$6 drunk

You know whats great about being on antidepressants? I'm a cheap drunk. 3 glasses of wine and I am pretty tipsy!

I just went out with one of the 90210 girls! I will call her Jenn. She was very normal and nice, as was her friend Hallie.

I also got a text from Kelsey, I waited a day or two to respond, and she didn't respond back, but at least I wasnt blown off, like I thought, from either girl.

Here's the one thing, I have terrible acne on my chin. It's a combo of bad food habits and bad skin-care habits, as it gets grey out I am getting LAZY!

I am hardly typing well.

Here is the message I got from Ashram today:

Thank you for sending this mail. Sorry,i had not seen this mail earlier than today or else i would not have texed you the message. Thanks again for calling me "Selfish". I tried my best and humble way to treat you but either as said it might be my communication or your thinking that is not working. There are many reasons to fight and disagree upon as you are right now but therehas to be many more ways to be cordial and bring happiness. You told me that i hurted you three times right!!!(Unintentionally!!)

* When you told bad about people who work in the mall, I haven't taken any offence.
[I told him I think it's bad business practice to accost people in the mall, trying to put lotion on their hands]
* When i went back to india due to my grandma's demise, you had never been there,I haven't taken any offence. [First I heard of this]
* You are saying "selfish", I haven't taken any offense.
[I don't remember saying "selfish" maybe it was some other girl who hates him]
* Non-Agreement on any thing, I haven't taken any offense.
[Read: Not aggreeing with everything I say, & speaking up]
* Hanging phone on my face not once but twice, I haven't taken any offense.
[Only once, on a day he wouldn't let me go when I clearly told him I wanted to...he has hung up on me twice]

I am happy with the way i treat every single person unless what they are interpreting? I like my friends irrespective of their status, nature, attitude or anything in good or bad thats why i believe they care for me(Either at my grandma's funeral or my brothers wedding). I never choose people for my benefit in the name of any relationship or friendship.

Thanks and Best of Luck,
May God bless you with all the happiness and fulfill all your dreams.
Ashram

"Friendship is about letting other friend express themselves and help them in being good not about leaving the hand in time of need"

[Big loss- lunatic!]

Turning the Computer OFF!

For the first time in over a month, I am back in front of my computer, looking at the same websites over and over. My new boost in self-esteem is fragile, and vulnerable, and Ashram knocked me down a few levels.

I am going to turn off my computer now. I am not going to slip back into that feeling. No man is allowed to do that to me!

Ashram,

You make me feel bad about myself. Not just today, consistently.

I no longer wish to be a part of a friendship with you. I choose only to allow people in my life who build me up, not knock me down.

I am sending you this e-mail, instead of just no longer answering your calls, so you can learn from it and learn to treat people differently.

Good luck in your life
Diana

I feel bad about myself right now

Ashram makes me feel bad about myself. I feel very anxious and upset right now, more than I have felt in a long time. I need to deep breathe and make this anxiety go away.

I was supposed to meet up with Ashram today or tomorrow, and so I was talking on the phone to him about it. I told him I forgot that we were getting together, so I ate dinner already. He asked what I ate and I told him I made a spaghetti sauce with lots of vegetables. He said "oh you are taking care of yourself now. You used to eat meat and tacos and now you are eating vegetables" Well first of all, I love vegetables, always have. And back when I hung out with him I was taking much better care of my health than I am now.

This isn't the first time he has made me feel bad. He seems to do it a lot. I guess I just let him back into my life because I didn't really care that much about him (probably because he makes me feel bad) and I just sort of kept him around because he was someone to kiss, and to distract me from missing Charles.

After he said that I said "Geez, you really know how to make a girl feel bad about herself" and he was obviously sorry, but the damage is done (and if it was the first time he hurt my feelings it would be forgiveable) After that he did not want me to get off the phone with him until I wasn't mad anymore, and so of course I just got more and more mad. I hung up on him, and then he called back and hung up on me. Now I have my phone turned off. I am not a person who hangs up on people, by the way.

