I needed to end the "Give him a chance dating" Stage one is to interact or go on a date and not like a guy. 2) Lie to myself and say I like him, mostly because it means I will probably get sex soon. 3) Put up with the whole situation for a month or so, until I can't take it anymore, hurting the guy and feeling angry and violated by myself for pushing myself to be with someone I don't want. 4) Feel repelled to all men, and if I don't meet someone I like until I get horny/lonely again, return to stage one.
Toronto Jackass was going to be my antidote to this awful pattern. I couldn't get rid of him, I might stay strong for a few months, but once he contacted me, or I saw him log on the messenger, I would be friendly again. The times I deleted him from Facebook, Myspace, and IM, he would get back in touch with me, and I would cave in. In the end, the Id wants what the Id wants. Besides being hung, and hard easily and consistently. The sex isnt always mind blowing, but it is never bad.
I can't even remember all of the manifestations we have been in. At first it was amazing discussion of creativity online, I really admired his music, and our conversation motivated and inspired the creativity in me. But he kept hanging up abruptly, and other strange, thoughtless things. At some point I deleted him, at another point I decided it would be only sex. And it was.
It's a blur, but he started confusing me. He said things that suggested he thought about me. He occasionally said he "liked me" I tried to get my head around it, and after a WONDERFUL conversation one evening and especially after seeing him again, and LETTING MYSELF FEEL it, I felt something, he could be my boyfriend, I didn't have to will myself into it like with the "give him a chance" relationships, I was IN. The next day I texted him a guaranteed conversation starter, that I had just cut down twelve trees, and his response to me was "OK."
After that day I knew I couldn't try again. I let myself be vulnerable, I let myself be excited, and I couldn't muster up that sort of optimism again. I went into another "Give him a chance" relationship which I expect will be my last. I can't put myself through that again. I just end up angry at myself and sort of violated. Whenever I am in my backyard I get these awful memories of feeling angry at my "give him a chance" guy. He turned into a condescending dick! He also bought blue paint for my gray house (Perhaps covering that up will be the antidote.) I decided since I can't get rid of Toronto Jackass, I will allow him in my life (read:bedroom) to protect myself from that "give him a chance" cycle.
It was a good idea. I sexed him up good on an overnight. It wasn't as good because since it started so fast I was not as warmed up, but I got some penis & some cuddles, and felt great the next day. for a few days we shot the shit seamlessly on Skype, and then one night him and his friend were drunk, and during the three way conversation TJ called me his girlfriend, and said "I love her." I liked the things he was saying, but I know from experience to wait for follow up behavior. That night, he repeatedly said, pleaded, that I stay longer. I said would be coming in early, so we could go to a movie or dinner. It is a good thing I knew better than to take his side comments seriously, because the next day he was not online again.
The day arrived, I assumed he forgot, and after a melancholy week, didn't feel like reminding him. But he did remember, and I felt hopeful that cuddling would help my depression, and that a few moments in his company would rev my dormant libido. We arrived at the hotel at 7PM, I had to wake up at 4:30. When he wasn't at the hotel still at 8:20, I texted him to ay i was too tired to go out, and asked him to bring takeout. He responded that he had spent his last $10 running an errand for his brother, but he would go out and get something for me when he got to the hotel. I forgive him for forgetting we had dinner plans, but it seriously appeared he had been, the whole time, going out of his way to avoid spending a penny on me. I texted him saying not to come. He said he would be at the hotel in 10 minutes. I told him I was not in a friendly mood and not to come. He didn't respond. In a dick move after already being a dick, he didnt write back to say, "OK, next time" so I could sleep, knowing he wasn't going to show up anyway.
I don't know if I will let him back into my good graces. I don't have any expectations but if a guy can't even spring for some Kung Pao chicken then I feel like a booty call or a sugar mama. And I think I have figured out his relationship nudging. When I want only sex, he wants a relationship. When I want a relationship, he wants space/freedom/independance from responsibility. When I want to resolve conflict he wants to rev it up. It has nothing to do with me, or what he wants in his heart. What he wants is the upper hand. He is such a mindfucker he is inconsistent. He told me a story about his brothers throwing him off the roof, and I know they physically fight to this day. I don't know what is wrong with his head but I know he will do what he can to ensure I feel just as off balance as long as I am in his world.
It's all very disappointing, but what I really liked about him is his creativity, and I think he had a muse effect on me, which is probably why I continued to respond and let him back into my life. I can continue to have that from him, I can listen to his music and feel that inspiration and admiration without allowing him personally close.
I was able to quit the cookies we pass out on the airplane, I can quit Toronto Jackass.
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Monday, November 29, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Sex with a 13 year old girl who looks 18
I was that thirteen year old girl, or, more accurately, I was twelve. An ugly duckling, one day I looked in the mirror and I had these beautiful B cup boobs. My body looked like the girls on the videos on MTV, the ugly duckling was...PRETTY.
After years of being ignored by boys, they suddenly were looking at me. Not just boys but older boys, even men. I liked the attention from men, it made me feel like they were sending their adult, and therefore safe and powerful approval. I noticed that tilting my head a certain way made me more pretty, wearing a shorter skirt made me more pretty, it felt so wonderful to be pretty.
I also was so lonely. My stepmother left my dad, and my dad just started drinking so much that he was passed out every night. I was still in shock from my mother dying 4 years ago, suddenly not having a mother, a stepmother, or even a father, was so lonely and scary. Getting attention felt wonderful. Getting VALIDATION felt wonderful. Being pretty made me feel worthy, and feeling worthy was a rare thing when I had suddenly lost all of my parents.
HORNY. Did I mention I was sooo horny? I had been masturbating for years, and I was obsessed. It was this new and amazing thing. Orgasms were just...wow! It was such a fun new thing. I had sexual fantasies about David Lee Roth (I invented 69 in my head before I knew it existed!) and Atrayu from "The Neverending Story." I was a walking hormone. The kids at school had started calling me a "Slut" which was weird since I hadn't really kissed a boy unless you counted my best friend when I was six, so I knew my feelings made me weird, and bad.
Finally, I met Scott. His name has NOT been changed, to NOT protect the guilty. He was 17 and my first boyfriend. He had long stringy hair and drove an El Camino. I felt at the top of the world that he was my boyfriend.
Having never had a boyfriend, I didn't know anything, but I saw heavy metal videos and knew that sex was something boys want. I felt like "This is what you should be doing, this gives you the 'edge' with boys." I LOVED kissing. I LOVED having my boobs touched. I really didn't want to have sex yet. I wanted to THINK about having sex, but I really didn't want to do it. But I told myself this was what I should do.
I played pool with Scott at his family's hotel. I had decided "This is going to be the night I have sex" I remember laying there for what felt like ages, and how it hurt worse than anything I could ever imagine. I bled for days. Scott called me and asked me if I was a virgin, I said "NO!" quickly, ashamed he might know my horrible secret.
We had sex a second time, it hurt just as much. I had decided I will just have to be really strong and be a really good actress, sex was a must to keep this intoxicating attention from boys. I was pretty worthless (if not, my dad would be taking care of me, not passed out, ignoring me) so if I am going to keep this attention from boys I needed to use every weapon I had. Sex was it, and 4 minutes of excruciating pain every few weeks was what I would have to endure if I wanted to keep it.
I found out that Scott was cheating on me with another 12 year old girl. Apparently she wasn't having sex with him, because what 12 year old girl has sex?
Last night I saw the excellent movie Towelhead. A child in puberty is still a child. A child with an adult's body, is still a child. A child with sexual desires is still a child, and touching them is a despicable crime.
I see handsome teen athletes on my airplane, and even if their adult-seeming bodies stir something sexual in me, even if they persue me, they are still children. Their minds are the minds of children, and as an adult, I am in a postion to protect them, not abuse them. Yes, they have sexual desires, and one might desire me, but they are not intellectually ready or prepared to be responsible for that desire. Touching a child, even if their body looks like an adult, even if they request it, is rape. Molestation.
With help of my therapist, I forgave myself for persuing sex that I wasnt ready for. She reminded me that at 12, I wasn't developed enough in the first place to make a decision like that. My boyfriend was 17, so therefore a child himself. It might not have been a legal crime, but thank goodness it was 5 years, I think, before I had sex again. Because no decent person has sex with a 12 year old.
After years of being ignored by boys, they suddenly were looking at me. Not just boys but older boys, even men. I liked the attention from men, it made me feel like they were sending their adult, and therefore safe and powerful approval. I noticed that tilting my head a certain way made me more pretty, wearing a shorter skirt made me more pretty, it felt so wonderful to be pretty.
I also was so lonely. My stepmother left my dad, and my dad just started drinking so much that he was passed out every night. I was still in shock from my mother dying 4 years ago, suddenly not having a mother, a stepmother, or even a father, was so lonely and scary. Getting attention felt wonderful. Getting VALIDATION felt wonderful. Being pretty made me feel worthy, and feeling worthy was a rare thing when I had suddenly lost all of my parents.
