with a bag with the lotion in it. It was so fucking sweet and romantic. Too bad on the drive there I was thinking "see Diana, this is why people can't marry for convienence, because you literally CANNOT STAND the person eventually." The way I feel for him is the way I felt for my Jr. High boyfriends. It's just fun having a cute "boyfriend-type" never mind that I think he is rediculous half the time.
So I felt really touched. I don't suppose I needed to, because buying someone something is only as difficult as having the money to do it, but it made me feel special and cared about. I guess I am a product of my consumerist society.
OH! And I forgot to mention that he was saying that I should get a kiosk at a mall, and run a business like he had, (he had a watch kiosk.) I said jokingly that I'd do it if he'd be my financial backer and he said he would! He seemed very serious, while I was intrigued, but keeping my head on straight. If I could think of a product that I would be happy selling 10 hours a day it would be a fun thing to imagine, though I am learning that Ashram, while sweet, is a pain in the ass, and would not be someone I would want to sign any legal paperwork with, even though I imagine I would be the one benefiting, not him.
On the drive to the casino we got in an arguement where he was basically telling me my career goals aren't good enough. That I should be willing to give up my job that I love in order to make more money. I suppose it is my own fault, because I whined to him about the money I make, but my feelings were genuinely hurt, I have brought myself up, from the brink of suicide, to being a happy person, the last thing I need is someone (besides myself) telling me I'm not good enough. Bear in mind this guy was suicidal 3 years ago, so I don't think he has very healthy thinking either, but I was just annoyed with that whole arguement. This guy has no sense. But an hour later we were at the hotel making out! So who has no sense? He is a very sexy and sensual kisser.
I sort of wish he never bought me the lotion. I need to nip this relationship in the bud (again) and him buying me the lotion just makes me feel guilty. But forget that! I have spent more on gas going back and forth than he did for that lotion.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
I feel really whole
Visiting my mom's side of the family really replenishes me, really recharges my batteries. I know not everyone can say that about their families. I feel very fortunate.
Right now I feel very whole, or more accurately, I feel like I can see who I am, and can see the direction I am supposed to go. I feel like I know what I should do next.
I dont know the exact definitions of the words tantra and yoga, but I think they involve unity, like having every aspect of your life be spiritual. I feel really greatful, Buddhism makes sense to me. I feel so greatful to have a philosophy that I can study that makes me say "I agree with that" instead of how I feel about Christianity which I don't agree with, except for alot of the things Jesus preached about. Going without some sort of spiritual structure is not a place I felt comfortable in. Reality, the universe and my role in it is always at the center of my mind. Trying to figure it out on my own is like reinventing the wheel, I feel so greatful that Buddhism is fitting so well with the things I discovered for myself.
I know that I should be continuing to study Buddhism, and should join the local zen center, to get some guidance on how to start meditating. I know that tantra &/or yoga (are they the same thing?) should also be included. I don't know much about them, I just know that tantra includes sexuality and yoga includes excercise, and those are two things that I have always found spiritual, and I am excited that maybe these things could possibly be a prt of a lifestyle.
I know that I should stay at my airline and finish my degree in Psychology. Psychology is my passion, I am talented in understanding it, I am talented in empathy, and my Psycholgy studies would fit very well into my spiritual studies.
I know that I want to fit into mainstream America. I am American. I need to stop feeling shame about all of the unhealthy aspects of our culture and instead focus on what we do right (we do many things very well) and work to heal what is unhealthy about our culture. I never want to become a person who uses too flowery of words, "insider jargon" I want to be a person who a mainstream American will look at me, and see what we have in common, instead of seeing what is different. More importantly, I want to look at a mainstream American and see what we have in common, instead of what is different. I want to be at peace with "my people" and my culture, I don't want to dissociate myself from them like it is so tempting to do. Maybe the term I should use is Mainstream White America. I think that is the most accurate term.
And as for men, that should fall into place if I am doing these things. If I am following my passion, being my truest self, the person for me should be easier to find, because they will be able to identify who I am more easily if I am truely, authenticly being me.