I am dealing a little better now, but I guess me saying I don't care what he thinks is untrue. I care enough that I am very hurt. VERY hurt. The other time he did this I had pressed him to say he thinks I am pretty. Not because I am a person who needs to hear it, but because I knew he didn't, and I needed to confront him. He not only couldn't say he thinks I am pretty, he said "that shouldn't matter."

I know I am not ugly. I think I am fat, but many people think I am attractive, so there is no reason for me to kiss someone who doesnt. In fact, I think he thinks I am attractive, he just isnt willing to give me the power of complimenting me. He wants me to be insecure so I will think I have less options, and therefore want him more. If this sounds familiar to anyone, you are dealing with a future abuser.

I feel better, but less happy than I was feeling. I will send him an e-mail saying "I dont want to hang out anymore" and be done with him. Why an e-mail? I dont want any phone messages from him, and I want him to know exactly why I don't want to be friends, so he has the ability to change it if he wants to for the next person.

What a jerk!

You can buy Happiness

I woke up this morning at the casino hotel, Ashram was talking to me in his sleep- in Hindi. I pressed snooze a few times and started getting ready for work.

Yesterday I drove the 40 minutes to the casino to pick up Ashram and take him to the mall. As I wrote before, he is a consultant at the Casino, he lives in 3 cities, so he has no car here. I arrived 38 minutes late, thanks to traffic and a misleading detour sign, and we started off by stopping at a Thai restaurant, where Ashram told me that he was religiously not allowed to eat Mock Duck (???)

We arrived at the mall and first thing went to a DVD/Video game store. He told me he owns 3 video game consoles, and bought a PS3 (maybe- I cant tell the machines apart) when it was 1,200 dollars.

We went to the GNC store where he showed me the "Tony Little Gazelle" suggesting he would buy it for me for my birthday. It was a large and rediculous machine, sort of like Tony Little himself.

We passed by Bath and Body works, and I wanted to go inside to see if they had "happiness," a lotion that someone had used on the airplane, that smelled amazing. An enthusiastic girl told me about the lotion, but I looked at the price and a 4 oz bottle cost $6. I thanked her and left. Ashram and I spent the next 5 minutes debating the merits of spending 15 dollars on a bottle of lotion. I explained to him that I will spend $50 on a bottle of perfume, but $15 for lotion seems just silly to me.

There was an Express for men with a Claire's boutique next door, I said I would peek in to Claire's while he looked at Express. I walked in and pretty much walked back out. It was even crappier than I remembered it being, but when I went to Express Ashram was nowhere to be found! As usual the creepy Express people were up my butt right away, so I got out right away, but then I looked around and he was gone! I went back in describing him, they said he came in but then left.

I was so annoyed, I walked to Old Navy to look for him, since he had brought it up, when I walked back to the entrance of the store, there he was, with a bag with the lotion in it. It was so fucking sweet and romantic. Too bad on the drive there I was thinking "see Diana, this is why people can't marry for convienence, because you literally CANNOT STAND the person eventually." The way I feel for him is the way I felt for my Jr. High boyfriends. It's just fun having a cute "boyfriend-type" never mind that I think he is rediculous half the time.

So I felt really touched. I don't suppose I needed to, because buying someone something is only as difficult as having the money to do it, but it made me feel special and cared about. I guess I am a product of my consumerist society.

OH! And I forgot to mention that he was saying that I should get a kiosk at a mall, and run a business like he had, (he had a watch kiosk.) I said jokingly that I'd do it if he'd be my financial backer and he said he would! He seemed very serious, while I was intrigued, but keeping my head on straight. If I could think of a product that I would be happy selling 10 hours a day it would be a fun thing to imagine, though I am learning that Ashram, while sweet, is a pain in the ass, and would not be someone I would want to sign any legal paperwork with, even though I imagine I would be the one benefiting, not him.