HORNY. Did I mention I was sooo horny? I had been masturbating for years, and I was obsessed. It was this new and amazing thing. Orgasms were just...wow! It was such a fun new thing. I had sexual fantasies about David Lee Roth (I invented 69 in my head before I knew it existed!) and Atrayu from "The Neverending Story." I was a walking hormone. The kids at school had started calling me a "Slut" which was weird since I hadn't really kissed a boy unless you counted my best friend when I was six, so I knew my feelings made me weird, and bad.
Finally, I met Scott. His name has NOT been changed, to NOT protect the guilty. He was 17 and my first boyfriend. He had long stringy hair and drove an El Camino. I felt at the top of the world that he was my boyfriend.
Having never had a boyfriend, I didn't know anything, but I saw heavy metal videos and knew that sex was something boys want. I felt like "This is what you should be doing, this gives you the 'edge' with boys." I LOVED kissing. I LOVED having my boobs touched. I really didn't want to have sex yet. I wanted to THINK about having sex, but I really didn't want to do it. But I told myself this was what I should do.
I played pool with Scott at his family's hotel. I had decided "This is going to be the night I have sex" I remember laying there for what felt like ages, and how it hurt worse than anything I could ever imagine. I bled for days. Scott called me and asked me if I was a virgin, I said "NO!" quickly, ashamed he might know my horrible secret.
We had sex a second time, it hurt just as much. I had decided I will just have to be really strong and be a really good actress, sex was a must to keep this intoxicating attention from boys. I was pretty worthless (if not, my dad would be taking care of me, not passed out, ignoring me) so if I am going to keep this attention from boys I needed to use every weapon I had. Sex was it, and 4 minutes of excruciating pain every few weeks was what I would have to endure if I wanted to keep it.
I found out that Scott was cheating on me with another 12 year old girl. Apparently she wasn't having sex with him, because what 12 year old girl has sex?
Last night I saw the excellent movie Towelhead. A child in puberty is still a child. A child with an adult's body, is still a child. A child with sexual desires is still a child, and touching them is a despicable crime.
I see handsome teen athletes on my airplane, and even if their adult-seeming bodies stir something sexual in me, even if they persue me, they are still children. Their minds are the minds of children, and as an adult, I am in a postion to protect them, not abuse them. Yes, they have sexual desires, and one might desire me, but they are not intellectually ready or prepared to be responsible for that desire. Touching a child, even if their body looks like an adult, even if they request it, is rape. Molestation.
With help of my therapist, I forgave myself for persuing sex that I wasnt ready for. She reminded me that at 12, I wasn't developed enough in the first place to make a decision like that. My boyfriend was 17, so therefore a child himself. It might not have been a legal crime, but thank goodness it was 5 years, I think, before I had sex again. Because no decent person has sex with a 12 year old.
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Music makes me lonely
I have put together a nice little entertainment center for myself. A TV, DVD player, VCR and little radio the has an auxiliary option that I can use for my iPod or computer. Right now I am listening to a few of my favorite CDs that I have been able to upload to my iPod, and getting this familiar ache.
What I am about to say isn't a revelation, it isn't even my idea, and I probably have said it already a dozen times. I am not lonely for a man, I am lonely for myself! I believe this is why I can't commit to a nice, boring cubicle worker...I keep wanting a man to bring me the stimulation that I am not giving myself in my life!!!
Look at the guys who do it for me...musicians, filmmakers, writers, photographers; successful business or activist types; scientists; people who regularly participate in active things like biking & hiking. Now this is all well and good, you should share interests, but that ache isn't for their company, it's for their inspiration. Its the reminder of myself. I have not been successful at any of these things, and so I am making that antiquated "woman" mistake of trying to create fullfillment from someone else's accomplishments.
I know this was the attraction with Toronto Jackass. His music is just. fucking. brilliant. God he was a jackass, and of course with that 30% sympathetic personality, it just kept me hooked, even with the complete knowledge that he was a jackass. I started writing back and forth with him while I was seeing Mike. He started it. I just responded on Myspace that I loved the music, and the conversation went from there. The hours we spent writing inspired me to ask Mike for more time together, and during our online chats I got to observe the creation of the most beautiful song, which comforted me through the breakup with mike, and the blow-off from Jimmy, the brother of the man that married my cousin. The way T.J. acted I would not put up with from anyone, except maybe him, or a member of Fischerspooner or Royksopp. He pulled that creative part out of me, and I am happy to say I don't want to put her back.
God, I can't believe how conformist I have become over the years. One thing I wonder is if I need to leave my state, where people are very subdued. I constantly feel like I am "too much" and I can't think that withholding my enthusiasm is good for my mental health. I think back to how obsessed I would get with things, particularly music. I would buy a "Q" magazine and just melt into the pages, fawning with the "ravers" in particular, in denial of how much drugs were involved with their elaborate personas. Now I try not to get too excited, because I know I sound like a nut-job. But the only time I get anything creative accomplished is when I let myself get lost in my own head. (did I mention I wrote a poem about how much my company pisses me off? :) )
This is not an "I'm gonna" post. I already am changing. I had my tonsils removed in December, and it helped me make a big leap forward in my depression. I am pretty sure I had sleep apnea (It was never officially diagnosed, but they removed the tonsils anyway because I am frequently sick) and I am pleased to say I have noticed far less depression. It was the norm for me to wake up 4-5 times a night, I didn't know I was capable of sleeping the night through. Now that I can, I am a completely different person. I am getting so many little projects done, ones that seemed so big before. I sincerely think I have been living my life half asleep for as long as I can remember. Who knew that tonsils could be so disabling?
Also, I have pulled myself out of my depression by being easy on myself. I got myself in it by pushing myself so hard to be this perfect person, and I had to change my way of motivating myself. I have let myself take it easy, as I emerged from the depression, but I have been in remission for awhile now, and it's time I stop focusing on survival, and frankly, getting a life!
I am so glad I have my stereo set up, so I can be reminded of that "special someone" that I deserve in my life. My old self!
SIDE NOTE, me & T.J. have barely spoken since our tryst. He had a girlfriend with an "open" relationship. I believe him, or I wouldn't have done it. He made her out to sound like a big drug addict, and I shared with him what I know about addicts, that all you can do is support them getting better or leave. He did, but he got defensive about my (perfectly sensitive) response to the news. I tried to open dialogue, but it never went anywhere. He is touring in India now, and based on my Facebook stalking him, I am pretty certian they are back together, or going to be. There are two good things I can say about this. One, he posted something about his religious pilgramage, and how it made him want to be a better person. It makes me feel good to know that he will have more peace in his life, and two...I knew what I was getting into. I knew I wouldn't get what I needed or deserved from him, but I followed my passion, and didn't get (very) hurt. I can even listen to his music now without feeling a pang. It may be because I feel hope he will have a better life. It sucks to see someone being miserable, and have the gut feeling they will remain miserable (because they are a jackass)
UPDATE: After writing this I was taking a shower, and felt this old, familiar feeling...happiness. I know my life will be better when I make these changes. How 'bout that!
What I am about to say isn't a revelation, it isn't even my idea, and I probably have said it already a dozen times. I am not lonely for a man, I am lonely for myself! I believe this is why I can't commit to a nice, boring cubicle worker...I keep wanting a man to bring me the stimulation that I am not giving myself in my life!!!
Look at the guys who do it for me...musicians, filmmakers, writers, photographers; successful business or activist types; scientists; people who regularly participate in active things like biking & hiking. Now this is all well and good, you should share interests, but that ache isn't for their company, it's for their inspiration. Its the reminder of myself. I have not been successful at any of these things, and so I am making that antiquated "woman" mistake of trying to create fullfillment from someone else's accomplishments.
I know this was the attraction with Toronto Jackass. His music is just. fucking. brilliant. God he was a jackass, and of course with that 30% sympathetic personality, it just kept me hooked, even with the complete knowledge that he was a jackass. I started writing back and forth with him while I was seeing Mike. He started it. I just responded on Myspace that I loved the music, and the conversation went from there. The hours we spent writing inspired me to ask Mike for more time together, and during our online chats I got to observe the creation of the most beautiful song, which comforted me through the breakup with mike, and the blow-off from Jimmy, the brother of the man that married my cousin. The way T.J. acted I would not put up with from anyone, except maybe him, or a member of Fischerspooner or Royksopp. He pulled that creative part out of me, and I am happy to say I don't want to put her back.