Yay
Right now I feel very whole, or more accurately, I feel like I can see who I am, and can see the direction I am supposed to go. I feel like I know what I should do next.
I dont know the exact definitions of the words tantra and yoga, but I think they involve unity, like having every aspect of your life be spiritual. I feel really greatful, Buddhism makes sense to me. I feel so greatful to have a philosophy that I can study that makes me say "I agree with that" instead of how I feel about Christianity which I don't agree with, except for alot of the things Jesus preached about. Going without some sort of spiritual structure is not a place I felt comfortable in. Reality, the universe and my role in it is always at the center of my mind. Trying to figure it out on my own is like reinventing the wheel, I feel so greatful that Buddhism is fitting so well with the things I discovered for myself.
I know that I should be continuing to study Buddhism, and should join the local zen center, to get some guidance on how to start meditating. I know that tantra &/or yoga (are they the same thing?) should also be included. I don't know much about them, I just know that tantra includes sexuality and yoga includes excercise, and those are two things that I have always found spiritual, and I am excited that maybe these things could possibly be a prt of a lifestyle.
I know that I should stay at my airline and finish my degree in Psychology. Psychology is my passion, I am talented in understanding it, I am talented in empathy, and my Psycholgy studies would fit very well into my spiritual studies.
I know that I want to fit into mainstream America. I am American. I need to stop feeling shame about all of the unhealthy aspects of our culture and instead focus on what we do right (we do many things very well) and work to heal what is unhealthy about our culture. I never want to become a person who uses too flowery of words, "insider jargon" I want to be a person who a mainstream American will look at me, and see what we have in common, instead of seeing what is different. More importantly, I want to look at a mainstream American and see what we have in common, instead of what is different. I want to be at peace with "my people" and my culture, I don't want to dissociate myself from them like it is so tempting to do. Maybe the term I should use is Mainstream White America. I think that is the most accurate term.
And as for men, that should fall into place if I am doing these things. If I am following my passion, being my truest self, the person for me should be easier to find, because they will be able to identify who I am more easily if I am truely, authenticly being me.
Yay
Friday, April 06, 2007
What is going on with my head?
I will start with my nightmare, it was so horrible. I dreamt that there was a delay, and so I left the plane to hang out in a gazebo, and then while sitting in the gazebo I realized that I am never supposed to leave the plane while a passenger is on so I tried to run back to the plane before anyone noticed I left. Then I couldn't find the plane for the life of me, and I ran into the union president, and she just shook her head and said "man that's bad, wish there was something I could do for you." My job was completely gone, and I was devestated. It really drilled in the point how much I love my job.
But why was I having nightmares in the first place? Because I drank two Red Bulls at night, becuase I went to Ashram's hotel, and he was staying up all night so he could catch his 5AM taxi to the airport.
Yes, Ashram again. He got his job back that he quit! I guess they needed him so much that a manager above the one who called him "irresponsible" asked him to come back and now he will deal directly with her, not with the other guy anymore! Wow! Being a data architect has it's perks!
Here's whats screwed up. I really liked him last night. We cuddled and kissed for a short time (I stopped it, but partly because I was SOOOO TIRED.) He was asking me if I liked kids and if I was a "homely girl" (a girl who does things in the home) because it was in the movie "The Guru" (I bought it, I just love that movie.) Maybe it was the Guru that got me so mushy. It has a woman with an unusual sexual lifestyle, and an Indian man who sees that she is a lady, deserving of love anyway. Maybe seeing that, mixed with knowing Ashram for a longer time, and not being fresh from the rejection by Alan, I felt like I really liked him.
Why did I not like him? Well, for one he said something positive about George Bush, I can't think of a bigger turn off. I brought it up the other day and I asked him if he would ever vote for George Bush, he said no. Then there was the fact that he doesn't seem to think I am beautiful, but then when I looked into his eyes last night he said "you think I don't find you beautiful, but the truth is you are too beautiful" or something like that. And I appreciate that he sees personality first (and doesn't seem to have a big ego about his appearance, even though he is told alot by his family that he is handsome)
Maybe I am lonely? Maybe I am excited by the idea of a family, and I see a man who could afford babies as well as give me pretty Indian babies and a wedding with a pretty sari? (positive racism? sure, but I am still thinking it) I am sort of feeling worried that I won't find Mr. right in time for me to have kids...am I enthusiastic because I am seeing a good prospect?