On the drive to the casino we got in an arguement where he was basically telling me my career goals aren't good enough. That I should be willing to give up my job that I love in order to make more money. I suppose it is my own fault, because I whined to him about the money I make, but my feelings were genuinely hurt, I have brought myself up, from the brink of suicide, to being a happy person, the last thing I need is someone (besides myself) telling me I'm not good enough. Bear in mind this guy was suicidal 3 years ago, so I don't think he has very healthy thinking either, but I was just annoyed with that whole arguement. This guy has no sense. But an hour later we were at the hotel making out! So who has no sense? He is a very sexy and sensual kisser.

I sort of wish he never bought me the lotion. I need to nip this relationship in the bud (again) and him buying me the lotion just makes me feel guilty. But forget that! I have spent more on gas going back and forth than he did for that lotion.

The men in my life (this week anyway)

It has been another week full of men, but I am not in that amazing mood I was in a few weeks ago (beautiful weather may have been a big part of that mood) So I will start from the beginning.

First off, remember Ullrick? He was the steroid-using bodybuilder who seduced me into buying training sessions from him, and provided me with great motivation to work out. Well he bailed on me and all the sessions, he left the gym (the owner suggested to me that there had been other problems with him) and I called him a number of times, and he ignored me.

So I went to the owner, who gave me the two sessions I paid for (even though Ullrick said he'd give me 4 for the price of 2) and I was set up with a new trainer Brahman...everybody all together now *swoon.* Brahman was very professional, friendly, but not trying to seduce me, he was SOOO HOT, he looked like Justin Guarini without the weird hair and weird nose job.

Brahman started me out on the leg press machine at like, 40 pounds lighter than I usually do. I had told him over the phone that I wanted an all-core workout, so I said "what exactly are you having me do here" and he said "uh...this is called the leg press" I reminded him that I wanted an all core workout and he said "your sure?" and I said yes.

It was hard, but I survived it. He said that my stomach was a lot stronger than I had said it was. I couldn't believe those words were coming from his mouth! I was so happy. He told me I was going to hurt like hell in two days, and boy was he right, I could hardly roll over in bed this morning. I have been stiff like a granny all day today. I love it, I cant wait for more.

After my workout I went to Ashram's (the casino hotel) as I have started to develop an affection for him. During the evening we chatted, and I learned that he tried to kill himself 4 years ago. I don't know what more to write about it really. He is opening up to me, but I still find it hard to understand how he thinks. I think I know that we aren't destined to be together in the future. But, we had the hottest, most aggressive kissing session. Including him lifting me up and putting me on the sink. My god, if we were having sex it would have been so hot. MMMM. The only way we will have sex, however, is if we are in a relationship. I am not sure if I want a relationship (beyond what we have) if I already know we dont have a future. Oh well, one day at a time.

So the next morning I get a call from scheduling. They switched me onto a Canada flight because someone else couldn't fly there. I am so grateful this happened because I had a Canada overnight on my schedule already, and no passport. So fortunately I had time to drive home and get it.

I got to work extra early, so I sat in the crew lounge and played on my computer. Over walked him, the Pole. I met him on his first day here. A cute white guy with an accent. Tall, brunette, and an accent, plus a nice smile. I couldn't believe it he seemed sort of "impressed" with me. He was definately out of my league in my opinion. Well fast forward to today and he has put on some weight. He's still very cute, just a little chubby.

So he walks right to my direction, I am 99% sure he came over especially to talk to me, and right away with a warm smile I said "I think I met you on your first day here." We chatted and had an interesting conversation. He is polish but lived in Germany since he was 10. His perspective on the United States surprised me, he had positive things to say about it that I wouldn't expect to hear from a European. I enjoyed talking to him.