God, I can't believe how conformist I have become over the years. One thing I wonder is if I need to leave my state, where people are very subdued. I constantly feel like I am "too much" and I can't think that withholding my enthusiasm is good for my mental health. I think back to how obsessed I would get with things, particularly music. I would buy a "Q" magazine and just melt into the pages, fawning with the "ravers" in particular, in denial of how much drugs were involved with their elaborate personas. Now I try not to get too excited, because I know I sound like a nut-job. But the only time I get anything creative accomplished is when I let myself get lost in my own head. (did I mention I wrote a poem about how much my company pisses me off? :) )
This is not an "I'm gonna" post. I already am changing. I had my tonsils removed in December, and it helped me make a big leap forward in my depression. I am pretty sure I had sleep apnea (It was never officially diagnosed, but they removed the tonsils anyway because I am frequently sick) and I am pleased to say I have noticed far less depression. It was the norm for me to wake up 4-5 times a night, I didn't know I was capable of sleeping the night through. Now that I can, I am a completely different person. I am getting so many little projects done, ones that seemed so big before. I sincerely think I have been living my life half asleep for as long as I can remember. Who knew that tonsils could be so disabling?
Also, I have pulled myself out of my depression by being easy on myself. I got myself in it by pushing myself so hard to be this perfect person, and I had to change my way of motivating myself. I have let myself take it easy, as I emerged from the depression, but I have been in remission for awhile now, and it's time I stop focusing on survival, and frankly, getting a life!
I am so glad I have my stereo set up, so I can be reminded of that "special someone" that I deserve in my life. My old self!
SIDE NOTE, me & T.J. have barely spoken since our tryst. He had a girlfriend with an "open" relationship. I believe him, or I wouldn't have done it. He made her out to sound like a big drug addict, and I shared with him what I know about addicts, that all you can do is support them getting better or leave. He did, but he got defensive about my (perfectly sensitive) response to the news. I tried to open dialogue, but it never went anywhere. He is touring in India now, and based on my Facebook stalking him, I am pretty certian they are back together, or going to be. There are two good things I can say about this. One, he posted something about his religious pilgramage, and how it made him want to be a better person. It makes me feel good to know that he will have more peace in his life, and two...I knew what I was getting into. I knew I wouldn't get what I needed or deserved from him, but I followed my passion, and didn't get (very) hurt. I can even listen to his music now without feeling a pang. It may be because I feel hope he will have a better life. It sucks to see someone being miserable, and have the gut feeling they will remain miserable (because they are a jackass)
UPDATE: After writing this I was taking a shower, and felt this old, familiar feeling...happiness. I know my life will be better when I make these changes. How 'bout that!
Friday, May 02, 2008
The hor-nayest girl in the world
Ok, so my heart has been broken, so I don't want a boyfriend, and my new goal in life is to only have sex if it is with a boyfriend, or soon to be boyfriend. So what is a hor-nay girl to do?
I am proud of myself from this weekend. There is a musician in Toronto who I have the hots over the internet for, and he has the hots over the internet for me. But, like every musician, he appears to be quite slutty, or at least he seems to think the world revolves around him. He has been quite rude over IM, hanging up abruptly, making me think he is responding to something I wrote, and he has my phone number, has never called, and hasn't given me his (not that I asked for it either)
Well we were supposed to meet on one of my overnights this weekend, and I didn't feel confident that he wasn't thinking something would happen. So I intentionally did not shave my legs (which I have done before to try to stop something from happening) I told him online about it in the afternoon, and his response was "ewww! Gross!" and I am not sure why it pissed me off. I too, think it's gross (sorry hippies ;) ) I think it looks very manly, but that was the point, It could keep sex from happening. I guess it made me mad because a guy who cares about you would be cautious about how you would feel. They might say "eww" but it shouldn't matter because when you sit and have a conversation with me, my pants are on. Also, I have hairly legs, its because I am lazy/have not had/will not have sex for awhile. I am not a freak because of it. The hair grows there. He's probably the kind of guy who would be grossed out by pubic hair. Stoopit. (oh, and side note- the not shaving trick rarely works. They usually want me anyway)
So I was really proud of myself. I was still willing to see him, but I took the phone off the hook at midnight. I know these types of guys. He would finally call at 2AM. I remember staying up late for Detroit guy, just to have him act like a ghetto asshole when I was starving to death and dead tired waiting for him so I could give HIM a present. Ideeot. I also took the windows IM program all the way off my computer. I have no desire to speak to him anymore. If he comes to my city on tour, great, if not, who cares. The only thing I got from our friendship was inspiration to make music (and to ask Mike for more attention) besides that, the only thing Toronto musician dude has to offer me is annoyance.
So good for me. I am hornay as a MF, but turned down some cheap and easy sex, (I was on my period which helped, I doubt he would be respectful about it) I have two other potential victims in my sights. One is Sadiq, He is back in my life, sortof, but he was bad in bed. He came in like 30 seconds, which was fine the first time, but the second time it just seemed selfish. He also woke me up in the middle of the night for sex when I asked him specifically to wait for 5AM. That was so selfish and rude. I am still pissed about that. Victim #2 I dont think I could resist if he came on to me. We went on a date from an online dating service back in the day, and we hung out the other day and he was cool. We are going to see Eddie Izzard next month, and we will be in close quarters because we are both going in female drag, and I am doing his makeup, which means being close up, and lots of touching. I just think I am too weak to turn down some safe dick right now. I am having dreams about it for some reason.
Poor me. My life is really difficult.
(wow! It has been 4 months since I have had sex! Good girl!)
I am proud of myself from this weekend. There is a musician in Toronto who I have the hots over the internet for, and he has the hots over the internet for me. But, like every musician, he appears to be quite slutty, or at least he seems to think the world revolves around him. He has been quite rude over IM, hanging up abruptly, making me think he is responding to something I wrote, and he has my phone number, has never called, and hasn't given me his (not that I asked for it either)
Well we were supposed to meet on one of my overnights this weekend, and I didn't feel confident that he wasn't thinking something would happen. So I intentionally did not shave my legs (which I have done before to try to stop something from happening) I told him online about it in the afternoon, and his response was "ewww! Gross!" and I am not sure why it pissed me off. I too, think it's gross (sorry hippies ;) ) I think it looks very manly, but that was the point, It could keep sex from happening. I guess it made me mad because a guy who cares about you would be cautious about how you would feel. They might say "eww" but it shouldn't matter because when you sit and have a conversation with me, my pants are on. Also, I have hairly legs, its because I am lazy/have not had/will not have sex for awhile. I am not a freak because of it. The hair grows there. He's probably the kind of guy who would be grossed out by pubic hair. Stoopit. (oh, and side note- the not shaving trick rarely works. They usually want me anyway)
So I was really proud of myself. I was still willing to see him, but I took the phone off the hook at midnight. I know these types of guys. He would finally call at 2AM. I remember staying up late for Detroit guy, just to have him act like a ghetto asshole when I was starving to death and dead tired waiting for him so I could give HIM a present. Ideeot. I also took the windows IM program all the way off my computer. I have no desire to speak to him anymore. If he comes to my city on tour, great, if not, who cares. The only thing I got from our friendship was inspiration to make music (and to ask Mike for more attention) besides that, the only thing Toronto musician dude has to offer me is annoyance.
So good for me. I am hornay as a MF, but turned down some cheap and easy sex, (I was on my period which helped, I doubt he would be respectful about it) I have two other potential victims in my sights. One is Sadiq, He is back in my life, sortof, but he was bad in bed. He came in like 30 seconds, which was fine the first time, but the second time it just seemed selfish. He also woke me up in the middle of the night for sex when I asked him specifically to wait for 5AM. That was so selfish and rude. I am still pissed about that. Victim #2 I dont think I could resist if he came on to me. We went on a date from an online dating service back in the day, and we hung out the other day and he was cool. We are going to see Eddie Izzard next month, and we will be in close quarters because we are both going in female drag, and I am doing his makeup, which means being close up, and lots of touching. I just think I am too weak to turn down some safe dick right now. I am having dreams about it for some reason.
Poor me. My life is really difficult.
(wow! It has been 4 months since I have had sex! Good girl!)
Saturday, April 05, 2008
The pain keeps coming back!!!
It's an ache. A lonliness. It goes away for a bit, but then it returns when I forget to pretend it's not there.
I am thinking to myself "thank god it's over- because he wrote 'dating should be fun-but not that kind of fun' " When the truth is I am not happy it's over. I am hurt. HURT HURT HURT.
And again, the pattern continues. The woman punished for liking sex.
What I know I need to do is mourn this somehow. I am thinking I need to do something creative. I have a big, awesome keyboard, so I need to pull it out and let it out. Pain brings out great creativity. And great pain creates moving art.
And this pain is the pain of Mike, compounded with the pain of Charles, compounded with the pain of my dad. All three acted like I didn't matter. Didn't pay me the small amount of attention I needed. And I don's require much.
I am so grateful for hot pilot's call last night. And for Myspace (I have gotten lots of attention from there- I like it :) )
(oh, speaking of myspace, I see Mike looked at it tonight. So he hasn't forgotten me altogether at least. No, don't worry. I'm not holding on to hope. I just like knowing I cant be forgotten in 2 days)
I am thinking to myself "thank god it's over- because he wrote 'dating should be fun-but not that kind of fun' " When the truth is I am not happy it's over. I am hurt. HURT HURT HURT.