But I also think he is cute, and he has a cute and analytical personality, and is kind. Am I trying to keep myself from liking him to prevent myself from only liking him for his money and ethnic heratige? Thats dumb, because every thing that is positive in a person contributes to what you like about them, so if I am feeling like I am liking him, it's okay if those are contributing factors of why, as long as those aren't the ONLY factors.
But I know we would butt heads, we already do a little. But butting heads is probably better than it was with Charles, where I just worshiped him and wanted to do anything that made him happy, even when it made me unhappy.
I feel anxious thinking about Ashram. I feel like I want to hold back, because I don't want to allow myself to develop feelings for him. Is this a cue that he is wrong for me? Or is it a cue that he could be right for me and I am scared?
At least I am able to take it slow. I said I wanted to keep the kissing sweet and innocent while I figured out how I felt, and he didn't push me, though he did make fun of me when I said breasts count as sweet and innocent.
Maybe I should just live in the present and enjoy his company. I keep driving one hour there and back to see him, so there must be something going for him.
I don't want to think about it anymore right now.
But why was I having nightmares in the first place? Because I drank two Red Bulls at night, becuase I went to Ashram's hotel, and he was staying up all night so he could catch his 5AM taxi to the airport.
Yes, Ashram again. He got his job back that he quit! I guess they needed him so much that a manager above the one who called him "irresponsible" asked him to come back and now he will deal directly with her, not with the other guy anymore! Wow! Being a data architect has it's perks!
Here's whats screwed up. I really liked him last night. We cuddled and kissed for a short time (I stopped it, but partly because I was SOOOO TIRED.) He was asking me if I liked kids and if I was a "homely girl" (a girl who does things in the home) because it was in the movie "The Guru" (I bought it, I just love that movie.) Maybe it was the Guru that got me so mushy. It has a woman with an unusual sexual lifestyle, and an Indian man who sees that she is a lady, deserving of love anyway. Maybe seeing that, mixed with knowing Ashram for a longer time, and not being fresh from the rejection by Alan, I felt like I really liked him.
Why did I not like him? Well, for one he said something positive about George Bush, I can't think of a bigger turn off. I brought it up the other day and I asked him if he would ever vote for George Bush, he said no. Then there was the fact that he doesn't seem to think I am beautiful, but then when I looked into his eyes last night he said "you think I don't find you beautiful, but the truth is you are too beautiful" or something like that. And I appreciate that he sees personality first (and doesn't seem to have a big ego about his appearance, even though he is told alot by his family that he is handsome)
Maybe I am lonely? Maybe I am excited by the idea of a family, and I see a man who could afford babies as well as give me pretty Indian babies and a wedding with a pretty sari? (positive racism? sure, but I am still thinking it) I am sort of feeling worried that I won't find Mr. right in time for me to have kids...am I enthusiastic because I am seeing a good prospect?
But I also think he is cute, and he has a cute and analytical personality, and is kind. Am I trying to keep myself from liking him to prevent myself from only liking him for his money and ethnic heratige? Thats dumb, because every thing that is positive in a person contributes to what you like about them, so if I am feeling like I am liking him, it's okay if those are contributing factors of why, as long as those aren't the ONLY factors.
But I know we would butt heads, we already do a little. But butting heads is probably better than it was with Charles, where I just worshiped him and wanted to do anything that made him happy, even when it made me unhappy.
I feel anxious thinking about Ashram. I feel like I want to hold back, because I don't want to allow myself to develop feelings for him. Is this a cue that he is wrong for me? Or is it a cue that he could be right for me and I am scared?
At least I am able to take it slow. I said I wanted to keep the kissing sweet and innocent while I figured out how I felt, and he didn't push me, though he did make fun of me when I said breasts count as sweet and innocent.
Maybe I should just live in the present and enjoy his company. I keep driving one hour there and back to see him, so there must be something going for him.
I don't want to think about it anymore right now.
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