I have absolutely no doubts that he is interested in me, and I am interested in him too, but I am not sure if his interest is the kind I want. He mentioned that he spent college "chasing girls" and I think he said "chasing girls" a SECOND time too, so I wonder if he just likes girls in general, not me specifically. I look forward to seeing him again (but DAMN! I just realized he's not from my same base, CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!)

That night I saw a mainline pilot I had met and hung out with on St. Patricks day (the night I turned down hot ass cowboy-swagger pilot) him and I discussed going to a country western bar after the flight. I had an uncomfortable feeling about it all. The conversation was choppy (you know, fighting for the next thing to say) and when I asked him if he had a roommate he hesitated. I backed out of going out, truthfully saying I was tired. I am glad I did. I was tired, and I might go out with him another night, but I just didn't look forward to it. I can't read the guy, he could be a nice guy who is mildly socially awkward, or he could be married and acting weird because he is hoping to cheat on his wife. Who knows, who cares.

So now I have 2 more days left of my trip. I hope I will have something new and interesting to report.

What is going on with my head?

I will start with my nightmare, it was so horrible. I dreamt that there was a delay, and so I left the plane to hang out in a gazebo, and then while sitting in the gazebo I realized that I am never supposed to leave the plane while a passenger is on so I tried to run back to the plane before anyone noticed I left. Then I couldn't find the plane for the life of me, and I ran into the union president, and she just shook her head and said "man that's bad, wish there was something I could do for you." My job was completely gone, and I was devestated. It really drilled in the point how much I love my job.

But why was I having nightmares in the first place? Because I drank two Red Bulls at night, becuase I went to Ashram's hotel, and he was staying up all night so he could catch his 5AM taxi to the airport.

Yes, Ashram again. He got his job back that he quit! I guess they needed him so much that a manager above the one who called him "irresponsible" asked him to come back and now he will deal directly with her, not with the other guy anymore! Wow! Being a data architect has it's perks!

Here's whats screwed up. I really liked him last night. We cuddled and kissed for a short time (I stopped it, but partly because I was SOOOO TIRED.) He was asking me if I liked kids and if I was a "homely girl" (a girl who does things in the home) because it was in the movie "The Guru" (I bought it, I just love that movie.) Maybe it was the Guru that got me so mushy. It has a woman with an unusual sexual lifestyle, and an Indian man who sees that she is a lady, deserving of love anyway. Maybe seeing that, mixed with knowing Ashram for a longer time, and not being fresh from the rejection by Alan, I felt like I really liked him.

Why did I not like him? Well, for one he said something positive about George Bush, I can't think of a bigger turn off. I brought it up the other day and I asked him if he would ever vote for George Bush, he said no. Then there was the fact that he doesn't seem to think I am beautiful, but then when I looked into his eyes last night he said "you think I don't find you beautiful, but the truth is you are too beautiful" or something like that. And I appreciate that he sees personality first (and doesn't seem to have a big ego about his appearance, even though he is told alot by his family that he is handsome)

Maybe I am lonely? Maybe I am excited by the idea of a family, and I see a man who could afford babies as well as give me pretty Indian babies and a wedding with a pretty sari? (positive racism? sure, but I am still thinking it) I am sort of feeling worried that I won't find Mr. right in time for me to have kids...am I enthusiastic because I am seeing a good prospect?

But I also think he is cute, and he has a cute and analytical personality, and is kind. Am I trying to keep myself from liking him to prevent myself from only liking him for his money and ethnic heratige? Thats dumb, because every thing that is positive in a person contributes to what you like about them, so if I am feeling like I am liking him, it's okay if those are contributing factors of why, as long as those aren't the ONLY factors.

But I know we would butt heads, we already do a little. But butting heads is probably better than it was with Charles, where I just worshiped him and wanted to do anything that made him happy, even when it made me unhappy.

I feel anxious thinking about Ashram. I feel like I want to hold back, because I don't want to allow myself to develop feelings for him. Is this a cue that he is wrong for me? Or is it a cue that he could be right for me and I am scared?