And again, the pattern continues. The woman punished for liking sex.
What I know I need to do is mourn this somehow. I am thinking I need to do something creative. I have a big, awesome keyboard, so I need to pull it out and let it out. Pain brings out great creativity. And great pain creates moving art.
And this pain is the pain of Mike, compounded with the pain of Charles, compounded with the pain of my dad. All three acted like I didn't matter. Didn't pay me the small amount of attention I needed. And I don's require much.
I am so grateful for hot pilot's call last night. And for Myspace (I have gotten lots of attention from there- I like it :) )
(oh, speaking of myspace, I see Mike looked at it tonight. So he hasn't forgotten me altogether at least. No, don't worry. I'm not holding on to hope. I just like knowing I cant be forgotten in 2 days)
Saturday, November 24, 2007
You cant make this stuff up
I am sure there is at least one person who thinks my blog is made up. If I read my blog, or my life story, I would think that it was made up.
Mitch, the 64 year old man who I had sex with in Baltimore, is applying to become a priest.
He read me his essay.
I don't know what to say, except if he is ordained, I will have the privledge of saying I had sex with a priest (by choice)
You cant make this stuff up
Mitch, the 64 year old man who I had sex with in Baltimore, is applying to become a priest.
He read me his essay.
I don't know what to say, except if he is ordained, I will have the privledge of saying I had sex with a priest (by choice)
You cant make this stuff up
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
I wish I was 50 instead of 30
I'm going to call 64 year old 60 year old "Mitch." He just had flowers delivered.
He's so sweet. I have such a crush on him, but this is NOT NORMAL! I guess this is why normal 30 year olds don't sleep with 64 year olds.
He's so sweet. I have such a crush on him, but this is NOT NORMAL! I guess this is why normal 30 year olds don't sleep with 64 year olds.
Don't carry lube in your purse
I left my purse on the plane last night. I was just too spacey in my head to remember it, fortunately, the flight attendant who took my flight found it, and turned it into my boss.
Here's the thing...there were 2 little bottles of massage oil in my purse, and they are KY brand, so people, including my boss probably think they are lube!!!
I have something to say about those KY sample packs. They make it seem like they are massage oil with a water base so if your hand touches a condom after giving a backrub, it wont break the condom, well they arent! They are massage oil packaged in the same package as lube! SO DANGEROUS! Fortunately we had no breaks, but if we had, I might have a 64 year old's baby!!! Insane
So the lessons today kids...check the back of your lube to make sure it is water-based and DONT CARRY LUBE IN YOUR PURSE!!!!
Here's the thing...there were 2 little bottles of massage oil in my purse, and they are KY brand, so people, including my boss probably think they are lube!!!
I have something to say about those KY sample packs. They make it seem like they are massage oil with a water base so if your hand touches a condom after giving a backrub, it wont break the condom, well they arent! They are massage oil packaged in the same package as lube! SO DANGEROUS! Fortunately we had no breaks, but if we had, I might have a 64 year old's baby!!! Insane
So the lessons today kids...check the back of your lube to make sure it is water-based and DONT CARRY LUBE IN YOUR PURSE!!!!
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Amongst the Living
It's 5 to 9 in the morning, and I am awake, and human. I am so glad I trusted my instincts and just let myself sleep, I slept for nearly 2 days straight, with only small breaks in between.
I was going to call in sick last night, but now there is no reason for it. It will suck to have a stuffy head on the airplane, but if that happens I can just go home after the first turn.
I talked to 60 year old last night, he is really a sweetheart. Of all people to have my fantasy with, he was the right choice. He DESERVES it, as I think I do.
I came to a realization this morning regarding 60 year old, there is absolutely no-one on this planet that I can tell about this! Just my blog! I don't have a single friend or family member that I think wouldn't be shocked by it. I guess I wouldn't want my friends or family members knowing much about my sex life, but at least I have friends I can tell about most guys I sleep with.
I wonder if it's a blessing or a curse that I have been comatose the last few days. I missed out on any lonliness or confusion (there is no shame) but maybe I also missed out on the afterglow of having great sex! That feeling of having so much energy, that you can do anything. I guess I'll never know.
I was going to call in sick last night, but now there is no reason for it. It will suck to have a stuffy head on the airplane, but if that happens I can just go home after the first turn.
I talked to 60 year old last night, he is really a sweetheart. Of all people to have my fantasy with, he was the right choice. He DESERVES it, as I think I do.
I came to a realization this morning regarding 60 year old, there is absolutely no-one on this planet that I can tell about this! Just my blog! I don't have a single friend or family member that I think wouldn't be shocked by it. I guess I wouldn't want my friends or family members knowing much about my sex life, but at least I have friends I can tell about most guys I sleep with.
I wonder if it's a blessing or a curse that I have been comatose the last few days. I missed out on any lonliness or confusion (there is no shame) but maybe I also missed out on the afterglow of having great sex! That feeling of having so much energy, that you can do anything. I guess I'll never know.
Monday, November 05, 2007
My Baltimore Adventure
My trip to Baltimore consisted of two parts. The first part, family time, and the second part 60 yr old man time.
I learned that my aunt and uncle are seperated. They had some problems before so I wasn't surprised, but it seems so unneccesary to me. They were married 30 years, so I don't want to judge. My uncle, very maturely, said "who says a marriage has to last forever to be a success? We had 30 years together, we grew alot, we raised 2 great kids, I say it was a success" All that matters to me is my aunt remains my aunt, and that no-one gets unneccesarily hurt.
Spending time with my cousin was great, we laughed alot, and found a flattering bridesmaid dress (although I am angry to learn I am size 18!) It was great bonding with all of them, I look forward to seeing them again soon.
The second half of the trip was my time with 60 year old, who it turns out is 64. It was such an interesting experience, though there is a little after-effects that I didn't expect.
He picked me up at my aunt's house, and he was wearing awful dark glasses that made him look creepy. I think he thought they would make him look younger, but instead they made him look like an old man who can't be trusted. I could tell my aunt was not impressed.
We got lost searching for the hotel. Then it took us a long time to get to the inner harbor, it was after 2 and we hadn't eaten yet. We stopped at a sushi place and then headed to the baltimore aquarium. The aquarium wasn't as great as I remember it being, but I think that's partially because I was so tense from my aunt seeing him, getting lost, being late, and people looking at us, wondering what we were about (he is a 64 year old Chinese man, there is no way he could pass as a dad.) I will say though, the octupus was awake and active, so that was worth the price of the ticket right there. We left before seeing the dolphins or Australian exhibit. I do regret that I guess, but I was just tired and overstimulated from the week.
We got on the wrong train, so we had to get off at another stop. He suggested getting a beer while we waited for a cab, I hated the idea, but there was a restaurant, and once we arrived, everything was calm.
The place was completely empty, and it was small so you could hear the rap music coming from the back room. We ordered a bottle of wine, but the guys were fumbling around with it for what seemed like 20 minutes. The food was good, and the wine helped. You could tell the guys in the back were very intrigued with our arrangement.
We took a cab back to the hotel, and the cab driver was even more intrigued. He even said "your a nice couple" which was funny to me. We got in the hotel room and started kissing immediately. He is a very nice kisser, and his mouth tasted the way raw pumpkins smell.
The sex was really great, some of the best ever. And one thing I want to say is, any feelings that a 64 year old is not sexy, because he or she has wrinkly skin, is self-hating. We will all have wrinkled skin one day, and it didn't look or feel bad, it just felt a little softer & looser than my skin. A sixty year old person is still a sexual person, they are just like they were when they were young, just with more life experience, and more aches and pains.
In fact, in the hotel room, we could fall in love. We were really in touch with each other, and it was really relaxing and fun. The only problem is the after effects. You shouldn't get an emotional attachment to someone that you could never have a normal future with.
I know I felt a little lonely the next day, and he said he was more fond of me than he expected. He suggested us taking a vacation to mexico or something, and I think that is a nice idea, but I don't want one of us to fall in love, because it can't end well.
And yes, I am including myself in that category of not wanting to fall in love. Even if he was 30 years old he is still catholic and republican, but I enjoyed him. He is very cute, though I dont think we have enough in common to have a real relationship.
I know now he is having a lot of catholic guilt, on my behalf as well. He thinks that my sexual history is bad, and though I would make different choices if I lived my life over, I am not ashamed of anything I have done, except when someone's feelings were hurt. I think his feelings are coming from a good place, a protective place.
So I had my older man fantasy, and although it wasn't exactly what I had in my head, it taught me alot. One thing it taught me is that I have a long sexual life ahead of me, and that makes me very happy. I also felt very beautiful, extremely beautiful, even with my chubby body and pale skin. I think feeling beautiful is the core of this fantasy, and it worked. Too bad I feel too stuffed up and tired to bask in the afterglow.
I learned that my aunt and uncle are seperated. They had some problems before so I wasn't surprised, but it seems so unneccesary to me. They were married 30 years, so I don't want to judge. My uncle, very maturely, said "who says a marriage has to last forever to be a success? We had 30 years together, we grew alot, we raised 2 great kids, I say it was a success" All that matters to me is my aunt remains my aunt, and that no-one gets unneccesarily hurt.
Spending time with my cousin was great, we laughed alot, and found a flattering bridesmaid dress (although I am angry to learn I am size 18!) It was great bonding with all of them, I look forward to seeing them again soon.
The second half of the trip was my time with 60 year old, who it turns out is 64. It was such an interesting experience, though there is a little after-effects that I didn't expect.
He picked me up at my aunt's house, and he was wearing awful dark glasses that made him look creepy. I think he thought they would make him look younger, but instead they made him look like an old man who can't be trusted. I could tell my aunt was not impressed.
We got lost searching for the hotel. Then it took us a long time to get to the inner harbor, it was after 2 and we hadn't eaten yet. We stopped at a sushi place and then headed to the baltimore aquarium. The aquarium wasn't as great as I remember it being, but I think that's partially because I was so tense from my aunt seeing him, getting lost, being late, and people looking at us, wondering what we were about (he is a 64 year old Chinese man, there is no way he could pass as a dad.) I will say though, the octupus was awake and active, so that was worth the price of the ticket right there. We left before seeing the dolphins or Australian exhibit. I do regret that I guess, but I was just tired and overstimulated from the week.
We got on the wrong train, so we had to get off at another stop. He suggested getting a beer while we waited for a cab, I hated the idea, but there was a restaurant, and once we arrived, everything was calm.
The place was completely empty, and it was small so you could hear the rap music coming from the back room. We ordered a bottle of wine, but the guys were fumbling around with it for what seemed like 20 minutes. The food was good, and the wine helped. You could tell the guys in the back were very intrigued with our arrangement.
We took a cab back to the hotel, and the cab driver was even more intrigued. He even said "your a nice couple" which was funny to me. We got in the hotel room and started kissing immediately. He is a very nice kisser, and his mouth tasted the way raw pumpkins smell.
The sex was really great, some of the best ever. And one thing I want to say is, any feelings that a 64 year old is not sexy, because he or she has wrinkly skin, is self-hating. We will all have wrinkled skin one day, and it didn't look or feel bad, it just felt a little softer & looser than my skin. A sixty year old person is still a sexual person, they are just like they were when they were young, just with more life experience, and more aches and pains.
In fact, in the hotel room, we could fall in love. We were really in touch with each other, and it was really relaxing and fun. The only problem is the after effects. You shouldn't get an emotional attachment to someone that you could never have a normal future with.
I know I felt a little lonely the next day, and he said he was more fond of me than he expected. He suggested us taking a vacation to mexico or something, and I think that is a nice idea, but I don't want one of us to fall in love, because it can't end well.
And yes, I am including myself in that category of not wanting to fall in love. Even if he was 30 years old he is still catholic and republican, but I enjoyed him. He is very cute, though I dont think we have enough in common to have a real relationship.
I know now he is having a lot of catholic guilt, on my behalf as well. He thinks that my sexual history is bad, and though I would make different choices if I lived my life over, I am not ashamed of anything I have done, except when someone's feelings were hurt. I think his feelings are coming from a good place, a protective place.
So I had my older man fantasy, and although it wasn't exactly what I had in my head, it taught me alot. One thing it taught me is that I have a long sexual life ahead of me, and that makes me very happy. I also felt very beautiful, extremely beautiful, even with my chubby body and pale skin. I think feeling beautiful is the core of this fantasy, and it worked. Too bad I feel too stuffed up and tired to bask in the afterglow.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Kant sleep in Kalispell
This is the second, or third night that I am up worrying, regarding Wheelchair Dude. The first and second time I was worried he might like me. I wrote him an honest e-mail telling him I wasn't physically attracted to him, and his response said he was just fine with it, but he is coming on very strong, saying we'll be friends forever and being way "too much."
I really want to be his friend. He is a person who was born with a degenerative disease, likely will not live another decade, and chose to leave his comfortable home where he was taken care of by his parents and start a business. I, for one, am pretty impressed and pretty inspired by that. But I am afraid that he will be hurt. And I suppose it's disrespectful to think of him as vulnerable when he is an adult just like me, but on the other hand there is no question that a person who was disabled since a young child is going to have a different experience than me, so I just fear that---
You know what, it's not him I'm worried about, it's me...I am getting red flags, left and right about him. If he weren't handicapped I would run for the hills from him. Not out of fear of physical harm, but of his terrible boundaries. I am having anxiety about him because his boundaries are terrible, and he wants to suck me into his life and fill the hole of loneliness with me. It's clear as day.
So what is the best move? Run for the hills or tell him "Dude! When you are all clingy and shit, people don't like that" I already did that a little. He wrote me something about how "we owe it to ourselves to lay it all on the table" and I said "uh...thats not healthy, I learned that in therapy and, you should like, go there" (paraphrasing)
I think that's what I'll do. I will spell out my boundaries and if he crosses them I'll say "I don't want to be your friend because of this, this, and this. I imagine most people don't like that, so you shouldn't do that, that has nothing to do with your wheelchair."
And may I say one thing about this dude. He wants a "normal" woman to be attracted to him. I guess we all want that, but he wrote on a craigslist ad that women are shallow. Well he doesn't have disabled friends, nor does he date disabled people, so give me a break. Who's shallow?
Uh, I feel so much better having written this. Some people just have a vibe that puts me at ease, this guy has a vibe that makes me tense. Thats the energy sucker vibe. The bad boundaries vibe. My instincts are very good. They only fail me when I try to overrule them with my mind. I don't think this is going to end well. Well, maybe it will, but it wont if I don't assert my boundaries strongly.
I really want to be his friend. He is a person who was born with a degenerative disease, likely will not live another decade, and chose to leave his comfortable home where he was taken care of by his parents and start a business. I, for one, am pretty impressed and pretty inspired by that. But I am afraid that he will be hurt. And I suppose it's disrespectful to think of him as vulnerable when he is an adult just like me, but on the other hand there is no question that a person who was disabled since a young child is going to have a different experience than me, so I just fear that---
You know what, it's not him I'm worried about, it's me...I am getting red flags, left and right about him. If he weren't handicapped I would run for the hills from him. Not out of fear of physical harm, but of his terrible boundaries. I am having anxiety about him because his boundaries are terrible, and he wants to suck me into his life and fill the hole of loneliness with me. It's clear as day.
So what is the best move? Run for the hills or tell him "Dude! When you are all clingy and shit, people don't like that" I already did that a little. He wrote me something about how "we owe it to ourselves to lay it all on the table" and I said "uh...thats not healthy, I learned that in therapy and, you should like, go there" (paraphrasing)
I think that's what I'll do. I will spell out my boundaries and if he crosses them I'll say "I don't want to be your friend because of this, this, and this. I imagine most people don't like that, so you shouldn't do that, that has nothing to do with your wheelchair."
And may I say one thing about this dude. He wants a "normal" woman to be attracted to him. I guess we all want that, but he wrote on a craigslist ad that women are shallow. Well he doesn't have disabled friends, nor does he date disabled people, so give me a break. Who's shallow?
Uh, I feel so much better having written this. Some people just have a vibe that puts me at ease, this guy has a vibe that makes me tense. Thats the energy sucker vibe. The bad boundaries vibe. My instincts are very good. They only fail me when I try to overrule them with my mind. I don't think this is going to end well. Well, maybe it will, but it wont if I don't assert my boundaries strongly.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Fantasy and Curiosity
I have acted out a number of my sexual fantasies before. Most of the time the fantasy was better than reality. I think that in most cases, unless it's with your long-term partner, fantasies are best left as fantasies.
My older man fantasy was going to remain that way, I was never going to go out looking for it, but "60 year old" presented himself, and this is one fantasy that can only be fulfilled as a young woman, because the whole appeal of the fantasy is the power dynamic between a younger beautiful woman, and an older, more dominant man. I can be with an old man when I'm old, but at that point the dynamic will be different, so it can only be fulfilled when I am young, (and I wont be considered young for very much longer!)
As I have written before, I have a genuine crush on 60 year old. He has a very peaceful aura around him, much like Charles. I addressed the Multi level marketing scheme he is involved with, and it turns out he is only wasting $25 a month, and he signed up to help his friend. I don't agree with it, but I don't think he's a sucker, like I thought before. We have chatted on the phone now twice, and while I am over the idea of a relationship (he's a republican, Catholic, and did I mention SIXTY???) I still would want to fulfill my older man fantasy with him.