At least I am able to take it slow. I said I wanted to keep the kissing sweet and innocent while I figured out how I felt, and he didn't push me, though he did make fun of me when I said breasts count as sweet and innocent.

Maybe I should just live in the present and enjoy his company. I keep driving one hour there and back to see him, so there must be something going for him.

I don't want to think about it anymore right now.

Lonely night watching YouTube

Oh well, I can't seem to embed the YouTube videos.

Basically tonight I felt really down when I got home. Tonight my sister Linda was crying at her house and it made me want to cry, so I thought tonight when I was feeling down that maybe if I could find a video of someone crying it would set me off and I could feel some release.

I found a video of Dane Cook talking about needing a cry, I wanted to post it. It is funny and it is exactly what was hoping to experience. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLDoJvAdrBM

I did get a cry out, on a video called "Tears of Iraq" where a little child sings "Oh Allah, the streets are stained with blood and death" with video of the Iraqi and American victims of the war in Iraq. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asu-WrzrdN8 But those tears were fleeting, because it is impossible for me to cry about feeling lonely when I am thinking about people with real problems.

Then I saw a video called "Saving Grace" that reminded me of myself, in the end, where the hot girl holds up a sign that says "I need 1,000,000 hits to stop me. Save me" It amazes me that this is universal enough that it makes it on a video. I look at my statcounter dozens of times a day, seeing a new hit gives me a little mental reward, that someone out there is aware of my existance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WCzS5S0kA4

But I couldn't find a good video of someone crying, so I didn't get that long, good feeling cry I was hoping for. I got really depressed for a short period there, but I think thanks to therapy, I could see I was pulling myself down there, and so I brought myself back to reality.

But I did figure out why I am sad. I am very lonely. My roommate left, and she is the closest friend I have made in a long time. Also, for the first time in about a year, I am truly alone. I have no-one to love. Charles may still love me, and I still love him, but the relationship is gone. Alan hurt me pretty bad, and now Ashram is calling me mean, which is unfair, but still hurts.

So now its just little old me, forced to confront myself, with all of my baggage. I know now that I can't live alone. I need my own room, but alone just doesn't work. I need enough distraction to keep me in the present, and not bogged down by the emptiness of being without my mom, and the memories of living in squalor with my dad. Sure I should continue therapy so these things don't bog me down so much, but being distracted helps.

It's going to be a-okay Diana, you'll feel better soon

Another exausting conversation with Ashram

I spoke to Ashram a few minutes ago. He was "giving me advice to help me in the future" that I shouldn't have kicked him when he was down by saying I just wanted to be friends when he just quit his job etc. In his opinion I should have told him I had a migrane if he wanted to kiss, and then tell him later.

A couple of things...the whole "tell him I have a migrane" wouldn't work. I did not want to kiss the last time I saw him, and he kept kissing me. I told him "I am tired and stressed about the training tomorrow" and he persisted. So I went down on him, did not enjoy it, and he finally left me alone. I was certianly not doing that again, so I told him two days later that I wanted to be friends.

Fortunately I am solid enough in my thinking, and confident enough to say "I have done nothing wrong" and believe it. This is what I am talking about when I say I could have been scammed by a cult or get in an abusive relationship. I could have taken him at his word, and truly believed I was a mean person for breaking it off when I did. Only two years ago I would have been believeing that.

Poor Ashram. He has had one girlfriend ever and is just so innocent of all of this. If relationships arent complex enough, try it interculturally and then add a lack of experience to it. It is like we are from completely different planets. I am so glad that I am confident in my choices, and cant be told that I have done something horrible.

Off the hook

I am not a bad person. I told Ashram tonight that I could only be friends. He said okay.

Please explain...

...why I am missing Ashram. Wait, I know, it's because I like him, but the problem is that I know we don't have a future, so I have to be careful to not hurt him or let myself get hurt.