I brought it up last night, I asked him if he was morally against sex without love, and he said "I do not have casual sex" I took this as him being unwilling, but then he said some other things that made me think I sparked his interest. Then, today, I worded it differently. I told him about my fantasy, but pointed out that I wouldn't go out looking for it, and I wouldn't want to be tempting him into something that felt immoral to him. He sounded intrigued, and pleased, but I am not certian it will happen. I think if it does happen, he is a good person for it to happen with. I think that if I were older, I would really want to date him, even though he is Republican.
One fantasy that wont be happening is with a guy in a wheelchair. OK, that's never been a fantasy, more of a curiosity of what it would be like. It started when I was studying Physical Therapy, I wondered "what would I do if a client liked me?" at the time I think I was too uncomfortable with myself to consider dating someone in a wheelchair, but as I have aged and become wiser to what matters, I can say if I could find what I am looking for in a man, and his penis worked, I could happily fall in love with a guy in a wheelchair. Isn't that funny? A working penis is more important to me than working legs! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
I met the wheelchair guy yesterday. He was better than I expected personality wise, but not attractive to me at all. He has Muscular Dystrophy, and he is very skinny, cant move his hands, and has a ventilator in his neck. His personality was not what I want really anyway, he talked about himself too much, but even if he had that buddha like personality that I want, I don't think I would want to go forward with it. I learned from my relationship with Charles that sex and sexual attraction is very high in importance, so I couldn't go forward with it, even if his personality was what I am looking for.
My older man fantasy was going to remain that way, I was never going to go out looking for it, but "60 year old" presented himself, and this is one fantasy that can only be fulfilled as a young woman, because the whole appeal of the fantasy is the power dynamic between a younger beautiful woman, and an older, more dominant man. I can be with an old man when I'm old, but at that point the dynamic will be different, so it can only be fulfilled when I am young, (and I wont be considered young for very much longer!)
As I have written before, I have a genuine crush on 60 year old. He has a very peaceful aura around him, much like Charles. I addressed the Multi level marketing scheme he is involved with, and it turns out he is only wasting $25 a month, and he signed up to help his friend. I don't agree with it, but I don't think he's a sucker, like I thought before. We have chatted on the phone now twice, and while I am over the idea of a relationship (he's a republican, Catholic, and did I mention SIXTY???) I still would want to fulfill my older man fantasy with him.
I brought it up last night, I asked him if he was morally against sex without love, and he said "I do not have casual sex" I took this as him being unwilling, but then he said some other things that made me think I sparked his interest. Then, today, I worded it differently. I told him about my fantasy, but pointed out that I wouldn't go out looking for it, and I wouldn't want to be tempting him into something that felt immoral to him. He sounded intrigued, and pleased, but I am not certian it will happen. I think if it does happen, he is a good person for it to happen with. I think that if I were older, I would really want to date him, even though he is Republican.
One fantasy that wont be happening is with a guy in a wheelchair. OK, that's never been a fantasy, more of a curiosity of what it would be like. It started when I was studying Physical Therapy, I wondered "what would I do if a client liked me?" at the time I think I was too uncomfortable with myself to consider dating someone in a wheelchair, but as I have aged and become wiser to what matters, I can say if I could find what I am looking for in a man, and his penis worked, I could happily fall in love with a guy in a wheelchair. Isn't that funny? A working penis is more important to me than working legs! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
I met the wheelchair guy yesterday. He was better than I expected personality wise, but not attractive to me at all. He has Muscular Dystrophy, and he is very skinny, cant move his hands, and has a ventilator in his neck. His personality was not what I want really anyway, he talked about himself too much, but even if he had that buddha like personality that I want, I don't think I would want to go forward with it. I learned from my relationship with Charles that sex and sexual attraction is very high in importance, so I couldn't go forward with it, even if his personality was what I am looking for.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
30 year old woman rejected by a 60 year old man- HA!
You heard me right. My 60 year old does not want sex with a woman half his age. What has the world come to?
I probably wont follow through with this fantasy, because I think what was attractive about this man was his sweetness and his sweetness is probably the reason he doesn't have casual sex. Probably the older guys who would want to have sex with me would not deserve me. I'll live.
I probably wont follow through with this fantasy, because I think what was attractive about this man was his sweetness and his sweetness is probably the reason he doesn't have casual sex. Probably the older guys who would want to have sex with me would not deserve me. I'll live.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Insommnia
It's about 2:30 AM. My insomnia makes sense right now, because I have been staying up so late recently, but I am tossing and turning here at the hotel. I came downstairs because I thought writing out what is on my mind might help, but there is a REALLY annoying REALLY flamboyant guy in the room. He reminds me of my old roommate, and he's loud, and annoying, so I am not feeling more calm.
Here's what's stressing me, I was reading craigslist for fun, and this guy was writing about how women are shallow and wont date him because he's disabled. I wrote him a compassionate note with suggestions (including dont look for dates on Craigslist) and for some reason I kept the conversation going.
I think it's for the same reason I like to meet people from different countries and social groups, I thought it would be interesting to meet a disabled person and if their cool, be friends. But why didn't I think of the complications???
I'm a woman, he's a desperately horny man. I can't be positive but I think I have seen a few ad's from him and he sounded desperate. So now I am meeting him, with a normal (hopefully) attitude about meeting someone, but he is coming in eager, with little experience (I imagine) and he is going to have no game and I am going to be annoyed and never want to hang out with him again.
Swear to god, I could fall in love with a guy in a wheelchair, if he was completely normal mentally. But how "normal" mentally can you be if you have spent your whole life being so different? I just want to have coffee and talk about music, and maybe even physical therapy. But he has already showered me with compliments over the e-mail, and it makes me very uncomfortable. Not because he's in a wheelchair, because he's coming on too strong.
I want to take away everyone's pain. I have pity dated people before, just trying to boost them up, and sometimes it really worked, but at my expense. I am having major anxiety about this, and I have learned in life that it's important to follow my instincts.
So what do I do? I will for sure workout before meeting him, because it will make me calmer. But what do I do to calm myself tonight? Generalized Anxiety disorder is a bitch, and I think even though the risperdal made me gain weight, I will gain just as much weight from the extra anxiety without it.
Can't win.
Here's what's stressing me, I was reading craigslist for fun, and this guy was writing about how women are shallow and wont date him because he's disabled. I wrote him a compassionate note with suggestions (including dont look for dates on Craigslist) and for some reason I kept the conversation going.
I think it's for the same reason I like to meet people from different countries and social groups, I thought it would be interesting to meet a disabled person and if their cool, be friends. But why didn't I think of the complications???
I'm a woman, he's a desperately horny man. I can't be positive but I think I have seen a few ad's from him and he sounded desperate. So now I am meeting him, with a normal (hopefully) attitude about meeting someone, but he is coming in eager, with little experience (I imagine) and he is going to have no game and I am going to be annoyed and never want to hang out with him again.
Swear to god, I could fall in love with a guy in a wheelchair, if he was completely normal mentally. But how "normal" mentally can you be if you have spent your whole life being so different? I just want to have coffee and talk about music, and maybe even physical therapy. But he has already showered me with compliments over the e-mail, and it makes me very uncomfortable. Not because he's in a wheelchair, because he's coming on too strong.
I want to take away everyone's pain. I have pity dated people before, just trying to boost them up, and sometimes it really worked, but at my expense. I am having major anxiety about this, and I have learned in life that it's important to follow my instincts.
So what do I do? I will for sure workout before meeting him, because it will make me calmer. But what do I do to calm myself tonight? Generalized Anxiety disorder is a bitch, and I think even though the risperdal made me gain weight, I will gain just as much weight from the extra anxiety without it.
Can't win.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
End of the 60 year old crush- thank god
This whole 60 year old crush thing has been terribly confusing to me, fortunately he gave me a reason to not have a crush anymore. It seems he is falling for a multi-level-marketing scheme. I think if you can fall for those, you don't think in the same way I do.
I sent him a message telling him my opinion about MLM, he said that he feels there was a reason we met, maybe this is part of it. He has told me about CASA, and now I have been able to help him (hopefully) too.
Now instead of a strange, taboo relationship, we can have a normal, beneficial friendship. Maybe I will fulfill my older man fantasy, but if so I will do it in the context of a "torrid affair" not a relationship. Still a little kinky, but much more normal.
I sent him a message telling him my opinion about MLM, he said that he feels there was a reason we met, maybe this is part of it. He has told me about CASA, and now I have been able to help him (hopefully) too.
Now instead of a strange, taboo relationship, we can have a normal, beneficial friendship. Maybe I will fulfill my older man fantasy, but if so I will do it in the context of a "torrid affair" not a relationship. Still a little kinky, but much more normal.
The Female Pickup Artist
Thats me YALL!
Alright, I am not going to go so far as to say I "picked up" the HAWTEST guy in the WORLD, but I think I had his attention, HE SURE GOT MINE!!!