The Hot Tent

Okay, instead of doing dishes I vacuumed the hallways of my apartment building, for a discount of $45 off my rent. (for doing it 3-4 times a month) It ends up being about 9 dollars an hour, which is an okay part time job, it's better than picking up hours on the plane, because the plane takes the piss out of your body.

So I was going to tell you about my Indian Paramour. Well, instead of calling him Ishram I am going to call him Ashram, because Ashram means "hot tent" and I think it is funny to call someone "hot tent" just like it is funny that my nickname, to Morroccans, means "Vagina."

So Ashram didn't call me for 5 days after the laughing in my sleep/missing his flight unneccessarily incident. I figured he blamed me for him missing his flight and decided never to call me again. I examined how I felt, and unfortunately (or fortunately) I felt nothing. I hadn't allowed myself to develop feelings for him, so losing him didn't matter. But then he called me the day before yesterday, the airline lost his bags, so I made plans to see him the night before last.

He quit his prestigious job because they called him "irresponsible" and "not taking the job seriously." In my opinion that is what happened, but as he sees it, he has worked for them for five years, he has never had problems with them, so they were out of line. I can see his perspective to a point, like them saying that was a straw that broke the camel's back for him, but on the other hand, he missed a flight to a job of interviewing people. It is very unprofessional for a business to reschedule interviews at the last minute.

Since he wouldn't be working in my city anymore I thought I would take the opportunity to see him. I picked him up from his flight from Detroit, and we stopped at an Indian take-out restaurant. We then went to Wal-mart to buy me a shirt, (target was closed- damn) since I had nothing to wear to training the next day to my training.

That night I put on a flattering nightgown, not lingere, but one that showed my curves very nicely. I had my hair and makeup done from earlier in the day, and had earrings on. I looked as good as I ever have with him. He didn't bat an eyelash. Me in this outfit like that was enough to get an "oh" but he didn't notice a thing. I said, already knowing the answer, "do you think I'm pretty?" he said "you want me to pay you a compliment?" I said "no, I'd rather you tell me the truth" and then he said "six", I'm like "you think I'm a six?" and from what I remember he verified it. I said "oh" and went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, I was as pretty as I can be at this weight, so I just knew within myself that I am pretty enough to be found attractive by someone, and left the room with that confidence.

We laid out the food and started eating, and he said I seemed sad. I tried to avoid the subject but he persisted. I explained that we would have to be friends because I can't be with someone who doesn't find me attractive. He was very upset. He said what other people think shouldn't matter, and I disagreed, saying it matters if the person is a potential boyfriend. For a few minutes we ate silently.

After dinner he was all over me, begging me to not be mad at him (to which I said, "I'm not mad, I'm sad") so he said "please dont be sad at me" and kept pulling at me and paying attention to me the way a man who is attracted to you should, but at that point my heart was completely shut down. I explained I was stressed about training the next day, and wouldn't feel relaxed until I had gotten ready for bed, and eventually I got away from him. Afterward we kissed awhile, I felt nothing, and I finally went down on him so he would stop kissing me, and didn't even enjoy it, I usually do.

The sad thing is I do sort of like him, but not as much as I liked Charles, and I can already see the problems we would have in the future, so there is no use going on. And my heart is so completely closed off. I can't even enjoy it in the present tense, even though I am a little bit.

I actually could just enjoy talking to him and hanging out with him, except I might hurt him. He has only had one girlfriend before, and he is pretty old fashioned, even if he is modern for his culture and religion. The sad thing is, it is pretty appealing to imagine a future with a man with money who wants a stay at home parent for a partner.

Since I have stopped believing in love, what is the next best thing to strive for, why security of course. If Indians and Pakistanis get married without being in love, why cant I? If I were raised in an Indian culture I would have found a good deal with him, we have long conversations (or debates) and he is very good looking, and has money that he is willing to spend on me (I have spent more on gas than he has spent on me, and I have only allowed him to pay for food, and the one shirt, which he had to talk me into him paying for, by pointing out how much I have spent on gas- so don't judge me!) I really enjoy him as a companion, so if I had to marry someone I didn't love yet, it would be nice.