Flying with chemistry/hatred pilot really wore me down today. This morning I was tired and cranky, and he had said for the hundreth time how he hates my state and all the taxes and liberals and I snapped at him and told him "if you hate it so much why dont you do us all a favor and switch bases" I said it with the hatred and intensity of a divorced couple. We bickered in the van to the airport for 5 minutes, and finally I figured out he gets off on conflict, and was going out of his way to upset me (he even tried to hurt my feelings, indirectly suggesting that my career isnt taking me anywhere- purely mean.) I finally said, "you know, we dont need to have this discussion. All we need is to operate the plane safely" a professional statement, but after I had already called him a dumbass. Did I mention he is the captain, as in "Pilot in Command" ???
This EXTREMELY negative guy really brought me down. I did a great job of keeping my spirits up, but I am on my period, and I am only human, so my mood slipped a little. Emma is leaving for Bangladesh in 4 days so she had a party. I DID NOT want to go. My mood was sour, and I often feel like an outsider amongst her mostly lesbian friends from her college. I spent an hour or so at home, just trying to get in the mood, and I knew I would be cheered up by The Pickup Artist Wingman Auditions youtube video.
That was linked to other Pickup artist stuff, and then I watched some guy named "Meow" or something, who's system or whatever is very similar to Mystery, but a little less smarmy. I watched it for awhile, and could really see myself in it a bit. Thats how charasmatic I am, I sometimes already do things that are being TAUGHT on a tape. Of course I am joking in the way I say it, but really, I should take pride in the fact that I DO have good social skills, GREAT ones in fact, I just need to learn how to get into that mode where they come out.
Eventually I got my head in the game, and I got my mojo on. Inspired by the reminder that I CAN work a room, if I am just relaxed and confident, I threw some earrings on and was ready to rock.
I arrived at the party and was fortunately welcomed by a nice lesbian right away. Emma and my former roommate Shane was there too, and he's a shy guy, so I sat with him and chatted most of the night. While we were chatting HE walked in...*the clouds part, and the angel arrives* There is a lotion commercial where a woman falls into the arms of a Moroccan looking guy, curly long black hair and a large nose. UH! HE WAS SOOOOOOO HOT!
So being the pickup artist I am, I just acted like I didn't notice him at all. I just went about my business. When Shane left I went into the kitchen with Emma. We bonded, especially because she was a drunk arse. I tell you what, I loved it. She is often very reserved, so it was so fun to see her happy and outgoing. We all moved to the living room, and then I casually asked him "how do you know Emma?"
Apparently he looked lost at a bus stop, and she let him use her phone. They hit it off, and this is the second time she met him. Him and I vibed. I sounded smart and positive, we had a lot in common- or at least I could hold my own. He is a professor in music theory, and has a band with a marxist message!
He just seems like an ideal man. Passionate yet a fan of monogamy. Honestly, I cant think of ANYTHING in the conversation that turned me off about him. He is pretty much ideal.
At about 3:30 we the got in my car and I came up with the awesome idea to ask him if his band has a myspace. I told him I will find it and add him as a friend. This way I avoided any weirdness in the end, it was brought up and the subject changed to social networking sites. The best part of this is, I add his band as a friend, and then I leave it. I haven't really made a move, but I left it open for him to. If he doesn't, I haven't been rejected. GENIUS!!!
Once he left the car Emma said "you like him!" to which I responded "I LOOOOOOOOOOVE HIM SOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!" God he is SOOOO FOINE!
So even if I am not a pickup artist, I had a great time talking to my friend and the hottest guy at the party (did I mention he stayed after everyone left, until it was just the 3 of us) it was good for my confidence, and I will need that because tomorrow is Juan's concert, and he gave me staff credentials!!! I might meet & hang out with the bands, in fact, I think that is probable!!! Woo hoo!
It's 5:16 AM by the way. I'm the shiz-nay-ahhht!
Alright, I am not going to go so far as to say I "picked up" the HAWTEST guy in the WORLD, but I think I had his attention, HE SURE GOT MINE!!!
Flying with chemistry/hatred pilot really wore me down today. This morning I was tired and cranky, and he had said for the hundreth time how he hates my state and all the taxes and liberals and I snapped at him and told him "if you hate it so much why dont you do us all a favor and switch bases" I said it with the hatred and intensity of a divorced couple. We bickered in the van to the airport for 5 minutes, and finally I figured out he gets off on conflict, and was going out of his way to upset me (he even tried to hurt my feelings, indirectly suggesting that my career isnt taking me anywhere- purely mean.) I finally said, "you know, we dont need to have this discussion. All we need is to operate the plane safely" a professional statement, but after I had already called him a dumbass. Did I mention he is the captain, as in "Pilot in Command" ???
This EXTREMELY negative guy really brought me down. I did a great job of keeping my spirits up, but I am on my period, and I am only human, so my mood slipped a little. Emma is leaving for Bangladesh in 4 days so she had a party. I DID NOT want to go. My mood was sour, and I often feel like an outsider amongst her mostly lesbian friends from her college. I spent an hour or so at home, just trying to get in the mood, and I knew I would be cheered up by The Pickup Artist Wingman Auditions youtube video.
That was linked to other Pickup artist stuff, and then I watched some guy named "Meow" or something, who's system or whatever is very similar to Mystery, but a little less smarmy. I watched it for awhile, and could really see myself in it a bit. Thats how charasmatic I am, I sometimes already do things that are being TAUGHT on a tape. Of course I am joking in the way I say it, but really, I should take pride in the fact that I DO have good social skills, GREAT ones in fact, I just need to learn how to get into that mode where they come out.
Eventually I got my head in the game, and I got my mojo on. Inspired by the reminder that I CAN work a room, if I am just relaxed and confident, I threw some earrings on and was ready to rock.
I arrived at the party and was fortunately welcomed by a nice lesbian right away. Emma and my former roommate Shane was there too, and he's a shy guy, so I sat with him and chatted most of the night. While we were chatting HE walked in...*the clouds part, and the angel arrives* There is a lotion commercial where a woman falls into the arms of a Moroccan looking guy, curly long black hair and a large nose. UH! HE WAS SOOOOOOO HOT!
So being the pickup artist I am, I just acted like I didn't notice him at all. I just went about my business. When Shane left I went into the kitchen with Emma. We bonded, especially because she was a drunk arse. I tell you what, I loved it. She is often very reserved, so it was so fun to see her happy and outgoing. We all moved to the living room, and then I casually asked him "how do you know Emma?"
Apparently he looked lost at a bus stop, and she let him use her phone. They hit it off, and this is the second time she met him. Him and I vibed. I sounded smart and positive, we had a lot in common- or at least I could hold my own. He is a professor in music theory, and has a band with a marxist message!
He just seems like an ideal man. Passionate yet a fan of monogamy. Honestly, I cant think of ANYTHING in the conversation that turned me off about him. He is pretty much ideal.
At about 3:30 we the got in my car and I came up with the awesome idea to ask him if his band has a myspace. I told him I will find it and add him as a friend. This way I avoided any weirdness in the end, it was brought up and the subject changed to social networking sites. The best part of this is, I add his band as a friend, and then I leave it. I haven't really made a move, but I left it open for him to. If he doesn't, I haven't been rejected. GENIUS!!!
Once he left the car Emma said "you like him!" to which I responded "I LOOOOOOOOOOVE HIM SOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!" God he is SOOOO FOINE!
So even if I am not a pickup artist, I had a great time talking to my friend and the hottest guy at the party (did I mention he stayed after everyone left, until it was just the 3 of us) it was good for my confidence, and I will need that because tomorrow is Juan's concert, and he gave me staff credentials!!! I might meet & hang out with the bands, in fact, I think that is probable!!! Woo hoo!
It's 5:16 AM by the way. I'm the shiz-nay-ahhht!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Chemistry is a dirty whore
Remember when I posted about going to Chinatown in Toronto, with my crew, one of them being my crazy captian? I think I titled it "I can make out with my captain if I want to"
Well we are flying together again. And I hate him HATE him...and am very attracted to him.
It makes me sick. I am so attracted to him, but his personality is so vile I wanted to pour ice water on him at the restaurant today. He is an awful, and very disturbed person!
I am so glad I didn't end up dating him like I almost did a few years ago.
Well we are flying together again. And I hate him HATE him...and am very attracted to him.
It makes me sick. I am so attracted to him, but his personality is so vile I wanted to pour ice water on him at the restaurant today. He is an awful, and very disturbed person!
I am so glad I didn't end up dating him like I almost did a few years ago.
This 60 year old thing is going TOO FAR!
I just got another e-mail from my 60 year old. He sent me a picture. He looks adorable, and 60. He's wearing 60 year old person's clothes and 60 year old person's sunglasses. Yet, I find myself crushing on him still.
One thing that should stop me, since (for some REDICULOUS reason) the fact that he IS SIXTY hasn't stopped me, is he is Catholic. Catholics end up with Catholics in the end and I would never, ever, convert to Catholicism. Maybe I would try to, but the priest would see right through me. He (never she) would know I wasn't one of them by the look in my eyes when he'd say "Jesus is good- all other religions ARE DOOMED TO HELL! FEAR GOD! FEAR JESUS! FEAR ME! BWAH HA HA HA!" (<----thats the sort of thing that Catholic priests say, right?)
And of course, there is the sex thing, but he used to teach martial arts, so he could be in good enough shape that it still works (and that he is healthy enough that he could get "medical assistance" if necessary) And I have been reading about it, and it seems that men that age still have sex (and did you know that women just get more and more horny as they age??? Poor me! I will be a monster!) But again, he is Catholic, so even if it works, he might not believe in using it.
But those rational arguements aside, I just think- well duh!- that it is peculiar that I have a crush on such an old-ass guy. So what could the reason be? The first one is very easy- "Daddy Issues" I got 'em. I have lost a father figure in my life, because my dad's depression and anxiety have led him to bad choices, so he is not a role-model to me, and our strong bond broke during the 13 years he was constantly drunk. My crush appears to be responsible and healthy- a perfect father figure.
This leads to issue number 2- security. He is 60 years old, he is fully formed. I don't have to wonder if he will end up a screw up, I think "what you see is what you get" with someone at that age. He has his life together, so I would not have to go through the phase where we eat ramen noodles while we struggle and work too many hours to pay the mortgage for the too-big house we bought and are now stuck with because the market is so bad. Also, naively, I feel that he'd be less likely to cheat on me, but that has more to do with his personality than his age...he just seems to be a warm, kind person.
And then there is reason number 3...I am too damn old for my age. I am a fucking weirdo. Remember New-York-Name-Dropper-Man? Well I was 24 and he turned out to be 49 (lied and said he was 42) He was the first time I had entertained the idea of an older man, I just felt a connection with him that I had never felt with a man of my age. I felt like he understood me. I have had a weird life, so how can I find someone who understands me? Someone a little older has had more experiences, and hopefully more wisdom. And the demeanor that my crush has, appears wise.
Oh, and reason number 4. I'm lonely, and I felt nice when I talked to him. You know who else I felt nice when I talked to him? Charles. They both have "The Buddha Nature" it's this calm, serene thing that puts me at ease. (And I know it's weird, but I got turned on when my crush was asking me out! WEIRD!)
Funny thing is, I don't think my friends would judge me. I think they would say "Thats Diana for you" and discuss it behind my back (thats what we do, but not in a bad way.) They have already said they picture me ending up with an older man, but when they said "older" I dont think they meant "older than our fathers"
If I am not thinking about my age, I am just getting such a crush. We will see each other at the beginning of November, so I can see how the people stare, and see if I have the guts to deal with it. My question is...why doesn't he think it's weird???
One thing that should stop me, since (for some REDICULOUS reason) the fact that he IS SIXTY hasn't stopped me, is he is Catholic. Catholics end up with Catholics in the end and I would never, ever, convert to Catholicism. Maybe I would try to, but the priest would see right through me. He (never she) would know I wasn't one of them by the look in my eyes when he'd say "Jesus is good- all other religions ARE DOOMED TO HELL! FEAR GOD! FEAR JESUS! FEAR ME! BWAH HA HA HA!" (<----thats the sort of thing that Catholic priests say, right?)
And of course, there is the sex thing, but he used to teach martial arts, so he could be in good enough shape that it still works (and that he is healthy enough that he could get "medical assistance" if necessary) And I have been reading about it, and it seems that men that age still have sex (and did you know that women just get more and more horny as they age??? Poor me! I will be a monster!) But again, he is Catholic, so even if it works, he might not believe in using it.
But those rational arguements aside, I just think- well duh!- that it is peculiar that I have a crush on such an old-ass guy. So what could the reason be? The first one is very easy- "Daddy Issues" I got 'em. I have lost a father figure in my life, because my dad's depression and anxiety have led him to bad choices, so he is not a role-model to me, and our strong bond broke during the 13 years he was constantly drunk. My crush appears to be responsible and healthy- a perfect father figure.
This leads to issue number 2- security. He is 60 years old, he is fully formed. I don't have to wonder if he will end up a screw up, I think "what you see is what you get" with someone at that age. He has his life together, so I would not have to go through the phase where we eat ramen noodles while we struggle and work too many hours to pay the mortgage for the too-big house we bought and are now stuck with because the market is so bad. Also, naively, I feel that he'd be less likely to cheat on me, but that has more to do with his personality than his age...he just seems to be a warm, kind person.
And then there is reason number 3...I am too damn old for my age. I am a fucking weirdo. Remember New-York-Name-Dropper-Man? Well I was 24 and he turned out to be 49 (lied and said he was 42) He was the first time I had entertained the idea of an older man, I just felt a connection with him that I had never felt with a man of my age. I felt like he understood me. I have had a weird life, so how can I find someone who understands me? Someone a little older has had more experiences, and hopefully more wisdom. And the demeanor that my crush has, appears wise.
Oh, and reason number 4. I'm lonely, and I felt nice when I talked to him. You know who else I felt nice when I talked to him? Charles. They both have "The Buddha Nature" it's this calm, serene thing that puts me at ease. (And I know it's weird, but I got turned on when my crush was asking me out! WEIRD!)
Funny thing is, I don't think my friends would judge me. I think they would say "Thats Diana for you" and discuss it behind my back (thats what we do, but not in a bad way.) They have already said they picture me ending up with an older man, but when they said "older" I dont think they meant "older than our fathers"
If I am not thinking about my age, I am just getting such a crush. We will see each other at the beginning of November, so I can see how the people stare, and see if I have the guts to deal with it. My question is...why doesn't he think it's weird???
Saturday, October 06, 2007
I'm not horny anymore
Those were a weird two days! My brain was sicko! I am guessing I must have been ovulating.
I was racking my brain trying to figure out the cause of the hornyness. I started taking fish-oil pills, I baked and ate a lot of chocolate cupcakes, could these be the reasons?
Juan and I also did a photo shoot. It was SOOOOO FUN! His lights flash when the picture is taken, we have a lot of fun so I got into it and enjoyed it, unlike with my dad's friend the russian guy, his personality was so annoying. I wonder if the photo shoot might have gotten me excited, I think that Juan, for the first time, realized I am pretty, so maybe that bit of attention got me excited. Who knows.
I would say I am glad it's over, but I'm not 100% glad. It was sort of fun, though it frightened me a bit, because I didn't want to do something I'd regret. Like with a pilot. Like I was so ready to do this week.
Tell you what...being horny makes you attractive to men! I liked that part :)
I was racking my brain trying to figure out the cause of the hornyness. I started taking fish-oil pills, I baked and ate a lot of chocolate cupcakes, could these be the reasons?
Juan and I also did a photo shoot. It was SOOOOO FUN! His lights flash when the picture is taken, we have a lot of fun so I got into it and enjoyed it, unlike with my dad's friend the russian guy, his personality was so annoying. I wonder if the photo shoot might have gotten me excited, I think that Juan, for the first time, realized I am pretty, so maybe that bit of attention got me excited. Who knows.
I would say I am glad it's over, but I'm not 100% glad. It was sort of fun, though it frightened me a bit, because I didn't want to do something I'd regret. Like with a pilot. Like I was so ready to do this week.
Tell you what...being horny makes you attractive to men! I liked that part :)
Monday, October 01, 2007
I am so glad I'm not a man
How do men stand having penises? How can they survive, being so horny all the time? I am rediculously horny lately. I guess this is a good thing, right? It's a sign of depression and anxiety being reduced, but I feel like I am going to pop!
Now is the time I should see my therapist. I have been looking at craigslist (just for fun, not seriously) and looking at the ads. People are into some prety crazy stuff! I would be lying if I said it didn't excite me to fantasize about it. There are a few guys on there offering "free erotic massage" one claims to be a former professional massage therapist, that sounds pretty good to me, a free massage, with a happy ending! But come on. Fortunately I know better than that now. I am so lucky that in my wilder days I didn't get raped, killed, or an STD (I used protection, but things break, and condoms dont protect from everything)
I am hoping I can turn this energy into a good thing. Maybe it will inspire me to focus on my health more, and to be brave enough to try dating again. God I hope so.
Now is the time I should see my therapist. I have been looking at craigslist (just for fun, not seriously) and looking at the ads. People are into some prety crazy stuff! I would be lying if I said it didn't excite me to fantasize about it. There are a few guys on there offering "free erotic massage" one claims to be a former professional massage therapist, that sounds pretty good to me, a free massage, with a happy ending! But come on. Fortunately I know better than that now. I am so lucky that in my wilder days I didn't get raped, killed, or an STD (I used protection, but things break, and condoms dont protect from everything)
I am hoping I can turn this energy into a good thing. Maybe it will inspire me to focus on my health more, and to be brave enough to try dating again. God I hope so.
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