So I really need to nip this in the bud. I am letting myself get lost in the comfort of settling, which is weird, if I am going to settle, why not settle with Charles, who I truly loved, and maybe love. I think the answer is Ashram doesn't have the power to hurt me, Charles not only had the power to hurt me, he did hurt me.

I can't believe I am about to say this, before I was just stating my feelings, without taking them seriously, but really, if love only works half the time, then what else should we strive for but the best possible living circumstances? I could have my kids, be able to provide for them, and...aw fuck. I don't believe that shit. Just look at my conservative Catholic friend, who married because she was supposed to, because he was a Catholic too. She is miserable, and I would be miserable. There has to be true love there. I would be happier with a man I loved, not able to afford kids, than I would with a man I didn't love, and the ability to afford kids.

You know, that is what this is all about, my fucking biological clock. I have 6, no make that 5 years until complications would be likely. My body is controlling my rational mind. My desire for happiness is being pushed aside for my desire to propogate the species. That is some crazy shit. I never thought I would be the one this would happen to. But it gets worse every year, especially since I have become healthy enough that I am convinced (if I could do it without an additional full time job) that I would do a good job of it.

And it is more then my body, it's my culture. Everyone is settling down and getting houses and babies. I am ready to settle down. I am ready to put my energy into my future. But heaven knows I am only going to have a happy life with a man who respects me as a 100% equal partner. You know what? I need to quit hoping for kids, I really do. If it happens, good for me, but lets be honest...I am behind, a late bloomer. I spent my adolecence worried about my dad and wasn't able to relax and focus on my education and develop normally. What I am, a person with a job and health insurance is more than many kids from my background have.

But god, I dont want to be 40 and alone. My looks are already failing me, by then I wont have any looks left. I want what everyone else seems to have but lets face it, I'm not like everyone else. I think my therapist might tell me that my thinking right now is flawed, and I suppose it is. But geez, I don't want to be alone anymore. Charles cured me of that, now I need to be cured of the need to have someone.

Back to my old "old self"

A few posts ago I wrote that I felt like my "old self." That was a fleeting moment and it was an incorrect statement really, because I was feeling like getting things done, but when I was healthier I didn't think about getting things done, I just got them done. I am probably back to my old "old self" the mildly depressed one before I met Charles.

Today I played hooky from training from work. My training lasted 2 days, day one was going over evacuation, medical, and fire procedures, today was to be an active security class and CRM, (no, you dont care enough for me to tell you what CRM is)

Yesterday I had indian food leave my body in the most unpleasant way. This unpleasant way of leaving my body lasted a good 20 minutes, burned, and was unpleasant to be in the same room as. Fortunately it happened at the end of the day, the rumbling started before the final test, and my 20 minute ordeal took place in a room designed for people in wheelchairs and parents who need to change babies, so no one else was aware of the noisy and malodorous exiting taking place. But even so, if this were to continue into today, including the fact that I am on my period, it would be terribly embarrassing. I called in this morning saying I had "digestive problems" that were okay during a sit down class, but not an active security class which was a half truth, but really I was more worried about cramps and getting up so early after the time change.

Fortunately there is another training in April. Maybe by then I will have adjusted to the time change and not be on my period or enjoying the lasting effects of indian food. Still, the post-meeting-Charles old me would have gone to the training. I would have taken a shower and doubled up on my soap usage to counteract the time of the month, and I would have taken an advil to deal with the cramps. I would have shown up, tired as fuck, but I would have drank a strong latte to keep myself alive.

The way I had been feeling about the time I was dating Alan was really great. I wouldn't think alot about getting things done, I would just do them. And dishes werent so bad, they were done in no time. And I loved how my room looked when it was clean.

I am going to do some dishes now and then return and tell you about my weekend with my Indian Paramour.